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Entries from July 1, 2012 - July 31, 2012

Tuesday
Jul312012

The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Bale and Charlie Adam

Betty the honey bee was sick and tired of being second best all the time. She was fed up with wasps and even ants taking the mickey out of her lisp and her lopsided wing. Freaky Betty Bants they called her with cruel irony, because she never had anything to say in response. Even the drones laughed at her. She sucked at pollination, insecure and lacking confidence in her own ability as part of the work force. Many times Betty waited for a mockingbird to end it all but something stuck in her mind. If she was going to go down she might as well do so with infamy rather than depressive acceptance. Betty the bee wanted to become the most famous bee of all time. Her plan was simplistic. A high profile event, not necessarily a live television broadcast but anything where cameras were present to capture the moment. Many a time she avoided a squatting in and around the brick world away from the flowers, where she would frequent to think about life and the future.

"Those pesky football fans. I'll show 'em. I'll sting their favourite son, see how they like that buzz"

"Don't do it" said Betty's best and only friend, Barbara, "It's suicide man!"

But Betty was sick of the bullying and sick of the hive and the mundane existence. She wanted the glory. The Bee that would sting the Bale.

"I'll become a legend. They'll talk about me 'til there's no honey left on the planet"


-


Spurs v Blackpool, White Hart Lane, 2011


Bale: Yeah yeah, look at me, so sexy on the ball, got to get past this player

Adam: Oh God, is that a bee?

Bale: Got past him, damn it, the ball's got away from me...need to stretch a little to get it...

Adam: GARETH!! THERE'S A BEE! IT'S BUZZING AROUND YOUR ANKLE MAN! Oh God, he hasn't seen it! I'LL GET IT GET GARETH! I'LL GET THE B*STARD!

Bale: AAAAHHHH!!

Betty: AAAAHHHH!!

Adam: Oh sh*t, sorry mate.

Bale: Did you get the bee?

Adam: Yeah, it's dead man. Sorry about your ankle.

Bale: Collateral damage. At least it didn't sting me.

 

-

Aftermath


The funeral for Betty was one of much frustration for Barbara. There was no actual body to bury after the incident and the catering was dull. It also rained and a couple of drunk wasps turned up to heckle.

"I'll avenge you Betty, I promise, I'll avenge you! No matter what it takes, I'll travel to the ends of the world to fulfil the dream you failed to achieve. Your sting will live on in my sting!"

 

-



Liverpool v Spurs, Baltimore, 2012


Adam: Jesus Christ! Is that another bee? Bale, there's another God damn bee buzzing after you!

Bale: What? Again? Must be the hair conditioner. Do something, get it, get it, quickly!

Adam: I don't know Gareth, I damaged your ankle last time!

Bale: The bee man, the beeeee!! Get the sodding bee!!!

Adam: Okay...here we go...got to time this...just right...just right...come on Adam, you can do this son...Grrrrr

<tackle>

Bale: AAAAHHHH!!

Adam: Oh not again!

Barbara: Glory! Reap the pain! Hold up...what the f***? Need to escape! I'm stuck! My barbed stinger! Oh God! I'm going to be ripped apart if I pull away! My abdomen! My digestive tract! Nobody...nobody told me this would happen...Glory in death! For you Betty! ...AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Bale: My ankle is fine you idiot, aside from the f***** bee sting! You let it f******* sting me!


Adam: Soz?


-



Post-match...


Bale: <speaking to the press> He's obviously come for me twice now. Not sure if it's the same one but this time he got me. The sting hurts. As for Adam, from what I saw of him on the pitch, I think he's a bit of a coward. There are pictures on the internet of what he did before, it was unfortunate he snapped my ankle ligaments but he got the bee. This time, he bottled it. Missed the bee completely. I was out for three months that time and one player told me he has a bit of a thing for me and wants to protect me but is this really protection? It's flattering when players try to take you out but I'm not that way inclined. Bee's can threaten your career, he mistimed his tackle. I don't care if its just a friendly, a bee is still a bee. He should have stopped it.

 

-


A day later...


Adam agent: You okay?

Adam: Why didn't I go in with two feet? Why didn't I go studs up? Why didn't I do more? What's wrong with me?

Adam agent: Calm down. Don't worry, let me handle this.


-

 

Press release...


Adam agent: <speaking to the press> It doesn't warrant a reply because everyone knows Charlie is not that type of player. Everyone in football knows he has no malice or anything like that in him. Unless you're an insect or a member of the Apini tribe. He'll f*** you right up.



-



A bee hive, in a middle of a field, later that day...


Adam: <walks towards bee hive to the tune of 'Still' by the Geto Boys>

Random Bee: Oh sh*t! Is that a baseball bat?

 

 

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Monday
Jul302012

Modric

Luka move to Madrid facing the Ax'el

Witsel to La Liga? Luka move off? Get Real

Modric faces the Ax

And so on...

Another day, another ridiculous twist in the Luka Modric saga. This time linking Madrid with a 40 Euro bid for Axel Witsel of Benfica. If there isn't a more blatant piece of transparency in pressuring Levy to say yes to their Luka bid, unless of course you believe we have in fact accepted their bid, one to the tune of £36M which is edging far closer to our valuation of the player.

Confliction!

The Dinamo Zagreb sporting director has revealed it's done and dusted (he'll know because his club is due £2.5M or so from the transfer). Which then pushes the bid back towards the £30M mark and a long way from the £40M. Either way £36M is a win win for us, minus any payments to be made to the club we signed him from. Madrid (Marca) are supposedly saying they've got the better of us. I tend to side with the theory that Levy has a £5M or so buffer - player valued at £40M, will accept £35M. Madrid have been well below that for the best part of the summer. Have they finally just accepted they won't defeat Levy on this and no amount of bluffs will influence the outcome that we want to see played out?

So it's just another day and nobody has a clue what is truly going on. Everyone claims to know but all the rumourwhoring and subjective commentary and guesswork is there to simply fill up our Twitter time-lines via the journalists and reporters that are no different to the message board 'in the know' communities. It's just stuff, fluff to fill the empty space between the present day and the official club statement that will finally end this sorry saga. A paradox because all that empty space currently resembles a padded room rammed with foaming loons accepting their strait-jacket imprisonment.

When will it end? When it ends. How will it end? When a bid is accepted.

That's how simplistic it is. It's a connect-the-dots puzzle, easy enough completed, just needs a pencil. What we've got instead is a dozen or so people throwing paints and crayons at it.

My ultimate wish on all of this? That would be Madrid not really interested in Luka, doing Levy a favour for first refusal on Bale in the future. Let it drag to the depths of deadline day and beyond, leaving Luka anchored to Spurs once more. Probability? 0.1%. But a boy can dream.

Sunday
Jul292012

Astonishing

It's astonishing to think that on Ledley King's first full start back in 1999 against Derby, he was clattered and picked up an injury that led to surgery on his left knee and a footballing life time of heartache and pain and yet still managed to be the colossus he will always be remembered for. That incident thirty seconds into a match, aged 19, defined the rest of his career of non-training, injections, swelling and the very best of the Premier League's opposing strikers tucked comfortably into his back pocket.

Imagine that. Right from the start you're anchored to the depths and yet still find a way to swim to the top and find yourself on land. Yet how ironic and frustrating that what was probably a run of the mill innocuous challenge set Ledley on this road to only find himself staring back at the depths.

Gladiator.

Sunday
Jul292012

The top five alternative existences of Charlie Adam.

5 - Carcass for pig feeds

4 - Chained up yard dog

3 - Subsitute for rat poison in badly mixed batch of cocaine

2 - The pus in a zit on the arse of Joey Barton

1 - Footballer

Saturday
Jul282012

The Stupendous misadventure of Gareth Bale

Spurs pre-season Tour of the US...

Gareth: 1-0! Take that Galaxy!

FIFA’s HQ...

Blatter: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K? WHAT IS THIS? THIS BLATANT FABRICATION, THIS MONSTROSITY OF A LIE? I WANT THIS PLAYER BANNED FROM FOOTBALL FOR THE DURATION OF THE OLYMPICS! NO, NO, I REFUSE TO DELVE DEEPER AND INVESTIGATE WHY HE’S PLAYING AND SCORING FOR SPURS. I WANT TO BE QUOTED AND I WANT TO TREND. FACTS ARE INCONSEQUENTIAL. THIS ENGLISH MAN MUST BE PUNISHED. WHAT’S THAT? HE’S WELSH? THERE’S A DIFFERENCE? I DON’T KNOW, THEY ALL LIVE ON THAT GOD FORSAKEN ISLAND I CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE. HOW DARE HE FEIGN INJURY AND IGNORE THE HONOUR OF THE OLYMPIC GAMES. HOW VERY DARE HE. BRING ME THE HEAD OF GARETH BALE.

PA: You want to use that as part of your press release?

Blatter: No, no. Just state if a club does not release a player then their association, if they so wish can come to us here at FIFA and we can then ban the player from participating in club related football for the duration of the Olympics. I’ll let everyone take my generalisation and run with it to the hills. If the kid was injured during the selection process it's a non-story. Now cancel my 10 am call. Berlusconi is coming over. He said he’s bringing a nineteen year old. Malt whisky I guess. At least I think he was talking about whisky...

 

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Thursday
Jul262012

Niko, why you mad?

Quotes via the Daily Mirror. Let's assume nothing has been lost in translation, which is the usual get-out clause for wordy ranting.

Kranjčar has accused Levy of being a liar and breaking his promise to sell Luka this summer and also guilty of condemning the players behaviour (failure to turn up to training/US tour). Niko also backs 'the strike' (what strike? the one where he ends up back in training?)

Here's the quotes:

"I know that the chairman talked to him face to face last autumn. He promised Luka he would let him go, and now he's condemning him. 

Levy did everything to protect the interest of the club and make a profit. He has also used lies to deceive the public, which is allowed in business, but if you were in Luka's shoes, you would probably do the same as him".

Okay, so firstly, Levy is the chairman of Tottenham Hotspur and leads ENIC and as much as you and me might not wish to perceive football as a business, it is. Profit is what drives the club forward to be able to build and develop, both structurally and on the pitch. Protecting the interest of the club? That's why he's the chairman Niko. Promising Luka can leave is hardly going to be a promise without one or two caveats. The main one being that any interested party must meet our valuation of OUR player. A player with four years left on his contract. Is there a cultural issue here with mathematics?

"To have an offer from Real Madrid is a once-in-a-career opportunity. I'd do anything to get to Santiago Bernabeu, playing for Real Madrid is the greatest privilege in any footballer's career, even if I prefer Barcelona. That's why I understand Luka"

Okay, so you just joined a club but you're sort of indirectly whoring yourself to the two biggest clubs in world football to prove why it's so important for Luka to play there? You can quite easily get to Santiago Bernabeu if you want. Book a flight, get a taxi. Have a look around, they do tours.

"In my three years at White Hart Lane, I never had lunch or a serious talk with the president. There was no need. It's not customary for bosses to invite you for a cup of coffee, even if you're their next-door neighbour like I was, in Cuffley. I know from my own experience how difficult these people are and how hard it is to break out of a contract with them"

Okay, so you didn't dunk your custard creams with Levy in his living room. What a monster of a human being he is. Evil, pure evil.

"Remember Berbatov? And it was the same with me: they held me back for two years, until finally my new club paid what they were asking, and not a pound less. That is their speciality: they set unreasonably high transfer demands, but the absurd thing is they always get what they ask for"

Berbatov? Hmm, yes, yes. I remember him. He's the fella that only signed for Spurs so that he could prove to Fergie he was good enough for Man Utd. Played a blinding first season, throw a strop in the first summer than orchestrated his escape via strike after his second season. That Berbatov right? I guess you want Tottenham to bend over for everyone and just hand over our 'best' players for tuppence because the players, the poor little players, are the victims in all this? Unreasonably high transfer demands? Either you rate your mate Luka (and yourself) or you don't. Make your mind up. We get what we ask for? That must mean that the buying club agrees with our valuation of the player because if they didn't they wouldn't sign him.

"Kiev is not London, but it is very good for city life, and the football teams are very strong. Dynamo Kiev is big on tradition and the fans, and though lots of people will say it's not like Tottenham, if you look at history, Dynamo Kiev is a bigger club than Spurs."

That's fair enough. It's what you believe and I wish you well. But never again will I lose myself in those dazzlingly eyes of yours. You slag.

 

Thursday
Jul262012

I see dread people

The heat is killing me. I'm zapped. Ironic, we complain when the weather is crappy then complain when it's not because it's far too hot to travel or sit in the sun for long periods. You feel sleepy, either because you're stuck in the office or indoors or drank too much booze (that last one is actually one of the good scenarios). Fact is, it's far easier to bitch and be vocal about it than to accept and nod approvingly.

It's the same for football.

Okay, so that was the worse link I've ever done and I blame the 30 degree temps.

So football...if you smile and proclaim confidence you might have a finger pointed at you accompanied with, "Look at him, he's crazy, he's covering up his ears and singing la la la". Much like with anything in life, the weather included, if you're not critical, you don't have an opinion. Says the old man on the hill. I need to squint my eyes as I can't tell if it's a drunk or a Tibetan monk.

We've got ourselves a new manager, but already there are some Spurs fans that do not perceive him as an upgrade whilst others are remaining pessimistic, a trait that I thought most of us had lost over the past few seasons. It would seem it still runs deep. Probably because it's easier to accept defeat and not be knocked side ways by it then to perhaps embrace positivity and get steam rolled. And yes, Spurs fans - as a tribe - we know never to fully trust positivity because of the so many nearly moments we've vanquished in. But I don't think it's deluded to wear our hearts on our sleeves, more so these days. Also, it's a far more complete experience if you simply believe and take on every game like it's your very last day of supporting the team. But sure, everyone is entitled to an opinion and because of what happened with his Chelsea tenure, some are reversing judgement. I can't argue with that logic, we don't want to be made to look like fools. However, there's a difference between being reserved and being depressive.

Such is the micro-analysis that everything, absolutely every single thing has to be commented on and broken down and dissected and discussed. Every single aspect of the club and the team. We talk about it because we can, thanks to social media and blogging and message boards. We do so in modern days because of the sheer amount of information we have available to us. Perhaps we read too much into things because we can and because of the obsession we have and the necessity to commentate. Much like I wish to ignore, say pre-season friendlies which only hint at certain aspects of team development/progress. Which is where all this rhetoric has been birthed from. It's disappointing to see some have already attempted to predict the future by suggesting the high line didn't work against LA Galaxy, therefore, Villas-Boas is somehow struggling/will struggle and it's looking pear-shaped. Because it didn't quite work with fluidity and confidence in a friendly in the USA.

Much like I randomly take photos of majestic meals and then upload said images (before and after I've cleared the plate) and share on Instagram, it seems 'we' like to indulge. Ego, vanity. It consumes us. Even this article isn't a necessity. I'm just bored. Working towards that sleepy state of intoxication. But then I'm reminded of the fact that we (I) love to complain. My thoughts on the thoughts of those that shouldn't be sharing their thoughts. Thoughtful? Thoughtless?

What do we know / have achieved thus far post-Redknapp?

We've got a manager in quickly, one that ties in with the opening of our state of the art training complex and the clubs long term vision. Tactics and training, a match made in heaven under a glorious new roof in Enfield.

We've got a manager that is straight to the point in interviews, answers the question without tripping over his tongue and is in-line with the club's stance, rather than contradicting it. He's our head coach (to give him his correct title) and he's behaving like one. Unlike Redknapp who seemed to be lost somewhere between coach and media starlet, constantly detached probably more because of his inability to articulate and shut the **** up.

King has retired but we've signed Vertonghen to play along side Kaboul/Dawson and the returning (from loan) Caulker. Sigurdsson has also signed, a player that (from VB's comments) will compete with vdV for the role behind the striker.

Saha has gone, Defoe might be going and we're not quite sure when (or if) the Adebayor signing will be completed.

Gomes is still with us. Lloris is still linked.

So, we need:

A right-back (to cover the departing Corluka)
Potentially (hopefully, God please) two new forward players

In addition, we could also do with a winger. We might need more, who knows, aside from the coach and chairman? We didn't bid the £25M for Oscar and we continue to chase down a 'replacement' for Modric. Which is another matter of urgency to resolve (his departure, if it's going to happen any time soon). We don't want this to once more dominate our first couple of games once the season proper kicks off.

Also (footnotes):

Players have been positive about training sessions
We've been practising set pieces
We appear to be looking for more players to sign
Rusty performance against LA Galaxy which is hardly indicative for anything other than fitness and VB note-taking

Conclusion?

There is no conclusion. If this article was being blogged a few days before the start of the new season without any new additions then I would carefully stoke my chin in thought, pondering what last minute signings at the far end of deadline day will be made. Then burst into tears.

There's still over three weeks before the season starts and five or so before the window shuts. Are we really sacrificing patience this early? It's abundantly clear we need to reinforce the squad so my trust is with the two men leading us to do just that, with the tactical evolution left for when the season pushes on.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh God! Who am I kidding? We're currently 17th in the league! Doomed I tells ya, doooomed! Talksport were right, were heading towards relegation...

 

Wednesday
Jul252012

Against a Galaxy far far away (well, not that far, across the Atlantic)

Morning. A quick flirt before breakfast.

A 1-1 draw with an MLS side with us displaying a slow moving awkward high line leaving wide open spaces for comfortable exploiting and a general lack of fluidity going forward. What is Villas-Boas doing?  Has he not learnt a thing from his calamitous Chelsea tenure? End of days. Mid-table mediocrity awaits.

Two things. The first thing is a collection of things bunched together:

- Not all our (key) players are currently available for selection

- Some of the ones that are might not be available to us once the season actually starts

- New players bedding in

- High line movement and understanding hardly something to be achieved over night

- We've not finished our transfer activity (striker(s), Luka replacement etc required)

- The heat + Galaxy fitness at mid-season stage

- Our fitness levels still being built up

- Some of our players more keen to impress than others

The second thing?

It's pre-season, which accounts for all of the above. Who cares, save injuries. Talking of which Walker and van der Vaart picked up knocks. Nothing serious, couple of days out at best. We looked good in parts, couple of very decent chances to add to the one we got.

Most interesting thing to note is the reminder that Gareth Bale (who scored) pulled out of the GB Olympic team due to injury. Works for me.

Tuesday
Jul242012

Aggression

Villas-Boas:

"Tottenham last year played magnificent attacking football," Villas-Boas said. "We want to keep that exactly as it stands, to take it into the pitch, but training in a different way. We would like to be a team that has speed in possession and different combinations, a team that looks to the counterattack in a very aggressive way. We'll have to make sure we continue to do exactly that like we have in the past."

"We're trying to continue with the same system that Tottenham played most of the time last year. It's a system that benefits Rafa and [new signing Gylfi] Sigurdsson as the two players competing for that role behind the striker."

No major tactical reshuffle in terms of set formation. 4411 with added shine for the short term with a long term ambition to perhaps mould the team into a more traditional 433 that Villas-Boas has a preference for, shifting to a combative 4231 (two holding midfielders). Adaptive formations is something we're about to become accustomed to. The way the team shapes up when not in possession is equally pivotal for strengthening the basics, such as winning the ball back and organised defending when placed under pressure. In our case, hopefully plenty of hassle, pressure and quick feet to work it from box to box.

Really looking forward to see how quickly we mature. Our players will adapt comfortably I'm sure. We've got the confidence, we just need the intelligence to drive us forward, to know when to change gear and run over our opponents. More Death Race than Herbie goes bananas. We've displayed enough refined grit in the past couple of seasons to allow for further evolution.

I love the line: counterattack in a very aggressive way

Love the word 'aggressive'. Aggressive hints at 'ruthless' and 'punishing' football to complement the flair and fancy stuff. Have we been aggressive in recent years? On occasions sure, and in terms of individualistic mannerisms (i.e. Bale), yes (when not lost roaming through the middle) but aggressive can hardly be used as a signature to our weekly performances and it's not been evident when we've failed to penetrate deep defending from the opposition (although guile is the prefered choice when breaking down a team that parks the bus - you can hardly counter attack a wall that doesn't move). We are definitely more bullish than we've ever been. We just need an edge to our game, that extra dimension which has yet to be fully tapped. Always felt our counter-attacking style specifically is better described (by myself with ample dramatics) as fast fluid elegance that can pack a punch rather than sheer brutality in finish. We need to be aggressive in tempo as well as the counter.

Brings me nicely onto the next blog article about intensity.

 

Monday
Jul232012

DML Supa Liga - fantasy football, sign up, sign up

Fantasy Football and me, do not go hand in hand. Full of confidence on day one, by Christmas I'm out of the race like a much maligned Spurs side of the 1990s. I blame other distractions such as Football Manager but the reality is, I lose focus faster than Harry Redknapp in the midst of flirting with England. However, you lot appear to want this back again, so knock yourselves out:

 

Code to join the DML Supa Liga is: 195141-56816  (via Fantasy Premier League 2012/13)

 

May the most obsessed geek win.

Sunday
Jul222012

Levy v Luka

Luka fails to turn up for training. Fails to board a plane to the US for our tour. Is supposedly fined (or will be if he remains absent). Villas-Boas has proclaimed that the player has placed himself in a difficult position with the club, considering we're actually negotiating to sell him. Levy has been angered and the rest of us are left bored by the returning transfer saga that appears (on the surface) to have stagnated.

We don't know what's going on behind closed doors but from the looks of it, the player with agent are once more attempting to force the issue.

Summer arrives
Spurs agree to allow Luka to leave, if valuation is met
Player agrees to this
The assumption is, there's a new 'gentleman's agreement' and one that will be played out with honour
Interested parties speak to both Luka's representatives and THFC
Within time, it becomes apparent that no English club will be able to afford the player
This is - no doubt - a strategic ploy by Levy to guarantee we don't strengthen the competition
Modric's valuation holds firm when compared to other 'top end' English to English club transfers
Only viable interest from the continent - and Real Madrid
Madrid and Spurs appear to be involved in long running negotiations to agree a fee
Spurs value Luka between £35M - £40M (guessing), Madrid don't value him quite as high
(Our best player won't be their best player, he might not even be a first team starter, hence the lack of agreement between the two clubs)
Negotiations continue with media doing as much guessing as the fans (i.e. player swaps)
Realisation kicks in that Spurs will stick to their mantra, and only sell when 'right price' is matched
Luka and agent decide that drastic action is required to attempt to orchestrate the move by applying pressure on Spurs and Levy to 'give in'
Honour is lost
Luka fails to appear in training session, fails to appear with passport for US tour
Spurs (via Villas-Boas, if not intentionally) states Levy is angered/club not happy and player has made it difficult for himself
Modric's contract still remains in a state of long term

Next move?

Madrid have to meet our valuation to put all of us out of our misery. Can't see how the player and agent think going against Levy in this manner is going to help them considering what the club and Levy went through last season with Chelsea.

We mugged them all off last time out, why would we drop our guard and give them the chance to punch their way through this time? Modric was knocked-out in the first fight. My money's on a TKO this time round. The player will be sold when the club want him to be sold and that will only happen when our expectations are complemented. Luka, any more below the belt punches and you'll be disqualified son.

Ding, ding.

Saturday
Jul212012

Daniel Levy misses conference call in bid to derail Modric Madrid move

Spurs chairman AWOL

Daniel Levy has thrown Tottenham’s summer transfer dealings into disarray after failing to dial into a conference call to decide on the latest bid from Spanish giants Real Madrid in their pursuit to sign Luka Modric. With the player’s heart set on a move to La Liga, the hope was that the Spurs board would agree on the latest offer of £24.9M (with further add-ons) or simply wait a week for Madrid to bid less before accepting it.

The suggestion is that Levy plans to agitate for stagnation and avoid any deal from concluding so that it’s dragged on across the summer with the possibility of the player, deep in contract, unable to move on for the second year running. According to club insiders Levy submitted a memo saying that he won’t consider taking any calls from abroad unless they are from clubs responding to offers made for their players or bids for our players that are not called Luka Modric.

Modric did not train on Thursday, the first scheduled day of his pre-season, although he did turn up at Spurs Lodge. He did not stay for long having been chased out of the training complex by club mascot, Chirpy, who (with cigar in mouth and a bottle of whisky in hand) screamed obscenities at the Croatian play-maker who managed to escape by car without injury. Modric later met representatives from Claims Direct at a restaurant suggesting that perhaps one of the squirrels thrown at him left a scratch or two.

Injury lawyers for Luka

 

Madrid president, Florentino Perez, is confident that Modric will move to his club and has instructed the player not to travel to the United States with Spurs for their tour. The plan is to have the player stay behind and if he remains detached long enough everybody will forget what he looks like so when Ricardo Carvalho turns up with a mullet speaking broken Croatian nobody will notice. Levy’s stance has also softened. Last summer he was abundantly clear the player was not for sale. This year he accepts the player does have a price. A price that sits written on a post-it note stuck to Modric’s current long standing contract with the club placed in an envelope hidden within Levy's boxer shorts which can only be revealed if he is caught.

Some one close to the board who isn’t on the board but knows someone who knows someone who shared it with someone who posted it on a forum which then proceeded to spread via social media said, “If Luka’s agent wants to orchestrate a move to Madrid, they’ll have to find Levy and get hold of the envelope. They will have to place their hand down the front of Levy’s trousers to get it. It’s that simple”.

According to the Daily Mail, Levy was last sighted boarding a yacht, sticking up his middle finger and screaming 'haters gonna hate'.