No place like home

Pains me to see Sergio Aguero signing for Manchester City. At this rate they'll ruin any joy in managing Tottenham Hotspur in the next revision of Football Manager 2011 because all the top players will be unattainable meaning I'll have to raid West Ham as I plot to conquer the giddy heights of the top four and Champions League.

Reality has consumed the world of fantasy. Guess I'll have to invest in scouts and trail the world for rough diamonds and unknown talent.

Hey, at least I'll still have Luka Modric pulling the strings in midfield.

And Pav. And Defoe. And Crouch.

You can almost understand why it's such an impossible task for us to penetrate this sugar wall of prospective transfer targets. It's because we are limp. But we do try ever so hard. What with the chasing and the flirting. Sometimes, too much of it spent on visuals rather than the real thing. The best practice would be to focus on one tangible potential rather than risk a sensory overload going blind salivating at a dozen. Either we are aiming too high or not aiming at all. One thing is for certain, we haven't touched the sides for a while.

You have to be ambitious right? So you have to target 'top drawer' players. Except these players are only interested in signing for an elite group of clubs or preferring the 'better the devil you know' mantra and staying put. It seems the love everyone had for us in our swashbuckling debut in the Champions League has expired on the continent.

So what of the ambition? The targets? It's there, it must be there. By virtue of what we desire, what we need. How genuine these targets are is down to how much faith you have in our activity and the media coverage.

Rossi. Vucinic. Lukaku. Llorente. Mata. Osvaldo. Benzema. To name a few (won't bother adding the variety of midfielders we've been linked too).

Out of the above Vucinic is the likely one based on the fact that he probably wouldn't be considered top tier for those bloated big brands and the fact that after we allegedly bid for him Man Utd were supposedly interested (a blatant planted story to drive up his price by his club).

The rest?

Lukaku won't join. Elite only.
Rossi. Not sure we're willing to pay the asking price.
Llorente. Have we actually been linked with him again or is this a flashback to the last window?
Mata. Will want CL.
Osvaldo. Would rather not.
Benzema. If I can sign him in Football Manager then there's always a hope.

It's crazy I know but if you asked me what player I'd like us to sign this summer, I couldn't possibly tell you. Just a forward.

As for Adebayor on loan, I'm left scratching my head at the fact that this might be a possibility based on the fact that Levy doesn't have to over-extend with a hefty bid for anyone else until perhaps the summer of 2012 when we appoint a new manager that might have his own ideas (I read it on the internet Harry won't be with us after this season).

As pointed out many times, it's not the long term we need to be thinking about. Well actually, it is. But it's the short term that will define the long term. If chairman and manager are on a mission, behind closed doors, then I can live with the uncertainty all the way up to the closure of the window. But I'm not sure I could handle another blank shot.

We are left with a month or so to repackage the THFC forward line-up. Tick tock.

I'd promote Harry Kane and be done with it. 4th striker (I'm desperate, let's take the risk of ruining another kid). Then it's a case of signing that elusive 'big signing'.

Then perhaps move Crouch on to QPR.

Leaving us with: Big signing, JD, Pav and Kane.

I'd rather it be two big signings up front, but based on the previous two windows and the current landscape of modern football I think that's a step too far into the land of rainbows and floating pink unicorn hearts.

Where do we go? Where do I go?

Reality? Fantasy?

How about limbo? Better yet, purgatory.

No place like home.

Coming soon...

The Fighting Cock is a brand new THFC podcast. You'll be able to stream it or download it here on DML (make sure you have a Quicktime plug-in installed). You'll also be able to subscribe to it on iTunes in the near future.

Love the Shirt.

Flav, tehTrunk, Spooky, Ricky, Chicago Dan.

The FC Podcast group on Facebook.

email: thefightingcock at gmail dot com

Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy

How are you feeling? I'm feeling parched. In fact I'm worse than that. I'm dehydrated, lips dry and cracked and gasping for a drop of water. The vast sandy plains of the desert is a never-ending landscape of nothingness. Unbearable heat, sun burning the skin raw, one mirage after another after another playing constant tricks on my eyes.

And when I finally see something in the distance, and I sense in my heart of hearts it's not a mirage and I crawl towards it praying I get there before I black out…I reach for it hoping and praying it’s the miracle I've been waiting for but all I find in my hands is a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. An ironic sick joke and as helpful to a man dying of thirst as a saxophone is to an astronaut walking on the surface of the moon.

Welcome to this seasons summer transfer window.

Today is Wednesday. Nothing has happened. Yesterday was Tuesday, nothing happened. And tomorrow (Thursday) is also scheduled for nothing.

Such is the desperation that even the rumours and the ITK gossip is as dry as a grain of sand in the Sahara. We see Zokora going to Sevilla, but then it's off…but it could be on again. Who knows? Bent is over-priced and nobody appears to be interested. Apart from Sunderland who might want him if the price is right, but Harry might want Jones so nothing might happen here. Or maybe it will because Crouch is being linked to a move to the Stadium of Light. But he's also being linked with us, but only as a back-up option. Meaning someone has to be our main target. But if we had a main target, we'd surely know who it is. No? Answers on a postcard.

Bentley was going to Villa and we were signing Young. This was then followed by the Spurs invasion of Madrid to pick-up the Dutch players pushed aside by the return of the Galacticos. Alas, the mind is playing cruel tricks again. It was just an hallucination. Here's hoping that the Pennant rumour is also a full blown mirage too. What next? A cheeky bid for Rohan Ricketts? The return of the Ginger Pele?

Pav is linked with a different club every week. Either his agent is desperately trying to orchestrate a move for him or we are trying desperately to orchestrate a move for him. Or the tabloids are trying desperatley to orchestrate a story. Nobody is interested. Much like nobody is interested in Boateng, but then who would be if we are trying to claim back what we paid for him in the first place. If Levy is being this shrewd we might never sell him. Or Gio for that matter, who has no future at the club. Harry doesn't fancy him. He fancies a bit of Adel, but the young midfield maestro fancies us as much as I fancy Courtney Love to eat a plate of steak and chips.

O'Hara to Fulham? Swap Jamie for Tom Huddlestone and you've got the same rumour for two different players and every other week just mix it up by changing the story from 'we don't wont to sell' to 'they won't pay what we want'.

Bale to go? No chance. Wouldn't even loan him out. Considering how many players we are meant to be selling, we won't have a squad left considering we are not yet opening the floodgates for incoming signings. Gunter on the other hand may well be surplus to requirements. If he's not, he'll definitely be out on loan because we have more players for the right-back position than Leyton has Polish residents.

Talking of right-backs, if Harry manages to re-locate Pascal Chimbonda - expect him to be sold on for a loss and signed back at Christmas. Apparently he's been sighted in Goa, but it's being suggested it's just a look-a-like.

And as for players we want to sign. With the Dutch lads at Madrid all 'dead in the water' (not literally, that would be murder) we have to persist with stories about how we are once more back in for the Welsh injury-prone version of Robbie Keane, Craig Bellamy.

Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy.

Heat stroke has kicked in and the desert mocks me further with a mirage of Comolli drinking Evian.

There's no coming back from this, unless the sky clouds over, dark and brooding, and a thunderous roar leads to relentless rain drowning me in hope.

Will I be saved? Nobody knows. At the moment I have to make do with crawling my way from one false hope to the next, as I progress to the next stage of delirium, heading towards ireversable insanity.

Hold up...I see a miracle...A MIRACLE! ENGLAND ARE THRASHING THE AUSSIES AT THE CRICKET! It's not a Spurs transfer deal, but it will do.

I'm finally at peace.

Things to get you through a weekend without Tottenham

Does the International break bore you?

England are playing this weekend. Am I the only person who finds it all a bit of a bore when there are no Tottenham games to go to or watch on TV? Don't get me wrong, I'm as patriotic as the next fan...but only for qualifying games and tournaments (when we actually manage to get there).

Friendlies never get my juices flowing. If I can't shout, scream and generally have my emotions soar, dip and ripped apart then it's not really football. Something needs to be at risk. And I don't find pride is when its just a warm-up match. Even if it's in preparation for an important game (next Wednesday) against the Ukraine. Saturday's (against Slovakia) still a friendly. A glorified training session.

Yes I know, Aaron Lennon might play, and if he does well he might (just might) make an appearance next week. Although if you take a quick look at the Beckham feature article on the BBC site you'll note that he has every chance (Becks that is) of playing as Walcott and SWP are not in the squad.

Cough? Forgotten someone perhaps?

And with the debate about whether King should have or should not have been called up by Fabio dragging on and on (you honestly think 'arry isn't going to talk about it some more?), I can't help but look ahead to our next Prem game against Blackburn. Proper bread and butter football.

I don't have Setanta at home and the local pub that shows live games is usually full of West Ham fans who will no doubt be out in numbers carrying around replicas of the Jules Rimet and banging on about '66 and celebrating in the streets that they invented modern day football.

I'd rather avoid it all tbh. But will definitely make the effort for the Ukraine game. For sure.

So to get me through Saturday, I've devised a list of potential activities to help me avoid the overwhelming boredom that would otherwise consume me. Feel free to suggest your own.

1) Work out the points accumulated in the opening eight games under Ramos and then calculate the points accumulated by Harry Redknapp from the time of his appointment till the present day and based on Harry's points to games ratio, work out where we would be had he been manager at the start of the season. Then device a What If Premier League table that will have us within touching distance of a Champions League place and then work out whether we can claim 4th spot based on our remaining fixtures and who we would need to buy in the summer to help consolidate the challenge domestically and in Europe. Then post all my findings and analysis on a Tottenham message board and watch it grow to 100 pages in a day with around 3000 replies. Just for kicks.

2) Throw eggs at the home of the person who wears the current Chirpy mascot outfit at home games. WE DON'T LIKE YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I want the original Chirpy back. The one that doesn't look he's possessed by a demon with a smug Adam Sandler complex.

3) Watch my Sky+ recording of the Arsenal v Spurs 4-4, replaying the final 10 minutes several times to catch the various reactions of the Spurs players and the fans - specifically at the point before and after Lennon equalizes. Then using my TV capture card, create a montage video of the glorious evening with Tina Turners 'Simply the Best' as the soundtrack. Then upload to Facebook and Youtube and then update Twitter every 5 minutes, linking to the video, and posting inane hilarity about how busy the London Underground was this morning and what I had for lunch.

4) Begin legal proceedings to sue West Ham United. The other day I had what I can only assume was a very dodgy lasagna which blatantly gave me the runs and a chronic gut. This resulted in a Vietnamesque flashback in a packed shopping centre - ala Sgt. Elias - falling to my knees, hands aloft, screaming in agony at the returning realisation of how close we came to a dream qualification into the elite of European football. A dream destroyed by a Benayoun top corner finish.

As nobody was ever charged or held accountable for poisoning the Spurs team, and as West Ham were the opposition that day and inflicted the defeat on a side ravaged by ill health, they remain the only ones responsible for my emotional upheaval that resurfaced in such an undignified and public way.

I'm after a reasonable pay-out. Equivalent to what Spurs lost in Champions League revenue. That should cover the trauma and rehabilitation.

5) Walk up to random strangers and state '2 points, 8 games'. The message must be spread to the non-believers.

6) Go round my parents for lunch and refuse to sit down on the sofa. If my dad manages to talk me into sitting down because I'm making everyone feel uncomfortable, I will do so. Then wait until he walks away, then stand up and burst into song: 'Stand up if you love mums cooking, stand up......'.

7) Travel up to Manchester, sneak into Dimitar Berbatov's back garden and then use my state-of-the-art tranquilizer gun to shoot all the squirrels in the vicinity. Who you gonna feed now, Berba? Hey? Who you gonna feed now?

8) Watch my Sky+ recording of the Spurs v Chelsea 1-0. Then using my TV capture card, create a montage video of Modric and his performance, to the music of 'Diamond Lights'. In addition, morph highlights of Moddle into highlights of Hoddle, subtly suggesting that Modric is the new King of the Lane. Then upload to Facebook and Youtube and then update Twitter every 5 minutes to make sure people are fully aware that I'm 'online', either sat in front of a pc or texting updates via my mobile phone.

9) Search through all Bit Torrent sites and Newsgroups for a soft copy version of the Tottenham Hotspur Opus. Come on! Surely someone must have scanned this and uploaded it to the internet? You can find practically anything on-line. Whether it's DC or Marvel comics, books, novels, screenplays, about a million PDF's and random user-guides, every piece of software, music, pornography and movie you can possibly imagine......but no bleeding Opus? Further proof that nobody has actually bought a copy, because if let's say 10 people purchased one, at least one of them would have shared this with the www. It's 2009 ffs. People don't even bother buying Playboy anymore, they just wait for some else to scan and upload it. So I'm told.

10) Stand near the living room window, and pretend I've got Setanta by booing every few minutes. People walking past will assume Ashley Cole is playing shit. And this will bring much joy to the world.