Let's bolt-on Pav for another goal-fest

Afternoon.

I'm completely devoid of any creative juice currently. It's a lull so do not fret. This is what happens when you spend most days shopping for Tommee Tippee and deciding whether you should opt for Bugaboo or Maxi Cosi. Football becomes a fantasy world you escape to when hiding under tables from your heavily pregnant partner, who has became a Huddlestonesque figure consuming all before her (mostly chocolate). Thankfully she's about as slow as big Tom so the threat is minimal. Although she's got more bite then Jenas so she could potentially do a job in our midfield. Then again, the fluff in my belly-button could potentially do a job in our midfield as an alternative to Jenas.

This is not to say I'm about to disappear under an avalanche of nappies and baby milk. I blog therefore I am. Still playing around with the idea of having some guest writers on here for the days spent hallucinating due to extreme tiredness, although on such days I could potentially do a job in our midfield as an alternative...

But, as I said, this is just a lull. One that will no doubt be forgotten about after this evening when Super Pav notches a hat-trick (one with his left, one with his right, one with his head) and runs across to the bench to celebrate, sliding on knees and twitching in front of Harry who later explains in the post match interview that this was the plan all along, to hold back the Russian until the run-in and release him into the wild to do much destruction and damage in the way of casual clinical finishes as we go on full attack for both 4th spot and the Cup. A sort of 4th place in the league Cup double. There's a DVD in there somewhere I'm certain of it.

Tonight is vital IMO. And I doubt you'll disagree. I want an FA Cup final. It's been too long. One game at a time, mind. So Bolton have to be brushed aside with a bit of that olde swagger. It's not something to be ignored or fudged up by perhaps shifting players out of the side and doing a spot of tinkering with selection. I want to see our strongest side this evening, do a job and do it well. And then more of the same against Everton on Saturday. However I don't expect the side to be as strong as it will be when facing Moyes side. As long as the backbone retains its shape I'll be happy enough. Every game is a cup final from here on in. Get your suits measured.

Enjoy the match.

COYS.

Wigan 0 Spurs 3: From Russia with a smile

It was no majestic execution of total football so don't expect a club dvd release of our 3-0 away day win in the marsh lands of Wigan. However, don't be dismissing the performance completley out of hand. Take some pride from the professional taking of three points, even if it took a couple of cameos to conslidate the victory.

That Harry sure knows how to make subsititions, hey?

Okay, so for long periods of the match there wasn't too much going on and even the goal scored by Defoe to stick us 1-0 up was blatantly offside, even if the build up play (Niko and Bale involved) was deserving of a more pure finish. Many thanks to the assistant referee and his reluctance to lift his flag for that piece of good fortune. If he had eyes we'd be all busy slating JD for getting a light year ahead of the last defender before the ball was crossed.

What we got out of this incident was the lead in a game we were comfortable in, which was great because we weren't exactly having many shots on goal. I'm not about to drum up the olde 'cutting edge and lack of' discussion because the pitch was a travesty. It's hard enough for us to create chances on a decent one so no shocker we muddled through this. We mixed it up a little, tried to pass it around and had Crouch as the option if we required a long punt forwards with accompanying knock-down 3 feet away from the feet of Defoe.

Game for me changed when Modric came on.

At the start of the afternoon I found myself nodding in agreement that the lickle Croatian was on the bench. Wasn't just about the state of the pitch either. He's been a little off-key so allowing him to come on and make an impact if need be suited me just fine. Because you could see early on it was going to be one of those games we'd have to bide our time with.

Ref was inconsistent, Defoe lucky (not just with the goal but with one or two tackles and a card - thankfully just yellow). It was fragmented and untidy. King leaving the pitch just after 50 minutes was no shocker. Surprised he was risked in this game considering (no offence) that Wigan are not exactly going to pose the type of threat Everton will this weekend. We could have easily gone missing, but thanks to Wigan's reluctance to play long balls it was a game where both sides tried - as much as possible - to play football. And as for the physicality, Wilson handled it along with the rest of our players. There was no pushing powder-puff Tottenham off the ball in this game (Wigan simply not strong enough to do so).

We had the best of it in the first half, went a bit quiet and then in came Modric (for Niko) and we looked good for a second goal. Because we all know we can't rest unless we get a second.

Crouch should have scored. He didn't. Failed to lift it over the keeper. Modric unlucky with his shot coming off the post and into Kirkland's hands. When Pav entered the field of play I had a gut feeling he would get onto the score-sheet.

Scoring twice was a bit lovely considering how he's not even meant to be in a Spurs shirt. Took his first goal with ease (Modric at the heart of it, threading the ball through to him after a determined run) and then his second (from a free-kick) coming after a save from his initial header, casually slotted in through a tight gap, again with ease and a smile.

It was almost like Roman was mucking about in the playground with his mates during lunch break. Compare his efforts to the over zealous efforts witnessed in recent games. Pav was cool and calm, a refreshing alternative that we've almost forgotten about devoid of any misplaced urgency or lack of confidence. I like this Pav, much more than the one that moans in the papers, but then you can understand why he moans when he's never played. Harry, bless him, scratching the back of his neck and shifting uncomfortably couldn't quite muster up a heartily pat on the back for the Russian. You'd have noticed his comment post-match was underlined with the suggestion that Pav is a good player when he can be bothered. Yes, Harry gave him a chance because he trained well (for once). Unlike all those other times when he didn't.

"He's fantastic, trffic, quality player, top class, blah blah"

Yes, yes, if you believed any of that he'd have played a ton more games than he has. If Pav is not training well then it's probably because he's a tad disillusioned. Stick him up front against Bolton and let's see if he can do the business again. Leave the favouritism alone for once. Suck it up and just give us what we want.

Yeah, I know, I've written off Pav plenty of times in the past. Let's face it, his first season was a mess and he'd not had a chance since. Most Spurs fans would agree, so call me a soppy romantic but my heart melted for the lad when he celebrated and more so when seeing the united front all his team-mates put up for him during and after the game. He's well liked. Which is a great achievement for someone who can't speak English.

So in the end we didn't suffer the usual indignity of a last minute equaliser thanks to the magic of Modic who glided around the mud pitch like a skater on ice and Roman's clinical finishing.

We dug deep, got lucky with an offside, still pretty much dominated the game and did our goal difference a world of good along with pushing ourselves up from 7th into 4th. Again.

Happy days.

THFC: Infuriating the soul since 1882

I remember back in the 2006 season when rather than take the ball into the corner of the opposite end and waste away some precious dying seconds in our favour, we opted to attack. Not long after, the opposition scored with practically the final touch of the game. I guess being a Spurs fan we tend to have the uncanny ability to see into the future. Hands up if you knew, just knew Leeds would score a second?

I'm not going to blame Bale by the way, he's been superb - if still very much inexperienced in other areas. As a generalisation, the team + manager should carry the weight of disappoint as one.  We just didn't work as a balance unit and far too many individuals under-performed over the course of the game.

Credit to Leeds for never letting their heads go down, but fuck me, where was the stamp of quality, the killing of the game that would see out the final moments? Twenty five minutes of football is not enough to win any game. And as much as this was a great Cup tie for the neutral and an exceptional one in the stands, out on the field (for the home support) it's nothing more than further evidence that something needs tweaking. More than one thing in fact.

So, no stamp of quality when it mattered. Well, the one, being the Roman goal which was expertly taken in both build up and finish. But overall, what we got was some of that wonderful irony only Tottenham can do. Dawson, brilliant tackle. No no no, I'm not talking post-match in the showers. I'm talking about the tackle on the pitch that came before the clumsy one that gave Leeds a last second escape - scored by Beckford who displayed more belief in one spot kick that Defoe has managed in his last three. That olde self-destruct button head-butted. Would you believe it.

I don't care for the magic of  the FA Cup. Fact is, they're League One. And the tragic truth is that for all our efforts on goal we made scoring more difficult than trying to seduce a nun. It's a trend. It's a problem. And if you want to be all critical and depressive you might argue that we are declining in form. Degrading. It's not a massive problem, not a crisis. Not yet. But those doubts that hark back to the need to improve squad depth are calling out again. Practically screaming. Once more - not enough leadership.

Let's break this down:

The Atmosphere

Proper old skool innit? Police dogs growling, horses charging down the Park Lane. Scuffles here there and everywhere. Not that I'm condoning this sort of behaviour. It gave the evening a bit of an edge. Shame our players couldn't match the tenacity on the field. Although I did laugh when I read today over at Glory Glory that someone saw a chair fly past them (Block 53 I think) just after Defoe's pen miss.

The Performance

There were moments when the gulf in class between the two sides was evident. Especially the opening 20 mins or so. Counts for nothing when you don't stick 'em away. 19 shots, 17 on target across the whole 96 minutes. We are fast becoming masters of denying our own destiny. Open the door, walk through it. Don't close your eyes, spin around and then run and hope you make it through.

Danny Rose didn't make too much of an impact out on the wing, but he's a kid. Whether he turns out to be a bit special like that other one we plucked from Leeds remains to be seen. One thing is for certain, we need width in our team. We sort of got it. But it was in no way the same type of intensity Lennon provides.

The midfield failed to inspire. Yet another limp Jenas performance. All heart not brain. Remind you of someone? He's just not very good. And he's became the poster boy for the boo-boys for all that's wrong with our team. Then again, he's always been the poster boy for mediocrity which on occasion spikes towards something above average. He's a good lad, but has no decisive application when it matters. Cat's have nine lives. JJ has got through around two hundred so far.

Defoe and Crouch were quiet, not really doing enough damage in the final third. Defoe and his penalties, how tiresome is this becoming? Obvious again he'd not score. You can read it in his face. Lacks the eye of the tiger. Can someone else not have a go? Also thought he was a bit slow at times.

Everyone else was okay. Hutton looked tasty at times getting forward. Nothing outstanding from anyone. The lack of end product the main gripe. As ever. Bale, for all his required need to improve defensively, continues to impress offensively.

Leeds displayed grit and Beckford got into tasty positions. We've sort of gone off the boil a little at the back. Their equaliser was shambolic from our perspective.

Memo to Redknapp: Tweaking, not tinkering please guv. Get the engine room sorted, the tempo set and the best players (in form) in their proper positions.

Roman

Deserves a start. Okay, I'm not going into a knee-jerk about it but he came on, run into decent positions, had a decent touch or two and scored a goal from a great passage of play (nice step over dude). Worked hard off the ball too. He's hardly had a sniff this season. Considering the 'form' of our other three strikers, we've got little to lose. Well, other than a few more million off his prospective transfer fee. Nice celebration from the Russian. I think he might have smiled.

Tactics

Summed up with Keane coming on to play on the wing/midfield. It doesn't work. Although time-wasting shouldn't be a necessity against League One opposition, considering we got ourselves 2-1 up, we should have killed the game. Possession wise or with the aforementioned 'taking the ball into the corner' trick.

The replay, next round

It's gonna be tasty. And they will came at us like men possessed. Powder-puff ethics will have no place in their cauldron of hate. It's going to be massive test of character. Do we have the testicular fortitude? Do we ever?

No negative tactics please Harry.

Love to see how we line-up, but I'm guessing Palacios will start this time round. The tempo will no doubt be relentless, the noise crucifying. Gonna be some away day. Bolton await in the next round for who dares. I know 4th is perceived as more important than silverware - in the long run - but it's been way way too long since we got to a proper cup final.

Arsenal

Plucky kids gave it a go, bless 'em, but it's no shame for them to be knocked out because it was only a yoof team comprising of kids. Guess there's always the risk when you play so many kids. How did Theo play?

LMFAOROTF

Kids.

ITV Coverage

Anyone catch any of the tv coverage? Jesus wept, what commentary. How many 'marching on togethers' did you hear? Yes we get it. You're covering the football so you want an upset. No need for you to wet your panties every 5 minutes.

Conclusion

We welcomed Leeds into the game simply because we failed to capitalise and bury them out of sight. Confidence drops a little, theirs improves enough to cause doubt and concern. We need to dig deep and re-discover the lost mojo because if things continue to fester, we're going to find ourselves in trouble.

We never make it easy for ourselves. Which is why supporting this club is so great. Even if your football soul is dragged through the mire half the time.

Next up

Massive game v Fulham. Lose that and we are officially in crisis. I suspect the first 'sack the board' flag to be waved in the following game.

COYS.

Jan transfer window shenanigans

Day 19 of the month of January and we've had plenty of nothingness thus far. The Sandro 'deal' appears to be nothing more than an amalgamation of possibilities, twisted and scrunched up presenting to us a story that is neither here or there. He's close to signing one minute, no chance the next. Other hack inspired stories tells us that we are after an experienced right-back...because, you know, because we're always short of this rare breed of a footballer.

Victor Moses is likely to sign for Arsenal rather than us where he will no doubt develop a God complex within the first three months of wearing their colours. Have we been linked to anyone else that we could perhaps pencil in as a serious target (rather than fantasy birthed from the Imaginarium of Doctor Murdoch)?

Ben Foster. We bid for him. Utd rejected the bid. We then denied any knowledge of any bid being made in the first place.

My oh my the excitement is almost at epic bed-wetting proportions. I'm positively glowing.

Pav is STILL at the club. He is, honestly, I read it in the papers. Apparently Zenit are no longer interested. But Roman should be content regardless. His wife is hot. Cue countless well at least he's scoring in bed jokes.

And on the subject of strikers, RVN has been re-linked. Again. Apparently we are 'in talks' with the great man. This is perhaps one whisper that I wouldn't shrug about if we managed to pull it off. So no doubt, it won't be happening. Right?

/scratches head

Odds on us signing zilch? I'd say pretty good at the minute. We are nearing nail biting territory. Last minute panic buy blatantly on the cards. Welcome back Raziak!

Unless we can draft Comolli back in for some last minute transfer shenanigans I think Harry might be content with the squad we have. I just hope we are strong enough to last the distance.

I also hope I'm proved wrong, and we do sign someone. Just make sure it ain't a bleeding right-back please Mr Levy.

Rome wasn't built in a day

Dear Mr Levy,

Rome wasn't built in a day. But then again Rome wasn't built with plasticine. It seems that’s the main building block used by our centurions as they attempt to fathom the foundations for a brave new empire. Our putty like team of very small creatures is becoming stop-motion when it should be morphing and leaving all the goobledygook behind. It's the cause of missed heart beats. Are you as nervous as I am? You should be.

The last thing we want is for us to lose our grip on this very precious chance we've been given. You know exactly what I'm talking about. This season, nobody wants to do consistency. But at some point, someone, possibly more than one club will hit form. And if we're left behind then we'll be face palming well into the summer months at another lost opportunity. We don’t have to be great, we just have to be good. A little better than good will do just fine.

New stadium? Grand. Lovely. But that’s years away. And we've still got to get planning permission for it. And I can't be staring at photos of the proposed structure for the next half a decade whilst others travel around Europe visiting already built and populated stadia in the Champions League. Applause for all the sterling work off the pitch, with the business side of the club. I'm not naïve, I know that in this day and age the finances have to be strong in order for us to be able to spend £15M a pop on the latest player of the moment. Everything is primed and in place. It always has been. But that cutting edge in both decision making on a managerial level and on a chairman level has been left wanting. Leaving us with no cutting edge where it matters most - on the pitch.

You say, in a round-about-way that there is no money to spend on players. Meaning to sign someone we need to sell someone. Harry then comes out and suggests that all the proposed outgoing players according to the press are not actually going anywhere. And in the midst of all this we are meant to be signing Sandro. That's the Brazilian defensive midfielder, not Harry's better half. Classic word play there.

Obviously, what is said publicly is never a true reflection of what is going on behind the scenes, and that should be the case. No need to be in the know until the press conference. How we get there does not matter, as long as we do. As long as the conclusion is identical to the one the majority are hoping for. And in this case, the majority want to see certain players gone and brand spanking new ones arrive. You might believe that consistency regarding players is the way forward, but if some players are not capable of that, then consistency will never be forthcoming.

Recent results have highlighted that the team under Harry requires a bit of tweaking. By tweaking I mean gutting and by a bit I mean the same amount Jack the Ripper ripped out of his victims.

Harry has a monumental job in attempting to reshape a culture of comfort that exists deep in the psychosis of the club, no matter the players, staff or coach. The same niggling reoccurring issue of mental strength arises. Perhaps it’s our transfer policy and the ilk of players we traditionally bring here that are of a certain criteria that is only good enough for a mid-table to a rare 5th place position. Any player with true hunger for genuine success, looks elsewhere and we become a stepping stone for those who truly believe they can achieve more. Rather than those who don’t quite grasp the moment and remain content, chasing shadows on the field of play and women in bars.

Carrick moves on striding forwards with confidence. Jenas stays, picking his nose and chasing butterflies.

As a collective we constraint the entity that is Tottenham, eleven players, lacking a sustained balance to shift up a gear to the next level. From one generation to the next. It has to end. And doing it slowly slowly leaves no potential for a conveyor belt of club shop dvd releases. Score-draws are so yesterdays news darling. We want more. Much more. And we want it now.

It's time to throw more money at the problem at hand. It's the only way to fix it. No time for patience. No time to wait for the players to learn from their mistakes and grow together. They have taken us as far as they can. Harry (when he arrived) rid the club of the cloud of depression, got the players working as a unit, got us strong and capable away from home and lifted belief. But these blips we are experiencing are ones that are becoming detrimental to our immediate ambitions. It's because some of the players are punching above their weight and failing to land any shots.

The responsibility is split between yourself, the coach and the players. But one cannot move to resolve it unless the other two aid its attempt.

The blips need removing. Show Harry the money. Let Harry make the changes to the team and that will allow the team to turn from plasticine into something more quantifiable. Like Lego. You can build cool stuff with Lego. Like the Millennium Falcon. Plasticine doesn't do hyperdrive. And let's face it, Han Solo or Lando Calrissian sitting on top of a ball of clay in the midst of the Galactic Civil War is never going to be a cool or productive sight to behold. And remaining on this literal space kick...

Robbie Keane is playing football out of phase, like that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Geordi La Forge's quantum state is out of sync with normal matter, leaving him invisible to all around him. Unable to influence anything or anyone around him. If I remember correctly, it was thanks to a transporter accident. Something that is quite possibly the reason behind Robbie's demise since his road trip north went south. He can't even be arsed to wave his hands around and shout anymore. That's the damage Rafa inflicted on this once crowd favourite. The player that made Berbatov look great.

Crouch isn't scoring the goals - proving that tall players are only good for hoofing the ball up to their head, and as he's useless with his head, he doesn't really do enough with his feet to warrant a place alongside Defoe. Honestly, that thing he does with his feet. You know, the controlling of the ball? Don't shout it out but I swear I've seen normally sized players do the same. Ssh.

And as for Defoe, over-rated. Scores five against Wigan then misses a penalty against Everton and does nothing against Wolves. That's all the evidence I need. He's due another loan spell.

Pavlyuchenko? I can't actually remember the last time I saw him play. Does he still wonder the aisles in the Tescos over in Waltham Abbey looking to pick up cheap dvd players with the aid of his interpreter? Can you perhaps email Comolli and ask him to forward the youtube link that he based his decision to sign him on? Perhaps we can sue the Frenchman for industrial sabotage.

The midfield requires more weight. And I'm not talking about feeding Huddlestone extra cheeseburgers. There is no leader, no one to scream and shout at the players. It's a fundamental basic ingredient. And it's missing. Talking of which, your poster boy Jenas is still knocking around. Doing what exactly remains a mystery. But there he is. There. Just standing, watching, as the world passes him by. Young English player with bonus sell-on value. So when the fuck do you ever plan on selling him then? HIS VALUE IS DECREASING WITH EACH SUNSET MATE.

And as for Hutton. Allow me to make a suggestion here based on what I know from experience. He was signed from Rangers. That's it. No more questions your honour, no more questions. Players that look good up in Scotland will probably be passable at a Championship side down south. I guess if the club spends £8M on Dean Richards, then £8M on Alan Hutton is a given. You know, cause we don't want to appear to be racialists.

Gio. Mexican. Likes to party. Doesn’t like to train. Played for Barcelona. He's going to be a mega star. He just needs time. More time. And protection. Just like Adel out on loan to QPR. Both world beaters. You just wait and see. Just wait. They can dribble, the lads. Get 'em playing for us. Recall Adel. Play Gio. I'm telling you, it's…okay, this one, it's going nowhere fast.

Even the good ones are struggling. Take Wilson Palacios who has gone from beast to Gruffalo. He has lost the tenacity and discipline to own the space between defence and the oppositions midfield. Like a key lost behind the sofa, he's busy looking for it in the kitchen. Its behind the sofa! The sofa, Wilson, the sofa! He just needs to refocus. Thankfully, that might happen with the aid of a little Croatian by the name of Luka. Small enough to fit his skinny arms and reach out for the missing key. But we cannot place all hope on his petite shoulders.

The back four changes it's line-up more times than Danielle Lloyd changes…ah, nah, I'm not going to go there. Way too easy. I'll be the first not to.

And don't even dare get me started on David Bentley. You know Dave, right? He's the one making mischief with the star jumping and the skip shooting. You can't miss him. He's wearing a wolf costume. And as punishment, Harry sends him to bed without his supper. And in his room a mysterious wild forest and sea grows out of his imagination and he sets sail to the Land of the Beck Things. These are smouldering good looking sexy creatures that Dave conquers by staring into their beautiful green eyes without blinking once and is made the King of all Beck Things. And he dances around with them in a not so but quite possibly metrosexual way and has much fun and then finds himself lonely and homesick so he returns to find that although his supper was left waiting for him, it was now gone. Yep. No hot supper. No, it wasn't Tommy. Not this time. It was patience. Patience ate his supper, his last supper. And as far as I'm concerned he can go back to his imagination land with his showboats and row z free-kicks if it means selling him to any mug willing to take him off our hands.

The problems we have, they are obvious ones. Do not allow complacency to ruin it. Remove the dead parts. Replace them. And then work with the improved group to further improve their state of mind. Your job is to make sure that Harry has the support to birth consistency before we lose our way completely.

All this is quite possibly in hand already. So I guess this just serves as a reminder of what I'm expecting. Because you know, us fans know exactly how a football club and team should be run more than anyone. Take note and get back to me at the end of January.

Regards,

Spooky

How much does a Bentley cost?

So apparently, Daniel Levy does not envisage the club being very active cometh the Jan transfer window, although he suggests that if opportunities arise we'll take note - but shouldn't expect any net spending. And to dizzy up the quotes further he's reassured Harry that there will be no disruption to the core team. To quote Mr Chairman:

"Having a settled squad gives us the best chance for consistency. We are striving for top-level displays, including the ability to take on and beat the so-called top four teams."

I'm thankful we have proven top 4 players like Robbie Keane in the squad. And Gerrardesque midfielders such as Jenas box to boxing their way up and down the pitch, when he's not sitting on the bench watching Huddlestone do the same thing. Well, not do the same thing pound-for-pound. Hudd has no need for speed. He lets the ball do all the running. Mobility is for people with no footballing brain. But midfield semantics aside, we're good to go. We've got a back four unit, robust and sturdy, a mixture of youth and experience. Mostly youth at the moment. And we have cover for our midfield enforcer. He's at Pompey, but should be back with us in no time. We've got no true cover for our little wing wizard, but that's fine, because he won't get injured. And as for our forward line-up (did I mention Robbie Keane?) we've got the master of scoring goals in bursts and breaking the offside trap (Defoe) and the perfect foil (Crouch) when our players forget tactics and resort to hoofing the ball. And let's not be forgetting the soon-to-be-back-in-Lilywhite, Luka Modric. Who I guess in essence will be akin to a brand spanking new signing. Maybe we could have a press conference and pretend we've just signed him to make up for the despondency that there will not be a £15M transfer splurge on new blood when 2010 tick tocks into our lives.

Consistency equates to beating the so-called top four teams. Who are so-called top four because they finish in the top four positions. I made that connection all on my own. And we've had consistency this season, be it with missing players (due to injuries) and an ever-changing back-four line-up and erratic forwards which has given us a consistent set of results. 3-1, 3-0, 3-0. Zero points. Against three of the top four. The other one doesn't count because everyone is beating them.

So enjoy your Christmas presents because we wont be unwrapping too much in the way of surprises when the window reopens. Other than Sandro. Because Harry mentioned we're interested and the chairman is working towards a deal. Oh, and we're going to need to add a little in the way of depth when replacing Roman Pavlyuchenko and David Bentley. They're not core players. We hardly ever play them. And they're not very good. And for the sake of avoiding egg on face (or perhaps managing to wipe away the egg currently on face) the club will need to recover something from their self-pitying stays in N17. And we all know Bentley is a certainty to go after his show-boating antics in a Spurs friendly game that infuriated Harry. You'll have seen it doing the rounds today. A few days after the story was posted and shared in various message boards. You know the one. The one where Harry tells David he's going to get rid of him. DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM-DA-DADUM.

Let's hope we get a good price for a cluttered Bentley with a dodgy engine and hanging fuzzy dice.

I can't keep this up anymore.

There is no story here. We've obviously not got bundles of cash to spunk wastefully on players. Mainly because we've already spunked it. On wasteful players. We're letting people know indirectly (directly) we have no intention of over-spending (breaking a habit of a life-time here).

The main backbone of the side is good enough to sustain some sort of challenge. As good a challenge that a club like Spurs (non-Champions League and non-Sheik owned)  can prepare for. It's the meat around the bones that needs beefing up. And it's guaranteed that anybody who is deemed malignant will be removed with swift and necessary surgery.

The money will be there to spend once we streamline the squad, we just don't need to be mentalists about it. A defensive midfielder is needed (Sandro the obvious target). A centre-back (long-term solution to the Ledley King conundrum) should also be discussed in-house. Unless you think a back four of BAE - Bassong - Dawson - Corluka will work without a commanding, leading presence to guide them (Daws is 26 years old, but lacks sustained experience). Perhaps a goalkeeper too. For cover, nothing more. Other solutions will involve development rather than throwing money at it to make it work (i.e. Bale - is he a left-back or a left-midfielder and can he cover BAE's absence when he leaves for the African Nations Cup?).

The backbone of the side will suffer no major trauma (which means key players - yes, Robbie Keane is a key player) will stay put. So it's not exactly breaking news that selling to buy is going to be the tactic here. And that there is no need for massive massive signings.

If you think back to 2006, what we failed to do is bulk up in Jan (didn’t we sign Ghaly?) and had we, we might well have wrapped up 4th spot long before the saboteur broke into the hotel and coughed germs all over the players soon to be eaten dinner. Levy knows already (thanks to Harry's complaints a while back about the lack of midfield depth) that we need consolidation in that area. Ignoring Robbie Keane's shout-out about how strong our bench is, we all know the reality is rather different. We don’t have enough in reserve.

Expect a post-Christmas cracker. We'll sign what we need, nothing more, nothing less and then it's all down to the manager and the players to believe and work hard. Qualities that might prove to be priceless in the long run.

The Adventures of Pavvi Pukh

click on the image...

Roman's Never-Ending Story

It's international break which means it's time for yet another episode in the long running snooze-fest that is Roman Pavlychenkos statuesque escape from White Hart Lane. Roman usually doesn't have a speaking part, with his agent left to do all the on-screen talking. But as we near the finale, he appears to have stepped up, giving us a virtuoso performance full of determination and intent.

"I want to leave the club. It is impossible to remain there under the circumstance I find myself in. I have been sitting on the subs' bench for half a year and as a result lost a place in the starting 11 of the national team. And now hopefully we will get to the World Cup - who will rely on a forward who does not play? I want to play and not just warm the bench. Immediately after the games with Slovenia, my agent and I are flying to London for purposeful negotiations and I want to take part in them personally…"

And so forth. It's a little bit Brando in Apocalypse Now.

There's no doubt this series has been a disappointment. No major twists, no big surprises. Just the same drawn-out sub plot that neither excites the viewer or leaves them drooling in anticipation for more. And the reason is oh so painfully obvious. The supposed main supporting cast member (our Roman) has been relegated to nothing more than an extra. Background fluff that has resulted in nothing much in the way of screen time so that we can perhaps find out more about him. The cameos are obviously not enough, and having him appear every now and again has never proved to be a fruitful exercise. The viewers haven't seen enough to want more and rest have seen enough to not care for more.

Some might argue that we are seeing is reminiscent of the infamous canned show which starred the Ukrainian forward Sergei Rebrov. That particular series was left to stagnate whilst everyone waited for improvement that was never forthcoming. A spin-off series where he found himself lost on an island made of Lego surrounded by incomprehensible hostiles was equally weak in narrative.

It's simply not been right from the off. If he's signed for £14M and is apparently out of sorts at the start of his contract and then hardly given a chance to make amends a summer later, then he is bound to look lacklustre when he is given a rare opportunity to shine. It's a catch 22 and a stronger player might have perhaps taken those opportunities and done more with them. Then again, if it's decided to bring back a former star and offer him a bumper package that includes a starring role in every single episode - then I guess you'd be more demoralised to see someone who is obviously more out of sorts than you, get preferential treatment.

Controversial stuff.

Fact is, those same signs of mediocrity are still there to be seen. The lad should never have left Russian television in the first place.

Sir David Attenborough at White Hart Lane

Here, in the midst of the north London plains, we find ourselves fortunate to witness one of natures true wonders. The rare sighting of a Pavlyuchenko. A Russian breed that is not often seen out in the wild so far away from its homeland. It's apologetic and worried face is akin to what a polar bear in the Sahara would look like. It is in search for respite. But much like our Polar Bear, it does not appear to be comfortable in its surroundings.

It appears to move gracefully as it looks for prey. However, he's not accustomed to the ways of this land and will soon struggle to feed his ever-lasting hunger. For the Pavlyunchenko flatters to device. Unlike the rampant Defoe, the 'Pav' struggles when he's expected to thrive. When going in for the strike he suffers from one of natures more embarrassing dispositions. Stage fright. There he goes, a certainty you think, but no. Yet another opportunity goes missing. If it continues to find itself in good positions, only to lose its chance, it will prove to be a long and cold winter for this sorry beast.

He needs to be able to pin down an attack and ravage it with acute confidence as it feasts on the glory of the kill. This would send out a message to others around him. I'm here and I'm staying. But at the moment, he's hardly noticed. This, some would say, is a perfect illustration of an animal that is lost in a jungle far away from its home. Feeling sorry for its self, it will waste away if its unable to claim a victim rather than be one. There are alternatives for the Pav. It can attempt to journey back east and look for a new home where there are less prying eyes.

For now it looks on with envy as the sometimes cumbersome giant, the Huddlestone, uses its power and strength in battle. The Hudd eats well. It never misses a meal. But then the Hudd is one of natures more fortunate souls as it roams the plains alongside the Palacios panther. The Palacios, second only to the King of the Jungle who is currently out of sight resting, is a formidable creature that fears nothing. It's tenacity unparalleled, it seeks to fight it's enemies and never fails in stopping any over-confident animal that dares to run past. We are truly in honour of its presence, and with no Lennon gazelle to dazzle us with its pace, watch the Palacios and its some what conflicted mix of beauty and menace as it protects its domain.

Sir David, up close and personal with Jermaine Jenas

And over here. We have something equally rare for altogether different reasons. The David Bentley. Look at this curious creature as it flexes its wings, but notice that there is no traditional strutting and posing. No show-boating display of its plumage. Unlike the city Bentley that can be found desperately seeking attention on roof tops and in skips, or dancing when it knows someone is watching, this business-like Bentley out in the playing fields, is focused and eager. It has a point to prove as it moves with intent. Wanting to show the other jungle animals that its more than just a hair cut.

Watch carefully how it moves. There is nothing superfluous about this creature. Every movement has purpose and reason. It wants to find a home and intends not to waste time showing off. It aids his brethren as they attack in packs, seeking to fulfil their appetites as the chimps up in the trees look on and applaud and clap at the spectacle before them. It's a majestic sight to be hold. Soon, the Bentley and the herd it belongs to will move onto quiet nearby wastelands where they aim to attack a group of nomadic disease carrying creatures and send them back to the marshlands in the south.

Moving on, this animal here is looking for its forgotten mate for it feels lost and desolate without his former partner. Unable to settle, it struggles to find form which means its directional sense is confused. It's still attempting to recovery from a migration north which was meant to last for many seasons, but returned only with a single full winter passing. Watch how it searches for something to eat. It's irritable and angry, growling at others of his ilk as it blames them for his lack of stealth and bite. But look, a gift befalls it. However rather than finishing the kill for himself, he allows the pack to move in as they all attempt to feast. But alas, it manages to strike a deadly blow and claims an undignified meal. It's a hollow victory. Watch how it walks away, embarrassed yet thankful. But it doesn't care. The Keane is able to roam these lands like a Lion in the Serengeti. Untouchable, even though the other animals know its not the true king. The Keane shakes its arms uncontrollably once again. It has been a long time since it staked claim to devastating acclaim. But unlike the past, there is no Berbatov grazing here in N17.

'Get him to wear one of those George Best tight-fitted pink jumpers'

It's Monday and I'm already bored of this week. Once more, the break for Internationals manages to completely kill my buzz. I streamed the England game and managed to miss the penalty (Shev too) and the moment of genius defending from Rio followed by the Green red card. I did see their goal and hardly much of anything else. Juices not flowing much for this one.

The time I have spent on-line has varied from catching up with latest Studs-Up comics (blatant plug) and refreshing News Now every 10 seconds (even though it auto-refreshes all by itself) to see if there was anything worthy to write about. Guess what? Nothing. Not a thing. However today there seems to be one or two new items out there that are being discussed on various websites. I'll save you the bother of having to churn your way through them with this lazy lazy round-up. Hopefully by Wednesday we'll have another bookie hysteria episode with Harry 'set to be sacked' to break up the week and help gently guide us through to Friday where we can then start looking forward to the Pompey game.

Here's the round-up.


Redknapp to have ex-SAS as private guards for the Pompey game

Yeah, because he's going to really really need a crack unit of hardened experienced ex-squaddies to make sure all those rude words don't hurt his delicate little ears. I'm hoping this is simply a cover-story to distract us from the real reason they will be accompanying our coach. Operation: Destroy that annoying melter with the cow-bell.

Swap Deal Exclusive - Pav for Huntelaar

We all know our Roman (via his agent, Hiddink and the press) is once more looking to make a move out of N17 and out of England completely. And with Huntelaar failing to score in around 8 or so games for AC Milan and the fact that the tabloids had as linked with him through-out the summer, the blatantly obvious conclusion would be to add one and one. In this case, it equals a swap deal that both clubs would be happy to agree. Pav, who has shown no reason to be a player worthy of a AC Milan shirt will be happy to risk yet another bedding in period on the bench with KJH leaving Serie A to basically stand (sit) behind Crouch, Defoe and Keane at the mighty Tottenham Hotspur. Nailed on this one. Absolutely nailed on. Honestly, do the math. As a sweetener we should throw in Gareth Bale. Because we don't need any left-sided cover. Cue Downing bid. So what if he just joined Villa. So what if he's still injured. £15M will make it happen.

David James

International break over and a few days off before all the pre-match talk erupts for the weekend games, it's a perfect opportunity for more transfer musical chairs. Let's be logical about this. It's October. Two months and a couple of weeks and the transfer window re-opens, so its only right that David James is linked to us every 2-3 weeks. He got to play on Saturday and obviously every player in contention lusts for a place on the World Cup plane to South Africa which means a cameo here or there isn't enough and playing for Pompey is not exactly the best way to grab Fabio's attention. CC is currently doing a below average job between the sticks for us and Gomes, well, he's not quite 100%. I think. So that means we need a brand new goalkeeper. And not just any old cheap cover. And the fact James plays for one of our feeder clubs, its another unquestionable formula for success. Right? Of course it is. Sign James and when Gomes is fit then we have two players who will want to be number one, which will no doubt result in the Brazilian wanting to move on to pastures new.

Now I know some might argue that James could actually be nothing more than a replacement for CC and that Gomes is likely to be a longer-term number one. But why even bother with it? CC isn't great, but he's 'ok' until The Octopus is fit and ready for a full return to action. Invest in a young goalkeeper who could actually break into the side in the future.

Now if you find yourself bored of reading the James linkage as much as I do, then get ready for the twist. Apparently we have been 'thwarted' after a shock £3M bid for Paul Robinson.

Riiiiiiight.

We failed to attract Robbo back to the lane? Obviously the trial of sweets, chocs and other assortments of cup-cakes and ice-cream failed to lure the former 'England's Number One' back to his destiny as the Park Lanes favourite son.

£3M? Honestly? Thwarted? Really? Did Blackburn get Gandalf in to stamp his staff and shout 'You shall not pass' at us?

van Nistelrooy

Linked to us again. If anyone out there is handy at coding, please get in touch if you can think of a way to develop some type of attachment that would allow me to slap football journos in the face via email. I'm not talking about one of those girlie glove style gauntlet slaps. More two steps back and gritted teeth types of slap - right across the face.

dos Santos

Back from injury and wanting to once more prove himself. I say it's time for a fail-safe. Mini-bar at every corner of the ground and free-drinks if he manages to get a shot on target. Or get him to wear one of those George Best tight-fitted pink jumpers so he stands out more and people actually notice him. Because falling out of nightclubs is blatantly not working. Or perhaps send him back to Ipswich. He was good there. In the Championship. We hear about his attempted comebacks every few months, as often in fact as another International wonder-goal from Adel 'we should build our team around him' Taarabt. He's at Q.P.R. currently. In the Championship.


And that's the news that was. Some if it still is. And most of it will be back next month for the sixth time. Possibly seventh. Who's counting?

Time to cash in on Pav?

Been off-line for a few days, and come back to find a lovely gem of a news item concerning our forgotten Russian striker, Roman Pavlyuchenko. Apparently Zenit are interested.

"He does not intend to sit on the bench. We are aware of Zenit's interest. They wanted to sign Roman in the summer and I think we'll start negotiations again." - so says his esteemed agent Oleg Artemov.

If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. He's struggled with an injury or two this season and has generally been a non-entity in our progress, other than a cameo in the Carling Cup. He looked bright and alive in pre-season and I for one was more than curious to see if this much maligned non-English speaking international was not yet another over-rated big money signing.

We remember last year well. He looked out of sorts. Whether it was the general struggle of learning the language (can anyone confirm if he can?) or looking confused when confronted by a Spurs fan in the Waltham Abbey Tescos partnered by his interpretor - Pav looked equally lost on the field too.

A bit clumsy, poor first touch, slow and very Zamoraish with his shooting. Other occasions he displayed a touch of class.

"He's just a bit tired, innit. Long Russian season, European Championships, then a move to Blightly"...was a common excuse by those who awaited the real deal to show us £14M worth of class.

We are still no closer to knowing.

And with JD, Crouchie and the undroppable Keano he stands little chance at the minute of making some kind of breakthrough into the first team.

Nailed on departure, no?

And having Zenit sniffing around is tinged with some of that ever so lickable irony dust. Oh yes. The same Zenit who moved the goal-posts around a dozen times during the Arshavin negotiations. How much did they want from us at the time? £18M? £20M? It was something ridiculous. Every time we seemed to agree a fee, they wanted a bit more. At the time our chairman got some stick from some quarters (cough) for not meeting their estmiation.

"Pay it. He's proper class"

Yes, he is a class player. Someone that would have fit in perfectly at Spurs. Imagine him linking up with Modric and...oh, whatever. It never happened, and to be fair AA is a bit of a git, as you might recall, he's 'dream move' seemed to change every other week. And he's already complaining about the 50% tax deductions that are not too far off for our footballing millionaires. But considering we paid £14M for Pav and £16M for Bentley...it makes you wonder. However, principles are principles, which is why Levy didn't buckle. Sickening he was sold for a measly £12M in the end.

So, back to that irony dust.

Zenit, if they do knock on our door, should be taken to the cleaners. IMO.

They want Pav?

Ok.

£18M. Not a penny less. Ta.

The Strike-Force

The world is forever changing. And with it, so do the Astonishing S-Men.

Welcome to the next chapter.

With the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning set to be re-built along with a new School for the Ungifted, the worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation based in N17 is embracing a brave new world. White with streaks of yellow the uniform colours synonymous with the North London evolution in their continued battle with the Pundits and Keyboard Warriors, along with the ever present Sky Sports Four. There are enemies to be seen in every direction. These are troubled times. A time in need for heroes.

To make sure the competitive nature always remains at a high unparalleled level, a new special team has been put together to hurt the opposition and aid the progression of Professor L's Lilywhite agenda.


This is the S-Men. This is S-Men: Strike-Force.


Mr Triffic

Species: Manager.
Notable aliases: Houdini, The Twitch, The Escapist.
Team responsibility: Team leader and father figure. It's his role to select the attack formations and guide his men to victory. And hug. Plenty of arms around shoulders and tight tight hugging.
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another, using simple physic techniques with Hex commands, i.e. 'run around a lot and kick it in the net'. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration. Can alter reality with the words “Down to barebones” and "Two points, eight games" that results with an exceptional level of commitment and effort from his team.
Other strengths: Can summon back departed S-Men who have lost their way in the wilderness. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.
Footnote: It's said that his one weakness is The Brown Kryptonite, but there is no evidence to suggest of its existence and it's ability to corrupt him.
Quote: "You wouldn't hit a man with a twitch would you?"


The Jig

Species: Forward.
Notable aliases: The Windmill, Cartwheel, Shouty Pointy Man.
Team responsibility: The commanding officer of the Strike-Force. Deep cover agent, incognito, with the uncanny ability to dis-balance the oppositions defensive game-plan with subtle flicks and movements, leaving them in a dizzying state of fear.
Main abilities: Is able to transcend through space and time, allowing his essence to exist momentarily five seconds ahead of everyone else meaning he can drift and run into space that isn't yet available in the present. This may appear to leave his fellow S-Men in a state of confusion as they can't quite figure out where he is until he returns to the 'present'. The journey back is not deemed to be an easy one with the subsequent pain resulting with indistinguishable screams and flapping of arms. But his influence, invisible to the untrained eye, remains indisputable and without challenge.
Other strengths: Lighting fast arm reflexes with possible hypnotic undertones when waved around at high velocity speeds.
Footnote: In one of his darkest moments, having been brainwashed by the evil mastermind, The Waiter, The Jig's powers were practically decimated during his imprisonment, where he was tortured and humiliated week in week out by his sadistic keeper. Some say, since his return to Professor L's Institute, he has been irreversibly damaged by this damning experience leaving many to question why he is given the responsibility to lead the team.
Quote: "You wanna play with The Jig? Here, pick a pass!"


Defcon

Species: Striker.
Notable aliases: The Black Greaves, Flash, Pocket Dynamite, The Sex.
Team responsibility: The main outlet for decisive single-minded attacks. Only needs a second to render the opposition null and void with devastating strikes of power. Blink and you'll miss him - and then you'll regret it.
Main abilities: Is said to have been born with the chaos gene that allows him to run ragged any opposing defensive line placed in his path in the field of battle. Explosive burst of pace, power in feet, strength and determination - considered to be the poster-boy of the Strike-Force. There are whispers he is the illegitimate son of Mr Triffic, but the bloodline remains unproven.
Other strengths: Insatiable, lust magnet that has the women falling at his feet. Some say his skills in the bedroom are just as explosive as the fireworks he produces during missions. A trail of devestated women would suggest this to be the case.
Footnote: Is known to produce erratic displays when faced with his old time nemesis, The Offside Trap, who possesses the power to drag him back away from an attacking position, leaving him frustrated and ineffective.
Quote: "Here I am in your personal space so go ahead and open up"


The Interpreter

Species: Russian to English interpreter.
Notable aliases: The Man on the Touch-line.
Team Responsibility: He is best known as the Safekeeper of the Russian Ghost, better known to most as 'The Guardian of the Pavlyuchenko' - which is a mystic supernatural force descended from Russia. The 'Pav' has to be called upon using a secret calling, but can only appear for short periods of time. It's up to the Interpreter to make sure his transition into this world and subsequently into Strike-Force duty is one without difficulties.
Main abilities: The Interpreter is the only known person who is able to communicate with The Pav and is able to provide direct instructions to him, based on Mr Triffic's requirements.
Other strengths: The Pav himself is a mysterious entity, one that can be vital in situations that warrant desperate measures. But because of the fragile nature of his existence it's also deemed to be a risk to summon his presence in the midst of battle as its impossible to predict the impact he will have. The Pav is isolated and alone most times and has a somewhat apologetic nature as he struggles to adapt to this world, preferring the comfort of his true home, but at times does show glimpses of what he could do if he was permanently pulled from the netherworld into this one.
Footnote: The Interpreter and  Mr Triffic have unresolved issues and the relationship is strained meaning that The Pavs influence on the Strike-Force is growing weaker with each passing day. So much so that nobody is quite sure whether his presence, when called upon, would be detrimental to the team.
Quote: "No comment" (Interpreter) 
"Its time, to quote the vernacular, to Rock and Roll" (The Pav - translated from Russian)


Project 'Peter'

Species: Forward.
Notable aliases: The Robot, Rodney, The Tall One, Freak Boy.
Team responsibility: Plan B. Causes an altogether different type of problem by being difficult to defend against thanks to his unorthodox attacking flair which is disguised by his awkward stance.
Main abilities: Genetically altered human, part-man part-robot. The only part-machine member of the strike-force gives him an advantage over others during air attacks thanks to his height. Used routinely as a target/point man in emergency attack formations.
Other strengths: Can momentarily fly and guide missiles on target with devastating yet sublime precision. The robotic part of his brain is capable of stupendous mathematical calculations and processing power that he not only uses during his offensive duties but also socially, as he endeavours to 'fit into' a world where tall people with imbedded CPU's are dismissed as freaks. Peter was able to run a complex social discourse algorithm which covered off every possible question/answer scenario for a one-on-one discussion allowing for best possible selection to achieve the maximum success (with an estimated 0.0000000001% chance of failure) when attempting to find a female for mating purposes. He pulled Abbey Clancy on his very first calculation attempt. The algorithm rules.
Footnote: Great touch for a robot.
Quote:"0110110101111001001000000110111001100001011011010110010100100000011010010111
00110010000001110000011001010111010001100101011100100010000001101001001000000111011
10110000101101110011101000010000001110100011011110010000001100010011001010010000001
111001011011110111010101110010001000000110011001110010011010010110010101101110011001
000000110100001010"




Welcome to the future…Lilywhites.