Berbatov

So Dimi, was going on strike at Spurs really worth it? So you've got the odd medal and an animated gif or two of some tasty skills. But where's yo swagger at playa? The grass was was never greener than it was in that first season at Spurs. But then we all know that first season was simply your audition for the move to Old Trafford. Can't blame anyone for chasing a dream. But some dreams are nothing more than awakenings.

In other news, Hazard is due to announce the club of choice post-match this evening live on tv (in France). The assumption is it's Utd rather than City. I'm opting for the nWo after he hits both representatives with a chair and leaves the ring with two hot ladies either side of him.

The Berbatov Hypothetical

Would you?

Some would say it's a little bit like taking back an ex-girlfriend who was cheating on you for a year before she finally walked out. Having completely fallen out of love with her, you let her walk.

The first reflex surrounding this suggested transfer (based on the fact that even though Berbatov has scored plenty of goals this season, he's benched more often than not for key games and went AWOL before yesterday's CL final) concerns the fact that Manchester United might want a little something in return. Guess it depends if they come knocking on our door, offering the Bulgarian as part of a player + cash deal for our little but big time Croatian.

Still on the hypothetical, I would hope Levy scans his private area and faxes it across to Ferguson with love and kisses. If we go knocking on their door (not implausible as seen by the Robbie Keane debacle) it will have to be a strictly 'no player swap' strategy.

There is hardly an argument concerning the players quality, say in comparison to what we need and who we've been linked with. He's better than anything we have. Can he play up front on his own with van der Vaart just behind him? Probably, quite easily. His working relationship with Keane is not too dissimilar in terms of vdV being a player who attacks the penalty area and looks to get on the end of it.

Teddy returned to us from Utd. But Dimi is no Teddy.

He sulked his way out of our club, striking his way to Old Trafford and igniting the beginning of the end for Martin Jol. Not sure too many of our players would be fussed to see him return, regardless of the alleged affect it all had on team morale at the time. All players by their self preservational nature are disloyal. Part and parcel of looking after ones own priorities.

Interestingly, there have always been whispers of this potential deal simply based on the fact he played for us in the past, we are searching for a striker and the relationship between player and manager has been one of an erratic and strained nature. All based on what we see on television and Utd's selection. No 'in the know' has suggested this, but probably will after yesterday so expect plenty of 'we're in talks' snippets to start appearing all over the place shortly.

So would you? Would it still taste as good?

Berba - What does he do exactly?

Some NLD pre-match blogging on the way later today, but first for something off topic but still sort of related in that it's all about an ex-Tottenham player who moved onto bigger and greater things. Yes, it's true. The squirrels up in Manchester are better than the ones down south.

Dimi Berbatov. What does he do exactly? Well according to this article here over at The Republik of Mancunia - a lot. Far more this season than he has achieved in his prior ones - including the two years spent oozing swagger in Lilywhite. Sure, he looks as gloomy as ever, never smiling, dodgy unsexy haircut, and always apologetic in gestures. And there's no doubt that Fergie has not attempt to build the team around him, preferring instead to use the £30M man when required rather than use him as a Ronaldoesque talisman in every game, no matter the opponent.

So, do stats lie?

RoM concludes:

The number of goals Berbatov has scored and created this season is of a higher rate than any of his four years in England, higher than both Carlos Tevez’s years at United as well as Alan Smith’s first year at United (and only year he played as an out and out striker).

Berbatov has scored/assisted almost a quarter of a goals this season, despite not playing anywhere near as much, and scored/assisted over a quarter of our goals last season when competing with the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Tevez.

Tricky one. I agree he's undervalued by most United fans I know and Spurs fans tend to believe he is wasted at Old Trafford simply because he is not deemed good enough to be the main man in a team of classy work-horses, which at Spurs he was (main man, not a workhorse) - as he was the catalyst of creation up front for us. Until his sulks won the day for his escape on the last day of the transfer window to CL football and titles.

The linked article does state an obvious reason, a reason why many fans turn on players quickly. Why there is patience lacking. The transfer fee. Darren Bent, David Bentley - both suffered because of it. Berbatov, it seems is creating and scoring. Okay, perhaps not scoring epic magical goals, but he's not exactly a dud either. And yet even though he's perhaps far better than what most would suggest, his body language and his lack of freedom to dictate his own tempo up front can suggest something is being lost in translation. He's playing fine, but perhaps not fine enough to warrant the money and effort spent to pull him out of Spurs and sign him for Utd.

Berba at Spurs, on fire, was/is a completely different kettle of fish than the one at United. But he appears to be more productive in red than white. Or perhaps not.

I guess it's all down to personal perspective in the end.

Cheeky bid?

Berbatov

Would you take him back? Discussed at length here. He looks to be another player who's head isn't quite right at the moment. Was meant to be the next Cantona at United. At least that's how some billed him. Instead, he is the epitome of apologeticist football (I've copyrighted that one). Seems to have lost the swagger. Still shows signs of quality, yet it's all very much understated. Sometimes, these types of players should be give the freedom of expression rather than instructed to play with a different type of work ethic. Which is why he was probably better off at Spurs. Perhaps because he's been forced into 'defending' and working for the team on a completely different level to how it played out at the Lane where he was king-pin.

The smile in this photograph is a representation of a smile created in photoshop for creative effect

Utd did sell Veron within a couple of seasons having signed him for a small fortune. Doubt very much we'd ever be interested in bringing him back, but it makes for good banter/opinion.

Considering we have Modric and Niko and Lennon, adding another forward in the mould of a Berbatov would have us pushing forwards faster than a locomotive been shagged from behind by a Euro-Star.

Obviously, there's endless connotations here. Would Berba awaken a comatose Keane? Would he be able to work with Defoe? Who knows. We won't be finding out. He made his choice. Not looking the right one at the moment. Unless his understated performances masks his overall work rate and assists.

I do miss the old Berba.

The casual guide to feeding squirrels by Dimitar Berbatov

The smile in this photograph is a representation of a smile created in photoshop for creative effect

Hello, my name is Dimitar Berbatov. And this is my guide to feeding squirrels.

I am a Manchester United superstar. I am on the bench for most games to avoid injury and exhaustion so I am always 100% ready to change a game when required and coming off the bench to display my £30M worth of sublime qualities.

You need to be elegant on the pitch and to do so you must be equally elegant off it. It's unlikely you will master life and football to the standards I do, but there is no harm in embracing my squirrel-football ethos. You will be better than the average you are now by taking a step towards understanding my ways.

Remain cool at all times

To be in a good frame of mind, mentally, you must be calm and controlled. I am a private person who has no need to celebrate with cartwheels or aeroplanes. I simply want to play football, nothing more nothing less. When I score, inside, I am a fountain of joy. I do not need to smile or hug to prove this. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it simply means I don’t care if you think I don’t care.

But I care very much like when I ask for something in hospitality when travelling with the team to an away game and the hospitality girl gets it wrong. It must be perfection or it is nothing, you understand? If I want my tea strong then it must be strong, so make it strong. I did not ask for milky tea. If I want milky tea I will say, please make sure you put plenty of milk in my tea, and then I will have milky tea but when I say strong then it means I do not want a f*cking milkshake... исус христос... what is wrong with some people! Do not make mistakes. You have one chance to get it right, so get it right. It is either perfect or it is unacceptable.

I am upset now. One moment please.

Ok. Let’s continue.

Field of play

I am someone with plenty of time on my hands. On the pitch and off it. I am the master of my own time. When playing I am like Neo from the Matrix. I do what I want and go where I want. I do not need to run around like a lunatic. I know where the ball will be before it arrives so I make sure I’m there waiting for it. That’s how good I am. This allows me time to make sure my hair brace is not out of place and my sleeve-gloves have all my fingers through them. Why run when you can walk and still get to where you want to be? Everyone is in such a hurry. Rush rush rush all the time. I tell that Carlos, slow down, you will have a heart attack if you don’t try to relax a little. But he never listens. And now, it looks like he will be running out of Manchester. He's like Forrest Gump, he never stops running, the fool.

The football pitch must be treated with respect. Like your garden. Do you run around your garden like a mad man? Of course not. It is a place of tranquillity. A place where you go to think. To philosophise. Much like the football pitch.

I prefer the peace and quiet and not the bright lights, night clubs and paparazzi. This is not me. If you have a garden maybe outside of the city or in the countryside this is a good thing. To be secluded and alone is good because it means you are your own priority. You are number one. Me. Dimitar Berbatov.

Theatre of Dreams

I like the squirrels. They are wonderful. I like to watch them eat and play in the garden. It is soothing for me. I understand them because they are very much like me. They know what they want. They go for it. They don’t bother anyone else and they are content, never having to smile to prove it.

When I play football I think of the squirrels. If you make a lot of noise and run around you will scare the squirrels away. You must be cunning like them. A little sly and subtle. If you feed the squirrels they will be happy, if you feed me the ball, I will be happy.

If you want to be like me you must first buy a bird table. I have some in my garden. I have ten. Hire someone else to install them. I am Dimitar Berbatov. I do not have time for work.

If you live in the city or a flat you can feed them from a balcony but this is not perfect. I did this when I lived in London. But a garden is best. It is bigger and better than a London flat which for me is too claustrophobic and small. If you are ambitious and want to feed more than just a couple of city squirrels, you must be strong and do everything in your power to move on and claim your dream for a bigger garden.

Remember to keep the bird tables high up so cats or dogs do not get the opportunity to kill the squirrels. The higher the better. You must avoid having the squirrels walk across your lawn to get to the bird tables because cats can hide and attack. The sonsofbitches, are always ready to attack. You drop your nuts on the lawn and they are ready to pounce, no mercy. They will tear you apart because of one mistake.

The squirrels...the squirrels...they will tear the squirrels apart. Do not drop your nuts.

Once you have your bird tables ready with food, the squirrels will congregate to be social and eat. But you must be careful to feed them the right type of food.

Healthy Diet

Peanuts and sunflower seeds should be placed on the tables as these are the most popular with the squirrels. But it is best to try many different foods if you want them coming back for more. Hazel nuts and sometimes for a special treat a walnut. The more you feed them something extra special the more squirrels you will find come to visit.

Fruit is also good. Apple, pear or plums is very delicious for them. Remember you must slice the fruit. The red squirrels will love this and they will love you. You need to mix it up, be creative. Like the way I beat James Collins to assist Ronaldo for his second goal at Old Trafford. You know, what I’m talking about. The magnificent turn and deft touch of the ball. There I am, there's the ball, there is Collins and....oops, where have I gone, I'm over here James, the ball is with me and you are still over there kicking air and then I give the ball to the feet of Cris and it is a goal. 2-0. I smile a little, but no white teeth.

I was able to achieve this skill because in my mind I was projecting the motion of feeding a nut to a hungry squirrel. A graceful movement, one that glides without impatience or forcefulness. At that moment I left Collins behind I transcended between Old Trafford and my garden, feeding a squirrel and Ronaldo.

Do not feed

Finally, it is very important that you do not feed them wheat, dried maize or peas. This is like playing in a team with Zokora, Jenas and Bent. Do you want your squirrels to choke? Of course not, so do not feed them shit.

And finally you must remember grey squirrels are scum. They carry sickness and can infect red squirrels which will kill them. You must remove all food from your garden until the grey squirrels are hunted down and destroyed by the wild life authorities. Or perhaps you successfully capture them all yourself and have them eliminated then stuffed and placed in your trophy cabinet. Either way is fine.

And that is my guide to feeding squirrels and if you follow my guide by doing so you will be richer in life, both professionally and privately. You will find a parallel between your most quiet moments off the pitch and your most quiet moments on the pitch allowing you to control your destiny with casual ease. Thank you.

By guest-blogger Dimitar Berbatov.

The aftermath of the Berbatov Saga

If you missed the introductory first part, you can read it here.

Tapestry Part II

The Aftermath of the Berbatov Saga

Dear Mr Levy,

When people throw superlatives around concerning our bank balance, the re-development of the proposed new stadium and the consistent supply of top quality club DVD releases, I always respond in the same composed manner. I laugh, slap the naïve fool in the face, and state two words: Dimitar Berbatov.

Yes, yes. Old news. Been here before. Blah blah. But this serves a purpose as a stern reminder that there is simply no excuse for a repeat showing this summer.

The Bulgarian was the catalyst in the downfall of Martin Jol and in no uncertain terms the protagonist that helped aid your misguided stand against Ferguson and Manchester United which proved to be several nails in the coffin of Juande Ramos. Berbatov was a year into his 'I want to leave and join Man Utd' sulk, and rather than just sell him the second the season ended, you built a moat around White Hart Lane to warn off attacks that was about an inch deep. There was simply no defence in place for the prolonged attack that followed, which was more cold war than in the trenches. All Ferguson did was wait until the final day of the window, when you inexplicably accepted a transfer bid from Manchester City which was Berbatov's passport to fly up to Old Trafford. Which he did. Illegally or not, the player agreed terms with United. You know this. We all know this. Which meant that you either had to reject Utd's bid to spite Utd and Berbatov - and then deal with the consequences of a player that doesn't want to be at the club or you accepted it but only if they topped it up by an extra few million quid.

So in the end, we sold him to the team that had spent an age tapping him up, even though arguably, he had already made up his mind a season into his Spurs contract that he wanted to leave, sacked Martin Jol, put up with Berbatov's continued sulks/strikes/mood swings, then sell him to Utd in a last gasp deal in the final moments before the window closed. And for what exactly? £5M more than United wanted to pay?

Then followed your assault on the injustice of it all, with a threat here and a PR letter there. Placing aside your fit of rage over how things concluded, you topped it off by agreeing the signing of Frazier Campbell on loan. So, we lose our talisman. We don’t quite replace him. And then we get a youth player in as a replacement from the club that have just taken away the only world class player we had (at the time).

That's a little bit like finding out your supermodel girlfriend doesn't love you anymore, you then get dumped after a long bout of pretence that she won't leave as you fool yourself into believing you can make her stay even though she's made you look like a complete dick, and when she does finally leave her new boyfriend hands you a copy of Razzle and tells you, "You're be just fine with this mate".

Ferguson, mugged us off. And what did we do with the money? We re-signed Robbie Keane in the Jan window. Because there was no time left to replace the departing Bulgarian in the summer one. Prior to all this, we paid £14M for Roman Pavlyuchenko but wouldn't pay Zenit the £20M they wanted for Arshavin. Both having already played the best part of the Russian league season and the European Championships in the summer - there were obvious questions about what type of impact they would have. The Arshavin deal never went through, and thank God, because he looks really really uncomfortable out of position on the left for Arsenal. And as for Pav? He's scored a few, but he doesn't have the look of a world class player. It's like we've signed the Russian Bobby Zamora who keeps trying to re-enact the video to Radioheads Just. GET UP FROM THE FLOOR AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF FFS!

So, we end up with a strike-force of Bent, Pav and Campbell. We sign Bentley who is meant to supply the crosses for a target man, except we don't actually have anyone capable of fulfilling that role. And Bentley inexplicably forgets how to take a set-piece which renders him completely redundant unless confronted with a skip. Then in the January window we re-sign Defoe (Keane to follow) and have two players that have never quite worked playing up front together.

In the aftermath of the Berbatov saga, we are left weakened and desperate. Regardless of the self-inflicted implosion by Ramos regarding tactics and selection, we had three strikers that sort of came together by accident and ironically all three could well be departing this summer. Campbell back to Utd. Bent will be sold at a loss and how we plan to reclaim any of the £14M spent on Roman is going to be a hoot to watch.

Add to the mix David Bentley who hasn’t started a game for months, who seems to be superglued to the bench and has been cited by Harry as not really fitting into his team selection. Mark Hughes, got any spare change, guv? Anyone would think that if he played a certain amount of games we'd have to pay Blackburn more money. If Harry doesn’t fancy him, and he's sold on, then that's another transfer loss deficit. We've already re-signed Chimbonda that is arguably akin to taking out the rubbish and then bringing it back in again. It's fucking pointless. Leave it outside for Gods sake! It's where it belongs.

Daniel, we simply need to be spot on this summer. There is no Comolli. I'm sure there's still a scouting system in place. We all know Harry likes his random players with unpronounceable names, but he does strike gold more often than not. Bringing Defoe back was inspired, if obvious, and actually ridiculous all things considered. But it will work. Keane coming back was embarrassing for all concerned - him, Liverpool and us. He's tainted at the moment but will no doubt reclaim some of that intensity. Even his hand waving complaints seem limp wristed.

We need to reclaim some composure. More players like Wilson Palacios are required. Players that improve the side with immediate impact. No more soap opera dramatics and enforced donations to the Tottenham Foundation. There is no room for complacency. No room for unwanted back page headlines. Let the likes of City dominate the exclusives as they chase £100M players, while we pluck out quality that goes towards building a team rather than a set of individuals. We need to be direct and avoid long boring played out in the public domain transfer tussles. Get in there, sign them up for a competitive price, and sit there with a smug grin on your face when they repay us on the pitch.

And please, let's not be talking about 'The aftermath of the Modric saga' this time next year.

 

To follow in Parts II and IV:

• David Bentley, Jenas and The Opus
• Harry Redknapp

Regards,

S

Berbatov: Worth a cheeky bid?

Something tells me Utd fans aren’t happy (praise from Reds fans over at Redcafe.net):

"Veron mark II. That is all"

"Lazy, unprofessional, infuriating"

"Didnt think he would bottle it to be honest. Too cool for his own good"

 "Hey, Howard! Don't cheat! You're not meant to move for the ball"

"Frustrating, I saw alot of determination from Rafael, Fabio, Gibson, Welbeck and Macheda and then Berbatov shows nothing"

"Can someone print his pass completion rate and his ground covered compared to other players. I'm sure another lesson in how great berbatov appears to be for us on paper would go a long distance to making us feel better about his pathetic contribution when we needed him today"

"Summed up everything about him in two seconds"

"Possibly the worst penalty I've ever seen"

"How can you take such a lazy, nonchalant penalty at a time of such importance"

"If Howard went the wrong way then he could have probably got up gone and collected the ball considering how crap the shot was"

"Wish we had never bought him"

£15M should do the trick then.

You can't blame a player for wanting to better himself by moving from a team stuck in the stasis of transition to one that wins silverware season in, season out. And more importantly, one that plays Champions League football - as a player with ambition would inherently lust for the centre stage of European football. But the fact is that not all players make that cross-over from being a key player at a smaller club and just another superstar at a bigger one.

We all know Dimitar well. We all know he has great vision and effortless ability. His swagger is sometimes deceptive and often mistaken for being lazy. At Spurs he was mostly sublime and it was almost forgivable when he was a little slow to get stuck in. At United he hasn't quite made the grade because the expectation from fans and manager alike is that every player - no matter their squad status - pulls the same amount of weight. I guess it's the reason why they are successful and we still struggle to be.

This isn't just about the penalty miss. It's his overall (lack of) effort that has made him the £30M bane of Old Trafford.

So was it worth it Dimi in the end? Your dream move? Maybe he's better suited for Serie A. Or maybe he'll suddenly come to life and lead Utd to a domestic league and Champions League double, and all the abuse will be replaced by 'Cantona Mk II' plaudits.

Guess there's nothing more to say here. Happy to have Modric in our side as the new creative spark of WHL, and as far as I know he doesn't have a squirrel fetish - so we can rest easy for now.

Things to get you through a weekend without Tottenham

Does the International break bore you?

England are playing this weekend. Am I the only person who finds it all a bit of a bore when there are no Tottenham games to go to or watch on TV? Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as the next fan...but only for qualifying games and tournaments (when we actually manage to get there).

Friendlies never get my juices flowing. If I can't shout, scream and generally have my emotions soar, dip and ripped apart then it's not really football. Something needs to be at risk. And I don't find pride is when its just a warm-up match. Even if it's in preparation for an important game (next Wednesday) against the Ukraine. Saturday's (against Slovakia) still a friendly. A glorified training session.

Yes I know, Aaron Lennon might play, and if he does well he might (just might) make an appearance next week. Although if you take a quick look at the Beckham feature article on the BBC site you'll note that he has every chance (Becks that is) of playing as Walcott and SWP are not in the squad.

Cough? Forgotten someone perhaps?

And with the debate about whether King should have or should not have been called up by Fabio dragging on and on (you honestly think 'arry isn't going to talk about it some more?), I can't help but look ahead to our next Prem game against Blackburn. Proper bread and butter football.

I don't have Setanta at home and the local pub that shows live games is usually full of West Ham fans who will no doubt be out in numbers carrying around replicas of the Jules Rimet and banging on about '66 and celebrating in the streets that they invented modern day football.

I'd rather avoid it all tbh. But will definitely make the effort for the Ukraine game. For sure.

So to get me through Saturday, I've devised a list of potential activities to help me avoid the overwhelming boredom that would otherwise consume me. Feel free to suggest your own.

1) Work out the points accumulated in the opening eight games under Ramos and then calculate the points accumulated by Harry Redknapp from the time of his appointment till the present day and based on Harry's points to games ratio, work out where we would be had he been manager at the start of the season. Then device a What If Premier League table that will have us within touching distance of a Champions League place and then work out whether we can claim 4th spot based on our remaining fixtures and who we would need to buy in the summer to help consolidate the challenge domestically and in Europe. Then post all my findings and analysis on a Tottenham message board and watch it grow to 100 pages in a day with around 3000 replies. Just for kicks.

2) Throw eggs at the home of the person who wears the current Chirpy mascot outfit at home games. WE DON'T LIKE YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I want the original Chirpy back. The one that doesn't look he's possessed by a demon with a smug Adam Sandler complex.

3) Watch my Sky+ recording of the Arsenal v Spurs 4-4, replaying the final 10 minutes several times to catch the various reactions of the Spurs players and the fans - specifically at the point before and after Lennon equalizes. Then using my TV capture card, create a montage video of the glorious evening with Tina Turners 'Simply the Best' as the soundtrack. Then upload to Facebook and Youtube and then update Twitter every 5 minutes, linking to the video, and posting inane hilarity about how busy the London Underground was this morning and what I had for lunch.

4) Begin legal proceedings to sue West Ham United. The other day I had what I can only assume was a very dodgy lasagna which blatantly gave me the runs and a chronic gut. This resulted in a Vietnamesque flashback in a packed shopping centre - ala Sgt. Elias - falling to my knees, hands aloft, screaming in agony at the returning realisation of how close we came to a dream qualification into the elite of European football. A dream destroyed by a Benayoun top corner finish.

As nobody was ever charged or held accountable for poisoning the Spurs team, and as West Ham were the opposition that day and inflicted the defeat on a side ravaged by ill health, they remain the only ones responsible for my emotional upheaval that resurfaced in such an undignified and public way.

I'm after a reasonable pay-out. Equivalent to what Spurs lost in Champions League revenue. That should cover the trauma and rehabilitation.

5) Walk up to random strangers and state '2 points, 8 games'. The message must be spread to the non-believers.

6) Go round my parents for lunch and refuse to sit down on the sofa. If my dad manages to talk me into sitting down because I'm making everyone feel uncomfortable, I will do so. Then wait until he walks away, then stand up and burst into song: 'Stand up if you love mums cooking, stand up......'.

7) Travel up to Manchester, sneak into Dimitar Berbatov's back garden and then use my state-of-the-art tranquilizer gun to shoot all the squirrels in the vicinity. Who you gonna feed now, Berba? Hey? Who you gonna feed now?

8) Watch my Sky+ recording of the Spurs v Chelsea 1-0. Then using my TV capture card, create a montage video of Modric and his performance, to the music of 'Diamond Lights'. In addition, morph highlights of Moddle into highlights of Hoddle, subtly suggesting that Modric is the new King of the Lane. Then upload to Facebook and Youtube and then update Twitter every 5 minutes to make sure people are fully aware that I'm 'online', either sat in front of a pc or texting updates via my mobile phone.

9) Search through all Bit Torrent sites and Newsgroups for a soft copy version of the Tottenham Hotspur Opus. Come on! Surely someone must have scanned this and uploaded it to the internet? You can find practically anything on-line. Whether it's DC or Marvel comics, books, novels, screenplays, about a million PDF's and random user-guides, every piece of software, music, pornography and movie you can possibly imagine......but no bleeding Opus? Further proof that nobody has actually bought a copy, because if let's say 10 people purchased one, at least one of them would have shared this with the www. It's 2009 ffs. People don't even bother buying Playboy anymore, they just wait for some else to scan and upload it. So I'm told.

10) Stand near the living room window, and pretend I've got Setanta by booing every few minutes. People walking past will assume Ashley Cole is playing shit. And this will bring much joy to the world.

Karma Karma Comollion

£170M spent in 3 years at the club whilst director of football. Instrumental in the sacking of Martin Jol and the appointment of Juande Ramos. Signed Younes Kaboul for £8M.

Damien Comolli, the quintessential director of football who apparently didn't realise how difficult it would be to break Spurs into the Top 4. An undiscovered tribesman in the depths of the Amazon would even know that dislodging the Cartel of Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal is a nigh impossible task for any club especially one that has never been a 'league' contender (two decent seasons at both ends of the 80's and that team from the 60's doesn't qualify as pedigree).

So, what has our dear departed friend been telling Sky Sports News?

Comolli on Berbatov

He stated what we knew already. Berbatov went on strike and was disruptive, affecting team moral. What Damien fails to answer is the underlying fact that Berbatov was itching for a Utd move after just one season at WHL. This has been well documented already and explains his (Berbatov) fall out with Jol. Fact is, everyone at Spurs knew he was going to go. Rather than just go out and sign someone or at the very least target a replacement months beforehand, we wait until the final seconds to hand him over to Utd. What Damien is suggesting is that Levy stuttered till the very last second.

I (in a moment of weakness) actually agreed with Levy's stance but his delivery wasn't clever at all. As a DoF what Comolli should have done is explain to Daniel 'I know nothing about football' Levy that the sooner we get rid of him the better. What part Ramos had to play in all this depends on what side of the bed he got out of as he has contradicted himself half a dozen times with his viewpoint on that particular saga. Telling us that Berbatov staying until the final day of the transfer window was a mistake is like watching your slice of bread burn in the toaster and then point at it and exclaim: Its burning! It's burnt!

Levy has stated that the reason there was a DoF was so that someone can take responsibility for the footballing matters. Levy's stance made it difficult for the Frenchman to do his job on this occasion. But what kind of club dithers in such a manner and thinks they'll get away with it?

Comolli on Zokora/Redknapp

This is a good one. Damien tells us that Pompey (and Harry) didn't rate and thus sign Zokora when he had a trial at the club and that now, Zokora is selected for practically every game under Harry at Spurs. It's a question of timing apparently. Whatever that is meant to mean. I guess he is trying to justify the signing and that its proving to be a good one. All it proves is that neither Comolli or Redknapp have a clue what they're doing when it comes to the midfield anti-general that is Didier.

Comolli on Nugent and Redknapp again

He has a go at Harry for signing a player for £6M and not playing him. Well Damien, how about signing several players for several million and having to play all of them because we don't have any f*cking decent players in the squad (you built) to come in and replace them?

Comolli on AC Milan

The DoF works well in Milan and has done for years. This is basically Comolli's pro-DoF argument. Comparing Spurs to Milan is ridiculous. We have not been run properly as a club from top to bottom with any type of style and cohesion for 30 or so years. I'm not referring to the money side of things. Add to the mix that England and the Premier League is not exactly a hotbed for DoF systems. Ask Fergie and Wenger to show you their trophy cabinet.

I don't have a clue how Comolli is getting on at his new club, St Etienne. We'll have to keep an eye out for the type of quality he signs and how they fair in the next couple of seasons. I'm sure he'll be keeping an eye out for us and how a traditional chairman-manager set-up works out for us.

I won't make any smart remarks until after the transfer window shuts.

Challenge Spurs™ - Nuts to you Berbatov

Challenge Spurs™

Game 09 v (H) Manchester United
0-0, draw
Total points: 19
Position: 15th

As far as 0-0 draws go, this wasn't too shabby a game.

Atmosphere was better than recent home games too (even if Utd were fairly quiet possibly due to their reduced allocation for their insistent standing at away games - which is ridiculous - let away fans stand, leave us with an ounce of joy at the very least as you seem hell bent to take everything else from us), thanks largely to the return of Dimitar Berbatov, who looked out of sorts.

Though arguably that best describes Man Utd's away form this season. Loads of classy touches and movement, but no cutting edge when it matters. We lost Woodgate to injury early on, which meant Corluka slotted into centre-back next to awesome Dawson (King failed a fitness test, which was no great surprise). Our midfield general under-achiever (see what I did there?), Zokora, went to right-back to handle Ronaldo.

Huddlestone, came on for Woody, and into centre midfield. This type of re-shuffle usually has me crying hysterically. But things turned out fine, even with the wishfully avoidable depletion. Utd had plenty of possession but efforts on goal were shared between both teams. Look, I suck at writing up match reviews and there's no point in going into any great analytical detail because you were either at the game, watched it on Match of the Day or read it about it in the papers (not that the latter is any good for unbiased reporting).

So here's some thoughts in no particular order:

Zokora was a revelation. He looks so much better at right-back than he does in midfield, probably because the responsibility of looking after that flank is a far easier concept to handle than attempting to boss the middle of the park. I'd say he kept Ronaldo pretty quiet, but it's a far easier job when the Portuguese winger only half turns up for games nowadays. Blatantly trying to make it easy for Fergie to sell him off come the summer. Petulant little c*nt kicked out (ala Beckham, World Cup) but as our refs don't follow anything to the letter, preferring to translate the rules as they see fit depending on how bad of a day they are having, didn't give so much as a yellow card for it. Not that Dawson complained or dropped like a sack of potatoes. Maybe he should of. Earlier today the FA said they would take no action as the ref said had he seen the incident he would not have sent off Ronaldo. How fucking gracious of him.

As for Daws, he played a blinder. And Corluka continues to impress with each passing game. The same can't be said about our Russian centre-forward, Pav. Struggled in a big way to find space, hold onto the ball, do anything. 4-5-1 does seem to work for us, but Pav isn't the type of player who's made for being up front on his own. When Bent came on, nothing much changed. Modric playing just behind the forward also needs some form of tweaking, or just patience till Luka starts scoring goals. If you have a midfielder playing as the more forward player other than the lone centre-forward, then you need him scoring goals too.

He had an ok day on Saturday, nothing special. One or two mis-placed balls, which was more down to a lack of understanding than anything else . If we still had Berbatov or a player of his ilk, we would be LOL'ing at the havoc we would create upfront. Modric wouldn't have to concern himself, he'd just play the ball into the space and the Berba-ilk player would instinctively run onto the ball to receive it, unlike his second level team-mates. Oh yes I know, if if if if. Whether 'arry brings in another forward is anyone's guess.

Whispers suggest Heskey or Crouch. No, that's Heskey or Crouch, where did I say Arshavin exactly? Heskey/Crouch would hold the ball up, which would mean the midfield (Luka included) could push forward further. Modric did have a couple of worthy efforts - flying through the air like a salmon (thanks to Michael McIntyre for the half-time comedy randomness) - but his header not finding the target. And all from a wonderful Zokora cross (it's the right-back position, its magic).

He also had a dipping shot that took an ever so slight deflection. For now, Bent and Pav is all we have (Campbell is injured and isn't - for obvious reasons - a long term answer) so if they don't play together, and we stick with the 4-5-1, then Harry has to work on how we can make it work. Pav, to be fair, looks knackered having played in the summer for Russia and also 5 months of a league season before joining us. His biggest contribution was for Utd, when he got in the way of a Huddlestone pile-driver.

One rumour from Russia was that Ramos had inquired about him for Madrid, on a loan deal. Doubtful. Lennon had a great run and shot at goal. Was pretty lively, but at times came up second best to Rafael (who looks like that kid from Heroes). Bentley again failed to impress, apart from a volley from nothing moment (easily dealt with, but hey, it looked greeeeeeeeat on tv) and a free-kick which could have sneaked in, but van der Sar was equal to it. Other than that, still playing from memory.

Ekotto? Impressive. Not perfect by a long shot, but does the job well enough. Quietly consistent at the moment.

Gomes was superb. When called upon, he saved well. Very well. No signs of the dodgy keeper from recent weeks. Great save from a free-kick late on. As for the returning Berbatov, I almost fainted when I saw him chasing down a ball and tracking back to defend corners. Amazing stuff. He had one great chance, but Dawson foiled him at the last second before he had the chance to pull the trigger.

Other than that, and the usual slick touches, he wasn't at his best. Only one downer was Woodgate's injury (original rumour was he had to see a specialist (having been rushed to hospital), but according to the latest reports he is fine but will miss a game or two at the most) and Jenas has torn his calf muscle and will be out for 'months'. I know, that's two. But I did say 'only one'.

Still unbeaten against Top 4 opposition this season. Shame we lost to Sunderland, Stoke and Hull. Newcastle up next. In-form Newcastle. Another away day trip to a place where we historically get nothing.

Expect plenty of goals.

Team News

Not sure why I keep thinking Ronaldo is unavailable for Saturday. He'll play regardless of the alleged injury. The mind-games have began in earnest with Fergie initially announcing that Berbatov and Carrick are doubtful and face late fitness tests, but then suggesting Berba will definitely be available. Shocker to know. Don't know why managers bother with all this 'he might be injured' sillyness.

We've done the same thing with doubts cast over Modric and (I think) Pav. And of course King. I'm really into my research at the minute.

As for Gareth Bale? One hopes he gets stuck in traffic.

Challenge Spurs™ - The Return of the Sulk

Challenge Spurs™

Game 09 v (H) Manchester United
Total points: 18
Position: 15th

Let's get straight to the point. Dimitar Berbatov is a class act on the pitch. He possesses sublime skill, touch and vision and can score goals of wonder and help craft chances out of nothing for his team-mates. World-class? Possibly. Very much (was) the nearest thing we've had to a world-class player at Spurs since Jurgen. Off the pitch, the impression he gives is of a simple man who simply wants to play football for the sake of football and not for money, much preferring the quiet life feeding squirrels in the garden than night-clubbing and pulling birds. The reality is a little different. Silent and moody and calculated. We all know what happened with his unwillingness to play two Spurs games, practically threatening to go on strike to help engineer a move to Manchester United.

For all of his elegance on the pitch, the man is a slime-ball off it. A childish spoilt brat of a sulk.

At his dream club, he hasn't exactly set the world on fire with his goal ratio. Much like Robbie Keane, when you leave your comfort zone, the adjustment period can take a while to set which means having to wait before reclaiming past form. Berbatov will be more than content where he is regardless. He is a first team regular. His return to White Hart Lane on Saturday is likely to result with him facing monumental abuse. Which he'll probably respond with by scoring a goal and setting up another. Carrick on the other hand will probably get applause.

I don't expect us to beat Manchester United. They rested most of their players on Wednesday night for their Champions League game. Chelsea have a home game against West Ham, so Utd simply cannot afford to slip up. And as for us, we've not been that great even with all our recent wins. Plucky and lucky against Liverpool, we've need the same type of game to get that type of result off Utd. But they have been a little out of sorts away from home this season so maybe, just maybe, a minor-miracle can occur. Historically, they don't against Fergies lot, so best to expect nothing from this one and be happy with a point if we get one.

No Rooney. No Evra. Apparently no Ronaldo. So we might see the eager to please Tevev start. We'll no doubt have Jenas and Zokora in the team. Zokora, currently rejuvenated and linked with a move to Real Madrid. I kid you not. That's the standard of journalism in this country at the minute. I'm sure you broke a rib laughing your arse off yesterday reading about how Ramos wants to sign Lennon and Bentley.

Riiiight. Bentley? The same player who quite obviously disliked Ramos and was indirectly/directly vocal about it? That Bentley? Unbelievable how a newspaper editor can validate such bullshit and be happy with it going to print. When you consider the players that Madrid do have and the spending power that posesses, Spurs players will be nowhere on the list of proposed targets. Arshavin, the player we wouldn't pay the extra few million for, is also linked to Madrid (although that was more of the usual pre-game mind-games Madrid plays with Zenit). But worth noting that had we not spunked £16M on Bentley, we would have got the Russian playmaker, no trouble. No Comolli, so over to Levy for the regrets.

Gareth Bale (didn't play against West Ham = we won) should be locked up in a vault until the final whistle. Lennon should be allowed to swap flanks and be told to run at the full-backs insistently. Modric, God bless him, should be given the key to free-roam as he will be the key to us getting anywhere hitting something on target. Bent and Pav upfront - no 4-5-1 thank you very much.

As for King. I've already sacrificed a Cockerel in the name of the footballing Gods, to help aid his recovery in time for selection.

We may as well go for it. Out of the remaining Dirty Dozen games, this is one which most wouldn't frown upon if we lost. We came so close to winning it last year, so that minor-miracle I mentioned earlier might not be too far-fetched of a dream.

We are currently unbeaten against the Cartel (Chelsea - D / Arsenal - D / Liverpool - W) so who knows. No doubt the presence of Berbatov will rile up the home fans and have the Utd following goad us about it. It's going to be tasty. But there is no room for mistakes, either at the back or when presented with a golden opportunity.

As for Berba. Give him what for. You wouldn't smile and say 'Hello, how you doing?' to an ex-girlfriend who dumped you for some bloke with a bigger cock, would you?

Prediction: Not good