Jan transfer window shenanigans

Day 19 of the month of January and we've had plenty of nothingness thus far. The Sandro 'deal' appears to be nothing more than an amalgamation of possibilities, twisted and scrunched up presenting to us a story that is neither here or there. He's close to signing one minute, no chance the next. Other hack inspired stories tells us that we are after an experienced right-back...because, you know, because we're always short of this rare breed of a footballer.

Victor Moses is likely to sign for Arsenal rather than us where he will no doubt develop a God complex within the first three months of wearing their colours. Have we been linked to anyone else that we could perhaps pencil in as a serious target (rather than fantasy birthed from the Imaginarium of Doctor Murdoch)?

Ben Foster. We bid for him. Utd rejected the bid. We then denied any knowledge of any bid being made in the first place.

My oh my the excitement is almost at epic bed-wetting proportions. I'm positively glowing.

Pav is STILL at the club. He is, honestly, I read it in the papers. Apparently Zenit are no longer interested. But Roman should be content regardless. His wife is hot. Cue countless well at least he's scoring in bed jokes.

And on the subject of strikers, RVN has been re-linked. Again. Apparently we are 'in talks' with the great man. This is perhaps one whisper that I wouldn't shrug about if we managed to pull it off. So no doubt, it won't be happening. Right?

/scratches head

Odds on us signing zilch? I'd say pretty good at the minute. We are nearing nail biting territory. Last minute panic buy blatantly on the cards. Welcome back Raziak!

Unless we can draft Comolli back in for some last minute transfer shenanigans I think Harry might be content with the squad we have. I just hope we are strong enough to last the distance.

I also hope I'm proved wrong, and we do sign someone. Just make sure it ain't a bleeding right-back please Mr Levy.

'Get him to wear one of those George Best tight-fitted pink jumpers'

It's Monday and I'm already bored of this week. Once more, the break for Internationals manages to completely kill my buzz. I streamed the England game and managed to miss the penalty (Shev too) and the moment of genius defending from Rio followed by the Green red card. I did see their goal and hardly much of anything else. Juices not flowing much for this one.

The time I have spent on-line has varied from catching up with latest Studs-Up comics (blatant plug) and refreshing News Now every 10 seconds (even though it auto-refreshes all by itself) to see if there was anything worthy to write about. Guess what? Nothing. Not a thing. However today there seems to be one or two new items out there that are being discussed on various websites. I'll save you the bother of having to churn your way through them with this lazy lazy round-up. Hopefully by Wednesday we'll have another bookie hysteria episode with Harry 'set to be sacked' to break up the week and help gently guide us through to Friday where we can then start looking forward to the Pompey game.

Here's the round-up.


Redknapp to have ex-SAS as private guards for the Pompey game

Yeah, because he's going to really really need a crack unit of hardened experienced ex-squaddies to make sure all those rude words don't hurt his delicate little ears. I'm hoping this is simply a cover-story to distract us from the real reason they will be accompanying our coach. Operation: Destroy that annoying melter with the cow-bell.

Swap Deal Exclusive - Pav for Huntelaar

We all know our Roman (via his agent, Hiddink and the press) is once more looking to make a move out of N17 and out of England completely. And with Huntelaar failing to score in around 8 or so games for AC Milan and the fact that the tabloids had as linked with him through-out the summer, the blatantly obvious conclusion would be to add one and one. In this case, it equals a swap deal that both clubs would be happy to agree. Pav, who has shown no reason to be a player worthy of a AC Milan shirt will be happy to risk yet another bedding in period on the bench with KJH leaving Serie A to basically stand (sit) behind Crouch, Defoe and Keane at the mighty Tottenham Hotspur. Nailed on this one. Absolutely nailed on. Honestly, do the math. As a sweetener we should throw in Gareth Bale. Because we don't need any left-sided cover. Cue Downing bid. So what if he just joined Villa. So what if he's still injured. £15M will make it happen.

David James

International break over and a few days off before all the pre-match talk erupts for the weekend games, it's a perfect opportunity for more transfer musical chairs. Let's be logical about this. It's October. Two months and a couple of weeks and the transfer window re-opens, so its only right that David James is linked to us every 2-3 weeks. He got to play on Saturday and obviously every player in contention lusts for a place on the World Cup plane to South Africa which means a cameo here or there isn't enough and playing for Pompey is not exactly the best way to grab Fabio's attention. CC is currently doing a below average job between the sticks for us and Gomes, well, he's not quite 100%. I think. So that means we need a brand new goalkeeper. And not just any old cheap cover. And the fact James plays for one of our feeder clubs, its another unquestionable formula for success. Right? Of course it is. Sign James and when Gomes is fit then we have two players who will want to be number one, which will no doubt result in the Brazilian wanting to move on to pastures new.

Now I know some might argue that James could actually be nothing more than a replacement for CC and that Gomes is likely to be a longer-term number one. But why even bother with it? CC isn't great, but he's 'ok' until The Octopus is fit and ready for a full return to action. Invest in a young goalkeeper who could actually break into the side in the future.

Now if you find yourself bored of reading the James linkage as much as I do, then get ready for the twist. Apparently we have been 'thwarted' after a shock £3M bid for Paul Robinson.

Riiiiiiight.

We failed to attract Robbo back to the lane? Obviously the trial of sweets, chocs and other assortments of cup-cakes and ice-cream failed to lure the former 'England's Number One' back to his destiny as the Park Lanes favourite son.

£3M? Honestly? Thwarted? Really? Did Blackburn get Gandalf in to stamp his staff and shout 'You shall not pass' at us?

van Nistelrooy

Linked to us again. If anyone out there is handy at coding, please get in touch if you can think of a way to develop some type of attachment that would allow me to slap football journos in the face via email. I'm not talking about one of those girlie glove style gauntlet slaps. More two steps back and gritted teeth types of slap - right across the face.

dos Santos

Back from injury and wanting to once more prove himself. I say it's time for a fail-safe. Mini-bar at every corner of the ground and free-drinks if he manages to get a shot on target. Or get him to wear one of those George Best tight-fitted pink jumpers so he stands out more and people actually notice him. Because falling out of nightclubs is blatantly not working. Or perhaps send him back to Ipswich. He was good there. In the Championship. We hear about his attempted comebacks every few months, as often in fact as another International wonder-goal from Adel 'we should build our team around him' Taarabt. He's at Q.P.R. currently. In the Championship.


And that's the news that was. Some if it still is. And most of it will be back next month for the sixth time. Possibly seventh. Who's counting?

How Ruud will Harry be?

With Huntelaar, Higuaín and Negredo - 'van Gol' is surplus to requirements at Real Madrid, even though prior to his injury he was outstanding. You wonder why they wouldn't want to retain the services of one of the best goal-scorers in world football. A goal-scorer that won them La Liga back in '07.

All round play is superb. Holds the ball up well. Can head it. Can goal-poach. Can team play. We all know just how good he is. Whether it was at United or for the White Storm. The reason for the cheap fee is his age (32) and the fact he is set to return from knee surgery again.

Raul it seems is untouchable, which is good news for us. Or anyone else that might be looking for a cheeky bid.

It's not exactly one for the future, but may well be a shrewd effective signing. Davidsesque, but more even more effective on the pitch as well as off it. His presence would bring stability up-front. Whether he partners Keane or Defoe, you can see him fitting in with ease. And you can see him displaying a ruthless appetite in-front of goal. We’ve haven’t quite got back our mojo back since the Keane/Berba break-up last summer.

I won't be upset if this happens. No Spurs fan should be. With Modric pulling the strings and possibly another creative player added to the fold (whether it's on the left-hand side or down the middle) we may well be on a merry jolly in 2010.

But fitness wise, it's a risk. Then again £1.25M is not a lot compared to £16M which is what we usually spend this time of year. So apart from the hefty wage he'll still command, there is little risk. Or maybe there is?

But if he does get injured and Bent has been sold and Pav moved on, we are back to square one.

Although I'm making the assumption that Pav will be moved on. You get the feeling that Hiddink hit the nail on the head citing complacency as the real reason behind Romans average form so not sure how he will regain confidence if he has to sit on the bench for most of the season with the undroppable Keane and RvN upfront. And Harry might get back £10M or so from selling Pav leaving him with plenty of left-overs to use up on other signings. £1.25M is nothing in todays market.

We need four strikers cometh the start of the season. Four that will be willing to work as part of a squad (i.e. no crying when on the bench). So logically if RvN does sign then we’ll start the season with him, Keane, Defoe and Obika. Logically? I did say assumption earlier so let's see how much influence Pav's agent has in the matter and whether Harry really does need to raise those funds.

Conundrum time then for Two Points Eight Games Redknapp. If he’s still manager of Spurs of course. What, you’ve not heard? Milan Mandaric apparently has sent out an army of pigeons to drop off  invitations requesting Harry's return to his spiritual home of Fratton Park. He's got the key to the city you know. We are doomed.

Jesus wept.

Stay tuned for tomorrows exclusive headline: SPURS TO RE-SIGN GARY DOHERTY.

It’s time for the Ginger Pele to come home. Start believing.

Tabloid exclusive: 'Germany invades Poland' - How Ruud

It’s Sunday which means regurgitated transfer news is once more vomited from the mouths of the media as we choke on yesterday’s food for thought. It's like Groundhog day with carrort chunks.

Apparently Harry is having a clear-out. No seriously, he is. Let’s disregard the fact that all clubs have clear-outs of varying magnitude from one season to the next or that Harry inherited a squad of players and that he is quite obviously not going to hold onto any deadwood because there’s no logical point to it as he wants to build a team of his own doing.

We’ve heard this gem about five times already since the end of the season. Along with the ones about Cisse, Santa Cruz and Gio. It’s almost like the journalists and editors of newspapers have some type of memory disorder, re-printing the same garbage week in and week out with complete impunity to criticism. And yet I can clearly see the irony of my good self once more shaking my fist vigorously towards them with blog article attack at the ready as I repeat my complaint.

The cycle can only be broken with an actual player signing for us.

Gio hasn’t impressed and doesn’t appear to have any future with us. Linking him away from the club is the most direct cause of action his agent can take but at least this time the rumours are being printed in Spain so we may see him escape back to La Liga. I'm sure he won't miss the English nightclubs.

Ruud van Nistleroy is being linked in a £1.25M bid. I think this one is brand spanking new (although we were linked a year or so back).

Another rumour that’s been knocking around for a few days relates to Paul Robinson returning to WHL.

Seriously, what next? A dead parrot?

Richard Dunne done the rounds back in January and I’m not alone in thinking this is would be a sideways signing.

But along with Ruud, you can see Harry doing some triffic bit of business with these two ‘experienced Premiership’ players, adding a bit of steel to the squad. Even though Ruud is likely to suffer from injury quirks and Dunne is no better than what we’ve got.

Ashley Young is a right-winger who players left-wing for Villa (I think he's naturally right-footed but please do correct me if I'm wrong) and a former target who we turned down the chance of signing first time round due to the excessive £7M (or whatever it was) fee. Back in again according to the red-tops for £8M + Bentley in the opposite direction. Chelsea the other interested club.

And did someone say Joe Cole?

I’m waiting for the Downing rumours to re-emerge (more so than they did last week with the story that Boro were finally willing to let him go) and conclude with an undisclosed fee to Spurs thanks to his broken bone.

Petrov and Babel are two former targets and tabloid favs of the transfer grapevine which will no doubt do the rounds (keep track and you’ll notice there’s a rota).

Young won’t join and I hope he doesn’t as I’m not convinced he’s half as good as people think he is. He’s decent but we can do better, unless we can’t, but even if we can’t he won’t come to us. He’ll want to step up to a Top 4 club. Which is ironic as he isn’t Top 4 quality. Which would then make him perfect for us.

And breathe.

Neither will Cole join – who I think was linked via the message boards. Not sure the press have picked up on this one quite yet. I doubt we’ll go anywhere near Santa Cruz (just not worth the transfer fee being quoted) and Cisse to Spurs is pure fantasy.

Robinson? Amazing journalism there. Someone got paid for that. They actually got paid sterling. No dis-respect to Robbo who was a personal fav of mine during his time at WHL, but he signed a long term contract at Spurs and then fluffed it along with the ball in practically every game. Shocking lack of management and loyalty saw him get worse and never better and eventually sold to Rovers. We then spend £9M on a replacement. Now, having him return while the replacement is sold on would quite simply be the most comical clusterf*ck ever. Let's be done with it and just re-sign Ian Walker.

Which then leaves us with Ruud. He has the pedigree but like I said, does have injury issues. He’s been out for ages at Madrid. But his form prior to that was ridiculously good. For £1.25M I’d snap him up. But then, how do I know this isn’t just another Sunday daydream from a monkey with a typewriter?

Once more, I turn to my precious bottle of twenty-three year old rum and search for the answer at the bottom of it.