Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy

How are you feeling? I'm feeling parched. In fact I'm worse than that. I'm dehydrated, lips dry and cracked and gasping for a drop of water. The vast sandy plains of the desert is a never-ending landscape of nothingness. Unbearable heat, sun burning the skin raw, one mirage after another after another playing constant tricks on my eyes.

And when I finally see something in the distance, and I sense in my heart of hearts it's not a mirage and I crawl towards it praying I get there before I black out…I reach for it hoping and praying it’s the miracle I've been waiting for but all I find in my hands is a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. An ironic sick joke and as helpful to a man dying of thirst as a saxophone is to an astronaut walking on the surface of the moon.

Welcome to this seasons summer transfer window.

Today is Wednesday. Nothing has happened. Yesterday was Tuesday, nothing happened. And tomorrow (Thursday) is also scheduled for nothing.

Such is the desperation that even the rumours and the ITK gossip is as dry as a grain of sand in the Sahara. We see Zokora going to Sevilla, but then it's off…but it could be on again. Who knows? Bent is over-priced and nobody appears to be interested. Apart from Sunderland who might want him if the price is right, but Harry might want Jones so nothing might happen here. Or maybe it will because Crouch is being linked to a move to the Stadium of Light. But he's also being linked with us, but only as a back-up option. Meaning someone has to be our main target. But if we had a main target, we'd surely know who it is. No? Answers on a postcard.

Bentley was going to Villa and we were signing Young. This was then followed by the Spurs invasion of Madrid to pick-up the Dutch players pushed aside by the return of the Galacticos. Alas, the mind is playing cruel tricks again. It was just an hallucination. Here's hoping that the Pennant rumour is also a full blown mirage too. What next? A cheeky bid for Rohan Ricketts? The return of the Ginger Pele?

Pav is linked with a different club every week. Either his agent is desperately trying to orchestrate a move for him or we are trying desperately to orchestrate a move for him. Or the tabloids are trying desperatley to orchestrate a story. Nobody is interested. Much like nobody is interested in Boateng, but then who would be if we are trying to claim back what we paid for him in the first place. If Levy is being this shrewd we might never sell him. Or Gio for that matter, who has no future at the club. Harry doesn't fancy him. He fancies a bit of Adel, but the young midfield maestro fancies us as much as I fancy Courtney Love to eat a plate of steak and chips.

O'Hara to Fulham? Swap Jamie for Tom Huddlestone and you've got the same rumour for two different players and every other week just mix it up by changing the story from 'we don't wont to sell' to 'they won't pay what we want'.

Bale to go? No chance. Wouldn't even loan him out. Considering how many players we are meant to be selling, we won't have a squad left considering we are not yet opening the floodgates for incoming signings. Gunter on the other hand may well be surplus to requirements. If he's not, he'll definitely be out on loan because we have more players for the right-back position than Leyton has Polish residents.

Talking of right-backs, if Harry manages to re-locate Pascal Chimbonda - expect him to be sold on for a loss and signed back at Christmas. Apparently he's been sighted in Goa, but it's being suggested it's just a look-a-like.

And as for players we want to sign. With the Dutch lads at Madrid all 'dead in the water' (not literally, that would be murder) we have to persist with stories about how we are once more back in for the Welsh injury-prone version of Robbie Keane, Craig Bellamy.

Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy.

Heat stroke has kicked in and the desert mocks me further with a mirage of Comolli drinking Evian.

There's no coming back from this, unless the sky clouds over, dark and brooding, and a thunderous roar leads to relentless rain drowning me in hope.

Will I be saved? Nobody knows. At the moment I have to make do with crawling my way from one false hope to the next, as I progress to the next stage of delirium, heading towards ireversable insanity.

Hold up...I see a miracle...A MIRACLE! ENGLAND ARE THRASHING THE AUSSIES AT THE CRICKET! It's not a Spurs transfer deal, but it will do.

I'm finally at peace.

i-Zoko for sale, battery life good, playback erratic

You've purchased a brand new mp3 player. You had it imported from abroad. Cost you a packet too. But you had no choice having had your previous model nicked. Your new player might not be a known brand over here in the UK but its likely to make a name for its self based on reviews you read.

It's sturdy, no flashy gimmicks and does exactly what it says on the box. Or at least that's what you hoped when you removed all the bubble wrap and packaging. The reality was altogether a little disappointing.

Instructions state that it needs a decent battery charge before inital playback and that the more times it's used the better the quailty gets. And battery life is decent, but the device fails to improve with usage. In fact, it gets worse, none of it aided by the low intelligence of the application.

It has no problem switching on and off, but the shuffle hardly works and most times it takes more than one touch to get anything to work. When selecting fast-forward the player doesn't stop. The search option is non-responsive and when you think you've found one thing you end up with something different. It also struggles with varying formats.

But worst of all the player spends most of the time jumping up and down after prolonged periods of playback.

You find yourself gutted that you've spent £80 on something that isn't up to the job. So your only option is eBay. Except nobody is interested in buying a second-hand player with clumsy playability for the same amount of money you bought it for.

Knock off a few quid.

£40 should get you one or two interested buyers. You might even manage to sell it to someone outside of the UK where they still rate this particular player highly. I hear it's very popular in Spain.

Talking of which, Didier Zokora is looking for clarification on his future with Sevilla sniffing for his signature. Don't think he has a future with us so best we look to off-load him and stick the money in the transfer pot.

No need for eBay. Just accept he isn't worth the transfer fee we originally paid for him and move on.

How Ruud will Harry be?

With Huntelaar, Higuaín and Negredo - 'van Gol' is surplus to requirements at Real Madrid, even though prior to his injury he was outstanding. You wonder why they wouldn't want to retain the services of one of the best goal-scorers in world football. A goal-scorer that won them La Liga back in '07.

All round play is superb. Holds the ball up well. Can head it. Can goal-poach. Can team play. We all know just how good he is. Whether it was at United or for the White Storm. The reason for the cheap fee is his age (32) and the fact he is set to return from knee surgery again.

Raul it seems is untouchable, which is good news for us. Or anyone else that might be looking for a cheeky bid.

It's not exactly one for the future, but may well be a shrewd effective signing. Davidsesque, but more even more effective on the pitch as well as off it. His presence would bring stability up-front. Whether he partners Keane or Defoe, you can see him fitting in with ease. And you can see him displaying a ruthless appetite in-front of goal. We’ve haven’t quite got back our mojo back since the Keane/Berba break-up last summer.

I won't be upset if this happens. No Spurs fan should be. With Modric pulling the strings and possibly another creative player added to the fold (whether it's on the left-hand side or down the middle) we may well be on a merry jolly in 2010.

But fitness wise, it's a risk. Then again £1.25M is not a lot compared to £16M which is what we usually spend this time of year. So apart from the hefty wage he'll still command, there is little risk. Or maybe there is?

But if he does get injured and Bent has been sold and Pav moved on, we are back to square one.

Although I'm making the assumption that Pav will be moved on. You get the feeling that Hiddink hit the nail on the head citing complacency as the real reason behind Romans average form so not sure how he will regain confidence if he has to sit on the bench for most of the season with the undroppable Keane and RvN upfront. And Harry might get back £10M or so from selling Pav leaving him with plenty of left-overs to use up on other signings. £1.25M is nothing in todays market.

We need four strikers cometh the start of the season. Four that will be willing to work as part of a squad (i.e. no crying when on the bench). So logically if RvN does sign then we’ll start the season with him, Keane, Defoe and Obika. Logically? I did say assumption earlier so let's see how much influence Pav's agent has in the matter and whether Harry really does need to raise those funds.

Conundrum time then for Two Points Eight Games Redknapp. If he’s still manager of Spurs of course. What, you’ve not heard? Milan Mandaric apparently has sent out an army of pigeons to drop off  invitations requesting Harry's return to his spiritual home of Fratton Park. He's got the key to the city you know. We are doomed.

Jesus wept.

Stay tuned for tomorrows exclusive headline: SPURS TO RE-SIGN GARY DOHERTY.

It’s time for the Ginger Pele to come home. Start believing.

All Quiet on the Tottenham Front

Frazier Campbell has returned to Utd and the lad is already being linked with a move to Hull. Sunderland are looking at Darren Bent and there’s this rumour from a ‘you know who deep throat nudge nudge wink wink’ who is sharing info that out £14M Russian forward has handed in a transfer request. No doubt the tabloids will pick up on this and run with an exclusive in 3...2...1...

I'm bored.

I don’t know whether it’s the sudden realisation that we were never quite as interested in Gareth Barry as we were led to believe, which ironically included me taking Redknapp's comments at face value and then pretending not to take notice of some of the red top headlines who had us competing with City for his signature. A touch of hypocrisy. I preach that people shouldn't listen to the hype, yet part of me did and wanted to believe it. Just a little part. No, not that part. I'm talking percentages in the commodity of belief. About 2% if you're interested. It was a weak moment and I must repent. Barry has also repented it would seem. Bless him.

Regardless of all this it didn't quite get the juicies flowing. Not in a 'BRAZILAIN WONDERKID DIEGO TO SPURS' kinda way (remember that transfer saga and Pleat's antics?)

Nothing has got the juicies flowing since the season ended. But then it has only just ended. I guess for once we're not quite at the forefront of the tabloid backpages, with City and Chelsea dominating for the moment.

I don't mind us going about our business on the quiet, but this is Levy and it's Redknapp and I doubt it's going to be all hush hush. But then it's not a bad thing if all we get is dis-information and then suddenly from left-field we sign a left-winger, with no leaks pre-contract shared online or in the press. Out of the blue is the way to work it.

But then, that's no fun.

Maybe the people who follow ITK gossip have it right. It’s like crack. It’s addictive as hell and will probably destroy you in no time if you keep on taking it in. But boy, what a rush.

Damn it, I'm conflicted.

Currently, there are plenty of names mentioned but nothing overly attractive flattering its eyelids at Levy and his cheque book.

Even Corluka is whoring targets, citing Srna and Krancjar as players Harry is apparently keen on. Some fans are jumping on player quotes (‘I am available for a club who wishes to have me’) and hoping, wishing Spurs take note. Carvalho anyone?

2+2=4? Nope not really. It's more Fibonacci sequence. Ain't got a sodding clue.

Elsewhere, there is still no indication whether Mansion is staying on as our sponsor or what the new kit looks like (other than that white training shirt with the yellow strips).

It’s the calm before the storm and along with every other Spurs fan, I’m suffering withdrawal symptoms after a season where almost every second was lived out like it was a 1000 days.

I guess I need to look elsewhere for an alternative non-transfer related football fix until something breaks out on the Sky Sports ticker.

Whether I end up lurking in message boards waiting for the very gossip I lambast most days or just go cold turkey remains to be seen.

For the moment, I rest easy in the trenches. With a bottle of rum.

The greatest trick Rocha ever pulled...

....was convincing the world he didn't exist.

And what a grand job he did of it.

Ricardo Rocha has left Tottenham having only ever made 18 apperances for the club. That's 18 games in two and a half years of transitional seasons at the Lane and even when we were down a couple of centre-backs he still never got his chance. I guess, in comparison to Gilberto (who also recently left the club...at least I think he did...was he ever there to start with?) Ricardo was a little more dignified. When he did play he wasn't too shabby. Unlike the Brazilian who was.

Quite a few reserves and academy players have also been released. Ironcially, the same bunch I always free transfer when I take over Spurs in FM2009.

In other news today, Damien Duff has been linked to Spurs.

Cough.

Seriously, it's only Monday. And we have another week of this transfer gibberish to get through. What we need is a true masterclass in ITK information to get everyone buzzing. Something tasty and realistic.

Let's join hands and pray...

the truth is not quite out there at the minute

If you believe the tabloids Harry is considering selling Modric and replacing him with Joe Cole. Richardson is an £8M target and for some reason Gareth Barry is mentioned as a possibility when in all probability he is more likely to go to Arsenal. And then there's the story in the Sunday Mirror about the Portsmouth takeover and the suggestion that the new owners want to bring in Redknapp for what would be his third reign at the club.

Shocking.

To make matters even worse, this is meant to be the new Spurs kit (sponsorless for the moment):

More rumourwhoring here including source for above

Shocking.

It’s Sunday. Still time for me to go to church and pray that the truth will out. And that it’s a little less ugly than it’s looking at the moment.

Understanding the £20M Spurs bid for Kenwyne Jones

Two men having a conversation:

"Hello guv, I was just walking past and noticed that hedge-trimmer on your lawn and was wondering if I could buy it off you. I'll pay you £20,000"

"Sorry, you'll do what?"

"£20,000 for the hedge-trimmer right there"

"You live across the road don't you? You've already got a hedge-trimmer and a grass-cutter and a couple of lawn mowers. Why would you possibly want this one. It's no better than what you have already?"

"The ones I have belonged to the previous owner. He left them behind. I prefer your hedge-trimmer. Reckon it will do a better job. Looks reboust, a little akward perhaps, but reckon it can do the job far more effectively"

"Better than what you've got already?"

"I think so"

"For £20,000? It's only worth £50"

"Ok. I understand"

"Great. Now you'll leave me alone?"

"No. I'll pay you £40,000 for the trimmer"

"Look mate, I don't need the money, ok? Leave us, me, alone"

"Sorry, what?"

"I'd like to keep my hedge-trimmer thank you very much. I don't need the extra cash, ok?"

"Let me get this straight. I just offered you £40,000 for a hedge-trimmer and you're turning it down?"

"Yes. The trimmer is happy where it is thank you very much. It's happy, I'm happy, my garden is happy"

"That's a bid of £40,000 for a hedge-trimmer that on reflection is probably not value for money compared to what I own already and if I walk down the High Road and shop around I'll probably find a better model and yet you don't want to take the money?"

"Nope. I have a rich American uncle"

"But it's like me offering you £10,000 for that flowerpot over there. It's only worth 60p. How can you possibly reject my bid? It's ludicrous!"

"How can you possibly make such a ludicrous bid in the first place?"

A moments silence follows.

"I'm mental I am"

"So am I"


The end.

Scott Brown is a little bit of a grey area

Scott Brown is apparently on his way to Spurs. So say the assortment of ITK characters living up in Scotland and the ones who are said to be privy to inside information down South that confirm the Celtic midfielder is set to move to N17 for a cool fee of around £10M. You'll have read this already I'm sure on one or two blogs out there along with the usual busy forums that churn out this type of transfer tat long before the red tops get wind of it.

Except this time, it's not so much tat but tangible possibility.

So who is Scott Brown? What type of player is he? And are we over-spending? If, of course, this is actually happening. But for the sake of it, let's pretend it is.

I haven't seen enough of him and there is plenty of debate to be found at the minute where people throw around the usual 'Scottish football is shit' argument to validate their opinion that Brown is over-rated whilst other say he is a robust far more competitive and mentally strong version of Jermaine Jenas. He had an off season recently due to personal issues which affected his goal-scoring ratio (and has increased his yellow-card tally), but otherwise is highly rated and can handle himself more than most - which isn't a bad thing considering the thunderous nature of the Old Firm derby games.

It's easy I guess to spew out countless (recent) Scottish players who have failed to impressive in England (Barry Ferguson anyone?). Hutton hasn't done badly for us and looks more than suitable for the Prem and I'm sure that will be the case once he is back to full fitness.

Brown has a great motor and can run all day, capable of making effective runs into the box. He can track back and tackle. But apparently also gives the ball away needlessly and is young and still needs to develop his all-round game.

Bleeding 'eck, he is the Scottish version of Jenas.

For the price being quoted you'd except him to start alongside Wilson giving us a proper hard nut central midfield pairing. So what of Huddlestone, O'Hara, Zokora and of course JJ?

One of the ITK side-rumours relates to a £6M deal rising to £10M with a player moving to Celtic. Can only see Jamie making that move, if there is any truth in it.

Celtic fans obviously rate Brown but seem fine to take £10M off us. I need more in the way of opinion to understand if this is the right type of player we need. Apparently his first touch isn't great (Zokora anyone?) and doesn't have the passing range of Huddlestone. But his drive and passion is unparalleled.

So is Harry looking towards having a fighting midfield rather than a creative one? Or will Wilson and Brown boss it, allowing Modric to conduct offensive play?

Or are we paying Celtic £10M for a Palacios understudy - which is something we do need if we are working towards a strong squad. But £10M?

Is this a risk too far?

Willie McKay is his agent by the way.

Done and dusted then.

Carlito's Way is this way and that way

Here's one for you.

Back page, Spurs 'gutted' that their £18M move for Tevez (one that Carlos is liking) might well be dashed by Liverpool who are prepared to splash out £50M on the Argentine. Then a few pages into the Sports section, we are told that Rafa has a £30M war-chest for new players but has to sell in order to generate more funds.

Wonderful creativity from Kia Joorabchian.

Can someone please think of the children?

'Messi to Spurs' because I read it on the internet, innit

Someone asked me what happens to football bloggers in the quiet summer months. I answered, 'Quiet? Are you f*cking kidding me?' Once the transfer window opens, it's a little like the finale to Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Sunnydale is obliterated by a hellmouth.

And ground zero for our particular summer transfer hellmouth is the internet.

Once the tabloids exhaust all their football agent information they look towards the various message boards and copy and paste any in the know stories they deem worthy of the back pages…i.e. all of them. You'll be surprised how many message board threads end up on the Sky Sports ticker as 'exclusives'.

We've already been linked to Muntari, Upson, Cisse, Tevez, Ballack and Drogba (I kid you not), Cruz along with rehashes of Jones and Downing. And that's just a quick overview. Add to them the various continental players that have cited Spurs as a possible destination and you're just getting started. And it's still May. But all of these are your bog standard examples.

The In the Knows have yet to awake from their winter slumber.

We all know (bullshit radar on full pelt) that most of the players mentioned above (about 97% of them) are not genuine targets. Agents and players are in the habit of using our name just to put themselves out there. Others are just desperate for any kind of media coverage to get their current club to offer them a better deal. Others are simply delusional (yes, that's you Cisse, you fruitcake). The 3% are probable targets in the way that logically we could see them in a Lilywhite shirt because they fit the profile - i.e. affordable, required, Spurs type signing.

Others are likely because they fit Harry Redknapp's transfer target profile. Which might or might not be a good thing. Though he did strike gold with Wilson.

I got a lot of stick several months back for 'having a go' at the In The Know culture that exists and the quite prominent grapevine of whispers that many of us our privy to by simply being a member of any given Spurs forum. ITK's are people who are, well, obviously in the know. Whether its because they know people at the club or know people who know people or have some other deep throat connection that results with information about a possible transfer being shared online.

Now and again, some strike gold with their information. It's rare, and equally interesting how other signings come out of the blue and are never picked up by the very same people who would have you believe Kuyt (we ended up with Berbatov) or Torres (like this was ever on the cards) is about to sign. You'll always spot a bit of ITK info as they usually sign off with 'take it or leave it' or 'believe it if you want to' and talk in percentages (i.e. He's on his way, deal is about 87% done, likely to happen but you never know, might be a last minute glitch, wants more money than we've offered, but looking good).

It's a 'don’t shoot the messenger' ethos they live and die by. Although some do take it far too seriously. Not that they are always solely responsible for the info as sometimes they are simply passing on something that has been given to them. The problem is that there is no way of knowing whether the info has been dressed up or has been given to the ITK as a joke/dis-information.

True ITK's, you'd think, would not want to share any information, for reasons as to avoid placing the deal at risk and being discovered by other possible would-be-interested clubs.

People who spot a player arriving or leaving the Spurs training ground is altogether a different kettle of fish. That's not really ITK, is it? If you see someone out and about. Then at that point it's not really something that the club are trying to keep under wraps.

Guess this where the necessity to know something before everyone else drives people to extreme measures to get hold of said information (climb trees overlooking the Lodge) that might suggest who is about to sign for us. Even though it wont change the fact that said player may well sign. Is there a difference between knowing something 24 hours before it happens and just waiting for it to happen?

I guess, what is far more interesting is transfer deals that fail and the reasons behind the failure (remember the epic 'Diego' tug of war with Santos?). The Duff saga is a perfect example of when ITK info is far more interesting, although there is nothing to suggest any of it is ITK. Anyone could have told you he signed for Newcastle for the money.

I offended one or two people several months back because I criticised the culture (some people who dare to be critical of ITK people are banned from forums). I'm not going to stir up trouble again. I do think the obsession with some ITK's who post cryptic messages that could be translated to mean absolutely anything is tragic. But do agree that the information is there…take it or leave it. Take it seriously or don't. It's probably on par with anything you read in the tabloids anyway. And like I said, sometimes, one in two hundred, get it right.

Any ITK info posted on this blog during the summer months will be credited to the originator and will only be posted if the original 'rumour' was posted in the public domain. Anything that’s privately shared will stay that way. Wouldn't want another fatwā issued my way.

So, hold onto your hats, and expect to drown in a flurry of sightings and medicals and morning press conferences.

Here's to signing the new Zidane. That's Zidane, not Zokora. Thank you very much.

Can you tell I'm far more mellow with all this now?

Cisse to Tottenham

Yesterday, I was sat in the corner of my room, slowly rocking backwards and forwards crying quietly at the news that Spurs were linked with Joey Barton. Emotional, psychologically and physically a complete meltdown of a mess. But enough about Barton. I was struggling to come to terms with this transfer news.

Having then recovered with an intense therapy session (watching the 1981 FA Cup final) I ventured out today, almost skipping the streets with the renewed optimism of a man that would rather dismiss any tabloid gossip and simply retain faith in the chairman and manager of the club to do the right thing.

Barton to Spurs? Never.

My day can not and will not be ruined.

That was true, until I found myself drowning in news feed articles relating to a one Djibril Cisse. I say one, because you'd be hard pressed to find two players of the same ilk.

What does Cisse do exactly? Apart from haircuts with colours and body art?

I could feel a panic attack coming on. Seconds later I relapsed.

Surely this is just another in a long line of PR stunts by a football agent to get his client some column space in preparation for the summer transfer market?

A glass of water and a ten minute meditation session (Arsenal 4 Spurs 4) had me back to a composed, logical state of mind.

I reviewed the story.

Conclusion?

Cisse threw a strop over a clash of egos with 'arch-rival' Kenwyne Jones. So Cisse decides to resort to childish playground games suggesting he is joining Spurs, to spite Jones who has been linked with us since the last transfer window.

If we wanted a player just like Cisse, then we may as well graffiti-spray Darren Bent from the neck down, dye his hair white, blindfold him and then tie his feet together with industrial strength tape.

He'd be three times more productive than the original. And on par with Robbie Keane.

Barton to Tottenham

Is the type of headline that would have me burning effigies outside White Hart Lane, day and night, all summer long. No actual quotes from Harry Redknapp yet some of the tabloids have deemed it newsworthy to state that Spurs are ‘keeping tabs’ on Barton. Yes, because we really need someone who fails to conduct himself on and off the pitch. Ledley King’s arrest is fairly inconspicuous in comparison to how Barton goes about his everyday life.

In pure footballing terms, we don’t need a player of his ilk. We have Wilson, a panther on the pitch and gentleman off it. The last thing this club needs is a destructive force that would demoralise the dressing room and bring more unwanted attention to the club.

But we did, very publicly, court Craig Bellamy.

Club denial statement please. Otherwise the effigy gets it.