Unleash purgatory!

Okay, so I'm half cut, I've had 6 hours sleep in two days and I'm about to smash the **** out of Babestation or which ever one of those channels has the less silicone. Prefer the natural look. I'm a true gentleman of class. So, what we got? Manchester United away in the Theatre of Capitulation. No win there since 1989. Four points from a possible sixty six. It's pretty much the football version of Bugs Bunny versus Elmer Fudd. Have you ever seen Fudd get the better of Bugs? Nope. Bugs even dresses up in skirts and lipstick. With carrot in hand, he's positively teasing the crap out of him. He's got it won before he's even turned up. Everything that happens, happens because that's what people expect to see transpire. There result has to be fleshed out with entertainment. Although I'm fairly sure I've never seen Fergie chomping on a carrot in the dugout and even if United swapped their kit for high heels and a frock they'd still manage to beat us.

We don't turn up at all. They beat us.
We play well, don't do enough. They beat us.
We play well, they still beat us.
We play well, they get a controversial decision go their way. They beat us.
We take the lead. They still beat us.
We run out onto their pitch. Someone in Lilywhite does something stupendously silly. They beat us.
There's a referee on the pitch? They beat us.

Did someone say Foy + fourth official Clattenburg? They beat us.

At the time of writing, it's 23:15 (Friday night). I can picture the game in my head already. Spurs too slow off the mark. United penalty. Ball kicked opposite way to the goal, its still found its way into the back of the net. United score again, 2-0 from the kick off. In the press box the reporters are all naked covered in each others spit, dancing around a burning effigy of AVB. Foy dishes out the yellow cards when Spurs players attempt to pull him away from his touchline French kiss with Sir Alex. Drama!

Do people still bother previewing this match in the build up to it? If I attempted to in my current state (I'll give it a go in a second), or even if I was sober, I'd say we've probably got as good a chance as most to upset United. They can be got at. And we do play better away from home. The issue isn't so much about being outclassed. United have some superb players and they are a team seasoned on the fact they don't always have to be at their best to beat opposition. They just beat them because they can because they are United. Literally united. Whether it be a mugging (like the one dished out to us at the Lane last season) or being clinical or simply never entertaining the prospective of defeat. But its still a game of football and we have our own shiny set of quality too.

There's a chapter in United's history about 'How to show no respect to the opposition and be relentless bastards'. That's the page we need to rip out and scribble all over our arms before we run out to be tested. Hoodoo's can impact games thanks to the fragility concerning mental strength and believing in said hoodoo. So many Spurs sides of recent years believe in it. Much like so many Spurs sides believed in the one Chelsea had over us. Time to treat it as a one off. There is no history. There is just the present and you have to own the day to push into the next one with a smug smile on your face.

Therefore what? What's the master-plan then? It's that old cliché - belief. That commodity we so often fool ourselves into believing we believe in. I think. Hold up. Let me try that again. Belief - we think we can do it but we never do because we don't really believe we can. Legs turn to jelly, brains turn to mush. We welcome it with open arms. It's fairly pathetic to be honest. United don't need any help most times, so we endeavour to bend over for them each time. Yes, some decisions have been head scratches, but enough of the apologetic nonsense. I've said that every year for a fair few now. I'm having to be apologetic myself for wishing and hoping for something new to talk about in this fixture.

So, let's pretend we do believe. Come on now, let's just BELIEVE. New coach and new ways of preparing will equate to a new faith in ourselves and the players in each other in what they can achieve. All I want us to do is turn up and attack and take our chances. Proper basic football 101 stuff. Whatever happens, take it on the chin. Can't argue if you get outclassed. Defeats can sometimes illustrate what needs fixing in terms of positions, formations, instructions. It's the attitude that gels all that stuff together. The application on the day. No blue screens of death please. Lose in glorious fashion, not with comedy.

If we do lose and its another controversy or idiotic mistake then we're need more than a new coach to bury this hoodoo. We'll probably have to reanimate Harry Hotspur from the history books or offer a sacrifice to the footballing Gods pre-match, someone like Graham Roberts. That should get us a draw, minimum. If he's got a full set of teeth. Or perhaps Chirpy can do some voodoo in the dressing room, muster up some dark forces, momentarily paralyse the United defence every time Bale has the ball. Which Bale would welcome considering how slow moving he's been so far this season. That bloke is a full on nutter, don't ever mistake his cuddles and handshakes for anything more than an act. He's rotten to the core. Involved in all sorts. That's Chirpy, not Bale. You think Gareth got his ears pinned back? Nah mate, Chirpy + superglue. His idea of banter. Email me if you want to see photos of our Cockerel mascot, two handcuffed dwarves, a loukaniko and Lindsey Lohan. I'm telling you, he's messed up.

So onwards. With or without Lady Luck. Time we made our own luck. Time we forged our own destiny with our own hands. Time we got a grip. It's Manchester United. It's not a shadow of a colossus. It's not five years ago and it's not ten years ago. Let's hope for something, anything. We are up against it, only if we think we are. You're only up against it if you think that's your role, your place in life. If there's doubt, we lose. It's that simple. Step up, move up and believe you're more than just a plucky underdog that always accepts a patronising pat on the back. I want beasts not men. I want arrogance. I want character, not the fictional kind. Fire in the belly not fluttering butterflies.

Step up Tottenham. Spirit of the Spartans. Unleash hell! No, that's not it, doesn't sound right.

Unleash purgatory!

Ah, that's better.

We're gonna get dicked. Come on you Spurs.

Luka and ITK mathematics

Luka Modric to Manchester United for £25M. That makes sense. It makes sense we were rejecting £40M bids from Chelsea last summer and would now take a hefty price cut on the valuation of the player so that we could make a divisional competitor even stronger on the cheap.

Does the player still want out? Probably. There's no denying it's about the wages more than anything, far more than Champions League itself (much like Redknapp alluded too the other day). Even if we finished 4th and got into Europe's elite competition, the player (and agent) would still look to orchestrate another attempted move. Why?

125k per week
Several million pounds for the agent via fee

That's two reasons.

Levy made his stand and his point last summer with the player and Chelsea/Dail Mail's attempts to sign him, retaining his services for the 2012 season. It's not rocket science to think he will appear to do the exact same thing this summer, but with one small detail of difference. If we do receive a bid that meets the players valuation, then we'll let him go. That's OUR valuation and not the Manchester United supporting tabloid journalist's valuation when attempting to broker the deal via back page hype, without source or quotes.

I'm not even sure what my point is now. Shouldn't really be expecting anything different from the 'news feeds', especially this time of year. What's wonderful about this particular Luka story is the matter of fact title 'Luka Modric to join Man Utd' and this gem of knowledge planted in the middle of the 'article':

The Croatian said he had no intention of quitting Spurs having signed a six-year deal in May 2010.

Had no intention? Back in 2010? What about last summer dickhead? Surely if you're going to make stuff up there's a time and place for it and stating the truth would actually fit in better with the agenda, on this particular occasion.

I can't see our chairman bending over for them, not with their past form (Carrick, Berbatov) and with the no-way stance of last summer. Okay, so we always bend over for them, but there's been so much control with our 'we won't be selling our best players' mantra over the past two seasons that...who am I kidding? Words are just words. Levy knows how to drag it out. Whatever happens will be because he wants it to happen and its conclusion will satisfy everyone.

So if they want our prize commodity (which will mean we have to change the way we play-make and shape up in midfield) then they need to compensate us for the detrimental impact it will have on us and the bitter reality that they will become stronger off the back of it.

I guess my point, the crux of it, is that these tabloid stories are always about appeasing the club attempting/chasing the signing rather than perhaps seeing a headline that states:

"Spurs tell Utd: £40M or forget about it"

Elsewhere?

I've layed off from ITK bashing for a while now as there is hardly any difference between them and the tabloids. I don't for a second think there are no people with connections (some strong, some tenuous) that might be privy to information. That never means said information can be trusted as there is only one certainty in football and that is the lies and game-playing agents/football clubs/players swim around in to get what they want. If you have info, share it if you wish to share it. Do so with transparency if you can (or not to protect yourself or the source). Sadly with Spurs we appear to have around 40 or so people that claim to have inside knowledge of what is going on and they all seem to hang around online, cryptically teasing us with non-events of tittle tattle in closed off membership forums.

Possibly the best thing I've seen that sums it all up is an ITK answering questions relating to whether we are interested in signing anyone to replace Luka if/when Luka is sold. His response:

Replacement(s)

Yes. We might have a replacement or more than one replacement lined up. But can't tell you anything more than that because I'd be giving it all away so I'll add an 's' in brackets to the back end of the word 'replacement' to leave it all ambiguous and mysterious, like I know something that you don't but I'll remain non-committal about it.

Do one.

Nobody is interested in whether you know something you can't share. If you can't share it don't go telling us you can't share it. It has no relevance in the public domain. You're better off making something up, which is what most people do 99% of the time.

I'm on my period, deal with it.

I miss the days of Teletext and Monday mornings at school where everyone would discuss the weekends football. I remember following Gascoigne's transfer to Spurs via the very same maligned tabloid back pages. You knew the player signed when the player actually signed. I miss those innocent days of the late 80s. That and skipping past white dog poo in the street.

Tottenham need to be united

Just because we've had a consistent season where you can count the amount of disappointing performances on one had and spent the bulk of it in the top four (third) doesn't mean we can all take it for granted that the games left will follow a similar pattern. An odd blip here or there but nothing to derail us. I shared some stats earlier in the week, more theoretical than stone cold mathematical that suggested we've got little too worry about. I ignored the variables. Have we got a little too carried away? Add the variables into the equation and you might end up pulling out your hair and making paper aeroplanes out of the note paper as you give up scribbling the countless connotations of what might play out based on what might happen elsewhere.

I still refuse to look elsewhere and worry about it. We all know everyone vying to be in the top four will hit purple patches and muscle their way closer inwards. We can only attempt to guide our own destiny and possibly dent one or two others in the process between now and the end of the season. Even if it means mudding it with dirty hands. It's time to get back to basics, get gritty and re-ignite the fire in our belly. I don't just want to hear a battle cry, I want it to bleed out my ears.

One good result doesn't define a season. So one bad one should not do the same. Shame on us if it's a catalyst for a free-fall. As much as Ferguson has a point about Harry and the effect of the England job unsettling the team, that's most part textbook kidology in the build up to Sunday's game. The players owe it to us and themselves to display the desire and hunger that got us into the position in the first place. That position I'm talking about is the position of challenging at the top of the Prem and forging that winners mentality. 3rd place is a consequence of the work ethic we've stuck in.

Okay, so we still have issues with taking points against the very top sides. Historically, we've struggled. But this has been a season where everyone has landed a knock-out punch on each other. A season of contenders, with no apparent champion elect (bored of The Project).

Having to face Manchester United in our next game is the fixture lists way of laughing at us. But it will ease up soon enough and it's important we stay true to what we've built up this season in terms of momentum. Not get side tracked by outside interference and not allow the glamour of the FA Cup to blind us as we stand perilously unbalanced on this ladder that's being shaken from below. I said it will ease up. Shame on you if you believe that to be the case. Every single game should be seen as do or die. Spirit of 2010. Not the gut wrenching collapse of 2006.

Wayne Rooney has recovered from a throat infection. I'm more focused on making sure we're the ones that don't choke. Hopefully someone has redrafted the over-used script that gets acted out time and time again when we clash with United. Could do with a new twist in amongst the expected drama with confidence and bullish determination in the leading roles. Preferable Lilywhite than Mancunian red.

Get on it Spurs. Get at them. Play with width and play with style. No unnecessary tweaking or undisciplined selections. Team unity over individualism. This won't be easy. We all know Ferguson's men can always dig out a result when they need one. The pressure is on them, equally compared to the pressure on us. They are chasing their noisy neighbours who appear to be quietly edging towards the title. We have to shift on from the anomaly of last weekend and rebuild the foundation for further momentum.

Play out of your skin Spurs. Sing your hearts out in the stands. Tottenham need to be united.

Tottenham need to beat United.

A view from the enemy: Stretty talks Manchester Utd, Berbatov and Spurs

Spurs, United, the Lane, this Sunday. Redemption, revenge...surely it's time for this long running hoodoo to end? I slept with the enemy (figuratively speaking), Stretty from Stretty News, to find out a bit more about that other club in Manchester. The quiet one.

Spooky: There's a suggestion that Utd are in some way going through a transition currently (although quite how a team can sit in second place and challenge for the title and be considered a transition...) would you agree that the side is being fuelled more on belief, experience and seasoned tenacity rather than devastating quality? What has to happen next season to be able to compete and brush aside the likes of City (and their money) and keep ahead of new challengers to the top tier (the likes of Spurs)?

Stretty:

Good question. Wayne Rooney came out during the week and said Ferguson plays a key influence in our title run-in. I think that answers your question about being fuelled on belief. However, complacency has been our biggest enemy but I’m not saying that we don’t have quality. At the start of the season we had everybody fit and played some breathtaking football, therefore, if it wasn’t for all those injuries we’d be running away with our title.

We go about it the same way next season if we aren’t hit with the same injuries. Although, a creative midfielder and maybe a new left back would spice things up a little.

Spooky: How much do you fear 'The Project' over at Eastlands then? Are Utd fans dismissive of the manner of how City have gone about their business, throwing money at anything that lusts after it? Or does it grate because they will now be challenging for the title season in, season out? Will it go stale like it has at Chelsea?

Stretty:

I miss the days when the league was full of football clubs and not ‘projects’. But to answer your question I’ll be honest in saying I’m not that bothered about City getting giddy over their big wallets. Chelsea are a clear example of how the transformation isn’t something permanent, so it’s possible that City will come and go like a one night stand (slightly longer, mind).

Spooky: Fergie is always very pleasant towards Spurs. It can sometimes appear to be a mixture of patronising and perhaps kidology, but I tend to believe he has a soft spot for us (much like our defence has a soft spot for you). There seems to be mutual respect. Once upon a time you had mutual hatred for our 'local' neighbours up the road. Equally so with the likes of Chelsea. Is the focus now completely on City?

Stretty:

If you’re talking about rivalry the answer is no. I cannot describe how much I hate Liverpool which means I still look forward to beating them, despite their decline in the last 20 odd years. Arsenal aren’t much of a threat either but we seriously miss the days when Roy Keane made bits of Patrick Vieira. As for Chelsea, we owe them some credit since their captain gifted us the Champions League back in 2008. *Whoopsy daisy*

Spooky: Who takes over from Fergie? Would you agree that this will be the defining moment for the club in terms of retaining its grip on the Prem? After so many years of sustained dominance are Utd fans prepared to perhaps share silverware as we leave the Sky Sports era of the Top Four behind, nothing more than a distant memory?

Stretty:

Well, it’s going to be the biggest job in football and with the debt circulating over our heads it needs to be somebody with confidence to burn & a successful past. Who comes to mind, then? As much as I hate to say it, I’d put my money on it being Jose Mourinho. The smug git has been waiting for a big English club for some time now.

Spooky: You need to sign players in the summer. Who would you sign (steal) from Tottenham? Not that Levy would allow it to happen.

Stretty:

Not that Levy would allow it to happen? You seem to be forgetting about how Daniel changed his mind over Michael Carrick and Dimitar Berbatov*, leaving them sign for a more successful club. However, Luka Modric is the answer to your question. Simple as.

*Utd attempted to inquire and push for a transfer re: Luka last summer, before Chelsea bid - IMO, Levy wont play ball with Utd again because of the Berbatov saga.

Spooky: Who would you consider to be genuine targets (England or European based players)? Do you actually have a war chest primed for the next transfer window?

Stretty:

Difficult to know who Fergie is actually looking to sign. I'm sure he has a few in mind, he always does, but it depends on how they plan out. I'd personally like to see a creative midfield, left back and centre forward if Owen, Berbatov or Macheda depart.

Spooky: Talking of transfers. Berbatov. From a Spurs perspective, ignoring stats and his swagger when he plays well, he looks like an afterthought at Utd. Stuck on the bench, wasted. Almost a cult figure in some ways rather than a fully fledged first teamer. What went wrong? Has it gone  wrong? Or is this a consequence of him playing at a 'bigger' club? Is the sulky one a success or failure?

Stretty:

From reading my tweets you have probably guessed I’m a big admirer of Berbatov. Everything he does looks effortless. He shows respect to the club all the time, despite being dropped last May for the Champions League final.

However, I reckon the FA Cup semi-final against City last year damaged his relationship with Ferguson, missing those two unbelievable opportunities in front of goal. And it’s a pity because he was our top goalscorer last season but I’d honestly prefer to see him at another club enjoying his football instead of sitting on the bench with us. He deserves more respect.

The classy bastard will never live up to the £30m price-tag but we still shared wonderful times together, especially the hat-trick against Liverpool. By no means was he a failure, so in my notebook, he’s down as a success.

Spooky: Spurs. You lot must really like us. We play great football and we always bend over for you at Old Trafford. At the Lane, we tend to compete and on occasions almost beat you (I was behind the goal when Tevez equalised a few seasons back, gut wrenching stuff...for us). Are you perhaps less confident for this game than previous ones? What do you make of us this season?

Stretty:

Agreed. Spurs have played the best football in the league this season but we usually get the better of you home and away. While you’re brilliant at going forward Spurs leave far too many gaps in defence, so mind if we take advantage of that?

Spooky: No. Please no. Moving on. How do you think you'll line-up and approach the game?

Stretty:

The team sheet, I expect, will be predictable if Rooney manages to gain fitness in time. Scholes and Carrick have formed an outstanding combination in recent weeks and without Parker in your team, we could run wild in midfield. The only worry I have is what damage could be done to Evra. In previous games Lennon of all wingers turned him inside out and that could cost us goals if you can get past Super Dave.

Spooky: Prediction? Like I don't know you're going to say 'away win'.

Stretty:

Away win. 1-0 

Spooky: Thanks Stretty. Let war commence.

I returned the favour answering some questions on Stretty's website. Click here for 'A view from the enemy: Spurs fan on Redknapp, Modric and challenging for the title'.

Modern football. It's not that great. Discuss.

It's all very cheery this. An email conversation between myself and a Manchester United fan. Make sure there are no razor blades in reaching distance. Bitterness, it consumes as all. Damn you green-eyed monster, stop feasting on my rotting flesh!

Utd fan: thanks to your boys for doing the usual put up a fight until we score then roll over routine that you’ve near perfected at OT!!

You NEED a striker!

spooky: Limp performance wasn't it. Adebayor to be announced soon.

Utd fan: Happy with Adebayor? He represents pretty much everything I hate about football, well, he did when he went to City. Guess he realises it’s not just about money, it’s actually good to play once in a while!

spooky: Will do as a loan deal, imo. He'll want to impress to bag yet another move next season. So it might benefit us - because we simply have to finish top 4 (well, that would be the clubs ambition in terms of keeping players etc).

City repulse me.

Utd fan: Indeed. I know that squad depth is important these days but the situation at City realistically is that the English players, that once showed so much promise, are going to disappear. Johnson (both of them, though the other is farmed out on load now at least), Barry, Milner, SWP. They will be the ones to fall down the pecking order, obviously not the new signings. Not that I actually rate any of them, except maybe A Johnson, but these are all players who have worn the England shirt and probably won’t wear it for that much longer.

They will win this year, or next at the latest and then what? Buy more players? At least Abramovich saw some sense and realised that spunking money isn’t actually that fun, especially when your team still can’t win the CL and play boring unattractive possession football. Worrying thing is that City’s Sheiks are way way way more rich then Abramovich and only the Financial Fair Play rules can slow them down (note, not stop them!).

I’m expecting a City dominated league for the next few years to be honest, maybe even a decade of dominance. I’m somewhat apathetic to the whole situation though. I should be fearing it, but it’s the way football is going. Rich owners have bought Malaga and PSG this year too. More will follow next year and even more the year after. Players will get even less loyal, TV deals will get even more lucrative so that players wages can keep going up despite the Financial Fair Play rules – which are too little too late in my opinion. At the same time we have a crooked, corrupt, clueless, out of touch maniac at the head of football who is obviously against technology in football as he can probably only just manage a text message on his mobile phone!

I’ve said for a while that football is heading in to a black hole, bursting at the seams and will implode soon. I just hope the splatters of real football left are enough to regain something meaningful!

spooky: Regarding what you cited about English/British players - completely agree, they will be marginalised and they will equally cost a bomb to sign. I personally don't get how City fans can (with a straight face) be proud of any progress or achievements.

Players are signing for them for the money and because of the quality of players being signed, the advantage is - they will win silverware. It's win win for them. Take the money away and there is no 'project'. There's no genuine build up to success.

Look at Utd as the perfect example of how it should work.

Chelsea were just as bad. They had build up, mind. They were progressing, but to make that final step they bought in Jose and spent untold millions.

Utd fan: I’ve said it before that you’re one of only a few people I can have a ‘real’ discussion about football with. My United mates are too biased and too success driven to see the bigger picture and my City mates, well, they are mostly exactly as you say, not at all shamed by the way in which they are going to end up winning – beat United at all costs seems to be their only mantra. I do understand to it to a degree, but that empty, slightly hollow feeling that they’ll have when they see <insert captain> lift the Prem trophy can never be filled be their ruthless approach to winning at any cost.

The Ageuro signing almost went by unnoticed – can you imagine that being the case 3, even 2 years ago? We’ve already come to expect it as normal, which is almost as scary as them winning the title!

We are a good example but I’m not going to deny that we had a helping hand (float on the stock exchange, aggressive business marketing thus sucking the soul out of the club, and we were one of the forerunners of corporate hospitality – all things I despise about football). Though whilst we did break a few transfer records along the way (something my City fans love to point out) we maintained a rigid wage structure with a sensible ceiling. This actually prevented us from signing lots of players through the years (if rumours are to be believed anyway, it’s the reason why Kluivert and Batistuta didn’t sign). City don’t have that in place. Their wage bill is bigger then most smaller countries GDP I reckon!

It’s only 2 games old (1 in your case) and already I am starting to feel sorry for Arsenal (urgh!!) and have handed City the title in my head (double urgh!).

If you can keep Modric and sort his head out and get in Adebayor and Diarra (obvious a replacement for the disappointing Palacios) I reckon you can easily squeeze Arsenal out of that 4th spot and you might be able to challenge Chelsea. I saw enough in your performance at OT to warrant that. You played some lovely pass and move football and found lots of space (though our defence is probably the youngest you’ll ever face!) but just lacked that cutting edge. Think RvdV needs a certain type of player to play off. Not sure that player is necessarily Adebayor, but he is certainly better then Crouch or Defoe, and Pavlyuchenko is way too inconsistent.

Your defence looked unbeatable for the most part at OT, some great interceptions/interventions particularly in the first half! On a side note, are Fulham now your second team?

spooky: I'm actually doing my best to detach myself from the entire mess and just fall back in love, without complications, with football at its purest level. Just supporting Spurs, loving the shirt, loving the players that want to pull on the shirt. Singing, getting drunk and applauding and joyfully celebrating moments of vibrant brilliance. And any success that is attached to that, I obviously welcome as another slice of history to be placed proudly in amongst our rich tapestry of tradition.

The reality is, I still find myself thinking that Top 4 is essential because otherwise we might find ourselves stuck in this perpetual game of catch-up, selling players who want to move to CL teams, buying new ones, then going through the same thing again. We spent so long dreaming of competition for top four and the CL that now we've achieved it, going a step back would be gut wrenching. Such is the way modern football works, CL is has devalued cup wins. Even though, if we are all brutally honest, winning a trophy (domestically) in terms of a cup might not be the same as it was in the 80s and before but it still retains a certain undeniable quality. You can't ever take a way a Wembley win. Its there, black and white, in history and its silverware. Even if its not respected as it once was. Finishing 4th is hardly what dreams are made of.

But finishing 4th consistently is the only way to ever become equipped for a title push.

Wish things were far more simple. Don't think football will implode either. Not yet. Only way is for the likes of Spurs and even Arsenal to push out the likes of City and Chelsea.

Its a little like asking Norman Wisdom to inform Godzilla he can't be knocking down any buildings.

Utd fan: I promised myself I would do that last season but the babies really put a stop to it but I’m going to try again this season I reckon.

You are right, there is still much to enjoy, much to love about football and this implosion won’t happen for a while (too many people making too much money at the moment). I intend to get to more pubs to watch matches this season and the occasional outing to OT when the chance arises!

spooky: Onwards.

Spurs lose to United at Old Trafford again

Match previews for games at Old Trafford are all pretty much based on the same template no matter the season. We sort of know we're going to lose so we dress up the pre-match war cry to cite how 'it's all about the performance' and that it's important to show a good account of ourselves by fighting with ample tenacity and display desire and other such emotive footballing clichés.

Arguably, losing to Manchester United is hardly something that will leave us tainted with disgrace across our faces. They've been known to win silverware, domestically and in Europe. They have instilled in them a belief system that is pretty much second to none. In other words, they know how to play and they know how to respond positively if they're on the ropes.

My point is, its pretty much okay to cite 'it's all about the performance'. If we go up there on Monday and play stupendously well in a ding-dong game and lose because of a moment of brilliance or the simple fact they deserved it that little bit more - it's not RIP or end of days. Take it on the chin, move on.

But there's more to it than just that. Hence the same recurring template no matter the season.

There is a deep rooted psychological issue at play. We capitulate. We choke. Sure, the great footballing script writer in the sky complicates matters by adding that seasoned ingredient of controversy, usually in the colours of the referee and his assistants. It's a supporting role, sometimes starring...but we still remain accountable for allowing our heads to drop and for the inevitable to consume us. We accept it on the pitch and then post-match we spit blood in protest.

We've done alright at the Lane against United. We just black out up north.

So, to make it as simplistic as possible, we need to play for the shirt and look to win the game. Take it to them. Don't think we need to over complicate matters tactically to combat their team. I don't mean that disrespectfully. United, regardless of their current transition, still won the title off the back of sheer guts and determination. And skill and luck. All glued together by that classic emotive cliché 'belief'. Obviously, that part about skill along with additional qualities like focus and tempo and punishing clinicality are equally essential. As are the top drawer players. Belief is hardly enough if you don't match your opponents on the field of play, pound for pound.

And we can do so. We've hardly got a shabby outfit. Perhaps not strong in certain areas but perhaps as strong in others.

We have a bloody good squad of players. Quality through the spine of the side and we'll improve further once we announce Adebayor and Diarra (and hopefully another player). There is no need for fear or even a sheepish look back in anger to the past painful defeats.

Look forward. Take the game to them. Play football, play it the Spurs way. And for the love of all things Lilywhite, remove the potential for any controversy to shape the games life-span by embracing destiny, in fact no, forget the embrace, just kidnap the dizzy cow, tie her up and throw her into the boot of the car. Take control, unequivocally and without remorse. Want it and want to win otherwise what's the point? We have the players to compete. We need that belief to glue it altogether.

No apologetic looks up to the sky or shrugs at the man with the whistle. No implosions or mistakes. No longer be the victim. Commit the crime. Be ruthless b*stards. I guess the question that needs answering is - do we have it in us (that combination of belief and quality of players) to see it through.

Speaking of the apologetics, worth noting that I'm not suggesting that its our fault Howard Webb is so horrifically inconsistent with decision making or the linesman who was looking down instead of across and missed the Mendes goal. Just that none of it will matter if we're simply better than them on the day and it pays off with goals. Like I said, remove the potential for it to be used as an excuse.

It's a big ask. It always is. But it's hardly impossible. I know that. Let's hope the players are just as aware. We've broken so many hoodoos in recent seasons. This is one that remains with much frustration and mockery.

This preview actually fits perfectly into the aforementioned seasoned template for this encounter. Let's hope the usual outcome doesn't knowingly nod it's appreciation.

-

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WANTED: One top class striker. Requirements: ruthless eye for goal, sublime first touch, clever movement and a bit of a swagger

Tottenham 0 Manchester United 0

If Manchester United were toothless, Spurs were limp. Neither side had cutting edge. Both sides defended resolutely. And yet there is no disguising the disappointment that we didn't carve out more clear cut chances. Ball seemed to get stuck under feet once or twice. When a quality ball was crossed in, there was no quality at the end of it to finish it off.

Perfect illustration that we can go up against the teams that are meant to be on another level to us, compete and feel regretful for not quite grasping the initiative and punishing them.

Sure, we're not title contenders. Mainly because we lack that extra punch in the side that probably would have seen us take more points than we did against Man City (D), Chelsea (D) and now Man Utd (another D). The concern is that other sides might have that punch aplenty, either from seasoned experience of from splashing out £27M for the privilege.

We need to turn these almosts and if onlys into three points at home and dig deep away. Regardless, let's face it, even if Man Utd are hardly the beast of old they are one that has to be respected and very much admired for their spirit and their annoying doggedness. They battled and they could have nicked it, at least their fans would argue they had players with the potential to do so. But much like us, the game (end to end as it was) lacked that final third slick pass and movement to get past the bricks in defence.

Rooney and Berbatov hardly had me biting my nails. Apart from perhaps two efforts on goal by 'Wazza', but hardly heart-stopping. But alas, unbeaten they remain. The red card (not that it's helped in the past) was hardly fruitful in terms of possession in our favour. As we didn't quite make it count down the flanks and through the middle. A day for defenders indeed. Still think we're going to finish top four, got the players for it just need that ruthlessness in the key forward area. So yeah, top four ‘if’ we get that ruthlessness in the key forward area.

Crouch, no doubt, is going to be much maligned in post-match discussion, I'm certain of it. Nothing to suggest we would not have discussed the same 0-0 result had Pav started or even Defoe.

The Russian probably would have given us little movement or bad first touch (depends what variant of Roman would have turned up, but can't have seen him troubling Rio and Vidic much). Defoe also might have found himself lacking the cunning to get behind the Utd centre backs. Although, arguably, both Pav and Defoe could lay claim to having better shooting boots than Crouch.

Just that Peter can hold the ball up and head it down and...you know, stuff, for a big man. Crouch 'should' have scored from that delicious Hutton cross. In another parallel dimension. Not to single out Crouch, so I won’t, also worth noting vdV was not quite crisp with his efforts either.

And let's be honest, regardless of the forward(s), it would have taken something special to unlock the United defence on the form they were on. Trend developing here, with the reoccurring references re: defenders.

Don't think too much was wrong with our performance and our intent. Modric was supreme again. World class? Yeah, go on then. Stick that on the back of his shirt. He makes us tick, he conducts and dictates. Fergie licking his lips on the touchline.

Palacios played well in parts, but also doing his best at times to remind us of his erratic composure when attempting to pass, but he was effective with defensive duties. Not so bright in offensive positions. And please someone have a word with him regarding shots on goal. Jenas the alternative. Pienaar the alleged transfer target (Chelsea to nick him). Huddlestone, no doubt, the preferred choice of partner for Modric. Having him back in the side might actually feel like a new signing. You felt for all the majesty of Modric, with vdV not quite claiming a stranglehold on the game like he usual does, Hudd's pinged balls into and around the box are missed in games such as this where chances are not quite crafted with ease not for lack of invention – just needed a different type of question to be asked when moving towards the United goal.

Moving away from their defenders to ours...

Hutton and BAE worked tirelessly. And Dawson is beginning to be a tad talismanic at the back. What's that now, one goal conceded in our last five games? And that other bloke at the back, whathisface, the old bloke. Quietly quietly, he's proving one or two of us wrong with his composure and experience . What with Ledley stuck on the sidelines.

Other minor talking points?

Our set pieces remain utterly pants. Last decent free kick was taken back in 1991. More conversations required on the training pitch with D-Beck please.

The red card? Well it was hardly a Mendes or Nani or Webb incident. And petulant as Raphael was/is (the second ‘foul’ was probably meant rather than being accidently) he probably should have got away with just the one yellow. The first tackle, clumsy.

Conclusion?

In the end, not enough, when enough was not that improbable but neither likely. United, needing the point more than risking the requirement of all three. They contained us. I guess we should take that as a compliment?

In a season where nobody is head and shoulders above the team just behind them. In a season where Chelsea are showing signs of mortality and weakness, City spending more to consolidate and improve, Arsenal ruthless against the lesser teams and Man Utd, not playing with swagger but not getting beat either. It’s a soap opera with many unmissable story arcs and sub plots. We are stronger but with the ‘top four’ becoming ‘five’, so is the top end of the league which means we need to evolve further, and quickly. Twists and turns guaranteed, no doubt, before the finale.

Onwards.

Five of our next six games in all competitions are away. Backs to wall, wouldn't have it any other way. Well, other than being ten points clear of 4th spot looking down at it.

COYS.

How to defeat your enemies and be successful at table football

A few years back there was this bloke, an acquaintance rather than a friend. He was the sort of person who grated on you because he took much pride (of the gloating variety) in shouting from the rooftops about his personal success. Sort of person who would take great pleasure in the misfortune of others and hardly cared much if something he did happened to leave you feeling a little downbeat. Dog eat dog world, right? Why should he care about me, you or anyone else?

Why should he indeed.

The way he would patronise and condescend was gut wrenching. Happens in the work place. There's always one. Spring in his step, swagger in his stride. Full of himself.

You're sort of green-eyed, not in a depressive self-deprecating 'why can't that not be me' way. Because it's not his fault if you don't have the skills, inclination or ambition to achieve at his level. Not that you didn't have the potential. It was just never fulfilled. But his presence begs the self-doubting questions you'd prefer not to have sparking in the brain. 'Why can't that not be me'. Okay, so yeah, self-deprecating.

He was supreme in his application in the office and he was also stupendously good at table football. Whether it's controlled passing of the ball, knocking it between the footie players on the table before smashing it in or generally just smashing it in from one end to the opposite side, opponent after opponent was obliterated out of sight.

And yes, before you ask, his girlfriend was fit. Not just fit, with her slinky frame and world class chest, but also intelligent. Street smart. Trendy. Considering everything else about him, you lingered desperately to the hope that if his other half was not that great to talk to or look at then it wouldn’t matter too much about everything else because you'd be comforted by the fact he was going out with a melting pot of ming and stupid. But that was not the case. Far from it.

Like a Greek tragedy with relentless plate smashing, his girlfriend was lovely. Gorgeous. You know how usually if you (a bloke or woman) sees someone who's attractive, you flirt with the fantasy of sleeping with them. Go on, you know you do. God made us weak. Well his girlfriend was of the ilk that had you thinking of marriage and growing old with her by your side. And plenty of bedroom action too, before the old bit. Okay and after the old bit.

Her smile, her mannerisms. Her sense of humour and razor sharp wit. You would tremble at the knees with each flick of hair. Had to be something amiss with her, couldn't be completely unequivocally perfect. But she appeared so. And you hated the git she was dating even more because of it. Which ruined it all and made you question the cruelty of life and why it choose to make you feel like crap, constantly with the mocking. Mocking with a cherry on top.

All the pain would however aid with inspiration in attempting to better him at least the once for all the emotional upheaval he caused by just being there. In your life. At work. Christ, you'd try to best him you really would. In conference calls, meetings, projects and then at the fabled table football. But he was just, well just too good. Too focused. Too comfortable at something you had to work ridiculously hard at just to be decent whilst he was very good without breaking sweat.

You'd huff and puff and he'd just pick you off, every time. Plucky you would be. Plucky until you'd choke and capitulate whilst he scoffed and shrugged nonchalantly, as though he knew he'd win again no matter what. And you sort of knew you'd lose anyway. His entourage of hangers on, people who wanted to be associated with his success would fluff and kiss his ego. They would be particularly annoying during bouts of table football, siding with him whilst you protested that he span the handles too quickly, turning all the footie players in the row around, full circle before shooting.

"Nah mate, never happened"

He'd score whilst you complained. And you'd lose. Again.

I'd lose again.

It was tiresome. Hard enough trying to get one over on him without others fighting his corner. Ganging up on me you'd tell yourself. All very apologetic, always an excuse at hand to explain why you've failed to again. Easy way to avoid confronting the real reasons behind defeat. This guy irked me. And I was so drilled with my hatred for him it was far more of a distraction than a tangible strategy. The inspiration and the belief was misplaced every single time, with a reflex 'here we go again' when he showed you up in front of others.

That's until one day I decided to be shrewd with my approach. Getting one over someone doesn't have to be just about the winning, it should always be tinged with a touch of glory. Because people tend to be far more interested in how you beat someone, the manner in which you've gone about it rather than the end result. Because a result has no story. It's just a fact, a stat. But that's still no reason not to embrace the philosophy that a win is a win is a win. Don't just turn up an play to the best of your abilities. Play to your best with their weakness in mind and take advantage, without remorse or thought of failure.

Do to him what he does to you.

An opportunity came up. I took a massive risk. And the plan rolled into motion. The essence of it based on the simplistic template that if it worked, he'd be weaker for it and that psychological barrier would crumble a touch meaning next time round, he would hardly be the immovable object of disdain that had driven most of us in the office insane, specifically me.

I knew I had it in me. Much like he went about his business, I simply focused and retained complete faith from start to finish. Not a second wasted on complacency.

All that was left was to revel in the finale, that moment where victory would be embraced.

On that fateful day I was eight - nil down on the table football, whilst he showboated (danced whilst he played), I appeared disinterested quite on purpose. Just me and him on a Friday afternoon in the chill out area of the office. The only sounds coming from his mouth as he chewed and snapped gum and twisting of the handles of the table, smacking the ball hard. I then spoke.

"So...", I said.

"Nine - nil", he replied.

I shrugged then walked away from the table and into the small stationary room out of sight of the rest of the office. He followed me there, with bursts of confused fake laughter, not quite sure why I had just randomly trotted off.

"What are you doing? You can’t walk away from the game. You'll forfeit".

I placed my finger to my mouth and politely asked him to hush the **** up. I then spoke.

"I've been shagging your missus. Birthmark on her thigh. Completely shaven apart from a strip of hair. Loves her high pitched screams. Don't fret mind, our little secret. Talking of little..."

I then smiled, pointed at him and winked.

Okay, so he kneed me hard between the legs and with gritted teeth grabbed me by my neck and explicitly stated he would kill me. It took a good ten minutes to get myself up from the floor after he walked back to his desk. I had to tell people I had stomach cramp and proceeded to spend a good thirty minutes in the disabled toilets attempting to recover, dipping my balls into a basin of cold water. Dodgy Indian the night before I told everyone when I reappeared.

I slept with his missus having found out from her that she hadn't slept with him for almost ten months. Some relationship. Apparently they were not as strong as they once were. All that bravado in the office, all that brash alpha male b*lls**t. All a sham. And between himself and myself, exposed.

Obviously I forfeited and lost the table football. Shame that. But you've got to take some punches (kicks) for the team and still come out of it standing tall (with slight awkwardness in the midsection). But after that day he wasn't quite as boisterous and in my face as he was prior to my revelation. Sure, he was still successful at what he did at work and still swaggered around the office. But he knew I knew that I could, on my day, get one over him and had one over him, which shifted power a little towards me. I knew that he knew that I knew I had found him out. Finally found him out.

When we went head to head on anything, he was never guaranteed to come out on top like before.

When I played table football I made sure he couldn't refuse by making a point of challenging him in front of others. He displayed traits of mortality in the game he once dominated. Mainly because of my in-game ambiguous banter that had him a touch nervous I would spill the beans to everyone crowded around the table that I had relations with this other half.

His concentration was off-key because he was more than aware it was no longer an easy brisk walk in the park for him. It hardly mattered he span the handles a few times during the game or had his 'mates' distract me whilst I attempted to defend. I didn't bother with the protests because I would make sure I won. His mates can hardly do anything if I'm wiping the floor with him where it mattered. On the table. Didn't always win of course. But won enough games to keep me content and keep him irate. His arrogance no longer grating. A victory for him no longer a forgone conclusion. Suddenly, everything about him that made him such a bane was inconsequential. I had the beating of him.

All thanks to his girlfriend and her needs. They had a wobble, a prolonged wobble, I was a b*stard, I made a move. Just the once. They didn't break up. He knew she cheated on him but didn’t have a clue who with. And I assume they sorted out their issues because they were still together up until I left the company. And he was hardly going to do anything more than knee me because God forbid people found out what I did. And killing me would have been detrimental to his lifestyle. He disliked porridge.

So in order to secure one or two wins on the table and restore some personal equilibrium in the office I did something that was both beautiful and ugly. Something not that becoming of a true gent. Arguably over the top and cruel. Just so I could have one victory. Because I wanted too. Because things just had to change. Pretty much the type of thing he did week in week out to me and other people. Screw people. Getting kneed was acceptable collateral damage.

The moral is simply this; if you want to come out smiling get balls deep.

68 games and counting...

Utd 2 Spurs 0

I wont be mentioning that goal.

In the grand scheme of things, another loss at Old Trafford probably doesn't change anything. In fact, from a psychological perspective, it probably didn't even hurt our players - who displayed more oomph in complaining at the death of the game than across the whole limp ninety minutes.

It was a performance that lacked spark, ideas and cutting edge in the final third. There just wasn't enough there to carve out enough chances to stake a claim on the three points.

Far too many under-whelming Lilywhites, under-par and from the looks of it under the big bruising thumb of United. Again.

The Manc side were not exceptional in any great way. Efficient. And focused. But not beyond the realms of defeat. They could have been got at if we had some of that long lost intensity and desire. But I guess if you can't pluck up the courage, you're still a level away looking up at them rather than fighting to compete.

Ignoring certain old skool inclusions in the side and missing players - we still had enough about us to give it decent go. We saw evidence of growth and evolution last season - even with injuries and tinkering. What I don't like is this almost defeatist attitude in the manner of our play, as if this game did not warrant that extra lung-busting will to better the opposition.

If the gaffer drills it into the player in the week leading up - this game is a must win game - then we'd have had a right go at them. I don't believe this is as good as we can get when facing a not that scary United side.

Dare I mention Tuesday and Inter. It looked like their minds were on this game and not on the one playing out at OT.

We played some good football, there was some decent movement, but nothing that made me believe we would score or win. Their first goal was thanks to some non-existent defending. Kaboul poor for giving away the free-kick and then losing his marker. He's not a centre-back.

At half-time you'd still have believed something might give, if we stepped up the pace. But we kept stalling the car. Failing to turn the keys, but then why bother turning them when the tank is empty? Long walk home it is then.

Tottenham, I'm afraid, simply did not want it as much as they could have wanted it, considering that a win would have meant far more than a win on Tuesday (because the game on Tuesday is not a decider, the ones against the Dutch and German clubs are).

Beating United at OT would have been far more significant.

Still, perhaps the selection wasn't the best for the occasion.

Keane, wasn't that great, but then did okay for someone playing in a position which was slightly isolated and as he didn't come deep too often to collect the ball, his performance looked worse than it did. But still, you have to accept his time is over. He just hasn't got the mojo.

Jenas played the ball forward once or twice, which for him is rare positivity. But he's not strong enough in mind and spirit to make us stronger. Our midfield was brushed past too often.

Both are not first-team players and it showed why.

As for the rest? Some mentions:

Hutton is detrimental to Lennon. The more the Scotsman got forward the less Lennon impacted the game. Azza did have a good first 45 until Hutton decided to take over the offensive duties.

Modric faded a little in the second half, but although he was busy dinking around the pitch, it's still far from vintage.

vdV was superb in the first half not so superb in the second and I'm hoping the hamstring injury was exaggerated a little, only in the sense that now we've lost, he can be fit for Inter. Cracking effort off the woodwork.

Did Bale get his beach holiday or not? Very quiet evening for him.

I find myself slapping my face with this one, but Roman improved us when he was subbed on.

As much as I do agree a new forward and another midfielder/defender might elevate us further, there has to be a change, another evolution, in terms of priority and focus with these games.

It felt far too ominous for me early on. It's tiresome now Spurs. Let's stop playing for DVD's in Europe and start playing for morale boosting points in the Prem.

Tactically, it didn't work. We had no apparent plan. We need to smarten up for these types of fixtures once and for all. I keep calling for us to up the tempo like we've done against Chelsea at home in recent seasons or play smart football like we did against Arsenal at the Lane last time out when we let them play pretty football which amounted to pretty much nothing then hit them hard twice.

Best post over on GG was the statement that went something like 'f*ck attempting to play free-flowing footie, just do a Stoke on them'. The idea here is to get in their faces, push and hassle and do the utmost to stop them playing. Play ugly and win. Just to get out of our systems. Just to edge that psychological barrier closer for us to jump over. I'm not someone who would usually suggest that and if I'm honest, I want Tottenham football the way it should be played, but it's time we took a leaf out of the United way and recycled our possession and made opportunities count.

Be relentlessness and punish. Of course, perhaps the reason why we can't always manage this and never seem to be able to do so away to these teams is because we don't quite have what's required on the pitch. And perhaps on the bench in terms of management. No knee-jerk here, just that at some point we have to show some b*llocks and stand tall.

So to conclude from an overall perspective taking everything into account, at the minute, 4th spot is as good as it will get which means we need to start to better Man City's results and make sure Everton and friends do not fly past us.

The battle for fourth is on. We can review again after Christmas and the closure (after the re-opening) of the transfer window and decide then if there's anything more to be had.

I'll leave you with the billion dollar question: How do we improve our mentality?

In the meantime, COYS.

Clattenburg 2 Tottenham 0

Let's get the Nani goal out of the way first.

I'm doing this from memory as I watched it on a stream and if there is anything that's not quite on the money with regards to the time-line of the incident and it's events, then talk up. That's the whole point of a discussion thread.

Okay, so here we go...


1) Nani in the box, Kaboul is pulling the red shirt down, and the United player decides he may as well give into gravity and tumble over. He handballs the ball after falling (diving). The ref doesn't award a penalty - which is contentious because they've been given for that sort of thing in the past - but equally so, you could argue he went to ground with relative ease. Would have been soft if it was awarded. Probably because Nani tried far too hard to con the ref when it wasn't necessary.

2) No matter if you think it was a pen, a dive or just a nothing incident - there was no indication from the ref or the lino at this juncture that the hand ball had been acknowledged by either of them. Was not a penalty for certain as far as the ref was concerned. And I don't remember that much of a protest from the United players who got on with the game.

3) Now this is where it gets a bit messy. The only certainty at this point is that Nani had blatantly and unequivocally handled the ball. So much so that the Spurs players - and especially Gomes - do not, for a single second, think that it is anything other than a stone cold free-kick. So much so, they take it for granted.

In fact, note the assistant referee at this stage of the incident. He doesn't raise his flag because he assumes Clattenburg - who witnessed the fall (dive) in the box and the handball - is taking control because of the obviousness. What I mean by control is - unquestionably making it clear it was a free kick. Except the ref doesn't make anything clear.

4) So, this far, we have a blatant handball, Clattenburg (as far as I could tell) was in clear sight. But either he didn't see it or did see, but either way - as the official - doesn't make it clear to anyone other than the voice in his head. The assistant ref (the lino), sees it but makes a mistake. He doesn't raise his flag and wave it about. Had he done so, Clattenburg would have been forced into using his arm and hands and voice to clearly state free-kick/play on/whatever - although a free kick would probably have been given due to the raising of the lino's flag. And everyone's mistake it to accept the obvious, i.e. a free-kick from a dead ball.

4) Gomes, dear innocent Gomes, places the ball down (having looked at Nani and shook his head at the player and then looked at the lino for confirmation which might have been given with a stare or again a telepathic assumption, which is hardly the basis you should accept). Again, another massive assumption in the belief that everybody on the pitch understand that Nani handled the ball.

And I'm certain everyone on the pitch did. Including Fletcher (I think it was) who shouted at Nani to drop back to defend. Everyone apart from Nani, who knew he had handled the ball and also knew the ref had not blown his whistle or made it abundantly clear what was meant to be going on. I think Clattenburg was running back to the half-way line at this point. Which begs the question, did he think Gomes was taking the free-kick or that the keeper was going to play advantage?

5) So Gomes places the ball down (twice) ten yards from the actual incident, then remonstrates with his players to get out of he box, and Nani looks around (did he ask permission from the ref or someone if it was okay to kick the ball?) and then kicks the ball under Gomes and in. Apologetic celebration, looking around at first, making sure it counted. Which it did. Which he accepted.

6) Everyone (in Lilywhite) goes a bit mental, Gomes running to the lino smacking his arm/hand, and the lino decides now is the best moment to be lifting his flag up and waves it for the attention of Mark. Clattenburg has already given a goal, but runs down to his assistant, listens to his assistant (who has already mouthed to Gomes 'I know' in response to 'handball') but alas...it's not disallowed.

Too much has happened. Clattenburg signals again, it's a goal. Two things here - the lino flagging when prompted by Gomes (why did he not do it when the hand ball happened so he can make sure the ref saw it so they could both be on the same page in terms of the flow of the game? Or do such incidents, where hand ball occur, always result with a free-kick, therefore, no need for communication? Well? Second thing worth mentioning; Pav flapping his arms like a chicken at the lino.

7) Also - you've got to laugh at our players being told to walk away from the lino whilst Rio is allowed to stand next to both Clattenburg and the lino and stick his oar in. Although if he talks like he tweets, there's a likelihood neither understood his complaining.

8) It's 2-0 and that's that.

9) If you look back (on my stream of the game) the goal was missed because they were showing a replay - so that makes it the linesman, the fans (me and everyone else watching it would seem), the players on both sides and the frigging television producers - all making the assumption it was a dead ball kick. Playing advantage only works when the keeper with the ball in his hands actually knows it's advantage - which the ref failed to do.

10) Therefore: No communication from Clattenburg. Nothing definitive. Other than the ref running up the pitch away from the box where the ball was. Would you run up the pitch if you (the ref) had decided that the ball was still in play? Why not remain close(r) to the action until you can work out what the keeper is going to do?

11) Can I mention the handball again? If the ref saw it, which he must of if he was playing 'advantage' - then why exactly? It's slack. Also, where was the yellow card for Nani? Or is it okay to dismiss it and just forgive and let us have advantage so no time is lost in our favour? And loop yourself back to 10 again.

12) Do you see how the ref is responsible for birthing this bastard United debauchery of balls? No matter laying blame on Gomes for not playing to the whistle, it's still comes down to a creation of a goal out of subtle yet chaotic mismanagement of an incident. I'll say it again: If you're going to not do the obvious ( award a free-kick, yellow card the player) at least signal it's advantage. If by not doing anything, its therefore advantage, then it allows for too much ambiguity.

Also - Did the ref whistle at any stage? If he did initally, then surely its a free-kick. If he didn't - then why the f*ck not?

Conclusions

Fact is Clattenburg should have either made it abundantly clear it was an advantage - regardless of 'play to the whistle'. Everyone (apart from Nani who was sulking on the ground because he didn't get a pen) run off down the pitch - it tells you they all thought it was a free-kick. Had Clattenburg awarded the free-kick. No controversy. Had Clattenburg signalled advantage, no controversy. There is remonstrating of Gomes to his players around the box that might hint at some type of confusion, I did notice that. But I think that had more to do with Gomes wanting to pass it out to one of them rather than booting it down the pitch.

I wish we lost 1-0, instead of having that second go in. Because people will talk about yet another injustice when the reality is, we didn't quite have it going on in the final third. It's almost like we can't just lose at Old Trafford, we have to lose and there has to be something ridiculous in there to mess with our minds.

Lesson for us is simply: Do not entrust in the officials, do not leave doubt and ambiguity in what plays out simply by playing to the whistle. Talk to the ref if you have to. Just don't make assumptions even though it was more than obvious it was hand ball and should have been a  free-kick.

Should, should, should.

Ref f*cked up. No question about it. It's now two for Clattenburg (you haven't forgotten about the Mendes goal have you - the one that would have blipped this woeful 68 game run of no wins away to the monopoly). Oh Howard, at least your calamities were more straightforward.

Next season, let's save ourselves a journey up there and just default the game.

Next blog article - I will not refer to any of this and just talk about the actual performance and players. Don't want all this dizziness to get in the way of what really matters. The football. And our season.


The Theatre of Tears

Continuing on from this, United truly wind me up. But equally, so do Spurs on occasions (so many occasions) when they allow self-defeatism to drag them towards the inevitable empty points haul that we leave Old Trafford with.

The last time we won there can probably be found in the depths of the Spurs Shop store room on a dusty Betamax in a damp corner. Long forgotten about other than the mouse chewing away at the tape. Until said mouse notices a far more appetising VHS.

So with no Howard Webb in the equation, what will give way and will it give way our way?

Potential scenarios (based on historical depression):

1) We start brightly, pressure United, score, United come back into it, make it 1-1, we go on the back-foot and then go 2-1 down, and then United score a third to kill us off.

2)  It's a scrappy match, both teams struggling to get a stranglehold on the midfield, United get a penalty which they score, the game continues to be scrappy, United get another goal, this one a screamer from about 30 yards out. Misery. Heads down. Still nothing since 1989.

3) United steam-roll us, we never get into the game. They turn it on. Tabloids proclaim the return of majestic form for the biggest club in the universe.

4) We score a legitimate goal which gets disallowed for no apparent reason other than incompetence. And lose 1-0 to goal from a defensive lapse.

5) We start brightly, take the lead, then take a position that suggests there is simply no way back for them and then we…choke. Textbook 'flatter to deceive' performance which sees United shove us aside nonchalantly as we fall back to our textbook position - on our arse at OT. Four or five home goals. Match of the Day removed from Sky+ series link.

6) We turn up. Boss the midfield. Play with confidence and belief. Score. Score again. Remain strong. Make clever tactical substitutions. United get a goal back. But it's too late. We win. We end our miserable away to a 'top 4 side' record. Spurs fans across the forums and blogs of the internet rejoice with suggestions that one striker in Jan will mean = title contenders. Fans in the away end French-kiss. I get a tattoo on my back of Harry eating the Champions League trophy. Man Utd fans in tears, Bale signalling to the home crowd 'I will never join Utd, you prawn loving losers', whilst Modric plants a flag in the centre-circle of a Cockerel and ball.



I've stuck £1000 on number 6. This is the best chance we've had in years of getting something up there. Sure, I'm not naive enough to believe United are suddenly worthless, far from it. They have enough players of quality on their day to beat anyone - even with their light-weight midfield and lack of Rooney circa 2009. The difference is, we've improved. Probably not massively this season in terms of stepping up a gear, but this game on Saturday, its one that can define our season for sure.

Step up Harry. Step up Bale, Modric, Huddlestone, van der Vaart, Lennon. Sandro. No matter who starts. Step up Crouch or Pav (I've sort of ruined the speech now haven't I?). Step up not just guile and tenacity - but for once, let's see some of that relentless never say die we're going to beat you any which way we can belief that them in the Red we face churn out season after season.

Get in their faces. Invade their personal space. Show no respect. Dish out to them what they routinely dish out to us. And never - not for a second - take a single moment for granted, no matter the score.

Want to play in the big boys playground? You need to kick 'em in the nuts first, show them you can handle the pace. Make their eyes water.

To dare is to stick it up the bollix of Berbatov. COYS.

This really winds me up

There are many things in life that wind me up. Things that pull at my nerve endings till they break through my skin and then proceed to strum a tune with them. The type of ear-bleeding, head-pounding, gritted-teeth…oh please just do one type of wind up.

For example, I cannot stand the London Underground. I use it so therefore tolerate and thus deal with it because I have no other choice. I generally find it to be the toilet basin of travel with everyone taking an anti-social dump of frustration in it. And never flushing.

What grates me is the complete lack of social decorum and lack of common courtesy. Perhaps it's an English problem. We find it easier to be rude, obnoxious and generally shy away from doing a good deed because…well, someone else will do it for you, won't they? Best illustrated by people who suddenly fall asleep or bury their heads in their newspapers when a pregnant lady walks on clutching her bump, never looking directly at someone, waiting for that rare moment of chivalry.

What is tenfold worse than people who show a blatant disregard are the ilk of people who are oblivious. Honestly, hand on heart, if I was ever to go postal, then I'd do so on the Central Line. Nothing worse than numptys who have absolutely know sense if their surroundings and just sleep-walk around waiting for the Tube fairies to guide them to their destination.

How hard can it be?

You walk down the stairs, you turn either left or right to walk onto one of the two platforms depending on whether you are going east or west. When you make your decision and walk towards the arched entrance…why, why stop dead directly under it facing the platform? Why stand there looking confused? What in the f*ck is there to think about? Surely basic instinctive awareness would tell you three things:

1) You can turn left or right into the platform you are facing
2) If you make the wrong turning, you can - believe it or not - turn yourself around by the art of movement - face the opposite direction and walk towards it
3) There are people behind you, people you are blocking

Just f*cking move you imbecilic douche bags. It's not exactly a decision masked in mystery is it? You don't need Sherlock Holmes to hold your frigging hand.

Step the f*ck forwards.

They should introduce a law allowing legalised 'punches to back and neck' when someone just stops for no other reason other than stupidity and block your path. I'd also apply the same law to people who gleefully stroll down the platform when it's nigh packed, as if they're walking the dog in Hyde Park without a care in the world.

It's not just tourists, and I'm not a complete uncaring a*sehole, I get it…people get lost or confused. But get this. Stepping onto said platform from under the arched entrance…it doesn't mean you can't ever return from it. You're not going to be sucked into Narnia if you just keep on placing one feet in front of the other in that movement we like to call walking.

It's a train station. People are looking to get from a to b, and usually after 4:30, most are looking at getting home in the quickest way possible. Yes I know, it's all rush rush rush, everyone's in a hurry, but if everyone - every single person - was in a hurry, then we'd all be getting from a to b at the same pace meaning nobody would get angry and upset. i.e. me. Actually, to be fair, it's not that I'm in a hurry. I'm just focused to the task in hand. I'm respectful of the people around me, even if they don't deserve it.

The all-time classic was when I stood at the edge of a platform as a train pulled in. Doors opened - I was in a position that meant I could walk into the carriage first, but I allowed two people off the train (I know, heart of gold) and the bloke behind me was getting agitated and trying to force his way though. Which I did not allow. When he got on after me, he stood nearby swearing to himself, talking to himself - and quite obviously repeating the C word over and over again for my benefit. He was genuinely upset at my behaviour. I mean come on, get a grip.

And why was said tool upset? Because he had to wait 5 extra seconds to get onto the carriage? Because the people ON the train had right of passage before us and I respected this unwritten but obvious code of conduct?

I told him to shut the f*ck up which resulted with another gentlemen standing between the two of us before what would have been the most ridiculous reason to fight (ever) kicked-off.

"Yeah, yeah, I got into a fight the other day"
"Who with? Headhunters? ICF?"
"Nah mate. Bloke in a suit on a train. I kept him waiting cause I was proper hardcore, letting people off the train before I stepped on it"

Christ, my palms have gone all sweaty, ranting and typing. I want to punch people in the face now. I've lost my train of thought (still have the power of the pun). Okay, so what was the point I was trying to make with all this tube rage anecdotes?

Oh yeah, that's right, things in life that wind me up. This has turned into the longest link ever.

Things that wind me up? More so than slow walkers and dizzy motherf**ers on the Central Line?

Always, always losing to Manchester United. Even when we're winning we manage to allow the forces of fate to place a pillow over our face and we surrender and do not put up a fight as the air we breath is suffocated out of us.

For once, can we please just push the unequivocally annoying bastards in red out of the sodding way?

Punch 'em in the neck.

COYS.

Interview with a Manc

mancunia chats rooney glazers and spurs - part 1
manchester utd yoof spurs targets and the project - part 2

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