Scott Brown is a little bit of a grey area

Scott Brown is apparently on his way to Spurs. So say the assortment of ITK characters living up in Scotland and the ones who are said to be privy to inside information down South that confirm the Celtic midfielder is set to move to N17 for a cool fee of around £10M. You'll have read this already I'm sure on one or two blogs out there along with the usual busy forums that churn out this type of transfer tat long before the red tops get wind of it.

Except this time, it's not so much tat but tangible possibility.

So who is Scott Brown? What type of player is he? And are we over-spending? If, of course, this is actually happening. But for the sake of it, let's pretend it is.

I haven't seen enough of him and there is plenty of debate to be found at the minute where people throw around the usual 'Scottish football is shit' argument to validate their opinion that Brown is over-rated whilst other say he is a robust far more competitive and mentally strong version of Jermaine Jenas. He had an off season recently due to personal issues which affected his goal-scoring ratio (and has increased his yellow-card tally), but otherwise is highly rated and can handle himself more than most - which isn't a bad thing considering the thunderous nature of the Old Firm derby games.

It's easy I guess to spew out countless (recent) Scottish players who have failed to impressive in England (Barry Ferguson anyone?). Hutton hasn't done badly for us and looks more than suitable for the Prem and I'm sure that will be the case once he is back to full fitness.

Brown has a great motor and can run all day, capable of making effective runs into the box. He can track back and tackle. But apparently also gives the ball away needlessly and is young and still needs to develop his all-round game.

Bleeding 'eck, he is the Scottish version of Jenas.

For the price being quoted you'd except him to start alongside Wilson giving us a proper hard nut central midfield pairing. So what of Huddlestone, O'Hara, Zokora and of course JJ?

One of the ITK side-rumours relates to a £6M deal rising to £10M with a player moving to Celtic. Can only see Jamie making that move, if there is any truth in it.

Celtic fans obviously rate Brown but seem fine to take £10M off us. I need more in the way of opinion to understand if this is the right type of player we need. Apparently his first touch isn't great (Zokora anyone?) and doesn't have the passing range of Huddlestone. But his drive and passion is unparalleled.

So is Harry looking towards having a fighting midfield rather than a creative one? Or will Wilson and Brown boss it, allowing Modric to conduct offensive play?

Or are we paying Celtic £10M for a Palacios understudy - which is something we do need if we are working towards a strong squad. But £10M?

Is this a risk too far?

Willie McKay is his agent by the way.

Done and dusted then.

Redknapp - The Messiah?

Disclaimer: Yes, I know, it's a bloody long article.

Tapestry Part V

Redknapp - The Messiah

Dear Mr Levy,

I've had my moments. My attempt to parachute onto the pitch at White Hart Lane in protest of our early season form backfired when I mis-calculated the wind factor and my resulting trajectory took me onto the North Circular. My demonstration in protest of the West Stand bourgeoisie also ended unsatisfactory. I guess wearing an actual suit made of bagels was a major oversight on my part. I still have the scars from the pigeon attack. But nobody can ever doubt my commitment. I've put myself out there and will continue to do so. As soon as the court injunction ends.

But perhaps there is no urgency to be on the front-line thanks to the current equilibrium bestowed upon us by your good self. The appointment of Harry Redknapp was a masterstroke of a decision. Nine years into our five year plan to turn us into a Champions League outfit and you finally use the Batphone.

You’ve tried it all during your tenure, your predecessor too. Ex-legends, an up and coming manager, PE teacher, international tactician, promoted assistant, experienced continental mastermind. None of it has worked. Apart from that flirtatious 2006 season which ended with a chorus from Johnny Hates Jazz.

It never quite comes together, does it? Usually because of the itch to jump forward three steps when only one step is required. It's all a bit John Sergeant giving it the Fred Astaire. A comical mess of an embarrassment.

So when Ramos and his ketchup ban was shown the door we all fell into any abyss of confusion, nervously eating away at our fingernails trying to work out who the next victim of the White Hart Lane guillotine would be.

I clearly remember the evening when we all found out. I was watching a remake of Debbie Does Dallas, which in essence I believe to be superior to the original thanks to some sparkling camera tricks and shrewd re-working of the plot. I didn't discover the appointment until an hour or so after it had happened. Sky Sports News was in a giddy meltdown that resembled a club terrace in Ibiza, with churning smiles all over the place as the presenters all bounced up and down with joy, repeating the news over and over and over again with the ticker at the bottom of the screen working over-time.

And then it got surreal. Harry himself on the blower telling us he had accepted the job.

I was numb. And the Kleenex was firmly pushed aside.

"Is Harry likely to fulfil the dream that Levy champions? Does he have the tactical ability to outsmart his peers at the top of the table? Can we see him achieving Fergusonesque empire building success with us fighting it out with Wenger, Rafa and <insert current Chelsea boss here> in the midst of battle for a top 4 place?"

As the questions bounced around my head, the numbness faded, and the hefty kick of reality landed on my backside.

"When have we ever sustained such a challenge anyway? In fact, isn't this form of out-stretched ambition the reason why we never get things right, always eager to change things? We are bottom – all that matters is getting off it"

You don't need me to tell you this is Tottenham Hotspur. But I feel the need to run through recent history. I guess it's a statement of fact. Lessons learnt.

We are ambitious by nature, longing for glory days and nights. Like any other fan who supports a club that has the resource to compete with the top sides, you know you are a little closer to the dream than others less fortunate. But instead we are kept in a perpetual ground-hog day where the same promises are made and mistakes repeated. And yet we never learn from any of it. You must know this already considering the sharp rise of frozen shit pellet attacks on your car over the past few seasons.

Juande you will be able to drive down the road without incident.

Pre-Redknapp, Ramos was obviously still dizzy from the offer and although we will be forever grateful for that day at Wembley, nothing else actually worked.

During the summer in came some key signings and the removal of all deadwood along with some quality additions. You know, like selling Berbatov. To Utd. In the final minutes of the transfer window. At the death. Sold. And bringing in a right-winger, to go alongside the other right-winger we have. Because two right-wingers is better than one especially when one of them costs £15M and can star-jump. On camera. In the background. It was funny. The star-jump. Jumps like a star.

A new age was upon us. It lasted as long as the opening credits to Match of the Day.

What we were left with in the aftermath was a disjointed squad of players who lacked self-belief and pride and two measly points from 720 minutes of football (that's eight games to the common man).

How did we get here? Let's go back even further and work our way back to the present.

Once upon a time, in a simpler world, we were the glamour club. Remember those days? The 1980's were good to us. Shirts tucked out, bit of swagger and a couple of Argentines. Proper Cup finals too. It wasn’t sexy football. It was tantric.

Happy days. But nothing stays still forever. Keith left. Scholar made a mess. Venables v Sugar. We slowly degraded whether it was down to in-house politics or financial meltdown.

The lust we have (it's just part of our genetic makeup) meant we always over-extended when attempting to re-claim past glories. We stagnated. But around us, others began to move on. Arsenal went from winning things in a boring fashion to playing football with the type of revered football that was once bestowed on us. Chelsea stole our glam. And while others (Liverpool) were dethroned (Utd) we jumped from one manager to the next, all failing to claim any concept of consistency.

• Pleat's experiment almost worked.
• Venables saved the club in '91 and then that spoon full of Sugar saw him swap the bench for the High Court.
• Ossie, bless him, was over ambitious and out of his depth, an appointment that stemmed from Sugar's aim to appease the locals.
• Francis got the team working hard but then it all faded into mediocrity.
• Gross was Sugar's attempt to do what Arsenal did with Wenger and how we laughed.
• Graham was another attempt at something that we didn't quite fathom and then the Levy era truly kicked in with the return of the King of the Lane.
• But Hoddle's ego devoured itself, sandwiched in-between Pleats caretaker responsibilities and ‘technical director’ meddling.

Then came Santini, Jol with Arnesen.

This was the master plan in full effect - the Director of Football structure - one that allowed for failures. Santini didn't work so off he went, taking with him the keys to the bus. But no need to fret. The DoF was the guardian of the dream allowing the vision to never lose focus, whilst others around did. Managers are appointed based on what the DoF believes to be the right man for the job, a man who can work hand-in-hand with him.

Jol was promoted and then we watched Arnesen quit for the grand challenge on offer at Chelsea (had nothing to do with money that).

So in came a new DoF. Might have different views and policies than the departing one but the ambition remains the same, no? The ambition based on your directives as chairman. Welcome Damien Comolli, the new keeper of the vision. Safe hands please, don't drop it.

The tranquillity did not last long.

Jol was meant to be the one. Comolli and Kemsley thought otherwise. Many agreed that Jol lacked the edge that was required, with the choking in big games syndrome. So when Ramos took over this was seen as the natural logical step in the master-plan. The final piece of the progression puzzle to elevate us towards the promised land of Champions League.

"Down to bare bones, two points from eight games, triffic"

But just how many mistakes can we afford to make? Up until and just after the Ramos appointment, you built in a nice little safeguard, stating that if Juande didn't work out - Comolli would be responsible. Shock horror, it turned to shit again and not even you and your PR machine could save the infamous DoF from certain doom.

Straw. Camel. Back.

The faith you had in this awkward system was as mystifying as the unnecessary plastic surgery the Leslie Ash of mascots had done to his face. I’m talking about that piece of work Chirpy and that ridiculous face-lift.

We needed an English-can-hit-the-ground-running coach who could lift us up and out of the mire by sorting out the fundamentals. Back to basics was the only way to kick-start things again. The future vision, for the first time, was irrelevant. The immediate future the priority. The plight we were suffering, the only thing of consequence. No messiahs need apply.

Hence Harry, the only viable available option, one born out of desperation due to the predicament. Sure you dropped a sound-bite or two about how you had spoken to Harry in the past about offering him the position and that he is someone the board respect and yadda yadda yadda.

Two or three years ago, appointing him as manager would have been seen as a negative backwards step. And why? Well because, Harry is like, ex-West Ham and what's he ever done/achieved to warrant the job at the Lane? You know, cause we’re such a big club, innit.

Ouch. Another reality kick to arse: Bottom. Two points. Relegation fodder. Damage limitation. Anything after that is a bonus, and anything after that can be something a little closer to that vision we have cradled for so long.

It's no longer 2006. The French do not fear the English. The big bloated ambitions of cracking the Prem’s elite led by a director of football structure has imploded and left us in a perilous position miles under the foundation of hope we would usually start at.

So in some ways having Harry Houdini take the helm was a master-stroke. One or two people pulled out their calculators and worked out that based on the fixtures left in the season we could still go down. Countless Facebook Relegation Party invites does not mean it's a dead cert the champagne corks will go flying for opposing fans.

We were never going to get relegated. Far worse teams in the Prem. But because of the start we had and the fact that we had a squad of players epically under-performing.

Which is why the publicity shy Harry Redknapp had the midas touch with our powder-puff millionaires. It must have been a little gut wrenching for you Daniel. Deep down, you must have felt a little empty that we had come to this. But come to this we had.

And it split Spurs fans, had West Ham fans laughing even harder. But then sometimes, things fall into place accidentally. The less obvious turns out to be the more pleasing. And soon enough the doubters became believers.

• Harry has got the players playing for themselves and the team
• Players starting in positions they are comfortable in
• Playing to their strengths. In a formation that makes sense and works

And more:

• Got the best out of BAE and Lennon where Ramos failed miserably
• Palacios signing was inspired and yet a perfect illustration of the failures of previous DoF's and managers who never got close to filling this gap (apart from Carrick who worked well for us in a different kinda way)
• Defoe just had to come back home
• Keane, did have a positive impact on his return, even if he has run out of gas a little in what has been a roller-coaster season for him
• Points accumulated has been impressive. We got to a Cup final, again. White Hart Lane is currently a fortress

Only concern is the re-signing of Pascal Chimbonda who has hardly figured for the first team. Although I have sources close to the club who believe him to be one of three people employed to wear the Chirpy costume on match-days. The other two are currently in hospital due to accidents outside of the work place. Apparently. So they tell me.

Sure, he shows a lack of instinctive quick-thinking changes to turn the course of the game if things are not quite working and sometimes is late in making key substitutions. But we knew this already. He's no genius.

So does make Harry unofficially a stop-gap? Get the team consistent and up to 6th/5th place and make us steady and reliable enough to not only attract players (which we don't tend to have a problem with anyway) but to also attract a glamour manager? If that's what we need. Considering that hasn't worked before. But then nothing really has since Keith.

But thinking that far forward is the exact type of mistake we are so prone to making. One step at a time. That's for you Daniel AND some of our fan's who take a few wins on the trot to mean that glory is waiting round the corner with her skirt over her back and panties down at her ankles.

So, Harry? It all looks good thus far doesn't it? But I refuse to get giddy. History reminds me to stay firmly on my feet.

There is no doubting that going into the summer, we are looking in great nick. Two or three additional players and we are set. Not for 4th spot. Regardless of what Harry or anyone else in the media will no doubt spout in their predictions for next season. 4th is completely unrealistic, unless Arsenal implode. Winning silverware and finishing 5th is not so ridiculous. An FA Cup would be nice. But continued progression and strength in depth would be even better. We just need to compete. And we've shown glimpses of doing just that against Top 4 opposition this season.

This isn't a deluded outlook. It's just based on the fact that the teams just outside the top 4 are - all on form - about equal in class and effort. And all have the chance to edge in front if they get their summer planning spot on.

It's a realistic ambition.

We've done nothing for years and years in the league if ever tbh (apart from those two 5th spots). And rushing into it has never worked, so instead of assuming we are X amount away from being a top 4 club, how about just working hard from one season to the next until we are actually good enough and its obvious we are within touching distance by the virtue of points in the bag.

Stating the bleeding obvious, aren't I?

See the disease at Spurs is one that has engulfed everyone from the board to the fans to the media and even opposing fans. Because we are so hungry for success, we find ourselves not so much expecting it like it’s a God given right, but always believing we are on the right path in a very over excitable manner that tends to blind us from the harsh truths.

It's the money, the support, the signings. Always positive, always with intent. And the warning signs are pushed aside until it’s too late for recovery.

We put ourselves out there like a cocky boxer who knows he's forgotten his gum-shield but fights on regardless.

No matter what anyone might say about us, we might not be perceived as a big club in comparison to the Top 4, but we are a big club compared to one or two others simply on the basis of what I've stated already - cash, big name signings. It makes failure all that more bitter because the resource to compete is actually there.

Delusions of grandeur!! Delusions of grandeur!! I guess when you have this type of intent constantly, without success you'd think we would learn something. But alas, no. That's us with hearts on sleeves. We might have the intent, but it's nothing without assured focus. And not the type that Comolli displayed when he courted Ramos.

Everton strive for the same thing, but there is no urgency to chop and change. But there isn't half as much money. And they were winning titles back in the 80's, whilst we only ever claimed two in the 60's. Are they less ambitious?

Chelsea, before Romans money, were a Top 4 club. Something they worked towards and have now consolidated, and then gone further because of the money they came into and the Jose appointment.

You make your own luck.

We are a proud club, with a rich tradition. And we are stuck between the past and a vision of the future.

Harry's job should be simple. Change the culture of the team, the players. Instil a winning mentality. Start at the bottom and work our way up. Which, ironically, is exactly what we've done.

There is far too much trauma on the pitch for a club that does almost perfectly off it. Leave the football to the manager and let things progress naturally.

We need to get better than the Villas and Evertons and Citys. And then we can look up at the remaining four.

Consider this a warning shot across the bow. A statement of history we all know inside out, but needed to be stated for reference. Don't make me come back to this for the wrong reasons Mr Levy.

It's in your hands.

Buck the trend.

Regards,

S

Tapestry

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Carlito's Way is this way and that way

Here's one for you.

Back page, Spurs 'gutted' that their £18M move for Tevez (one that Carlos is liking) might well be dashed by Liverpool who are prepared to splash out £50M on the Argentine. Then a few pages into the Sports section, we are told that Rafa has a £30M war-chest for new players but has to sell in order to generate more funds.

Wonderful creativity from Kia Joorabchian.

Can someone please think of the children?

Jenas: The Marmite of the Spurs midfield

Click on the following hyperlinks for Part I and Part II and Part III.

Tapestry Part IV

Jenas: The Marmite of the Spurs midfield

Dear Mr Levy,

"Graham Roberts would run through walls for Tottenham. Jenas would apologetically whisper that he has lost the keys for the door, then sleep in a park bench for the night"

I think it was two years ago when I made that statement. And in some ways it probably stills apply today. I'm not going to dive deep into the enigma that is JJ as I've done that already in great detail here. But I will touch upon one or two aspects in order for the question at the end to make sense.

Jenas is a definitive Levy signing. You know this to be true Daniel. He's always been your poster-boy. Young, English, bags of potential and only cost £7M. And he's also a textbook Spurs midfielder. Bit of a fairy at times, goes missing far too often but has a eye for goal and does turn in a performance every so often. A luxury some would say, as arguably he can only play outstandingly well if he has the right type of players around him, so never expect him to excel if the team is struggling. There's no Roy Keane tenacity or extreme self-belief Lampard style to be seen here. And his best performances usually come against lesser opposition. Not to say he hasn't performed well against stronger opposition, but he does enjoy destroying the likes of Wigan and Derby.

The fact is, Jenas has been at Spurs for a few years now. And we are all still waiting for him take it to the next level. Now considering we all know he lacks that streak of arrogance that would surely elevate him to consistent performer, maybe the reason Jenas has never struck gold at Spurs is because he has never had the right partner in central midfield. He's obviously a fussy type.

See us lot over at Spurs struggle from one season to the next thanks to our inability at noticing what needs fixing. I can see it from the stands, but we'd be damned if you (Mr Chairman) and the management can. Harry, thankfully, did see it on his arrival. Comolli thought he did, but signed us Zokora. But with Harry, in came Palacios. A mean, disciplined (but knows when to be dirty) midfield enforcer who does all the donkey work, sweeping up balls defensively so that can go on the offensive. It's incredible to think that we've not filled this gaping hole in recent years. And when we eventually do, it’s like finding the end of a rainbow and that pot of gold.

Jenas, without the responsibility that usually leads to him crumbling under pressure, has the freedom to roam and actually fulfil that box-to-box expectation we have of him. But with the emphasis more on attack than defence. See no matter what is said about JJ, we know he has the talent, he just struggles with the application. He's a bit like Windows Vista. Got all the tools in the box but it’s a sodding bitch to get it to work with anything.

If you're wondering, Zokora is Windows ME. An eternal blue screen of death.

So I guess the question is - is he worth it? Is Jenas worth another season of patience?

With no Wilson (Windows XP, Service Pack 2 - not flash but bloody consistent), alongside Huddlestone (Linux - an acquired taste ), it doesn't quite work. Is that JJ's fault or the fact that Huddlestone is also the type of player that requires team protection? But if Wilson can boss the midfield no matter the player by the side of him, is JJ a luxury because he only works well if he has someone like Palacios by his side?

If there is a player out there that can handle himself and doesn't suffer from that apologetic disorder we see so much of at the Lane, then why even bother with Jenas at all?

Every season, its 'next year' with us. It's synonymous isn’t it, that we are forever in a transition from one season to the next, never quite settled and it's mirrored by Jenas and his metamorphosis remaining in continued stasis.

Do we need to replace him just for the sake of a fresh start? Or does he warrant a chance, a full season under the guidance and man-management of Harry Redknapp, who has worked his magic with the likes of BAE, which let's face it, we all thought would be an impossible task even if playing in a full back position is more of a rooted role than central midfield.

A consistently confident Jenas is something we have yet to see, but maybe he's deserving of another season with Wilson at his side to prove all the doubters wrong.

You could then sell him to Utd on the final day of the transfer window for £20M.

Regards,

S

Tapestry Part V up next, and Harry Redknapp.

What are we meant to do with Mr David Bentley?

Click on the following hyperlinks for Part I and Part II.

Tapestry Part III

What are we meant to do with Mr David Bentley?

Dear Mr Levy,

David Bentley is typical of this creed that blights us with each passing season. On paper he looks the part. England's new hope for the right-wing. Good looking, so he must be as good as David Beckham because no one with a face like that could possibly be shit. He's the 'it' player of the moment. And we need a big name signing, so let's just go out and sign a right-winger because we don't actually need one having Lennon there already, but who cares, it's too much of a bargain at £15M to turn down. Let's sign him and hope he can somehow fit in to whatever system the coach decides to play.

We are then treated to some tidy goals pre-season but a run of two points from eight games turns all our players into fragile pathetic apologetic losers.

Are they playing badly because they have no confidence?
Are they playing badly because they have no confidence in the manager?
Are they playing badly because they are a team of individuals that don't quite gel together as a unit?
Are they playing badly because they are prima donna millionaires who just can't be arsed?

If it was a confidence issue that progressively got worse with each passing game thanks to Ramos inability to fashion some form of consistency and style, then why did some of our players (most of them in fact) climb out of the depths of despair and reclaim some self-pride when Harry arrived? Bentley, momentarily, did so with That Goal©. You know the one. From the half way line. He flicked it and hit it. 40 odd yards out. Flew through the sky like a squirrel with a rocket up its bum, and come down over Almunia and into the goal. It was Beckhamesque. From the half line. It’s on youtube. If you haven't seen it.

Since that giddy high, we've had very little. Plenty of Hollywood flicks and showboats. Everything that ought to be a simple pass turns into 'OH GOSH, THE CAMERA IS ON ME, LET ME DO SOMETHING A £15M WOULD DO. LOOK MA, I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!' instead of just, well, passing the sodding thing to the player that wants the ball.

It's not quite Neo in the Matrix. More Kev on the Hackney Marshes.

Tragic decline, witnessing a player who was so proud to sign for us and ecstatic he made the move down south to disappear into mediocrity with the rest of the team but then fail to re-emerge, rejuvenated.

Personal problems were cited. Hmm.

Play football for a living. Check.
Train two or three times per week. Check.
Millionaire. Check.
Good looking. Check.

Ok, so I'm making assumptions that just because someone is a millionaire footballer, then all is well. Something is obviously deeply wrong. Was it the transfer fee? Was it the bad start? Was it the fact that Redknapp managed to get the best out of BAE and nurse Lennon back to his blistering best, but couldn't quite work his magic with Bentley?

Surely a quiet word would have done the trick.

"David, just do the simple things lad. Don't try and do the impossible with every touch. Play for the team"

It obviously didn't work even though Harry persisted with playing him. The he was dropped. And injured. And playing for the reserves. And now on the bench. And Harry is hinting that the lad might leave because he can't get into the team because Harry is happy with his current selection. Keane played on Saturday. Bentley didn't.

And there we have it. In modern day football there is no room for patience. You'd think that Bentley - regardless of the transfer fee - has qualities that any top side would want in their squad. And David himself must surely want to stay on because this was his boyhood dream club move, no? To leave when you've told everyone that personal problems have been the reason for your lack of form means you haven’t been able to give it 100% and thus owe the club and the fans. And as for the club, having forked out £15M, surely that warrants a little more time to see if the investment was worth it. Unless of course there is no reason to keep a player that can only play one position and won't play in that position much if Lennon is fit.

Once more Mr Levy, this illustrates the superfluous Tottenham transfer policy that has hindered us far too often. Yes, we are a club steeped in prestigious tradition when it comes to individual flair players. We've had an abundance of them. And talking of tradition we do love a big name signing. But 10, 15 years of very little league success (only two 5th spot finishes) proves that we don't always have to buy the obvious 'must have' players just to keep up appearances on the back pages.

Bentley was not required. And yet we bought him. And I can't help but think we bought him because we had lost Keane to Liverpool and needed a flashy pick-me-up. Either that or Ramos/Comolli had written off lickle Lennon altogether. Either way - shambolic management. Yes, we're rich. But we don't have to spunk it like Peter North in a harem.

The lad seems genuine enough. And maybe he's lack of form is because of that woeful start we made, followed by the form of Lennon. Which would point to the frailties of his character. Have we signed a fragile 'must be wrapped up in cotton wool' type of player who needs hugs and bedtime stories and must be covered with the duvet so that the booger-booger man under the bed doesn't come out at night and scare him?

Maybe we'll get more 'up for it' type of bullish gritty players with Redknapp rather than the glossy cover-boy powder-puffs. But I do hate to knee-jerk. I hope he stays. I hope he tells Harry he wants to fight for his place, even if it means more time on the bench. If he asks to leave, then so be it. So much for him being a Spurs fan. But if he goes because Harry wants the extra cash in the bank, then let this be the end to superfluous signings.

You say Daniel, that you don't know your football - hence the need for a DoF. I'm sure you know enough to question the validity of £15M+ signings for players that are not a nailed on necessity. Either you are too trustworthy of the people that work below you or your thinking at times sits with merchandising and club profile ethics.

Harry has got through the first stage of rebuilding, the foundation is set. Just make sure that we don't waste our money on a conservatory or an attic conversion when all that's needed is a few cracks in the wall to be plastered over.

Thank God we don't have cowboy builders.

Cough.

Sorry, clearing throat.

Regards,

S

Slight change of plans, as the creative juices are flowing. Extended the series by one. So up next:

Part IV - Jenas (which is written, but I wont publish until tomorrow morning)

And then

Part V - Redknapp

Ta.

The aftermath of the Berbatov Saga

If you missed the introductory first part, you can read it here.

Tapestry Part II

The Aftermath of the Berbatov Saga

Dear Mr Levy,

When people throw superlatives around concerning our bank balance, the re-development of the proposed new stadium and the consistent supply of top quality club DVD releases, I always respond in the same composed manner. I laugh, slap the naïve fool in the face, and state two words: Dimitar Berbatov.

Yes, yes. Old news. Been here before. Blah blah. But this serves a purpose as a stern reminder that there is simply no excuse for a repeat showing this summer.

The Bulgarian was the catalyst in the downfall of Martin Jol and in no uncertain terms the protagonist that helped aid your misguided stand against Ferguson and Manchester United which proved to be several nails in the coffin of Juande Ramos. Berbatov was a year into his 'I want to leave and join Man Utd' sulk, and rather than just sell him the second the season ended, you built a moat around White Hart Lane to warn off attacks that was about an inch deep. There was simply no defence in place for the prolonged attack that followed, which was more cold war than in the trenches. All Ferguson did was wait until the final day of the window, when you inexplicably accepted a transfer bid from Manchester City which was Berbatov's passport to fly up to Old Trafford. Which he did. Illegally or not, the player agreed terms with United. You know this. We all know this. Which meant that you either had to reject Utd's bid to spite Utd and Berbatov - and then deal with the consequences of a player that doesn't want to be at the club or you accepted it but only if they topped it up by an extra few million quid.

So in the end, we sold him to the team that had spent an age tapping him up, even though arguably, he had already made up his mind a season into his Spurs contract that he wanted to leave, sacked Martin Jol, put up with Berbatov's continued sulks/strikes/mood swings, then sell him to Utd in a last gasp deal in the final moments before the window closed. And for what exactly? £5M more than United wanted to pay?

Then followed your assault on the injustice of it all, with a threat here and a PR letter there. Placing aside your fit of rage over how things concluded, you topped it off by agreeing the signing of Frazier Campbell on loan. So, we lose our talisman. We don’t quite replace him. And then we get a youth player in as a replacement from the club that have just taken away the only world class player we had (at the time).

That's a little bit like finding out your supermodel girlfriend doesn't love you anymore, you then get dumped after a long bout of pretence that she won't leave as you fool yourself into believing you can make her stay even though she's made you look like a complete dick, and when she does finally leave her new boyfriend hands you a copy of Razzle and tells you, "You're be just fine with this mate".

Ferguson, mugged us off. And what did we do with the money? We re-signed Robbie Keane in the Jan window. Because there was no time left to replace the departing Bulgarian in the summer one. Prior to all this, we paid £14M for Roman Pavlyuchenko but wouldn't pay Zenit the £20M they wanted for Arshavin. Both having already played the best part of the Russian league season and the European Championships in the summer - there were obvious questions about what type of impact they would have. The Arshavin deal never went through, and thank God, because he looks really really uncomfortable out of position on the left for Arsenal. And as for Pav? He's scored a few, but he doesn't have the look of a world class player. It's like we've signed the Russian Bobby Zamora who keeps trying to re-enact the video to Radioheads Just. GET UP FROM THE FLOOR AND STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF FFS!

So, we end up with a strike-force of Bent, Pav and Campbell. We sign Bentley who is meant to supply the crosses for a target man, except we don't actually have anyone capable of fulfilling that role. And Bentley inexplicably forgets how to take a set-piece which renders him completely redundant unless confronted with a skip. Then in the January window we re-sign Defoe (Keane to follow) and have two players that have never quite worked playing up front together.

In the aftermath of the Berbatov saga, we are left weakened and desperate. Regardless of the self-inflicted implosion by Ramos regarding tactics and selection, we had three strikers that sort of came together by accident and ironically all three could well be departing this summer. Campbell back to Utd. Bent will be sold at a loss and how we plan to reclaim any of the £14M spent on Roman is going to be a hoot to watch.

Add to the mix David Bentley who hasn’t started a game for months, who seems to be superglued to the bench and has been cited by Harry as not really fitting into his team selection. Mark Hughes, got any spare change, guv? Anyone would think that if he played a certain amount of games we'd have to pay Blackburn more money. If Harry doesn’t fancy him, and he's sold on, then that's another transfer loss deficit. We've already re-signed Chimbonda that is arguably akin to taking out the rubbish and then bringing it back in again. It's fucking pointless. Leave it outside for Gods sake! It's where it belongs.

Daniel, we simply need to be spot on this summer. There is no Comolli. I'm sure there's still a scouting system in place. We all know Harry likes his random players with unpronounceable names, but he does strike gold more often than not. Bringing Defoe back was inspired, if obvious, and actually ridiculous all things considered. But it will work. Keane coming back was embarrassing for all concerned - him, Liverpool and us. He's tainted at the moment but will no doubt reclaim some of that intensity. Even his hand waving complaints seem limp wristed.

We need to reclaim some composure. More players like Wilson Palacios are required. Players that improve the side with immediate impact. No more soap opera dramatics and enforced donations to the Tottenham Foundation. There is no room for complacency. No room for unwanted back page headlines. Let the likes of City dominate the exclusives as they chase £100M players, while we pluck out quality that goes towards building a team rather than a set of individuals. We need to be direct and avoid long boring played out in the public domain transfer tussles. Get in there, sign them up for a competitive price, and sit there with a smug grin on your face when they repay us on the pitch.

And please, let's not be talking about 'The aftermath of the Modric saga' this time next year.

 

To follow in Parts II and IV:

• David Bentley, Jenas and The Opus
• Harry Redknapp

Regards,

S

Spurs 2 City 1 - Sunshiiiiiiiiiine in North London for the Lilywhites

Quintessential game of two halves this. First forty-five we were irresistible. Huddlestone in sublime form, pinging the ball around majestically, getting stuck in and giving us a subtle nod that selling him in the summer might be a regretful action. The formation (not the expected 3-5-2 that sort of worked for a point up at Everton) was working a treat at the Lane. Pav and JD upfront, Keane out ‘the wing’ as a Lennon understudy. Hudd and JJ in the middle of the park. No Bale and Hutton. A 4-4-2 that morphed into a 4-3-3 with Keane pushing forwards from the right.

Defoe had an effort smartly saved by Given. A Pav shot from the edge of the box came close. City had nothing in the way of a response as Huddlestone marshalled the midfield in that wonderful chest pumped out manner that he treats us to now and again. So no surprise that JD scored from a Tommy assist. Wonderful cross, exactly where Defoe wanted it, and he aptly finished with a cheeky back-heel. 1-0.

It was at this point I noticed a Liam Gallagher look-a-like in one of the executive boxes, offering out the Spurs fans in the Shelf-side, which turned out to be.....well, Liam Gallagher, obviously. Cue five minutes or so of some first class banter including a chorus of ‘Can we write a song for you’  and 'You’re just a shit Chas’n’Dave’. Liam took it well, laughing and applauding. I still think the moment, at the start of it all, where he stood there in a Jesus pose and signing to one fan ‘I’ll see you outside’ and then doing the same thing to around 10,000 Lilywhites was hilarious. Although he managed to piss off a fan in the exec box to the right of him and was told off in the second half when he re-appeared from inside the exec box to goad everyone when City made it 1-1.

Talking of which, what a disappointing second half.

I guess at 1-0, it’s not that much of a difficult task for Mark Hughes to bollock his players and have them start the second forty-five with a little more urgency and energy. When do we ever score a second killer goal at the Lane? There was a fine moment in the first half that saw the impressive Huddlestone dink the ball into the box for Keane to brilliantly control it, but then fail to connect. Something he did a few times in the course of the game. The “bloke who sits next to me with loads of sound-bites” noted that Robbie has the look of a player that can’t wait for the summer months to kick in. A player with a broken heart having seen his Anfield dream implode rather quietly. He does work hard, and it’s something many of us seem to miss or just ignore, because his final product isn’t the Keane of old. Re-energising is the name of the game for our Robbie. Defoe was lively, and Pav was...well, I’ll come back to Roman later.

The point is, we didn’t get a second goal which might have made things far more comfortable in the second half. Corluka took over at centre-back with Woodgate off, and Hutton coming on into the right-back position. Our shape was lost.

We were gradually over-run by City’s midfield and there was no great surprise when Benjani headed down for Bojinov to fire home the equaliser, sending the City fans and Liam wild.

Ominous stuff. Where was the tactical change from Redknapp? Why was it not enforced earlier in the game? Bugbear for many Spurs fans is that Harry doesn’t change things quickly, and lingers on for a bit. When the changes did happen (Zokora came on for JJ and Campbell on for Pav) things changed for the good.

Roman is a player I’ve defended on several occasions this season. He’s tired/not fully fit/struggling to settle in England is the usual commentary you’ll get from me and others. But sadly, maybe this is all wishful thinking that he will somehow improve next season. It has that air or Rebrovesque doom about it.

He scores goals. Not as many as Bent does, who is almost certainly on his way. But other than that, he’s a bit of a soft touch. Apologetic with his mannerisms. Falls over far too easily, has a worrying first touch and as illustrated by the easy chance he had in the second half (which then led to his substitution) which he fluffed wide, Roman seems to be more average than a player who is out of form. Maybe I’ve been infected by a knee-jerk virus, but I heard the name ‘Raziak’ mentioned half a dozen times on Saturday and have noticed other bloggers use the not so endearing term to describe our £14M striker.

Best move of the game was his sulk down the tunnel, which Harry joked about post-match. Bent and Pav out? Could see us make Campbell a permanent signing if he’s far cheaper than the £7M Wigan were set to pay. The fourth striker should be a young and hungry kid who is willing to sit on the bench. Which means, we just need another forward to come in to give us a more than decent trio (that will obviously include Keane and JD).

I’m sure it will all take shape in the next few months. Let’s not forget our young player of the year Jonathan Obika. It’s time academy players got their chance to shine for the first team.

Ok, side-tracked, back to the game. Campbell’s relentlessly running resulted with Micah Richards falling over him and bringing him down for a penalty that Robbie Keane had no problem slotting away to win it for us with around 4 minutes of normal time left. Liam nowhere to be seen. City fans heading for the exit, something that's a tradition in recent years when visiting the Lane for a league match.

No second goal from open play then, but who cares. We probably deserved all three points for that first half display.

Our home form has been stunning.

P22 W15 D6 L1 F41 A18

Sixteen games unbeaten in all competitions (Everton the last team to win at the Lane back in late November). And to add to that, the fewest league goals we’ve ever conceded at the Lane, in a season. Boring boring Tottenham.

It's not perfect, but credit to Harry and his management. White Hart Lane is no soft touch.

Fulham look set for the Europa League, which they might struggle with considering it’s an additional 17 games or so. We’ll have to concentrate on the Prem, which isn’t too bad of a priority. And leaves us with no room for excuses.

So that’s it. Players waved their goodbyes. Ledley King didn’t look too impressed when the home fans sang ‘If Ledley’s going clubbing, so am I....’ . Lennon won our player of the year award, which he is more than worthy for after a blistering return to form.

Will Gomes still be here next season? Can we swap Jenas for Ireland? Will Harry sign Barton? Why does Bentley never get a game for us even though he's fit and scoring goals for the reserves? Is the first-half Huddlestone worth keeping when compared to the second-half version? Where was Arsenal fan Noel? Questions, questions...

Onwards to Anfield now. Might stick a few bob on Keane scoring the winner in front of the Kop.

Spurs v City: 3-5-2 will do

If we don't let any in, then its record-breaking time down at the Lane. Nine conceded all season long. It's a far cry from the never-ending goal glut at both ends, during the course of last season. Now if only Harry could fine-tune the offensive line and overcome our reluctance to score a second goal and add more on top, then we could have a tasty home record next season that will help in abundance with a sustained push for the giddy heights of 5thish.

Lennon is out. BAE fit to play. King, detoxed and seeking redemption. City do not have Robinho available (which is a shame, because he's dire away from home). Win might see us take 7th (depending on what Fulham do, and some people would actually prefer to see Fulham beat Newcastle). Who cares as long as we see out the season (at home) with a lovely three points, a clean sheet and two or three in the onion bag.

Not since 2003 have we tasted defeat against City (Prem wise) at WHL. Might well be a Cup-tie type of game, as a loss for Hughes side would mean 7th spot is an impossibility going into the final game of the season. Probably render our chances as null and void too if we end up with zero.

Harry, bless him, has dropped another Two Points© mention into his pre-match interview. If we managed to steal 7th, expect a Redknapp special DVD release with a holographic cover, move it ever so slightly and you can see him go from serious face to joyful twitch.

Back on the European question (do we want it or not?) I guess the argument is around whether it interferes with league form when involved in Europe. And also, whether you value silverware and history books more so than a 4th spot and involvement in the Champions League. Basically, no Europa League means - in theory - we can go full pelt for 5th spot or higher. It's theoretical. And in reality, would you not want Spurs involved in all competitions possible? If we qualify, we should be aiming to win it. By the way, I'm just throwing out all these opinions for the sake of discussion - as personally, I'm still undecided. I don't think you can prove statistically that being in the UEFA Cup (or any version of it) impacts league form negatively. Unless you have a manager who prefers not to play his best players in the league and saves them for Europe.

Back to the game, will be interesting to see how the midfield lines up once more without Wilson. Does Hudd get another game to prove his worth? He might be more comfortable at home in a game where football is likely to be played (and allowed to flow). Chances our Harry will once more field a 3-5-2 formation - which might be more than enough for a home game - with Hutton and Bale allowed to run havoc on the wings (we need something from either side, with Aaron out).

I say run havoc, because it would be nice to see a system that places a hefty amount of emphasis on these two positions work and work well. Gareth had a decent game at Goodison. Would be grand, just grand, if that jinx was ended tomorrow.

Zokora is also fit and available which might answer the Hudd question. A Jenas - Zoko - Moddle threesome would be plenty frolicsome and would allow for energy, tenacity and spark.

I hope one out of three is enough.

Going backwards for a moment, don't expect the Charlie - Woody - Ollie Reed combo to change and looking towards the frontline, I'd like to see Defoe and Pav up front. Keane on the bench. But expect (much like last week) to see Robbie start.

A couple of kids on the bench would be a nice end of season preview for next year. Rose, Bostock maybe even Townsend. Any one of many would be cool. Just nice to have a wildcard on the bench.

As for Chimbonda and Bentley. One we've hardly seen the other we might never see.

Let's not forget Ledley King. Let’s just forget the week he's had.

Enjoy the day out people.

2-0 Spurs.

Dear Mr Levy...Job well done?

The Tapestry - Part I

Dear Mr Levy,

Man City at the Lane tomorrow, and then that's your lot. Other than the minor visit to Anfield the following week we can finally say goodbye to another travesty of a season.

I'm being a little too harsh, aren't I? It's not quite been a travesty, though arguably, digging up the body of Stan Laurel, reanimating him and then placing him in charge of first team affairs would have been significantly better and more productive than placing your hopes on Juande Ramos to get his selection and tactics spot on.

Harry Redknapp's arrival and subsequent Houdini act is not as tricky a task as he would like us all to believe. It wasn't even a masterstroke appointment from your good self was it? Harry was the only real candidate as another continental coach was never going to be an option after the Ramos debacle and there was no obvious ex-legend to come and do the job (and that's never actually worked before). Had to be an English manager. Had to be someone who could hit the ground running. Had to be a back to basics appointment. Had to be Redknapp.

Director of football. Ironic that this is the sole reason behind the failure to build on two 5th spot finishes. Not that we ever looked likely to finish 4th in the second season thanks to the fact that we never quite replaced Carrick. The DoF was responsible for the sudden urgency to replace Jol with a more experienced coach to further elevate us towards the Top 4. And yet why, after so many barren years, did we have to suddenly get ahead of ourselves when it was obvious our 'success' in those two seasons had a lot to do with the fact that Arsenal had suffered a slight blip which saw us sit in fourth spot for four months. Comolli decided Jol could not take us any further. Added to the mix, was the mess that Dimitar Berbatov was making, requesting a transfer a season into his contract. Disruptive player, disruptive board room. Jol had no chance to continue on his learning curve. Because you and the board deemed that patience was no longer a virtue. And that was that. The rest is history which ended with two points from eight games. That’s two league points from eight Prem games. II from VIII. 2 from 8. Two points from a possible twenty four points from eight games, meaning not a single win from opening said eight games. Two from eight. 2 -8, 2-8, 2-8, 2-8, 2-8, 2-8.

Two from eight.

Step in everyone's favourite escapologist and let the re-birth begin. Which it did. And apart from the odd stutter away from home, it's been a dizzying climb to within touching distance of 7th spot including a stunning home record (just nine goals conceded all season). All this from certain relegation, as believed by many during those early season months anchored to the mire, which saw our only victory come away to Walthamstow (a 3-1 win).

Modric has been a resounding success, adapting to the English game after a new lease of life from Harry, sticking him out on the left and allowing him to float inwards to dictate play. Lennon has reclaimed past form and is beginning to add a little end product to his game. And Palacios was an inspired signing. A player that this club has lacked for several years. So kudos to Comolli for Luka, one of very few bright moments that the Frenchman gave us. In fact, kudos to Harry and the players for stepping it up and taking responsibility, leaving relegation behind for others to worry about. Kudos to you (yes to you Mr Chairman) for the re-development plans of White Hart Lane. Although I'll take some of that back if you end up selling the naming rights for the new ground to Nintendo with Mario looking down at me from the east, standing on a ball in place of the cockerel, as I take my seat in the Cookie Mountain stand. Although I'm quite partial to having Donkey Kong replace Chirpy.

But this is not a letter of commendation. I'm not here to pat you on the back. I'm here to keep you on your toes so that you aim to excel. Because there is plenty to be critical of and plenty of mistakes made that must not be repeated. And one or two other curious hiccups that require a sharp cold glass of water.

2 from 8.

I'm here to mull over the tapestry of naivety that plights your governance of the Lilywhites. I decided to write to you after I watched you have breakfast in your home. You seem to be a little too relaxed for my liking. Walking around in a robe and slippers watching Desperate Housewives. Man up for God's sake and watch The Wire. You have to be ruthless and perceptive at all times, and not allow yourself to display signs of weakness. That's why I'm here. I'll do what I can do help you. But, the games out there, and it's play or get played. That simple.

There's a lot I can see from the shrubbery in your garden with a Bushnell Elite 8x43. It's got 90% light transmission with premium BaK-4 roof prisms with a majestic PC-3® phase coating producing outstanding image clarity and contrast. I can see you bite into your Crunchy Nuts and thanks to the voice-activated credit card transmitter carefully hidden in your kitchen, I can also hear every word spoken and every egg cracked and solider dipped. By the way, please refrain from singing Kelly Clarkson songs whilst washing up. It's wrong. You look like a slightly melon collie Dr Evil drowning a screeching cat.


So, onto the tapestry. Let's begin our journey...


TO BE CONTINUED IN PART II

The 'tapestry' will cover the following topics:

• The Aftermath of the Berbatov Saga
• David Bentley
• Jenas
• Re-signing ex-players
• The Opus
• Harry Redknapp
• The Summer Transfer Window

Stay tuned.

'Messi to Spurs' because I read it on the internet, innit

Someone asked me what happens to football bloggers in the quiet summer months. I answered, 'Quiet? Are you f*cking kidding me?' Once the transfer window opens, it's a little like the finale to Buffy the Vampire Slayer when Sunnydale is obliterated by a hellmouth.

And ground zero for our particular summer transfer hellmouth is the internet.

Once the tabloids exhaust all their football agent information they look towards the various message boards and copy and paste any in the know stories they deem worthy of the back pages…i.e. all of them. You'll be surprised how many message board threads end up on the Sky Sports ticker as 'exclusives'.

We've already been linked to Muntari, Upson, Cisse, Tevez, Ballack and Drogba (I kid you not), Cruz along with rehashes of Jones and Downing. And that's just a quick overview. Add to them the various continental players that have cited Spurs as a possible destination and you're just getting started. And it's still May. But all of these are your bog standard examples.

The In the Knows have yet to awake from their winter slumber.

We all know (bullshit radar on full pelt) that most of the players mentioned above (about 97% of them) are not genuine targets. Agents and players are in the habit of using our name just to put themselves out there. Others are just desperate for any kind of media coverage to get their current club to offer them a better deal. Others are simply delusional (yes, that's you Cisse, you fruitcake). The 3% are probable targets in the way that logically we could see them in a Lilywhite shirt because they fit the profile - i.e. affordable, required, Spurs type signing.

Others are likely because they fit Harry Redknapp's transfer target profile. Which might or might not be a good thing. Though he did strike gold with Wilson.

I got a lot of stick several months back for 'having a go' at the In The Know culture that exists and the quite prominent grapevine of whispers that many of us our privy to by simply being a member of any given Spurs forum. ITK's are people who are, well, obviously in the know. Whether its because they know people at the club or know people who know people or have some other deep throat connection that results with information about a possible transfer being shared online.

Now and again, some strike gold with their information. It's rare, and equally interesting how other signings come out of the blue and are never picked up by the very same people who would have you believe Kuyt (we ended up with Berbatov) or Torres (like this was ever on the cards) is about to sign. You'll always spot a bit of ITK info as they usually sign off with 'take it or leave it' or 'believe it if you want to' and talk in percentages (i.e. He's on his way, deal is about 87% done, likely to happen but you never know, might be a last minute glitch, wants more money than we've offered, but looking good).

It's a 'don’t shoot the messenger' ethos they live and die by. Although some do take it far too seriously. Not that they are always solely responsible for the info as sometimes they are simply passing on something that has been given to them. The problem is that there is no way of knowing whether the info has been dressed up or has been given to the ITK as a joke/dis-information.

True ITK's, you'd think, would not want to share any information, for reasons as to avoid placing the deal at risk and being discovered by other possible would-be-interested clubs.

People who spot a player arriving or leaving the Spurs training ground is altogether a different kettle of fish. That's not really ITK, is it? If you see someone out and about. Then at that point it's not really something that the club are trying to keep under wraps.

Guess this where the necessity to know something before everyone else drives people to extreme measures to get hold of said information (climb trees overlooking the Lodge) that might suggest who is about to sign for us. Even though it wont change the fact that said player may well sign. Is there a difference between knowing something 24 hours before it happens and just waiting for it to happen?

I guess, what is far more interesting is transfer deals that fail and the reasons behind the failure (remember the epic 'Diego' tug of war with Santos?). The Duff saga is a perfect example of when ITK info is far more interesting, although there is nothing to suggest any of it is ITK. Anyone could have told you he signed for Newcastle for the money.

I offended one or two people several months back because I criticised the culture (some people who dare to be critical of ITK people are banned from forums). I'm not going to stir up trouble again. I do think the obsession with some ITK's who post cryptic messages that could be translated to mean absolutely anything is tragic. But do agree that the information is there…take it or leave it. Take it seriously or don't. It's probably on par with anything you read in the tabloids anyway. And like I said, sometimes, one in two hundred, get it right.

Any ITK info posted on this blog during the summer months will be credited to the originator and will only be posted if the original 'rumour' was posted in the public domain. Anything that’s privately shared will stay that way. Wouldn't want another fatwā issued my way.

So, hold onto your hats, and expect to drown in a flurry of sightings and medicals and morning press conferences.

Here's to signing the new Zidane. That's Zidane, not Zokora. Thank you very much.

Can you tell I'm far more mellow with all this now?

Harry booze ban threat? Pull the other one, then just pull us a pint...

Booze ban at the Lane? Ledley King will be a popular lad at training. It's reminiscent to when Ramos banned ketchup and attempted to regulate the players diet with a strict regime. It all ended in tears.

I'm not sure how much of this 'banning booze' statement Harry has made is just PR fluff to soften the brutal blow received to the clubs public image or possibly even an indirect warning to the rest of the squad to behave themselves going forward. Let's face it, banning booze completely is unlikely. Moderate consumption will always be allowed. Can you really see players going out on a Saturday night and not drinking? Tom Huddlestone and Aaron Lennon are probably still recovering from the heart palpitations experienced when that very thought entered their minds.

If it is banned then we might reap the benefits on the pitch. Boozing every weekend can't help much, if that's all they ever do.

As for King, plenty of aftermath gossip about his arrest. Obvious exaggerations and bullshit interpretations of what happened on the night including some clichéd sound bites surrounding his stay in a police cell overnight (he cried, he stated he was rich, he slept…..shocking stuff). Once more, not defending King for acting the dick, but how many blatant kiss'n'tell money-grabbing attempts ('my face was bruised' - really? Do bruises vanish over night then?) do we have to listen to before this story disappears? Court case is in July, so I guess that answers my question.

"I play for Tottenham, you play for fat Gerard" - This has to be the quote of the whole incident, straight from the mouth of Ledders, that somehow equates to belittling Steven Gerrard (if you go with the tabloid assessment) when in fact it's a reference to Rafa resembling his predecessor (with an additional few pounds). I might have that completely wrong. Maybe he thought Gerard Houllier is still the gaffer at Anfield. That's some night out.

No wonder he doesn't train between games. He's probably refused admission into The Lodge.

Regardless, two points. Firstly, as drunk as Ledders was, well done that man for being able to clock a Liverpool supporter and attempt to shout him down with some football banter. Secondly, so drunk was King, he makes the assumption that someone with a Liverpool tattoo must therefore play for the club. Pure gold that.

Surely on £83,000 a week (allegedly) you could just stay in doors and bring the party to your home. I know I would.

Playstation 3. Dial-an-Escort-girl. Pizza.

Guaranteed fun. Guaranteed women. Food delivered to door.

The good life.

The Dream is Over

Boro have let me down. But that's no real surprise. Can do without a (more than usual) smug Shearer living the dream on the Match of the Day sofa giving expert insight because he's now got managerial experience, proven managerial experience at that. Because he saved Newcastle from certain doom by making two inspired (desperate) substitutions in a must win six-pointer.

Newcastle are staying up by virtue of the fixture list.

The dream is over people. We did our bit to relegate them, and so did everyone else but unfortunately Boro are gush and even if Newcastle lose their remaining two games, Hull won't win theirs.

Alan Shearers return to television will be a glourious crowning moment for his ego. My nightmare has began.

I've booked myself in for a session or two of hypnotherapy. When I sit down to watch Match of the Day next season, apparently I won't actually see Shearer on screen at all. Obviously, if he's on the show he'll be on tv, but with these sessions my brain will be re-conditioned to block him out so all I will see is Gary Lineker asking Keeley Hazell what she thought of the game.

So, even though I have 'issues' with the tv-pundit-turned-messiah, on a positive note, at least Phil Brown will be back in the Championship. Him and that poxy cotton bud he has Sello-taped to the side of his face.