Stunning super show sees sensational Spurs smiling

Spurs 5 Norwich 0

No need for a full strength side so soon after the away trip to Sunderland. Tottenham's resolve and focus on securing a Champions League spot was solid in selection and application in a scintillating display at White Hart Lane that saw the home side dispatch the visitors with bullish determination and high end quality football.

Spurs reverted back to the successful 442 which has seen much acclaim this season with Saha and Defoe rekindling their telepathic partnership. King lined up at the back alongside Kaboul and the midfield saw Bale and Lennon on the flanks with Livermore and Modric in the middle. With the Chelsea game at Wembley practically being played tomorrow (technically it's on Sunday evening), Spurs benched the likes of Adebayor and van der Vaart. Both spectators. Both lucky enough to have the best seats in the house, munching on popcorn as they watched the dismantling of Lambert's men as the hosts displayed guile, spirit and tenacity for the victory.

The first goal was majestic in its majesty. Bale, on the left cut inside and beat four men down the middle before running back 40 yards to then beat another four men again this time down the left hand flank before finally slotting the ball home for the 1-0. Because he could. Defoe was next when Saha played a beautiful dummy allowing the ball to land at JD's feet who scored with a deft touch, so good the referee awarded two goals for it much to the dismay of Paul Lambert.

3-0 at half time and more of the same followed in the second. Spurs continued to push forward with drive and astuteness, bullying Norwich, first to every ball and quick to lay it off and run into space to continue to carve and create more chances.

Saha, still standing in the same position he was in when he played the dummy in the first half, hit the post without having to move, instead preferring to use telekinesis. Then Modric almost scored directly from a corner, the bar this time getting in the way. Spurs fans were busy doing the Pozican (a Mexican Wave hybrid incorporating the Poznan) to concern themselves too much with the woodwork action. They knew it would only be a matter of time before another goal arrived.

The opposition continued to struggle with Spurs dominance in midfield, dictating play and tempo with Harry Redknapp dictating the tempo on the bench defeating Joe Jordan in a cheeky game of Mario Kart. Kevin Bond refused to be involved citing Just Dance as more his kind of thing. The Spurs defence had no tempo to concern themselves with having nothing to do other than tidy up the left-overs from the picnic they enjoyed whilst watching their team-mates in the far reaches of the pitch. Although the only complaint to be had was with Ledley King who didn't much like the cucumber and jam combo sandwiches although they all laughed about his hissy fit and then debated football boot colours over some glasses of Pimms.

Then it was 4-0 Spurs and game over. This time with a move that was started by that man Bale and finished by that man Bale. Bale in the middle played the ball out to the left where Bale picked it up and played a five touch one-two with Bale before a disguised pass gave Bale the chance to fire into the top corner. Bale gave the heart sign celebration to Bale and they passionately snogged for a few moments whilst others watched on. And touched themselves. Football bloggers in their armchairs already penning sonnets to the manager.

By now the Paxton was alight with flares and relentless singing whilst the West Stand bourgeoisie gave a nod of acceptance at the football below with a thumbs up.

There was time for a fifth, a wonderful wonderful set-piece. Benny taking the plaudits and taking advantage of an anomaly in the space time continuum to guide the ball into the net from around fifty yards out which saw the whole stadium erupt and stand up to applaud Tottenham reclaiming 3rd spot and that's when I dropped my crack pipe and realised I wasn't wearing any clothes.

I want Mila Kunis

2-5
1-3
0-1
1-1

That's one point from four games. If we match that record in our next four games then we'll have two points from eight games. Has an endearing quality that. Feels like it belongs on a t-shirt. Can't quite put my finger on it though. I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before.

Okay, so hand on heart, I really can't be bothered to write a match report for the Chelsea game drowning in the same tactical must-haves and blah yadda ya because thanks to this non-productive run of games I'm having to repeat the same desires I lust for as a supporter from one aftermath to the next. We all know what it is we want from our team. What went missing at the Emirates is still missing four games on. It's sort of got better. Performance wise. Sort of. But the results have not. Not really. And the results are what remain paramount at this juncture of the season as we stare into the blank expression of the run-in. Nothing is quite set in stone yet. Time is still a commodity of worth. Only just.

How have we come to stand on the edge that might lead to either despair or glory?

1) Capitulation. Deserved defeat. Lost.
2) Played well, plenty of possession. Got taught a lesson in how to mug a team. Lost.
3) Disorganised but 'battered' them second half. Lost.
4) Statistically 'battered' them without really ever looking like overwhelming them and actually scoring. Managed to claw back a point from the jaws of defeat. Drew.

It's like a really crappy ground-hog day where you get stuck in the lift alone for hours on end with no means of escape rather than being stuck in the lift for hours on end with a flirty Mila Kunis.

The one repeated necessity that I've cited on a number of occasions during this spell of misery is that we need to somehow rediscover our fluency, our mojo. Be it from individualistic magic or a collective tenacity to dig out the result. Or alternatively, luck. Just a lucky break. Anything. It's not happened in the two games where we expected it to happen. Chelsea away is hardly the best place to hope it will perhaps make a surprise appearance. Because winning there (not as daunting an objective as any of the previous 22 years of mugged off visits) would switch confidence back on and we'll all marvel at how one result can change it all. We'll all scratch our heads as we witness the mentally fragile suddenly reclaim the required guile to once more go forth and conquer. Twenty-two years since we last won there. I know we don't pick our fixture list but sometimes it feels like we do.

If I shut my eyes real tight, I can see her

I'm under no illusions. Even a below par Chelsea side can cause a below par Spurs side on field headaches. The best cliché that suits this game is 'the team that wants it more will win it'. A draw would be a fine result. A win would be the important result.

Do you feel that? That eerie been here before feeling? I said I couldn't be bothered with a match report and I'm being dragged down by one.

Beyond this game, it's going to the wire, no matter the result on Saturday. Your soul has suffered aplenty in the past few weeks and it will continue to do so for a while yet.

From somewhere deep within, Tottenham Hotspur have to wake the **** up and start playing the way we know they can. The way they know they can. Lose the apologetic shrugs. I don't buy into  all this rhetoric about burn out and egos and losing focus. It's the same group of players. Pound for pound the best midfield in the country? Prove it then. Make the season counts for something. Start treating the situation with the type hunger and spirit it deserves.

Christ sake, there I go again. I'm turning into the same match preview for the fifth time in succession. I'm back in the lift. Stuck between floors. The emergency alarm doesn't work. It's ground-hog day and the inevitable conclusion to it will no doubt be waiting for me when the lift plummets down several floors to the basement and I'm left wondering why I ever walked into it in the first place.

This is not a good place to be. There is no Mila Kunis to keep me company. Even if by some miracle she did appear she'd probably morph into Meg from Family Guy. But hold up, I'm not alone any more. It's Harry. Harry Redknapp is in the corner. He's giving an interview about the England job to the lifts broken intercom.

Someone please help me. I need help.

The Four Horsemen of the Spurcalypse

Conference room 23...

Pestilence - It's going well, isn't it?

War - Yes. I've got the fickle ones booing already.

Famine - That's down to me that is. You lot are always trying to get credit for something I've done.

War - We're working together are we not? There's no 'I' in team.

Death - Now now children. We need to remain focused. The end is not quite in sight. Still a long way to go. We need to start pushing the envelope out. Together.

War - Can we get this meeting started. I've got a personal trainer session booked in for one.

Pestilence - Who's doing the minutes?

War - Not me, I did them last time.

Famine - Well don't look at me, I bought the Jaffa Cakes.

Death - I've got the agenda, so I'll do the minutes this week. First up, the problems at the back. Pestilence, everything on course I see.

Pestilence - Yes, we are seeing the effects of the foundations laid out early season. Inconsistent and patched up from one week to the next. Moments of lapses proving costly.

War - Woodgate still out?

Pestilence - Of course he is. When I do a job I do it right.

War - Shame you can't quite close the deal on King.

Pestilence - Does he play every week? No. So I'd say that's job done there too.

Famine - What about Gallas and Kaboul?

Pestilence - You like that combo, don't you?

War - It's clever. Outsourcing with the Gallas free transfer as part of the hired guns initiative. Sensational piece of work I have to admit.

Death - And the other areas of criticality?

Pestilence - Well, defence is erratic as discussed. I've also closed off the forward positions on the roadmap. Working on the midfield now. You'll have noted the work I've done on downsizing Gareth Bale by removing Lennon from the equation thus having him doubled up and frozen out of games.

War - Top bombing.

Death - Splendid, love how you've maximising our core competencies.

Famine - Hold up, you closed off the forward positions? Are you kidding me? The forward positions are closed because of the ongoing work I'm responsible for.

Pestilence - If It wasn't for me you'd have nothing to work on.

Famine - That's a fallacy. I've got to handle both the Crouch account and that Russian assignment.

Pestilence - Boo hoo, project manager of the year in da house, everyone give him a standing ovation, we've just found Alan Sugars new apprentice.

Famine - Now hold on a second…

Death - Focus people, please focus.

Pestilence - Yes, focus, is what I give one hundred percent of the time and the result is one of utmost quality. No Defoe and no summer striker signing. Resulting in dimensional hoofing of the ball.

Famine - Defoe, actually, is almost back.

Pestilence - Yes, almost being the key word. And you'll find I've left him with his offside deficiency and timed his comeback for the away game at the Emirates.

War - Is that a guesstimate?

Pestilence - No, no. Should be available for the NLD.

War - Coolio. Demoralised on his comeback. I like that.

Famine - What about Spurs being linked to Forlan.

Pestilence - Who has hardly scored since the World Cup. That's also my work.

Famine - And Suarez?

Pestilence - He plays in the Dutch league. I rest my case.

War - Thinking outside the box, love it.

Pestilence - Thanks. Multi-tasking, is what I do. Gotta make sure every angle is covered.

Death - Thanks Pestilence. Famine an update please.

Famine - Hardly any goals scored from the front-line, only two home wins in six because of the lack of said ball in back of net. Away form equally stagnated.

Death - And what work have you achieved to complete this?

Famine - Work?

Death - Yes, how have you gone about in terms of progressing development and implementation?

Famine - The strikers?

Death  - Yes.

Famine - Well it's Crouch and Pav.

Death - Okay. And?

Famine - I haven't bothered doing anything.

War - Genius.

Death - Laugh out loud.

Pestilence - You've done nothing? That's classic. And you still want the credit?

Famine - Yes, I've done nothing. And yet by doing nothing, I've achieved my goal. Hence, credit all mine.  Why is this so difficult to fathom? Have you even seen the two of them play?

War - Good point that.

Pestilence - Crouch scores goals.

Famine - In Europe. That isn't our department, that's the work of those God boy geeks on floor nine. And if he does happen to score in the league or assist its because of all that hoofing of the ball you keep implementing.

Pestilence - What do you expect me to do? Keep it on the floor? Hoofing is far more detrimental to...

Death - Okay, okay, let's not get side tracked. Excellent update Famine. And War?

War - Got a couple of players moaning due to lack of games. Agent Gallas is causing a few arguments within the fan base thanks to his uninspiring performances and the anti-Harry brigade is growing stronger by the day, especially in the Blogosphere and online forums. And let's not forget the booing. Got banners planned for future games. How does 'We want our Tottenham back' sound?

Death - I like it.

Famine - Anti-Harry brigade on the internet? Yeah, cause people really pay attention to all those loopy online communities and bloggers.

War - Also Redknapp slagging off the fans in a post-match interview saying they do not appreciate what they have. I know, I know, I got a little carried away, a little self-indulgent with the touch of sarcasm but, what the hell, why not, hey?

Death - Excellent, excellent. Signature work. I thought it was marvellous. Okay, my turn now. I can confirm that on current form we are on course for death of CL qualification via top four placement for next season. Launch date…sorry, death date at the moment is pencilled in for late January. But its just a provisional date and tbh I'd prefer to see us achieve this just after Christmas. We need more in terms of fragmentation of opinion and below par performances so can we perhaps see more granularity in planning? I'm also thinking we need more of Bentley. Thoughts?

Pestilence - I can try my best with Bentley.

Death - Anyone care to conceptualise?

Famine - Get a skip onto the pitch. Or have a Sky Sports News reporter with a mic on the touchline, Bentley might start star jumping mid game.

War - That's not a bad idea, but to be honest, is there any point? He can't go past a man. He can't even ever go around a lamp post.

Death - Perfect then.

Pestilence - I worry that by introducing more of Bentley we are cannibalizing other squad players.

Death - Let's review again next week. What you need to concentrate on is weakening the strong elements of the midfield. Want to see a PowerPoint next meeting covering off how we can do so. I want the midfield disjointed like the defence and forward positions. The Webb formula in the last Excel document worked a treat by the way.

War - Nice touch with the Cattermole filter.

Pestilence - Cheers mate.

Death - Defence and forward positions are struggling as planned, however we need to run a report on our next likely target.

Famine - Wilson Palacios?

Pestilence - He's already been ticked off from the check-list.

Famine - Jenas?

Death - What does Jenas do exactly?

<silence>

<laughter>

Death - <still laughing> Let's leave the fifth horseman out of this.

Pestilence - Anyone know if he's due to return anytime soon?

Death - Not sure. It's his decision to do contract work. Good money in contracting. So, any ways, next likely target?

War - van der Vaart surely?

Death - That's achievable. It's almost Christmas, can we have him tapped up perhaps? And more 'he's the best left-winger in the world' hype for Bale, the more he gets the bigger the weight on his shoulder and the bigger the impact on his level of performance. It's what now? Four league games without a win? Just over twenty games to go before we exceed the previous hoodoo tally.

Famine - Well if someone wasn't slack with the hoodoo the first time round we wouldn't have the problem we currently have with Bale and he'd be out on loan at Forest rotting away.

Pestilence - Stop blamestorming. The calendar reminder in Outlook didn't work okay? I apologised at the time, wasn't that enough for you?

Famine - Slack.

Pestilence - Slack? I'll tell you what's slack - you. Famine? If it was a famine then van der Vaart wouldn't be scoring goals every time he plays at the Lane.

Famine - He used his arm. It was handball ffs. What am I meant to do with those types of variables? Can you not give him leprosy or something?

Pestilence - Excuses, excuses.

War - Probably my fault that, what with the O.C.W.S.S.B.A.W.

Death - The what?

War - The Ongoing Conspiracy Work Stack Supported By Clattenberg And Webb. Bit of a cross-over what with ignoring handball incidents.

Death - Of course, I knew that. Okay, great work team. I'm holding another conference call this afternoon to talk about the agenda for tomorrows conference call that covers off the workshop on Friday where we discuss how best to discuss work loads in conference calls.

Famine - Anyone want a Jaffa Cake?


How to lose points and ailenate fourth spot

Bolton 4 Spurs 2

My initial gut reaction to Saturdays could not be arsed performance in the majesty of the cathedral of football (the Reebok Stadium) was simply this: Harry Redknapp…why?

I appreciate that we shall never defeat the conspiracy (oh look another early Saturday kick-off straight after a Champions League game) but that was no excuse to just shrug at the prospect of perhaps claiming something tangible up at Bolton, were historically we get as much action as Cliff Richard. So no shocker, cometh the final whistle. No celebrations either, just footballing celibacy. Our players displaying the type of effort you'd expect from a walk on a beach mid summer holiday.

Should my knees begin to jerk ever so slightly? Or should I continue to whistle a gleeful tune and dance nervously holding up a sign that reads 'The End is not Nigh, So Stop Fretting'. Am I  ignoring the evidence of domestic degradation of consistent form and backbone? Do I rely too much on the varied weaknesses that are displayed by opposing (rival) sides with each passing week as a reason to remain optimistic? Do we - as a supporting collective - add more weight to our results than when we look across at other teams where perhaps we rationalise and exaggerate and gloss over the importance of their results in comparison? Is our squad depth not at depthy as it would suggest? Regardless of the dizzying questions, there are only two that matter at this still early juncture of the season.

What's broken and how do we fix it?

Or perhaps it's better worded as; how have we broken it and why isn't it getting fixed?

Perhaps things are not quite broken, they're just not in full working order.

We are erratic. The side is hardly ever settled in terms of juggling between league and Europe. Injuries confirm that as sublime as our first team can be, when we lose certain key players we lack cohesiveness and this has a knock-on effect with other commonly required footballing essentials (intensity, desire, focus etc). But even with a storming first team (on paper) we've disappointed in the league still. 451 works in Europe. Doesn't quite sex up at home.

Parts of the team - when the team is not at full strength (or as full strength as selection can allow) are at  times found out and thus has a detrimental effect on the rest of the side. Our defence guilty as charged. Against Bolton (who were not that good) we gifted them goals (regardless of the first being offside) because we managed to be even worse than them.

I said my initial gut reaction was to blame the gaffer, and I still do, but the players have quite a bit to answer for in terms of ye olde mental strength. But then it all goes back to the erratic selection which births lack of rhythm and style from one game to the next. We play our best football and best players in Europe. It's time we shared the wealth with the mundane task of finishing fourth. Before that ship sails and we're left drowning in shark infested waters. Or something equally grim.

So what went wrong at the Reebok? Easy peasy:

- 451 when there is no van der Vaart to accommodate. So why bother with 451?
- Crouch up top on his own. Why didn't Pav start? We are struggling with goals from our strikers in the league, so you do the math - two is better than one. There is no dynamic movement when pushing forwards and although Crouch and Pav is less Batman and Robin and more Rodney and Del Boy, it's the better and more obvious option to go with the two of them. Pav - for the record - has notched seven goals in all comps this season. That's from six starts and nine substitutions. His league record overall is rubbish (53 apps, 13 goals). So can we just tell him it's a cup game (21 apps, 18 goals) every time we play?'
- No flow and support structure in key areas (i.e. Hutton and Niko hardly a passable execution of 'how to support a team-mate')
- Sandro and Wilson in the starting line-up? Really? One newbie finding his feet and one oldie who has managed to lose his.
- Huddlestone on the bench. Stamps his authority on the game when he eventually comes on. Fails to wrap his boots around a decent pass.
- Kranjcar given a start which he does nothing with. Bentley on the other hand displays 'glimpses' of decency which is a little bit like saying, 'Look ma, he's star-jumping AND winking at the same time'.
- Wait to go three down before showing urgency.
- Complete lack of character, which is either the last dying remnants of the culture of comfort that almost destroyed this club or something isn't quite working in terms of prioritising the importance of climbing the table.
- Play badly to make opponents look good and yet almost  get back into it late on. Botheredness, the Spurs way.
- Keep dropping/losing points when it's even more obvious that this season is going to be less of a challenge to finish 4th than last season IF…IF IF IF…we attain the same standard of football we played at last season.
- No insight or astute pre-game analysis or tactical master planning of the opposing side. It's all very 'I'll select eleven players and hope they gel for ninety minutes'.
- Lack of in-game insight/astuteness and tactical re-shaping of the opposing side. It's okay to be reactive. That's 'reactive' to the game and opposition BEFORE we go three down.

Not frigging rocket science is it? And yet the same mistake(s) are made every few weeks.

We are up for the European adventure, and not so up for concentrating on league form. There might be a subconscious shared thought in the club that has everyone thinking we might not get a chance in the CL again for another two or three years so let's enjoy it and let's make our mark. Daniel Levy appreciates this as he's well aware that long term planning is vital and he won't go loopy for the sake of the short term. But considering how obvious our problems are, speculating in early 2011 would make the double challenge of home and away far more achievable than it stands at the minute.

The short term win can make the long term far more comfortable and we can stop looking around and concerning ourselves with the form of others and leave them to concern themselves with our form.

So panic? Don't bother. Not yet. Honestly, we still have some sand left in the hour glass.

We are not playing well but we are in there in terms of points and position. Sure, we are closer to the bottom than the top and the next three games are vital because if we win our home games (Sunderland/Rovers) and get something off the scum then we'll have gone from weeds to blossoming Lily's. If we don't then panic. PANIC PANIC PAAAAAANIC.

There is a point in the season where we (I) can't keep saying - we are still within touching distance. We have to move on and get in amongst the top five and pull away with them and then deal with the fight it will take to remain there and aim for 4th rather than 5th. I think we are at that point now. If we miss it, then we're going to get dragged down further with loss of focus and belief and distraction in the shape of the CL. And the point becomes one of no return.

I don't particularly want to share CL football with the likes of City or Liverpool (yes, Liverpool because they're back baby, they're back!!! Did you not see the game on Sunday?). We might find we don't have a choice and that every other season we challenge and reclaim entry to the elite competition because of the openness of the Prem. On the other hand,  we lose out this season and the Prem goes all monopoly again - and it's back to mediocrity as our players get plucked. The latter is less likely, but I'd rather not entertain that risk.

I lost count of the amount of times we got written off during the 2010 journey. I've said it many times this term - we might appear to be going sideways but we are not far off at all from getting this fixed. Just a couple of variables to be added to the formula. Just need to stand tall and proud before the money shot. Our CL hangover record is actually better than Arsenals. Not that it makes it acceptable to lose to Bolton and it's frustrating that we never get anything there - but with two home games and then the scum away (before CL and Liverpool) - this is when we discover if this fantastical learning curve - for the manager as well as players - has sunk in and we are better for it.

Get to Jan even with the same type of difference we have at the moment between us and say 3rd spot - and then it's over to the chairman and the transfer window to consolidate the work and progress achieved last season and eradicate this blip we are experiencing in the Prem. I don't need to tell you what we need. If we get what we need then we'll gonna get a whole heap of what we want.

I'll end with some positives from the game.

Ridiculously great technique and finish for the goal from Roman. Superb effort from Hutton also. That's it.

Also, can I point out that Gareth Bale didn't make his debut at the San Siro. And this fallacy of him being non-existent in the league is exactly that. Although my point would be more poignant if made on another day, rather than after a quiet performance and defeat.

Conclusion?

Last time I'm going to say this now. We are not playing well, we dissect every loss because of the standards we have set ourselves and we are showing frailties that are probably not half as bad as some other clubs have in comparison but probably more susceptible to repair. We've got it in us. It's time to prove it.

That's it.

Loving, hating Harry Redknapp

Redknapp. He's like Marmite spread across your toast. Half of you would really like it and the other half would not be so keen and would much prefer jam as an alternative (not certain what jam is meant to be representative of at this time).

Happy with Harry? Staggered that I'm asking this question six games into the EPL. I'm going to humour all the discussion currently musing around on the various blogs and forums.

Obviously many of you are not or have never been (happy with Harry). Some of you are more supportive than others. Both sides have strong opinions. It's massively subjective for a number of reasons. It's the perception of the fans that adds (removes) credence to Redknapp's tenure. Half full, half empty ethics.

Quick history lesson then.

Harry came in and did a job. One that involved the resuscitation of the club as it slumped half-dead in the deepest darkest hole at the foot of the Prem. Mouth to mouth from the boat race of Harry, not a pretty sight. But it fixed the problems that needed fixing. He hugged a few players, got confidence on the up. There was no twitching, just a wide smile, a cheeky wink and a thumbs up. And we pulled ourselves to the upper regions. Miracle worker? Or making the most of a win-win situation? Levy master-stroke regardless. Because it was a risk that worked. Is that risk now punching above it's weight?

Here's the first subjective piece of the debate.

Harry got the players playing to an acceptable standard and on occasions out of their skin. That's it. He hasn't worked a miracle. He took over the botched up job Ramos left behind and got them to work for themselves and each other. A unit. To some, this is simply the result of decent management and not the by-product of the messiah. He didn't get us onto a new level. He got us back up to the level we were meant to be at and instilled some self-respect. Across the divide, it was more than just a rescue mission. He was seen to fulfil a duty that so many others couldn’t quite get their heads around. Not only did he fix confidence and resurrect the team, he took us further (CL) when many had argued he was not cut out for either job. Especially the latter one, with aiming and taking fourth.

Onwards onto the second subjective piece of the debate. What level are we meant to be at then? I ask this because some people see claiming fourth again as the be all and end all whilst others want even more and plenty understand and appreciate we might find ourselves just outside the CL places but as long as we challenge until the death, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

We have been inconsistent for years. Mediocre (see the 1990's). Previous modern day managers have all failed to match expectations. The Jol period was (is) the foundation we have managed to build on, be it that some of the structure collapsed when we hired a Spanish cowboy to finish the job. But there was no genuine push or challenge after 2006 that would suggest we had genuinely turned the corner. Flirted with the dream, with the ideals. Nothing more. Think of the pre-Jol era. Depressing. Jol got us back into the game, but then many cited at the time he had limitations. Wasn't good enough for the big occasion. Had to be replaced. Déjà vu, eh?

Harry is the first manager for a long time to truly get results for us. Statistically, his win ratio is unequalled (yes it's only been 2 years). We've looked the part on the field in terms of style and application (eventually) during the recovery of 2009 and the epic journey of 2010. 4th and CL football. The impossible dream achieved. Of course, the landscape of the domestic league is a very different place to what it was back in 2006. It's far more open now. Not to say that a manager should be marked down on points just because Liverpool are crap.

However, just because we finished 4th doesn't mean we should be resting on our laurels. And the argument is that in more capable hands, this team would be doing far better than it is at the moment.

Harry rebuilt a lot of the damaged parts. He gave Levy that quick fix of stability. But how long do you give someone to see if they can continue to build on the newly laid foundations? Is there a lack of patience because of the need to see instant and continuous results? Or should we attempt to remember how long it's taken for us to get here?

The divide is with the people that embrace time and those that want to travel through it at pace.

The third subjective piece would be the one that splits me at times. And actually forms part of the previous one.

I appreciate the challenge at hand. If we're going to progress we need to be ruthless. On the pitch and off it. Levy has a strategy, be it one that concerns redevelopment off the pitch. What he wants on it is consistency. What we need is something more than that. There is no point plodding along. But he's astute. He's already made statements about not over-extending ourselves.

And we all know that the Prem is looking like it might well birth a time-share on 4th spot between 2/3 clubs. Still, you would hope deep down the ambition is to destroy the other contenders and claim it for ourselves. Why just aim at the target when you can see it's bulls eye? But that's me the fan, wanting and needing, always that little bit more. He (Levy) knows that patience is a virtue and prefers to make sure it's a steady rise to the top. No cutting corners. No massive unnecessary risks. Although the risk here could be the lack of risks.

So how does this split me exactly and divide the rest of you?

Harry has his limitations. I questioned him, at times, last season in terms of tactical prowess but still he mastered some superb victories - high pressured victories - at the death of the season. He's not daft. And he has proved people wrong, time and time again. But is he good enough for the Champions League? Good enough to push the team and pioneer its evolution? Can he adapt at this stage in his career? Learn from mistakes? Change his ways if it means improving the team? Is he out of his depth? Is it even fair to be posing these questions when the true test of his skill has yet to begin?

Harry works best when Harry has to fix things. Although, this current problem (if that's what our current form is) is one made from the hands of Harry and not inherited. There's no hiding place or quickie catchphrase available to divert and deflect. Some believe we just got lucky last season. If that's luck, bottle it the f**k up.

So on the one hand, you have us stable and looking in the right direction, but on the other, if he's not going to be here long term then what else is he capable of bringing to the table? Some of us, they want that sacrifice. Club before loyalty to a servant.

The subjective piece here is whether we go ahead and sacrifice the present, to guarantee the future. It's a bit wishy-washy mainly because you can do something about the present in terms of changing things, but you can't predict what's ahead and how it will effect the progress of the past two seasons. This, ties back into what level we believe ourselves to sit at and also if Levy is willing to take another risk. The last risk was forced upon him. Some of you would rather see it being premeditated this time round rather than reactive because there's no other choice.

I know one thing for certain. Stability. It's imperative.

My gripe with everything I've covered is the complete lack of consistency with how we think it's all meant to work. There is plenty of drastic cut-throat fan opinion at the moment. And quite a bit of see no evil hear no evil going on too. So where do you stand on this?

We have stagnated if you review our low-key performances and lack of oomph six games in, if you take it from the second half of the City game to the present day. But it's not quite an implosion or an epic failure. We've had the good with the bad and been average overall. It's disappointing in terms of the standard of our football in comparison to what we know this team has achieved on the pitch. Disappointing we've dropped points to team we 'should' be beating. We are missing the vital traits of intensity and spirit. Disappointing we look over-stretched defensively. Missing Defoe too. And that pride thing that set us on our way back in the post-two points from eight games days. That has gone AWOL.

Panic will no doubt rear it's head if we fail to get out of this lazy slump in the next month. We might find ourselves struggling with confidence in a far more evident detrimental way. But next month hasn't happened yet. And as much as I would want us to be outstanding from the off, this is a first time experience for our squad and for Harry in terms of EPL and CL. There is some vital, urgent re-tuning to be had. He's a manager. It's his job to fix it up. We need to look the part in the league.

Harry now has to adapt tactically and motivationally to the challenges ahead and within this, the divide between both sets of opposing views might well close up a little. But in terms of support (personally) I'm nowhere near the state of mind that would have me calling for his head on a plate. I'll admit I'm wrong if it all goes full on pear shaped, but then last season I can remember plenty of near suicidal fans screaming message board abuse at how Harry was mucking up our season. There are some that are incapable of handling the pressures from one game to the next.

Perhaps a learning curve is not an acceptable reasoning tool. But considering we have not been here before, I'm not sure we have a choice other than to support the team and just wait and see. That isn't exactly a mind-blowing assessment of matters. But what else? What would the alternative be?

Do we have impossible expectations with no room for compassion and the memory of a goldfish in terms of the past? Or is it that compassion is no longer welcomed in this particular high-end arena we wish to stay in? Or is it far more simplistic than that. We're not world beaters but it's obvious we can be playing far better and it's obvious how. If it's the latter, can we perhaps wait until the 15th game before we start burning effigies.

The lack of a world class striker is the biggest negative for both manager and fans. The injuries, not the best in terms of preparation from one game to the next. We've lost key players. But it's football. You don't always buy the players you want and you don't always have all players available for selection.

I guess it goes back to the subjective matter of what you want from the team at this specific moment. Do you think we are under-achieving, this early in the season, and that it's not acceptable and that all the evidence points to it being a problem that can not be sorted long term? A fatal tumour that can not be operated on because our surgeon doesn't have the necessary tools and experience? Or do we simply need another mouth-to-mouth to save the day?

Overly dramatic, yes. Well all this just about sums up how fragmented and fickle we are as a collective.

As for myself. I can see what isn't working and expect to see improvements. I know I'm adding fuel to the fire by opening a platform for discussion. But it's the type of discussion that's unequivocally made in Tottenham. And let's not pretend it's not going on. It's a slice of the now. And we can refer back to this at the end of December and laugh (cry) about it.

So go ahead and burn the place down...

I hate football

I hate football. There I said it.

One of the most obvious knee-jerks after a defeat such as the one experienced up at the Reebok is to hold your head in your hands and cry uncontrollably, wiping away the tears as you ask yourself:

“Why? Why do I care more than the players? Why can't the players care as much as me?"

Why? Well simply because we – the fans – are the heart beat of the club. We are the one constant through its existence. We retain the values and the ambitions that the club should be aspiring to. When players are long gone, we are still here cheering and singing and supporting the next generation to wear the colours. The history of the club is embedded within us from the first time we watch the team play and stays with us as passionately and obsessively throughout our lifetime. It’s religious in scope.

And we are all together in it. We all experience the highs and the lows. The emotions and the glory. The depression and the disgust.

"Triffic"

The reason we want to cry (or if you are too manly for Gascoignesque waterworks) shake your fists furiously at the teams abject display whilst using colourful language, is because we care so much it hurts and it hurts so much that we question whether our loyalty is misplaced. It’s a weak moment. One we always recover from. It’s sometimes easier to pretend to care less about something because it gives the illusion that you won’t hurt too much from the pain.

It’s part of our make-up as fans. Most of the time we complain and disagree with each other whilst we wait patiently (sometimes for decades) for something resembling true progression from the club before we all hold hands in unity. But that never stops us from wearing our hearts on our sleeves.

We simply love the club. Unconditionally. So when we watch a team display the same inept and dysfunctional quirks week after week, whilst the manager quotes excuses from himself from the previous defeat and the one before that, you begin to wonder why it’s so impossible for the players to react positively when the problems are so obvious?

We all know players don’t feel the same type of loyalty as fans do. That isn’t ground-breaking news. But self-pride should be evident enough. And yet its rarely evident on the pitch. Just in patches or certain games.

Other clubs have managed to capture this pride and spirit, and although some sides do not have the quality to see them achieve success others do have the quality and the combination is unequalled (see Man Utd for more details).

NLD up next. Shudder.

This crisis we find ourselves in wasn’t birthed this season. It’s been a long time coming. Our away form has been utter crap for years and years now. We never compete consistently away from WHL to really be able to drive forward as a strong side who could challenge for Europe every single season with comparative ease. Martin Jol, bless him, changed the status quo momentarily. What we’ve managed to do since has been well documented. A mish-mashed squad of individuals who struggle to form a cohesive unit. We entertain like no other club, on and off the pitch. But the main gripes are never sorted out.

Set-pieces, defending, balance of squad. Groundhog Day.

This is not just based on the Bolton result, where the score flattered us tbh. We did nothing much for 65 minutes and reacted far too late and only when Bolton relaxed. Once we made it 2-2, they woke up again and scored, thanks to help from us who sat back when we equalised. We appear to hold our own destiny in our hands every single week. Losing (I think it’s) four games away from home in the final minutes is pretty scandalous stuff. And the reason behind it?

Mental strength. Or lack of.

We have a deep-rooted psychological problem. We have players that want to play football, who want to play it about and score magnificent goals and buzz as the ball pings with neat and tidy one-touch skills. But it’s all plastic rather than gold because turning up and wanting to be great and wanting to play great is not enough. We – individually and as a team – need to want to win all the battles across the pitch like our lives depend on it. We need to clatter the opposition. Bully them. Show we mean business instead of all this limp excuse for spirit we witness most weeks. We need more Dawsons. I can’t believe I just said that.

We have no leader and we have no bully. Weak in mind, weak in soul. And this has been us for a while now. We change the manager, we change the players. And yet the same problem always exists. When mistakes are made, does anyone get angry about it? Apart from us, the mugs in the stands?

What was it Carrick once said about us? We have a culture of failure at Tottenham. He didn’t quite say that, but that was the gist of it. The players do not appear to hate losing. It’s acceptable. It’s ok. But it shouldn’t be.

The players have to stand up and show us 100% heart and passion. How many times has this been demanded this season alone, and they don’t quite do it? We know they can because we've seen it in one-off games. But alas again, that's the problem. Botheredness.

It’s easy for the likes of Utd where they win things every year to hate losing and therefore give it that extra 110% every week because defeat and failure is unacceptable for them – but surely at a club like Spurs which aspires to be a force in English football – should see their players strive to avoid being second best? Players at the club should arrive and understand that second best is not good enough for the club. We don’t have a Ferguson. But neither do most. So what is the point of being at Spurs? You can almost taste the importance and affect Davids had at the Lane, on the training pitch and in the first team squad. Hopefully Palacios will bring us something similar with his undoubted class. Whether he has the same fire in his belly that even an 'old' Davids had is altogether another thing. But then Wilson is not the same type of player that Edgar was.

Tottenham's midfield, with Lennon in the middle

Where is the intensity? That extra yard? That willingness and aggressive nature?

We didn’t show much up at the Reebok. Well done to Bent who has a pretty good goal scoring ratio this season, even though we sometimes wonder about his ability and application game to game. Shame on our defending, especially for the third decisive goal. And maybe this one up front business can be scrapped soon as it simply doesn’t work. Most of our lads had stinkers.

We are fast running out of games now. Do I think we are going down? No. Because we will do just about enough to avoid the drop, thanks largely to the fact that there are far worse teams than us. But I pray to God the players don’t have this very same thought. Look at our away fixture and who we have to visit between now and the final game of the season. It's daunting in places.

Arsenal at home next. Three points from six games during December through to Jan is almost as bad as what we got under Ramos. The results from the first 8 games of a season will not get you relegated – it’s what you do after that and we’ve done nothing other than skip through a honeymoon period that wasn’t followed up with a successful marriage.

Let's just avoid the divorce papers.

The sooner this window shuts, and Harry stops harking on about how many points we had when he joined the better. Had we not lost any of the last four away then we’d all be a little more happier now. But we did, and we’re not. The Preimer League is a joke down at the bottom, with all teams of equal poor quality. So there's no need to laser-remove your tattoos just yet.

I bet we give it a right old ding-dong go on Sunday in the NLD. Unbeaten against Big 4 opposition this season in the League (sums us up really). And we’ll be scratching our heads trying to figure out why we can’t dish out the same performance every week. Fingers crossed, hey?

I hate football. I could never live without it.

Let's just thrash Arsenal and worry about this relegation lark later.

Thanks to Dayo for the photoshop Redknapp pic. Visit this thread over at Glory Glory for more hilarity.

The Tottenham Revolution: Sign-up NOW!

JOIN US TODAY!! (Hurry, as membership applications will not be accepted after the 2nd Feb)

Tottenham Hotspur. The Premier exclusive millionaire’s social club where men* can spend their week days showing off their new hair-cuts, tattoos and Louis Vuitton man bags to other members and then on the weekends get to have a bit of a kick-around to flex those muscles and sexy thighs and flick the ball around to their hearts content in specially organised football games. But don’t fret, if you don’t want to join in with the physical stuff you don’t have to. Remember, it’s not about winning; it’s the taking part that counts. Whatever you choose, it’s a perfect way to network so you can maximise your Facebook friends list so that there’s always someone to call if you fancy a little bit of nightclubbing, boozing, womanising or nights in playing Pro Evo.

*Membership for women is currently under review.

Obviously, not everyone can be accepted for membership. Ha, only joking! Nothing rigorous about our interview process so chances are you're already eligible for the thousands of pounds per week worth of benefits – which includes gym access, sauna, free lunch and coach travel to all the big cities (and even some of the small ones) across England and Europe* and still leaving you with plenty of time to hit the West End for those all important shopping trips with the WAG. You’ll also enjoy access to the main club-house in N17 and it's facilities. Feel free to turn-up whenever you fancy it.

*European tour for next year has been cancelled but plans are afoot for a complete revamp of our English destination hotspots. Stay tuned for more on this exciting news.

So are you good looking (or at least think you are)? Do you have pretty hair? Drive an expensive car? Obsessed with getting on the show-boat feature on Soccer AM? Then look no further than Tottenham. We are always happy to accommodate people who just fancy a bit of superfluous fun, and as we don’t really tie you down, if you fancy moving onto one of the other more regimental clubs out there we won’t stand in your way. But be warned, you won’t find anywhere else more relaxed and laid-back than us. No Ketchup limit here! And don’t forget we even make sure your name is down on the guest list for Faces. Yes, we take good care of our members*.

*All members have to adhere to the terms and conditions of their membership. We are happy to help with an transitional problems you may experience. If you fail to settle or simply want something more challenging and demanding we'll make sure your membership is transferred to a club of your choice if substantial compensation for the termination of your contract can be agreed to.

We also offer spending money in the way of vouchers which are transferred into sterling straight to your bank account on the strict guideline that it’s spent on your image and lifestyle, so make sure your hair highlights and shoes are yelling out ‘I’m rich and I love it!’

Come be one of the lads!

If you’re carrying a bit of a knock, that’s fine. That won't stop you from joining up with us. We’ll still let you get involved in all the activities*. And if you suddenly need a prolonged rest we’re make sure you are comfortable until you’re ok to join in again. Even if it means missing some of our more prestigious jolly boy outings to Anfield, Goodison Park, Villa Park and Old Trafford that might not be available as part of the travel schedule for our next calender year.

*We currently do not offer any development and improvement classes in specialist and basic skills or team building exercises.

If you’ve only just recently left us and fancy coming back we’ve also got special rates for returning members so make sure you don’t miss out! We understand the grass is not always greener on the other side and thus we are happy to re-accommodate you, which means you get all the benefits you had the first time round. It will be just like you’ve never been away!

If you’re not sure about whether we are the right club for you and you're having difficulties making up your mind, rest assured we have people that will make you at ease. We have the very best mediators in the business and offer fantastic compensation to your existing club to help with your move over to us. Our club chairman and our event organiser and manager will make sure any lingering voice in the back of your mind is exorcised in no time. We've been the talk of the town since 1961! Do not miss out on this big and great experience!

Yes, this is Tottenham Hotspur. The bean-bag of clubs. Sit in it, and relax! You'll just love it here!

What our members say:

"I'm here for the Wembley days out. Don't care much about anything else. It's a good laugh, innit?"

“It’s lovely here. I get to practice my star-jumps all the time”

“The gaffer is great. Really takes care of everyone. But I think he’s having problems with his club-card as he can’t stop complaining about it. I think it must have belonged to the previous bloke who only had two points on it. He's having problems adding more.”

“I’m a bit scared of the ball, so it’s great that I don’t need to header it”

“I’ve signed up cause it gives me something to do until I move to Manchester”

"It's brilliant. I highly recommend it. When we travel outside of London, it's great that we can always leave early to travel back home. Those extra couple of minutes make all the difference"

A review of this weeks defeat away to Bolton will follow shortly....

Spurs v Stoke: The Biggest Game in our History.....ever™ - Directors Cut

We must win tonight. No excuses.

Spurs v Stoke: The Biggest Game in our History.....ever™

How many times have we been here before? Far too many. This season we keep finding ourselves with a golden chance which would allow us to push on if we take it. When we've taken similar chances earlier in the season, we haven't built on it, meaning every time we think we’ve made the type of progress to elevate us away from the bottom three for good, we end up back there. Each time we’ve gone up against a ‘bottom 12’ club we’ve bottled in. And now we find ourselves in yet another ‘must win’ situation that will save us from the mire. These chances won't be available to us forever.

The Great Escape is on.

We can all sit back with our English cup of tea, dunking a biscuit and discussing why things have not been working out and when exactly it all started to go wrong.

We can point the finger at Ramos who in turn will point at Comolli and Levy. Others will long for Jol. You could argue Harry Redknapp speaks far too much, contradicting himself from one day to the next. When he slates the likes of Darren Bent in the press, is he doing it because brutal honesty might just inspire a reaction from the player? Or is he simply letting the player know he isn’t good enough because that's just how honest(yeah yeah) he is? When things are going well, the squad is a good set of lads, and when it's not, its the fault of the previous regime (DoF and coach) and their scatter-gun approach to transfers. Regardless - this must have some form of detrimental effect on the morale of the team, no? It's having one on the fans.

Over the past few seasons we have constantly chopped and changed our side meaning little cohesion in the way of rapport and structure from one year to the next. There is no sense of progression as a unit, a team. No growth. There is no patience from board level all the way down to the stands. If someone doesn’t fit in they are moved on and replaced. If someone doesn't perform, they get booed. All this pretty much sums up the post-Jol era (actually it sums us up since the 1990's).

And to add to the circus, this season most of our transfer dealings have been played out in the public forum, granted, the press ignite the stories – but Harry has no qualms about lapping up the camera time. Nothing wrong with this football flirting half the time (all managers are guilty of it), but the current crop of players we have must be losing motivation to see their names thrown about as part of exchange deals or being replaced or labelled as ‘not good enough’ in a TV interview or the butt of a joke.

Not that I’m defending the players as it’s nigh disgraceful they don’t attempt to react positively and prove their worth to the club. Not that they haven't tried on occasions and I can detach myself long enough from all the hype and knee-jerking to understand that if the team is lacking balance then it won't be corrected by a bit of man-management. As we've seen it's simply not enough thanks to various weak spots in key areas. A player is only as good as the players around him. It's a bit of a paradox like the end scene of the Terry Gilliam sci-fi classic Twelve Monkeys when Bruce Willis makes eye contact with his much younger self. No matter what, this will always happen in an infinite loop, never to be broken. There's something very Tottenham about that. However, Willis does not have the option of Palacios and one or two others to gatecrash and change the course of history. So even with the fixture list working against us, we have a new injection that will soon stir things up a little. Otherwise, our Eleven Monkeys will take us back in time to the late 70's when we dropped down a division.

Harry has to take start taking responsibility without the constant necessity for sound-bites and cheap-shots.... (if you've fallen out of your chair, I'll give you a moment to compose yourself).

So, like I said, we could sit back and discuss the whys and wtfs for an age. Regardless of how it happened, the only reason to look back and work it out is to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Daniel Levy needs to take responsibility with how we’ve managed to go from two 5th spots to this. But for the moment, that isn’t important. We can worry about it later. What’s important now is we go back to winning ways starting with tonight’s game against Stoke. It’s all up to the players. It’s in their hands. Once again, it's a chance to start moving upwards.

Can they handle the responsibility?

Do they comprehend that we face a struggle to stay up if our form doesn’t change NOW? We are in the midst of it and our form should have changed weeks back. To dare is to do, right? Then know your history and stop feeling sorry for yourselves you absolute melters of a club side.

Palacios and Chimbonda are not available for tonight’s game. Cudicini might well start in place of the injured Gomes. Woodgate, Lennon and Modric are all carrying knocks but will probably start. As for potential newcomers, Jones is no longer a viable transfer target (he’s signed a new contract with Sunderland – so I was thankfully wrong about that potential signing). Tabloids are happy to let Robbie Keane go, but might want Lennon in a swap (thanks, but no thanks). And Fred (Lyon) is now being linked and has reportedly flown to London for talks. Some ITK's are suggesting a fee has already been agreed and he'll be watching from the stands tonight.

Stoke will be no push-overs. Just ask Chelsea. We should have beaten Pompey last time out in the Prem. But I’m bored with the should haves.

Epic Fail

Our manager has made the insightful statement that ‘you can pull yourself out with a couple of results’, with regards to our league position. Really? Is that not what we did when you first took over? The problem has been sustaining that must-win attitude all the time and not just now and again. That’s why we are still bottom and not sitting comfortably in the top half.

It’s bricking-it time. There are 16 games left and the comfort of always having time on our hands to change our luck is fast running out. At the moment it’s far too much of the to dare is to do nothing from our players.

Tottenham Hotspur. I dare you.

I dare you take the game from the scruff of the neck from the opening second.
I dare you to boss the midfield.
I dare you to be constantly hungry for the ball.
I dare you to attack with urgency and pace.
I dare you to get men into the box and attack the ball.
I dare you to be first to every second-ball.
I dare you to retain possession with style and confidence.
I dare you to tackle with determination.
I dare you to play with passion and spirit
I dare you to show leadership and belief.
I dare you to wear the shirt with pride.
I dare you to stand tall for the fans.
I dare you to swagger.

I dare you to win. Pick up the three points and see it as a job well done, but nothing more, before focusing on the next game and the next three points. Pat yourselves on the back after you push through the 40 point barrier or when safety is assured.

If we can’t muster up a better than decent performance at home against Stoke City, then the players we have don’t care enough to be bothered about whether we stay up or go down. 11 jigsaw pieces from 11 different puzzles will send us down.

Dramatical metaphors and Custer’s Last Stand war-cries aside, having new blood at the club will only work if the players already there are galvanized by the fear of failure and strive to make amends and match the enthusiasm the new (and not so new) signings bring to the side.

If Tottenham manage to roll over for Stoke 'haven't won away in the league' City, then I promise you, I will endeavour to campaign relentlessly for our relegation to the Championship where our rebirth will be one of true grandeur and spirit, akin to the Keith Burkinshaw side that returned to top flight football to win Cups and play with undoubted style and grace. Then again we might get stuck down there for 5 years and end up ground-sharing with Leyton Orient.

All we have is hope then.

I’m going to close my eyes and imagine Steve McQueen makes if over the border and into Switzerland.

Newsflash

The clocks go back tonight. I need that extra hour to recover from the breaking news.

Ramos. Sacked.
Poyet. Sacked.
Comolli. Sacked.

The chairman deciding that the manager has indeed lost the dressing room, so why wait any longer? Just get rid of the deadwood the night before a massive Prem game and about £15M in compensation (£5M to Pompey, the rest to Ramos and co).

Club announcement

The Club can announce that Damien Comolli, Sporting Director, Juande Ramos, Head Coach and First Team Coaches, Marcos Alvarez and Gus Poyet, have left the Club, with immediate effect. We wish them well.

Clive Allen, Development Squad Coach, and Alex Inglethorpe, Youth Team Manager, will take charge for Sunday's League match against Bolton.

An announcement will be made on First Team coaching staff in due course.

Comolli gone. Wow. There go about 45% of my future blog rants. Does this mean the DoF is dead? End of an error....era. Sack. Comolli wanted Jol out and Ramos in. And it's resulted with Redknapp at our club. And the chairman still sits pretty at the helm.

Apparently (the above statement is now out of date) HR is picking the team for Sunday and he's also giving the team talk. Is Defoe playing?

All that effort to push Jol out and bring Ramos in, to end up with Harry Redknapp. That's Harry 'I left Pompey for Southampton, who I failed to save from relegation' Redknapp.

So here we are again. Another new manager. I wonder if our esteemed chairman will leave this one alone.

Hoddle was sacked because of Pleats involvement in transfers.
Santini was sacked because again, the players being bought were not to the managers liking.
Jol takes over and even with two 5th place finishes, Levy sees fit to side with Comolli and tap up Ramos.
And as for Juande, he is undermined by both chairman and DoF in the transfer market. But arguably, the Prem proved to be a move to far for him.
So back to Levy we go, the one true consistent in this embarrassing merry-go-round.

Never a boring second at Spurs. And never a great moment either.

COYS.

Cough.

How to lose games and alienate your fans

THE BIGGEST GAME IN OUR HISTORY™ : The Final Chapter
Spurs v Bolton, 3pm kick-off, Sunday 26th.

You know, we always called each other Yids. Like you said to, uh, somebody: You're gonna like this guy. He's all right. He's a Yiddo. He's one of us: You understand? We were Tottenham fans. Lilywhites. But Jimmy and I could never sit in the West Stand because we we didn't drive Mercs. It didn't even matter if you didn't own an Opus. To become a member of the Park Lane crew you've got to be one hundred per cent Spurs so they can trace all your relatives back to the old days in the 1960's. See, it's the highest honour they can give you. It means you belong to a family and crew. It means that nobody can fuck around with you. It also means you could fuck around with anybody just as long as the old bill and stewards wasn't watching. It's like a license to chant. It's a license to do anything. As far as Jimmy was concerned with Tommy being ITK, it was like we were all ITK. We would now have one of our own up a tree at the Lodge

~ Yidfellows, 1961 - 2008

This is it people. End of days. The last hooray. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Charlton Heston thumping the sand at the end of Planet of the Apes. Rocky losing out to Creed. Steve McQueen not quite making the motorcycle jump over the border.

We are gush, make no mistake about it. And there's not a whiff of a blockbuster performance in sight.

We are doing just about enough in each game to lose. We haven't been overwhelmed or battered by anyone yet. We just turn up, go one goal down, and quietly die on the pitch while the opposition, usually not that much better than us, more so plucky, get their heads in front and comfortably hold on to win.

Grit

We've heard it all now. From players and management. All the soundbites and ill-fated battle cries. Players, formations, tactics, substitutions. There is nothing left in the way of 'that one last chance'. Our past 3 or 4 games in the Prem have been 'must wins'. The game that will change our form and kick-start our season. And each one has ended in defeat. We've done more side-stepping than Vinny Samways.

We haven't got any worse over the past few weeks, in fact arguably we've improved. But that improvement is fairly invisible to the human eye, thanks to the fact that the results have remained the same. What we've managed to add to this cauldron of crap is red cards. We're not just pressing down on the self-destruct button, we are head-butting it.

It's impossible to know if the players are shit because the manager has lost all respect, or if the players are shit regardless or if the manager is shit or if the squad is so disjointed due to lost players and ineffective signings that nobody quite knows what the fuck is going on. Or all of the above.

Passion

Blame Ramos. Blame Comolli. Blame Levy. Blame Jenas. It doesn't matter any more who is at fault. What matters now is who will take responsibility and get us out of this mess. And the eleven players who represent us should be the ones because regardless of management and pre-match talk, it's the 90 minutes on the pitch that count. There is no lower ebb. We are there already. And it's do or die time. Because every defeat going forwards brings us closer to Championship football.

Luck (the good type) is also non-existent, and all mathematical omens are more ominous than the Grim Reaper taking a seat next to you at a doctors appointment.

Sunday is no longer about measured tactical ploys or 4-5-1. Sunday has be a Cup final (only one we'll get this season). Sunday has to be about setting the precedence for every game after that with regards to performance. Performance equating to: Fight, urgency, spirit, desire, guts, passion, belief and pride.

Go one down? Heads up, chests out, fucking well go for the jugular and claw/scratch/kick/bite your way back into the game. Go one up? Then push for a second with all your sodding might. Start to believe, regain that swagger and that confidence. Because even without Berbatov and Keane and a true DM - we still have players of quality. Enough of them to get us above Newcastle, Stoke, Fulham, Everton at the very least.

A win, 3 points, is not the fucking Holy Grail! Dry those fucking eyes, get a grip and win the sodding game. Getting smacked around by third-rate teams like we're a crack whore begging for a hit from her weasel pimp is FUCKING PATHETIC.

We are down to basics. Every time we have prayed that our players would take the game by the scruff (Wigan, Hull, Stoke etc) we have failed miserably. Its now do or die.

Leadership

Over-dramatic? If I was drunk on rum I might suggest that losing to Bolton won't be the end, because Ramos would walk/be sacked and the new coach might galvanise the side to such an extent that the same bunch of players start to perform minor miracles. But that's pretty unlikely based on the fact that this dire form has been a year in the making. But then, that's what we are all hoping a win against Bolton will do. Galvanise. Because we have no choice now due to the maths and our position and the upcoming fixtures. With or without Ramos, we have to start winning.

So all that's left is for the home fans to sing till their mouths bleed and for the team out on the pitch to remember who they are and reclaim some self-respect and respect for the club and its fans and its history.

Otherwise, I'd suggest we sack the lot of them, run an X-Factor style competition to find out who the most athletic 20 Spurs fans are, and then stick them in the Lilywhite shirt. Because determination wise, they will run till their lungs collapse. And at least win/lose/draw - we can say we we're proud of the effort.

For one last time, it's over to you.....Gomes, Hutton, Woodgate, King, Gunter, Corluka, Gilberto, O'Hara, Zokora, Jenas, Lennon, Bentley, Modric, Gio, Bent, Campbell, Pavlyuchenko....

Bolton Wanderers..... go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.

The Great Escape? Be inspired

Southampton were the last team to survive after a start as bad as ours. They finished on 41 points. I think survival this season on 41 is only dependent on other teams just above us being just as bad.

Below is Soton's results from that season. Take inspiration from the fact that you can be truly awful and still retain your Premiership status.

I'm off to open a bottle of champagne.

16-Aug-98 Liverpool (H) L 1-2
22-Aug-98 Charlton (A) L 0-5
29-Aug-98 Nottm F (H) L 1-2
08-Sep-98 Leeds Utd (A) L 0-3
12-Sep-98 Newcastle (A) L 0-4
19-Sep-98 Tottenham (H) D 1-1
28-Sep-98 West Ham (A) L 0-1
03-Oct-98 Man Utd (H) L 0-3

P8 W0 D1 L7 F3 A18 1

17-Oct-98 Arsenal (A) D 1-1
24-Oct-98 Coventry (H) W 2-1

31-Oct-98 Sheff W (A) D 0-0
07-Nov-98 Middlesbro (H) D 3-3
14-Nov-98 Aston Villa (H) L 1-4
21-Nov-98 Blackburn R (A) W 2-0
28-Nov-98 Derby C (H) L 0-1
05-Dec-98 Leicester (A) L 0-2
12-Dec-98 Everton (A) L 0-1
19-Dec-98 Wimbledon (H) W 3-1
26-Dec-98 Chelsea (H) L 0-2
28-Dec-98 Nottm F (A) D 1-1

P20 W3 D5 L12 F16 A35 14

09-Jan-99 Charlton (H) W 3-1
16-Jan-99 Liverpool (A) L 1-7
30-Jan-99 Leeds Utd (H) W 3-0
06-Feb-99 Chelsea (A) L 0-1
20-Feb-99 Newcastle (H) W 2-1
27-Feb-99 Man Utd (A) L 1-2
02-Mar-99 Tottenham (A) L 0-3
06-Mar-99 West Ham (H) W 1-0
14-Mar-99 Middlesbro (A) L 0-3
20-Mar-99 Sheff W (H) W 1-0

P30 W8 D5 L17 F28 A53 29

03-Apr-99 Arsenal (H) D 0-0
05-Apr-99 Coventry (A) L 0-1
10-Apr-99 Aston Villa (A) L 0-3
17-Apr-99 Blackburn R (H) D 3-3
24-Apr-99 Derby C (A) D 0-0
01-May-99 Leicester (H) W 2-1
08-May-99 Wimbledon (A) W 2-0
16-May-99 Everton (H) W 2-0

P38 W11 D8 L19 F37 A61 41

Fingers crossed, yeah? Might not be worth the effort, crossing fingers. Read this article from The Proud Cockerel site.

Only voodoo can save us now.