Hallelujah!

Amateurs 3 Aalborg 2

Abject, horrible, amateurish, gruesome, dismal, shite, awful, appealing performance. That’s the first half review out of the way. Second half was played with the type of tempo that makes you wonder why we didn’t kick off in the same manner. Jenas off (injury) allowed for some tidy tactical changes with Zokora turning ‘defensive enforcer’ (LOL) and Chimbondo moving back into the right back position, with Dawson central and Huddlestone free to play those killer balls we all know he is capable of (keep on losing the weight and he might just turn into a decent player with mobility). And a killer ball he played. 1-0, and before you could blink, 2-0 and the players were off celebrating like they had something to be proud off, with Ramos pointing to the centre circle. Bent was also on for the second half (for Lee).

Look, I’m not going to complain that much. When you’re in a certain situation (as we were with Jol before he left) a win is a win is a win. No matter how unbalanced. Even against a team of players that practically cost nothing. Hudd’s ball into the path of Berbatov was superb and all the Bulgarian had to do is outstretch and slide it home. The second was just as incisive with Steed placing it with effort into the top corner. Bent’s effort was a simple tap-in, from a simple free-kick. We could have had more, but with Aalborg so plucky in possession, they probably could scored again too. Their opening goal (within a couple of minutes) was decent enough. Robinson beaten from distance, obviously. Their second goal saw us cut open like Mary Jane Kelly. It was gruesome.

Credit to Ramos and his half-time team talk. And well done for our millionaire players for responding with a degree of respect to the clubs reputation and fanbase. Such a hard life. So much effort required. All Ramos can do is work with this lot, without being able to truly build his vision for the future until he brings in players that are capable of achieving what he wants. So many of them out there last night need to be sold on. Zokora. Christ, if you think Jenas is redundant. Sure, he performed admirably in the second half, but should still make way for someone who has more to offer. Like first time touch. Comolli should be sacked on that signing alone.

We have more or less qualified, and a point in Anderlecht should do the trick. Though a 100% improvement has to be made if we’re gonna survive the next round. I expect a lot more on Sunday too.

Levy: The Trilogy - Part III

THE DAZZA INTERVIEW

Dazza, over at Glory Glory got to bag 5 minutes with Daniel Levy. I’m some what disappointed that he didn’t let me know of the whereabouts and the time of the interview in advance. Not that I would have turned up and superglued myself to the chairman. No. It’s just nice to know where the chairman is on a day to day basis considering I pay his wages via my season ticket purchase season after season.

Here’s the interview.

http://www.glory-glory.co.uk/blogs/dazzalondon

And below, with comments.

Evening Mr Levy, thank you for sparing me some time on what is obviously a busy day.

DL – Yes, very busy............

Playing golf? Football Manager 2008? You get paid a cool million a year, I’m sure you can spare more than 5 minutes for one of the common people. Just hold your breath so you don’t have to breathe in the fumes of a ‘football fan’.

I’ll try and be as brief as I can then. I’ve taken a few questions from people on the website. Having read your EGM address I won’t be asking anything about the stadium or selling the club rumours.

How’s Juande’s English lesson’s going and how long before you reckon he’ll feel comfortable enough to do his own TV comments?

DL - I can sit and have a conversation with Juande and understand exactly what he’s saying but with interviews you are expected to reply quickly and he doesn’t want to be put in a position where he says the wrong thing that gets twisted. He’s probably a couple of months away from conducting his interviews.

As long as he understands ‘YOU’RE FIRED!’, right? Though its more likely he’ll be telling you in broken English to stick Comolli ‘uppa your arseo’.

Some fans are curious as to why you weren’t on screen during his initial press conference.

DL – Because if I had been the majority of the questions would have been about Martin Jol’s leaving as opposed to looking forward with Juande signing. Besides that’s the Sporting Directors job. The same reason as I wasn’t present during the unveiling of Martin and Frank Arnesen was.

Let’s correct this one.

‘Because I would have struggled to answer any of the questions posed because I handled the whole Jol affair like Pepe Le Pew on the pull’.

I saw the interview with Juande pre-match on Sky before the West Ham game and he seemed very non-committal regarding Berba’s future. Subtitles were – “Ask him”. Has his introduction had a settling affect on the squad with regards to being any closer to contract negotiations with Berba and Defoe? How much of a worry is it for you that Sky Andrew is Defoe’s agent after what he persuaded Sol to do?

DL – There aren’t any tensions in the squad. Berba is already on a long contract and he’s signalled he’s happy. As for Jermaine, he’s publicly stated he wants to stay and I reiterated in today’s EGM our wish that he does stay. Now it’s pretty much down to him. Sky Andrews – Draw your own conclusions.

Yes. You should have sold Defoe to Pompey way back. Instead, you sat back and watched a new Judas scenario develop. Not to worry. The club is bound to get it right third time round.

Do you ever ask for or get offered feedback from the players regarding the coach?

DL – I never ask for feedback but any I do get comes back via players agents rather than the players themselves.

Care to share what Sky Andrews may have said to you recently? Go on. I bet it was fruity.

What is the criteria for signing new players if the manager suggests them? Any truth in the tabloid gossip that 3 of Juande’s targets were disregarded because they were “over 26”?

DL – I can categorically say there is no truth in that rumour what-so-ever.

Agreed. Because we just over-spend on under-23’s instead.

Has there been any progress on the goal keeping coach position? Has anyone thought of offering Paul a trip to a clinical hypnotist to ease any self doubts he experiences and try and get him back to full confidence?

DL – There is no progress as yet. And if you saw Paul’s display against West Ham yesterday I think he had a good game and his confidence is there for people to see.

No, what’s there to be seen is that he still needs to shed some weight. His ‘saves’ at West Ham were alright, if a little bit overly ‘dramatic’ for the cameras to enjoy. Seeing a hypnotist isn’t that bad of an idea. How about using one on Jenas to trick him into believing he is a footballer.

Fan’s really don’t want to share with West Ham. The travel connections are even worse than WHL. Are there any truth to these rumours &/or alternatives should we have to move away from WHL for any rebuilding work?

DL – If we should, and I’m not saying we will, have to ground share at all then theoretically how would people feel about sharing with Arsenal. Which would they prefer?

That’s like asking if I’d prefer to share a bed with Michael Barrymore or take a skinny dip in his pool.

(Dazza's response) – Well I actually did an article on this, asking people to think with their head rather than their heart and you’d be surprised to percentage of people that said sharing the Emirates would be the preferable short term option with regards to increased capacity meaning more revenue and an increase in season tickets.

Stop kissing arse, Dazza. Referring to ‘revenue’ probably made Levy all giddy. I bet he smirked didn’t he? He licked his lips too, didn't he? Yeah, of course he did.

Have there been any “culprits” identified for these continuing leaks that appear to be coming from the club?

DL – We’ve investigated and found nothing. If you look at the way things transpired with Martin then it’s possible there was no leak. Firstly it was rumoured he’d resigned before the game, then that he’d been sacked at half time but no final decision was made until after the game. With regards to the leak about the ground expansion. I’m sure that came from somewhere other than the club. The reason why I’m so sure was that only a handful of people knew anything about that and most of them were from outside the club.

What? You mean there are no ‘In The Knows’ or club insiders working their magic, cryptically informing fans on forums with exclusives that have yet to hit the newsstands? No espionage? Just coincidence and enough shit thrown at the wall, some of it will stick? Damn it! I WANT TO BELIEVE!

Finally, on a personal note, do you have any spare tickets for the Anderlecht game that I can buy off of you, I’ve already booked my travel????

DL – (laughs) I’m afraid not.

Dazza, I’m disappointed. This is pretty much a stereotypical ‘last question’ to end the interview with a smile. Christ, you been watching Parkinson as prep? How about asking him about the crate in his basement with the Arsenal memorabilia? Or whether he has kept any of the effigies I’ve mailed him? Or why only the West Stand gets bagels? You’ve sold out man. You’ve sold out.

Well thank you very much for sparing me this time to answer questions. Good luck.

DL – You’re welcome

Good luck? Miracle more like.

Levy: The Trilogy - Part II

COMOLLI/JOL

Slick. Blame the man you hired if the hiring of the new manager fails. Just hope nobody notices that you hired the man who hired the manager. Yes, our beloved and glorious chairman has now distanced himself from potential failure. If Juande Ramos doesn’t achieve the required success (4th spot – how I miss the days of aiming for actual silverware) then Damien Comolli will most likely lose his job. Which would put us in a position of having no Director of Football or manager, meaning Levy would have to hire a new DoF who would then have to recommend a new manager. You keeping up with this? Here’s the quotage:

"Damien recommended Juande Ramos, so clearly he would have to take responsibility if it didn't work. I have every confidence it will work.

Virtually every club in Spain has a sporting director. We want a coach who specialises in getting the best out of players, which means making the team selections and making all the tactical decisions. What the sporting director does is take a lot of the pressure off the manager.

They can go on scouting missions and be in charge of scouts. They also have to be in charge of the medical department and the academy, and it is impossible for one person to do everything to the best of their ability”

So, blame Comolli if it goes pear-shaped. Again. Something I’m struggling with though is the fact that apparently Comolli is there to ‘take the pressure off the manager’ and go on scouting missions. All well and good, but how will the manager not feel under pressure if he goes out and buys us another Zokora of Kaboul? Ramos won’t stand a fucking chance.

Seems that Levy already has a ready-made excuse.

Then we have the ‘dig’ at Jol. Not unheard of the rumour concerning Jol flirting with other clubs while at Spurs. Apparently Jol ‘went for two jobs’ while in charge at Spurs. Though ‘went for’ doesn’t tell us whether he had actual interviews and rejected or was rejected. Does paint the big man in a different colour if any truth is to be had in these allegations. The same article mentions that Levy can not guarantee that Berbatov would remain at the club after the Jan transfer window. Though there is no actual quote for this one, so I’ll dismiss it until someone points me in the direction of something more substantial.

So, what we have here is the old ‘lets stab him in the back before he stabs us in the back’ scenario. Don’t know what the problem is tbh. He went for the Newcastle job. That doesn’t really count.

Levy: The Trilogy - Part I

THE EGM

You know what it’s like. You’re standing at a bus stop waiting for ages and then three come along at the same time. It’s been a little quiet from Mr Chairman recently, quotes wise. We’ve had the leakage of the alleged new Spurs stadium (plans have been drafted and fired across to the council). Would seem that rebuilding WHL and having to ground share is the most likely outcome. Then Levy gives us three shots of Levyisims.

• The EGM
• Comolli and Jol Blast
• An interview with a member of Glory Glory

I’m going to work through all three.

First up, The EGM – which took place on Monday 25th Nov at 2pm. Below, with comments.

Before we start on the official business I should like to say a few words to the meeting.

We have much to be optimistic about going forward and that is what I wish to concentrate on today. We have made changes recently in order to strengthen our position in several areas. This is a dynamic business and as such we have to constantly respond to changing circumstances, some within, but many outside, of our control.

Translated. 'We fucked up and humiliated the club publicly in the past so let’s not dwell on my personal mistakes and just brush it all under the carpet because the future is bright and any potential mistakes I will make going forward haven’t happened yet'.

Have to give him credit for the ‘dynamic business’ explaination, with a slight nod to ‘some within’ and ‘many outside’, in reference to control. Some within? How about all of them within? The fire is started by the man holding the matches.

As a result, these last three months have been testing times for us all. Both the Club and I personally have endured much criticism. We have absorbed much blame – very little of which was justified with facts. But we elected not to respond and rather to hold our counsel. We took the clear decision that we would not discuss private matters in public and we did this in the long-term interests of the Club and all parties involved.

I should now like to take this opportunity to once again thank Martin Jol, Chris Hughton and Hans Segers and wish them well in their future careers.

Again, this is textbook. Deny everything, sometimes with silence, sometimes with carefully constructed propaganda. I mean, come on. To state that discussing private matters in public is something the club did not do is hilarious considering the Kemsley/Ramos fiasco. If that's not publicly telling the world something is amiss at the club, I don’t know what is, whether you meant it or not. As for all the media coverage that followed, what do you expect from the tabloids finest? They never print the truth in its entirety, as distortion makes for better reading. You handled the whole affair with a distinct lack of class, playing into the hands of the media.

Nice touch with the ‘thank yous’. Magnanimous.

We have a new and respected coaching team and I look forward to introducing Juande to you after the formal proceedings today and for you to hear his thoughts on the remainder of the season.

The performance of the business means that we retain the ability to invest and, in respect of players on long contracts, we have no need to sell. It is noteworthy that all key players are on long-term contracts with the exception of Jermain Defoe, who has expressed publicly that he wants to remain at the club and I put it on record that we want him to stay.

The mention of ‘he wants to remain at the club’ is ominous. Sol Campbell anyone? The fact that Jermain’s agent is Sky Andrews should tell you everything you need to know about the situation. There’s no doubt that the player is doing the right thing from his own personal perspective. He doesn’t play every game, he doesn’t start every game. He could do so at another club. Fact is, he’s a bit shit. He hasn’t developed over the past 3 or 4 years suggesting he lacks the required footballing brain to become International class (yet alone world class). And with money being one of the main priorities of the modern day footballer, with Andrews’s guidance, why not seal a move away and earn a fair amount on the way? LOL, I said ‘earn’.

Defoe has to sign before the Jan transfer window, or he’ll be sold.

I should also like to correct newspaper reports that have existed, despite my denials, that ENIC has agreed to sell its shareholding in the Club. For nearly 7 years we have, I believe, moved this Club forward, but have had to endure constant speculation from those who would seek to detract from what we are achieving. For the record yet again, no offer has been made for the Club during my time here, not even by Roman Abramovich as was so incorrectly reported.

This year sees us report record financial results. TV, sponsorship, retail, ticket and corporate hospitality revenues have all contributed to an increase of 39% in turnover and good management of the business has seen profits rise to 31% of turnover. We have continued to upgrade the Ticket Office and this has now been relocated to Paxton Road. Service levels are critical in this area of the business and it is important that we continuously evaluate and raise standards of delivery. We have centralised customer service and this has been well received – we shall, however, continue to seek further improvements.

Yes, yes. You’re rich. We get it. Bagel sells alone in the West Stand should help pay for its renovation.

Investment and work on valuable community-based projects through the Tottenham Hotspur Foundation continues to go from strength to strength. In conjunction with our application for the Training Centre at Bulls Cross is a commitment to deliver a 10 year outreach programme within the local community worth in excess of £2.3m.

We currently have a minimum of one player per week attending a community event in areas local to the club and our facilities. It is a tremendous commitment not only by your club, but also by the First Team and Academy players who derive a genuine benefit and enjoyment from this aspect of their footballing lives. It is also a much valued and appreciated service to the communities.

Earlier this month we also launched our Spurs Learning Zone – a dedicated state of the art facility located here at the stadium, that will host daily classes of up to 30 local children, providing them with access to cutting edge information, communication, podcasting and digital editing technologies - a resource much welcomed by our local council.

Not only as a football club, but as a business in general, the level, quality and effect of our contribution to communities and good causes, is outstanding and sets us apart. We should recognise this and be rightly proud.

I have nothing sarcastic to say on this. Other than the £8M spent on Kaboul could have gone to the Spurs Learning Zone. Bit more value for money.

Looking to our capital expenditure projects - In respect of the stadium I can report, as promised in January, that we have refined our options. At this stage, as I am sure you will understand, it would be commercially inappropriate to discuss these in further detail. To date, Matthew Collecott and I have directed the project and we are making substantial progress. Last week we added to our project team with the appointment of Paul Phillips, who will be the project manager on a day-to-day basis. Paul has a proven track record in delivering complex stadium solutions and was the project leader on the Emirates Stadium.

We should all be conscious of the fact that we face significant hurdles and disadvantages in our search for an optimum solution to increased capacity. For example, with our current location, we do not have inherent land values in Tottenham that could drive enabling development and regeneration. Additionally, the Olympics is taking significant public funds out of the public purse which could assist with any major schemes. There is no easy option for us but we are determined to find a solution. We shall announce our preferred option in the first half of 2008.

Please be assured that your Board is applying the same vigour and determination towards achieving a successful outcome on this capital project as we did for the Training facility and I am pleased to be able to report good news on that now.

I hope we don’t leave WHL. I’m willing to wager we don’t, though ground sharing with West Ham makes me taste vomit every time I think about it. I’m sure everyone will know the final decision before the official announcement. Just keep an eye out for bit torrent links in Spurs forums. One thing I will say. If we remain at WHL, for the love of all things transporty, please give us an underground station within minutes of the stadium. Fucking bribe someone if you have to.

We achieved a terrific step forward with future plans when earlier this month Enfield Council Planning Committee voted to grant planning permission for our Football Training Centre – a combined First Team and Academy facility - at Bulls Cross, Enfield. We were absolutely delighted with this outcome, the culmination of years of hard work and determination by a dedicated in house team and external consultants. The application will now pass to the Mayor of London and the Government Office for London for final approval.

I shall now ask James Budd of architects KSS to make a brief presentation on an overview of the scheme.

Thank you James.

As you can see it is an outstanding facility – the creation of a world class First Team and Academy training facility set on over 60 acres and we have now achieved an important first step towards realising this vital project for the Club. It will be instrumental in attracting the best young talent and afford our current squad state of the art facilities in which to train over the season.

See. Bribes do work. As for attracting the best young talent, doubt we can compete with Wenger and his world wide circle of friends. When was the last time Spurs developed and progressed ‘young talent’ into a prominent role in the first team? Ledley King? Not exactly West Ham’s academy is it?

Our Academy is already home to some of the most outstanding young talent in the country. When much has been said about the need to nurture young home grown English talent, you can be proud that your Club boasts no fewer than 8 academy players in the England youth teams. Additional to this are a further 8 players who represent their countries at youth international level. The Club now has a total of 34 international players and 7 full England internationals.

I stand corrected. We already have the talent. I await to see if Pekhart, Dixon, Parret and company ever make it pass the reserves. Our youth players always get a big shout in the match day programmes but then end up at Orient on loan. Then sold to Hull or someone of equal standing. As for 34 international players, you’ve included Ghaly in that total, haven’t you, you cheating dog? And at this current moment in time, having 7 England internationals is really nothing to shout about. Especially as the only one who would stand a chance of a consistent place in the team is King, and he’s injured.

We shall keep you informed as we progress the Training Centre project – our current timetable aims for completion in the summer of 2010 but I would stress once again that there are still further stages to be passed in the next few months and we should also expect opposition to continue. I would ask that you continue to give it your support as we progress through those stages.

In closing, I should like to thank everyone at the Club for their contribution to last season's success and to the Club's supporters for their magnificent support. This year we celebrated our 125th Anniversary – a notable landmark for a great football club – but equally important that we now look ahead with confidence and ensure that glory is not a term used only to recall events from the past. We have much happening now that will impact greatly on our future.

Thank you

Believe me. We won’t be forgetting our 125th Anniversary in a hurry. It’s been a notable landmark alright. Like the time a porn star failed to get wood with Jenna Jameson. PATHETIC AND LIMP.

‘Glory’ will always be synonymous with the past, because our success is firmly placed there. The sooner all mention of 1961 is banished from the terraces and the directors box, the better.

West Ham 1 Spurs 1

Fair result this. Though no thanks to the Man with no Brain, Kaboul, self-imploding again - this time with a gift leading to a Cant Control opener. If only Spurs had a decent defence, hey? Chances for both sides, decent keeping on occasions and guilt ridden misses taking the headlines.

A proper ding-dong derby, without being anywhere near the classic last year was. Robinson saving well from Ashton and Parker. Robert Green embarrassing himself with the Dawson equaliser, but redeeming himself with a rather all too comfortable save in the 90th minute from Defoe. From the penalty spot. Oh dear. Well, whatever. Green did his homework and opted for the same side as last years kick. Defoe should have tried something different. Like fucking smacking it in rather than the lame placement that allows the home side to add a new chapter to the next edition of 'The History of West Ham United'.

As for the first half incident where Green probably should have got a red card, for what looked like a nailed on penalty (Keane, chipping the ball over him in a 1-on-1 situation and then....well, you've seen it I'm sure....Greens trailing leg bringing down Keane). And before any 'ammers claim he dived, it would have been far easier to just stand his ground and tap the ball in - if he wasn't touched (ooh) by Green. Which he was. Hence the lack of balance. And having seen it several times now, Keane loses balance because of Greens leg, and had he tried to remain on his feet its doubtful he would have got to the ball. I've said that already, haven't I? If Keane allowed gravity to pull him down in a far more dramatic manner, it still doesn't change the fact that Green was guilty.

Arguably, Keane was offside in the first place, so karma balanced it all out for us. Equally, you could say two big decisions missed by the officials. Still, play to the whistle, no? If anything, Riley (the man in black) made sure he made the game all about his rather average and consistently inconsistent ref'ing. Around 32 or 33 West Ham fouls given, compared to Spurs who gave away about 8. They got booked 3 times, we got booked 4 times. Doubt any West Ham or Spurs fan would agree he had a good game.

Was quite happy with our work rate today. Ramos has influenced the team in a positive way thus far. Looked more of a unit for once, away from home. Bit more confidence. Although, four strikers on the pitch at the same time with Berbs back in midfield was a little strange. Good to see Bale back too. Wonderful talent that kid.

Kaboul, a fine athlete, but blatantly inexperienced and allowing him play in a team that generally isn't very good at defending is just asking for trouble. He has made mistakes far too often now. Jan tran window target(s)? Please let it be a centre-back.

Ramos has to also work on eliminating these individual mistakes that are costing us. Robbo's recovery is continuing and some of the players are looking far improved (Berbatov, an obvious example) with their application and purpose.

Like I said, fair result. Brummies up next in the league.

The dream is over

Can’t say I’m shocked. One point from two games would have been enough, and yet somehow we manage to lose the lot. At least McClaren is gone. And hopefully inept tactics and selections are gone with him. Though with the FA’s track record, I wouldn’t be that shocked to see Harry Redknapp at the helm. It’s grim. No European Championships next summer. May as well enter the Big Brother house.

Robinson must have had a chuckle to himself, watching the Carson Calamity show. Sol Campbell showed just how brave he is, moving out of the way for the Croat to blast the third (and winning goal) in. And the world sat back and laughed at the fact that if we lose Owen and Rooney, we have Bent and Defoe as backup. Portugal haven’t got any strikers either, yet they managed to limp their way to the finals.

McClaren told everyone yesterday ‘blame me’. King of the blatant that Steve is. Big Sam doesn’t want the job, thank God. Jose has said forget about it. Martin O’Neil is being mentioned by some, whereas others suggest England will wait until after Euro 2008 to make their appointment (Hiddink?).

Whoever comes in better buck the trend and stop selecting players based on reputation only. But when have the FA ever got it right?

And onto the weekend. West Ham away on Sunday. They have injury problems. We are generally shit, but not as shit as we were a month or so back. No idea how to call this one. Losing to them will no doubt add another page to their history books. Winning for us will just be three points on the table.

Can't laugh at Chelsea anymore

We are advertising tickets for our next UEFA Cup game on Talksport. Novelty factor of the UEFA Cup almost gone then lads?

In defence of SI

Football Manager 2008. If you believe the disgruntled gamers it has Syphilis. Or a common cold. Or a bug or something. Currently, the SI Forum is like that final hellmouth engulfing Sunnydale, which means that Miles Jacobson will have to stick on a blonde wig and change his name to Buffy. The 'big evil' has thrown its toys out of the pram and demanding a patch 'or else'. Time to stake that motherf*cker in the heart.

Dear Disgruntled FM gamer,

Football Manager 2008 is a game. SI will fix everything. The fact is, 10 years or so of this footballing uber-spreadsheet has resulted in some of the most undeserving impatient ungrateful gamers (a minority thankfully) of any game I know of. Football Manager is not Theme Park. It’s a football game and therefore is based on a massive database of stats and processing and formulas. It will never be a 99.99% nailed on replica of real football – and some of you have quite obviously forgotten this (or choose to think it is actually possible to get 99.99% and how dare SI fail to do so). Its a simulation at best. And it tries it's damned hardest to be that. Be grateful they still make it. In a world where the emphasis is on big colourful box office style games, it's a testament to SI that the game still shifts the amount of units it does.

You know why SI don’t have any competition? Because there simply isn't a development team out there good enough or determined enough to put out what is quite obviously a monster of a genre to develop and manage and update.

I'm not saying that the game doesn't have bugs. It quite obviously does and I'm not dismissing the fact that just because I don't experience any problems playing as a Prem club, that others in the lower leagues have their playability affected by issues that need to be fixed.

Yes. It’s frustrating. But the anal obsessive detail some people complain at is just plain silly and at times almost deranged. It’s almost like there’s a group who actively go searching for problems with the games engine and can’t play it because of minor issues that do not have a detrimental effect on the game. Others do however have a right to be frustrated because the issues they find through gameplay DOES have a detrimental effect. But the manner some of you people express your complaints is pretty immature.

If SI had not released the game when they did and waited to complete further testing, you would not have had it when you got it - so waiting another week or three for a patch to make it 'playable' (the very definition of that is altogether another subject) makes no difference. That’s just my opinion and I know others will claim ‘we wouldn’t be upset if we paid £30 for the game and didn’t need a patch’. But let’s not be naïve about it. This happens all the time. Even with operating systems like Windows. Other games have massive flaws in them or simply don’t give the hours of gameplay FM can – so putting up with these type of industry quirks isn’t really a big deal. It's a fact of life. And one that most have to sadly deal with.

The irony here is that some people have choosen to forget this happened with FM2007 too but the hardcore who complained prefer to look back and suggest that it was less 'buggy', probably because they were appeased with SI's patches that followed.

Call of Duty. 5 hours gameplay. Probably didn’t need a patch on release. But that’s a shooter. FM is a completely different type of creature. As for FM gameplay? 100 hours? 1000 hours? Which is probably the reason there is such a low threshold of tolerance for ‘bugs’. But every incarnation has struggled with them – so doesn’t that tell you something? Even with such an experienced and hard working team, it’s sill a brutal experience for them to build this game. And the very nature of tweaking and adjusting means one of the consequences is that it always needs to be tweaked. FM is like a demanding girlfriend and finding her g-spot takes a little time.

It’s a joke? It’s unacceptable? You want your money back? You want to try the competition? Feel free to do just that. You'll be back soon enough and you know it.

Few developers care about their product as much as SI do - and if you look at the competition and the fact that their games are fundamentally shallow and lack depth and are just cosmetic or full of gimmicks - how on earth can you sit there and slag them off like they don’t give a shit? Have they stolen candy from a baby? Defecated through your letter-box?

Look at Championship Manager. Unbalanced game which is let down by the very fact it falls several leagues behind FM's gameplay and depth. That's the competition.

So grow the fuck up and lose the fundamentalist attitude you have towards the game.

It's a privilege not a right.

Yours 'top of the league with Spurs',

Spooky

Round-up

Lacking the time to be all satirical and ‘in character’ so you’ll have to make do with a rather bland overview of the last 5 days or so until I’m back in front of a pc, drenched in inspiration and high on drugs.

Ramos has introduced an appraisal system for players and staff in order to gage their ambitions. I can see it now.

RAMOS: So, what are you ambitions?
JENAS: To learn to control the ball with my first touch.
RAMOS: That’s never going to happen.
JENAS: I scored twice against Wigan.
RAMOS: Of course you did, you’re our very own Zizou. Here’s a lollypop.
JENAS: Yeah! A lollypop! I can do it too with Kandoo!

In addition, a new diet regime is also being implemented, so expect a pouty size zero Robinson sporting a rather lush looking goalkeeper jersey soon, drinking champers and snorting coke between goal-kicks. Also, let’s take a moment to laugh out loud at the Spanish press who appear to have out-done their English counterparts. For some rather deranged reason they seem to think that Spurs have turned into Chelsea and have ‘300 Million Euros’ to spunk on players.

The following have all been recently linked:

Casillas - £25m
Villa - £30m
Xavi - £15m
Alves - £20m
Kanoute - £15m
Baptista - £10m

Add Diego Capel (Sevilla winger) to the long list of targets and endless money pit that Levy apparently has. Love the fact that all players mentioned are attackers/forwards. Even Alves is better known for his attacking prowess than his defensive duties. All very likely, no? It’s tiresome. But then this is modern day journalism. And with the Jan transfer window not too far off, its only natural the agents and tabloids go into overdrive.

And if that’s not enough, Comolli is allegedly looking at Arsenal reserve players as potential targets. It’s Christ-maaaaaaaaaaas! Let’s balance the team out with rejects from the pikey side of town. That should elevate morale with the fans. And yes, the irony that their reserves are better than our first team isn’t lost on me. It's a cruel and bitter life.

Another tale from the terraces suggests that Taarabt (depending on who tells you) wants to join Arsenal/Wenger wants to sign him. Hands up if you think he’d be in the first team squad all the time if he was a gooner or at Old Trafford? Hopefully he will impress the Ramos in training and finally get a shot at the first team proper rather than a cameo every few months. The kid has genuine world class potential. And no, I’m not talking about the Huddlestonesque kind (though if the Hudd lost some weight he just might make it). Taarabt has to be developed, something I’m much more confident will happen with the new regime than any of the past efforts. And part of that development is playing in the first team from a young age. Ask Fergie and Wenger about the success rate with taking this particular type of plunge.

Elsewhere, Spurs finally get planning permission for their new training ground, which will apparently attract world class players. Why? Will there be a poker room and pole-dancing stage with accompanying escort girls? We still await on the big talking point as to whether we are planning on re-developing WHL or moving (potentially) to a site in Enfield. As discussed before, one possible outcome is to ground share at West Ham United. Ground sharing with them lot is like asking Frank if it’s okay to share Pat Butcher in a ménage a trios. What on God’s green earth would possess you to do something so vile and disgusting?

And talking of them lot, WHU away on Sunday. A repeat of last year, thank you very much.

Elsewhere, various rumours about Ledley King doing the rounds again. One suggesting he had a setback weeks back and won’t be seen for another month or two. The other rumour, suggests he has simply been rested for 3 months as precaution (in addition to the summer months) and will be back soon. Both forum efforts these ones. Pinch of salt as per usual. Don’t cry just yet, wait for the official site to update you with the bad news.

England are back in the hunt for qualification when it seemed the dream was over. I don’t usually speak about the National side. One under-achieving team is enough to be depressed about. If we win by a few goals we finish top of the group. Knighthood back on for McClaren then. Love his thank-you speech highlighting Israel’s pride that helped ensure a shock 2-1 win. If our players had some pride we wouldn’t be relying on Russia to fuck up. Still, plenty of time for us to do just that with Croatia on Wednesday. Dear Mr McClaren, now there’s a thought…

We've had to wait 2 months for this

Spurs 4 Wigan 0

Wigan join Derby as one of the worst Prem team I've seen for a number of years. Utterly woeful, incapable of holding onto the ball or passing it to their own players. Instead, ace at giving the ball back to us and being generally shit, more so than us. We did enough to win the Biggest Game in our History™ comfortably, and we could easily have added 3 or more to the scoreline with the woodwork rescuing Wigan from a complete rout. The win was vital. And to achieve it with a little bit of swagger, just enough to brush a doomed team aside, gives the impression that improvement is gradually occuring. Conceding against this lot would have made me suicidal. Don't think Robinson had one shot to save. And Ramos has taken note of the fact that protecting a lead isn't the way to go - adding more goals to the tally allows for us hold onto the initiative and possession rather than sit back and let the opposing team attack. It was all a bit too easy.

And yes, the irony that our two Prem wins this season have come against the two worst teams is isn't lost on even the most fickle of Spurs fans.

Jenas (aka The Destroyer of Shit Teams™) was at his industrious best (gosh) and should have scored a hat trick, but rather than use the inside of his foot to place the ball he decided to use the outside. Gift wrapped opp, considering the Wigan defence parted like the Red Sea for him, except Moses would never have fallen on his face in the midst of such a dramatic moment. Jenas, once more a Biblical disappointment when it was easier to score. Could have done with Moses cane for assured balance as he tried to place the ball. Though kudos for the two goals he did get. And his general getting-forwardness. One day, he'll perform like this against a proper side.

Pro-Jenas comment, for larfs and larks

Great to see that our players are taking shots from outside the area. Lennon included, who scored a fine goal. Under Jol, we always seemed to favour walking it into the penatly area and then attempting to bury it. Nothing wrong with having a crack. Just ask deflection king, Frank Lampard.

And what about The Sulk? Well, Berbatov was - it has to be said - sublime. Involved in three of the four goals (setting up two) and even managed to throw in a smile. In fact, Berbatov played very well, an anchor between midfield and attack. Playmaker, even. Another nice touch by Ramos. Works better than Keane being the anchor as he ends up playing far too deep to be effective enough. Sure, the Bulgarian appeared to be a little sulky and did his usual 'moan at everyone' routinue (as has been the case all season) but his touches and lay-offs and his general presence was telling and inspired.

A rampant Spurs side of last year or the year before would have scored 7 with ease. I think today, anything less than 3-0 would have been a disappointment.

Wigan would win the ball and then pass it back to us, and some of their defending consisted of backing away from our players and hoping nothing would come from our play. Truly miserable stuff. They brought down a hundred or fans, and I applaud them for making the effort, the poor bastards have little chance of survival on this evidence. And with Marcus 'Relegated with six clubs' Bent in their side, they really don't have the blessing of the footballing Gods. Probably what Whelan deserves, mind. Back to the Championship for you mate.

Anyway, let's get some perspective. It was only Wigan. International break up next followed by West Ham United away. Probably the first big test for Ramos.

Dear Mr Levy: Another day, another lie

Dear Mr Levy,

It’s been quite some time since my last communication to you. I’m not even sure where to begin. Do we talk about the handling of the Jol sacking? The Ramos appointment? Kemsley’s departure? Director of football failure? Talk-over rumours? The re-building of WHL or a potential new stadium? Ground sharing with West Ham United? Berbatov? Woeful Premiership form? At the end of last season I actually believed that I would begin to struggle with finding complaints due to what looked like some form of progression yet this term you have supplied me with so much material I’m considering t-shirts, effigy key-rings and business cards. I’m even looking at a potential future podcast.

What the fuck is happening over there Daniel? Pull yourself together man before the next judge decides that a court injuncture against me following you around isn’t a good idea because having me rummaging through your bins will keep you on your toes. I mean, fucking hell, do you have any idea how easy it is for me to pick holes in your regime? Emperor Levy? Nero would be more apt. You’ll probably blame the Park Lane for starting the fire while you play your violin from your treasured West Stand. I’m sure Berbatov will be standing by you, doing a little jig as all around the fires burn. Taxi to Manchester!

As for the 2-0 win away in Israel. Not much to say other than, it was very average. Even against 10 men. All a bit too uninspiring. Berbatov scored but struggled initially with the memory of what he needed to do with his face on such rare occasions.

Yes, that's it, flex those facial muscles, yep, almost there...almost there.....and....that’s it! A smile! Incredible movement from Berbatov! I've never seen anything like it!

Midfield was more sideways than forwards. And considering the second half was practically a training session, its a little concerning that we couldn't add more goals. But no reason for a sudden surge of ideas and imagination in the creative department. It's still the same old players out there. Including Jenas. The immovable object. Dave Mackay would run through brick walls for Tottenham. Jenas would apologetically whisper that he has lost the keys for the door, then sleep on a park bench for the night. He usually destroys weak teams because that's when he's in his element. Play Jenas against a under-15 team and I'll tell you this now, he would score a hat-trick, nailed on. His free kicks will still be shit though.

At least KPB is playing more often. Seems Ramos rates him an awful lot more than Jol ever did. Not surprising though considering Sevilla were also after him until the Spanish team pulled out and Comolli signed him for Jol. Well, actually no he didn't. He signed him for Ramos. Unofficially his first signing for Spurs, no?

Wasn't impressed with Berbatov in the 2-0 win, even with the goal scored. Far too much complaining and moaning and arm swinging and rolling of the eyes - again a case of 'business as usual' for our only world class player although it feels more like 'closed for the holidays'. In fact, apart from Steed and Keane, the whole team was still struggling to come to terms with reclaiming even an ounce of confidence and swagger. All a bit too fragmented and lackluster. As for Bent, at this rate, we'll get £2M for him from West Ham. Looks like we've been stitched up there good and proper. And going back to the Bulgarian again, he still has the look and movement of a man with constipation. His only performance of quality this season from him was up at Old Trafford. Funny that.

The BBC approve of anti-Jenas propaganda. Good for them.

Anyway, this is not going to be one of my full blown three page letters. I’m going to wait until after the Wigan game before I put pen to paper and rape and pillage my way through a thesaurus as I throw damning incitements and sardonic words your way. This is just a mini-letter. A teaser. And I’m going to pick out a random subject matter and state my opinion on it because I need to blow off some steam before Sunday's 'The Biggest Game in our History™' clash with Wigan. Lets talk about, I don’t know….maybe, I suppose, we should go with……something random......how about...Berbatov. Sound good to you?

I see you have allowed The Sulk to post his statement via the official site, renouncing all the rumours about his future. As see-through as tracing paper IMO. It’s all just a rather obvious ploy to quiet down the mass hysteria of the rumours, isn’t it? Bit like that time Kemsley marched off to Spain to meet Ramos and not offer him a dizzying deal. Bit like that time, isn’t it? Remember? Spain? The meeting with Ramos? Kemsley, with the talking and the offering? No? You don't remember? Amazing. You posted a statement claiming it wasn't true. Something about the newspapers being wankers.

Ok, foreplay over. Le'ts just cut to the chase. Here’s the real timeline of events that are masked behind your dark tapestry of untruthness:

Man Utd inquire about Berbatov
Spurs reject bid
Berbatov is unhappy with not being allowed to leave
Berbatov sulks during pre-season games
Spurs struggle with internal politics which results in a woeful start to the season
Berbatov and Jol do not get along
Berbatov doesn’t appear to be pulling his weight
Berbatov sulks
Berbatov and Jol's miserable double-act takes centre stage at Newcastle defeat
Newspapers have a field day with Spurs lack of form and Berbatov being blatantly unhappy
Comolli meets the player and his agent for 'showdown talks'
Spurs release a public statement on the official site that states Berbatov isn’t leaving – but clearly states ‘January’ and doesn’t mention whether the player will remain after the summer
His dad claims his son wants out
His brother claims he wants out
Berbatov releases a public denial, via the Spurs site and claims everything is a lie and that he is remaining at the club and that he loves the club
This statement appeases the Spurs faithful
The tabloids are slammed as scum by the fans for bullshitting
Comolli and Levy laugh as their masterpiece falls into place
Berbatov no longer has the uncertainty the fans were experiencing to worry about, so will not get abuse from the stands for wanting to leave
Fans will sing and chant his name
Fans believe everything he said, because ‘surely, he would never lie about something like this’
Privately the club have told Berbatov he can leave when an acceptable bid is made
Spurs know that if the player ‘publicly’ states he ‘loves the club’ and doesn’t want to leave, then other clubs wont make cheeky bids undermining his true value in the transfer marker
If the player publicly ‘wanted out’ then clubs would not make bids that match the value of the player
Berbatov has the press and fans off his back and his wish set to come true
His agent gets ready for the January/End of season transfer window
Levy rubs his hands at the thought of £20M
Spurs sell Berbatov for his true value and take the heat for selling the player
The penny drops for the 'faithful'
Spurs fans are mugged off

Sound about right, Daniel? How about you reply to me on this one? If I’m wrong I will change the name of this site to ‘I HEART LEVY’ and post a poem per day about my undying love for you and your shiny bald head. And in addition, I’ll move from the Park Lane End to the West Stand and eat bagels at half-time. I’ll even visit the Spurs Shop. No, not with my ‘BOYCOTT FASCIST MERCHANDISE – DON’T SUPPORT LEVY’S PERSONAL TRUST FUND’ sign. I’ll be armed simply with my wallet and will max out my American Express Paupers card purchasing the Spurs home shirt along with posters and scarf’s. You know that bloke with the megaphone that stands on Bill Nicholson Way preaching about Jesus Christ? I’ll have words and borrow the megaphone and spend pre-match telling the home faithful that you are the true messiah and not that pansy Hoddle. As for Jesus, always thought his life was slightly exaggerated in print. I mean, we all think Bogart said ‘Play it again Sam’ in Casablanca and yet he never did. So if we can’t remember something from 1942 which has been repeated about ten billion times, how the fuck is anyone certain about some words written down by a bunch of dudes a couple thousand years ago? Jesus was either a hippie or a student and the people that wrote the bible were probably just larking about trying to make a fast dollar. Anyway, this isn’t relevant, stop forcing me to go off topic!

It’s in your hands Daniel. I want a reply. I don’t expect you or Comolli to post a statement on the official Spurs site denouncing this letter. That would be a nice touch though. But if you want to prove your worth and your word, then take your balls out and stick them in my mouth. There’s no risk, is there? I mean, worst case scenario is I’m proved right and I bite them off. If I’m wrong and the statements the club and player have made are not propaganda, then I will have to suck them. And unlike Kyle, I won’t be running off in the opposite direction.

See, you and me Daniel, we’re not that different. Yeah sure, you’re rich. You picked up a cool million in ‘wages’ in the last financial year and live in a big house. Four bedrooms, possibly five. And your fitted kitchen is lush by the way. And that coffee machine, fuck me, wow. Where did you get that? Makes a mean cup indeed. I don’t have a mansion, I live in a flat. Two bedrooms. Though I use one of them as a living room. And my kitchen is quite smile, though I got a decent Brita kettle with those fitted filters. But ignoring minor differences in material possessions, we are not that different. We are both passionate about our beliefs. Except your beliefs are wrong. Time you stood up Levy, shaved those grapes between your legs and showed them to the world.

So, am I wrong Daniel? Am I? Is Berbatov really going to stay beyond January and the summer? I doubt it. And you know it. Its damage control, plain and simple. Much like the support for Jol in another one of the official statements on the site - and a month later he was gone.

Another day, another lie. And plenty of dollars on their way to the clubs bank account. I had a momentary lapse in concentration, believing and trusting the club and player over this, but I have seen the light. And that light has failed to blind me.

Yours 'wont be fooled for a second',

Spooky