Jamie semi dream is pathetically limp

I know that commentating on something that doesn't deserve to be highlighted and discussed brings it further undue attention. But that hasn't stopped me before so I'll just come out and say what I have to say.

Tabloid soap opera non-stories. Ho hum.

I do giggle at those pesky tabloids. Who doesn't, right? And I hate as much as I laugh how they take something insignificant and practically craft it out of boredom and pretence into something almost tangible (because it gets repeated so many times it becomes a form of truth) and then proceed to drag it out like an Eastenders plot line, with no end in sight. In fact in this case, it was birthed from complete bullshit but got spoken about so often that Harry Redknapp has actually taken time out to comment on it (though he does work for the same newspaper that is spouting the latest episode in this weak weak drama). And our Harry never misses a trick to get a couple of extra words in. Bless him.

What am I banging on about exactly?

I am of course talking about the ridiculous coverage concerning Jamie O'Hara and how we've ruined any chance of him ever getting special dispensation to play against his parent club in the FA Cup semi-final for his loan family Portsmouth.

O'Hara, on loan, to play against Spurs in a Cup semi-final?

There's more chance of Dirty Den digging himself out of his encased concrete grave in the Queen Vic cellar and running naked around Albert Square bone naked sucking his finger and winking seductively at Mo Harris, who in-turn lifts up her skirt (she wears skirts in this demented fantasy) and reveals her crotchless panties to which Den nods back approvingly.

In case there is still some lingering doubt: THE FA RULE BOOK WOULD NEVER ALLOW IT.

That's Jamie O'Hara playing against Spurs. Not the Dirty Den thing. Not sure the FA would have an opinion on the latter, although if Pompey wanted to dress up the bones of Den Watts in their colours and play him in central midfield, they'd do good to do so. The poor bastards are struggling. And he would give then more options in the middle than Kevin Prince Boateng, IMO.

     'Mo Harris, you turn me on'

See the main gripe/annoyance I have is that some hack who was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of Fulham upsetting Spurs, thus allowing JOH to play at Wembley, was duly gutted when we stormed from behind to claim a win at the Lane. Jamie's tweets a week or two earlier where he suggested he wouldn't mind seeing us get knocked out was the required ammo (along with Pompeys plight) for this said hack to print a story (because that's what it was) that contained no quotes about how Grant would ask Harry for permission for Jamie to play against us.

I mean seriously, come on. Get me a web-cam quickly because I'm sucking my finger over here. My index finger. And it's directed towards Wapping with much intent. This 'story' has persistently and systemically been regurgitated in the press and in blogs and yes yes, re-read the opening sentence to this article, I'm fully aware of the irony but like I mentioned earlier, I just have to get it out. My grievance with it, not anything else, and definitely not anything on-line, on cam. Although I'm game for anything on a Friday night.

So when I hear Harry has commented how it wouldn't be possible, not because of the FA rules which he doesn't mention (I mean seriously, imagine if Jamie scored a genuine own goal in the game) but because it wouldn't be ethical, giving the impression that the decision made was a moral one decided outside any governing body code of conduct.

And as for The Sun, stating 'Harry Redknapp has destroyed Jamie O'Hara's Wembley Dream', please dry them.

You can't destroy something that has never existed.

It will just be my (our) luck to lose at Wembley and then have to read O'Hara's tweets about how he's getting his suit measured and the tabloids running accompanying follow-up exclusives about how Jamie won through in the end.

If we beat them, no doubt Jamie will eat a hamster, the attention seeking twit.

Keane's Sixteen - "Are You In Or Out?"

So according to The Sun (via 606 and rehashed on various blogs before the lazy red top hacks decided to latch onto anything anti-Spurs post-City thrashing) sixteen first team players have 'heaped shame on the club' by having a secret party in Dublin behind the back of Harry.

Tabloid gold,  jumping all over this because Harry 'cancelled' Xmas stating there would be no festive party for the players as football and football only would take priority. The Dublin trip happened prior to that statement. A golfing trip (that Redknapp was aware of) that was actually spent in a bar and nightclub thanks to party organiser Robbie Keane who took £2000 a piece to fix things up. Maybe that's why he stood by the tunnel shaking the hands of the players as they run out for the second half. A sort of guard of honour moment for Keane's Keyser Söze bluff with the usual suspects guilty of leaving Spurs shamed, so shamed, so very very shamed.

< tumble-weed >

Visit The Sun's website to see the photos. Yes, there are photos on The Suns website. That's the photos of the bar and club. Taken at some random point in time during the day. There's also a photo of a private jet flying through the sky. Not the actual private jet used by some of the players but a good likeness for it. It's damning evidence.

If the players trained brilliantly the day later, then if the 16 did go out on the lash (if anyone in Dublin has mobile pics of the players or perhaps the Dublin newspapers covered the story and the paparazzi took snaps of drunken dentist chair action - then feel free to link/share) they didn't appear to show it the next day in training. And losing 1-0 to Wolves had more to do with football than hangovers.

If you want to be all Mulder about it and claim that players did get smashed out their heads and the matter was dealt with behind closed doors (hence Harry's 'no Xmas party' statement 48 hours after Dublin) then that's fine. It's all been confirmed by a Spurs insider, so its practically fact. And if the club punished players, then we'd have heard something about it no doubt.

So in conclusion, it sounds like they went to Ireland, played some golf (or didn't) and then went to a bar and a club before travelling back in time for training the next morning and showing no sign of drink fatigue.

It was apparently a 'audacious plot planned with military precision'. What was? Travelling to Dublin for a couple of drinks and then travelling back home again? Ooh. That must have taken some serious blue-printing to get it organised. Keane's 16. It's a little bit like Oceans but with no casino. No females either. Gio and Bale didn't travel, apparently preferring to stay home and wash their hair.

Additional footnote; the story remained on ice until after Spurs beat City.

GTFI.

Next...

Roman Pavlyuchenko ate my squirrel

I'm coming down with a cold. Head hurts, nose is running, lack of sleep. And I'm sadly finding no warmth from any of the news items that have presented themselves to me this morning making Tuesday as bland and boring as Monday was. Even The Sun, celebrating 40 years today, can't muster up anything of interest, informing us that we are after Man Utd's Ben Foster for a cool £6m. Another back-page testament to the age old 1 (Carlo injured in bike accident) +1 (Foster wanting first team football) = 2 (sign for Spurs) system that has proven to be so very successful for them over the years. Sort of make shit up and it sells newspapers.

I might appear to aim a dig or two at the esteemed red-top, but it still serves its purpose. It's no different I guess from any number of message boards that contain posts from people who claim to be in the know about who is about to sign on the dotted line or opinionated and brash fans telling all how they see it. The Sun print stories that are about as reliable as a David Bentley flick. Might look good, but it's completely useless in the grand scheme of things. Like most of the alleged club insider stories that we are treated to on-line. We read exclusives that contain no direct quotes or actual conclusive evidence. But it's ok because it mentions a 'close friend' or 'club source' as confirmation that the info at hand must be credible because they can't reveal names as it's come from someone who has to retain their anonymity. And how can you possibly argue against massive bold capital words?

For the more astute (that's practically everybody with an ounce of common sense) you'll also have noticed that rather superb trick of printing every transfer scenario imaginable, regardless of just how made-up it is because there's a calculated chance of one of them sticking and if it does then it allows them to re-print the winning story, with the date highlighted, and the smug claim they were in first with the news.

It's such a complex science. Newspapers gloating about how they printed the story before anyone else, even though most papers tend to just read message boards and rehash the nonsense they read on-line. Did I mention that already? Of course I did. I'm recycling. Another gem of the modern day sports press. Quiet time? Go ahead, just re-print a story from two weeks ago, dress it up a little bit by using even older quotes not used last time round and make it look like its brand new gossip. It's a never-ending tapestry of half-truths. If someone notices, who cares, they'll be hundreds of message board forums jam-packed with discussion threads about the story at hand, even if there is little substance to it.

So what possible purpose does it all serve? As a generalisation, the window to football supplied by the likes of The Sun basically mirrors the common man's pub drink chatter on the beautiful game. We all exaggerate and make assumptions and discuss the latest rumours and stories. Tabloids are almost akin to a memo reminding us where our topic of conversation(s) should head towards. Newspapers like The Sun fuel said conversations and incite debate. Even if it all stems from the most basic of platforms. They've even got our Harry on board. And that's the appeal. Quick, easy access - nothing to strain the brain. Big photos and small words. It's made for easy consumption. Harry and his self-publicity sound-bite editorials are a joy to behold. It's far from ground-breaking journalism but its likely to make you turn to the next person and talk about it. Not quite as controversial as it would have you believe, just safe…with a hint of knock-down ginger rather than a brick through the window.

Yeah sure, there's always a hint of Top 4 elitism and favouritisms creeping in with plenty of dour Matthew Norman types depressing their way through match reports. Transparent, but not overwhelmingly patronising as Norman himself over at that freebie paper, The Evening Standard.

If it wasn't for their simplicity of dressing down football then we wouldn’t be blessed with the likes of Sky Sports News, which is a little bit like a 2D version of the Sports pages of The Sun just without the Page 3 girls. Talking of tits, their presenters reach such heights of giddiness over complete non-events that it becomes watchable by virtue of the pantomime at hand.

"We're outside the Spurs training ground, and that might be David James in the land rover that just drove past. Can't be sure, but if it is, he'll be here for a last minute medical and will sign for Spurs. Nope, actually, he's in Portsmouth, but we're just hearing that Anton Ferdinand is about to sign for Spurs…"

Love it.

Whether it's a reporter outside a football ground with delusional/happy fans jumping up and down or the flash of the yellow ticker telling us that they understand xxx is about to sign for xxx, it's essential viewing because you don't want to miss how many times the same bit of news can be repeated with such a consistently high level of enthusiasm.

My personal favourite was the evening that Sky exclusively told everyone that Barcelona captain Puyol was practically Spurs bound, only for the yellow ticker to suddenly disappear and for the accompanying web page story to go missing. Not another mention of it. Ever. It was almost like someone had gone with the story based on the word of someone else who just blurted out a randomly selected well known player, even if there was no suggestion he would ever consider leaving the Camp Nou let alone join us. As if. Yet there it was, scrolling across the screen.

The Sun, Sky…everyone proclaims to hate them yet people keep on reading and watching. I'm one of those people. It's a bit like the X-Factor. It's a winning formula that never needs to change it's format in a huge way and even when it's controversial or just plain silly its popularity isn't effected. Even if it's critically condemned it's usually by the very same people who claim to dislike it yet can't stop talking about it. Christ I hate the twins. Hate them with a passion, but can't ever see myself looking the other way and ignoring them. But that's the magic of Murdoch's The Sun and Sky Sports News. As for Cowell and Jedward, nice lads, who can't sing. Much like Juddlestone at Spurs. Nice lads, who can't play football.

So here's to a further 40 years of botched up predictions, agendas and propaganda, columnists and their egos, regurgitated agent transfer talk and all the exclusives we can handle.

Keep on whoring...

Sky Sports 3 Tottenham Hotspur 0

Has anyone picked up and read today's copy of The Sun, that bastion of impartial reporting? No? Ok, no worries. Let me share with you some key moments from the match report from the Chelsea v Spurs game.

And despite Harry Redknapp's side having tested Chelsea in all areas until then, the contest was over.

- Was it really? How so? Do games end when one the home team takes a 1-0 lead? Was it that one-sided that the white towels were raining down on Stamford Bridge?

Redknapp complained bitterly that Robbie Keane should have had a penalty nine minutes into the second half but the claim was more doubtful than the outcome.

- Are you blind? I guess you would be down there on your knees taking it. Learn to close your eyes. It's what all the best starlets do.

The same cannot be said of Ricardo Carvalho's on Keane but the reaction of the Spurs skipper led to justice, regardless of the claims. Carvalho did make contact but Keane initially stayed on his feet before tumbling like a stuntman. Ref Howard Webb waved away the appeals and even refused to book Keane for diving - despite his insistence he should get one if there was no foul. All of this, however, was an example of wasted energy from Spurs.

- Possibly one of the most ludicrous statements made in any match report. Ever. Well, this weekend at the very least. But this is The Sun we're talking about. Ironically a paper Harry writes for - so should be interesting to see how he plans to use his column in this losing war of propaganda and distortion to fight the fight. Tumbling like a stuntman? Yes, we beat you 2-1 at Upton Park. Dry them. Wasted energy? What like the Top 4 clubs waste energy chasing down and attempting to influence the ref, week in week out? Or are you too busy begging for another moneyshot in the face to notice?

Chelsea are top of the league, a 100 per cent record and playing well - who could ask for more?

- Whoop-de-do. What more could any of us possibly ask for? I'm sitting stroking myself I'm so happy that no boat has been rocked and that the status quo is still in it's divine place, up there in the Gods. You absolute wound of a journalist.

There you go. Fact turned to fiction in one simplistic match report. I guess asking a West Ham fan (Ian McGarry) to report on a Spurs game will always result with this type of bullshit, appeasing the untouchable aura of a Top 4 club. Shame on anyone who though it was a pen, right? Even though it was, it wasn't actually a penalty because saying that Spurs could have had a way back into the game would be stating that Chelsea could have possibly suffered for it. The very thought is blasphemy.

Ok, look. I'm not going to start throwing conspiracy theories all over the place about how ref's consciously or subconsciously protect the members of the Sky Sports Super league, making sure that key decisions at key moments always go their way. You can argue that its just coincidental in that the standard of referring isn't particularly good and that these types of decisions can go either way. Except if you add them up you'll find them stacked up against us. Although I've heard plenty of Man Utd fans say the same thing about ref's and their side, so it's all in the eye of the beholder.

However, how can you not be bitter when the same incompetent clown - who gave Utd  a pen last season at OT when we were 2-0 up - decides that Keane wasn't fouled on Sunday afternoon? Did he not see it clearly? Did he think Keane dived? If so where was the yellow card? And if he believed Robbie lost his balance, logically, would that not have been because he was tripped? Key decision, key moment. And then we're 2-0 down within two minutes.

There were other moments in the game that had me in facepalm mode. Defoe brought down just outside the area was one example. God forbid we get a freekick just outside the box. Damn it, I want to see Huddlestone smack the ball into the wall…do not deny me this!

Webb's lack of performance aside, we didn't look too bad in the first half. Second half, it all went wrong. From the no-penalty to King going off injured (game over for certain at this point) and then Bassong off on a stretcher. We lost shape. We lost hope. It was comfortable for them. It was lucky it stayed at 3-0.

We are desperately missing Modric and having Utd and Chelsea in the first two games without him have not helped as Harry has looked at shaping the team in a certain why to live with the both of them and it hasn't worked. On Sunday, their fullbacks enjoyed plenty of success. And yes, it would be nice to one day see us take moments of injustice and truly take the game by the scruff rather than heads dropping downwards. Are we a one-man team? Nope. But we could have done with far more comfortable fixtures.

But that's neither here or there. We lacked full pelt effort at home to United and no luck at Chelsea. The harsh reality is we are some way off from the Top 4. We knew that before both of these games. What we need, now and again, is for people like Webb to avoid blatant fuck-ups and award decisions our way. Because that sort of decision can possibly aid us in producing one of those type of upsets that people like Richard Keyes have nightmares about. It seems that the difference between us and sides like Chelsea sometimes come down to the ref rather than the players on the pitch.

I'd like us to work towards a level where our destiny within the 90 minutes is completely in our hands and we win games with football and not the ref's whistle. That way there are no ready-made excuses and what-if's. Because there is nothing worse than the day after being spent thinking about how the game could have turned out differently.

Will blog some more about the game later.

The truth is never out there (David Bentley)

Thought I'd share this because it serves a purpose in never quite believing what you read, even when they print quotes from the player in question. In this case, David Bentley. The interview in question is the one The Sun published yesterday where David allegedly told the journalist that he was in talks with Aston Villa.

Complete fabrication. At least according to a good friend of DB who has no reason to fib. Unlike the tabloids who do nothing but.

I accept we'll be seeing one of those two sentence apologies hidden away in the corner of the page soon.

Still, would be ironic if Villa do end up bidding for him and he does go.

Truth will out in time.

Spurs to sign Beckham? That makes sense

Staggering piece of journalism in today’s Sun concerning Harry Redknapp and how we all shouldn’t be too surprised if he manages to resurrect David Beckham’s career form the dead by signing him in the summer. Because if you haven't yet noticed, Becks has slipped into obscurity in recent months.

The assumption made is that Becks needs football after the MLS season ends in October and I guess AC Milan won’t be an option. I say guess because you have to suspend probability to get a grasp of Ian McGarry’s Inside View. All this is based on the logic that LA Galaxy and Milan don't agree a transfer deal and that if Ancelotti leaves for Chelsea the new man at the helm might not want the England veteran. And thus, the Premier League is the only logical loan spell awaiting. That's all quite possible in theory, but none of it is actually referenced or argued.

There’s plenty of hot air about why it would benefit the player to wear Lilywhite and how it won’t harm his England chances and that Harry, a selfless creature, would rejuvenate Beckham who is currently a pale insignificant shadow of his former self playing for an amateur club in a low quality league. Ok, Milan aren’t that bad, and neither is Italian football but obviously playing for Spurs is a far more rewarding prospect according to Ian.

The 'Beckham wanted to be Glenn Hoddle when he was a kid' comment doesn't cut it with me either. This, the same Hoddle that humiliated Becks in England training?

The rest of the article is about the magic man-management of Redknapp and how he’s handled King infinitely better than Ramos ever did – which is something nobody could argue a case against.

Now if you’re still unsure McGarry is writing without substance and reason, other than a PR push for Harry, then the following will surely guarantee it:

“According to those who know him best, Redknapp would be the last to claim success is all about him, his ability or his personality. Speak to the players he coaches, though, and you discover that even if Harry denies being a Special One, he is certainly special. It’s just he doesn’t go shouting from the rooftops. Redknapp’s style is understated and is based on over 45 years’ experience in the game”

Harry would be the last to claim success? According to those who know him best? Who? Jamie Redknapp? I’m not going to dispute ‘arrys man management skills because they have taken us from the mire up to a UEFA Cup push. But to claim he is understated and that he doesn’t like standing in the limelight (which is what’s being suggested) is wonderfully ridiculous. Harry calls up Sky Sports News often with ‘from the horses mouth’ exclusives, ffs. He’s a media-whore, and he loves it. And everyone knows it.

Does Harry write for the Sun? Does Ian know Harry personally? Ian must be In The Know, as apparently he seems privy about a proposal that Levy is ‘seriously considering’ on forking out for the Beckham brand. What else is in this proposal? Does it cover whether Becks will be signed to play on the right replacing the younger, raw talent of Lennon? Or will he play in the middle, pushing Huddlestone further away from the pecking order? And haven’t we already got a beta-version of Becks in the reserves that needs a serious reboot?

I’ll shave off my beard and eat it if we signed David Beckham.