Nominations for the worst ever transfer rumour and ITK nonsense

Not a clue what demonic darkly lit hospital room the Woodgate to Arsenal story was birthed in. No doubt Gregory Peck failed (again) to lay waste to what feels like the six hundredth and sixtieth slice of ridiculousness. With no apparent end in sight. Other than the start of February. In these days of footballing wealth, hardly anyone is spending and it's all a bit boring especially in the ITK community which mostly appears to be reactive with whatever the press run with (which of the two creates the story in the first place is uncertain but it mostly all feels like it's based on agent BS and Harry Redknapp sound-bites).

What the Woody to the swamp story has done is remind me of a classic moment in transfer gossip from the days of Ramos at the Lane, in 2008, on the 25th of January. Easily my nomination for the most ludicrous rumour from recent years:

Carlos Puyo.

With thanks to Sky Sports News for this gem.

Here's the blog article from that epic slow-news day:

Earlier this evening we had the yellow ticker telling us that the Tiago deal is off. Then the ticker disappeared, and we were told its back on and should be completed this weekend. But nothing compares to the latest 'Sky Sports Understands'.

Yes. Read it for yourself:

Sky Sports News understands that Tottenham want to sign Barcelona defender Carlos Puyol.

Juande Ramos is thought to be keen to strengthen his defence as he continues to reshape his White Hart Lane squad.

It is claimed that Tottenham representatives are in Spain to discuss a move with the Barcelona captain.

Ramos has also been linked with an approach for Middlesbrough defender Jonathan Woodgate as he attempts to find an experienced centre-back to bring to North London.

Puyol has made 58 appearances for Spain and played in the 2002 and 2006 World Cup finals.

Yes. The Barcelona captain who has been at the club since the age of twelve. Plays Champions League football and is on about £100,000 a month. Someone appears to be sharing their crack pipe in the SSN HQ. Although modern day journalism 'breaking news stories' are dependent on what they can copy and paste from a football message board, this one just about takes the biscuit. Yes, it appeared on the yellow ticker and the auto-cue dolly bird and man-robot informed us of another exclusive. And yes, its now disappeared. Along with the little credibility this 'news' channel appears to have left.

Nothing reported in Sport, Depotivo Mundo or Catalan TV. For the record, the player isn't even in Barcelona as they are away to Bilbao this weekend. And if Spurs wont pay Fred the money he wants then....well, you work it out.

Only other explanation? Smokescreen. Or Levy is attempting to flush out the rats.

The cover-up was superb. Ticker, website article...then it's all gone and it's not referred to again, not a mention. Almost felt like it was either a prank or they were running with unsubstantiated whispers (shock horror).

Cracking stuff.

Did enjoy this update from Flannerz over at Glory Glory pre-match away to Newcastle this past weekend:

"Went to the game Saturday, but went up Thursday night and made a long weekend of it. I was in the casino Friday night and at 5am Andy Carroll turns up píssed and starts playing Blackjack. Because he was drunk and a Geordie I couldn't understand what he was saying apart from that he thought Spurs would ...win 2-1. When I asked him about joining us I couldn't understand his answer!"

We'll know if Carroll is on his way if Flannerz can remember the drunken words spoken to him on the night and then decipher the cryptic. Bit like reading most of the ITK's updates then. Which bring me onto this reprehensible example of utter pish from the Phantom of the Lane (dated 24th Jan 2011):

anyone been on the website lastminute.com?

That's it. Amazing stuff. Followed up with:

We're not done yet.
When have we ever been done before the last second of the window?
Non cryptic- We need a couple of things to happen before something happens if ya get ma drift

Phants, take your place in the hall of fame.

So your favourite worst ever transfer rumour? (Look, it's either this or another Stratford article which I'm doing my best to avoid* writing what with the announcement that the OS decision has been postponed, so work with me on this).

*Levy on SSN at time of writing in Olympic Bid special, so no doubt, expect another blog this late evening.

Food for thought

Sunday Supplement. On Sky Sports.

I avoid this like the plague, but much like daring biblical middle class day trippers curiously staring at leprosy sufferers, waiting in anticipation for a limb to drop off, just for larfs, I found myself momentarily transfixed at a segment of  this past weekends show. Momentarily, I hasten to add. Before the remote was found and used.

The topic at the time of viewing was Arsenal and their title credentials. Host (Brian Woolnough of the Daily Star, yes the Star, which is apparently a news paper with a sports section) cited the Sam Allardyce quote ("Wenger has the media in his pocket"). This was the catalyst for much hilarity.

John Richardson of the Sunday/Daily Express made a follow-up comment in agreement that Wenger has, at the very least, the London media in his pocket. This was then the cue for Ian Ridley to enter the discussion.

And so began the spectacle.

Ridley (Mail on Sunday, yes, the Mail, which is apparently a news paper with a sports section) went into full-defensive mode and as he explained to the panel how majestic Arsenal are with their hospitality for journalists and how wonderful they are because of it. He went onto explain that Wenger is wonderful and that he supplies a copy to file on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and that the Emirates media suite is wonderful and that they have no trouble going beyond their catering budget to make sure everyone is more than content.

Wonderful.

Then Ridley held back the tears as he told Woolnough ("Is there a point to this?" - he asked) that the oh so lovely media girl at Arsenal was leaving. Heart-breaking stuff. He was clearly devastated, what with holding back the tears.

There is no naivety on my part relating to clubs pampering journalists with preferential treatment. I'm sure it's industry standard, to some degree. Across many industries. You'd be daft to think this sort of thing didn't go on, be it as subtle an approach as you like as far as the hosts are concerned. You have to look after those that can be critical towards you because they can be equally praising and less critical if you are accommodating enough. It's fair to say that for every huddle of hacks who go over-board with the superlatives for them lot across the road, there are many who are unbiased to the core.

Then Ridley out-done himself by just coming out and saying what was so blatantly obvious at this point if you had half-attempted to read between the flimsily held together lines.

He admitted that because of the lengths Arsenal go to in order to pander to said journalists, it places them (the hacks) into a state of mind that will result with 'sympathetic and more empathetic treatment' compared to other clubs who offer lesser facilities and hands-on pampering. So, in this example, unbiased is a word we can't be flaunting around. Ridley doesn't cite any other club.

So, to clarify, Ridley is saying out loud that because of the manner in which he (they) are treated, they are influenced with how they might report on the game or news items involving the club in question.

Back of the net.

Daniel, if you're reading this, I suggest you amend the redevelopment plans and make sure there is a massive suite for the tabloid and broadsheet mob in the new ground. I'm thinking jacuzzi (with accompanying sexy females), mini-golf range, a Michelin chef, Bruce Forsyth who could provide light-hearted humour and do that thing he does where he says he'll 'clear this place' (classic, Bruce, classic) if things get saucy with the bikini clad girls, the Michelin man - hey, why the heck not? And we could also get Harry to write up the actual match reports for the back pages because there'd be no time for the guests to watch the game what with tongues firmly lodged where the sun doesn't shine...and we'll be set to go.

We could even build a dungeon of doom for Matthew Norman deep in the dark depths of the foundations of the new stadium, tied up to a chair Clockwork Orange style, watching never-ending re-runs of Tottenham defeats from the 1990's and flashing imagery of Ramon Vega defending. We could wire up Norman's face to harness the airflow generated from his constant gloomy huffing and puffing facial expressions which could in-turn power the grounds air conditioning system so we can have more money available to spend on black Caviar and Cristal champagne for our esteemed members of the press.

It's a win win situation.

Shock, horror, footballers sleep around a lot

You might have seen this, or you might not of, either way, click here to read an article by Rohan Ricketts on 'The Truth about Sex and Footballers'.

Rohan is now a blogger. He never had time for the ladies when he was playing in the Prem because he spent far too much time....ah f**k it. Let's not even go there.

To be honest, the article doesn't say much in the way of anything. Is it meant to be sympathetic towards footballers? Oh look, poor sods with their millions and their flash motors and easy women. They just can't say no, can they? How could they? It's far too difficult.

No sh*t.

They are lads. With money. If you were a lad with money and not a footballer, you'd probably splash your cash through women in the same way. They have it even easier because they are famous and can just basically turn up at any given club and pull just by being there.

The real question here should be: Why the f**k do their wives/girlfriends stick by them (most of the time)? I'll let you figure that one out for yourself. Just don't share your answer with any of the WAGs because they won't want to hear the far more humiliating truth.

Havanagate

In the wake of the rather disgraceful photo of Ledley King and Ashley Cole (Laughgate) walking off a jet 'aving it, laughing, waving a massive banner stating 'who gives a shit, we're rich' and flashing their willies, someone has managed to grab and share a photo captured by King (he's blatantly the ring-leader in this, compensating for only having one knee I reckon) in the Hotel Marang in Rustenberg (photo snapped on his Blackberry, leaked thanks to a function that allows selected friends to share photos) of the England players sitting around, lounging, smiling and laughing (they sicken me with their constant Jokeresque grinning) along with Aaron Lennon puffing on a big fat cigar. Presumably because he's now free to return home to oversee the sale of his mansion. The mansion that you and I have paid for. To which he has shown his gratitude by aiding England's World Cup to go up in smoke. Keep on puffing on that cigar Azza. Which by the way, was lit. The cigar. Not just sitting perched in his mouth for show. The cigar was in full working order, unlike England's formation. Who the heck has ever heard of someone smoking a lit cigar? Who the hell does think he is? Smoking, a lit cigar, in a hotel? Aaron Che Guevara Lennon? And if that wasn't enough, their mentalist party also included beer, beer and ice buckets for more beer, champagne and wine. Hedonism at it's very worst. See how the table is untidy, no regard for the maids that. It's what money does to you. That's the level of respect they have for the little people.

The photo was tagged by the hapless King with the title 'Home time then holiday time'. Because the photo was taken before they left South Africa, to return to England, to then leave again no doubt for more sun and probably more kicks of a beachball than they've had of a football in the past couple of weeks. Surely the title 'Larding it up with the England massive, off our tits' would have been far more suitable commentary. Who the f*ck do they think they are anyway? Two summer holidays in one working year? WTF? Hapless indeed. I mean who sends a picture message these days and doesn't expect a dishonest friend to forward it onto the paragons of justice, the national tabloids? One knee. And half a brain. Guilty as charged.

Football is in ruins. I have never witnessed such debauchery in the wake of defeat when the expectancy was for us to win the whole damn thing. The players should have sat reflecting on their early exit, had tea and fizzy drinks, wore black suits, and quietly prayed for forgiveness.

I blame Fabio. This wouldn't have happened had he taken the job.

Laughgate

Ashley Cole and Ledley King, laughing together. Sharing a laugh and a joke. Sorry, I meant a LAUGH and a JOKE. The shame. The shame of these two uncaring millionaires more interested in champagne than football who dare to dance on our World Cup grave. Cole was awful at left-back wasn't he? Wasn't he? He hasn't exactly hogged the headlines on the pitch. And King quite obviously bottled it and refused to reappear for his country after a brief cameo. One knee? He's only got one working knee? That's how bothered he is. One knee equates to half the required commitment. He can't even be bothered to train properly the lazy git. Laughing and joking, because he was no doubt too busy trying to work out where dirty jokes originate from so he can find the perfect one to share with his partner in crime. Neither of them are comparable to the likes of Gerrard; Liverpool's engine, England's saviour.

Astonishing that the guilty two have managed to forget about the 4-1 drubbing so quickly whilst the rest of the nation continues to drown in sorrow.

I say, hung, drawn and quartered and then once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George'! And let's not fret because we can build our future on our youngsters like Andy Carroll and Theo Walcott and Micah Richards who won't let us down, who will grow  together and will be blessed with our complete support and win us the next World Cup, yes win us the next World Cup. Because it's in our blood.

Rule Britannia.

Jamie semi dream is pathetically limp

I know that commentating on something that doesn't deserve to be highlighted and discussed brings it further undue attention. But that hasn't stopped me before so I'll just come out and say what I have to say.

Tabloid soap opera non-stories. Ho hum.

I do giggle at those pesky tabloids. Who doesn't, right? And I hate as much as I laugh how they take something insignificant and practically craft it out of boredom and pretence into something almost tangible (because it gets repeated so many times it becomes a form of truth) and then proceed to drag it out like an Eastenders plot line, with no end in sight. In fact in this case, it was birthed from complete bullshit but got spoken about so often that Harry Redknapp has actually taken time out to comment on it (though he does work for the same newspaper that is spouting the latest episode in this weak weak drama). And our Harry never misses a trick to get a couple of extra words in. Bless him.

What am I banging on about exactly?

I am of course talking about the ridiculous coverage concerning Jamie O'Hara and how we've ruined any chance of him ever getting special dispensation to play against his parent club in the FA Cup semi-final for his loan family Portsmouth.

O'Hara, on loan, to play against Spurs in a Cup semi-final?

There's more chance of Dirty Den digging himself out of his encased concrete grave in the Queen Vic cellar and running naked around Albert Square bone naked sucking his finger and winking seductively at Mo Harris, who in-turn lifts up her skirt (she wears skirts in this demented fantasy) and reveals her crotchless panties to which Den nods back approvingly.

In case there is still some lingering doubt: THE FA RULE BOOK WOULD NEVER ALLOW IT.

That's Jamie O'Hara playing against Spurs. Not the Dirty Den thing. Not sure the FA would have an opinion on the latter, although if Pompey wanted to dress up the bones of Den Watts in their colours and play him in central midfield, they'd do good to do so. The poor bastards are struggling. And he would give then more options in the middle than Kevin Prince Boateng, IMO.

     'Mo Harris, you turn me on'

See the main gripe/annoyance I have is that some hack who was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of Fulham upsetting Spurs, thus allowing JOH to play at Wembley, was duly gutted when we stormed from behind to claim a win at the Lane. Jamie's tweets a week or two earlier where he suggested he wouldn't mind seeing us get knocked out was the required ammo (along with Pompeys plight) for this said hack to print a story (because that's what it was) that contained no quotes about how Grant would ask Harry for permission for Jamie to play against us.

I mean seriously, come on. Get me a web-cam quickly because I'm sucking my finger over here. My index finger. And it's directed towards Wapping with much intent. This 'story' has persistently and systemically been regurgitated in the press and in blogs and yes yes, re-read the opening sentence to this article, I'm fully aware of the irony but like I mentioned earlier, I just have to get it out. My grievance with it, not anything else, and definitely not anything on-line, on cam. Although I'm game for anything on a Friday night.

So when I hear Harry has commented how it wouldn't be possible, not because of the FA rules which he doesn't mention (I mean seriously, imagine if Jamie scored a genuine own goal in the game) but because it wouldn't be ethical, giving the impression that the decision made was a moral one decided outside any governing body code of conduct.

And as for The Sun, stating 'Harry Redknapp has destroyed Jamie O'Hara's Wembley Dream', please dry them.

You can't destroy something that has never existed.

It will just be my (our) luck to lose at Wembley and then have to read O'Hara's tweets about how he's getting his suit measured and the tabloids running accompanying follow-up exclusives about how Jamie won through in the end.

If we beat them, no doubt Jamie will eat a hamster, the attention seeking twit.

We're all in agreement, Azza is better than Theo...

Remember the days when Lennon was accused of being all pace, no end product or composure and pretty much someone who was tagged as a one-trick pony with a limited shelf-life (thanks to defenders quickly working out how to stop him in his tracks)? He had that one single season, that one blip, where he struggled for ideas, lost his way a little. But his progression returned the following year and he continues to improve - in all areas. Not the finished article by a long shot, but a key first team player and one that is a sure fire inclusion for the World Cup, as long as he recovers from his injury. He can score, cross and has a more than decent first touch and is excellent at nicking the ball off opposition players, skipping around them and running off with the leather at his feet. Off the bench for England, he's the definitive impact player. They'll try to hack him down, cards all over the place from the ref.

Theo Walcott on the other hand has done little in the way of anything in the past few seasons. Once you place the hype aside and box it back up and then take the ridiculous decision to take him to the last WC and flush that down the toilet, he's basically a player with plenty of pace - but nothing else. He's a blindfolded Lennon.

Okay, so he's been plagued with injuries - but if this kid played for anyone else, he'd be nowhere near the England team. Even Arsenal fans have run out of patience.

He runs but shows no crafty clever movements and his touch is abysmal for a player much cited as some sort of Henry prototype (see what tabloid hype does and how detrimental it can be?)

Yet our esteemed English tabloids continue to perpetuate fantasy. As though they are attempting to force the issue that surely a young English player at Arsenal HAS to be good and good enough for England. Sven took him to the WC ffs!!!111

Re: tabloids, I'm referring to The Sun and Steven Howard. Which brings me onto today's 'Forum Post of the Day'. Even though its not even 11am (at time of writing), I read this nailed-on reaction to Howard's match report of England's 3-1 win last night which included two gems. One stating Carrick made no impact and the other rewarding Theo a healthy 7 out of 10 for his performance when 4 or 3 would have been far more justified. Considering what SWP did when he came on, the gulf between the two is massive, let alone when comparing TW to Lennon or even David Beckham. Or even David bleeding Bentley.

It would be great if this guy could perform to the level most people remember (the hat trick v Croatia) but that appears to have been one spike in a land of blips. This is a bit like waiting on Jenas to excel because he smashed up Arsenal that one time. It's not happening. It's not going to happen. It's The Happening directed by M. Night Shyamalan. A strange, horrible and unprecedented crisis begins at the Emirates and transcends across to Wembley. The mysterious neurotoxin causes any Sun reporters coming into contact with it to commit common sense suicide. This all started several years back when our young protagonist, playing for Southampton at the time, run down the wing and chipped it in. Have you not see the video of that chip? That goal when he chips it in? Haven't you seen the chip? He chips it. Sky Sports News played that one clip all the time at the time. Over and over and over again. It's the chip. The goal where he chips it over the keeper and into the goal. The kid had chipability. He chips the ball in against some team and scores.

I'm just bitter he rejected us and went to them because of the number 14 factor. Bitter until Gareth Bale pulled himself out of an almighty lull to regain the potential we always prayed he had.

Others are not quite infected by the tiresome hype.

Waddle nailed it on 5 Live: "I've been analysing Walcott's wing play and I've come to the conclusion he does not understand the game".

Fact.

So, thanks to Markysimmo04 over at GG.co.uk and his e-mail to Steven Howard which wins today's 'Forum Post of the Day':

My work colleagues and I were wondering if you actually watched the game last night or maybe was in the bar during the whole of it..
 
How on earth can you give Walcott a 7, apart from one run in the first minute he once again looked like a little boy lost on the pitch and somebody who is only in the squad because he plays for one of the sky / media top 4 cartel, 67 games in 5 seasons for the trophy-less Arsenal shows he isn't even good enough for the premier league let alone international football
 
Or maybe your an Arsenal fan or one of Monsieur Wenger's disciples who hang on every biased comment he makes as the comment about Carrick not making an impression, he had a very good 20 mins or so and made the team tick a lot more than with Lampard on
 
Anyhow your ratings have made for much merriment in our office this morning and we are looking forward to seeing more one eyed clueless reporting in the upcoming weeks and months leading to the world cup 

Well in Mark. I do appreciate a good letter.

Update on Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 1:42PM by spooky

Looks like Steven Howard has replied to Mark's e-mail. Have to say, if this is geninue, he has slightly (ever so slightly) gone up in my estimation. Single notch mind. Nothing more.

I'm afraid I didn't do the player ratings. These were done by my colleague Ian McGarry. Sadly, as they sometimes do, they missed outhis by-line. So, once again, I'm made to look a mug. I can do this quite easily on my own without anyone else's help!

Yrs Steve H

Excellent.

Don't take Defoe to the World Cup Fabio...he's evil

We win. Away. Score three goals, and keep a clean sheet. We do it with a mix of the ugly and the sublime, in the mud, up North. And back down South, one of London's freebie newspapers decides to run the headline that has Jermaine Defoe pencilled in as some type of Dark Sith, waving his light-sabers around with no remorse and unnerving petulance. The Facere is strong with this one. Much like the farce is strong with the Evening Standard and their blatant side-step to say something positive about Spurs. You'll be equally shocked to hear the report of the game has nothing to do with Matthew Norman, unless he's ghost writing for Tom Collomosse.

So, basically our win has had the shine taken off it because Defoe did a norty tackle. Yes, yes, because losing your rag is something that is simply forbidden if you're not Wayne Rooney. Tom poses the question 'How would he react to a sly dig in the ribs or a kick on the ankle' during a World Cup quarter final? Don't fret Tom, Wayne will give him some hints and tips on how to control his temperament, because we all know JD is an animal on the pitch, isn't he just. Week in week out, all the goals he's scored count for nothing because they're blanked out by his suspect attitude in games.

Dry them Tom.

Dashing towards the ball is also apparently more condemning evidence that our top scorer is a liability.

Edgy.
Irritable.

That's our JD according to the ES.

So one bad stupid tackle, and it's deserving of 80% of a match report? Really? Is he like this every week? Does he get sent off regularly due to violent conduct or stupid reactions? Of course he bloody well doesn't.

Absolute bollocks journalism by an absolute melter trying his best to avoid discussing a decent win away when a few thought we'd perhaps stumble and lose more ground.

Tomorrow the Evening Standard is set to publish a piece about how Modric is over-rated because anyone with a mullet in this day and age can not possibly be good at football.