Gazza

I idolised him. Was obsessed when he was at Newcastle. Happiest day of my life when he choose us over Manchester United. World Cup Italia. The FA Cup run of '91 (I didn't miss a game). He single-handedly dragged us to the final (probably saving the club itself in a roundabout way during our season of financial meltdown) before imploding at Wembley. That was some year of emotion.

Daft as a brush, erratic and a fruitloop he was never quite the same player after he left us for Italy, always struggling with injuries and his choice of transfer destinations. I prefer to remember his time in Lilywhite. Wasn't long but was certainly magical.

Happy belated birthday (it was yesterday, shame on me for missing it).

I'm pulling an all-nighter (baby is basically redefining the art of tantrums and is refusing to sleep), hence the random filler blog article. With thanks to Nelto on GG otherwise I would have missed Paul's 44th completely, rather than by a day.

Penalty? Who cares?

Morning. Just some random thoughts on the weekend:

Everton's defending. Akin to blindfolding schoolboys and feeding them ketamine.

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How about that Crystal Palace goal ruled out because the officials failed to see the ball fly into the back of the net? Here's a clue it was legit. The scorer wheeled off to celebrate followed by his team mates and the opposition looked down at the ground in despondency of conceding the goal. What exactly did the ref think was going on? Some kind of elaborate illusion? Let's pretend we scored and we might fool everyone we did. No surprise the officials have been suspended pending a little review.

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According to Mark Hughes, re: their chase for Lescott and Moyes criticism of City:

"I'm not surprised David feels a bit aggrieved with the situation, you always are when a big club is trying to sign one of your best players."

I didn't know Spurs were interested in signing Lescott? Well in.

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So was it a penalty or not? Rafa is balling his eyes out about it. BAE barging Voronin off the ball. On the basis of the game as a whole - we deserved to win. Statistically, they didn't get anywhere near us. And the fact that the first penalty (the one given) was an absolute gift should be a clear indication that the Spanish waiter should spend a little more time concentrating on his side fragmented play which lacked any sort of rhythm and decisiveness. The only other effort of note on goal was yet another penalty claim, again BAE involved, the ball hitting his chest (at least that's what it looked like to me) and even if it did hit his arm it would have been harsh to point to the spot. Ekotto enjoying his day.

As for us, feet firmly back on the ground. Right? The euphoria of claiming thee points in our opening game of the season is over. I was already high on the fact that we were given a home fixture to kick-off the season for the first time in 5 or so years. Perhaps the FA's IT guys have finally found and eliminated the Trojan virus left in the fixture list computer software that David Dein carefully planted many years ago. Regardless, having partied into the night with generous quantities of coke and hookers, I'm now having to be a little more philosophical about Sunday. Yes, we won. Several of our players battled well. Liverpool were fairly crap with little clout around the midfield area making it comfortable for Wilson and Tommy.

We are not exactly push-overs at home either (1 loss in 23), so perhaps the win wasn't as unexpected as it appeared to be to some. Not taking anything away from the result or the performance. Well I am I guess. Just placing it into perspective. It's Hull away where we find out if we have the right stuff for competing in the top-half of the table, the bit where 6th and 5th place sit. We've managed to compete against the Top 4 more and more over the past season or so. It's the pesky 'small teams' that need to be brushed aside.

Still, three points - one game. Opening day nose-bleeds are lush. I'll leave you with another gem from Studs-Up. Enjoy.

Afternoon tea Spursistics

Vieira stats. He made 10 apperances last season for Inter. Nine of which he was either a sub or subbed. Spent force? Probably. Based on the past year or so, you'd think so. I guess when I wished we would look at someone as an understudy for Palacios, I didn't think the understudy would be older than him. Still time for a twist. There's a secondary rumour that its not Vieira (did someone say 'smokescreen'?) and that Flamini is the real target.

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My favourite ESPN columnist has broken his silence on his decision to choose Spurs as his EPL team and has claimed it was a mistake, citing that Liverpool is the club he is now leaning towards because they are '…like the Boston Red Sox'. Stick with baseball buddy because the experiment hasn't worked. Not because of selecting Spurs, but because it was an half-arsed attempt at looking across the pond in an attempt to educate Americans about the beautiful game. No doubt, Simmons has lost out on the opportunity to entertain his public. No idea if it has to do with the lack of coverage over in the States at the time or if the prolonged process of selecting a EPL team had resulted in his interest evaporating faster than Tottenham's 4th spot dream. But Mr Simmons is wrong to think he made the wrong choice. If I was a clueless American (who is interested in soccer) or an MLS fan, I'd much prefer reading about the rollercoaster that is Spurs than the blandness of Anfield with their banners and scarf's. And title push and Champions League football and…

Oh. I get it now.

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David Bentley, sat in a restaurant, gets punched in the face by some absolute **** who had given him a bit of stick before landing one on him. I read somewhere that David was lucky he didn't throw a punch back, because he'd have been nicked. If someone attacked me, for no reason at all other than the fact that he's a mindless jealous ****, and I was sat there with my pregnant girlfriend/wife - I'd have picked up a chair and smashed it across the fuckers face before dragging him outside and throwing him into the nearest gutter. The other guy started it, right? Just me. Hate it when people disturb my consumption of food. David is alright though. Decent in training today. Good lad.

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Boateng. The Prince. He's back in the squad listings. I guess this means Harry is having a look at him, thanks to nobody willing to take a punt in signing him for the over-inflated fee we've tagged him with. You never know. Harry might manage (where others have failed) to get something out of his boots in the way of productivity or creation. Boateng been nothing but talk so far and didn't impress out on loan and with Adel still screaming for an escape away from WHL, we can do with having at least one wildcard in our ranks.

Things to get you through a weekend without Tottenham

Does the International break bore you?

England are playing this weekend. Am I the only person who finds it all a bit of a bore when there are no Tottenham games to go to or watch on TV? Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as the next fan...but only for qualifying games and tournaments (when we actually manage to get there).

Friendlies never get my juices flowing. If I can't shout, scream and generally have my emotions soar, dip and ripped apart then it's not really football. Something needs to be at risk. And I don't find pride is when its just a warm-up match. Even if it's in preparation for an important game (next Wednesday) against the Ukraine. Saturday's (against Slovakia) still a friendly. A glorified training session.

Yes I know, Aaron Lennon might play, and if he does well he might (just might) make an appearance next week. Although if you take a quick look at the Beckham feature article on the BBC site you'll note that he has every chance (Becks that is) of playing as Walcott and SWP are not in the squad.

Cough? Forgotten someone perhaps?

And with the debate about whether King should have or should not have been called up by Fabio dragging on and on (you honestly think 'arry isn't going to talk about it some more?), I can't help but look ahead to our next Prem game against Blackburn. Proper bread and butter football.

I don't have Setanta at home and the local pub that shows live games is usually full of West Ham fans who will no doubt be out in numbers carrying around replicas of the Jules Rimet and banging on about '66 and celebrating in the streets that they invented modern day football.

I'd rather avoid it all tbh. But will definitely make the effort for the Ukraine game. For sure.

So to get me through Saturday, I've devised a list of potential activities to help me avoid the overwhelming boredom that would otherwise consume me. Feel free to suggest your own.

1) Work out the points accumulated in the opening eight games under Ramos and then calculate the points accumulated by Harry Redknapp from the time of his appointment till the present day and based on Harry's points to games ratio, work out where we would be had he been manager at the start of the season. Then device a What If Premier League table that will have us within touching distance of a Champions League place and then work out whether we can claim 4th spot based on our remaining fixtures and who we would need to buy in the summer to help consolidate the challenge domestically and in Europe. Then post all my findings and analysis on a Tottenham message board and watch it grow to 100 pages in a day with around 3000 replies. Just for kicks.

2) Throw eggs at the home of the person who wears the current Chirpy mascot outfit at home games. WE DON'T LIKE YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I want the original Chirpy back. The one that doesn't look he's possessed by a demon with a smug Adam Sandler complex.

3) Watch my Sky+ recording of the Arsenal v Spurs 4-4, replaying the final 10 minutes several times to catch the various reactions of the Spurs players and the fans - specifically at the point before and after Lennon equalizes. Then using my TV capture card, create a montage video of the glorious evening with Tina Turners 'Simply the Best' as the soundtrack. Then upload to Facebook and Youtube and then update Twitter every 5 minutes, linking to the video, and posting inane hilarity about how busy the London Underground was this morning and what I had for lunch.

4) Begin legal proceedings to sue West Ham United. The other day I had what I can only assume was a very dodgy lasagna which blatantly gave me the runs and a chronic gut. This resulted in a Vietnamesque flashback in a packed shopping centre - ala Sgt. Elias - falling to my knees, hands aloft, screaming in agony at the returning realisation of how close we came to a dream qualification into the elite of European football. A dream destroyed by a Benayoun top corner finish.

As nobody was ever charged or held accountable for poisoning the Spurs team, and as West Ham were the opposition that day and inflicted the defeat on a side ravaged by ill health, they remain the only ones responsible for my emotional upheaval that resurfaced in such an undignified and public way.

I'm after a reasonable pay-out. Equivalent to what Spurs lost in Champions League revenue. That should cover the trauma and rehabilitation.

5) Walk up to random strangers and state '2 points, 8 games'. The message must be spread to the non-believers.

6) Go round my parents for lunch and refuse to sit down on the sofa. If my dad manages to talk me into sitting down because I'm making everyone feel uncomfortable, I will do so. Then wait until he walks away, then stand up and burst into song: 'Stand up if you love mums cooking, stand up......'.

7) Travel up to Manchester, sneak into Dimitar Berbatov's back garden and then use my state-of-the-art tranquilizer gun to shoot all the squirrels in the vicinity. Who you gonna feed now, Berba? Hey? Who you gonna feed now?

8) Watch my Sky+ recording of the Spurs v Chelsea 1-0. Then using my TV capture card, create a montage video of Modric and his performance, to the music of 'Diamond Lights'. In addition, morph highlights of Moddle into highlights of Hoddle, subtly suggesting that Modric is the new King of the Lane. Then upload to Facebook and Youtube and then update Twitter every 5 minutes to make sure people are fully aware that I'm 'online', either sat in front of a pc or texting updates via my mobile phone.

9) Search through all Bit Torrent sites and Newsgroups for a soft copy version of the Tottenham Hotspur Opus. Come on! Surely someone must have scanned this and uploaded it to the internet? You can find practically anything on-line. Whether it's DC or Marvel comics, books, novels, screenplays, about a million PDF's and random user-guides, every piece of software, music, pornography and movie you can possibly imagine......but no bleeding Opus? Further proof that nobody has actually bought a copy, because if let's say 10 people purchased one, at least one of them would have shared this with the www. It's 2009 ffs. People don't even bother buying Playboy anymore, they just wait for some else to scan and upload it. So I'm told.

10) Stand near the living room window, and pretend I've got Setanta by booing every few minutes. People walking past will assume Ashley Cole is playing shit. And this will bring much joy to the world.

Audere est facere is in my blood

As a solider of the terraces and voice of the disillusioned fan I constantly place my life at risk for the sake of supporter freedom, highlighting then dismissing the propaganda we are constantly subjected too. The ordinary fan needs enlightenment. It's my job to make sure they are not left in the dark.

Audere est facere is in my blood.

I’ve handcuffed myself naked to the West Stand turnstiles. Been attacked by rouge squirrels when attempting to stall the Berbatov to Utd transfer. Fallen out of a tree overlooking The Lodge. Boycotted the Spurs Shop on countless occasions including the time I replaced items of clothing in the shop with effigies of Daniel Levy and Damien Comolli French kissing. I’ve also organised end of season ‘burning of season ticket’ bonfire events. I’ve been arrested, had restraining orders served, ASBO’s and have had to endure my fair share of community service. All because I dare to protest and demonstrate against Levy and his Napoleonistic quirks.

People question my ethics. Apparently I am a hypocrite because I pay for a season ticket every year. Which means I’m helping to fund Levy’s chairmanship – one that I publicly disagree with. But that’s a sacrifice that’s unavoidable. To be able to protest against a war and do so with unequivocal passion – one must sign up and do a tour of duty. I’m on my fifth tour in the South Stand lower tier. That makes me veteran.

Anyone who barks in my direction telling me how Levy is a great chairman because of the money he generates for the club and for transfers are forgetting that most astute business men would easily make a healthy profit from a club of our stature. It’s not that difficult a task. It’s the footballing side that continues to suffer due to his failings. It's not how you make the money, it's how you spend it. The persistence of the DoF system. The contridiction of the Redknapp appointment. The £15M outlays on superfluous players. The cheapening of the clubs name with the delusions of greatness that in reality is nothing more than a ghost of the once true greatness possessed in a by-gone era. The dumbing down of our Latin motto. The Jol/Ramos/Comolli mess. It’s an endless list.

Supporters unfamiliar with my campaigns might think me a little extreme. I guess a man dressed in black combat gear with a camouflaged face mask and a hands-free NVG Cybereye third generation multi-purpose night vision system with additional camera-adaptable extras, illuminator functionality and advanced recognition range would, I guess, qualify me as a little extreme. But I’d prefer committed.

It’s no coincidence that I find myself in Daniel Levy’s back garden. The sun has long since set. It’s been about a year since my last visit to the mansion. The rose bush is looking delightful. I’ve been hiding out in his shed for around seven hours. Just me and this bin liner which holds my Pièce de résistance. A present for the chairman. Not much room in here to move, with the lawn mower and unopened copies of the Opus stacked up. Daniels wife and his four kids are away for the night. It’s not a window of opportunity that arises often enough, and thus can not be ignored. Just need to wait for the lights to go off. That’s my cue. Breaking and entering won’t be an issue. Alarm code is 19611981. It’s practically an invitation. Not that I plan to steal or damage anything. I’m not a criminal. Literary terrorism is more my style. The pen is mightier than the sword. Although for this evening only, subtly will not be my calling card.

I’m here to send out a clear message to the chairman. His tenure is displaying stress fractures. Tottenham is nothing more than a broken metatarsal. From the sacking of Martin Jol to the present day, accountancy aside, it’s been a titanic tapestry of untruths and mistakes.

I’m inside now. Night vision still active.

Kitchen is a mess. Empty bottles of Dom Perignon. Beluga caviar. How can anyone eat this crap? Need to get the taste out of my mouth. Hello. Half drank bottle of wine. This will have to do. Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jerobam. Can't pick this up at Asda. Prefer Blossom Hills fruitiness myself. Stack of boxes in the corner. Twenty, maybe twenty five copies of the Opus, all still wrapped up. There's another Opus on the floor. Signed by Didier Zokora. Looks like a door-stop.

Living room is as plush as ever. I like what he's done with the place. Cuban. Possibly West Indian mahogany. I can never tell the difference. And....oh.....my.....God, is that a La-Z-Boy?

50" plasma, wall mounted. Krell amplifier. Eggleston Works Ivy speakers. Wu-Tang Clan cd’s on the floor. Plenty of DVD’s too. Separated into different racks for each family member. How very OCD. Let's see what Daniel has in his collection. Ishtar. The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Battlefield Earth 2000, Arsenal 49: The Complete Unbeaten Record. Batman and Robin. Hudson Hawk. The Postman, Gigli. Showgirls....The.....hold on a damn minute! You sonofabitch. You son of a......wait till people find out about this. You’ll be finished, finished. Batman and Robin? Are you kidding me Daniel? It’s garbage. It plays out like a ridiculous parody of the tv show for crying out loud! I mean come on. Schwarzenegger ffs! He got paid $25M to stand around and make wisecracks. Scandalous. They should have given the role to Patrick Stewart. And as for that joke of a Batman suit with the nipples. I feel dizzy.......Breathe damn it, breathe. What's the point of having these fancy speakers and HD if you're gonna waste your time watching an absolute mess of a movie?

I can taste vomit in my mouth. Time to move on.

Only other room worth checking out is the study. Door is open. Forty maybe as many as fifty copies of the Opus stacked up against the wall. Framed picture of Joe Lewis. Stuffed squirrels on the desk. Quite a few post-it notes.

‘Freeze season tickets if we stay up. Increase them if we go down’

'Tell Appiah, thanks but not thanks'

'Possible re-work of club badge. Remove the cockerel?'

'Ideas for new stadium name. The Holsten Levy Dome, Levyville Nike Town, The Daniel Levy sponsored by Daniel Levy'

‘Book a new mascot for Sunday - Chirpy has gone missing’

There's also a laptop. Interesting. Wonder if he brings his work home with him. It’s locked. Windows Vista. Needs a password.

Jenasisgod61.

I’m in. Wallpaper is....looks like the FTSE100. World of Warcraft shortcut on desktop. One hard drive. Seems to have plenty of encrypted files. Requires another password to view them.

Opus61.

I'm in. Hmm. Just photo-shopped images of Tottenham players superimposed onto pictures of the Champions League and World Cup finals. Mock up newspaper headlines. 'Levy is the best ever'. 'King Daniel of the Lane'.'Sir Daniel Levy arise!'. Self-indulgent nonsense.

Maybe his emails will be of more interest.

Subject: Downing
“Hello Steve. It's that time of year again. £12M for Stewart. Let me know today if you accept. Willing to go up to £15M. You know me, desperate for a left-winger. You can reply to this addy or MSN me. Username is LL-Cool-D. I'm on Twitter if you need to track me down.”

Subject: Hello Mr Washington
“It's me. Mr Drove My Chevy. Need your help again. Things remain a struggle since you left. Damage limitation sucks, no? Haven’t got a clue who to purchase. Suggested to Harry we just buy back players we sold. Saves expenses and costs on scouting abroad. Also thinking I should just bid £15M for any names he mentions in tv interviews and see if we get lucky. Hope all is well with you”

Nothing news-worthy here. Time I get myself upstairs. End game is in sight.

And here we are. The master bedroom. And there he is. The chairman. So at peace, sleeping like a baby. It's a shame he will woke up to a nightmare.

I made you an offer Mr Levy. One that you can’t refuse. Stop humiliating the club with embarrassing DVD releases of score-draws and cheap merchandise and I’ll stop throwing frozen shit pellets at your car. But you ignored my letter. And refused my offer. You've left me with no choice. You have forced my hand.

I'm leaving you with my Pièce de résistance, tucked up beside you. Sweet dreams Daniel. Sweet dreams.

Mission complete. Night vision batteries running low. Exit strategy now in motion. Will be out of the mansion and off the property in 2 minutes and 59 seconds....58 seconds......57 seconds.....

Operation Severed Head over and out.

The Tottenham Revolution: Sign-up NOW!

JOIN US TODAY!! (Hurry, as membership applications will not be accepted after the 2nd Feb)

Tottenham Hotspur. The Premier exclusive millionaire’s social club where men* can spend their week days showing off their new hair-cuts, tattoos and Louis Vuitton man bags to other members and then on the weekends get to have a bit of a kick-around to flex those muscles and sexy thighs and flick the ball around to their hearts content in specially organised football games. But don’t fret, if you don’t want to join in with the physical stuff you don’t have to. Remember, it’s not about winning; it’s the taking part that counts. Whatever you choose, it’s a perfect way to network so you can maximise your Facebook friends list so that there’s always someone to call if you fancy a little bit of nightclubbing, boozing, womanising or nights in playing Pro Evo.

*Membership for women is currently under review.

Obviously, not everyone can be accepted for membership. Ha, only joking! Nothing rigorous about our interview process so chances are you're already eligible for the thousands of pounds per week worth of benefits – which includes gym access, sauna, free lunch and coach travel to all the big cities (and even some of the small ones) across England and Europe* and still leaving you with plenty of time to hit the West End for those all important shopping trips with the WAG. You’ll also enjoy access to the main club-house in N17 and it's facilities. Feel free to turn-up whenever you fancy it.

*European tour for next year has been cancelled but plans are afoot for a complete revamp of our English destination hotspots. Stay tuned for more on this exciting news.

So are you good looking (or at least think you are)? Do you have pretty hair? Drive an expensive car? Obsessed with getting on the show-boat feature on Soccer AM? Then look no further than Tottenham. We are always happy to accommodate people who just fancy a bit of superfluous fun, and as we don’t really tie you down, if you fancy moving onto one of the other more regimental clubs out there we won’t stand in your way. But be warned, you won’t find anywhere else more relaxed and laid-back than us. No Ketchup limit here! And don’t forget we even make sure your name is down on the guest list for Faces. Yes, we take good care of our members*.

*All members have to adhere to the terms and conditions of their membership. We are happy to help with an transitional problems you may experience. If you fail to settle or simply want something more challenging and demanding we'll make sure your membership is transferred to a club of your choice if substantial compensation for the termination of your contract can be agreed to.

We also offer spending money in the way of vouchers which are transferred into sterling straight to your bank account on the strict guideline that it’s spent on your image and lifestyle, so make sure your hair highlights and shoes are yelling out ‘I’m rich and I love it!’

Come be one of the lads!

If you’re carrying a bit of a knock, that’s fine. That won't stop you from joining up with us. We’ll still let you get involved in all the activities*. And if you suddenly need a prolonged rest we’re make sure you are comfortable until you’re ok to join in again. Even if it means missing some of our more prestigious jolly boy outings to Anfield, Goodison Park, Villa Park and Old Trafford that might not be available as part of the travel schedule for our next calender year.

*We currently do not offer any development and improvement classes in specialist and basic skills or team building exercises.

If you’ve only just recently left us and fancy coming back we’ve also got special rates for returning members so make sure you don’t miss out! We understand the grass is not always greener on the other side and thus we are happy to re-accommodate you, which means you get all the benefits you had the first time round. It will be just like you’ve never been away!

If you’re not sure about whether we are the right club for you and you're having difficulties making up your mind, rest assured we have people that will make you at ease. We have the very best mediators in the business and offer fantastic compensation to your existing club to help with your move over to us. Our club chairman and our event organiser and manager will make sure any lingering voice in the back of your mind is exorcised in no time. We've been the talk of the town since 1961! Do not miss out on this big and great experience!

Yes, this is Tottenham Hotspur. The bean-bag of clubs. Sit in it, and relax! You'll just love it here!

What our members say:

"I'm here for the Wembley days out. Don't care much about anything else. It's a good laugh, innit?"

“It’s lovely here. I get to practice my star-jumps all the time”

“The gaffer is great. Really takes care of everyone. But I think he’s having problems with his club-card as he can’t stop complaining about it. I think it must have belonged to the previous bloke who only had two points on it. He's having problems adding more.”

“I’m a bit scared of the ball, so it’s great that I don’t need to header it”

“I’ve signed up cause it gives me something to do until I move to Manchester”

"It's brilliant. I highly recommend it. When we travel outside of London, it's great that we can always leave early to travel back home. Those extra couple of minutes make all the difference"

A review of this weeks defeat away to Bolton will follow shortly....

Can we have our football back?

From next season, Arsenal fans at the Emirates will be able to stream the game they are watching live (with a one minute delay) on their PSP's. This will allow for an 'immediate replay' of key moments along with a 'whole new dimension for fans giving them information and statistics'.

Jesus wept. What next? Staying home and watching the game on television via digital broadcast technology?

Football continues to be marginalised and redefined to laughable levels. Tragically this is exactly the type of thing Levy will consider for our new stadium. Imagine that, being able to re-watch another invisible Jenas tackle and Zokora grasscutter.

Not that 30,000 or so Spurs fans would turn up carrying PSP's to games but at the minute if there's a controversial incident in the match, it's not shown on the Jumbotron. Reason being, they don't want to incite trouble by showing something that might cause a colourful reaction towards the ref, players or the opposing fans. We can watch it all later on Match of the Day. We do not need to see if the goal was without a doubt offside or not. The ref gave it, we swore/celebrated when it went in, we all debated it's validity in the stands. It's part of the match-day atmosphere. The buzz. The stands, the fans, the pitch, the action.

Would be nice for football to remain detached from all the corporate, cringe-worthy commercialism and modernisation, but in this financially obsessed society, it's naive to think it's ever going to go back to the way it was. Not when footballers are being offered 500k per week to play. Although the German's manage to do just fine, with just about the right balance, retaining old style traditions within their stadia. You can sit there with a pint in your hand and watch the game unfold. That's a pint, not a PSP. Sony offer Arsenal a ton of money, Arsenal accept. Most clubs would. Arsenal have the 'advantage' of taking up the offer due to the in-built technology at the Emirates.

Seems the more you go to football nowadays, the more pointless gimmicks are thrown in your way, paraded as advancements for your pleasure, but nothing more than a complete distraction.

Personally, and I'm even certain Gooners will agree, this is unlikey to take off. How many fans are gonna lug their PSP's to games? Surely a service that sent video footage of key moments to their mobile phones would work far far better (and that actually already exists independently).

Regardless, I'm looking forward to the first incident that involves a fan holding up his PSP right in front of the away fans after a 'controversial moment', pointing at it and shouting 'It was offside! HAHAHA, 1-0 to us'.

That should be a laugh.

Tottenham's transfer policy explained...

White Hart Lane. The chairman’s office. A few weeks back...

HARRY: We need some proper players here.
LEVY: Ok, not a problem. Let me just get Damien in here and…
HARRY: Comolli? You sacked him.
LEVY: Oh yes, of course I did. Laugh out loud!
HARRY: Come on Daniel, breathe nice and slow, here...take a seat, I’ll fetch you a glass of water.
LEVY: I’m not sure I can make...make any suggestions.
HARRY: You let me worry about the targets. Make sure you’ve got the readies ready for Redknapp. HAHAHA, got to use that one next time I speak to the boys from the press.
LEVY: Who are you after?
HARRY: For a start, Defoe. They love ‘em here. We should bring him back.
LEVY: He’ll cost more than we sold him for.
HARRY: Pompey owe £5M for Kaboul, so we can write that off as part of the deal.
LEVY: That might just work. I’ll earmark £15M for Jermain.
HARRY: We also need a proper midfielder. A DM, holding type of midfielder. Not enough grit from the current lot.
LEVY: Any thoughts?
HARRY: Not sure at the minute. Shame Diarra went to Madrid. Might need to watch Match of the Day to get an idea of what’s available. Or take a trip to Africa. All expenses paid of course.
LEVY: Well, we could…
HARRY: What?
LEVY: There’s a formula Damien and myself would use when we signed players. We could possibly implement it now. It’s effective. Worked with Bale, Bentley, Gomes and Pav.
HARRY: I’m all ears.
LEVY: Well, based on Fantasy Football points accumulated and tabloid reporting and tv highlights we calculate who is considered to be the most hyped up player of the past month.
HARRY: Ok. Then what.
LEVY: We bid between £14M and £16M for him.
HARRY: You know...that might just work.
LEVY: There is another system which is equally as affective.
HARRY: Hold on, let me get a notepad.....go on…
LEVY: We buy whoever played well against us.
HARRY: That’s brilliant! Gives us plenty of targets to choose from. We’ll use this going forward.
LEVY: You don’t want to use your system?
HARRY: What system?
LEVY: ...
HARRY: ...
LEVY: Right. Targets.
HARRY: I want Bellamy.
LEVY: Hold on, we haven’t used the formula.
HARRY: He’s scoring goals, he’s on form. He’s got grit and determination.
LEVY: I’ll call West Ham.
HARRY: Bid £12M, that should do it. West Ham are desperate for the cash.
LEVY: Ok.
HARRY: And Defoe?
LEVY: Already made a bid.
HARRY: How?
LEVY: Blackberry.
HARRY: Triffic. Triffic. Love modern technology. Only had paper back in my day.
LEVY: I was right getting rid of the director of football system wasn’t I?
HARRY: Of course you were, of course. Can you use that Bluebell thingie to text Duxbury about Bellamy?
LEVY: Also done. Fingers slipped though, and I bid £15M for him.
HARRY: Triffic. We work well together, don’t we?
LEVY: We do. Director of football? Who needs one?
HARRY: Not us! Let’s get Appiah in for a trial.
LEVY: Harry, Harry, Harry…the formula! The formula!!
HARRY: I know, I know, but he’s a free agent.
LEVY: Sorry, he’s a what?
HARRY: A free agent.
LEVY: I don’t get it.
HARRY: He’s free. He won’t cost us anything.
LEVY: He won’t cost us anything?
HARRY: That’s right.
LEVY: So, he’ll cost us something?
HARRY: No, he won’t cost us anything...something...we don’t need to pay a transfer fee. He’s free.
LEVY: But...but someone needs to be paid.
HARRY: Well, there’s his wages to consider. Signing-on fee.
LEVY: Not...enough...someone...must...be...paid…
HARRY: Daniel...Daniel, breathe...that’s it...here’s your paper bag...breathe...that’s it...
LEVY: Can we talk about something else?
HARRY: Yeah, of course...of course.
LEVY: Good, good.
HARRY: How about Palacios?
LEVY: The Wigan player?
HARRY: Yes. Perfect fit, upgrade on Zokora.
LEVY: He can pass and tackle?
HARRY: Yes.
LEVY: Can he dance?
HARRY: I...I don’t know.
LEVY: Ok, hold on. Let me look at the formula…
HARRY: ...
LEVY: ...
HARRY: So...?
LEVY: Hold on a sec...And we...YES!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!! HE FITS THE BILL!!!!!
HARRY: Daniel, Dan mate...get down from up there, you’ll break your back!
LEVY: Stop your worrying! Today is a good day!
HARRY: So, Palacios?
LEVY: Texting via my Blackberry as I speak.
HARRY: Another £15M?
LEVY: Just under actually.
HARRY: Really?
LEVY: I’m feeling a little cheeky...

Andrei's Magical Mystery Tour

This week I am mostly wanting to play in:

The Premiership.
by guest blogger Andrei Arshavin.

Hello, my name is Andrei. Andrei Arshavin. You might remember me from Zenit's UEFA Cup games when we achieved great success in lifting the silverware, defeating the Glasgow in Manchester. I also play for Russia and I am their star player. I'm sure you remember my famous baby-face cheek when celebrating a goal in the European Championships.

You know the one. It's when I look into the camera and shrug knowingly, with a glum yet ironically tinged pout of the lips, suggesting to the viewers I know they know how good I am and I don't mind it at all. No? You don't remember the celebration? Really? Here is a picture I have prepared for you to help jog your memory:

This is me. Andrei.

I am still playing my domestic football for Zenit, but want to play elsewhere. I must leave Zenit. I have been leaving them for many months now. This is not a debate, it is fact. My dream move would be to Barcelona. I have supported them my whole life and even own a shirt that my agent gave me to prove my loyalty to the Catalans whilst photographed by many reporters. Here is another picture of me with a Barcelona shirt when I was a little younger. They are my boyhood club and no matter who I play for, I will always play for them in my heart of hearts even when playing for someone else.

That is not lipstick. The photo has exaggerated the colour of my lush pink lips and made them look red, red like the colour of the Arsenal, one of my English dream moves if possible, please.

 
I think I would be perfect for Barca and players like Messi and Henry would compliment my special special play. Zenit need to allow me to go and follow my dream. My summer dream move to Tottenham was sabotaged by Zenit's greed. Yes I am worth more than £20M but do not hold everyone to ransom. Let me be free to claim my destiny. And look at Spurs. They are fighting relegation because I am not there to create goals for them. My good friend Roman is struggling without my cheeky yet deceptive skill. Same say Spurs have pre-contract with Zenit and Zenit wait for bigger bid first before selling. I say this is sh*t. It is rumour from the gutter.

My new dream move a couple of months ago was Bayern of Munich of Germania. This is a dream but Zenit did not allow me to achieve this destination. I am not a slave. Europe must not be denied my petulant magic on the field. My cheeky glum shrugging should not be anchored to Russian land only. Here is a picture of me:

Why so serious? Because I am serious to leave the Zenit

The winter transfer window is now open, and I believe I am a step closer to playing with my boyhood club Barcelona or Munich. My other dream club. However, I like England. My friend Roman says it's cold like Russia. My agent Mr Latcher is speaking with the Arsenal about a move. It is a dream to play in the Premiership and Arsenal. I also have a picture of me in a Arsenal shirt when I was young:

Proof of my Arsenal bloodline

I am counting the seconds down to the closure of the transfer window when Zenit finally allow me to follow my dream and depart for North London where I will destroy teams with my vision and tapestry of talent

I like North London. But not sure of the Spurs. Ramos is gone, no? Harry Redknapp has a scary face. If Barca, Bayern, Chelsea and Arsenal, if these dreams do not happen, then yes, why not Tottenham? My friend Roman is there. I speak to him regularly. But Spurs is no longer dream. Just a nap. And this High Road you have, I can not find Louis Vuitton anywhere.

Tottenham? It's not sexy.

But my heart is set. I must be a Arsenal player. My agent told me this and my dream is now clear. I must not wait any longer. They should pay Zenit all of the money up-front in cash. It is fair, no? I am worth it. I am a footballer and want to play football where my heart is, and my heart although its above my gut, its soul is in the Emirates Arena. Adebayor, van Persie, Walcott...... they will learn much from me and how to celebrate goals with true style.

Islington? Much more sexy than Tottenham High road.

Arsenal for me is the team I must be playing for. They must make sure my agent is happy and then I play for them. My agent understands football and what is dear to my heart. I hear good things about the Arsenal area. I visited recently when I was on holiday in London and it is my favourite place. I want to visit the Bierodrome in Angel. It has many beers. Russian beer as well I hope. And I hear many sexy girls in this place.

They are all angels in Angel, with wings to fly to my hotel

It is my dream to be with Islington girls. Many of them. Zenit must not stand in my way. My dreams for Barca, Munich and Chelsea are no more. I will be 100% committed and pray and pray Arsenal pay my worth to my club and then big holiday for Mr Latcher. If no deal, Mr Latcher will buy my contract and I will be free agent in the summer and then I go anywhere I want. For football reasons. And some money for Louis Vuitton. Yes - Arsenal is my dream.

Unless Manchester City want me. They are a big club building for Champions League. Bigger than Chelsea. Kaka is not great, but I am. They do not need Kaka and I can play golf and make goals for Bellamy. Bid for me City, if you want me to want you to be my dream.

Next week: It is my dream to play for Juventus and Inter.

Random footie thoughts on a Monday evening

Bellamy. Phew. The last thing we wanted was a 29 year old injury prone player who is basically a Cardiff born version of Robbie Keane. Just a bit more angry and with more tattoos. Add to it, not prolific, not reliable and has discipline issues. Handy with golf club, mind. At least Robbie does cartwheels. Or did once upon a time. Kaka, Robinho......Bellamy. School boys own stuff. It's like a dream team from SI's Football Manager 2009.

Modric doesn't spend enough time in forward positions. I'm stating the obvious, aren't I? When he does, he's sublime. We saw it on Sunday when he played Defoe in with a decisive little bullet pass which led to the equaliser. So can we have more of the Modric of the final 30 or so minutes from now on, rather than the deep in midfield, fighting for every ball and attempting to gain possession version? Not that seeing him get stuck in is a bad thing (we need a bit of that), but a player of his quality should be maximised as much as possible for his strengths. Stay forward and create and conduct play and let Zokora do the donkey work and play the holding role. Oh. Right. Yes of course. Zokora. Our £8M gem of a DM. Who cares if he has a woeful first touch and can't pass. The dance! That dance! The one he does after the game if we win. HAHAHAHA, that Zokora, he so craaaaaaaazy.

Palacios doesn't want to leave Wigan apparently, as he's settled and probably fancies a bigger move in the summer. No disputing his form, but maybe this is fates way of telling Spurs they don't have to always splash out almost £15M on the player of the moment. Palacios has come out of nowhere (Birmingham reserves), and as we've seen in the past - not every flavour of the month lasts the distance.

As for Robbie Keane. What a waste up there. He should have known his limits and stayed with the little club in Lilywhite.

Cheeky bid?

Out of action

Defeated.

Happy New Year

See you all on the other side where I intend to start 2009 with a Dear Mr Levy letter. It's been several months since the last one, so Levy is due one.

In the mean time, I'm not the only one who enjoys a parody. This one from the Guardians Rob Bagchi. Oh the hilarity.

Daniel Levy's Year