Let's welcome back the black and white

Some of you might remember this ickle article here entitled 'Let's Relegate Newcastle'. It was more of an anti-Alan Shearer on Match of the Day piece, more so than anything genuinely vindictive against the club, bar some banter and digs. However, I have to now admit it was mis-guided, mainly because even though they were relegated to the Championship, Alan still reprised his responsibilities on the BBC flagship football program, as smug as ever, even with the blight of seeing his side go down having failed to save them in the nine games he allowed himself to manage.

But it's all ended on a good note. Chris Hughton has guided them back up at the first attempt. I can also watch MotD having channelled all anger and disdain for Shearer towards Lawrenson and Hansen (the true evil on our television) and Newcastle away is (for those who travel) a rather superb trip. Up in the Gods or 90 minutes, and then usually up some Georide lass panties at the end of the night. All at the cheap cost of just three points. Lovely.

So, I'd like to say Hola and welcome back to the Premier League, Newcastle United.

'Let's Relegate West Ham' anyone? Ah, only joking. That would be 6 easy points lost next season.

'Let's Relegate Newcastle' - Ended Edition

It would appear this long running series has worked.

And as I sit here, party hat on head, smoking a Cuban cigar, I’m wondering if I’m over doing the celebrating. But it is the Bank Holiday weekend, and Newcastle United are now a Championship side. Which, obviously, means that Match of the Day next season will be watchable thanks to the fact that any potential extra smugness has been edged off Mr Shearer who would have been positively insufferable had he returned to the sofa as the messiah that saved the Toon from relegation. I know it’s a selfish self-satisfying wish to see him fail simply for my dislike of his footballing persona. But that’s just me. And sure, the irony of all this is that their failure to defeat Fulham at St James Park almost certainly cost them their Premier League status and in a twist of fate stopped us from claiming a late great entry into the Europa League. Although that’s very much forced irony as the first two months of the season truly cost us any real chance of European football.

The scenes at Villa Park were grim for the Geordies. Tears and broken hearts that we might have experienced ourselves up at Anfield had our players not reacted to the appointment of Harry Redknapp. To be completely truthful – I do feel a little sympathetic for their fans. Just a little. Because that could have been us. But if it was, we’d get so much in the way of abuse and laughter directed our way that it’s only right to laugh back. Just a little.

Fifteen players on 50k per week or more, Owen apparently takes up around 10% of their overall wage budget – this is a club that has to avoid the Leeds United syndrome or run the risk of remaining in the lower leagues for several years as they rebuild from the bottom up. Slowly slowly. They might not have a choice now their 16 years in the top flight is over.

Their defeat at Villa summed up their miserable season, unable to muster up any form of possession and sustained determination to bully their way to a final day result. A Barry mis-shot going nowhere deflected into the goal by Duff. 1-0 Villa. The dream is over.

At one point during this season, we were the worst side in the Prem. No self pride or respect for the badge. No urgency or spirit. No passion or will to win. It was always in there somewhere, and it re-emerged with the players led by an experienced manager who dragged the club out of the mire and high above all the depression down below.

Match of the Day, season 2010: Watchable

We make mistakes at Spurs. But clubs in our position (non-Sky Sports Top Four©) are forced into it as we strive to desperately get within touching distance of the Champions League. The impatience that is siphoned through the fans and media and into the boardroom results in a fragmented seasonal journey. But in comparison to Newcastle United, we run a tight ship. When things go wrong, we are more hotel cabaret than a circus of clowns you’ll find up in the North East.

Mike Ashley, owner of Newcastle, and fan who might actually be a Spurs/Arsenal/West Ham supporter – who along with Paul Kemsley apparently attempted to buy Spurs (phew) is responsible more than anyone for the mess up there. Attempting to appease yourself to fans by downing pints and wearing club colours to games says all you need to know about the superficiality of his tenure at the club. His decisons drowned in a suffocating ocean of naivety.

The sacking of Big Sam and appointment of King Kev illustrates that he was driven by supporter-power. An almost ‘I’m one of the people and will go forth and do what the people want’ ethos which has never amounted to much in the past.

Villa's got Talent

Remember Allardyce standing in the technical area, with two or three Newcastle fans standing up to the right of him singing ‘You don’t know what you’re doing’? It would seem no one at Newcastle does. Sure the football wasn’t pretty under Big Sam but it’s doubtful they would been relegated if all fans and directors held out for a little longer. Playing a certain style and sacrificing other more ugly necessities to retain that beautiful football ethic is something that hasn’t worked too often – so why not suck it all up and wait and see what direction it all takes. When we had Graham at the Lane you can argue our reaction at times was a little similar to those at St James Park – but times have changed. As seen by the appointment of Harry Redknapp – something us Spurs fans could not have dreamt of 5 years ago.

You might not like it, you might not agree with it. It's different to what's come before. But don't dismiss it until it's had a chance.

Instead, in came Keegan for a short cameo. Then off he went thanks to Dennis Wise. Joe Kinnear briefly took the helm and then Alan Shearer – linked to the club several times already – finally decides to get off his MotD sofa and attempt to save the club, with just 8 games left. Obviously understanding that he can’t lose as no matter the final outcome, he is one of the clubs untouchables.

But lose he did.

Hearing his post-match interview speech, he made no excuses and was up front and gave an honest assessment of the season as a whole blaming everyone – including himself – for the mess the club are in. IMO, a brilliant piece of PR spin giving off a modest forthright conclusion which will now lead to plenty ‘will he stay or will he go’ Sky Sports News sound-bites. Anyone could describe the wrongs of Newcastles season because it was blantantly obvious to anyone who follows football why they've finished third from bottom.

But if Shearer really did take stock of the Newcastle United legacy he would have told Mike Ashley that appointing another messiahesque publicity media fan friendly manager was exactly the wrong type of decision that has pummelled them into the Championship. He should never have taken the job.

For Ashley, appointing a legend would mean if they failed to stay up, the blame wouldn’t be as crucifying an affair because it’s Alan Shearer who took them down. The mentality here is, if Shearer can't save them no one can. The reality is, someone with years of experience might have. Or possibly not. The players have been half arsed for most of the season and only a fool would have risked taking the job.

For Shearer it was already a difficult task and considering what came before, the overall blame is shared by many. And that’s his fail-safe. The reason he could take the job in the first place, knowing full well that he could assess how best to go forward and whether he believes himself to be up for the job. The fact he is being considered actually proves nothing has been learnt.

If Shearer wasn’t an ex-Newcastle player, what other credentials does he possess to be a manager and help a club that's in such a perilous position? Just because you are idolised doesn’t mean you can galvanise.

Ashley should have replaced Allardyce (having decided to get rid of him) with a Redknapp style appointment. Although Sam was probably meant to be just that in the first place.

Apparently Shearer is the only one who can bring them back up again, even though he practically admitted he has failed the club. How about, I don't know it's a zany thing to suggest but perhaps an experienced coach as the next appointment? Even - shock horror - someone who has no ties to Newcastle United. Enough of the fantasy football fairytale. Buckle up and bite the bullet.

I wish them luck but with the likes of Ashley at the club, I'm not certain they will find it easy. Would help if they had players that aspired to have the same passion as their fans. But alas, everyone up there is a little delusional.

So, here we are. The upside of it is we can all safely watch Match of the Day next season knowing we only have to put up with Hansen and Lawerson. Don't worry. I have plans for them too.

Now, excuse me. I’ve got another cigar to smoke.

If Fergie wants to play the kids, let him play the kids

The final weekend of the season is almost upon us. Hoping we get a decent result up at Anfield, but I won't be crying if we lose. It's been a ridiculous season and I'm more than happy with our finish and looking forward already to the start of next season. The summer will no doubt be a rollercoaster with the rumours of comings and goings that will clog up the blogs and forums as we frantically await official word of where our season ticket money is being spent.

In the mean time we can all sit back and enjoy the relegation scrap and it's aftermath. You know, the one that fans of all other clubs were hoping we'd be stuck in. Except we're not. Not even two points from eight games could stop us leaving the rot behind.

Sunderland, Hull, Newcastle and Boro are the not so fortunate ones. The same ones crying (minus Hull) about Man Utd possibly looking to field a 'weakened' team and how they might sue if Ferguson does just that and Hull stay up.

Yes. Sue. Because it's Man Utd's fault that the likes of Newcastle and Sunderland have been utterly shit for months and are at the bottom of the table because of the countless games they have failed miserably to win and thus not accumulating enough points for Prem safety. They are bottom because that's as good as they deserve based on performances. Why should Utd care about Hull away when they have Barcelona in Rome next week? They have the right to do anything they want. They've earnt it. But there's the wee little FA rule about always fielding 'your strongest side'. Which is contentious because they could argue (if they play kids) it is their strongest side with the Champs League final in mind.

I hope Hull dick over Utd regardless rendering everything else insignificant.

It would mean I can settle down and bask in the knowledge that next season Match of the Day will be viewable without you know who smugging his way through the program in that ultra-bland monotone moan that has me head butting the tv.

Yes. After a prolonged 'Let's Relegate Newcastle' campaign to see them go down, not because of any hatred towards their fans or their history or anything else other than the fact that I do not like Alan Shearer. And for that matter, neither do I like people of similar ilk to Mike Ashley. A man who tries to endear himself to the Newcastle faithful by downing pints and wearing black and white when in reality he's just another ego that has failed to grasp the concept of what it means to run a football club. Two words sum it all up: Dennis Wise.

Debt clearance aside, it's been shambolic. From the Keegan debacle to leaving Chris Hughton (I wonder if he reads this blog?) in charge for so long and for the appointment of old skool Joe Kinnear before opting for someone who probably would not have taken the job if there were 15 games to play rather than 8 - as failure in that scenario would be a little more tricky to worm out of - legend or no legend.

Almost makes me forgive Levy for his indecisions and cock-ups which seem irrelevant in comparison.

Regardless of my hopes and aspirations, something tells me that Newcastle won't go down leaving me with a win-win situation. I guess in this paralysing scenario I may still come out ironically victorious as Shearer may opt to stay on as boss and thus leave me with a smugless Match of the Day without his dreary punditry which will give me time to concentrate on MotD2 and trying to understand what Adrian Chiles is saying because even with the volume turned up to full whack on a surround sound system all I hear coming out of his mouth his whispers. It's like the man has a black hole in his mouth that sucks in all sound waves leaving only lip-readers with the ability to comprehend his introductions to highlights.

If anyone can provide transcripts, I'd be grateful.

The Dream is Over

Boro have let me down. But that's no real surprise. Can do without a (more than usual) smug Shearer living the dream on the Match of the Day sofa giving expert insight because he's now got managerial experience, proven managerial experience at that. Because he saved Newcastle from certain doom by making two inspired (desperate) substitutions in a must win six-pointer.

Newcastle are staying up by virtue of the fixture list.

The dream is over people. We did our bit to relegate them, and so did everyone else but unfortunately Boro are gush and even if Newcastle lose their remaining two games, Hull won't win theirs.

Alan Shearers return to television will be a glourious crowning moment for his ego. My nightmare has began.

I've booked myself in for a session or two of hypnotherapy. When I sit down to watch Match of the Day next season, apparently I won't actually see Shearer on screen at all. Obviously, if he's on the show he'll be on tv, but with these sessions my brain will be re-conditioned to block him out so all I will see is Gary Lineker asking Keeley Hazell what she thought of the game.

So, even though I have 'issues' with the tv-pundit-turned-messiah, on a positive note, at least Phil Brown will be back in the Championship. Him and that poxy cotton bud he has Sello-taped to the side of his face.

Let's Relegate Newcastle - Update

Big Sam? Nope. Kevin Keegan? Don't be silly. Joe Kinnear? Almost. Alan Shearer? Not quite. Who would have ever guessed that Newcastle's messiah would be….Phil Brown. Hull are in one hell of a freefall after the dizzying heights of their early season form that saw them register victories in both sides of North London. It was enough to have some people suggesting they had accumulated enough points in that first part of the season to guarantee survival. Others quietly knew they would implode. And what an implosion.

They now appear to be the most likely escape route for the Geordies. Alan Shearer, I'm afraid to say, looks like he might survive the drop and make a triumphant return to Match of the Day next season, meaning I will be stuck with having to watch Football First as an alternative to avoid the stern smugness of his experience as saviour and miracle worker. He'll forever use examples of his managerial stint when analysing highlights, telling us how he knows what it’s like for a manager to be under pressure. Even though, on the strength (or lack of) his sides current form (which is a continuation of their previous form) they will survive if they manage to steal the points in the North East Cup final against the miserable Boro. It’s do or die stuff. But it's not down to tactics. Just luck and circumstance. Beat the team that's as bad as you and you live to fight another day. Not magic wand here. Just a simple case of throw enough shit at the wall and some of it will stick.

Boro are miserable and Newcastle are a mess, no different to the one that existed prior to Shearers arrival. And he has done little to aid them thus far. Two points in five games has the touch of Ramos about it.

And what exactly did he expect exactly by selecting Joey Barton? Tenacity and passion? I guess he got it, just not in the right part of the pitch. A red card and a post-match bust-up (they called each other 'shit' - it's like something out of The Sopranos innit) he couldn't honestly believe having him in the side would make a world of difference. The tackle, for what it's worth, was clumsy and stupid - considering where it was committed it was also completely unnecessary. But it’s not half as bad as some recent flying boots we’ve witnessed in games.

But this is Barton. So it’s going to make the wrong type of headlines.

As for the dressing room outburst, Shearer has to blame himself for thinking he could say what he said in front of the whole of the dressing room and not expect Barton to react. Take him aside and have a quiet word. Massive case of the Billy Big Bollocks mentality here with the MotD pundit trying to assert a disciplinary shake-down which back-fired. As if Barton was going to hang his head in shame and apologise.

All this has resulted with some rather convenient tasty pro-Shearer spin that the media will lap up, deflecting attention momentarily with the suspension of the hot-headed ready-made scapegoat. I'm in no way defending Barton. He's a melting pot of destruction. But the whole thing has turned into a circus faster than you can say 'love it'. If anyone else had made that tackle would we be talking about it as much? Probably not, but then it’s the fact it was Barton that leaves no-one surprised. When has he ever just gone out there and done a job for his club and manager without disgracing himself? But even if he was well behaved, it’s doubtful he could do anything to aid Newcastle’s plight. Only Phil Brown can save them now.

With Hull doing their utmost to get sucked into the bottom three and Sunderland struggling to pull away from it, there is time left for another twist and turn that will no doubt leave me emotionally shattered, reaching for a bottle of anything above 40% if Shearer makes a triumphant return to television.

Disclaimer: Don't take life too seriously.

Musings on WAGS, Defoe and a public apology to Alan

Everyone's banging Danielle Lloyd. Sorry, I meant banging on about her. And why not? Bit of leg and cleavage thrown in with a slice of football is always acceptable. It's the foundation for most tabloid picture exclusives. They love a WAG. Makes me wonder whether I would if I was a pro-footballer. Where would I socialise? What type of girl would I attempt to pull? And what club would I be escorted out of at 4am in the morning? Fat Frank apparently left with two girls the other night after an evenings boozing in celebration of his teams Champions League win. Not one, but two. His beautiful ex was out with John Terry and his wife for something a little more traditional. But not Fwank. Two birds? Two lush looking birds? That usually costs me £120. £160 with extras.

I guess earning thousands per week and being famous equates to easy pick-ups.

'Yes, yes, it's me off the telly...What's that? Of course I'll let you prostitute yourself for some alone time with me....by alone, I mean you, me and your fit mate'.

Who would have thought it. But this type of lark happens at every pay level, not just with the rich and famous. Men are men and women are women. There are simply different class levels of acceptance from one person to the next, depending on your own standards and social standing. You wouldn't catch Danielle Lloyd in your local Wetherspoons pub giving the eye to Terry the plumber. Although they would probably be a match made in heaven. Fact is, when the shops close and the credit card is placed back in the wallet, in the end you still get your end away. You still have to do the boring bit that goes in-between of all the glam and gloss and superficial stuff. You know, the actual relationship part of it. Yawn. Ronaldo has the right idea. He doesn't even opt for high class escort girls. Any type will do. No need to stand there and smile and mutter 'Yes babe, those Choos look fierce, get another pair if you want'.'Pick the phone up, make a booking. Job done. Even invite your mates rounds. You can even share.

Hmm. Maybe I got this all wrong. Apart from the shopping there is no difference.

If I was a footballer, I'm not sure I'd be asked with all the flash photography and textbook 'look at me leaving a nightclub I'm flushed' Heat magazine bollocks. I'd prefer to just flush my money down the toilet and take a trip through the Channel Tunnel. Reckon that's more or less the same experience as dating Miss Lloyd.

JD is back in training. I'm excited. Just what we need for the run-in to help consolidate a top half finish. Probably won't figure in Sundays clash with Newcastle. Which is acceptable considering he's only just returned to full training. Might not be match-fit (for a 90 minute appearance) but could come off the bench and zip around with purpose and some of that much missed blistering fox in the box movement. The press and Harry suggest he won't play, but that might be kidology in play. Not that its a do or die game for us in the same way it is for Shearer's lot. Talking of which, Mark Viduka is back for them. Ominous stuff.

More ominous are the stats that show Newcastle victorious in the previous six (league) games against us. 2005 was the last time we tasted the sweet taste of success. Maybe I was a little to hasty and arrogant with the 'Let's Relegate Newcastle' article last week.

I've had a conversation with Max Clifford. Hasn't everybody? Talking of which, 'Nicky' the anti-capitalist, who was assaulted by the copper hires PR to charge for interviews so she can make money out of it. Maybe she had the sense of irony slapped out of her? I guess the blatant hypocrisy has made me re-think things, so, here goes...


APOLOGY

I am writing about my recent blog article 'Let's Relegate Newcastle' and the proposal I put forward to end Newcastle and see them relegated from the Premiership based on my misconceived assumption that Alan Shearer epitomises supreme smugness.

I am assuring you all that this was in no way meant to offend and as the only person involved I had full knowledge of involvement in this attempt to fish for reactions that still remain the subject of current discussion, and I have already taken responsibility for acting on this - first by accepting my own resignation from my blog and by making it clear to all concerned that such actions have no part to play in the realm of football banter. I have also written personally to Alan Shearer and those who were subject to these unsubstantiated claims that Newcastle deserve to drop down a league based on my wanting to avoid Alan's return to tv on Match of the Day next season as a genuine 'messiah' and a Mike Ashley masterstroke having saved them from the drop. On reflection I will simply not watch Match of the Day when it returns for the 2010 season when Alan is scheduled to appear.

I'm apologising and I'm doing so unreservedly. WBA, Stoke and Hull are more deserving of relegation and now hope that no matter the score on Sunday, United do not go down. But it is also important to make sure such behaviour does not happen again. Any activity such as this that affects the reputation of blogs is a matter of great importance to me and I am ready to take whatever action is necessary to improve relations with the Georide nation. I propose I stand in the away end on Sunday in a Sunderland shirt.

Like the overwhelming majority of writers who hide behind an IP address across the world wide web, I entered the field of blogging because of a sense of duty to my ego and to improve the lives and opportunities of those less fortunate than me that prefer to worship at the church of Sky Sports News. My undivided focus as an online persona is acting to make sure any future blog articles are fairer, safer and more prosperous and, in particular, on guiding the Tottenham fans through the current rivalry difficulties and concentrating on our own problems and not the problems of others. The footballing public would expect no less and would also expect the highest possible standards from all their bloggers - regardless of club supported - and those who follow them.

Yours Sincerely,

Spooky

Let's Relegate Newcastle United

Slow news day, so I'll take the opportunity to slate Alan Shearer. 7,500 people turn up to watch a training session which is nothing more than a carefully executed propaganda exercise (with less of the careful and dollops of the propaganda). The attendance was apparently quite low considering how folk in Newcastle don't have much else to do other than follow their football club and welcome the latest in a never-ending recruitment drive to find their true Messiah. Although it's best to point out that the Worlds Greatest Fans© are struggling to turn up for home matches this season with attendance figures falling. Which must surely be down to their teams performances on the pitch and all the unwanted boardroom politics off it. Which would make them 'fickle' and not 'passionate', not that the media or Sky Sports News know how to differentiate between the two. Unless of course the club is based in the south of England, and in particular, North London - where they are most definitely classed as fickle.

In the training session Shearer barked out instructions, which is a first as Dowie has apparently been coordinating things on the training pitch since their arrival at the club. More comically, he took part in a 5-a-side game and scored following it up with his textbook hand in the air trademark celebration. Rolling back the years there Alan. It's epically embarrassing stuff from the publicity-shy pundit. Not quite the same thing as Hoddle showing Beckham how to bend a free-kick, but still....transparent for all to see.

Dowie is the one with the experience in training and management (when you write these things down and read them back, it just seems to get worse and worse for them doesn't it?). Shearer is meant to be there as some form of inspiration. A testament to a brand new beginning. A figure head to galvanise the club. In reality it's a ploy to soften any potential disaster that might befall the club. If they go down, they will go down with a 'legend' at the helm. A legend who can't be held accountable thanks to the fact he only has 8 games to save them (1 down, 7 to go). He's going to 'walk away' from it at the end of the season, so either way its advantage Shearer. If they go down, he'll be thanked for his gallant effort. If they stay up, his ego and new founded managerial credentials will expand tenfold. From a personal perspective, it gives him an opportunity to experiment with management and see if he has anything in the way of ability for any future challenge. What better way to test the waters than with the gift of eight games from the struggling Toon fanboy die-hard Mike Ashley (who might or might not be a Tottenham fan).

Keegan left in the midst of controversy. Kinnear (wish him well) might only return in a non-management capacity. And as for Shearer? He'll be back on the Match of the Day sofa, faster than you can say 'relegated'.

He apparently asked the 'lads' where else would thousands turn up to watch their team train (apart from the fact some clubs get 20,000 or so for reserve and academy games)? This is apparently his way of illustrating the importance and passion Newcastle play in the hearts of the locals. I guess getting 45-50K for home matches isn't reason enough for players to try harder.

Sort of puts it into perspective when compared to our lot. Everytime a new man arrives at the Lane, he is also referred to as the new Messiah by the media. And pressure is always evident from the stands regarding style of football played. Which is why George Graham was never destined to be a favourite (along with rather more obvious reasons) and why Sam Allardyce lasted 5 minutes at Newcastle. There are some unnerving parallels between both clubs, although we have a habit of picking up silverware every decade. They just have a rather annoying habit of always beating us up at St James Park. Newcastle are there to make us feel better. For all the soap opera elements that Levy orchestrates, we are always out-done by our friends up North.

Thank you.

It seems like an age ago we did manage to beat them (2-1) in possibly the worst game of football ever up at their ground in the Carling Cup earlier this season. Sunday 19th April has the potential to be one of emotional dejection, if the barcodes win at the Lane. Because it would mean we have aided them in their fight for survival.

That is simply unacceptable.

So, welcome to the 'Let's Relegate Newcastle United' campaign. Stoke, Pompey, Liverpool, Boro, Fulham and Villa are the other esteemed members. The prime directive is simple: Defeat Newcastle and do not allow for sharing of points.

It's in our hands to wipe the smugness off the face of Alan Shearer and make Match of the Day a little more bearable for all next season (I've run into some legal problems relating to the 'We must deport Mark Lawerson' initiative. Will keep you posted on developments on that one).

Stoke up first. Thoughts and prayers.