Running up that hill

So there stood the general with his army at the foot of the hill. Memories of a past glory in battle which was fought gallantly and won. Having returned to reclaim the land for a second time, his tired troops look up at the steep hill and frown. For it's not an easy task to climb and fight and then stand at its peak victorious, then do it all again.

Their foes, they are more prepared this time. The element of surprise, no longer a factor.

"Onwards we shall charge", the general commands.

Dissent in the ranks.

"Onwards? Charge? Again? Why can't we just go around the hill? Then come up the other way and surprise them? Fight from the top and push them back down", say the tired troops.

"We don't have enough men to do that", some say to each other.

"We don't have the right type of men", some dare to whisper.

"Onwards!" Screams the general.

"This just about worked last time, we've been stuck at the foot of the hill all year, it's too late. We should have attempted something different from the offset. They can see us coming", say the tired troops, dismissing their generals strategic know-how.

"Onwards! Let us claim what we deserve!" The general commands as he begins to lead his men forward on horseback.

And onwards they march, for they are soldiers and they obey their orders.

Once more. Running up that hill, battle cry from all.

And if they were to be pushed back once more by the barbaric hordes that await them then surely the general will admit defeat and return to the foot of the hill and await for reinforcements from the emperor. And then perhaps another tact will have to be embraced to once more reclaim the land and plant the flag of victory in it's peak.

The hill will always be there. The fight will always be a tough one. And if it's been done before, it can be done again. Perhaps next time, by taking no prisoners.

Onwards.

There is still hope

I reckon I've got it sussed out.

All we need to do is sacrifice fifteen virgins (one for each remaining point) in the centre-circle at White Hart Lane and then take five voodoo dolls representing each club we have left to play and hang'em upside with pins inserted.

Whilst the sacrifice takes place (for reasons relating to legality we can't actually sacrifice people so I've spoken to a friend who knows someone who knows someone who can put me in touch with a farmer and for a nominal fee covering insurance purposes we can borrow fifteen lambs although we have to return the meat post-ritual or we'll lose the deposit)...Okay, so whilst the sacrifice takes place on the pitch we need to then set fire to the voodoo dolls and pray to Mait' Carrefour, the Haitian god of magicians and lord of the crossroads, promising him the souls of the sacrificed virgins (he won't know the difference, the souls are unlikely to bleat after they transcend) in return for Champions League next season. We also need to bury Chirpy in a shallow grave. Nothing to do with the ritual at all. Just, you know, might as well kill two birds with one stone.

I reckon that just about covers it and it's as full-proof as anything can possibly be. Got it all planned out on my clipboard.

No need to waste time on how to line-up our forwards best. How to get them to play with passion and desire starting off with the fundamentals like moving around the pitch a bit and controlling the ball. How best to structure our midfield for assured balance. Where to slot in Lennon for maximum impact. How to retain the required level of tenacity in games against lower-placed clubs as displayed against the bigger sides. How to get the message across that even if the opposition hasn't lost for a fair while, we should be storming it at home in a flurry of fantastics rather than once more failing with frustration.

Also no point in dwelling on the harsh reality of irony whereby said failure is shared by all involved, including the players that might want to transfer their way out in the summer due to the club not being involved in a competition because the same players failed to take us back there. Or is it the managers fault? Or is it mine for thinking we'd get on fine and that we were not over-extending? Regardless, where's the killer instinct? That has to be question that hides behind another disappointment.

You want killer instinct? You want it? If you want it, you do it yourself. You get on the phone to a farmer and you order some baby sheep.

Cheer yourself up, buy a t-shirt then sell it as a collectors item to a Man Utd fan in the summer

Fourth spot. It's still on.

We simply need to win every single game remaining and City need to slip up the once in addition to playing us.

Believe.

We got written off every single game leading up to Eastlands last time out. Nothing is impossible until it's impossible and it's not impossible. Not yet. When it finally is I'll applaud the team for a quite stupendous season, one with regretful blips that have cost us in the long run. But that's for another me in another universe, one where we finish outside the top four filled with melancholical madness, whilst an emo Spooky sits in front of his webcam reading out poetry and despairing with endless dejection.

Screw that universe.

Now excuse me. Got me some shearing to do.

Just remember what I've done for you next time you tuck into your lamb chop and potatoes.

Yet another Spurs versus Arsenal El Clásico

Well that was rather special, wasn’t it?

Is there a more enthralling, pulsating fixture in the domestic calendar than the North London Derby? Dramatic twists and turns, excellent attacking football, quality finishing all glued together with blood and thunder desire. Once again we bounced back. Once again they lost their grip on the game. You could hardly look away, other than perhaps for a brief second to momentarily ease the beats of your brutalised heart. Mentality and physically exhausting, the dvd will surely include a parental warning on its sleeve.

Okay so whether you’re white or red you’ll agree a draw was hardly the best result in terms of accumulating the points to achieve the goal each club aspires to in the run-in. Arsenal are hardly out of the challenge for the title, mathematically speaking. And regardless of the stalemate, beating Manchester City away remains the end-game task we have ahead of us, as long as we don’t drop points to our determent in comparison to City and their remaining fixtures.

Could we have won it? Sure. Had perhaps Modric made it four with his foot rather than seeing the ball hit his shin and saved. Sandro's effort too had it been perhaps an inch to the right of Szczesny might have found its way in. The Arsenal keeper coming to their rescue again with saves from Crouch and van der Vaart in what was a far better second half of football for us than the first.

They could argue the same thing though. They could have won it too.

Hindsight would probably have seen me select Sandro from the start to stop Arsenal from over-running us in midfield as he would have been far more comfortable with breaking up play and generally being a nuisance and menace. To have had him playing the simple ball, recycling possession effectively and without fuss might have balanced things out in our favour and frustrated the opposition. But then it’s from a place of comfort after the event to perhaps look back and be critical of selection. And to play devil’s advocate, Sandro was guilty of one sleepy pass that might have proved costly. But hey, we’re all human.

I was more content with the line-up. van der Vaart, Pavlyuchenko and Crouch in the same team gave us a foil and a more dynamic dimension when pushing forwards rather than perhaps having the one striker ahead of the Dutchman. Perhaps working better on paper than in practice, with the Russian on the outside looking in for most of the game. Across the full ninety perhaps Pav didn’t have the impact you’d have wished for but he worked hard. Crouch hassled and vdV buzzed. Modric was anything but lightweight (but was pushed once or twice to the floor joining Bale down there) as he did his very best to take the stranglehold back off the impressive Fabregas in an attempt to control tempo in our favour.

It didn’t actually start to pull in our direction until after that stunning first forty-five.

The very definition of a ding-dong derby. 0-1 in five minutes, 1-1 after seven, 1-2 after twelve, 1-3 after forty and then 2-3 at the forty-four minute mark. And breath.

Not taking anything away from Arsenal who scored three goals that were deserving for their effort, but once more, there are post-mortems for each one that are labelled ‘should have done better’. Hand on heart, they caused us a multitude of problems but punches were thrown in-between the goal-scoring with both sides having telling efforts.

As for those post-mortems.

0-1

Henry-lite runs onto a brilliant pass from the annoyingly good Fabregas and passes the ball into the net. We lost the ball cheaply in midfield (Huddlestone) and were duly punished for it with a combination of mistakes that played out to aid Arsenal. Gallas rushing out initially leaving a gap that then saw Dawson play the offside and BAE caught playing Walcott onside. There’s a certain level of composure and concentration that is required at all times otherwise counters like this can leave you looking up to the heavens for a pray. Hardly the definition of defensive unity. Delightful celebration by Theo.

1-1

Two minutes later and its game on. Corluka with the ball into the path of van der Vaart who majestically found the back of the net at Szczeny’s near post, on his weaker foot too. The celebration cancelling out the earlier one. Arsenal perhaps if they wish to be harsh on their keeper can point to that near post and suggest a shot should not be sneaking in from there. Did I mention the celebration? I did? I'll mention it again. Sssh.

1-2

Should Dawson have stood up (get up, stand up...) rather than attempt to block a shot that might not have been released had he got tighter or am I distracting attention away from the quality of the shot from Nasri which took a slight deflection off Michael as it flew past Gomes? Good finish, but it felt like it should have been defended better. We just sat back and watched Nasir buzz about outside the box. Will not be too critical of Gomes here, I know some of you are. I guess philosophically, if a player has a crack from that sort of distance you have to give him his due if he finds the net.

1-3

At this point you’ll have probably given up. Had you perhaps been watching any other game other than the NLD. Gallas at fault I hate to say it. Far too casual. Chesting the ball down into the path of Walcott who dinked the ball wonderfully back into the path of Robin van Persie who had a couple of attempts to make it three. The first (a header) superbly saved, but alas, the second emphatically finished as the ball came back to van Persie. I guess some of you would have wanted Gomes to catch it with one hand, ala Jennings?

2-3

Just before the break we're back in it. There was a time in the past when we would concede a goal before half-time and find ourselves on the back-foot in the second forty-five, but this was not only a life-line but perhaps the most telling moment that probably invited doubt into the minds of our mentally fragile neighbours. With Bale off for treatment (thanks to two collisions with the winking Szczensy) Fabregas failed to clear convincingly and the ball was erotically struck by Huddlestone, hitting the ground and going through the jump of van der Vaart and past the keeper who hardly moved, apart from perhaps blinking.

There was still time for a penalty shout. Frantic stuff. Not given, could have been. We've seen less go for us and against us in the past. But then the footballing Gods didn’t want to spoil us too much, preferring to retain some drama for when the players returned to the pitch.

Half-time. And two changes. Bale (cluttered once too often) and Corluka off. Kaboul and Lennon on.

Physicality notched up a level, yellow cards dished out  to the visitors with some blood spilt (Wenger did predict that) and even some time for the introduction of Wilshere to be told to shut up by vdV, which will probably give him something to tweet about post-game. Nutmeg anyone?

If we survived during the first 45 we gradually took hold of the second, although it was still littered with remainders that for every couple of chances we crafted out, they could have done better with theirs. Offside goal disallowed that might not have been offside (did Gomes play to the whistle? I think he did and half gave up when he heard it). Walcott also making the wrong decision with a cross-shot shot that didn't hit the target or find one of his team-mates.

Far more confident possession and intent from us. Proactive rather than reactive, with Arsenal on the back-foot more often than not but still dangerous. Next goal ‘wins’ it then.

If Modric made us tick, and van der Vaart was outstanding leading us forwards there was BAE, as cool and calm as you like, he might as well have been on the beach in Brazil than at White Hart Lane in the midst of a NLD. Open invitation for Alan Hansen to review past comments. Absolutely on the money from the pimp master. Distribution was solid and classy and sexy and when others lost their cool around him he made sure he was ever reliable at key moments. The ball for Lennon deserving of a goal. Instead we got a penalty out of it. Still ended up with a goal. Szczesny committing himself with little option other than to take down Aaron. Cool as you like, van der Vaart from the spot for his brace. Hero.

3-3.

Wenger animated on the bench (did I see a moment of monty python at one point?). Harry believing we’d probably get another. Oh for the love of all things wonderful on God’s green earth, it could have been four. Modric failing to connect cleanly. Then followed some neat saves from Gomes (not to be left bored at the other end) and those Crouch and Sandro efforts teasing all that watched, but a winner wasn’t to be for either side.

Stalemate, but hardly stale. 3-3 at the final whistle. And to think there were one or two people at home tuned in to watch Real Madrid v Barcelona.

What does it mean for us? Not much, nothing has really changed. We still have plenty of games left to take back fourth spot but each one of them has to be played like it’s do or die. No complacency. No more mistakes. And perhaps some bravery from Harry in selection too. We have to consider that we might end up drawing at Chelsea and at Eastlands which means its the results in the other fixtures that will seal our fate. Forget about the points dropped, we have no other choice but to look forwards and to continue to believe we can make it.

We’ve come a long way. We’re no longer push-overs, we can take a punch and we can land a hay-maker of our own. But much like Arsenal we have gaps that need to be filled. We have the mental strength and the tenacity these days. Just need one or two additions and perhaps more of the shrewd from the gaffer.

One thing is for certain, we’re not the Tottenham of old, the team that rolled over like a cute puppy to be sat on by the bigger badder dog who hardly took notice if the little one. Guess the puppy grew up and took a massive bite out of its aggressor.

Arsenal must not be our benchmark (beating Man Utd remains the bane) but it’s a pretty nifty way of measuring our standard of competitiveness. The fact we've beaten them twice in the league recently and probably feel a little disappointed we didn't nick it last night places us pound-for-pound on the night, on equal pegging. Be it a few points off in the Prem to class it as a head-to-head.

We need to fill those gaps before they do.

We no longer fear. Other than dithering in the transfer window.

Tighten it up Tottenham. We're disappointed we didn't win. They're happy with the point. A sign of the times. Not to ruin the spectacle, but that's the crux of it. Even though I was happy with the line-up, it wasn't the perfect selection (hindsight) and finding ourselves three one down is hardly the best way to compete in a game we should have looked to win. But perhaps that's a touch too negative and harsh. Mistakes found us in that position, hardly errors of selection. Perhaps it is a benchmark after-all. When we find ourselves 3-1 up to the good against them, then it will truly be a sign that we've stepped it up once more.

Until then we need to improve our record against lower placed sides. We hardly ever lose at home in the league, and those dropped points remain the difference between sitting in 5^th and potentially being 3^rd or 2^nd as top tier clashes evidently can cancel each others hopes out.

Cracker of a game and another classic to add to the rest of them. London owns it again.

The North London Derby - presented in Technicolor

Ninety minutes. One interval. A couple of award winners in amongst the supporting cast.

Key strengths and weaknesses of the story arc?

Easy on the eye attacking bum off seats football. Lack of clinicality up front, sometimes because of the lack of chances created however mostly because there's too much of the tippy tappy and not enough of the smacking into the net ruthlessness. Dodgy keeper too. Defence can sometimes find itself all at sea, prone to lapses of concentration, what with key players usually missing from the back four. Midfield is tasty. Although if you listen to some, elements of it are over-rated. Choke? Yes. On occasions can throw it all the way.

One thing is for certain, the gaffer is much maligned. Splitting fans either side of the fence, even with moderate on the field success if not of the sustained silverware variant. The type that matters to most.

So in conclusion, deficiencies in amongst the quality. It's obvious what's wrong but patience is a commodity with a supply and demand problem with many despondent that fundamental errors occur without correction, always drowned out by familiar sound-bites. Nutty.

I'm obviously talking about Arsenal here. Actually no it's Tottenham, I've just described Spurs.

I think.

Is it?

We don't choke any more, what with them appearing to have taken that indignity off our hands. Then again, we have choked a couple of times this season with some notably under-performing, home and away, dropping valuable points. We're hardly tippy tappy, more swagger and swashbuckle. When we're not hoofing it up for the knock-down.

Arguably where it matters most, both sides are masters of making it an art form in how to almost score a goal at pivotal moments.

We only have the one dodgy keeper not a collection of them like they do. That's probably open for debate what with our second keeper being as erratic as our first choice and having never seen our third I dare not comment.

The good, the bad and the ugly amply shared between the two divided parts of north London.

The only discussion point beyond argument is colour. We play in white, they play in red.

United in our hatred for each other. Binding us like brothers (I guess from different mothers) fighting endlessly over a piece of land that both seek to claim as their own. The story is rich in history. Always entertaining, always captivating. Never boring.

And if we - Tottenham and Arsenal - decide to turn up this evening and bring us some ding-dong blood and thunder tenacity and desire we might just be in for a treat.

Both teams on the brink. Arsenal dreaming of mathematical possibilities having remained anchored all season long when countless times others cited a sunken ship. Spurs once more reaching out to claim back something made theirs last time out by sheer determination and unity that they once more hope to discover, even with a fixture list uncanny in it's form. A throw-back to the aforementioned last time.

Down to the wire, it's all in the game.

So what of it then? Whether you are white or red. What does your heart sing? What does your head quickly whisper?

I will be bitterly disappointed if we don't take the game to our visiting neighbours. Really want us to embrace the 'best team wins' mantra. In fact I want to see both sides go for each others jugular, with Jurassic drive and juggernaut effort.

We're at home. And we have to win. So says me, so says any of you lot in red too.

Last time out at the Emirates, we did some of that grand olde choking, freezing up in the first forty-five to find ourselves focused and spirited in the second half and thus pass the baton of bereavement over to our arch rivals who held it firmly to their bosom then proceeded to do some choking of their own.

Last time out at the Lane, it was win or die for their title hopes and plausibly win or die for our Champions League dream. For all their possession play they lacked any type of forceful damaging punch. In fact, we happily took their body blows before dishing out a couple of haymakers to knock'em flat out. A wonderful exercise in containment and counter aided by a sensational schoolboys own stuff strike and some heart-stopping keeping with a dab of luck-riding making a cameo for good measure.

Rather than be reactive to the occasion, I'm asking for Tottenham to be proactive this time round.

Pick up the pen and write the script from the start, rather than taking the responsibility of completing it after the initial author has become disillusioned with writers block and can't think of a definitive ending. Although you and I (being the ones who frequent N17 every other week) wouldn't complain much if that happened again. Considering we are rather good at satisfying all but a select group with a traditional satisfactory 'where on earth did that just come from?' twist, leaving us dizzy and giddy.

Box office smash please. Make me throw my popcorn up in the air and cough up my Coca-Cola. I want to see men in Lilywhite man-hugging and gesturing ecstatically to the camera as the credits roll, with the men in red despondent and dejected.

Two NLD league wins in one season? I'll take the drama not the fantasy.

Thoughts will then turn to the second and third parts of the trilogy. One filmed on location at Stamford Bridge. The other on location in Eastlands. May we be the ones taking the plaudits, the critical acclaim and another ceremonious bow and ice bucket at the finale.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. Let's wait and see how encouraging the write-ups are for the first part.

The North London Derby. Might contain scenes of an adult nature.

I wouldn't even complain if it went straight to DVD.

The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Bale

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley episode nine

Conference room 23...

Pestilence – Calamity.

Famine – I thought we’d agreed to refer to them by their actual names. Gomes or Crouch?

Pestilence – I’m referring to you lot. We’ve exceeded the allocated slot assigned to have this project completed by. Finance are on my back which means no more budget increases so I’m having to cut back on anything that isn’t project essential.

Famine – Damn it, is that why there’s no more Jaffa Cakes?

War – Okay, so we’re over budget and missed launch by what? A month at best? It’s hardly a disaster is it? Everything is still in place. It’s still all playing out as per the forecast.

Pestilence – Risk assessment would point to a less positive outlook. Do you have anything to offer to this discussion?

<silence>

Pestilence – Can you place the iPhone down for a second and pay attention please?

Death – What? Oh, sorry. Angry Birds. There’s this one pig, I can’t get the son of a...

Famine – Seriously how exactly are Jaffa Cakes classed as non-essential? Can we not cut back on stationary? We hardly need pen and paper, everything is soft copy. It’s the electronic age people. Reminds of the time during the Black Plague when I got a warning from HR for using the back of a diseased farmer to carve out my to-do list. I personally thought I was being resourceful.

Pestilence – Hush.

Famine – Soz.

Pestilence - Death. You’re the project lead with finalising closure of roadmap outputs. I can’t remember you highlighting any potential threats in the last PowerPoint presentation.

War – Great presentation by the way.

Famine – Yeah, loved the way you slipped in the slide of your wife in a bikini.

Pestilence – SILENCE. ENOUGH OF THIS AMATEURISM!

<silence>

Pestilence – Now let us please go over the minutes from the last meeting and work out a contingency plan to fix this in time for the summer break. Death, you had the agenda last time out, so War...your turn please. Death, I suggest you get your notes in order I want answers when we conclude.

War – Right, so first up, problems at the back. Some wonderful work on Woodgate and King.

Pestilence – I’m efficient. Unlike some.

War – Gallas has signed a new contract. Hutton is out injured for the season.

Death – Yeah, massive shame with Hutton there. Not so efficient Pesty with that other one. Gallas has not had a single meltdown.

Pestilence – Regarding Hutton, I kept him in the team for as long as possible. You can hardly expect me to perform miracles. He’s Scottish. As for Gallas, it was always a calculated risk. There’s still time.

War – Moving on, we actually placed more resource on the forwards in the last quarter.

Famine – So that's where our budget went?

Death – Hey at least someone is splashing out their money on forwards. Memo to Levy, memo to Levy!

Famine - Zing!

<laughter>

War – Defoe can’t score for toffee, Pav is in and out of the team and Crouch was imperative to dumping Spurs out of the Champions League.

Pestilence – Impressive.

Famine – Thanks.

War – There’s also the Stratford thing.

Death – I really don’t get the big deal about that.

Famine – Yeah, I know what you mean. A club, its history and its traditions, it’s not quantifiable by its location. Games, players, silverware...it doesn’t suddenly become devalued or disappear from memory if you up and move. A club, it’s defined by its supporters and progression allows for new chapters to be written.

Death – Exactly. If they moved to Stratford it would still be Tottenham Hotspur. Geography should not get in the way of history that is forever unchangeable in the books that chronicle it.

War – I don’t agree. It’s Tottenham which means its N17. Otherwise why not just up and move them to any part of the South East? Why not just have every club do the same and we can rename the place the USA and call it franchised sport?

Death – Most Spurs fans don’t even live in N17. What is it with you pro-N17 anti-whatever lot? Are you blind? Without those extra seats the club will never compete. It’s the only option available.

War – Now steady on. Only option? What if the OS bid was won by Paris? What then?

Death – Weak argument. Much like those demonstrations outside the ground. Pathetic. Could you not muster up anything better than a couple of hundred people with banners?

War – I had nothing to do with that. My idea of having an army of 20,000 on horseback with sub-machine guns got vetoed by the historical inconsistency panel. Something about it being out of context. They're so anal.

Famine – I still think Spurs are best off remaining in N17 because...

Pestilence – SILENCE!

<silence>

Pestilence – Keep the banal chit chat down to a minimum. You’ve all got Twitter accounts. Use them. Now, what of Stratford?

War – We gave it to West Ham United.

Pestilence – Was that a prudent choice? Sending Tottenham to Stratford would have further fragmented support.

War – Not the case sir. See, we basically did some market research.

Pestilence – Research?

War – Online poll.

Pestilence – Okay.

War - The only people vocal are ones who frequent blogs and message boards. More or less split down the middle. People that attend games remain sat on the preverbal fence. So it would have been a positive to have the club move to the OS site and maximise revenue. Everyone would have followed regardless and any dissidents would have been easily replaced with new fans. This way, with West Ham winning the bid, Levy will continue to bicker through the courts with the politics and accusations whilst they remain stuck in the not so viable N17.

Famine - In other words. You're sleeping with Karren Brady.

War - You're out of line 'mate'.

Famine - Say it's not true.

War - Okay, so we're dating. It's nothing serious.

Famine - Yeah, yeah. First it's dinner, then the theatre. What you going to get her for your one year anniversary? Removal of the running track from the legacy?

Death - Isn't Brady married?

War - Small technicality. Costs a bomb in hotel charges but she gets free access to porn.

Pestilence – <points to watch> Good work, now can we please move it along and ease up on the unnecessary commentary. I’ve got a ten o’clock. Botox. Let’s try to wrap this up quickly.

War – Okay, okay. So we’ve got van der Vaart still carrying the extra pounds.

Famine – Don’t look at me.

Pestilence – Anyone?

Death – Not me either.

Pestilence – We’ll mark that one down as luck.

War – Fixture list making it an uphill struggle for cementing 4^th again. Also, as a fail-safe we’ve managed to organise a Man City v Stoke City FA Cup final. Meaning that if Man City win the cup and have yet to secure fourth spot it’s in Stoke’s best interest to lose when they meet in the league three days later. European qualification complexities. Very tasty this. And if Stoke win the Cup they will hardly bother to turn up for the league game all things considering. Win, win for us and Man City.

Famine – Genius.

War – What else, what else? Okay, so obviously as we all know they got dumped out the Champions League. Harry continues to be linked with the England job and I’ve also set myself up as a writer for countless news feed blogs and sites so I’m really drilling home the Modric/Bale/van der Vaart ‘off in the summer’ initiative.

Pestilence – Perhaps remove van der Vaart from that equation. Just saying.

War – And I think that's it.

Pestilence – Okay. Thank you War. Death, anything you wish to input at this juncture?

Death – I’ve been speaking to the creative department and have pencilled in a bitter sweet twist for the conclusion of the Prem league. Plenty of people drawing parallels to last season’s run-in. You’ll have noticed that Spurs need to play Arsenal, Chelsea and City again.

Pestilence – So, you’re suggesting what exactly?

Death – Arsenal to avenge last seasons 2-1 and this seasons 3-2. Chelsea to avenge their 2-1 defeat. And City owe Spurs payback for the 1-0.

Pestilence – I see nothing but dust on your scythe. Explain.

Death – Arsenal are gunning for the title.

Famine – Hold up, hold up. Just got a push notification from Eurosport. Jesus Christ, Liverpool got a penalty in the 112^th minute to equalise! It's finished one all!

Pestilence – I’m sick of that God boy interfering with our business. Wenger’s team will be deflated now. Especially if Man Utd beat Newcastle.

Death – Okay, well, not all is lost. That's just one part of a triple threat. City will not want to make the same mistakes again. They are three points clear of Spurs. They only need to equal or better Tottenham's results and then beat them or even draw at Eastlands what with superior goal difference.

Pestilence – Only? They only need to? Goal difference? What if they slip up and Spurs win their other games? Is this how you plan to end Tottenham Hotspur once and for all? You're losing your edge. Far too much annual leave in the Bahamas has turned you soft and weak. And the rest of you, did any of you not stop to think that perhaps this FA Cup thing will be a distraction for Man City? Well? I also had twenty quid on Utd to do the treble for the love of all things dead...

<scratching of heads>

Death – Calm down, I did say all is not lost. There’s always my secret weapon. Torres. I got him transferred over there from Liverpool simply to be in a position to shoot down Spurs and ruin any possibility of a second successive CL placement what with Chelsea being involved in the Top four battle.

Pestilence – Torres?

Death – Yes.

Pestilence – Fernando Jose Torres Sanz?

Death – Er...yeah. That's him. Why?

Pestilence – For the love of... <shakes head despondently)

War: Do you even watch football dude?

Pestilence – How exactly did this monumental screw up happen?

Famine – Sorry guys. I was doing a little bit of outsourcing for a scouse friend of mine. I did tell you Death.

Death - Tell me what? Has Torres not scored for Chelsea?

Famine - No. He hasn't.

Death - Why did I not know about this?

Famine - I said I told you.

Death – No you didn’t.

Famine – I did. I poked you on Facebook. I set up a website for you to track.

Death – I only periodically log-in to update my status, could you not have sent me an email or a diseased farmer with a memo carved into his back?

Famine – Ha! There you go! I'm not the only one! Speak to HR. It isn’t just Jaffa Cakes they’re cutting back on. And honestly, whilst we're at it, could we not order in another plague or disaster to deal with all this rather than working through all these intricate details?

Death – Gross. Comolli. Ramos. The board of directors are in agreement that a disaster is a short team win only. And that last one, they made t-shirts out of it for crying out loud.

War – 'Two points, eight games' did have a good ring to it. I bought one. Rather fetching.

Pestilence – SILENCE!  ENOUGH! ENOUGH! Let’s just reconvene this afternoon. Also pencil in a lessons learnt session for post-end of season. In the mean time, all of you brainstorm with your teams. I want ideas to end this push for fourth sooner rather than later and not have to rely on a set of variables that might or might not happen whilst we sit back slouching on the sofa. We need to be proactive not reactive. We’ve got shareholders to answer to people. So I want to see some fire in your bellies.

War – Actually, hold up a sec, before you all leave. There’s one final agenda point I’ve got here.

Pestilence – What’s that?

War – The PFA Player of the Year awards.

Pestilence – This was fixed back in December. We manipulated the votes. Close it off. It's done.

<silence>

Pestilence – Please tell me someone, anyone...one of you...manipulated the votes? It’s down as completed on the roadmap on the shared drive. Anyone?

<silence>

Pestilence - <holds head in hands> Unbelievable.

War – Looking at the general company newsletter sent out this morning, it says Bale will win it. Didn’t we agree at the last meeting that building him up would weigh him down in the long run? This is a good thing right?

Pestilence – That was an error of judgement. He’s stronger than we expected. Anything positive feeds him to do better. This is going to have a damaging effect on our bonus.

Death - Hey, let’s look at the bright side. He’s had a really really crap 2011.

Pestilence – That’s not the point, is it? Is it? Nobody down there is capable of grasping the poxy voting system any ways! They will debate and discuss and the hype will continue to build. Twenty-four games, twenty-four games without a win and now he’s player of the year!

Death – You really do suck with the anger management since you got your promotion.

Famine – I know I sound like I’m banging on about it, but what really? No agenda point covering supply of Jaffa Cakes to aid team meeting moral? Just that, I get Rich Tea are perceived as classic biscuits, but man look at them. As plain as a field with not a single blade of grass.

<conference room door opens>

David Baddiel – Hello chaps. Sorry I’m late. Got this cracking idea for you, cat amongst the pigeons tactic. You’re going to love it. Been sitting on this baby since the 1980s.

Pestilence – See! This is what I’m talking about. Some geninue get up and go initiative to do some proper damage! Go on David, I’m listening. What you got for us buddy?

The four horsemen of the spurcalypse

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode One

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Two

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Three

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Four

The Fantastical Return of the Adventures of Bale and Bentley (Episode Five)

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Six

The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Bale - Episode Seven

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley - Episode Eight

Y word

A couple of years ago I was in a restaurant local to where I live for a 30^th birthday. Only detail relevant to this article is the incident where two blokes (birthday boy and a mutual friend) pick up pieces of pork off their plates and proceed to drop them over mine.

“There you go”

I was deeply deeply embarrassed for the pair of them. Racism and ignorance go hand in hand. Casual some might say in this case. Hardly acceptable no matter how you wish to perceive it.

If I added a caveat that they actually said "there you go yid" what would you think?

Removing the connection to football for a moment, you’d hardly expect to ever see behaviour like that at work or out and about or during an evening meal. So forgetting football, if I was Jewish and someone did that it would be absolutely scandalous. The fact I’m not Jewish still doesn’t make it acceptable but in the heads of the two comedians it was because of the affiliation and identity Tottenham has with its fanbase.

Football is anchored to my identity even when I'm sat eating a meal during an evening out. 'He’s a Spurs fan so we can make anti-Semitic jokes at his expense'. Nice one. I've never referred to myself as a 'yid' in their company or anyone elses other than when I go to White Hart Lane and I'm surrounded by thousands who might well shout it out once or twice.

And that’s the crux. It’s not because we hold our hands up high and chant ‘Yid Army’ or ‘Yiddos’. We’re not encouraging rival fans to have a go back with venomous hatred, hissing away, singing songs about gas chambers just because of one word that is buried deep in complexities about whether its derogatory nature is one that is only so if used by someone who is using it to be offensive and nothing less.

There’s a fundamental difference between you or me (if you support Spurs) saying the Y word and someone else who is using it, with expletives either side, when mouthing it off and Nazi saluting. But is there an argument to suggest that using the word as a means to defuse and disarm the racists allows for playful adoption of it that usually always crosses the line?

There might be ample irony in using a derogatory word to fight back the abuse, but that's the whole point of why it was adopted in the first place. It's not a deterrent. But it's a hefty shield.

Racism isn't born in football grounds. Once upon a time perhaps it was a breeding place for it. Point is, you know what's right or wrong. You make your own decision. The ones that make the wrong decisions are the ones that tend to end up being kicked out of football grounds. The racist thoughts are in their minds before they get to the game. Racism still exists but let's not pretend football is still stuck in the 70s and 80s.

From my own experience, the people who are anti-Semitic make the assumption that all Spurs fans are Jewish even though they know that’s hardly the case. It simply adds fuel to their fire and they dislike the fact we call ourselves yids even more because they wish for the word to be their own to be used against us. It's their weapon and they hate to see us all giddy with fingers dancing in the air as we sing.

None of this really has to be explained but thanks to David Baddiel who has hijacked the word with good intentions you would hope (kick out racism) but appears to have done so because...well, every campaign needs a hook. And the Y Word works wonders as the chorus for a song that is full of far more disturbing lyrics. It's actually a little ridiculous when you think about it. It's almost like the people involved in this don't quite have the balls to step up and deal with the actual racism itself, rather preferring to dance around people who are not racist but are apparently naively encouraging racist people to be racist.

Baddiel actually loses credibility with this. He's aiming his punch at the wrong people.

I appreciate he feels uncomfortable hearing his own fans use the word. But perhaps its the sudden realisation that his own fans tend to use it in a very different way than we do. Or the realisation that this aint half good publicity. I hate to think that. Hate to say it. But it's all very wishy-washy.

It's also now the second time in the past couple of weeks that Kick It Out has mis-kicked in the style of Diana Ross wearing a blindfold.

I said I’m not Jewish so I’m in no position to categorically tell you if the word is derogatory beyond any doubt. Outside of the match-day environment? Of course it is. Because when would you have the necessity to ever use it ? Which brings us back to the bubble of football where crowds, united in voice, can sometimes get away with chants and songs that you wouldn’t be able to if you were skipping down the aisle in Tescos or shopping in the high street. This is not to say that being borderline or beyond is acceptable at football matches. But not everything is black and white.

I’ve heard various conflicting explanations and I’m not basing the following as the spine of my argument. I don’t actually have an argument to put forward, rather just observations and opinions. So regarding history...Oswald Mosley marched through the streets during the mid-thirties ('36 to be precise) blaming the Jews for everything and so legend has it, pointed to the East from Highbury (during a speech) and stating ‘down with the yids’.

Whether that’s actually true or not, probably doesn’t matter too much in the grand scheme of things because what we do know for certain is that he marched against the Jewish community (as well as anyone else he disliked) through the East end. But not everyone followed or agreed with his facist views and many sided with the Jewish community. Which is what happened in N17 in the years that followed.

It all probably began during that era. And if the Y word was not derogatory before it sure was after Mosley marched. As for the fight back, you’ll hear some state we started to use 'Yid' in the 60s whilst others claim the 70s. During those decades and more so the 80s (before cctv killed old skool hooliganism) we still had to put up with the hissing and rest of it. With only pockets of incidents left in the game now there might be another argument that perhaps we no longer need to be throwing the Y word back in their faces. Then again, we’ve stood tall since the mid-30s. So why all the big hullabaloo about it when there are more pressing matters in football, say for example FIFA giving a World Cup to Russia, a country where they still think its okay to throw bananas at black players?

You’ll find quotes dating back to 2002 where Baddiel has spoken about all this before (from Time Out London ‘Anti-Semitism in football' by Pete Watts):

‘I told myself that it didn’t matter, that for most of these fans, “Yiddo” simply meant a Tottenham player or fan and that the negativity was about that and not about race.’ However, when Chelsea fans aimed the chant at non-Tottenham Israeli players, Baddiel ‘realised I was in denial: “Yiddo” may mean Tottenham fan but it also means Jew.’ Baddiel may be interested to know that my own eureka moment involved him. When he was spotted during a game in the mid-1990s and half the West Stand broke into a chorus of ‘Yiddo, yiddo!’, Baddiel smiled it off – but the penny finally dropped that this was racist abuse, pure and simple.

Taken him a while to get this video filmed then. I guess he's been too busy writing novels and enjoying Chelsea's success. I also find the footage for the campaign tinged with delicious irony, what with having Ledley King in there and what...no England captain John Terry? I'll move on. Wouldn't want to get a threatning letter from the FA.

I guess all those other blatantly racist chants he (Baddiel) would have heard in and around Chelsea didn’t quite filter through to his seat, lost in the acoustics of the ground I would imagine. Equally so, he appears to have been unfazed by it all in the past having dabbled in a little casual anti-Semitism during his stint on Fantasy Football when he made a link to some footage of traditional Jews involved in a ceremony whilst stating something to do with Tottenham fans. Hey, but he’s Jewish, so he’s allowed to be borderline when a cheap laugh is at stake. Click here for another cheap laugh.

Tottenham cite that it’s a small group of Jewish and non-Jewish fans that use the Y word and are inviting debate, but firmly sitting on the fence in terms of whether it’s right or wrong for this small group to be using it. Which is an understandable position rather than doing something drastic and knee-jerk and banning the word from the Lane altogether. Strange how its not something you could quite see happening. No pressure from club or association or anyone else to perhaps go down that path. Ambiguity strikes again.

The club understand the history that sits behind all the rhetoric and are therefore sensitive to all concerned. Fact is, if you read between the lines, we don't appear to have a problem with it. And making it disappear, to actually stop Spurs fans referring themselves as yids is nigh impossible. More chance of Chelsea attracting capacity crowds if they played in a lower division.

We have been here before. And I'm sure last time the club didn't feel there was an issue at hand with its own fans using it in the manner we've been doing so for generations (I think there was a survey at the time, anyone?). Which is why it's tolerated outside of the usual policing.

Like I said, I’m just sharing my own opinions. Jewish people that frequent the Lane that I’m friends with mostly if not all sing the Yid chants. And do so without cringing or seeming uncomfortable. Surely that’s a win in the fight against racism? A Jewish person calling himself a yid with a non-Jewish person standing next to him also calling himself a yid.

So we have Jewish fans that dislike the word, we have fans that are Jewish who have adopted it and we have non-Jewish fans that have used it with pride. In fact I’d wager that some don’t even think too deeply about its connotations because it’s very much synonymous with our hardcore support.

And if younger football fans are leaving the game and going to school on the Monday and using the word, what then? The complexities still exist, I'll admit to that.

So where do we go from here?

Is it okay for another rival fan and friend to refer to you as a ‘Yid’?  I guess it is because that’s what you might well refer to yourself as. But it’s not okay for him to make casual jokes about Jews or overstep the mark, right? So if we eradicate the word from the stands completely, so that’s no more Y word, does that mean all those pockets of minority racist fans will suddenly decide there’s no incitement from us for them to respond to and thus, no more hissing or crude Jewish references thrown our way?

Bit too late now, isn’t it?

If cctv was invented in the 50s perhaps, but after several decades a video written by a comedian and his brother is unlikely to change a thing. The very fact everyone is debating this topic once more is a positive with what with highlighting the disgusting chants and abuse that still remain in the game. But I can't help but think something is lost in translation and that perhaps after so many years of using the word as a badge of honour, we are suddenly going to be deemed as the perpetrators adding fuel to the fire. But only whilst the hype remains as a talking point.

This will all be forgotten about again soon enough. Just like last time. We'll continue to use the Y word and racism will continue to rear its ugly head. And Baddiel will go back to growing his unsightly beard. The sun will rise, the sun will set.

The fling is over, now for the rebound

I was sat in a pub in Gatley, Manchester watching the second leg of our quarter final against Real Madrid. Every ten minutes, I quietly whispered to my Mancunian mate, "If we score a goal in the next five minutes, we might just have enough time to make a comeback". I repeated this line up until the 91st minute before finally surrendering any possible hope of over-turning the mighty four nil first leg deficit. I wasn't drunk. Hardly drunk. I wouldn't even call it optimism or delusion. Just whimsical dreaming.

I sighed and applauded. It all ended anti-climatically in the end, the strength of the visitors (and the lack of lady luck) meaning there was no full blooded highly implausible and improbably attempt of a comeback that perhaps a single early goal would have given us. Instead a single howler of a goal for the visitors finally laid to rest one of the most enthralling début seasons the Champions League has ever seen. And as much as I'd have loved to see us up against those possession pests from Barcelona, it's not to be. Not this season.

Perhaps in the not so distant future we'll have grown in maturity further and improved our quality in certain positions to once more do battle with the very best Europe has to offer. Two games, five goals conceded but arguably only one great goal scored against us - the rest, poorly defended or errors. That's not bad going considering what happened in the Bernabeu and the fact that we lived with them in the return and applied plenty of effort with that telling cutting edge. We might have still been outclassed over the two sets of 90 minutes even if Crouch had not been sent off. We'll never know. And that's where the frustration festers. Madrid are hardly a shabby outfit themselves. Credit to them and Tottenham's future manager.

What?

It's been a grand old adventure. But it's been so much more than that. We've proved we can compete at the top. Not quite with the very best but we still reached the quarter-finals when all believed we'd only manage to finish third in our group. That deserves a smile or two. Along with the good this campaign has done for our stature and name. The impact of Gareth Bale. The memories of being 3-0 down in the qualifiers, the San Siro, the 3-1 Inter win, the San Siro again. The goals scored 'for' during the group stages. The entertainment and refreshing attacking mindset of Harry and the players. It's been wonderful. Memories of standing in the away end at Upton Park in 2006, banished forever.

We've lived the dream, lost our cherry. But I don't want another adventure. I want sustained participation, at the very least, every other year if not every year. In fact I don't want it refereed to as an adventure again. Adventures are a once in a life-time occurrence in some far off fantasy world. We got into the CL because we deserved it and we got as far as we did because we deserved it. And the fact we even entertained the possibility of making it to the semi-finals (perhaps had we faced Chelsea) doesn't just speak to me, it sings.

Seasonal battles on the continent with this team continuing its progression forwards, building on the foundations we've set as a club these past two season that wants to be successful and wants to aim even higher. The culture of comfort is dead. It lived long enough. Too long. Onwards with the next chapter.

Long live the desire to dare and to do. And come on you Spurs.

One last swashbuckle, Tottenham?

I guess my predicament can be compared to Aron Ralston, pinned between a boulder and a canyon wall with no means of escape. Other than attempting to cut my arm off. Although the analogy doesn't quite stretch to limb-losing I do feel completely isolated and any attempts to survive appear to be futile.

Whilst White Hart Lane is rocking to the tune of five home goals, I'll be up North. I haven't even got time to craft another chest thumping battle cry. Although it's hardly the occasion for one. We're 4-0 down. The odds on over turning it are what...astronomical, right? I have joked about how if we score in the opening five minutes, we'll win 4-0 in normal time, 5-0 aet. I'm the king of comedy me.

Pragmatically, the visit of Real Madrid should be one that the home faithful lap up and sing their hearts out as a final swan song, a heartfelt thank you to the team for this wonderfully entertaining adventure. And if we could perhaps beat them by the odd goal, it would go some way towards ending the campaign with another great memory, be it one with less gloss than the prior ones. What with Jose having one eye already on Pep.

The special one might 'rest' yellow carded players, park the bus, soak up the pressure to counter and kill the game early (and oh boy would an early Madrid goal sucketh). Can't control what they do. Down to us to set the tempo. No pressure, no tension. That should relax both players and fans. And what with 4th spot once more the priority, our minds should be on the next game. Although this being Spurs, we're unlikely to rest any of our players and will probably go gung-ho, dreaming of miracles. And let's be honest, we have no other choice than to do just that. You know I'm right. Playing the game like a friendly? Bill Nick would not approve.

I'll be getting smashed in the hotel bar, no doubt, slurring and allowing complete freedom of my fingers to dance away as I hold up both arms, hands reaching out to touch the impossible dream. Interspersed with more drink and the odd flashback of Bale's hattrick, the 3-1 home win against Inter, Milan at the San Siro.

One last swashbuckle, Tottenham? Until next season, of course.

Wouldn't want it any other way.

So hallelujah to you and the boys in Lilywhite. The tie might have ended away in Spain but glory doesn't have to be constrained by technicalities.

Come on you Spurs.

Seven games left, three points 'adrift'

Spurs 3 Stoke 2

That wasn’t too shabby, was it? Finally rediscovering a little bit of that confident Spurs swashbuckle and swagger. Refreshing. Probably go as far as saying that minus the defensive lapses of concentration, it was an assured 'dominant' first half. Sure, we didn’t steam-roll them or stamp down our authority with brutality. We let them back in a couple of times (dominant with flaws). But we did turn up, turn it on and turn them over in good olde (the proper good) Tottenham fashion. Effortless in some ways, as a unit and individually, just easing into a rhythm without those pesky complications that had previously seen us in the midst of a goal drought.

Movement, busy buzzy players and an urgency to attack. I liked it.

Okay, so the lapses were wholly unnecessary (be it two good Stoke goals – but both birthed in errors from possession we lost). But even that was still a good test of our resolve. Didn’t buckle. Probably let them have too much of the ball in the second half, but overall – exactly what was required was achieved.

Goals for. A win. Three points.

Huddlestone and Kaboul back in the side, van der Vaart playing a full ninety minutes (and working hard be it without glamour) and Peter Crouch with some redemption for his red mist in Madrid with two smart goals and a tongue in cheek **** off to the crowd, caught on camera, but alas it’s not quite a Wayne Rooney incident offering out the public.

Not the same thing is it? Although the camera has nothing to do with it, what with Wazza being charged for swearing with no mention of said camera. Perhaps Peter was too far away from the camera and wasn't directing it at the camera. Then again, as mentioned, the camera has nothing to do with the charge against Rooney. Even though Rooney had his face in it. I guess the FA don’t really grasp the concept of consistency and knee-jerk to the parasitic lust of the media and this country and its culture of hate. Even though Rooney is angry and dislikeable. If he got charged for swearing then surely every game would result in...hold up a second.

Pause.

Okay, so, I won’t get side tracked and go off on a tangent. Back on topic then...

Home support reaction to Crouchie, overwhelmingly heartfelt. I guess blog comment and message board disdain does not translate too good out in the real world. Although Corluka was forced to respond to one fan, calling him an idiot for complaining rather than being supportive of the team. Alan Hutton obviously with too much time on his hands at the minute.

Special mention to another maligned forward (do we have anything else at Spurs?) Roman Pavlyuchenko. Linked up superbly well with the midfield leading the front-line and assisting twice. His disallowed goal should have stood. Looks sharp. Hopefully he can bag one on Wednesday.

Luka was again full of silks and style. Really, no nomination for PFA player of the year? Scandalous. Perhaps it’s because of his tally of two league goals that he’s been overlooked. I don’t know. Don’t actually care too much as long as he continues to drive us in the right direction. Up. By a minimum of one spot. Excellent goal and looks even more comfortable and free to roam with big Tommy by his side. Having Hudd back for the run in might just prove to be imperative to our chances of unlocking one or two of the tougher teams we’ve got to face in our attempt for a second successive CL.

A sumptuous passer of the ball is big Tom. The manner in which he caresses it...Mmmmm. Playing a disguised pass is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You undress the space ahead of you, proceed to move hips hypnotically and then push forwards with sublime penetration releasing it as quickly as you can blink. Oh yes. Just like making love.

Bale, quiet by the standard we expect him to play at, but then when you’re doubled up on all the time it’s not going to be an over-night transition to work out how best to escape the unwanted attention. Patient, learning curve...don’t care about all the ‘he doesn’t do it in the Prem, does it’ sound-bites. He played well considering (ignoring mistake) and having players chase him means there’s always room for other players to run into open space because of it.

Regarding that mistake (that led to Jones cracking goal), Kaboul partly responsible for the initial pass to Bale. But how great is it to have the big lad back? Power at the back to go alongside cool. BAE and Corluka also played well. Dawson commanding and Gomes hardly at fault for the two conceded.

Credit to Harry? Or did he just wing it again?

Overall – happy days. Good solid performance, dealt with the pockets of pressure. Probably should have got a fourth. Didn't, but held on even with the quintessential 'final 10 minutes' of hearts in mouths.

Unfortunately we are at that stage where we do have to look at others to do us favours. Hopefully Liverpool can do just that against City.

It's fair to say, we've got a monumental task ahead of us if you dare to look at the fixture list.

Seven games left, three points adrift. Mathmatically, it's not exactly end of days just yet. So I suggest you superglue your hat on.

Is this another one of those 'must win' games?

All games are must win. Although our lot appear to have forgotten how to go about winning. For starters, we're not going to pick up three points unless we score.

This match preview wont be winning any awards, I'm completely snowed under today and for all the analytical, tactical and selectional discussions that can be had - well, they've all been had already. Countless times throughout the course of the season in fact, as we await for our team to swagger and find it's elusive groove. Handful of games left now. Leaving it a tad late. Again.

We've kept in touch. Everyone's kept in touch at the top, writing polite letters of apology to each other with nobody wanting to use the pen for a Dear John and cut them off completley and run away leaving them dejected and alone. But we're at that point now where all relationships are strained and rather than pretend it's all just dandy, rather than perhaps behind closed doors wipe tears away and shake heads - this is the point where we either stand up or just shut up. Once and for all.

So Spurs, Harry and the players. Get a grip of yourselves and breath life back into this comatose motionless body. I want to see some booty shaking.

We want our Tottenham back. For 90 minutes. So don't be shy. Show us what you're made of. Otherwise, night night. And go back to dreaming.

Tottenham is burning

Dear Mr Levy,

As you gleefully play your lyre, singing arias whilst watching the death and destruction as Tottenham Hotspur burns to the ground as you look down from the comfort of your own personal Maecenas...ask yourself, when the fire is extinguished...who shall you blame? Who will take responsibility for this calamity? From the ashes, will you build on the devastated land a palace for your ego and eunuchs? Will you blame us, the common man, citing Stratford as a catalyst?

Or will you be overthrown?

What’s that? It’s too late? This is fidelity? It sure is. Faithfulness to your own beliefs to the bitter end.

I can only hope Chirpy is caught in the fire too. I think he’s best served up on a plate with a dab of jerk seasoning and Piri Piri sauce. You see, much like my feathered friend, I have a permanent expression of comedic shock on my face. Is this really happening? Are you truly sitting back in your throne eating grapes and watching this despondency and dismay play out before your eyes?

Why do you not listen to the people and their cries for help? Even your soldiers show discontent with their general. But that’s the crux of it isn’t it? You appointed the general yourself having removed your second in command. No more director of football. A wheeler dealer in his place. But we’re not fooled, then and now. We never wanted him in the first place. Any half decent coach would have kick-started our season when we sat bottom of the table. And now, two seasons later, we look set to return to the mediocrity that almost engulfed us. We are stagnating. Sideways stepping when it’s abundantly clear we should be 10, 12 points better off.

When you look for your scapegoat and make an example out of him be sure to remember that the blame should be shared between the both of you.

You for sticking with him and him for making nothing stick.

Where would you like me to start? How about I just throw one or two statements of facts your way and see how much of it you manage to catch? You may need to place your lyre down for a moment.

Two transfer windows and not an inkling of a world class forward. Instead, we’re left rotating the three stooges whilst we try to accommodate a midfielder who is best played centrally but is instead used in the hole in a tragically flawed 4411 formation that rarely proves to be fruitful. If we had two proper forwards signed in the summer along with a fully-fledged right back, a central defender to cover expertly when Gallas and Dawson are not available and in addition a new goalkeeper and better quality cover for Bale on the wing – we’d be challenging for the title. Instead we are struggling to remain in 5^th spot whilst being humiliated in Europe because we have no tactical astuteness to go to Madrid and get a decent result whilst multi-tasking the domestic games.

Don’t give me all this propaganda about the red card and Lennon’s illness. We should have reshaped comfortably and contained Madrid with the odd counter thrown in for good measure. I reckon a 2-1 loss, possibly even 2-2 was more than achievable. If José Mourinho was our manager do you honestly believe we’d have lost 4-0? Do you? Of course not. Harry proving he can’t hack it at the highest level, completely at fault for our surrender and capitulation. Perfect for England.

Let’s go back to the summer again and the New Year. The failure to sign a forward. We get offered a midfielder, rejected from his club, and we lap it up because how can a donkey possibly deny itself from taking a bite out of the dangling carrot? Everybody knows that if van der Vaart had not been signed we’d have been forced to play a traditional 442 system and Defoe, Crouch and Pav would have scored a bundle domestically and in Europe.

Then again, probably not. Neither of them are world class and last season’s fourth spot finish was nothing more than good fortune rather than managerial shrewdness. Because our manager, mugged in Madrid (a second time), doesn’t have the knowhow on how to beat the big teams and inspire the side when the going gets tough. It’s all sound bites with him isn’t it? We’re under achieving and he’s still trying to enforce a down to bare bones mantra to hide the truth and his deficiencies.

In the New Year we should have signed Carroll. He's have been fit and able round about now to make it for the push. £35M well spent rather than sitting in your bank account earning interest.

The form of some of our players has been down to luck and aided by circumstance and nothing to do with his man-management. Bale was always going to come good. Modric was always best suited for the middle of the park. BAE was always a decent left-back. It's more than obvious. The team picks itself unless the team picked loses meaning a different team should have been picked in its place to start with although if tactical changes are made they should only be referenced if they don’t work and ignored if they do work. But mostly they don’t. Which is why we’re 5^th with a handful of games to go and about to be (already) knocked-out of the CL in the quarter-finals.

We got rid of dos Santos and Taarabt – two players destroying their respective leagues with their new clubs, be it the former on loan the latter sold. We could have done with dos Santos mental strength and Taarabts composure. It's painful, the schoolboy errors witnessed. Painful.

We’re always playing our Plan B which means Plan B is in fact Plan A which points to the fact that if Plan B is Plan A then what is Plan B if Plan B is A and Plan A is actually Plan B masquerading as Plan A? With better players we’d be in are far better position than we find ourselves in.

We’ve done ourselves no favours with our European adventure which has simply papered over the cracks. What’s the point in progressing in the Champions League when we’re meant to be competing for a top four finish so we can qualify for it the following season? It’s all about the qualification, not the taking part. We’re never going to win it so why bother trying? It’s an absolute mess. And it pains me to witness my beloved club falling apart at the seams with bickering and in-fighting, dressing room afloat, lost in a sea of despair. What with squad trimming immediate, I expect us to lose Bale, Modric and van der Vaart in the immediate summer months – but we won’t fret as the profit will go towards signing that elusive world class striker leaving us with no midfield to create chances for him.

Disaster. Everywhere I look. Disaster.

You wanted back to basics? You got back to basics. This is football 101 and our ploy of ‘running around and kicking the ball a lot’ has finally collapsed in on itself.

The end is nigh. The fire started with a single match lit by your hands, Daniel, with further fuel added to the flames by Harry. It’s criminal that we’ve failed to compete with consistency and cohesiveness. We find ourselves in this position solely because of your mismanagement of the transfer windows and Harry’s player favouritism and abandoned first teams dumped out on loan. At least under Comolli we had direction, drive. All we have now is a manager winging it with battered feathers taking to the air for as long as a penguin can jump above ground.

Still playing your lyre, Emperor Levy? Your arrogance and self-preservation has once more destroyed all hope in N17. The blind leading the blind, you allow your general to march us into an untenable position and yet more failure. A battle that simply cannot be won. The dream is over. It's hart no longer white, but burnt black from the fire.

Play your lyre, watch us burn away. Watch us all burn away.

Yours tragically,

Spooky

Twitter rant

Twitter multi-tweet rant from me early this morning after reading yet another article about 'racist' Spurs fans and that song about Adebayor.

So, let me get this straight

Kick it Out wait until the player has left England and for said player to then be placed in position where stupid song can be sang at him

Then for said player to complain about it (well within his rights I should add)

And this is then an invite for Kick it Out to comment on it and urge the player to take further action

How about when Spurs and Arsenal fans sang this song at him whilst he played in England? Did ya not hear it then?

Are you not proactive?

How about the clubs?

You want something done, then be seen to do something about it rather than throw around weighty soundbites in the press

I'm waiting for Sol Campbell to come out in support for the player and confirm we're all racist scum

Because, that's why we hate Sol Campbell and abuse him when he plays against us. It's because he's black

It's not because he's a liar and scum

Thanks for listening

There's no room for racism, any form of it, in society let alone football

But ******* hell, there are far more serious things happening that probably need that bit more attention than the crap sang by a minority

I suggest crime watch get some mugshots up like last time. really drive the message across

@Spooky23 What's your opinion of the abuse Rooney was getting at West Ham?

@robawhite see this is the problem. abuse in general. fine line, what is deemed as banter and what is borderline and what is a no-go?

fans singing songs about Cisse's head looking like a pint of Guinness - racist or funny?

number of years ago, we played Nottm Forest in the cup, WHL

think we drew, then replayed at their ground

at the lane, was right next to away supporters in the park lane and i could visible lip read some of their fans calling us 'f****** jews'

at their ground, in the coach (got pelted by stones) I witnessed kids/teenagers mimicking apes, directed at us...beats me why

although I can assume what they were trying to get at

these are problems not with football, but because of the sheer amount of people at a game and the numbers that might echo the same...

...sentiments, we (the royal we) think we can get away with certain things. and certain things we can. just about

which is why the Ade song is sang. which is why some sang the distasteful Judas song. in the street you'd not get away with that

which is why the Ade song is sang. which is why some sang the distasteful Judas song. in the street you'd not get away with that

@Spooky23 Do you not agree most (if not all) of the players who get abuse invite that stuff. Barton, Savage, Sol, Rooney, Maradona, Adebayor

@robawhite now that's the crux of it in terms of tradition, banter. some chants are not nice, but we'll hardly going to say something nice

@robawhite the players you mentioned, they 'deserve' attention. they get paid enough to stand strong. they probably dont give a toss

they probably even like it to come extent. unless of course they have an agenda (yes, Judas, I'm talking about you)

Ade seems honest enough off the pitch, if he wants to make a deal out of it, fair enough

Rooney deserves abuse, if that makes sense. chin up. get the f*** on with it you miserable millionaire you

we all know, hand on heart when something is genuinely racist because it offends us to the bone even if its not directed at us

we also know when something is touching on cultural differences and therefore borderline or skipping towards allowing for more serious abuse

to become acceptable by those singing the borderline stuff

The Ade song is nothing compared to listening to chelsea fans, teenagers, singing songs about killing jews

In frigging Putney when I worked there, on a Friday evening ffs

do we have racist fans? yeah, doesn't every club?

do we have idiot fans? yes

in the bogs in the park lane I've heard one idiot sing a song about Matthew Harding, he got not a single response from it. i smiled inside

we can make it very complex in terms of what is and isn't acceptable. but it's obvious what is and isn't. some things will get highlighted

..more than others. Liverpool/Utd have plenty of songs sang in each others direction etc etc

Anyways, in conclusion, can we just move on and perhaps think of songs for players that don't have songs

rather than sing songs about players who constantly dick us in games

Also, just as a footnote, Chelsea FC do quite a bit in removing their own fans from the stands re: racism

Perhaps some of their minority fans who still hold onto yesteryear should look towards the club owner for an epiphany