Sticky toffee not enough to mess up Spurs

We never win the easy way. If the average Spurs fan doesn't lose a few months off their life expectancy after every game, then that's not the Tottenham way. I'm due to die the middle of next week.

I'm ecstatic we won. I'm ecstatic we held on to win. First half we were rampant going forward. Sexy football? Yes, but not of the love-making type. We're talking lights on and frantic rogering. We ruined Everton at times.

Pav scored his 5th in three games, Huddlestone releasing Defoe who shot towards goal (wasn't quite on target) but as the ball cut across, Roman was there to slam it home. Our second was majestic. Made in Croatia, the passing in the build up was patient and slick. The finish a corker, right-footed over Howard and onto the underside of the bar and in.

Easy street. Dominant. Modic an absolute delight, every box ticked. Pav in the side allows for that free-flowing football to creep out from the shadows of starting with Crouch and having us hoof rather than force players to move and create space as much as possible.

Easy street. You'd think. Right?

Er, well no. This is Tottenham remember. Clues to an uneasy second half was Gomes hovering his finger over the self-destruct button. Flapping and missing the ball on a couple of occasions and then trying to, well I don't know what he was trying to do when Everton scored. Not that I blame Gomes for the second half drop in tempo.

Huddlestone going off rocked us. Kaboul is not, I repeat NOT a central midfielder who can create in the manner that Tommy can. Not sure what type of midfielder he is. Well, he's not a midfielder, is he? But losing big Tom to an ankle injury is not reason enough for blame.

Blame that pesky Moyes and his half-time team talk. Must have spat some fiery words to inspire a supposed jet-lagged Everton side to rediscover some of that Mersyside stubbornness and pull themselves back into the game.

Aided by Gomes trying to reach around (ooh) to punch the ball and then what looked like the bundle of the ball (and keeper) leading to the first goal conceded in the last 10 hours of White Hart Lane football. Need to catch MotD2 to see how bad it was. But no matter, because people will long remember Landon Donovan's expertly placed effort the wrong side of the post when it was easier to tap it in for 2-2. The ripples of the side-netting have never looked so good.

Last 10 minutes were the usual textbook hearts in mouth experience copyrighted by THFC. With additional 6 minutes of injury time to further prolong the agony. Had an effort or two ourselves as the game died out and I guess some form of karma or balance or luck saw the game end with us taking all three precious points.

Hard way is the Spurs way.

Moddle and Bale were outstanding. Huddlestone's injury has yet to be confirmed with regards to the amount of games he'll possibly miss. Do we have any CM's left? Flux capacitor required, January transfer window the destination. Also hearing Bentley has a groin injury. And with Azza out, things will get harder and harder as the season edges towards its conclusion.

Still 4th. Still hanging on in there. Credit where it's due though. We ain't letting go.

COYS.

Sandro to Madrid?

Sandro to Real Madrid? €15 million bid. Pre-contract signed. Internacional haven't (apparently) accepted the bid officially yet but legal documents have been drafted and placed into motion.

I'm not ITK.

I just have nothing much to post at 23:43pm and noticed someone left some gossip on the blog about this potential transfer which I've only just noticed. Would be quite funny (ironic) if the above happened, considering the alleged effort to sign the lad and our supposed 'relationship' with the Brazilian club.

Not all is lost. No doubt Zokora has a buy-back option in his contract if we fail to find another available defensive midfielder this coming summer window.

If anyone spots anything that either confirms or contradicts this (Sandro, not Zokora) then feel free to share.

Spurs hit by 'bug' virus. Lightning strikes twice.

Training HQ shut down. Eighteen players and staff affected with illness. Wilson Palacios and Vedren Corluka struggling to be fit for the Everton game on Sunday.

The far reaching remnants of David Dein's devastating influence years after 2006 and the biggest conspiracy since JFK have ghosted back in to potentially damage our run-in campaign.

In addition, Defoe (hamstring) and Bentley (hair out of place) are also injury concerns. And with Pompey in administration, expect Kevin Prince Boateng to return for an undisclosed fee in the summer, just to compound the hurt further.

RIP 2010 season; faster than you can tuck into a pasta dish and puke it up.

But do not fret. We have Kaboul ready and willing to slot into the right-back position as he was re-signed as a utility player (of sorts). But alas, no need. Because BAE (who isn't a right back) can play there because even though he's not a right-back naturally, he's more trusted to achieve stability in that position than the aforementioned player.

But do not fret. We have Kaboul ready and willing to slot into the defensive midfield position as he was re-signed as a utility player (of sorts). But alas, no need. Jenas can partner Huddlestone in the middle. Hahaha, just jesting, just jesting. He's also struggling with an injury.

So perhaps Modric can play there with Niko out on the left. In fact if we need to draft in a sack of potatoes to do a job in place of Jenas/Kaboul in Wilson's (probable) absence, then so be it.

No Azza, he's apparently flying off to Europe for an op. Ah Europe, the promised land. One day, one day.

I have not a clue how well we've managed to train yesterday/today with the Lodge locked down. I can only hope that Everton's limp away form and a rejuvenated Pav will be able to do enough to win the day for us. Harry continuing his half-arsed attempts at back-pats by suggesting Roman needs to work harder, which to be fair is half decent motivation. Although completely redundant comments unless the Russian picks up a copy of The Sun and asks his interpreter to translate.

Never boring, this THFC lark. COYS.

Enjoy your Friday afternoon.

All hail the Roman emperor!

Okay, it's getting ridiculous now. At the final whistle, the surrounding area of White Hart Lane resembled Woodstock circa 1969. Grown men hugging and kissing, declaration of (man) love (for a certain Russian teddy bear) and plenty of skipping naked up the High Road singing and weeping tears of joy. And crying too. Rainbows lit up the dark night sky and the singing continued well into the early hours of Thursday.

Yes. Roman Pavlyuchenko is better than sliced bread. His goal celebration was one of absolute unbridled happiness, laying on the ground whilst one team-mate after another mounted him (ooh err), his legs up in the air shaking uncontrollably. It was yet another release of pent up frustration, following on from his brace away to Wigan. He probably never thought he'd be playing a part and now suddenly he's the darling of the Lane. The purest of our goal-scorers, slotting/passing the ball into the net rather than lashing it towards goal.

His first was coolly taken. His second (after two Bolton own goals) was made to seem as easy as they come, with all the time in the world to pick a spot and beat the keeper. There's a bug going around at the moment which has apparently hit several of our players (Defoe, Palacios, Bentley, Corluka). Jenas is locked in my basement where he will remain for the foreseeable future. Not sure if Crouch is injured or struggling with illness but I'm certain he'll have a headache looking on as Roman has more or less cemented his place for the Everton clash. No bug with this lad. Just a buzz.

Harry was his usual deflective self post-match. Dropping in a comment about how Pav is a good lad, nice lad, can't speak a word of English. Beautifully navigated there Harry. He could have sold him ya know, could of but didn't. Quality man-management right there. Makes you wonder at what level the Russian would be had he played a part from the start of the season, but hindsight and theorising aside, the fact is - he's in form NOW and that's fine by me. Long may he continue to prove me wrong and the other doubters. Whether it's enough for him to want to stay, we'll see soon enough. He's increasing his potential value for a move away if that's what Harry ends up wanting, because Peter Plan B great control for a someone so tall Crouch is the perfect foil for young Defoe. Harry knows best.

As for the game, thank you to Bolton for not turning up. They hardly had any true sustained pressure with their mish-mash line-up in that oh so typical 'the league is more important for us' guise they were wearing. Although there were moments when we sat back (lackadaisically is what the BBC called it - pretty much perfect description) we were more than comfortable in possession and never really tested to the point where nails were bitten. It was easy. Never vintage, but not boring either. Pav giving us the deserved lead, one own goal to settle the nerves further and at the birth of the second half, another to kill the game off. Pav's second (from a Danny Rose inch perfect pass…yeah, you heard me, a pass!) was an unnecessary footnote on the game other than for Roman to gleefully continue to smile and punch the air as his renaissance continues.

Massive test for him and the rest of the side when we play the Toffeemen in what is going to be a vital 6 pointer clash. As for the FA Cup, Fulham away next. We don't like playing them there mainly because we don't tend to win when visiting their quaint ground. Better memories in the Cup though. More of the same again. Won't be easy, end to end no doubt. Will be happy to bring them back to the Lane in yet another replay. The hard way is better than no way.

COYS.

Let's bolt-on Pav for another goal-fest

Afternoon.

I'm completely devoid of any creative juice currently. It's a lull so do not fret. This is what happens when you spend most days shopping for Tommee Tippee and deciding whether you should opt for Bugaboo or Maxi Cosi. Football becomes a fantasy world you escape to when hiding under tables from your heavily pregnant partner, who has became a Huddlestonesque figure consuming all before her (mostly chocolate). Thankfully she's about as slow as big Tom so the threat is minimal. Although she's got more bite then Jenas so she could potentially do a job in our midfield. Then again, the fluff in my belly-button could potentially do a job in our midfield as an alternative to Jenas.

This is not to say I'm about to disappear under an avalanche of nappies and baby milk. I blog therefore I am. Still playing around with the idea of having some guest writers on here for the days spent hallucinating due to extreme tiredness, although on such days I could potentially do a job in our midfield as an alternative...

But, as I said, this is just a lull. One that will no doubt be forgotten about after this evening when Super Pav notches a hat-trick (one with his left, one with his right, one with his head) and runs across to the bench to celebrate, sliding on knees and twitching in front of Harry who later explains in the post match interview that this was the plan all along, to hold back the Russian until the run-in and release him into the wild to do much destruction and damage in the way of casual clinical finishes as we go on full attack for both 4th spot and the Cup. A sort of 4th place in the league Cup double. There's a DVD in there somewhere I'm certain of it.

Tonight is vital IMO. And I doubt you'll disagree. I want an FA Cup final. It's been too long. One game at a time, mind. So Bolton have to be brushed aside with a bit of that olde swagger. It's not something to be ignored or fudged up by perhaps shifting players out of the side and doing a spot of tinkering with selection. I want to see our strongest side this evening, do a job and do it well. And then more of the same against Everton on Saturday. However I don't expect the side to be as strong as it will be when facing Moyes side. As long as the backbone retains its shape I'll be happy enough. Every game is a cup final from here on in. Get your suits measured.

Enjoy the match.

COYS.

Don't take Defoe to the World Cup Fabio...he's evil

We win. Away. Score three goals, and keep a clean sheet. We do it with a mix of the ugly and the sublime, in the mud, up North. And back down South, one of London's freebie newspapers decides to run the headline that has Jermaine Defoe pencilled in as some type of Dark Sith, waving his light-sabers around with no remorse and unnerving petulance. The Facere is strong with this one. Much like the farce is strong with the Evening Standard and their blatant side-step to say something positive about Spurs. You'll be equally shocked to hear the report of the game has nothing to do with Matthew Norman, unless he's ghost writing for Tom Collomosse.

So, basically our win has had the shine taken off it because Defoe did a norty tackle. Yes, yes, because losing your rag is something that is simply forbidden if you're not Wayne Rooney. Tom poses the question 'How would he react to a sly dig in the ribs or a kick on the ankle' during a World Cup quarter final? Don't fret Tom, Wayne will give him some hints and tips on how to control his temperament, because we all know JD is an animal on the pitch, isn't he just. Week in week out, all the goals he's scored count for nothing because they're blanked out by his suspect attitude in games.

Dry them Tom.

Dashing towards the ball is also apparently more condemning evidence that our top scorer is a liability.

Edgy.
Irritable.

That's our JD according to the ES.

So one bad stupid tackle, and it's deserving of 80% of a match report? Really? Is he like this every week? Does he get sent off regularly due to violent conduct or stupid reactions? Of course he bloody well doesn't.

Absolute bollocks journalism by an absolute melter trying his best to avoid discussing a decent win away when a few thought we'd perhaps stumble and lose more ground.

Tomorrow the Evening Standard is set to publish a piece about how Modric is over-rated because anyone with a mullet in this day and age can not possibly be good at football.

Wigan 0 Spurs 3: From Russia with a smile

It was no majestic execution of total football so don't expect a club dvd release of our 3-0 away day win in the marsh lands of Wigan. However, don't be dismissing the performance completley out of hand. Take some pride from the professional taking of three points, even if it took a couple of cameos to conslidate the victory.

That Harry sure knows how to make subsititions, hey?

Okay, so for long periods of the match there wasn't too much going on and even the goal scored by Defoe to stick us 1-0 up was blatantly offside, even if the build up play (Niko and Bale involved) was deserving of a more pure finish. Many thanks to the assistant referee and his reluctance to lift his flag for that piece of good fortune. If he had eyes we'd be all busy slating JD for getting a light year ahead of the last defender before the ball was crossed.

What we got out of this incident was the lead in a game we were comfortable in, which was great because we weren't exactly having many shots on goal. I'm not about to drum up the olde 'cutting edge and lack of' discussion because the pitch was a travesty. It's hard enough for us to create chances on a decent one so no shocker we muddled through this. We mixed it up a little, tried to pass it around and had Crouch as the option if we required a long punt forwards with accompanying knock-down 3 feet away from the feet of Defoe.

Game for me changed when Modric came on.

At the start of the afternoon I found myself nodding in agreement that the lickle Croatian was on the bench. Wasn't just about the state of the pitch either. He's been a little off-key so allowing him to come on and make an impact if need be suited me just fine. Because you could see early on it was going to be one of those games we'd have to bide our time with.

Ref was inconsistent, Defoe lucky (not just with the goal but with one or two tackles and a card - thankfully just yellow). It was fragmented and untidy. King leaving the pitch just after 50 minutes was no shocker. Surprised he was risked in this game considering (no offence) that Wigan are not exactly going to pose the type of threat Everton will this weekend. We could have easily gone missing, but thanks to Wigan's reluctance to play long balls it was a game where both sides tried - as much as possible - to play football. And as for the physicality, Wilson handled it along with the rest of our players. There was no pushing powder-puff Tottenham off the ball in this game (Wigan simply not strong enough to do so).

We had the best of it in the first half, went a bit quiet and then in came Modric (for Niko) and we looked good for a second goal. Because we all know we can't rest unless we get a second.

Crouch should have scored. He didn't. Failed to lift it over the keeper. Modric unlucky with his shot coming off the post and into Kirkland's hands. When Pav entered the field of play I had a gut feeling he would get onto the score-sheet.

Scoring twice was a bit lovely considering how he's not even meant to be in a Spurs shirt. Took his first goal with ease (Modric at the heart of it, threading the ball through to him after a determined run) and then his second (from a free-kick) coming after a save from his initial header, casually slotted in through a tight gap, again with ease and a smile.

It was almost like Roman was mucking about in the playground with his mates during lunch break. Compare his efforts to the over zealous efforts witnessed in recent games. Pav was cool and calm, a refreshing alternative that we've almost forgotten about devoid of any misplaced urgency or lack of confidence. I like this Pav, much more than the one that moans in the papers, but then you can understand why he moans when he's never played. Harry, bless him, scratching the back of his neck and shifting uncomfortably couldn't quite muster up a heartily pat on the back for the Russian. You'd have noticed his comment post-match was underlined with the suggestion that Pav is a good player when he can be bothered. Yes, Harry gave him a chance because he trained well (for once). Unlike all those other times when he didn't.

"He's fantastic, trffic, quality player, top class, blah blah"

Yes, yes, if you believed any of that he'd have played a ton more games than he has. If Pav is not training well then it's probably because he's a tad disillusioned. Stick him up front against Bolton and let's see if he can do the business again. Leave the favouritism alone for once. Suck it up and just give us what we want.

Yeah, I know, I've written off Pav plenty of times in the past. Let's face it, his first season was a mess and he'd not had a chance since. Most Spurs fans would agree, so call me a soppy romantic but my heart melted for the lad when he celebrated and more so when seeing the united front all his team-mates put up for him during and after the game. He's well liked. Which is a great achievement for someone who can't speak English.

So in the end we didn't suffer the usual indignity of a last minute equaliser thanks to the magic of Modic who glided around the mud pitch like a skater on ice and Roman's clinical finishing.

We dug deep, got lucky with an offside, still pretty much dominated the game and did our goal difference a world of good along with pushing ourselves up from 7th into 4th. Again.

Happy days.

That was the week that was

So, according to Harry we need a goal-scoring midfielder like Lampard. No shit. That's why we tried our utmost to sign one in the last transfer window and ended up with Kaboul.

/tumbleweed

Pav is once more mouthing off. Although it's tiresome, it's equally so to hear Redknapp bang on about the player as though he was an integral part of the squad and yet hardly ever gets a chance, forever warming the bench. Okay, so it's doubtful he's even half the player we wished he would be based on what we've seen, but considering we've seen very little its impossible to truly gauge if he could possibly fit into the side. Perhaps he should turn up to training on a pogo-stick. If he did he'll be a shoe-in to partner JD.

Lawro is predicating us to lose away on Sunday. Looking at the state of their pitch I wouldn't be surprised, considering we struggle to score on grass that's green Christ only knows how we plan to play on the savaged mud marshes of Wigan. We tonked them 9-1 and since that day we've managed to lose our mojo which has seen us hiccup our way to where we are now. Still within touching distance. So perhaps rather than attempting to turn it on like Brazil 1970, we should simply be forced to dig deep and win. Otherwise we sink in the mud taking any hope of 4th down with us. Maybe Harry can mix it up a little with some long balls.

/tumbleweed coming through again

Still on the subject of Lawro and his opinions, he's apparently been telling everyone that Theo Walcott has to go to the World Cup. What the same player who's always injured and hardly does anything other than working on looking and acting like a glossed over arrogant twat so people can lay claim that he's possibly the next Henry? That Theo? Yeah, okay Lawro. Let's take someone to the World Cup based on potential. Jenas, if you're reading this, pack your suitcase.  If he (Theo) played for anyone other than Arsenal, he'd be out on loan to a Championship club right about now. Pace with no direction, and no end product. But he looks good with facial hair, so it's not all bad.

Carlton Cole to Spurs. Yep. When you thought it was safe to browse through the seedy underbelly of the internet (Spurs message boards) the ITK's are saying this is done and dusted for August. Rivaldo  also scheduled to finally complete his medical and sign for Spurs this summer.

Talking of West Ham, can I just say congratulations to Terry Dixon who has been called up to the Eire U21 squad. Two years out with a serious injury at a critical stage of his development, Spurs were amazingly patient, working to get him back to fitness - but then advised by specialists that he would have to retire. If any Irons are reading this, please get in touch. Would like to know how well he's doing in reserve team football. Considering Dixon was told he would never play professional football after his continued injury problems, I'm chuffed for the lad who seems to have unlimited determination and fight in him. Of course, he probably won't be half the player he was on course to becoming, but the kid is earning a living from kicking a ball, so that deserves a massive round of applause.

Seriously though. Carlton Cole?

Devastated to hear this week that Darren Bent has quit Twitter to concentrate on aiding Sunderland out of their slump. No, seriously, heart-broken. He's scored 16 goals this season so not sure how logging onto the internet and typing one sentence messages can quite possibly distract him from what happens out on the training pitch and during games. Obviously it doesn't because he's been scoring plenty. Perhaps the gap left in the world wide web can be filled by Peter Crouch. Would love to read his tweets about waking up next to Abbey Clancy.  Every morning. Does she wear panties in bed? PJs? Or perhaps just Chanel No5? I think these are important and vital questions. Questions that require answers (with accompanying photos for definitive clarity).

Final word saved for the enemy. Excellent back-pass, expertly touched with toe. Instinctive pick-up by the keeper. Superb release of the ball to the opposition and additional groan towards the linesman. Quick free-kick taken. Inspired blocking of the defender by the ref. Clever goal scored. Perfectly legal. Magical spasm on the touchline. David Lynch scripted excuse from the manager. Made me laugh out loud. With all the depression relating to our current dip in form, it's nice of them to provide everyone with a bit of comedy. Good work fellas. Keep it up.

'Bring me the head of Harry Redknapp'

Are people really calling for the head of Harry Redknapp to be served up on a plate with side salad and chips?

Apparently so. There was an article over at Football 365 that cited Guus Hiddink as a replacement (irony of Hiddink and his prior tax issues not lost on me). Are we doing it again? We're a point off 4th not struggling in the bottom three. Harry hasn't even had a full season in charge of the team yet. I know there were reasons for not wanting him in the first place, many to do with his general persona, self-centred priorities, West Ham connections, the fact he would probably up and leave if someone 'bigger' came in for him. And there are questions over his lack of tactical cutting edge to truly make battle with the Prem's disjointed elite. However - arguably - this is the first time he's been at a club of this type of stature. So perhaps he has a learning curve to get through before things even out for him. If he fails to prove he can manipulate the outcome of games with clever switches and substitutions - then the only person who will matter is Levy because he'll have to look at bringing in someone who aspires for absolute perfection (love to know where we can pick one up from).

Let's face it, if this current run of form is considered a 'crisis' then bloody hell, I wouldn't shrug at a couple of these a season if this is as bad as it gets. Think back not too long ago and compare.

Yep. Exactly. Not so depressing now is it?

I know that if we want a team that can seriously compete, then we need a winners mentality - one that is not drowned in self-pity and excuses. So I understand that accepting this current lull is not the way forward - but let's face it. We just don't have the right balance of players. Far too many apologetic personalities who seem to switch off far too easily. Too many remnants of the Tottenham disease remain dormant within the club. The comfort culture has yet to be eradicated.

I do agree there is plenty to suggest Redknapp is not the man with the tools to exterminate every last infestation. But his early work at Spurs is evidence enough that he can inspire and muster up spirit and pride.

Things are not quite right at the minute but they're a long way off from being disastrous, and with 12 games left and 3 additional more required for a potential Wembley trip - we can't frown and start throwing our season tickets at the directors box just yet (I'll give word for when to do so).

There is no room for another sideways step. Consistency and avoidance of another transitional season is of the utmost importance. Otherwise, what's the point? Knee-jerking at the first sign of trouble is truly the most gutless of solutions and will simply set us back, again.

Maybe fans need a fix every couple of seasons. People find it easier to cope with disappointment when there is a brand new start made, one that begins with a new face at the helm. Patience is not a valuable commodity in modern day football and cutting our losses and re-booting seems to get everyone up for yet another journey/adventure. Like a tap of a vein and the roll back of eyes, we get high off it.

Stability is holding the hand of patience, lost and without a compass. I personally think Harry can bring that stability to the club

If Harry doesn't quite make things work (this season or next or because of matters of a non-footballing nature) the issue at hand will be altogether a completely different type of beast. Considering we'd have tried everything (ex-legends, continental, back to basics - to name a few) the only remaining option would be Jack the Ripper. Someone to expertly rip out the guts. Last thing we need is someone who appeases the current batch. I'd love to see a manager at Spurs, in his first press conference, sit down and state 'this was a big club, it isn't anymore' rather than talk us up and quote the Glory days and how we deserve to be successful.

Can we start to write history than simply quote it all the time? I continue to live in hope.

There are many other clubs that aspire to break up the monopoly. They’ve probably not spent as much money as we have. But the fact remains - Rome wasn't built in a day. And it’s a sad fact, breaking the top 4 is not an easy task. As long as were knocking on its door then we're doing something right. Putting our foot through it is the next step forwards. Whether it's Harry's…we'll have to wait and see.

It seems when we were doing very well everyone was happy to support him and shout that he could possibly lead us to the Holy Grail. If Harry was simply a quick-fix interim who saved us from relegation, then let's just play out the season first before we pass further judgement. Support him and our fragmented team until the very end.

It's not over yet. The moment it is, I'll let you know. I'll be selling Redknapp effigies outside the ground for you to string up to your hearts content.

Seven sure-fire ways for Spurs to score from the penalty spot

1) Draft in Derren Brown to create the illusion that the penalty has already been taken and saved and while the keeper punches the air in celebration, the penalty taker can simply slot the ball into an open goal without any concern that it might be kept out.

2) Play the ball ever so slightly forwards to allow a second player to run into the penalty area and strike the ball to confuse the keeper and score with arrogant ease. It's so easy, its impossible to fail! Impossible!

3) If the match is officiated by Howard Webb, simply wear a Man Utd shirt under the Spurs shirt and give him a sneaky look at the colours. Don't fret if you don't score first time round - Webby will let you take it until you firmly slot the ball into the back of the net. Wheel away and celebrate and if Webb happens to skid past you on his knees slapping his chest just do as he does to avoid a potential yellow card for failure to appease The Church of United.

4) Have a random bit of totty in a sexy short skirt and tight top flirting with the penalty taker from behind the goal holding up a banner stating 'Score this and you score with me'.

5) Don't take the penalty. If the ref questions this and blows his whistle repeatedly, simply explain that you have already taken the penalty. If he states you haven’t because the ball is still on the spot, tell him that in essence he is only half correct. The metaphysical presence of the ball is on the spot but it's journey from there to the goal is one that has already taken place many times before. Then explain that to get through the hardest journey we need to take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. Proceed to shuffle in front of the ball never striking it, and then sit down and mediate for 4 hours.

6) Pick up the ball run towards the goal and then dive across the line making sure the ball (cradled in your arms) touches the ground as your body skids on the grass. Let everyone know you just invented a new version of football and then form a new breakaway league where handball is allowed. If the ref tries to argue this already happened back in 1823, let him know that history only began in 1990 and anything prior to that date is null and void. The ref will have to allow the goal.

7) A months wage docked for any penalty that isn't scored. Special DVD release for successful scorer with accompanying 'Where were you when XXXX scored from the spot?'

Paying the penalty, over and over again...

I asked for swagger. What we got in the first forty five minutes was not swagger. It was a hellmouth of atrociousness. No shape, no fluidity, no composure. Granted Bolton are spoilers, a side that will get in your face and stop you from playing, but let's not exaggerate. This is no longer Big Sam's anti-football on show at the Reebok. It's a far more timid version and regardless of our poor record up there you'd hope we’d at least attempt to match their tenacity. But oh no. This is Tottenham and once more we failed to see any of our esteemed players capture that early to mid season form which was spent chasing down opposition players, applying pressure and generally bossing teams and picking them off with comparative ease. I'm not even exaggerating, we looked the part back then. But with each passing week we appear to be forgetting how to play as a unit. Granted, no Lennon means we lose a vital dimension to our play. But this goes beyond not having the little man in the side because our decline began when he was fit and playing.

So we got battered for 45 minutes, looked absolutely lost and lacked any sort of spark. They're calling it a game of two halves and that's just about the best tagline you can give the match. Although it wasn't until the 60th minute that we awoke. Two moments that saw the ball hit the woodwork (for any other team, it would have sneaked in but we seem to will the ball over safely thanks to our desperation for relying on any anything that resembles luck). But when the goal did come (Defoe lashing it in) I almost felt a moment of over zealous confidence. We're going to win. The assault continued, can hardly remember Bolton doing that much in the second half so when the penalty was awarded, I jumped up and punched the air in delight, dancing a jig of joy followed by some break-dancing.

I'm fibbing, that wasn't how I reacted. I infact feel to the ground (Wengeresque) with my head in the palms of my hands. Because I knew, I just knew that more misery would be compounded on us. That it's not enough that its taken one hour to get going, we're now going to see victory wave a fleeting goodbye and disappear, to be seen next under floodlights.

What? You telling me you honestly thought we'd score?

When Huddlestone stood there ready, there was a moment, half a second, that had me thinking he would drill the ball towards the goal. The fundamental issue with penalties remains one of mental strength. If there is 1% doubt in your mind, you're likely to over-think how to take the kick and probably fail to simply rely on instincts and the natural obvious method.

i.e. Decide where to strike the ball before you put the ball on the spot, then strike it with power to the pre-determined target area.

The moment Tommy started to do the shuffle I laughed. If that wasn't a 'I don't know how to take this penalty' moment, then I don't know what it. He placed his shot. Placed it. Tommy 'I have a thunderous thunderous shot on me and can't half it hard' decided to softly softly place the ball allowing for a comfortable save. Yes, I know, its 50/50 with pens. Had the keeper guessed wrong we'd have scored. But why leave it to percentages? Pick a far corner of the goal, left or right, doesn't matter. Then drill the sonofabitch towards it. Damn it, Tommy, we know, you know…you can hit a ball with venom. It's usually moving. Here, it’s a dead ball and what do you decide to do? Caress it.

I say give the next one to BALE BALE BALE.

Anyways, if we get past Bolton we've got Fulham away. So we go from one bogey away side to another.

Rejoice.

COYS. In it to win it.

Swagger, let's be 'aving you...

Away to Bolton in the Cup. And a couple of main ingredients I'm looking for today is fluidity and some self-respect. Shocking display at Wolves. It's in the past, nothing we can do about it now. Other than use it as a springboard for improvement. Modric and Wilson to start thank you very much. As a unit we need to be a 1000 times more focused and apply the right tempo to the game rather than just ghost through 90 minutes with no direction or intent.

4th is the priority we keep hearing. That's fine, but if you're still in the FA Cup, then on the day the tie being played is the priority. Wembley is within sight, if not quite within touching distance. It's only 90 minutes of football and in those 90 minutes the opportunity to boost confidence and form is one that can not be pushed aside because of other aspirations. Especially aspirations that are currently clogged in the great drain of hope, clinging on for dear life, avoiding the finality of being washed away.

So on the subject of ingredients, there is a third that remains missing in action. One that we are desperate for and one that has been synonymous with Tottenham and the FA Cup in years gone past.

Swagger.

Shirts pulled out, socks rolled down Lilywhite swagger and pomp. And with swagger comes cutting edge. Christ, we have the players to do it. We've seen them do it. But there's been a lack of evidence in recent games and rather shirts pulled out and socks rolled down, too many of our players have just skipped the casual look and gone straight for the pyjamas, sleeping through games. Wolves away the sum of all the parts we've witnessed recently as we continue to fall off the pace.

Time to wake up. No better place to display rejuvenation and redemption than live on tv in the 5th round of the FA Cup.

Step, step up...