You'll have seen this before

Shame on those who haven't. Blatant plug. Hopefully this series will run and run. Ledley King is inspired. Although I'm hoping Teh Trunk doesn't ruin things by sharing third rate ITK tittle-tattle. Keep to the videos chief.

Part I

Part II

How many ITK's does it take to change a light-bulb?

Q) How many In The Know's does it take to change a light-bulb?

A) None.

20 to express confidence in the light-bulb being changed successfully.
20 to suggest there's a real possibility it won't be changed.
12 to claim it should be changed by the end of the day but no guarantee.
23 to inform all there will be announcement later on in the day once the light bulb has been changed. Or possibly tomorrow morning.
7 to reiterate to all that they have to wait and see what happens.
17 to say the old bulb has lost it's spark.
9 to confirm the new light-bulb is looking good and should be a perfect fit.
5 to cryptically suggest that the 'sky has no rays shining down upon us until the Sun rises high in the sky' (translated: "Has anyone gone to Tescos yet to buy a new bulb?"
6 to go pick up lunch from Burger King.
15 to suggest a plumber might be better suited for the job.
5 to let everyone know that the new bulb will be world class.
11 to inform not to expect much, bulb might be purchased from Pound Stretcher.
9 to suggest the bulb might not need changing, but if someone comes in with a new one...
7 to hold up a ladder to reach the bulb and 1 to suggest a tree might provide sterner support.
80 to stand God-like around the ladder chanting 'Kneel before Zod' whilst worshippers pray and unequivocally await for news of when the bulb will be changed, refusing to look up and see for themselves.
10 to read instructions on how to change a light-bulb online.
10 more to claim they also read the instructions but didn't really, but insist they know how to.
5 to state categorically that if they change the bulb and it fails to work, it's not their fault, but the fault of the person who gave them the instructions.
22 to claim to be patient as the new light-bulb is being imported from abroad.
5 to say they've read on Twitter that the bulb has been changed already.
7 to point out the bulb will hang from the centre, but will enough light get to the left-side of the room?
4 to wait for the second the bulb is changed, and then quickly call everyone they know and tell them the bulb is about to be changed.
3 to watch the bulb being changed from afar and then tell everyone they know that the reason the bulb was changed was because the older bulb flickered too much and needed replacing.
4 to say that something will be done before Tesco's shut otherwise they'll have to wait until it re-opens.
2 to call order and inform all that they are about to conclude the changing of the light-bulb, possibly two bulbs. One's a Halogen the other Fluorescent but possibly has very good colour-rendering ability. Should be rare-earth tri-phosphor. Electricians will hold a press conference some time this week, possibly towards the end of next week for the first bulb with the second announcement to follow soon after if a further bulb is used. Decent voltage for both bulbs. One of them has long-term life with up to 10,000 hours while the other will be a surprise (but a good one - possibly energy saving) and has thus far enjoyed a brief warm-up period to reach full brightness but is looking forward to hanging from the ceiling.


1 passer-by to point out that there is no light-bulb to change because they're all standing around in a dark room with no electricity.

Transfer Window lock-down - a review

I'm not sure what I enjoyed most about transfer deadline day. Sky Sports News ridiculous coverage which greeted every piece of non-event news item with delirium, including Andy Burton checking his vibrating mobile phone for inside information 'live on air' whilst the other presenters did their very best not to spontaneously combust.

Or the various Tottenham message board 'ITK's who failed miserably to guess the days transfers, desperately attempted to predict what would unfold in the final hours left till the window closed.

Ironically, not a lot was actually happening in the real world. The last day of the transfer window always feels like an anti-climax if nothing overwhelmingly spectacular doesn't occur. Even though we've had the entirety of the summer months to sign a player, we all assume that a last minute deal is likely, when in fact the odds are stacked against it.

We knew Niko Kranjčar would happen and it did. Quite possibly the deal of this window and any window, as Levy somehow managed to get Portsmouth to fork out £1.5M + the Croatian midfielder for the signature of Kevin Prince Boateng. Amazing.

He'll cover Modric over on the left hand side and might stay there with Moddle playing centre when he returns. Gives us options. Gives us a little more depth. Still no true left-winger at the Lane, but we don't appear to need one. Niko may have gone stale at Pompey and has not got anywhere near the type of quality he can produce and produce consistently, but you just know Harry will get the best out of him. And much like we've seen many times before, a move can rejuvenate a player. It's a good solid signing, one without the overexuberant price tag and hype that we usually make the mistake of making.

Elsewhere, strong rumours linking Bentley with a move to City and Petrov with a move to Spurs. This morphed between transfers to loan deals as the day progressed, suggesting we would swap wingers until seasons end. Neither deal happened. Harry saying that David leaving wasn't going to happen. Petrov's agent saying that the player wanted to sign for Spurs and was in London but Mark Hughes pulled the plug.

As the clocked ticked and we got closer to 5pm, Sky Sports News presenters began to melt on screen like the scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

"Don't look at it. Shut your eyes. Don't look at it, no matter what happens!"

And yet we couldn't look away. And in reply we were entertained as we listened to stories about how Alan Hutton and Anton Ferdinand were going to swap teams in a loan deal that would have left us with one first team right-back (having had 103 at the start of the season). Had we signed Ferdinand I would have spent the rest of the year doing porridge. He's absolute pony and I would have happily broken into Levy's home and explained this to him as he awoke in bed next to Mrs Levy.

David James to Spurs was tabloid fantasy. We did however inquire about Matthew Upson but it 'never really got close'. And that was it. The only missing piece from the jigsaw was a central midfielder. One that could either:

- Cover Wilson Palacios
- Compliment Wilson Palacios
- Play a little too

Not asking for much then.

It's been the one constant through-out the summer, our search for another robust enforcer. If Wilson picked up a Modricesque injury, who would slot into his position to aid us in his absence? Should have known nothing would happen on the final day. If nothing has happened all summer, then what chances of a deal being struck in the final 24 hours unless talks have been ongoing for a week or so?

At the start of the summer we bid for Gareth Barry but stood no chance of offering him the riches that City could. Not sure what the Vieira story was all about, as he's not even half the player he was 5 years ago. Slow, no bite and quite simply a shadow of his former self - he would have been an unmitigated disaster in Lilywhite. Not even his former club looked his way with a serious inclination to sign him (it was more a case of PR so that his Arsenal ties were not damaged with talk about joining Spurs). I still think Redknapp used this as some form of mis-direction, but if he did, nothing was forthcoming in the way of a CM signing.

Sissoko, we bid for. Apparently a while back. And found ourselves walking away slowly thanks to the price tag. Appiah was on trial for us months ago, and the ITK's (desperate towards the end of yesterday) suggested he was about to be signed ( the transfer deadline wouldn't even be relevant here anyway). Muntari was also a favourite of many but again this appeared to be nothing more than paper talk, much like Jenas to Inter was.

Sandro, the Internacional midfielder was heavily linked with a move to Spurs, until it was revealed that the real reason Levy was in Brazil was to complete a partnership deal with his club which will allow for their players to join us loan. The alleged £16M bid for him was probably nothing more than ye olde mis-direction. However, I wouldn't discount this completely, and he may yet sign for us (on loan or otherwise) in the next window. Just a hunch. And considering the deal we have with Internacional, it won't come as a surprise.

So with the window closed, we have a decent squad of players + 1. Would have preferred O'Hara to have remained with us, but if he plays for Pompey between now and Jan, then he'll come back a better player. We hope.

Disappointed that there is no brand spanking new CM? Was it realistic to expect a player of similar ilk to Palacios to sign, and if a player of such quality did he'd have to play alongside him rather than on the bench. Signing someone as cover when we have O'Hara (be it out on loan for the moment) was obviously not a priority.

Do we know enough about the likes of Sandro and Sissoko to expect them with any assured certainty to be able to play side-by-side Wilson? What would happen to Jenas and Huddlestone, the latter developing and improving with each game? A massive £15M midfield signing would actual cause a problem or two with squad harmony. Nice problem to have, but almost certain to bring the end of either JJ or Hudd come the new year.

I've not changed my tune on this. Still reckon we need another CM. But finding one for the right price and one that can spend time on the bench and still be good enough to play alongside Palacios…that's not as easy as I wish it could be.

If Levy does have something lined up with Internacional, then signing another midfielder now would not be an option even if we are crying out for one from the message boards. In fact, maybe Harry doesn't think we need one. No last minute activity yesterday would suggest so, as I can't find a single quote from him to suggest we were looking in desperation to plug this particular hole.

So that's that. Four months to go before the window re-opens. Who we sign then will depend on how well we are doing. If we are in a 5th spot within touching distance of 4th, then perhaps the money saved yesterday will be spent to lift us up tomorrow.

Fact is, we continue to sign players who improve the team balance/structure. No textbook superfluous signings. Times have officially changed at the Lane. And now the real work begins.

Hold onto your bagels.

Would you swap Modric for Carrick?

It hasn't taken long for the rumourwhores and ITK's to start suggesting that Man Utd are after Luka Modric. The maths here is easy. Harry mentions Fergie rates him, Harry mentions he has no problem re-signing ex-Spurs players and Carrick is left out of the squad for Utd's last game and therefore that quite obviously equates to a Utd bid of £10M + Carrick (28 at his peak), for our little Croatian magician (23 nowhere near his peak).

This has already been picked up by a journo. Although not sure I've seen the story hit the major tabloids just yet. Although most would ignore this as bollocks, other's would point out that life outside the Top 4 usually results in feeding the likes of Utd because players - lacking commitment to a contract they've signed - tend to know that jumping ship when the opportunity arises is impossible for them to reject (because staying at a club longer than 2 years and become part of a side building towards sustaining a challenge is far too long of a project time wise). Silverware within a season is something that cannot be ignored. The bigger get bigger the slightly less big continue to slim down to an unheathly size.

If you allowed your imagination to run wild, you might conclude that Ferguson has already began his game playing, looking to unsettle a team brimming with confidence (ok, that's just me taking the piss, because I doubt he's worried about us being a threat just because we've won 3 games on the trot). Drag it out over the course of the season, flirting in the media about the target (remember the Berbatov saga?) and then swoop in with a bid knowing full well that even if we reject the bid, it won't be long before the player agrees personal terms leaving the club threatening legal action which results in a charity donation to complete the deal. The side-effect is that a key player has gone, meaning other key players would consider doing the same which leaves us in a position of uncertainty and (Jesus wept) another transition.

With thanks to yid-soldier over at GG.co.uk for the visual

The irony is, some Spurs fans are actually hoping this rumour is based on fact. Personally, I can't see Michael making a move back down to Spurs from Champs League considering he left us for that in the first place. He's won three titles there and the biggest prize of them all. He left Spurs because he had no faith in us challenging for 4th spot. The Redknapp factor might play a part in swaying his opinion but isn't the whole point to retain some form of consistency? Carrick is excellent. But how would you go about replacing Modric? Huddlestone will once more stagnate. And let's face it, if we have aspirations for the Top 4 - and Carrick is a Top 4 player, then would Utd really let him go considering (away from the hype of the Ronaldo's of this world) how vital he's been for them since moving up there? Nothing fits, other than subjective chitter-chatter that may well come back to bite (me) us in the backside if we slump and finish 10th.

Only way to banish this would be to finish in the Top 4 and then maybe we can tap up Carrick, with the offer of Champs League and the bright(er) lights of London.

Don't you just love football? Now where's that bottle of Absinthe?

Bent (finally) to Sunderland

Via Newcastle airport. So say the Sunderland fans in this here message board.

Done and dusted then? I hope he has a permission slip from Daniel. The ticket is apparently off Twitter (those pesky micro-bloggers).

Thanks to Sunderland Spur for the pics. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing them, as I'm sure in the next 30 minutes every blog and site will be displaying the above treats.

There's a third picture of him looking rather happy, clicky here.

Hands up if you’re ‘in the know’?

All this Klaas-Jan Huntelaar business...

Do you think that Harry is doing Madrid a favour by continually linking us with the player so that other business is drummed up in the way of interest for the Dutch striker? Yes, this is the latest piece of ITK jelly wobbling its way around the underbelly of the interweb. Question is, if we are doing Madrid a favour, what do we get for lending them a helping hand? Do they have any available centre-backs we can take off their hands?

And elsewhere Darren Bent’s Twitter account has been deleted which means we are all back to square one with knowing how his transfer away from the Lane is progressing. I’m looking forward to the official club statement confirming that the matter is being dealt with internally with a probable forced apology from the player while Levy does his utmost to sell him to Hull. Talking of which, to answer your question Darren (“Do I wanna go to Hull?”), I don’t think anyone chooses to go to Hull. Not if they can help it.

If you follow the ITK community and have been paying attention you’ll have noticed that it’s been rather special this summer. Special in the way of a Ghost Town. No one has been upfront with news other than something I read a day before Crouch signed, but otherwise, all we've been given in the way of inside information is cryptic nonsense and reactive commentary based on what the tabloids have already written about. It soon becomes apparent that nobody knows anything, churning out the same whispers time and time again.

We all know how it works, especially in the papers. Agents, clubs, journalists...they are all entwined together orchestrating with the aim (or at least attempting) to help aid their agenda(s). But with insider info, especially with the way it’s shared online, its altogether a completely different kind of beast. One that quietly whispers a secret and then disappears back into the shadows. Only to reappear at a later date and whisper something similar.

"The sun will rise in the morning"

We’ve been here before haven’t we? I do love talking about ITK’s as the whole culture of its obsession fascinates me. There’s no doubt that there are people who work for Tottenham or football agents who have friends who support the club. So it’s not unlikely they will share info with them and these people are the ones who post about them on message boards. But how many people genuinely know what the club is planning behind the scenes? Can’t be many, because if it was leaked, then the culprits will be known to the chairman. That’s why you find that usually, ITK info that hits the nail on the head comes about when the club have already agreed a deal with a player and far more people are likely to have clocked on by then (mainly because the player arrives for a medical).

What we’ve seen this summer more than anything is people claiming that a deal is in progress but won’t happen for a while. Which is a nice way of making sure your ITK info has a decent sell-by-date. I know we (as a club) take our bloody time, but reading about something that the tabloids are covering and Harry has commented about makes me and many other suspicious. It’s easy to ‘guess’ what might happen. Throw enough shit at the wall and some of it will stick. And if it does...you’ll be crowned a legend.

This is not to say there are not people out there who do know something. There are. It’s a minority though. 3% I’d say. And as much as love a bit of inside info (ooh, hypocrite) I think it should only ever be shared at the point of when the club has agreed the transfer – rather than any time before it, because as we’ve learnt time and time again – if something genuine gets leaked it could be detrimental to the club.

I’m still waiting for a truly definitive piece of ITK info. If you manage to find one, please feel free to share. The irony is never lost on me. I do get it. Why slate them? If they are so inconsequential, why even cite them in the first place? Well I guess it’s much like the tabloid papers. You can’t actually ignore it can you if everywhere you look, it’s staring right back at you. It's the necessity to know something before its made public. The anticipation requires a tease. And deep down you hope somewhere in the haystack is a needle.

For the current list (if you want to study the evidence), visit the GG.co.uk forum and this thread that covers off all ITK tittle-tattle for this sun-less summer.

Happy reading.

And for the record - the best ITK information is the type that gets uncovered AFTER an event. So for example, when Levy sacked Jol or when Kemsley and co went after Ramos or the issues with the DoF structure. That's far more relevant IMO.

UPDATE:

Read this piece of ITK for an example of what makes far better reading than the usual drivel. Even though it might still be drivel. It has a lot more substance than the norm.

Hands up if you're bored of this transfer window

I’m about to disappear for a week and hope that all our transfer dealings take place when I’m away so that I have something substantial to write about when I get back. News Now has been littered with stories and rumours and suggestions in this past week, with no end in sight. And I’ve grown a little weary of summing up the latest rotten ITK info falling from the grapevine. However, at the time of writing, this is the latest hack news:

Young to Spurs. Or Chelsea.

Bent to Villa. Bentley to City.

KJH is still a target.

Vieira practically signed.

Robben still being flitered with.

Negredo a done deal for £13M.

Kyle Naughton and Kyle Walker allegedly doneth and dustedeth.

Medical for Young today apparently, yet that appears to have been quashed by Martin O’Neill who has stated he is not going anywhere. Bent and Bentley have been eternally linked with moves away yet other than Sunderland (who are now looking at Crouch) there is no other movement for the two unloved stars. Robben won’t happen. If it does I’ll happily eat humble pie, but I just can’t see it. His ego, his wage demands, his dad. Nope, won’t happen. As for Vieira, that’s cooled a little mainly because everyone is talking about Negredo being a done deal and Klass-Jan Huntelaar apparently taking time-out to decide between us and Stuttgart.

It’s all very muddled. Defoe is obviously going nowhere. Bent must be. Pav is an uncertainty. And Keane also remains a mystery. If we do sign two strikers then that can only spell the end of the three mentioned above, with Jermain remaining a Lilywhite. Do you see why I’m weary? Theorising over the much criticised ITK leaked info and tabloid exclusives is a redundant idea considering there is no real way of knowing who it is we are aiming to sign until said player has been signed. Practically all of the ITK whispers have been reactive to what you may have read already. The papers mention Robben, suddenly there are several pieces of leaked info relating to ‘talks’ with the player. All signed off with the usual textbook, don’t shoot the messenger get out clause.

As for the Sheffield United pair, apparently we've stolen them from the grasp of Everton for a peachy £8M. If this has happened, there's a fair chance both players will remain at United for another season. If they joined us and did not return to Sheffield on loan, then what that means for Gunter and Hutton and Chimbonda is another wonderful conundrum, as our right-back collection grows and grows. Some fetish.

Damn it, I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Summarising.

I’ll be following the latest by browsing the back pages of the English newspapers whilst I sun it and hope that my consistent record of being abroad when Spurs open the transfer floodgates continues.

Only other thing I want to mention before signing off is our 3-0 win against Exeter last night. Defoe, Modric, Lennon and Huddlestone all looked sharp. Pav and Bent were solid and Dervitte (our young French centre-back) wasn’t too shabby alongside Corluka. Bentley also did well and The Prince lined up impressively with Palacios in the second half. At least in his head he did. He looks the part, but just don’t think he plays the part. Pre-season should allow Harry to decide whether he is adequate cover for the central midfield.

Danny Rose played ok. I expect the young lad to play some part in the season ahead, a cameo here a cameo there. Shame there was no Adel. Not sure whether this is due to injury, but that’s wishful thinking.

Gio not present, but that might have to do with International duty. Keane wasn’t all there. Still looking a little broken after his Liverpool mis-adventure.

But let’s chill out, it was Exeter and it was our first pre-season game. It’s going to be interesting to see who plays a part as the week’s progress. I guess we can start talking about breaking the Top 4 after we thrash Barca 5-0 at Wembley.

Anyways, see you on the other side. By the end of next week here’s to an England Ashes victory and one or two brand spanking new players unveiled at the Lane.

COYS.

Good news, the wait is nearly over

I have some decent news. Without fail, every summer when I'm out of the country sunning it up in the Mediterranean, Spurs sign players. Last year as I lounged on a sun-bed I got a text message to tell me that David Bentley had signed. Christ, how I jumped for joy at that one. So, the big day is this Friday. That's when I jet out of Blightly for 7 days of 100 degrees Fahrenheit temps. And that's when the transfer floodgates open for a refreshing shower of much wanted incomings and thankful outgoings at White Hart Lane.

I'll ignore what the tabloids are saying this morning, as it's simply a re-hash of what the message boards were talking about last week. Although, ironically, telling you what the boards are saying is probably what the newspapers are reporting on today. So…

Patrick Vieira. A not so golden oldie. A player who hasn't been anywhere near exceptional for a few years now. The ITK's say it's a done deal. Which probably means it won't happen. If it does, what we have is a player who could galvanise the players around him much like Edgar Davids did when he signed for us. Does he still have what it takes? I have no clue. Haven't seen enough of him for Inter and I'd hazard a guess that the slow-pace of Serie A is a far more comfortable zone than the fast-paced EPL. I guess if he is 'cheap' and the contract is short, I have no reason to complain. You never know. He might still have something about him, enough to bring further stability to our midfield. The fact that he's ex- scum obviously grates me. But if a player wears the Lilywhite, then he has my backing. For 5 minutes at least, after that, I'll tear him a new one if he doesn't perform to the acceptable standards.

As for the other whispers. It’s the same names being touted out to the same clubs in the same repeated rotation. Sunderland signed Frazier Campbell after being linked to Bent for an age. Fee can't be agreed between us and them over Darren. We want Jones as part of the deal (shudder) but apparently Villa are now front-runners and are hoping to claim Bent as their own. This, unsurprisingly, means that Young is coming to us because Downing is now a target for Martin O'Neill. Bentley is also somehow involved in all this as some form of bargaining chip. It's probably the 10th time now that a variation of this transfer saga has made the headlines.

Huntelaar is still getting a mention, but it's probably nothing more than agent talk to push Stuttgart into finalising the deal to sign him. I can't see him at Spurs.

There are some fresh stories, believe it or not. But nothing overly exciting. Sheffield United youngster Kyle Naughton is a target along with team-mate Kyle Walker. But both players (if signed) would remain at their current club for next season, for development as they are both kids. Everton have been heavily linked with Naughton. Nothing certain, except that its factual thanks to Sheff United comfiring the interest. Talking of Everton...

Tim Cahill is getting a mention from some quarters (LOLZ) having been apparently sighted with Harry Redknapp (ooh). I know Everton are hard up, but there is no way that Cahill would move on from Goodison Park. Just my opinion. If it happens, I'll shave my head.

One piece of devastating news is that Chimbonda is happy to stay at Spurs. Until someone finds him. Apparently Pascal is aiming to break the hide and seek world record. My guess is that he's managed to hide himself behind the stack of unsold copies of the Opus in the store room at the Spurs club shop. But there's no need to look straight away.

So, as you can see. Another week, the same stories doing the rounds with one or two new entries to add. I think we've been linked now with around 85 players since the end of the season. What does this mean? I'd guess that Levy has rid the club of any potential leaks, leaving hacks and fanboys throwing shit at the wall hoping some of will stick.

Until I leave the country, keep the champagne on ice.

The next 'big name signing'?

Stupendous day. If you're in central London, hop onto one of those open bus tourist tours and have yourself a parade. Pennant has gone to La Liga. I haven't cried since that Gazza yellow card in Italia '90, but have no shame in admitting I shed a tear when I read that the arrogant and over-hyped, ex-scum 'wonder-kid' had agreed to join Real Zaragoza. If we struggled to get an in-form winger (Bentley) to work in the team, what chance an inconsistent petulant prick?

The ITK community had us along with a couple of Italian clubs interested and that it was a done deal for him to sign for Harry once we got rid of Bentley. It's like these attention-seekers are playing a grand version of connect-the-dots with one dot in London and the other next closest dot somewhere hidden in the depths of the Eagle Nebula.

I'm actually a lot calmer now with all this incoming outgoing transfer circus. I've re-discovered patience and also some respect for our esteemed chairman for standing firm with Sevilla over the Zokora saga and bagging and alleged £8.65M (although we did pay them a bundle for the Ramos compensation). Bent's long running 'will he won't he' be the next Spurs player to make the trip up to Sunderland looks like coming to a happy conclusion with us finally agreeing a fee. It's not going to be anywhere near the £16M we paid for him. No doubt this will result with day long street parties in the East End. For us, it means more money in the kitty as we look towards bringing in a new forward.

Carew from Villa is the man marked by all. Big, strong, great at holding up the ball. All ingredients that Harry likes and we need. Might not be prolific or the best natural finisher - but alongside Defoe, it might just work. He won't cost too much, but as a consequence of the club he plays for currently and the fact we just sold Zokora - Nigel Reo-Coker might become part of the package.

The irony is not lost on me. From one 'Do do do' to another. Excuse the pun, but for the love of God…do one. Carew, I can live with if he's cheap. I'd much prefer a younger player with bags of potential and a proven record. But if things are tricky in the transfer market (which they are) then we need to be a little shrewd. Reo-Coker isn't shrewd. It's a mistake.

Talking of mistakes, did anyone see a story about Birmingham chasing a certain Inter player? Tabloids linking him to a return to the Prem. So what happens next? Cryptic messages start appearing on Spurs forums about how we are in for a player who - if signed - will make you laugh or cry.

Patrick Vieira? In Lilywhite? Sacrebleu!

I think I'm about to lose that calming feeling.

Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy

How are you feeling? I'm feeling parched. In fact I'm worse than that. I'm dehydrated, lips dry and cracked and gasping for a drop of water. The vast sandy plains of the desert is a never-ending landscape of nothingness. Unbearable heat, sun burning the skin raw, one mirage after another after another playing constant tricks on my eyes.

And when I finally see something in the distance, and I sense in my heart of hearts it's not a mirage and I crawl towards it praying I get there before I black out…I reach for it hoping and praying it’s the miracle I've been waiting for but all I find in my hands is a packet of salt and vinegar crisps. An ironic sick joke and as helpful to a man dying of thirst as a saxophone is to an astronaut walking on the surface of the moon.

Welcome to this seasons summer transfer window.

Today is Wednesday. Nothing has happened. Yesterday was Tuesday, nothing happened. And tomorrow (Thursday) is also scheduled for nothing.

Such is the desperation that even the rumours and the ITK gossip is as dry as a grain of sand in the Sahara. We see Zokora going to Sevilla, but then it's off…but it could be on again. Who knows? Bent is over-priced and nobody appears to be interested. Apart from Sunderland who might want him if the price is right, but Harry might want Jones so nothing might happen here. Or maybe it will because Crouch is being linked to a move to the Stadium of Light. But he's also being linked with us, but only as a back-up option. Meaning someone has to be our main target. But if we had a main target, we'd surely know who it is. No? Answers on a postcard.

Bentley was going to Villa and we were signing Young. This was then followed by the Spurs invasion of Madrid to pick-up the Dutch players pushed aside by the return of the Galacticos. Alas, the mind is playing cruel tricks again. It was just an hallucination. Here's hoping that the Pennant rumour is also a full blown mirage too. What next? A cheeky bid for Rohan Ricketts? The return of the Ginger Pele?

Pav is linked with a different club every week. Either his agent is desperately trying to orchestrate a move for him or we are trying desperately to orchestrate a move for him. Or the tabloids are trying desperatley to orchestrate a story. Nobody is interested. Much like nobody is interested in Boateng, but then who would be if we are trying to claim back what we paid for him in the first place. If Levy is being this shrewd we might never sell him. Or Gio for that matter, who has no future at the club. Harry doesn't fancy him. He fancies a bit of Adel, but the young midfield maestro fancies us as much as I fancy Courtney Love to eat a plate of steak and chips.

O'Hara to Fulham? Swap Jamie for Tom Huddlestone and you've got the same rumour for two different players and every other week just mix it up by changing the story from 'we don't wont to sell' to 'they won't pay what we want'.

Bale to go? No chance. Wouldn't even loan him out. Considering how many players we are meant to be selling, we won't have a squad left considering we are not yet opening the floodgates for incoming signings. Gunter on the other hand may well be surplus to requirements. If he's not, he'll definitely be out on loan because we have more players for the right-back position than Leyton has Polish residents.

Talking of right-backs, if Harry manages to re-locate Pascal Chimbonda - expect him to be sold on for a loss and signed back at Christmas. Apparently he's been sighted in Goa, but it's being suggested it's just a look-a-like.

And as for players we want to sign. With the Dutch lads at Madrid all 'dead in the water' (not literally, that would be murder) we have to persist with stories about how we are once more back in for the Welsh injury-prone version of Robbie Keane, Craig Bellamy.

Craig Bellamy? I'd rather we sign David Bellamy.

Heat stroke has kicked in and the desert mocks me further with a mirage of Comolli drinking Evian.

There's no coming back from this, unless the sky clouds over, dark and brooding, and a thunderous roar leads to relentless rain drowning me in hope.

Will I be saved? Nobody knows. At the moment I have to make do with crawling my way from one false hope to the next, as I progress to the next stage of delirium, heading towards ireversable insanity.

Hold up...I see a miracle...A MIRACLE! ENGLAND ARE THRASHING THE AUSSIES AT THE CRICKET! It's not a Spurs transfer deal, but it will do.

I'm finally at peace.

Bent still on course for Sunderland summit

Chatting to some Sunderland lads, it would seem the rumours of Robbie Keane being offered to Sunderland (a month or two back) are possible true - in that their ITK's are confirming the same thing ours are blabbering on about.

So whether there is any truth in the story suggesting that Keane is unhappy/only re-signed to save him from his Liverpool hell and help us out whilst Defoe was injured, on the promise of being sold in the summer.....phew, is something that we can only discuss as half-truths until we know better. We do love our conspiracy theories down here in N17.

As for Darren Bent, he's apparently keen on joining Sunderland and will be speaking to them this up and coming week (when he apparently returns from his hols). Spurs and Sunderland are almost at the point of agreement with the transfer fee. One of the Sunderland ITK's is well connected enough to say that Bent is interested in moving up to the Stadium of Light. Villa the only other interested party. We all know this is on the cards because far too many people have spoken about it - online and in the press. I bet it ends with an 'undisclosed fee' and Bent grabbing 20 goals for them next season.

As for Keane, we can only wait and see, but when offered, Quinn was not interested in accepting our generous gift that would come with a hefty asking price and a ripe old age.

Bale was also apparently offered to the Black Cats. Another rumour that the Spurs ITK's shared with us several weeks back. I'm hoping that part is not true.

ITK rumours hit a new low

He's been whoring himself in the media talking about being out of contract and willing to listen to offers.

"You want a good chairman and a great manager – it doesn't matter if he is coming into the game or is vastly experienced. You want stability. I'm aware [of interest] and it's nice to know that. I'm sure people come back from their holidays and have a week or two and start to see what they've got and hopefully deals can start moving." - Sol Campbell

The ridiculous is being suggested. Judas. Back to Spurs. On a free.

What next? Benedict Arnold being crowned the 'Greatest American in history'?

It would appear the sun is melting minds as well as ice cream. The ITK rumour suggests we are interested because we wouldn't have to pay a transfer fee. The irony of this...it burns, it burns. All we need now is Sky Andrew to get involved and we're set to go.

Are the ITK moles this desperate to claim prediction gold? He'd never come back. We'd never take him back. It's bullshit. There's more chance of me making made passionate love to Daniel Levy, on a bed made up of copies of the Opus in the centre circle at White Hart Lane wearing nothing but the yellow-streaked home shirt with 'WEST HAM ARE A BIGGER CLUB THAN US' printed on the back.

(To clarify...zero chance. Sorry Dan).

In other related news.

O'Hara is on his way to Fulham and Adel is set to stay and fight for his place. Far more realistic sound-bites, but this is now the 3rd or 4th time the deep throats at the Lane have passed on this information.

The only factual news relates to Zokora, as Sevilla once more (apparently) pull out of a deal.

The perpetual waiting game drags on...