Time to cash in on Pav?

Been off-line for a few days, and come back to find a lovely gem of a news item concerning our forgotten Russian striker, Roman Pavlyuchenko. Apparently Zenit are interested.

"He does not intend to sit on the bench. We are aware of Zenit's interest. They wanted to sign Roman in the summer and I think we'll start negotiations again." - so says his esteemed agent Oleg Artemov.

If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. He's struggled with an injury or two this season and has generally been a non-entity in our progress, other than a cameo in the Carling Cup. He looked bright and alive in pre-season and I for one was more than curious to see if this much maligned non-English speaking international was not yet another over-rated big money signing.

We remember last year well. He looked out of sorts. Whether it was the general struggle of learning the language (can anyone confirm if he can?) or looking confused when confronted by a Spurs fan in the Waltham Abbey Tescos partnered by his interpretor - Pav looked equally lost on the field too.

A bit clumsy, poor first touch, slow and very Zamoraish with his shooting. Other occasions he displayed a touch of class.

"He's just a bit tired, innit. Long Russian season, European Championships, then a move to Blightly"...was a common excuse by those who awaited the real deal to show us £14M worth of class.

We are still no closer to knowing.

And with JD, Crouchie and the undroppable Keano he stands little chance at the minute of making some kind of breakthrough into the first team.

Nailed on departure, no?

And having Zenit sniffing around is tinged with some of that ever so lickable irony dust. Oh yes. The same Zenit who moved the goal-posts around a dozen times during the Arshavin negotiations. How much did they want from us at the time? £18M? £20M? It was something ridiculous. Every time we seemed to agree a fee, they wanted a bit more. At the time our chairman got some stick from some quarters (cough) for not meeting their estmiation.

"Pay it. He's proper class"

Yes, he is a class player. Someone that would have fit in perfectly at Spurs. Imagine him linking up with Modric and...oh, whatever. It never happened, and to be fair AA is a bit of a git, as you might recall, he's 'dream move' seemed to change every other week. And he's already complaining about the 50% tax deductions that are not too far off for our footballing millionaires. But considering we paid £14M for Pav and £16M for Bentley...it makes you wonder. However, principles are principles, which is why Levy didn't buckle. Sickening he was sold for a measly £12M in the end.

So, back to that irony dust.

Zenit, if they do knock on our door, should be taken to the cleaners. IMO.

They want Pav?

Ok.

£18M. Not a penny less. Ta.

Football agents, what's the point?

Dennis Lachter. What a guy. Andry Arshavin has been in England for all of 5 minutes and already his agent is stirring up rumourwhorage with some quality quotes. Apparently, Arshavin is not completely happy at Arsenal and that Barcelona along with one or two other clubs are interested in the player. Has Dennis spunked his commission already? But regardless of the interest, Lachter states that his client will not be leaving due to the money forked out for him by Arsenal and the fact he’s only just signed.

No shit Sherlock.

If all this unnecessary nonsense wasn’t enough he then slates Arsenals ‘French diaspora’ and that Robin van Persie and Cesc Fabregas are jealous of the Russians popularity. Apparently AA has been subjected to some jokes at his expense and that he isn’t completely happy on the left.

Now look closer at everything that’s been said. You’ll note that nothing has actually been said. Of worth.

Not completely happy? Exaggeration. Probably a case of him preferring to play in his more natural position. But considering his goal ratio and assists tally, I’d hate to see what he’s capable of when he’s completely happy.

Team mates jealous? Yeah, because van Persie and Fabregas are completely ego-less, aren’t they? I'm surprised they've even noticed him.

French disapora? Irrelevant. Any player that ends up at Arsenal is Wengervised into a detestable git, so it won’t be long before Arshavin becomes another Borg in the collective. You only have to look how Theo Walcott has gone from a sparky smiling kid into a Henry-lite with the posturing and posing. Funny how Henry-senior out in Catalan country, far away from Wenger, now celebrates without the pompous moody expression.

Jokes? Part and parcel of the game. Although I guess he would be a little miffed considering the general lack of humour that anyone associated with Arsenal possesses.

Which begs the question why Lachter bothered to open his mouth in the first place. What is the point in attracting attention when your client has only just committed to a club, after failing to sign for any of the previous 5 or 6 dream clubs that he wanted to sign for? Wait at least a year before you start looking again.

I was massively massively disappointed when he eventually signed for Arsenal, as it meant Andrey had to cancel his follow-up as a guest blogger.

As for us not signing him in the summer, I guess our money was better spent elsewhere in the end.

Innit.

Even so, it's rather entertaining to listen to this inane football agent try to justify his existence. All hail Paul Scholes! He knows the score.

Spurs 'nearly signing' someone can be music to my ears

I was otherwise engaged yesterday (hence the lack of a morning/afternoon blog article) having spent the best part of four and a half hours as a guest of the Central Line thanks to a track problem, two defected trains and a signal failure.The London Underground is a bit like re-signing Pascal Chimbonda. Shambolic.

This morning’s journey was far more pleasant and was spent a little more productively putting together this light breakfast blog (something to read with your corn flakes). We’ll have to wait and see how the day progresses in the way of more meaty subject matter for me to write-up about. I'll leave the 'Beckham to Spurs' rumours alone for the minute.

So, first up, Daws. The lad might have ligament damage or it might just be a plain old fracture. Either way, not great. We have enough cover to muddle through, I’m sure. Summer isn’t too far off, so plenty of recovery time to be fit and ready for next season – as long as it’s not too serious an injury. I like Dawson. He recovered from his clumsy blip and has performed admirably for us since. Decent squad player who has a part to play at Spurs. I'm sure most of you are now scoffing at the suggestions he was Championship quality at best. Patience, not a virtue some of our fans are blessed with.

Elsewhere, I’ve basking in the glory that is the greatness of Spurs 'nearly' signing players. One player in particular. The two words that make me all giddy?

Craig. Bellamy.

It's scary that Harry wanted this player to spearhead our attack. Mr Angry was never the answer but Redknapp fancied him and made no qualms about it. So much so that our esteemed chairman made a bid or two, thankfully rejected by West Ham's new-founded 'we won't sell to Spurs' transfer policy. It finally ended with the backhanded suggestion that Man City's alleged interest in Palacios - which died the moment we gave up on Bellamy - was a form of blackmail to allow Hughes to complete the signing of the Welsh striker without any trouble. Which indicates that Bellamy was more interested in Spurs than he was City. Who said politics was dirty hasn’t spent enough time in the murky world of football.

As for the day Bellamy was officially unveiled as a City player, what a joyful day that was. It was one of those ‘where were you?’ moments akin to people who recall what they were doing on that fateful day in Dallas when JFK was blown away. I remember dancing with joy and skipping and singing to the birds when I read the SSN ticker. A transfer story is nothing until its trickling across your screen.

He’s gone on to score five goals in eleven appearances and has spent the rest of his time as a City player injured. It’s a concern that Harry actually thought he’d get some kind of positive impact from making him a Lilywhite and his comments post-near miss transfer about how he was surprised about the Spurs fans negativity towards the clubs interest in the player is naivety on the part of Redknapp. Fully fit all of the time, he might have an argument with spending £6M or £7M on him. We – as fans – might have to bite the bullet if a player has undoubted abilities even if he has characteristic impediments relating to personality. But he’s never fit. And he’s not very likable. The fact Levy sanctioned it is even more worrying.

Bringing Bellamy to White Hart Lane would be like a Romulan turning up to a birthday party in Klingon fancy dress. It’s just not fucking funny. Robbie Keane, a less angry Irish version of Craig Bellamy, was the better choice.

Elsewhere, I was not at all shocked or surprised when it was confirmed to me that Noel Gallagher (on the TalkSport show over the weekend with Russell Brand) churned out his ‘I’d rather smother my kid than let him support Spurs©’ line. You’ve heard this one before, right? Although last time he was quoted as saying “I've told him (his son) he can support his local team down here if that's what he wants - but he can't support Man Utd or Tottenham. I have an irrational loathing of Spurs, their fans and everything about that club”.

See what he’s done there? He’s taken something that he’s said before and he’s said it again, expecting everyone to be equally impressed with the same thing, said a little differently. I’m not sure. Can’t quite put my finger on it. But this reminds me of something. It’s familiar to me. The same thing, repeated. Same words but delivered a little differently. Not quite the same..but sounds the same...

Nope, can’t think. Not to worry.

Anyways, for all we know, Noel might have already done the deed. Seriously, has anyone ever seen this alleged son of Noel? Liam hasn’t. He’s only seen pictures. Anything can be done with photo-shop these days.

Noel's local team by the way is Arsenal. He’s got a season ticket there. I saw him standing alone.

And moving swiftly along, I’ll end this article with some wise words from Andy Gray who stated the following at the start of the season:

'I know Spurs have been linked with Arshavin but I think he has been over-hyped. I'm not a big fan of Modric either. He looks ordinary to me but I can only assume Juande Ramos knows what he is doing.'

This is the same Modric who is showing mad skillz all over the shop and the idle yet clinical lad Arshavin (too expensive for Levy at £20M because money was better spent on £16M Bentley and only cost Arsenal around £12M in the end) who yesterday evening scored four goals at Anfield, be it four very well taken gift wrapped goals that a player of his undoubted ability could not have possibly missed. Where does Arsene find these kids from? Apparently it was the most brilliant display from a forward he's ever seen. Yeeeeees. Of course it was Arsene. You don't miss a thing with those big round eyes of yours.

As for Andy, take a bow son. You know your football. You know it so very very well, with your graphics and last word antics and you're insightful insightfulness.

In fact you know it just as well as your colleague Martin ‘Nowhere in the world would you get a game like this. And that's why the world's broadcasters come to us’ Tyler.

Time to bring out that yellow ticker. Spread the word.

The Dream is Over

It's a great shame Andrei Arshavin has signed for Arsenal. I was hoping for a follow-up to his special guest blog but apparently his fitness level is of far more importance and alas, he doesn't have the time to spare.

He is however still able to provide us with a little off-the-cuff entertainment. Interviewed yesterday he managed to drop this wonderful straight-faced gem:

Interviewer: "Have you spoken to Roman Pavlyuchenko about your move yet?"
Arshavin: "No."
Interviewer: "Why not?"
Arshavin: "He's not a friend of mine."

He then followed this quip with something about inviting Pav round to his hotel room now that he's living in London. Don't go Pav. Its blatantly a trap.

So, anyway, as a concluding ode to the little man, let's enjoy his finest moments as complied by DoctorSpur (over at GG.co.uk).

8th July 2008:

"My dream is Barça," Arshavin said. "But to say that isn't new. The whole world knows that I have dreamed forever about going to Barça. Messi, Arshavin, Henry? Messi is very, very good and to play with him must be a marvel, and the same goes for Henry. What more can I say? I would love it. Barça is a team that can win 7-0 or lose 4-3 because their style of football is going on the attack. As long as I remember it's been like that and all that fills me with enthusiasm. "For that reason I've followed Barça closely for a long time."

http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/transfers/arshavins-heart-set-on-dream-transfer-to-barcelona-870741.html

8th August 2008:

“My desire to leave is still as strong, but there is nothing more to do now other than hope for a miracle."

http://www.clubcall.com/tottenham-hotspur/arshavin-wants-spurs-move-769102.html

"I also like the way Tottenham play, so I agreed in principle to join. A short while later a representative from Spurs arrived to discuss my personal terms and contract. The discussion didn’t take long and we agreed on everything quickly."

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/football/article1533111.ece

18th November 2008:

"Playing for Bayern is a dream."

http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/european/arshavin-reveals-bayern-dream-1023609.html

10th December 2008:

"I can confirm that officials from Zenit have begun preliminary negotiations with Real Madrid about my transfer."

http://www.goal.com/en/news/1705/real-madrid/2008/12/10/1005326/andrei-arshavin-confirms-real-madrid-talks

3rd February 2009:

“I am happy to be [here] at Arsenal. It was my dream. “[I chose Arsenal] because I like their style and I like Arsene Wenger as a coach.”

http://www.thesportreview.com/tsr/2009/02/arshavin-arsenal-move-is-dream-come-true/

Arshavin, finally achieving his dream at the 5th time of asking.

Thank God we only have players who genuinely want to wear the shirt. You know, like Robbie Keane. And Pascal Chimbonda. And Jermain Defoe.

Cough.

Did the transfer window make you smile?

I was snowed in yesterday and worked from home. I did take a moment to venture outside. I like the crunchy sound snow makes when you walk around in it. I built a snowman. It stood proud in the garden for all of ten minutes before Harry Redknapp and Daniel Levy drove past and offered me £15M for my creation. I accepted. Apparently he's a perfect replacement for Jermaine Jenas in midfield because he won't melt as fast when the spot light is on him.

Aaaaaaaaaand, I thank you.

Robbie Keane is back, making a mockery of Liverpool, Tottenham’s transfer policy and Keane himself. Yes, I know. We never wanted to sell him in the first place. It’s not been a pretty transfer window, has it? Or has it?

Re-signing someone we sold has been the general trend that Levy and Redknapp have adhered to this month. Financially we’ve written off a lot of debt (and the £8M more we spent to bring back Jermain Defoe cancels out the £8M we got from Liverpool for our Irish loan deal star). The whole sorry state of the Keane affair rests with the politics at Anfield between Rick Parry and Rafa Benitez.

“You want Gareth Barry? He’ll cost us £18M. I'm not bidding £18M for Barry. Let’s sign Robbie Keane instead for £20M. What’s that? You don’t want Robbie Keane? Tough. He’ll have to do”

You can't blame Keane too much. Boyhood dreams are hard to ignore. The obvious downside is that we’ve not had him for the past six months and his form and confidence is shot. Although if we had of kept him in the summer, re-signing Jermain Defoe from Pompey might not have happened. Then again we probably would have signed Defoe regardless. Even though both players don’t exactly have the best working relationship on the pitch, it’s doubtful Harry would have ignored the opportunity even if it doesn't make logical sense. He'll have to work out this particular conundrum in 10 weeks from now.

Defoe picking up a nasty injury (which did not apparently exist prior to him signing for us and occurred during an indoor training session) has more or less forced us into re-signing Keane.

10 weeks without JD means we could not afford to place all hopes on just Pav and Bent. And that Utd kid. Whatshisface. Fact is, as ridiculous as this whole back and forth transfer merry-go-round is and the added risk that Keane might not be the same player he was when teamed up with Berbatov there was no better option out there for us. Better the devil you know. He's scored over 100 goals for us. He has that urgency we need and he’ll hit the ground running, probably with the aim to appease the Spurs fans that are uncertain about his return and more so Liverpool and Benitez for letting him go so soon.

He’s still eligible for a winners medal (under PL Rule 22c) so he won’t be able to play in the game up at Anfield on the final day of the season if Liverpool are still in with a chance to grab the title. Major conflict of interest. But it’s far more likely he will play as Utd will have been crowned champions long before that game. Let’s hope we don’t have to win there to stay up.

Liverpool fan at work was positively beaming this morning, telling me to ‘…have your crap back’. That's £8M worth of crap, thank you very much.

As for the fans that are banging on about how we should have signed Arshavin in the summer. Well yes, possibly but Zenit are an atrocious excuse for a football club when it comes to dealing with payments. And AA along with his agent have managed to whore themselves across Europe waving their knickers and flashing anyone who dares to look in such a shameless and embarrassing way that the positive hype has been drained out of the whole affair.

Arsenal have completed the longest drawn out panic buy in Premiership history. The player is joining the only club that showed an interest in him, he’s that desperate for a big money move. Not that Arsenal are a bad choice if playing in England is 'his dream' for the week. If he reignites their push for 4th spot he’ll be just as happy as Wenger who will be hailed a genius for such an intelligent purchase. Where he fits in once they have all their players back is anyone’s guess, but here’s hoping he flops and Arsenal finish 5th. You know, for a laugh.

The BBC get their knickers in a twist

Class player, complete mercenary. Not convinced he would have been right for us considering we have Modric in the side. It’s bad enough that Pav had 5 months of Russian football behind him when he signed for us and is still not 100% match fit IMO. Arshavin is a player that would need to be bedded in softly softly. Maybe if he was signed in the summer it would have worked out ok. Still, he’s meant to be shit hot right? How many clubs lined up for him? I’ll shut up now. If he plays on Sunday, he’ll probably dick us.

Elsewhere, we tried to offload our £4.5M teenager dos Santos to Portsmouth for £7M (the logic here being a ‘healthy profit’ too good to turn down). The deal fell through due to the fact that dos Santos is not match fit and Adams requires players he can use from the off. I’ve spoken about this before. We have a culture at Spurs of dismissing young players without any respect for patience and development. He can’t be that bad, surely? Does Harry not rate him at all? Is Levy prepared to put this down as another dud buy from our departed friend Comolli? In fact, was he bought as ‘one for the future’? Considering he’s been out injured for a while and thus not match fit, why are we looking to offload him with such casual dismissiveness?

dos Santos was exceptional during his days in the Mexican U17 and U21 teams. He showed promise at Barcelona but in his final season was very hot and cold. They sacrificed him because of the wealth of young talent they have there (Bojan is outstanding and a far better prospect). Or did they know he flattered to deceive? A one-footed forward with no extra dimensions to his game. Maybe Harry simply doesn’t think he is cut out for the fight we have ahead of us. Confidence wise, it can’t be good for the young lad. Another ‘one for the future’ Tomas Pekhart has joined Slavia Prague on loan. And Gunter has gone to Preston for a month. I’m hoping our academy team (that continue to impress in all the world-wide tournaments they compete in) don’t disappear into obscurity when they all turn nineteen.

So. Defoe, Chimbonda, Cudicini, Keane, Palacios. Does Harry now have the proper players he requires to help balance the team and add depth to the squad? Appiah is still with us, and has another month of getting fit and proving his worth before we have to make a decision about offering him a contract. Even though we were meant to give him a decision a week back.

So was this January a success?

• We needed a quality number two to cover and compete with Gomes. Done.

• We needed a central midfielder. Preferably a holding or defensive midfielder. Combative is what we ended up with signing Palacios who has a bit of everything. Done, sort of (and it does mean that we might well have to rely on Zokora stepping up in that holding position).

• We needed defensive cover. Chimbonda. Love him or hate him, we can now play Corluka as centre-back if need be. Pascal can play across the back four if called upon. Done.

• We needed a striker. We re-signed Defoe. Done, but fate had other ideas.

• We needed another striker due to DJ's injury. We re-signed Keane. We don’t have to concern ourselves just yet with how we plan to fit JD and RK in a starting line-up. I guess any striker signed would have had to be in the same mould as a Keane and Defoe, so we would have had the same dilemma regardless. So done.
  

But are we now defensively intelligent in midfield? Is Palacios the answer? What now for Jenas? Is the team (best starting eleven) now balanced from the back to the front? Can a team without a true left-winger work? Do we need a true left-winger? If Zokora is a Harry fav, then are we planning on sticking with the 5 in midfield and one upfront? Should we have signed a Crouchesque type of player (like we did with Kenwyne Jones)? Have we really improved the squad buying the player we need or have we opted for another round of scatter-gun bullet buys? Will Harry stop referring to the ‘we only had 2 points when I got here’ sound-bites?

Compared to some of the other clubs, and regardless of the fact we have re-signed players, we haven't done that badly in terms of bringing in quality. It's whether it all works out, second time around. Will the jigsaw pieces fit alongside the ones already slotted into the puzzle?

So many questions. All could be answered in 90 minutes this Sunday. Selection, formation, tactics, application. Harry takes 50% responsibility. The other 50% is down to the players.

I'm smiling. Nervously.

Today will be madness

If you take a quick look around the message boards and Sports pages you'll find the following gathering pace:

Keane coming back
Lennon to Liverpool
Bent leaving
Quaresma on loan
Jenas to Inter

Bringing Robbie back is embarrassing. We are bailing out Liverpool and the player himself. If we lose Lennon as part of the deal I'll be absolutely livid with the club. There is no guarantee that Keane will be the same player he was without Berbatov by his side and let's face it. He must be a little bit damaged by the experience. Boyhood dream in tatters. I'd rather take the risk in whether Lennon will develop into a player with end product than wonder if Keane will be able to reclaim his past Spurs form. Aaron is also much younger than Robbie.

Bent leaving is a strange one. We love to hate Darren. Sometimes, he appears to do nothing in a game. But he does score. He's a bit fragile, so maybe not the right type of player mind-set we need at the moment. I'd still rather hold onto him for now. You know. In case of another injury.

Quaresma is also a strange one. Talented with plenty of unfulfilled potential. Never settled in one place. Is he built for a relegation dogfight? How long will he take to bed in? And if you want to believe that Jose wants Jenas in exchange as part of a loan deal, then this transfer window has officially been tagged as loopy. Apparently, according to Jose, Ibrahimovic is more of a team player than Quaresma. Ouch.

What concerns me is that we haven't looked to actually fill the gaps. I guess apart from the left-wing position, if the Inter lad signs.

"We need strength, big players" - We buy lickle Jermaine. Who was carrying a knock and might now have a broken foot.

"We need people who want to play for this club and know what it means to put on the shirt" - We re-sign Chimbonda. Good olde loyal Shimbomba.

"We need a holding midfielder" - We sign Palacios. Who has 'everything in a midfielder I want' but isn't technically speaking a holding midfielder. Add to the mix, Zokora who Harry wants to continue playing which would then mean that we plan to continue lining up with a 5-man midfield. And if that's the case......do we need to keep spunking so much on forwards?

I'm frustrated. As much as you are, I'm sure.

Arshavin has apparently flown back home today having arrived in London yesterday. Not that Levy would dare place a cheeky bid for him after the summer fiasco with Zenit. Did Arsenal ever stand a chance in signing him? Considering how tight they are and how money obsessed Zenit are.

As I type this apparently Liverpool want Saviola and Spurs are interested also.....but Spurs are willing to back off if the Anfield club give us Robbie. These type of transfer bluffs seem to be happening with alarming occurrence.

I've stuck some popcorn in the microwave. Snowed in. Sky Sports ticker day for me.

Andrei's Magical Mystery Tour

This week I am mostly wanting to play in:

The Premiership.
by guest blogger Andrei Arshavin.

Hello, my name is Andrei. Andrei Arshavin. You might remember me from Zenit's UEFA Cup games when we achieved great success in lifting the silverware, defeating the Glasgow in Manchester. I also play for Russia and I am their star player. I'm sure you remember my famous baby-face cheek when celebrating a goal in the European Championships.

You know the one. It's when I look into the camera and shrug knowingly, with a glum yet ironically tinged pout of the lips, suggesting to the viewers I know they know how good I am and I don't mind it at all. No? You don't remember the celebration? Really? Here is a picture I have prepared for you to help jog your memory:

This is me. Andrei.

I am still playing my domestic football for Zenit, but want to play elsewhere. I must leave Zenit. I have been leaving them for many months now. This is not a debate, it is fact. My dream move would be to Barcelona. I have supported them my whole life and even own a shirt that my agent gave me to prove my loyalty to the Catalans whilst photographed by many reporters. Here is another picture of me with a Barcelona shirt when I was a little younger. They are my boyhood club and no matter who I play for, I will always play for them in my heart of hearts even when playing for someone else.

That is not lipstick. The photo has exaggerated the colour of my lush pink lips and made them look red, red like the colour of the Arsenal, one of my English dream moves if possible, please.

 
I think I would be perfect for Barca and players like Messi and Henry would compliment my special special play. Zenit need to allow me to go and follow my dream. My summer dream move to Tottenham was sabotaged by Zenit's greed. Yes I am worth more than £20M but do not hold everyone to ransom. Let me be free to claim my destiny. And look at Spurs. They are fighting relegation because I am not there to create goals for them. My good friend Roman is struggling without my cheeky yet deceptive skill. Same say Spurs have pre-contract with Zenit and Zenit wait for bigger bid first before selling. I say this is sh*t. It is rumour from the gutter.

My new dream move a couple of months ago was Bayern of Munich of Germania. This is a dream but Zenit did not allow me to achieve this destination. I am not a slave. Europe must not be denied my petulant magic on the field. My cheeky glum shrugging should not be anchored to Russian land only. Here is a picture of me:

Why so serious? Because I am serious to leave the Zenit

The winter transfer window is now open, and I believe I am a step closer to playing with my boyhood club Barcelona or Munich. My other dream club. However, I like England. My friend Roman says it's cold like Russia. My agent Mr Latcher is speaking with the Arsenal about a move. It is a dream to play in the Premiership and Arsenal. I also have a picture of me in a Arsenal shirt when I was young:

Proof of my Arsenal bloodline

I am counting the seconds down to the closure of the transfer window when Zenit finally allow me to follow my dream and depart for North London where I will destroy teams with my vision and tapestry of talent

I like North London. But not sure of the Spurs. Ramos is gone, no? Harry Redknapp has a scary face. If Barca, Bayern, Chelsea and Arsenal, if these dreams do not happen, then yes, why not Tottenham? My friend Roman is there. I speak to him regularly. But Spurs is no longer dream. Just a nap. And this High Road you have, I can not find Louis Vuitton anywhere.

Tottenham? It's not sexy.

But my heart is set. I must be a Arsenal player. My agent told me this and my dream is now clear. I must not wait any longer. They should pay Zenit all of the money up-front in cash. It is fair, no? I am worth it. I am a footballer and want to play football where my heart is, and my heart although its above my gut, its soul is in the Emirates Arena. Adebayor, van Persie, Walcott...... they will learn much from me and how to celebrate goals with true style.

Islington? Much more sexy than Tottenham High road.

Arsenal for me is the team I must be playing for. They must make sure my agent is happy and then I play for them. My agent understands football and what is dear to my heart. I hear good things about the Arsenal area. I visited recently when I was on holiday in London and it is my favourite place. I want to visit the Bierodrome in Angel. It has many beers. Russian beer as well I hope. And I hear many sexy girls in this place.

They are all angels in Angel, with wings to fly to my hotel

It is my dream to be with Islington girls. Many of them. Zenit must not stand in my way. My dreams for Barca, Munich and Chelsea are no more. I will be 100% committed and pray and pray Arsenal pay my worth to my club and then big holiday for Mr Latcher. If no deal, Mr Latcher will buy my contract and I will be free agent in the summer and then I go anywhere I want. For football reasons. And some money for Louis Vuitton. Yes - Arsenal is my dream.

Unless Manchester City want me. They are a big club building for Champions League. Bigger than Chelsea. Kaka is not great, but I am. They do not need Kaka and I can play golf and make goals for Bellamy. Bid for me City, if you want me to want you to be my dream.

Next week: It is my dream to play for Juventus and Inter.

It's a mad mad mad mad world...

Can someone find a moment to help me define what exactly constitutes a ‘flop’? Because Gio do Santos appears to be the very personification of one according the media who, almost every other week, like to tell us that he isn’t wanted by Spurs and that he is set to be shifted out (PSG the current tabloid choice of the week).

This is the same Gio that Harry Redknapp couldn’t wait to have back from injury. Oh yes, the wee lad has been out for a while and hasn’t been able to play. Did you not know that? Regardless of his injury how dare he fail to impress chilling on the treatment table listening to his ipod. What a waste of money hey?

Honestly, get a grip.

I know it’s the Jan transfer window and it’s the time of year when journalists, sports writers and editors all over the country lobotomise each other with pencils as they conduct a symphony of monkeys on typewriters who churn out transfer story after transfer story to the theme tune of Saint and Greavise. What? You thought Jenas to Madrid wrote itself?

We all know that the stories we read whilst munching on our coco-pops are an amalgamation of half-truths, guess-work, the bleeding obvious and agent whispers. Add to the mix Harry Redknapp and his batphone and the press are practically drowning in gossip column exclusives.

Gio is a talent. He’s young and proven at all international levels he’s appeared at for Mexico. Not the finished article by a longshot. He obviously isn’t as naturally gifted or talented as Bojan or Messi – but then you’ll be hard pressed to find players of the same age who are. He left Barcelona simply because of the likes of Messi. There’s no way in for him. Joining Spurs and finding himself playing for a team with no direction, structure or confidence isn’t the ideal way to kick-start your life in the Premiership. Getting injured and being out for a lengthy period sort of puts the dampers on any type of progression.

So unless Redknapp is telling fibs (that’s unpossible) why on earth would we want to get rid of a player that hasn’t had a chance to shine? A creative player, one that tore it up in the U17 World Cup back in 2005 and again in the U20 World Cup in ’07. A player we could do with as an option once we sign some 'proper' up-for-a-relegation-battle fighters to give us the required backbone to help protect him as he dinks down the wing.

Gio isn’t the only player ‘on his way’ according to our esteemed journo friends and their monkey companions. Bentley is also on the list. It’s fair to say he has been a titanic disappointment. Here’s a player that is basically very decent on his day. He isn’t great, but he’s very good and would grace practically all Prem clubs (apart from the top 4 who do possesses ‘great’ quality). However, our David, is too distracted by the fact that he thinks he’s great. Highlights and Beckham comparisons aside, when he isn’t star-jumping David is trying way too hard rather than simply playing for the team and doing the simple things. We’ve seen this before. We saw it with Gomes. Confidence is drained and you can’t even muster up school-boy basics. But selling him so soon after signing him is a pointless exercise (although if there is one club that is masterful at being pointless it's us). If Spurs manage to claw back some form, Bentley will most likely begin to shine.

He’s still actually the wrong type of player for Spurs. A bit superfluous at times, even when ‘on form’. Not the backbone made of steel type of team player Spurs have been crying out for 20 years. But then when have we ever gone out and signed the right type of player?

Another one who is set to leave WHL is our dear beloved Jermaine Jenas. The perpetually potentially 'great' box-2-box player. An enigma. Undroppable for so many seasons at Spurs, doesn’t do much unless it’s against the likes of Derby or a depleted Arsenal side. Yet on occasions is somehow inexplicable ‘missed’ from the team when he doesn’t play. You know what I mean? You’ve heard Spurs fans say it:

“I hate to say it, but we missed Jenas today”

You can’t explain why, but you find yourself believing it and when he does play, you’re smashing the keyboard as you punch your frustrations posting on a Spurs message board calling him 'useless'. What does Jenas do exactly? It's not an easy question to answer.

JJ has been linked with (as mentioned earlier) Madrid and also Everton and Wigan and probably one or two other clubs, with his value measured between £3.5M to £8M. If Palacios arrives at the Lane (and he plays as a DM) then is it really Jenas under threat or Zokora? Or will Harry play Palacios and Zokora together? And what of Appiah? Is he the backup plan in case we fail to bring in a bog-standard £15M (or so) signing? Palacios and Modric in centre-mid will do me just fine.

Then you have the forwards. Defoe (can he actually hold up the ball or beat the offside trap?), Pav (he's not been the country for long) and Bent (on his way to Villa?). A mish-mash of styles, none of them suited to play with each other. Otherwise, why would we be courting the ever-smiling Craig 'who took a dump in my corn flakes?' Bellamy?

Then there’s the story that has somehow fallen under the media's radar concerning Arshavin. Arsenal haven’t actually made a bid (which explains Latcher’s insistent moaning) and Spurs and Zenit have long agreed a deal, the basis being that if nobody matches it then he signs for Spurs. Yep, that’s right. Transfer fee as well as personal terms all agreed and sorted. It was all agreed and sorted back at the last deadline, till around 11:40pm when Zenit started playing silly buggers again and the deal failed to complete by midnight. But the agreement stayed in place. If nobody bids the exact same amount of more, then Zenit have to process the deal cometh the deadline. And when is the deadline? 16th January. Today. Must be true cause I read it in an internet fourm, LOLZ.

If you’re going to ask me to hold onto my hat, don’t bother. I’ll probably be eating it later on. If those pesky monkeys haven’t got a hold of it before me.

Lachter

Leech.

Lachter says he is still confident Arshavin will be leaving the club in the January transfer window.

"That is what is going to happen," he added.

"There are 10, 15, 20 teams who are interested in him. The question is can they afford him?"

Arshavin obviously wants to follow his dream.

Arshavin to the Arse

No surprise here then. Wenger's required 'spark' will cost them £20M or so, but like most transfers of this ilk, clubs never pay the full whack upfront. £14M, the rest in clauses dependent on performances and silverware. Deal has yet to be concluded, but more than likely to be done and dusted within 10 days. At least this means we won't be witnessing any more embarrassing whoring of the player.

But for £5M more we could have had him rather than JD, considering we lack a forward player of his ability. But then again, we could have had him in the summer had we meet Zenit's valuation then. No problem do we have spunking £15M or so on Bent and the same more or less on Bentley, but a genuine world-class player for a few extra shillings? No sir. Not us.

Don't fret though. He's over-rated innit. Will probably flop. A Woolwich Rebrov (Reyes) if I've ever seen one.

Sigh.

UPDATE:

From Gutter Boy (GG.co.uk) who claims to be ITK about this one:

It'll take 20m Euros (c.£18.5m) all up front immediately (no installments) to match what we've agreed with Zenit. Our agreement has to be matched or exceeded by 16 January, otherwise it automatically kicks in (hence Lachter's desperation to whore him out at the moment). If someone matches it it'll be up to the player to decide. We can of course enter into a bidding war as Zenit will sell to the highest bidders irrespective of Arshavin's wishes.

I guess that explains SSN stating that all will be done within 10 days (which will be the 16th Jan). Hand's up if you think Arsenal will win this much like they did with Petit? When we win, we get Zokora. When they win, they get the likes of Bergkamp and we end up with the Armstrong's of this world. No Comolli, yet somehow nothing looks like changing.

I'm also uncertain on the ITK info being, well you know, true. And if it's not then Arsenal are in for the player all on their own, and the only loser will be Zenit, who probably won't get anywhere near the amount offered to them in the summer by us.

It's Christmas!

And it wouldn't be Christmas without a little ITK gossip, would it?

This is an extract from an interview in the Russian media with the right honourable Mr Lachter (Arshavins Agent/spokesman). Translated by Miles at GG.

Having learned of all the troubles going on at Tottenham, do you as before regret that Zenit didn't let Arshavin go to London in the summer?

I never regret anything. It is good that the transfer broke off. I know about the current situation at Tottenham a little better than the fans do. There is no good news waiting around the corner for Spurs. I spoke last week with Redknapp and, to put it mildly, is not at all happy. He is having a serious confrontation with the chairman, Levy - recently they have only been communicating with each other through the press. He said that Spurs had spent a fortune on inexperienced players. What is more, on players that were not at all those whom the fired Ramos wanted but those whom the now former sporting director, Damien Comolli wanted. With those such as Pavlyuchenko, Ramos was simply faced with this fact: he wanted Arshavin but they bought him a different Russian.

Ooh who to believe? Do we believe the football agent, who by his very nature knows nothing more than lies and mis-information? Or do we hold out for January and wait and see if Harry has to dig through the bargain basement to pick up a 'proper player' or two. Which still wouldn't prove a thing about this alleged falling out.

Get your money on a Redknapp resignation. Worth a punt, just in case. Yeah, like fuck. Harry is simply using the media to help Levy compound the blame on the departed Comolli. It's all just a way of accepting mistakes have been made. But who's gonna complain or start pointing fingers again when good old Harry is being upfront and honest about things? It's like we have one of our own in the managers position, echoing how we feel about the team and its performance.

Falling out, my arse. If Levy is stupid enough to appoint someone and then fall out with him over transfer targets just after scrapping the DoF system, then sure, it will validate everything I've said about the incompetent Levy and I'll begin in earnest to organise a 50,000 man march to the White Hart Lane in protest, where much fist shaking will vigorously take place.

Spurs will sign the players we need - the exact type of players Harry wants - come this Jan window. And being held to ransom by Zenit for a player who will possibly make little impact from the off in a team that requires instant impact, should be the least of anyone's concern.

Arse Shaving hurts

Latest news is an echo of what we know already. He was in London (for Pav's birthday as well as speaking to an unnamed Prem club) and has now flown out to the Dominican Republic for his hols.

I think it's time to close this one off and look forward to signing an unknown continental/African player or one from the Championship (less of the Raziak ilk) instead.

I've even dismissed the possibility of re-signing Defoe as I keep forgetting that Man City will simply bid whatever over-estimation Pompey (or whoever else) price tag their players with.

Liverpool want rid of Keane? Sell him to City for £25M.
Pompey are broke? Sell Defoe and Johnson to City a cool £20M each.
Owen? Walk to City and get paid 200k per week for just scoring goals in the month leading up to January.
Zokora, best DM in the country, sell him to City for £30M.

Endless possibilities.