The nightmare before Christmas

Craig Bellamy linked in the tabloids. Shudder.

I'm off now. Have a good one.

Happy Xmas (War is starting)

I'm signing off for Christmas. Won't be back in front of a pc, willing and able to write up blog rants and download porn until some point after the WBA game. It's what baby Jesus would have wanted.

Because it's a time for family gatherings and gifts and traditional dinner with turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings. For most that is. For me, its the conclusion of my community service thanks to the incident at the Spurs shop several months back.

I got into a scuffle with this one evil piece of shit SOB. Kept looking over, giving me looks. Evil looks. As if he could see right through me and into my heart of darkness. Made me shiver. It was almost like he could read my mind. That's how fucked up he made me feel, just by staring at me. It was unnerving, and considering the reasons behind my presence in the Spurs shop, it was a predicament I did not prepare for and could have done without.

This SOB. We have previous. You know, just a little bit of history. Like you do in life, you get characters who you'd cross the road to avoid because you don't trust what you might do if you stayed on course for them. But the way he kept looking, he was winding me up with his constant smug grin, like he's better than me. Like he's someone. Like I'm no-one. A nothing. A non-entity.

Yeah, keep looking over here at me, you with the face of an absolute bukkake.

I played it cool....to start off with. Obviously trouble is something I always make the utmost attempt to avoid. But this git was relentlessly staring. He may as well have held up a sign stating: "YOUR MOTHERS A WHORE". It was that fucking annoying.

So, my emotions got the better of me. I picked up a football from one of the shelves and kicked it hard in his direction. On the volley. With power. Smacked him straight in the face with it. Broke his nose. Knocked him flat out.

The police said there was no evidence of actual incitement or any other form or provocation from my perspective, as no one witnessed the Pacino/de Niro build-up to the incident. The judge (bless his goodwilled heart) decided it was nothing more than a misdemeanour, thanks to my plea of foolishness. I told the court I was trying to do kick-up tricks I saw on Soccer AM and sort of mis-hit the ball and I was apologetic that someone got hurt as part of my misadventure and lack of natural skill.

But due to the crying children and the protests from the jobsworth cashiers, assistants and manager in the Spurs Shop, the club wanted some form of retribution. Public disorder they called it. Can you believe that? What a world we live in where a person can be deemed a criminal for attempting to play football, in-doors. I mean seriously, get a grip. I got an ASBO for my troubles. And I'm now banned indefinitely from entering the shop. Whoop-de-do. Gutted about that I am. Because I really really really had intentions to spend my cash on Carling Cup memorabilia and DVD's of score-draws.

I guess I was a little tense at the time of the incident, but he got what he deserved. Let me be brutally honest. Even though I've already spent the best part of 50 hours dressed as an elf in an unnamed North London shopping centre, that doesn't mean this thing is over. It's not over. It's never over. No one stares me out like that. No one mugs me off the way he did. Nobody gets in the way of my game. And he did just that. I don't stand for no playa-hating when I'm the playa.

I had business in the Spurs Shop that day. I was going to make a stand. One that included nudity, handcuffs, an effigy of the chairman and a home-made Comolli mask (its actually a Halloween mask of George Bush, but I added Brillo to the hair and Specsavers glasses. Squint your eyes, and its passable as Damien).

It would have been a protest of near epic proportions, thanks mainly to the temporary tattoo(s) I had done on my chest and back, in stencil styled writing, that stated:

"LEVY
OUT!"

"TO DARE IS TO BURN
YOUR SEASON TICKET"

"BLAME LEVY"

"OPUS? ANUS!"

I had an additional tattoo that took 7 hours to complete. The pieces de resistance if you will. Daniels face, colourfully displayed on my arse (which I had to have shaved for the occasion). Guess what his mouth is? Well, nobody would have had to guess if I had the time to set my plan into motion, because I would have shown everyone present exactly what comes out of his lying propaganda-producing boatrace in full graphic detail. But no, that SOB had to give me the look from across the shop floor and psyche me out and ruin what would have been a perfect afternoon of re-educating the Spurs supporting public on all matters Levyiavellian.

I'll bide my time though. Complete my 50 hours. And move on. Because there is always a tomorrow. And where there is a tomorrow, there is a future. And our futures are there for us to strive for and make them into whatever we wish.

Tomorrow is coming. And I see my future. It's a nice wonderfully cooked roast with a side plate of vegetables. This isn't Christmas dinner. No sir. This is a dish best served cold. So it's not actually a normal Sunday roast either. It's a metaphor. I'm being metaphorical. Revenge, its revenge, I'm going to have my revenge.

You hear me Chirpy?

You interfering son of a bitch. I'll 'ave you son. Remember last time out you ended up needing a plastic surgeon. You still got his number? Best pray then that Santa brings you an extra set of eyes for the back of your head.

This is just getting started.

Beard Update

It's still on my face. Although (using my spiffing Remington Professional MB320C Diamond Beard Trimmer) I've cut it short (setting number 3) and will allow it to grow out once more to a more fuller Ellisesque standard. You won't catch me stylising it like that Gruber git.

Time for sleep

So ends my blog-spamming session for the early hours. Lap it up.

AGM review and new Spurs stadium artwork to follow tomorrow.

I laughed

The Daily Mail.

Why does one bother? This is from a write-up (slagging off Spurs fans for booing Berbatov):

At half-time, a justly anonymous comedian was brought on. He bellowed a string of dull jibes at Berbatov, each greeted as if he were Tommy Cooper in his prime. It was truly toe-curling. The fact he left White Hart Lane in order to better himself professionally was of no account. Neither was the equally cogent fact Spurs had received some £30million from the transaction.

Right, so going on strike is not something we should hold against him? Or the fact that along with his agent, they constantly used the media to help secure a move with the usual bullshit propaganda. Do one you daft bitter Manc/Chelsea/West Ham/Arsenal fan (delete where appropriate). If you're going to construct an argument, I'd suggest you do your home work on the 'anonymous comedian' who has the fastest selling stand-up debut DVD ever. And as for being greeted as if he was Tommy Cooper, please, don't exaggerate. People laughed out loud, nothing more, nothing less. The only thing that's truly toe-curling is the fact that I've even bothered to highlight this. I'm embarrassed for you and me both.

Blogs...

Just got in from work, having got up at 5am. 16 hour working day. No I don't want an open bus parade. Just pre-warning you that the blogs I'm about to post will probably have grammatical murkings and the like due to fatigue.

Beard Update

As per a previous blog entry, I made an announcement that I am growing a beard. Hobo chic at its finest. Minus the chic.

At the moment its more of a mess of a stubble than it is a genuine beard. Need another 2 weeks of growth at the very least before I decide whether I can get away with this travesty of fashion for much longer. Got some grey hairs to the left of my chin, giving me an almost Roy Keanesque quality which does nothing to make it look even 1% appealing. I look like the lovechild of a tramp and the wolf-man after a night on Special Brew having had parts of my face shaved off by other tramps in a prank-attack then tried to smarten up with another tramps piss in (what proves to be) a successful attempt to get into Chinawhite.

But the beard has to stay until Spurs are mathematically safe from relegation. Although (cheat mode activated) I'm going to change it to, '...until Spurs are more or less safe based on league position and the form of whomever is bottom three and the likelihood of being pulled back down into the dogfight'.

I'm so zany.

And that was the week that was.....

Anderton retires today, bless him. Hope he gets that testimonial he deserves from us.

Freddy Adu (formally a Man Utd and then Chelsea fan) who was fourteen years old for about 5 years is now proclaiming he supported Spurs when he was a kid. Even though, he still is a kid. He's at Benefica, although out on loan in France, so basically, he's shit and over-rated and simply a over-hyped product of the Nike school of bullshit. Thanks but no thanks. I'll stick to the Football Manager version of you.

Robbie Keane is being rested for Liverpool today, away to Blackburn. Rumours (and that's all they are) suggest he will be sold. Where does one go when he is pushed out of his boyhood club? I guess his other boyhood club (Celtic) will be happy to take him. Keane will score 30 goals up there, no problem. I guess if he is sold we'll be disappointed (Levy that is) financially, as we probably only got £12M upfront for him, with the rest based on appearances and goals.

I'm uncertain if Tony Parks has joined the club as a coach. Can anyone confirm?

Watford away was just about okay. One down, two won up. Sure you've gathered that by now. Not a convincing performance, but then wasn't a fully strength team. Sure 'arry will play a strong team in the semi-final. Interestingly, every time we've got rid of a manager early on in the season, the new boss has gone onto win the Cup. More of the same please.

I'm growing a beard...

...and will not shave it until its mathematically impossible for Spurs to be relegated. Superstition has kicked in. That is all for today.

Stephen Carr

Has retired.

I'm now waiting on the DVD of his career (scheduled for a pre-Christmas release), which will apparently include a special documentary on 'that goal' he scored against Manchester United for Spurs. Obviously, the Blue-Ray version will be the definitive collectors item and will include a holographic cover (look straight at it and he's wearing the Irish shirt, to the left its Spurs and to the right its Newcastle.

Essential.

Afterthought

Are Everton a better run club than us? Yes. They don’t sack their manager if they have a poor season and they always look to strengthen the positions where they lack depth and class. The concept is continuity. Something Levy and co have never quite grasped, but then – as a whole – neither have our fans.

With the amount of money we splash out on players season in and season out, along with the over-ambitious goals the club set themselves – it makes failure (which is always the result of each passing year) create convenient scapegoats, which help appease the disgruntled fans.

Maybe we need to be more like Everton.

Understated. Patient.

Sure, they splash out big money every now and again. But their basic and obvious work ethic around organisation and hard work/graft helped by a balanced team means they are not easy to break down and beat even if they are far from being anywhere near attractive to watch. Yes, they’re boring. And on Sunday, as far as Moyes was concerned, he was tactically spot on because had they attempted to open up and play – we would have found it far easier to score. They stopped our creative players from playing, and we had no way of countering this (which is a bit depressing really).

When you result to hoofing the ball because there’s no way through, it’s the very definition of depressing. But it happens. Under-par performances, lack of a Modric in midfield….it shouldn’t come as a surprise.

So, should we still be more like Everton?

Balance. We need a DM and LM, which will give us the required balance to out-think and play a 5 man Everton midfield who’s sole purpose is to stop US from played.

Patience. Well this one is doubtful in the way of managerial appointments, as Harry is only here for the short-term. He knows it and so does Levy. What happens after that is anyone’s guess.

Our players sometimes have this underwhelming presence on the pitch, casually running around, off the pace and with a lack of urgency and responsibility. We obviously have better players, with regards to ability, than most Prem club, yet sometimes can’t even compete against the likes of Hull or Stoke.

It’s the Holy Grail for Spurs fans this. Seeing a team evolve into one that can hassle and bully and run games. Jol, for a couple of seasons, gave us something that was not quite complete but was on its way.

January transfer window will be telling.

Guess who's back?

Shudder.