Challenge Spurs™ - Spurs 5 Burnley 0

Challenge Spurs™...and so it begins. The 5 star quest for 15 points saw us claim the first three with a five goal haul at the Lane against the tidy-playing-but-limp Burnley. Five goals, four of which came from the boot of a certain much-maligned Robbie Keane, back up front rather than out on the left flank. The question of the day is: How do you define a good performance? I always find that whether you're at the game or at home watching it, as a fan, you'll always going to be a touch more critical. Its natural for us to think certain players perhaps under-performed and probably even more likely to exaggerate the performance of others.

Personally, I thought today was the type of result that does this wee little club a world of good. Professional without the need for absolute dominance. We didn't exactly boss the game. In fact Burnley can be proud of the amount of possession they had, but aside from Carlo in goal doing his best Robinsonisms, they never quite stressed out our make-shift central defence pairing of Huddlestone and Bassong. Tommy hardly put a foot wrong. Sure there were some wayward passes from other players (including Tom) and one or two guilt-edged chances (a Keane one-on-one and Defoe placing the ball the wrong side of the post). But all in all, you can't complain (you just can't) when your team has 13 shots on goal, 6 on target and scores 5 of them. Happy days.

So, main positives to take from the game? Niko - still probably not 100% match-fit - slotted in very well on the left-flank. Obviously doesn't have the touch and vision of Moddle, but the boy does have a bit of that Tottenhamesque class about him and thus allowed us to resort back to a more traditional balanced structure. Jenas was great today. Ok, so it's the type of opposition that he tends to turn up for but it's clean-slate for JJ as he seemed to rise to the occasion at the back end of last season alongside Palacios (although it must be pretty easy to play alongside the Monster from Honduras). Wilson did his usual patrolling around the centre of the pitch scaring anyting in claret and blue and Jenas was therefore free to roam forward and play one or two delicious passes.

Defoe was off key a little bit. Broke/dislocated a finger (or was it fingers?) and went off to be replaced by Crouch. We seem to be spoilt at the moment with forwards who are hungry to impress. Peter almost scoring himself late on. Also good to see we didn't resort to aiming for his head every single time. He can play with his feet too damn it! He can!

As for Keane. How many of you thought 'textbook' when he missed that first one-on-one? Made amends with the second (from the spot) thanks to a clumsy tackle by Bikey on JD. And that was our cue to relax a little bit. Although we were obviously comfortable in first gear and one or two passes were still going astray, when we did decide to play - the difference in class was massive. We played some rather wonderful stuff in that first half. Burnley, bless 'em, are not too shabby with their play either but they simply never took any of their half chances (even with CC lending a helpful hand). We took ours every time.

After Fletcher had a goal disallowed and Defoe and his sitter, we made it 2-0. JJ, shot, deflection, deserved. More tasty moments from us, including a lovely run from Aaron who could have hit it himself but opted to play it across the six yard box. Signs we would score more. Doubt anyone was worried about surrendering our lead (well apart from one or two moaning gits).

Second half wasn't as fluid as the first, but the quality in spurts was more than evident.

3-0. JJ threads a delightful (delightful - worth mentioning twice) ball inside the fullback to Lennon who cut back to Keane who smashed it into the roof of the net.

4-0. Keane, defeating JD's nemesis The Offside Trap, notched up a hat-trick thanks to a lofted pass from that versatile-thank-the-lord-we-never-sold-him-to-Fulham Huddlestone.

Then the moment we've all been waiting for. 24 games in the making. Gareth Bale on. The hoodoo shudders. It knows its time is over. Ok, so as someone on GG so eloquently put it, if you were a virgin you'd rather work hard at getting the girl you fancy to sleep with you rather than have your mates pay a blindfolded prostitute to do the anti-climatic deed. Thank you DHSF for the miserable analogy. Regardless, Bale is now part of a squad of 'winners'. A team with no apologetic deficiencies, as I'll always argue that Spurs would have failed to win those 24 games even if Bale didn't make an appearance in any given one of them. He was simply a victim of our medrocrity.

Also - welcome back Daws. I love you man. That big goofy smile. How can anyone not love him?

In the mean time, The Jig scored his fourth and Spurs goal number 5, sneaking the ball through the keepers legs and in off the post. A resounding two-finger salute to all the critics. This Keane is on fire.

Ok, so reality check, its Burnley and we should be winning these games regardless. But we've been here before many times and we've slipped up here many times. A more stern test up next away to Bolton - and one that will tell us far more than today's rout. But damn it, I'm going to celebrate the fact that we're moving onwards and upwards. 5 wins from 7 games. That's got my balls tingling and I ain't gonna scratch 'em.

So how do you define a good performance?

This was a good performance. We punished a side that played too much football and had very little bite. And we punished them good.

And a clean sheet.

Add to it Chelsea getting dicked 3-1 at Wigan. Pretty decent day.

The Strike-Force

The world is forever changing. And with it, so do the Astonishing S-Men.

Welcome to the next chapter.

With the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning set to be re-built along with a new School for the Ungifted, the worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation based in N17 is embracing a brave new world. White with streaks of yellow the uniform colours synonymous with the North London evolution in their continued battle with the Pundits and Keyboard Warriors, along with the ever present Sky Sports Four. There are enemies to be seen in every direction. These are troubled times. A time in need for heroes.

To make sure the competitive nature always remains at a high unparalleled level, a new special team has been put together to hurt the opposition and aid the progression of Professor L's Lilywhite agenda.


This is the S-Men. This is S-Men: Strike-Force.


Mr Triffic

Species: Manager.
Notable aliases: Houdini, The Twitch, The Escapist.
Team responsibility: Team leader and father figure. It's his role to select the attack formations and guide his men to victory. And hug. Plenty of arms around shoulders and tight tight hugging.
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another, using simple physic techniques with Hex commands, i.e. 'run around a lot and kick it in the net'. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration. Can alter reality with the words “Down to barebones” and "Two points, eight games" that results with an exceptional level of commitment and effort from his team.
Other strengths: Can summon back departed S-Men who have lost their way in the wilderness. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.
Footnote: It's said that his one weakness is The Brown Kryptonite, but there is no evidence to suggest of its existence and it's ability to corrupt him.
Quote: "You wouldn't hit a man with a twitch would you?"


The Jig

Species: Forward.
Notable aliases: The Windmill, Cartwheel, Shouty Pointy Man.
Team responsibility: The commanding officer of the Strike-Force. Deep cover agent, incognito, with the uncanny ability to dis-balance the oppositions defensive game-plan with subtle flicks and movements, leaving them in a dizzying state of fear.
Main abilities: Is able to transcend through space and time, allowing his essence to exist momentarily five seconds ahead of everyone else meaning he can drift and run into space that isn't yet available in the present. This may appear to leave his fellow S-Men in a state of confusion as they can't quite figure out where he is until he returns to the 'present'. The journey back is not deemed to be an easy one with the subsequent pain resulting with indistinguishable screams and flapping of arms. But his influence, invisible to the untrained eye, remains indisputable and without challenge.
Other strengths: Lighting fast arm reflexes with possible hypnotic undertones when waved around at high velocity speeds.
Footnote: In one of his darkest moments, having been brainwashed by the evil mastermind, The Waiter, The Jig's powers were practically decimated during his imprisonment, where he was tortured and humiliated week in week out by his sadistic keeper. Some say, since his return to Professor L's Institute, he has been irreversibly damaged by this damning experience leaving many to question why he is given the responsibility to lead the team.
Quote: "You wanna play with The Jig? Here, pick a pass!"


Defcon

Species: Striker.
Notable aliases: The Black Greaves, Flash, Pocket Dynamite, The Sex.
Team responsibility: The main outlet for decisive single-minded attacks. Only needs a second to render the opposition null and void with devastating strikes of power. Blink and you'll miss him - and then you'll regret it.
Main abilities: Is said to have been born with the chaos gene that allows him to run ragged any opposing defensive line placed in his path in the field of battle. Explosive burst of pace, power in feet, strength and determination - considered to be the poster-boy of the Strike-Force. There are whispers he is the illegitimate son of Mr Triffic, but the bloodline remains unproven.
Other strengths: Insatiable, lust magnet that has the women falling at his feet. Some say his skills in the bedroom are just as explosive as the fireworks he produces during missions. A trail of devestated women would suggest this to be the case.
Footnote: Is known to produce erratic displays when faced with his old time nemesis, The Offside Trap, who possesses the power to drag him back away from an attacking position, leaving him frustrated and ineffective.
Quote: "Here I am in your personal space so go ahead and open up"


The Interpreter

Species: Russian to English interpreter.
Notable aliases: The Man on the Touch-line.
Team Responsibility: He is best known as the Safekeeper of the Russian Ghost, better known to most as 'The Guardian of the Pavlyuchenko' - which is a mystic supernatural force descended from Russia. The 'Pav' has to be called upon using a secret calling, but can only appear for short periods of time. It's up to the Interpreter to make sure his transition into this world and subsequently into Strike-Force duty is one without difficulties.
Main abilities: The Interpreter is the only known person who is able to communicate with The Pav and is able to provide direct instructions to him, based on Mr Triffic's requirements.
Other strengths: The Pav himself is a mysterious entity, one that can be vital in situations that warrant desperate measures. But because of the fragile nature of his existence it's also deemed to be a risk to summon his presence in the midst of battle as its impossible to predict the impact he will have. The Pav is isolated and alone most times and has a somewhat apologetic nature as he struggles to adapt to this world, preferring the comfort of his true home, but at times does show glimpses of what he could do if he was permanently pulled from the netherworld into this one.
Footnote: The Interpreter and  Mr Triffic have unresolved issues and the relationship is strained meaning that The Pavs influence on the Strike-Force is growing weaker with each passing day. So much so that nobody is quite sure whether his presence, when called upon, would be detrimental to the team.
Quote: "No comment" (Interpreter) 
"Its time, to quote the vernacular, to Rock and Roll" (The Pav - translated from Russian)


Project 'Peter'

Species: Forward.
Notable aliases: The Robot, Rodney, The Tall One, Freak Boy.
Team responsibility: Plan B. Causes an altogether different type of problem by being difficult to defend against thanks to his unorthodox attacking flair which is disguised by his awkward stance.
Main abilities: Genetically altered human, part-man part-robot. The only part-machine member of the strike-force gives him an advantage over others during air attacks thanks to his height. Used routinely as a target/point man in emergency attack formations.
Other strengths: Can momentarily fly and guide missiles on target with devastating yet sublime precision. The robotic part of his brain is capable of stupendous mathematical calculations and processing power that he not only uses during his offensive duties but also socially, as he endeavours to 'fit into' a world where tall people with imbedded CPU's are dismissed as freaks. Peter was able to run a complex social discourse algorithm which covered off every possible question/answer scenario for a one-on-one discussion allowing for best possible selection to achieve the maximum success (with an estimated 0.0000000001% chance of failure) when attempting to find a female for mating purposes. He pulled Abbey Clancy on his very first calculation attempt. The algorithm rules.
Footnote: Great touch for a robot.
Quote:"0110110101111001001000000110111001100001011011010110010100100000011010010111
00110010000001110000011001010111010001100101011100100010000001101001001000000111011
10110000101101110011101000010000001110100011011110010000001100010011001010010000001
111001011011110111010101110010001000000110011001110010011010010110010101101110011001
000000110100001010"




Welcome to the future…Lilywhites.

The Astonishing Spurs Men

Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.

These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with inconsistent abilities which generally manifest themselves in games against lesser opposition.

Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).

The S-Men have been funded by the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, overseeing the training of young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect them from the evil that is the all-seeing Wengeto, the rich and brutal Head-Hunters and other threats like away games, hotel food and relegation.

Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, formally aided by the scouting super-computer Cerebrolli which helped him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their potential and their black and white forefathers.

This is...

T H E ~ S – M E N

“I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very good” – Jelverine

Professor L

Species: Chairman
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Master of Money, The Accountant
Abilities: Using mind control has the ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced merchandise and other clubs into giving him inflated amounts of money for unwanted members of the team. Memory manipulation via official club statements allows him to re-write past events and avoid prolonged backlashes when removing a manager. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of score draws and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. Inventor of The Foundation which is a weapon of mass destruction that is used to punish those who dare attempt to outsmart him. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.

The Escapist

Species: Manager
Notable aliases: Harry Redknapp, Houdini, Judas, The Tick
Abilities: The overseer of curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the complex mathematics of passing the ball from one white shirt to another. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Redknapp has altered reality with the three simple words “Down to barebones” on numerous occasions. However, the reality warp fades after a short time, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle before he can regain the power to muster up another realtity warp. Is also able to teleport from one location to the next in a blink of an eye.

Incapable

Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder, International class
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is also able to run with the ball at locomotive speeds in one direction and dance.

The Enigma

Species: Forward
Notable aliases: Darren Bent
Abilities: Instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness the moment he steps out on it thanks to the generation of magnetic fields used to manipulate the space around him so that he is constantly isolated and nowhere near the run of play. Can still muster up a goal from nothing, via a deflection/lucky bounce/poor back pass/off his shin.

Starjump

Species: Midfielder
Notable aliases: David Bentley, The New Beckham
Abilities: The pin up boy of the S-Men and a former member of The Arsenal Club. Can kick balls into rubbish tips from great distance. Has the ability of copying others who possess superhuman powers and abilities (David Beckham being the energy source he attempts to tap into). But possession of these astronomical abilities have yet to materialise other than one particular creative bomb launched from centre-midfield that silenced his former team-mates at the Emirates. Confident, assured and assertive off the pitch, non-existent on it. Does look good with hair highlights.

Jinxy

Species: Left-back, left-midfielder
Notable aliases: Gareth Bale, The Hoodoo
Abilities: Incredible 'bad-luck' through subconscious manipulation of quantum probability on the pitch. Signature weapon allows him to create a vortex that sucks all possibility of victory into it and sends it to oblivion forever.

Mercenary

Species: Fullback
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda, Shimbomba
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wanted to leave the S-Men, and found himself swaggering his way out of the Institute to Sunderland and then back again. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.

Flapper

Species: Goalkeeper
Notable aliases: Gomes, ffs
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. A master strategist and tactician at master-stroking a loss of at least 10 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’

Jerlverine

Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius, potentially world-class
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Recently went missing (was he injured or did he venture out in a mission of self-discovery?) allegedly returning to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.

Cumbersome

Species: Midfielder Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Requires healthy portions of Ketchup and mayo with his food to help retain abilities.

There we have it. The S-Men. There are others but this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the single ambition to succeed expectations.

Will they help avoid decimation and extinction?

Stay tuned to find out.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany. The precise moment was when Newcastle won a free-kick and Paul Robinson, chief architect, built a wall which he then inexplicable used to hinder his view. Everyone in the ground knew what was about to happen. It opened up and swallowed him.

This epiphany crystallised all that I could see before me. This was no longer White Hart Lane. The men in Lilywhite were no longer just ordinary men in shirts, shorts and socks. I could only stand back and marvel at the clarity of the truth that seemed to come out of nowhere like an optic blast, rendering me unconscious. And when I awoke, I could see everything for what it was.

Welcome to the Levy Institute for Mediocre Learning, formerly the Levy School for Ungifted Players. The worldwide headquarters of the S-Corporation.

These uncanny S-Men in their white and blue uniforms do not do anything by chance. They’re the result of a sudden back step in footballing evolution, latent with pathetic abilities which generally manifest themselves in most games post Carling Cup final.

Outsiders harbour an intense laughter fit for these Spurs players (Homo Inferiors), who are regarded by a number of TV pundits and message board users as the epitome of average and are thus widely viewed as a non-event threat-wise to the Big Four (© Sky Sports).

The S-Men have been funded by the the benevolent Professor Daniel Levy who has been at the helm of the academy for several years now, helping to train young over-priced players with exaggerated potentials with the misguided agenda to help protect themselves from Wengeto, the Head-Hunters and other such threats like away games and hotel food.

Professor L has what he believes to be an astonishing rota of Spurs players, aided by Cerebrolli which helps him detect over-rated players the world over. The S-Men flatter to deceive. Without spirit, guile and pride they ghost through 90 minutes, a shadow of their former Wembley glory and their black and white forefathers.

This is the...........

T H E ~ S – M E N

“I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very good” – Jermaine

Professor L

Species: Chairman
Notable aliases: Daniel Levy, The Bald King, The Master of Money
Abilities: Capable of increasing season tickets every year, consuming all the negative backlash, and still managing to sell-out all the seats in the ground. Has ability to manipulate the masses into buying over-priced club merchandise. Is able to exponentially fund the Institute with special DVD releases of victories over other clubs reserve teams and the £4000 coffee-table Opus. There's uncertainty over what his true agenda is.

The Special Juan

Species: Manager
Notable aliases: Juande Ramos, The 11 Club Man
Abilities: Oversees curricula and academic aspects, teaching the science of football and the mathematics of ‘scoring as many as we concede’. Capable of reality warping, manifested as probability alteration and magic; Ramos altered reality with three simple words “Make me dizzy”. Suddenly Spurs won silverware with the same crop of players that were failing miserably in the league. However, the reality warp has now faded, leaving him with an uphill struggle to once more achieve a miracle. His powers appear weak at the present moment. His leadership has also been questioned with his continued selection of the S-Men.

The Shit

Species: Goalkeeper and David James understudy
Notable aliases: Paul Robinson, England’s number six
Alter-ego: England’s Number, circa 2006
Abilities: Exquisite sense of footballing geometry, able to instruct defenders into positions that will near enough guarantee the ball to pass him into the back of the net. High sense of spatial awareness that allows him to position himself into impossibly stupid positions giving him no chance of getting the ball. Fires concussive long balls to forwards. Fires concussive force of abuse from mouth at everyone other than himself when looking to blame someone for another calamity. Has the uncanny ability to absorb confidence and turn it to shit. A master strategist and tactician at masterstroking a loss of at least 20 points per season down to his ability to create a goal out of nothing for the opposition.

Incapable

Species: Defensive Midfield
Notable aliases: Didier Zokora, Carrick Replacement, Holding midfielder
Abilities: Self absorption of own footballing skills through mere contact with other professional players, be it his own team mates or the opposition, and through simple contact with the ball. The longer on the pitch the longer Zokora retains the loss of his footballing skills. If he remains on the pitch long enough the absorption spreads to his fellow team members and results in team-wide failure. Because of his abilities, Spurs fans believe him to be cursed (see Carling Cup Final misses) as he involuntarily fucks up time and time again. This potentially fatal power prevents him from making true contact with the ball, hence the diabolical first touch. Is able to run with the ball in one direction and dance.

Messiah

Species: Creative Midfielder
Notable aliases: Adel Taarabt, Zidane II
Abilities: ‘World class’ (as defined by Spurs fans) mental footballing processing, including perfect footwork and the power to make the ball stick to his feet. Best suited for reserve games and the playground, rather than Premiership games which usually result with loss of possession, counter-attack and opposition goal. Part of the New S-Men group (which includes The False Prince Boateng, Danny Invisible Rose and Gareth Sicknote), hopes not to go the way of Blondel, Marney and Jackson who were all ousted from the Institute for being over-rated*.

*Shit.

The £8Million Man

Species: Unknown
Notable aliases: Younes Kaboul, future French international
Abilities: Great strength and stamina with the ability to become almost unstoppable while in motion. That’s unstoppable in the same way the ‘Keystone Cops’ were. Is able to create sheer panic and pandemonium in the stands simply by being in the starting line-up. Suggestions that he is in fact Timothee Atouba with a masking cloak has never been proved or disproved.

Mercenary

Species: Fullback
Notable aliases: Pascal Chimbonda
Abilities: Master thief, using his hypnotic charm into making others around him think he is a far better player than he is and thus getting minted with the aid of the illusion. No secret he wants to leave the S-Men, and is looking to marauder his way out of the Institute this summer. Has the ability to change the course of a football match by trying to dribble his way out of his own penalty area which results with the opposition gaining advantage.

Clumsy F*ck

Species: Defender, allegedly
Notable aliases: Michael Dawson
Abilities: Energy absorption and projection, which allows him to feed off others around him who posses actual ability. Otherwise, instinctively struggles to know present location on field and loses all sense of positional awareness. Ability to cause nausea, disorientation and unconsciousness - usually self-inflicted. Has comic awareness and forever ‘breaks the fourth wall’, as he smiles to the audience as they all ask ‘What the fuck are you doing now?’

The Sulk

Species: Forward
Notable aliases: Dimitar Berbatov
Abilities: Genius level intelligence, reflexes, coordination, balance and brain-speed with the ability to create something out of nothing....which is usually a disillusional strop or waving of hands around in disgust. Has telepathic abilities, but fails to project them onto others around him. Likes to meditate, usually during a game. This results with lack of tracking back and willingness to chase the ball down/win the ball back. Also has the ability to transcend to another plane. Some say the next time he does this it will be a plane to Manchester.

Jermaine

Species: Box-to-box Midfielder
Notable aliases: Jermaine Jenas, The Goldfish, Jenius
Abilities: Regenerative healing factor that allows him to be selected again and again and again and again. Strength, stamina, agility and reflexes in abundance but due to his jelly-laced skeletal structure is prone to disappearing on the field of play (not to be confused with invisibility). Simply fails to stand up when faced with true advisory. Also possesses retractable ‘claws’ otherwise known as his feet, which retract in one-on-one situations, penalty taking, retrieving second balls and crunching tackles. Has recently gone missing (in a mission of self-discovery some say) to return to the scene of the clandestine project in Nottingham which turns unwilling beings into footballers.

Cumbersome

Species: Midfielder
Notable aliases: Tom Huddlestone, The New Hoddle, The Future
Abilities: By far the most physically strongest S-Man. Ability to transform his body into immovable steel, granting him zero mobility and durability as he loses himself between the midfield and his own penalty area unable to defend or attack. Can pass the ball, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Can hit the ball ‘sweetly’, much like any other half decent midfielder is capable of. Other than that, no longer has Ketchup and mayo with his food.

Blingz

Species: Winger
Notable aliases: Aaron Lennon
Abilities: Runs really really fast. Shaved eyebrow. Ability to stick to the by-line until losing the ball or falling over. Also has talent to blend into the shadows of opposing defenders. Has been suggested he possesses the power to remain at the same point in space and time while everything and everyone around him progress, develop and move on.

There we have it. The S-Men. There are others in reserve. But this particular group are the endangered species. These S-Men are fighting for their very survival and self-respect with the aim to impress The Special Juan. Well, you'd think they would be, but after Sunday's performance you'd do right to think otherwise. Will they avoid decimation?

Stay tuned to find out.