Tabloid exclusive: 'Germany invades Poland' - How Ruud

It’s Sunday which means regurgitated transfer news is once more vomited from the mouths of the media as we choke on yesterday’s food for thought. It's like Groundhog day with carrort chunks.

Apparently Harry is having a clear-out. No seriously, he is. Let’s disregard the fact that all clubs have clear-outs of varying magnitude from one season to the next or that Harry inherited a squad of players and that he is quite obviously not going to hold onto any deadwood because there’s no logical point to it as he wants to build a team of his own doing.

We’ve heard this gem about five times already since the end of the season. Along with the ones about Cisse, Santa Cruz and Gio. It’s almost like the journalists and editors of newspapers have some type of memory disorder, re-printing the same garbage week in and week out with complete impunity to criticism. And yet I can clearly see the irony of my good self once more shaking my fist vigorously towards them with blog article attack at the ready as I repeat my complaint.

The cycle can only be broken with an actual player signing for us.

Gio hasn’t impressed and doesn’t appear to have any future with us. Linking him away from the club is the most direct cause of action his agent can take but at least this time the rumours are being printed in Spain so we may see him escape back to La Liga. I'm sure he won't miss the English nightclubs.

Ruud van Nistleroy is being linked in a £1.25M bid. I think this one is brand spanking new (although we were linked a year or so back).

Another rumour that’s been knocking around for a few days relates to Paul Robinson returning to WHL.

Seriously, what next? A dead parrot?

Richard Dunne done the rounds back in January and I’m not alone in thinking this is would be a sideways signing.

But along with Ruud, you can see Harry doing some triffic bit of business with these two ‘experienced Premiership’ players, adding a bit of steel to the squad. Even though Ruud is likely to suffer from injury quirks and Dunne is no better than what we’ve got.

Ashley Young is a right-winger who players left-wing for Villa (I think he's naturally right-footed but please do correct me if I'm wrong) and a former target who we turned down the chance of signing first time round due to the excessive £7M (or whatever it was) fee. Back in again according to the red-tops for £8M + Bentley in the opposite direction. Chelsea the other interested club.

And did someone say Joe Cole?

I’m waiting for the Downing rumours to re-emerge (more so than they did last week with the story that Boro were finally willing to let him go) and conclude with an undisclosed fee to Spurs thanks to his broken bone.

Petrov and Babel are two former targets and tabloid favs of the transfer grapevine which will no doubt do the rounds (keep track and you’ll notice there’s a rota).

Young won’t join and I hope he doesn’t as I’m not convinced he’s half as good as people think he is. He’s decent but we can do better, unless we can’t, but even if we can’t he won’t come to us. He’ll want to step up to a Top 4 club. Which is ironic as he isn’t Top 4 quality. Which would then make him perfect for us.

And breathe.

Neither will Cole join – who I think was linked via the message boards. Not sure the press have picked up on this one quite yet. I doubt we’ll go anywhere near Santa Cruz (just not worth the transfer fee being quoted) and Cisse to Spurs is pure fantasy.

Robinson? Amazing journalism there. Someone got paid for that. They actually got paid sterling. No dis-respect to Robbo who was a personal fav of mine during his time at WHL, but he signed a long term contract at Spurs and then fluffed it along with the ball in practically every game. Shocking lack of management and loyalty saw him get worse and never better and eventually sold to Rovers. We then spend £9M on a replacement. Now, having him return while the replacement is sold on would quite simply be the most comical clusterf*ck ever. Let's be done with it and just re-sign Ian Walker.

Which then leaves us with Ruud. He has the pedigree but like I said, does have injury issues. He’s been out for ages at Madrid. But his form prior to that was ridiculously good. For £1.25M I’d snap him up. But then, how do I know this isn’t just another Sunday daydream from a monkey with a typewriter?

Once more, I turn to my precious bottle of twenty-three year old rum and search for the answer at the bottom of it.

Cisse to Tottenham

Yesterday, I was sat in the corner of my room, slowly rocking backwards and forwards crying quietly at the news that Spurs were linked with Joey Barton. Emotional, psychologically and physically a complete meltdown of a mess. But enough about Barton. I was struggling to come to terms with this transfer news.

Having then recovered with an intense therapy session (watching the 1981 FA Cup final) I ventured out today, almost skipping the streets with the renewed optimism of a man that would rather dismiss any tabloid gossip and simply retain faith in the chairman and manager of the club to do the right thing.

Barton to Spurs? Never.

My day can not and will not be ruined.

That was true, until I found myself drowning in news feed articles relating to a one Djibril Cisse. I say one, because you'd be hard pressed to find two players of the same ilk.

What does Cisse do exactly? Apart from haircuts with colours and body art?

I could feel a panic attack coming on. Seconds later I relapsed.

Surely this is just another in a long line of PR stunts by a football agent to get his client some column space in preparation for the summer transfer market?

A glass of water and a ten minute meditation session (Arsenal 4 Spurs 4) had me back to a composed, logical state of mind.

I reviewed the story.

Conclusion?

Cisse threw a strop over a clash of egos with 'arch-rival' Kenwyne Jones. So Cisse decides to resort to childish playground games suggesting he is joining Spurs, to spite Jones who has been linked with us since the last transfer window.

If we wanted a player just like Cisse, then we may as well graffiti-spray Darren Bent from the neck down, dye his hair white, blindfold him and then tie his feet together with industrial strength tape.

He'd be three times more productive than the original. And on par with Robbie Keane.