the truth is not quite out there at the minute

If you believe the tabloids Harry is considering selling Modric and replacing him with Joe Cole. Richardson is an £8M target and for some reason Gareth Barry is mentioned as a possibility when in all probability he is more likely to go to Arsenal. And then there's the story in the Sunday Mirror about the Portsmouth takeover and the suggestion that the new owners want to bring in Redknapp for what would be his third reign at the club.

Shocking.

To make matters even worse, this is meant to be the new Spurs kit (sponsorless for the moment):

More rumourwhoring here including source for above

Shocking.

It’s Sunday. Still time for me to go to church and pray that the truth will out. And that it’s a little less ugly than it’s looking at the moment.

Does Bill Simmons still 'support' Tottenham?

Out of the blue, I've just had one of those blasts from the past moments. Back in the summer of 2006, ESPN columnist Bill Simmons began his search for a EPL club to support. Staggeringly, he chose Tottenham (just clicky on this to read his concluding notes) probably inspired by one of his readers who suggested, "If you want a team that will absolutely crush your spirit, you must support Spurs". Simmons obviously loves the eternal struggle of an underdog and the romance of us being named after a Shakespearian character.

Not too sure what happened after this. I was expecting weekly updates during the season as he followed us on another transitional mess. I think in the end I give us much attention to it as he did to us.

I guess it was all just a summer fling, a flirtation with limey football that came to nothing much. In fact, I'm certain that he later changed his mind and regretted his decision citing that he should have chosen Newcastle United instead. Yep, Newcastle. He knows his shit does Bill.

Bill, if you read this may I suggest Chelsea as your next port of call?

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley

Episode III

Gareth: Morning.
David: Morning.
Gareth: What you got there?
David: Dice.
Gareth: Dice?
David: It's part of my new life style. It's going to help me become the superstar I know I am.
Gareth: How so?
David: I roll a die and depending on the number it settles on, I do whatever's associated with the number.
Gareth: I don't get it.
David: Each side of the die has a number on it, right? Each number has an option that I give it so when its rolled and it settles on, I don't know, number four…I do whatever the option for number four is.
Gareth: How do you decide on the options?
David: They're predetermined. I have different options for the six sides of the die depending on the day of the week or where I am.
Gareth: So the die is keeper of your destiny?
David: That’s quite profound Gareth. And yes, that's exactly it. Gives me an edge if I force myself to do what the die tells me. It's like a constant test of nerve and challenge to help me excel.
Gareth: Cool. So what options have you got today?
David: Well, with training just finished, I've got some social options available to me.
Gareth: Neat. You gonna roll then?
David: Yes.
Gareth: What options you got?
David: Options are:

1. Do something different with my hair
2. Find a skip and kick a ball in it
3. Go home and wash my hair
4. Star-jump in front of anyone with a camera
5. Highlight my hair
6. Comb my hair

Gareth: Go on, roll it, roll it…
David: It's number five.
Gareth: Sweet.
David: I know.
Gareth: Do you have options for when you're playing football?
David: Yeah. I carry a die with me and roll it when I'm bending down to tie my boot laces.
Gareth: Where do you keep the die?
David: In my hair.
Gareth: Oh, so that's why you're always fixing it.
David: Clever, hey?
Gareth: Yeah. So what options you got for games?
David: I've got:

1. Hit ball cross field with outside of foot
2. Flick the ball or showboat no matter who is around you
3. Attempt to pass with Zidane quality to nearest man
4. Try to score, regardless of the angle
5. Bend it like Beckham
6. Try something that's not been attempted before on the field of play

Gareth: Wow.
David: I know. I'm just setting myself high standards so even in failure, I succeed.


Later that season…

Gareth: Hey.
David: Hey.
Gareth: You on the bench today?
David: Probably. You?
Gareth: Same.
David: I just can't put my finger on what went wrong.
Gareth: Same here. You still got the dice?
David: I got rid of them. Reckon they were cursed. Only managed to get on Soccer AM once.


In the gaffers office…

Kevin: Harry, I don't think you're doing this right.
Harry: Yes I am.
Kevin: What you writing down then?
Harry: Self promotional media friendly sound bites for press conferences and post-match interviews. All I need to do is roll the die beforehand and do as it tells me. Helps me mix it up a little if I let destiny guide me.
Kevin: What you got for number one?
Harry: I've got 'two points in eight games'.
Kevin: And for number two?
Harry: Two points, eight games.
Kevin: Three?
Harry Two points, eight games.
Kevin: They're all two points eight games aren't they?
Harry: Yes.
Kevin: Harry, you're meant to have different options for each side of the die.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: What?
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Why are you rolling the die now?
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Ha ha, very funny.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Harry, you ok?
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: Stop rolling the die.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: HARRY FOR GODS SAKE STOP ROLLING THE DIE. STOP IT.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: STOP IT HARRY.
Harry: Two points eight games.
Kevin: JESUS MAN, GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NECK.
Harry: Two points eight games...

Ep I

Ep II

Chimbo, Pav and Bent: Love them. Hate them.

Morning. More DML awards celebrating the end of the 2009 season. Enjoy.

Most Confusing Transfer

Imagine buying something from a shop. Second hand, but it's in decent nick. You try to get the best out of the item but it leaves you feeling a little empty. And as time goes by you actually get a little annoyed with having it laying around the house, unused. So, you stick it on eBay and not long after you've sold it for a tidy sum. You replace the item with one or two new ones which you are more than happy with and you get on with your life. Then, not long after, you get back on eBay and buy the original item back. No real reason. It was just there. Available. It's back in your ownership. Only to then leave it laying around the house once more unused.

Welcome to the Pascal Chimbonda Show. A transfer shenanigan too far. I'm not going to mention Willie McKay and his ties to Harry and the fact he is Pascal's agent. Apart from just then. Let's move on.

In pure footballing terms I attempted to justify the return of Chimbo by telling myself that we have got him back to do a specific job. Utility Man. He's a right-back but he can play on the left (not that well) and as a centre-back (not too shabby) so we have plenty of cover if need be and considering our plight at the time, we needed some cover and strength. I'm probably wrong, but I can only remember one appearance made since he re-signed. He might have made more. But I'm struggling to even remember the appearance that I do remember, well sort of remember. Corluka has slotted into the centre-back position when required. Before his injury, Dawson helped out if King was unavailable. Hutton - who has been lost to injury for an absolute age and prior to it was having a nightmare season on the pitch, has found himself back in the first team ahead of Pascal. Although there might be an element of 'shop window' with that - who knows. As for the left-side, that belongs to BAE.

Honestly, why did we re-sign this bloke if he never plays? Answers, postcard…etc.


The Honorary Rebrov Award for Patience

He's tired. Unfit. Russian. Can't speak the language. New to the country. New to English culture. Living in a hotel (until recently). Spotted in Waltham Abbey Tesco with a man-bag. Played a full Russian season and the European Championships. Did I mention he's tired?

Roman Pavlyuchenko was signed for £14M as a Robbie Keane replacement. Or was he meant to be a Berbatov replacement? Or was he meant to be a brand new type of forward altogether? His own man.

He turned up all smiles (a vast improvement on the sulky Bulgarian) but failed to make the same type of impact, leaving us with frowns. Once more, much like Bentley, several sound-bites started to do the rounds about how (as mentioned already) Roman was tired and unfit and possibly injured. Rushed into playing for Spurs and thus making things more difficult for him to adapt. Not his fault we were desperate to have someone who could help get us out of the bottom of the table, but typical Spurs that we would force the issue with a brand new signing in this manner. Even more typical Spurs that we would sign Roman in the first place. For the money we did. All things considered, when you've just lost two big players in Keane and Berbatov you need to make sure that the money spent is for a can-hit-the-ground-running type of forward. Berba took his time to adapt and get into the swing of things, but you could tell he oozed class and was doing everything else fine. Then the goals flowed.

With Roman, you want to believe he will have something to offer when he is completely refreshed and content with life in England. But at the moment, all we see is a player with that apologetic Bambi look about him, failing to control the ball with his first touch and always ballooning it over the bar when he has time to look up and shoot. He can stick them away ok when in front of goal. Poaching isn't a problem for him. And he can hold the ball up fairly well. But there is no obvious stand-out vision or that little spark of world-class about him. For an extra £6M or so we could have signed Arshavin (or possibly not considering that Zenit were/are a pain the backside to deal with). But you get my point. £14M for someone who isn't 100% is a massive massive gamble especially when it all feels like the second prize in a raffle.

Shades of when we signed Armstrong and Arsenal signed Bergkamp.

I've been a stern defender of Roman from the start. Ask "the bloke who stands next to me with all the sound-bites" at the Lane. He thinks the player is f**king shit. And many others think we've spunked a ton of money (again) on the wrong type of striker.

Interpreter running up and down the training field translating instructions, whispers of a transfer away and and struggle to learn English - one or two are expecting him to move on (escape) shortly. Others would prefer to see how he performs after a summers rest and decent pre-season. He could still turn out to be great. But that would mean that what we've seen so far (all the negative stuff) is down to circumstances fitness and that he can actually shoot on target from distance and does have a silky first touch.

One positive, and it's a big one I guess, is that regardless of the criticism, he's still notched up several goals. So he can't be that bad, can he?

Which brings me onto...


Much Maligned Player of the Season

He's our top goal scorer. And yet he is perceived as the most likely to be sold in the summer months. Here's a player that at one point wasn't considered as good as Harry Redknapps wife. A player that many Spurs fans believe is not right for our side. Too one-dimensional. Can only really play to full effect if we take up a Charltonesque style of counter-attacking football. Type of tactic that works away from home, where Bent has has plenty of success. In any other type of formation he struggles. He struggles because he doesn't offer that much in the way of team play. It's a running joke, counting the amount of times he touches the ball in a game. He can disappear for long periods and appear isolated. He doesn't come deep or bring others into the game. He just floats around. Goal-hangs if you will.

So what does Darren Bent to exactly?

He scores. Whether it flies off his ankle or hits his bum, Darren Bent sticks the ball into the onion bag.

So, why do we not rate him again?

The argument in support of Bent usually sounds like this: ''Well he scores goals, so what else do you want? Isn't the point of a forward to score goals? Does it matter how he scores them as long as he does?"

It's a good point isn't it? But would you say he is as consistent as a Gary Lineker? Or offers more to us than Jermain Defoe? People who do not rate him will be quite vocal in the fact that - for example - a partnership of Keane and Berbatov will offer an abundance more than a partnership of Keane and Bent. So for £16M you'd expect to have a player who can create and craft and generally offer a lot more than just, well, scoring.

I know, I know. It's sort of a paradox. But the point is - we could have someone in there who is overall a more all-round type of forward.

The irony is, we are linked with the likes of Jones (Heskey clone) and already have Pavlyuchenko.

Better the devil you know? I'm wondering, if he does end up going, whether we end up regretting it.

I'm going to gamble and say: No. No we won't.

More awards on their way.

For the full list, including the previous DML Award articles, just click here. Or use the tag below this post.

Understanding the £20M Spurs bid for Kenwyne Jones

Two men having a conversation:

"Hello guv, I was just walking past and noticed that hedge-trimmer on your lawn and was wondering if I could buy it off you. I'll pay you £20,000"

"Sorry, you'll do what?"

"£20,000 for the hedge-trimmer right there"

"You live across the road don't you? You've already got a hedge-trimmer and a grass-cutter and a couple of lawn mowers. Why would you possibly want this one. It's no better than what you have already?"

"The ones I have belonged to the previous owner. He left them behind. I prefer your hedge-trimmer. Reckon it will do a better job. Looks reboust, a little akward perhaps, but reckon it can do the job far more effectively"

"Better than what you've got already?"

"I think so"

"For £20,000? It's only worth £50"

"Ok. I understand"

"Great. Now you'll leave me alone?"

"No. I'll pay you £40,000 for the trimmer"

"Look mate, I don't need the money, ok? Leave us, me, alone"

"Sorry, what?"

"I'd like to keep my hedge-trimmer thank you very much. I don't need the extra cash, ok?"

"Let me get this straight. I just offered you £40,000 for a hedge-trimmer and you're turning it down?"

"Yes. The trimmer is happy where it is thank you very much. It's happy, I'm happy, my garden is happy"

"That's a bid of £40,000 for a hedge-trimmer that on reflection is probably not value for money compared to what I own already and if I walk down the High Road and shop around I'll probably find a better model and yet you don't want to take the money?"

"Nope. I have a rich American uncle"

"But it's like me offering you £10,000 for that flowerpot over there. It's only worth 60p. How can you possibly reject my bid? It's ludicrous!"

"How can you possibly make such a ludicrous bid in the first place?"

A moments silence follows.

"I'm mental I am"

"So am I"


The end.

100% Nailed on and done and dusted

We all love reading through message boards and finding snippets relating to possible transfer deals from the cryptic people who are in the know or have deep throat connections to the club. So it brings me much pleasure to share with you some exclusive extracts from the soon to be published book 'Diary of a ITK'.

Day twenty-three

Still in bed. Can't confirm for sure. Bed sheets not covering me so might get up shortly. 80% chance of shower. But it's touch and go with breakfast. This is the bottom line and we just have to wait and see what happens.

-

Ok for all you doubters. I got up. Don't expect an announcement until later whether I'm still going ahead with the shower. Might wash my teeth. Mouthwash a real possibility.

-

My sources say it's happening. This is nailed on. Sausage toasted sandwich. Can confirm its HP and I'll be eating this whilst reading the morning paper.

-

Walking down the high street towards the bus stop. Just saw Tom Huddlestone in Burger King.

-

Currently at bus stop waiting for a bus. Cant say anymore at the moment. Confident of getting on the bus as it's better than walking. Taxi is well down the pecking order as its too expensive.

-

There's a girl on the bus and she's looked over at me a couple of times. Don't ask me how or why or where it came from. Let's just see what happens.

-

She's still staring. I would love to talk to her but it aint that simple. I can't go into things but its complicated so will need a little longer to assess. Hopefully she'll be here tomorrow. I expect this to play out a little longer.

-

Here comes the bus. Hope it stops so I can get on. There's a real chance of this happening.

-

Just spoke to my friend on my mobile and he knows someone and have been told the girl at the bus stop likes me but would expect a dinner date rather than a trip to the cinema. He's a pretty crediable source but what often happens is - the blind date is 100% lined-up and agreed and then either she or her mates pull the plug which is why these things sometimes don't work out. Always a better deal elsewhere.

-

Got off at my destination. Just need to do a little bit more walking. Confident this will happen. Otherwise will stand motionless.

-

I'm now at The Lodge. Weather is overcast. Might rain. Might not. Don't shoot the messenger.

-

Spurs players are training. There appears to be some activity in the car park. I need a closer look. Will climb that tree over there to get a closer look.

-

Hanging from branch. Can't see a sodding thing from here.

-

It's a bit nippy out. Just seen a plumber arrive at the Lodge. I fancy a cup of tea and a bit of Football Manager 2009. Will start making my way back home now. Should be done and dusted in the next hour.

-

Later that evening, posted in a Tottenham message board:

CRUISE HAVING MEDICAL AT LODGE DEAL ALMOST DONE SIGNED SEALED AND DEILVERRED 65% DONE EXPECT CONFERENCE TOMORROW OR MAYBE DAY AFTER IF IT DOESN’T HAPEN PERSNAL TERMS THE ISSUE

The diary will be available from all good book shops in June. Maybe July. Possibly August. Cost? £4.99 but might rise to £7.98.

Bentley you're my zero....I mean hero...

Morning all. The DML Awards continue...

Player of the Season

It’s like something out of a comic book or the tv show Heroes. The main protagonist has lost his powers and is disillusioned and alone. Past glories a distant memory, doubts lingering as to whether he'll be able to regain his talent. And then a new beacon of hope takes centre stage and surely now the day is lost. But alas, this new dashing superman is more zero than hero. And with the centre stage empty again, our protagonist decides its now or never and reaches out for the bright lights, reclaiming that which was his all along. A star is re-born.

The menacing pace. The unplayable jinking runs. It's suddenly clear to all that his full abilities have returned.

Aaron Lennon is back.

With intent and purpose. And with improved end product and an eye for goal. Whether its on the right or left or through the middle, ball at feet, he causes havoc and is altogether a different type of creative outlet than the more subtle craftwork of the cultured Modric. Aaron is far more in your face and then in front of your face and then about five metres ahead of your face. Counter-attacking has never been so much fun.

Harry still has work to do with developing the lads composure and decision making and there is no doubt he has to improve his final ball - but the signs that progression has been made are there for all to see.

He is the player of the season for us simply because he has epitomised the type of determination that has pulled us out of the mire and up the table. Where the £15M Bentley has stalled, Lennon has raced away. Confident and assured. Always threatening. Bums constantly off seats, when he's full pelt.

We have been here before with Lennon. Last time out he failed to live up to the hype. He now has to do just that otherwise it's not just him that will suffer the consequences.

Goal of the Season

Sit down, buckle up. Because you're about to read something that would constitute positively in the way of David Bentley. The goal - the opening goal - in the thrilling 4-4 derby day classic at the Emirates was one of ridiculous audacity. It's one of those attempts that hits the back of the net because destiny will not allow otherwise. There's no way its not going to be a goal. The flick and the hit and the second before it happened is where this beauty of a strike was birthed. As the ball was bouncing around on peoples heads in the middle of the park and found its way towards Bentley, what raced through his mind?

"I'll have a crack. If it goes in, it goes in"
"He's off his line, I could lob the ball over him"

I prefer to believe nothing much went through his head. Which arguably most would agree is the standard brain activity of most footballers.

Bentley instinctively shot towards goal because in that moment he knew he could score. You've done it yourself I'm sure. Goal of your life on the Hackney Marshes when you've chested it, controlled and hit it and next thing you know its breaking the back of the net and you wheel off in celebration asking yourself, 'how the heck did I just do that?'

The moment Bentley thought about doing it is the moment he scored. Before the ball even left his foot. It was a majestic wonderful moment. And sweet for the fact that he once played for them lot and is always prone to a bit of abuse from their home support.

If he never plays for us again, at least he left us with the memory of a goal that left all that witnessed it gob smacked.

More to follow...

Wilson Palacios is a legend

DML Awards

With a couple of months to go before pre-season kicks off, I thought it best to spread the season review and 'awards' across several blog articles. Keep things short and snappy (for a change).

So first up the first batch of player awards.

Best Summer Signing

Lickle Luka Modric. The impish looking lad that was written off before he even kicked a ball in the EPL. Not strong enough cited old man Wenger from the depths of his swamp. He'd be blown away like a crisp packet in a storm if you cared to believe some of the punditry dished out early season. And there were moments when we almost believed it to be true as we held our heads in our hands watching Spurs slump from one game to the next. Luka, looking lost and struggling. And then in came saviour Harry and with each passing game the Croatian began to find his feet and dink about with confidence. All thanks to a little bit of balance and team structure. From the left, cutting in with purpose, there was plenty of crafting and clever balls and the odd goal too. There is absolutely no doubting this blokes ability and he has conducted play from midfield with freedom and much glee giving us a spark that most thought had gone with Berbatov's departure to United. He took time to settle, as expected, and has proven he has a touch of the world class about him. Lovely player, proper Tottenham sort, who will no doubt improve further next season and grab a few more goals. Luka Moddle indeed.


Worst Player

Difficult one this. Should the accolade be awarded to someone who has played few games based on the fact they are woeful or someone who has been selected time and time again regardless of the fact they are woeful? Or perhaps it should be given to the player who played several games whilst being woeful and then hardly figured after that. Such was the woefulness.

Step forward, Mr David Bentley. Personal problems have been cited along with the pressures of a massive transfer fee as the main excuses for his non-existent form. Others would suggest being played out on the left-hand side destroyed him. So what exactly happened to Beckham MkII? Where did it all go wrong?

Much like most of the side in those opening eight games, there was no cohesion or belief. But where others clawed their way back up from mediocrity, Bentley was left behind with his head buried in the sand. He was devoid of all the basics. Simple passes and crosses were an impossible tasks for the lad. Everything had to be Hollywood and came off looking a ITV. That Goal against Arsenal could have been and should have been the opportunity to reclaim some of the hype, but alas, it wasn’t to be. He got worse with each game. The worst of them, a depressingly bad display against Burnley in the home leg of the semi-final.

For the money spent on a player that was not a necessity in the first place who then found himself pushed out of the right side to make way for a blistering Aaron Lennon, you feel his dream move turning into a nightmare was possibly the reason his fragile ego collapsed with no apparent sign of recovery. It's looking highly likely that Bentley will be sold on - for a loss - in the summer, allowing Harry to sign another right-back (probably).

It's been shambloic.


Best Comeback Player

According to Alan Hansen, Gomes was the worst Premier League goal keeper he had ever seen. This coming from a man who played in a side with Bruce Grobelaar in goal. There is no doubting the fact that our Brazilian lank was the very definition of calamity during the period of time that we took backwards steps away from the upper regions of the table. He likes punching the ball. And he likes running out, jumping, and claiming it. In a winning side that defends well, you can do this sort of clean-up work with that extra buzz of confidence instilled by the fact that all is well and you're protected. When the team is crap and you make a mistake or two then the mistakes keep on rolling, especially when you start thinking too much instead of reacting instinctively.

It gets even worse when you try even harder to do your job - all eyes on you, the slightest normal run of the mill error suddenly becomes yet another joke piece of goalkeeping. The media are relentless with the jokes and comedy commentary. But rather apologetically implode like Paul Robinson did, Gomes knowing and believing he is a player of quality, dug deep. And even when the media ignored his improvement and concentrated on any little thing ('oh look he came for the ball and didn't quite make contact no other keeper ever does that') he continued to work hard until it was impossible for anyone to ignore his assured confidence and superb smart saves. With several clean sheets and a big smile, Gomes has been outstanding for us.

His spirit should be commended.


Best Winter Signing

When Wilson Palacios was signed, various sound bites did the rounds.

"£14M? It's madness!"
"He looked great at Wigan because he's a good player in an average team"

The usual 'OMG what have we gone and done?' reactions followed thanks to the countless inflated transfer fees spent on players not worth even a quarter of the price.

Yet it wasn't long before Wilson marshalled the midfield like a general. He displayed qualities that we had only ever seen in those rare blink and you'll miss 'em moments. But now we were being spoilt by the bite and tenacity on show. With all the money that has been at our disposal over the years and the incriminating evidence in the way of weak performances proving our backbone was softer than a teddy bear sleeping on a sea of feathers, why had it taken so long to sign a player of his ilk? Palacios has brought composure and discipline allowing others to blossom offensively while he bosses the park, crunching tackle here and block there and clever professional foul over there. Staggering that we have failed to fill this gap time and time again. It was a risk to spend the money that we did on The Panther, but then having spent an abundance on players in the past the risk was only ever going to be more egg on an already egg covered face.

Palacios has been undoubtedly one of the signings of the season. You wonder how the likes of Arsenal, desperate for a defensive/holding midfielder, didn't smart their way to his signature. Spurs finally have a tough hard working warrior who constantly puts himself about for the team. Selfless and proud. A proper player that has given us an air of authenticity in the way of fight and that we can now handle ourselves against teams that would usually brush us aside. Bring in another player with this type of winning mentality and slot him by the side of Wilson and our midfield might just explode with challenging class.

Next up - Player of the Year, Goal of the Season and more.

Some WAGS just ooze class

Click on this link. That's Danielle Lloyd laying on the floor, battered and bloody, having been hurled backwards into a glass table at a night club by a couple of female clubbers who were busy dancing on the back of a VIP sofa. She was left needing emergency plastic surgery. Jamie was left needing a lobotomy for going out with her in the first place.

£9K a week and the best he can do is a West End night club where the bouncers can't even stop a catfight. Lloyd is a magnet for trouble who seems to jump from one footballer to the next as often as Joey Barton picks up litter.

I still would.

Lloyd that is. Not Barton. That would be hideous.

'Let's Relegate Newcastle' - Ended Edition

It would appear this long running series has worked.

And as I sit here, party hat on head, smoking a Cuban cigar, I’m wondering if I’m over doing the celebrating. But it is the Bank Holiday weekend, and Newcastle United are now a Championship side. Which, obviously, means that Match of the Day next season will be watchable thanks to the fact that any potential extra smugness has been edged off Mr Shearer who would have been positively insufferable had he returned to the sofa as the messiah that saved the Toon from relegation. I know it’s a selfish self-satisfying wish to see him fail simply for my dislike of his footballing persona. But that’s just me. And sure, the irony of all this is that their failure to defeat Fulham at St James Park almost certainly cost them their Premier League status and in a twist of fate stopped us from claiming a late great entry into the Europa League. Although that’s very much forced irony as the first two months of the season truly cost us any real chance of European football.

The scenes at Villa Park were grim for the Geordies. Tears and broken hearts that we might have experienced ourselves up at Anfield had our players not reacted to the appointment of Harry Redknapp. To be completely truthful – I do feel a little sympathetic for their fans. Just a little. Because that could have been us. But if it was, we’d get so much in the way of abuse and laughter directed our way that it’s only right to laugh back. Just a little.

Fifteen players on 50k per week or more, Owen apparently takes up around 10% of their overall wage budget – this is a club that has to avoid the Leeds United syndrome or run the risk of remaining in the lower leagues for several years as they rebuild from the bottom up. Slowly slowly. They might not have a choice now their 16 years in the top flight is over.

Their defeat at Villa summed up their miserable season, unable to muster up any form of possession and sustained determination to bully their way to a final day result. A Barry mis-shot going nowhere deflected into the goal by Duff. 1-0 Villa. The dream is over.

At one point during this season, we were the worst side in the Prem. No self pride or respect for the badge. No urgency or spirit. No passion or will to win. It was always in there somewhere, and it re-emerged with the players led by an experienced manager who dragged the club out of the mire and high above all the depression down below.

Match of the Day, season 2010: Watchable

We make mistakes at Spurs. But clubs in our position (non-Sky Sports Top Four©) are forced into it as we strive to desperately get within touching distance of the Champions League. The impatience that is siphoned through the fans and media and into the boardroom results in a fragmented seasonal journey. But in comparison to Newcastle United, we run a tight ship. When things go wrong, we are more hotel cabaret than a circus of clowns you’ll find up in the North East.

Mike Ashley, owner of Newcastle, and fan who might actually be a Spurs/Arsenal/West Ham supporter – who along with Paul Kemsley apparently attempted to buy Spurs (phew) is responsible more than anyone for the mess up there. Attempting to appease yourself to fans by downing pints and wearing club colours to games says all you need to know about the superficiality of his tenure at the club. His decisons drowned in a suffocating ocean of naivety.

The sacking of Big Sam and appointment of King Kev illustrates that he was driven by supporter-power. An almost ‘I’m one of the people and will go forth and do what the people want’ ethos which has never amounted to much in the past.

Villa's got Talent

Remember Allardyce standing in the technical area, with two or three Newcastle fans standing up to the right of him singing ‘You don’t know what you’re doing’? It would seem no one at Newcastle does. Sure the football wasn’t pretty under Big Sam but it’s doubtful they would been relegated if all fans and directors held out for a little longer. Playing a certain style and sacrificing other more ugly necessities to retain that beautiful football ethic is something that hasn’t worked too often – so why not suck it all up and wait and see what direction it all takes. When we had Graham at the Lane you can argue our reaction at times was a little similar to those at St James Park – but times have changed. As seen by the appointment of Harry Redknapp – something us Spurs fans could not have dreamt of 5 years ago.

You might not like it, you might not agree with it. It's different to what's come before. But don't dismiss it until it's had a chance.

Instead, in came Keegan for a short cameo. Then off he went thanks to Dennis Wise. Joe Kinnear briefly took the helm and then Alan Shearer – linked to the club several times already – finally decides to get off his MotD sofa and attempt to save the club, with just 8 games left. Obviously understanding that he can’t lose as no matter the final outcome, he is one of the clubs untouchables.

But lose he did.

Hearing his post-match interview speech, he made no excuses and was up front and gave an honest assessment of the season as a whole blaming everyone – including himself – for the mess the club are in. IMO, a brilliant piece of PR spin giving off a modest forthright conclusion which will now lead to plenty ‘will he stay or will he go’ Sky Sports News sound-bites. Anyone could describe the wrongs of Newcastles season because it was blantantly obvious to anyone who follows football why they've finished third from bottom.

But if Shearer really did take stock of the Newcastle United legacy he would have told Mike Ashley that appointing another messiahesque publicity media fan friendly manager was exactly the wrong type of decision that has pummelled them into the Championship. He should never have taken the job.

For Ashley, appointing a legend would mean if they failed to stay up, the blame wouldn’t be as crucifying an affair because it’s Alan Shearer who took them down. The mentality here is, if Shearer can't save them no one can. The reality is, someone with years of experience might have. Or possibly not. The players have been half arsed for most of the season and only a fool would have risked taking the job.

For Shearer it was already a difficult task and considering what came before, the overall blame is shared by many. And that’s his fail-safe. The reason he could take the job in the first place, knowing full well that he could assess how best to go forward and whether he believes himself to be up for the job. The fact he is being considered actually proves nothing has been learnt.

If Shearer wasn’t an ex-Newcastle player, what other credentials does he possess to be a manager and help a club that's in such a perilous position? Just because you are idolised doesn’t mean you can galvanise.

Ashley should have replaced Allardyce (having decided to get rid of him) with a Redknapp style appointment. Although Sam was probably meant to be just that in the first place.

Apparently Shearer is the only one who can bring them back up again, even though he practically admitted he has failed the club. How about, I don't know it's a zany thing to suggest but perhaps an experienced coach as the next appointment? Even - shock horror - someone who has no ties to Newcastle United. Enough of the fantasy football fairytale. Buckle up and bite the bullet.

I wish them luck but with the likes of Ashley at the club, I'm not certain they will find it easy. Would help if they had players that aspired to have the same passion as their fans. But alas, everyone up there is a little delusional.

So, here we are. The upside of it is we can all safely watch Match of the Day next season knowing we only have to put up with Hansen and Lawerson. Don't worry. I have plans for them too.

Now, excuse me. I’ve got another cigar to smoke.

8th spot is the new 4th

Tottenham: Not good for your health.

One moment we are high up looking down at everything, anticipating – dare I say excited. And then it begins and we find ourselves heading downwards with dizzying speed, my heart in my mouth and my gut pushed up somewhere into my head. Why do I put myself through this? When will the nightmare end? The twists, the turns. The agony and screams. The ups and downs.

It’s a rollercoaster ride.

Literally. The Colossus ride at Thorpe Park. Which is where I spent most of Sunday (making it back for the final 15 minutes of the football). But not a minute went by without thinking about how we were getting on up at Anfield.

I’ve seen extended highlights of the game and considering the players missing due to injury along with one or two Keystone cops on ketamine performances best illustrated by the lethargic Corluka – I don’t want to read too much into it. Proper end of season get it over and done with football. Shame really, as Fulham lost to Everton so we might have sneaked into Europe but then again, I’m not crying over the fact we didn’t.

Three consecutive years of European football ended probably at Blackburn when we lost 2-1 and along with West Ham, the only London clubs without a passport to the continent. Talking of which, we finished above them, which is no reason for an open bus parade, but still hilarious if anything for the fact that at one point we were so far behind that one happy Hammer bet me £100 we would not finish above them.

As for the game, the missing players illustrates that we have plenty of work to do with strengthening the squad so that the balance is not lost on such occasions. Harry once more recycling the fact that we might need to sell to generate more funds for players.

Bent, Pav, Bentley, Huddlestone, Zokora....a few that are being constantly linked with moves away. It all beings soon. You ready for it?

Keane scored our only goal, and decided not to celebrate. Which resulted with applause from all sides of the ground. Disaster signing or not, that was classy. By disaster, I mean for Liverpool. I don’t agree it was a mistake for us to get him back. Those early performances on his return were vital ones. And he'll back to his normal self after a break in the sun - one that this summer will not include any phone calls from Rick Parry.

So that’s that. Two points from eight games. Ramos and Comolli sacked. The Bale jinx. Bentleys form. Harrys appointment. 4-4. The climb up the table. Our home form. Keane and JD returning. Wilson. Laughing in the face of relegation. Touching distance from Europe. 8^th. The end.

I'm happy, if only because of the mess we found ourselves in at the start of it all. In the grand scheme of things, it's been a wasteful season and once more a transitional one. Let's just pray to the footballing Gods that next season is a little more gentle in the way of any unwanted hiccups and that we sustain a 7th - 5th spot from the start of the season. Would be nice to enjoy the season from start to finish.

We won’t even have to time to recover from this one, with the summer transfer window almost upon us.

Another rollercoaster ride no doubt. Close your eyes and hope for the best.

If Fergie wants to play the kids, let him play the kids

The final weekend of the season is almost upon us. Hoping we get a decent result up at Anfield, but I won't be crying if we lose. It's been a ridiculous season and I'm more than happy with our finish and looking forward already to the start of next season. The summer will no doubt be a rollercoaster with the rumours of comings and goings that will clog up the blogs and forums as we frantically await official word of where our season ticket money is being spent.

In the mean time we can all sit back and enjoy the relegation scrap and it's aftermath. You know, the one that fans of all other clubs were hoping we'd be stuck in. Except we're not. Not even two points from eight games could stop us leaving the rot behind.

Sunderland, Hull, Newcastle and Boro are the not so fortunate ones. The same ones crying (minus Hull) about Man Utd possibly looking to field a 'weakened' team and how they might sue if Ferguson does just that and Hull stay up.

Yes. Sue. Because it's Man Utd's fault that the likes of Newcastle and Sunderland have been utterly shit for months and are at the bottom of the table because of the countless games they have failed miserably to win and thus not accumulating enough points for Prem safety. They are bottom because that's as good as they deserve based on performances. Why should Utd care about Hull away when they have Barcelona in Rome next week? They have the right to do anything they want. They've earnt it. But there's the wee little FA rule about always fielding 'your strongest side'. Which is contentious because they could argue (if they play kids) it is their strongest side with the Champs League final in mind.

I hope Hull dick over Utd regardless rendering everything else insignificant.

It would mean I can settle down and bask in the knowledge that next season Match of the Day will be viewable without you know who smugging his way through the program in that ultra-bland monotone moan that has me head butting the tv.

Yes. After a prolonged 'Let's Relegate Newcastle' campaign to see them go down, not because of any hatred towards their fans or their history or anything else other than the fact that I do not like Alan Shearer. And for that matter, neither do I like people of similar ilk to Mike Ashley. A man who tries to endear himself to the Newcastle faithful by downing pints and wearing black and white when in reality he's just another ego that has failed to grasp the concept of what it means to run a football club. Two words sum it all up: Dennis Wise.

Debt clearance aside, it's been shambolic. From the Keegan debacle to leaving Chris Hughton (I wonder if he reads this blog?) in charge for so long and for the appointment of old skool Joe Kinnear before opting for someone who probably would not have taken the job if there were 15 games to play rather than 8 - as failure in that scenario would be a little more tricky to worm out of - legend or no legend.

Almost makes me forgive Levy for his indecisions and cock-ups which seem irrelevant in comparison.

Regardless of my hopes and aspirations, something tells me that Newcastle won't go down leaving me with a win-win situation. I guess in this paralysing scenario I may still come out ironically victorious as Shearer may opt to stay on as boss and thus leave me with a smugless Match of the Day without his dreary punditry which will give me time to concentrate on MotD2 and trying to understand what Adrian Chiles is saying because even with the volume turned up to full whack on a surround sound system all I hear coming out of his mouth his whispers. It's like the man has a black hole in his mouth that sucks in all sound waves leaving only lip-readers with the ability to comprehend his introductions to highlights.

If anyone can provide transcripts, I'd be grateful.