I got Mila Kunis, but she's wearing a paper bag on her head

Chelsea 0 Spurs 0

From the match preview:

On our current form:

It's like a really crappy ground-hog day where you get stuck in the lift alone for hours on end with no means of escape rather than being stuck in the lift for hours on end with a flirty Mila Kunis.

What we seek:

The one repeated necessity that I've cited on a number of occasions during this spell of misery is that we need to somehow rediscover our fluency, our mojo. Be it from individualistic magic or a collective tenacity to dig out the result. Or alternatively, luck. Just a lucky break. Anything. It's not happened in the two games where we expected it to happen.

Sort of on the right track? Not exactly flirty seductive Mila Kunis. More Mila Kunis with a paper bag over her head. She's there, you know she's there you can see her and she can still do the type of things Mila can do but, well, the paper bag is getting in the way, masking her beauty. There needs to be more bite. Imagine seeing her bite her lips. Bite Mila, bite! If anything just bite your way through the paper bag. In conclusion, the paper bag needs to go.

We haven't quite recaptured our mojo but there was fluency, structure and some restored pride which are all welcomed returning ingredients that have ever so subtlety spiced up Spurs again. I'm pretty sure I also caught a glimpse of ye olde leadership.

A first half of containment and patience, although from a personal standpoint it felt a little risky even if Chelsea had no clear cut chances. There was still an element of uncertainty at the back for us. Going forward, we played to the smart counter but with no hefty impact. Until that is we were all  left staggered on the brink of half time wondering how we failed to score and go in at the break a goal up.

A full pelt uber-confident Spurs side would have pulled this Chelsea side apart but then that particular Spurs side is MIA. The current one dug deep and in the second half we added that extra bit of zest and urgency to our play. We had more possession and crafted more chances on goal. We even had a couple of half decent set-pieces. Towards the end of the game we not only looked more likely to score, we looked certain. That lucky break still deserting us for the moment meant it finished goalless.

I'm happy. I'm content with it. First half I was concerned about the ominous nature of the game, heavily congested midfield with not much down either flank. It was ugly, stuttery summed up with Redknapp barking orders to Sandro to sit rather than chase. Our set-up there to frustrate and stop Chelsea from functioning, so sure  the game was unspectacular for the most part but who cares about Sky Sports and the neutral viewer? Credit to Harry because in the second half the tempo was far better and also aided by the way the game slowly started to open up, which was an expected eventually after such a non-eventful start.

The manner in which our players grew with confidence was more than evident in the way we kept pushing forward. Adebayor worked hard, holding up the ball, doing everything a team player does and proving that he is of the ilk of forward that works in this system and works in a team that includes so many attack-minded players. Shame he scuffs his shots more often than not. When he rounded Cech, that should have been the 1-0. Second time I celebrated prematurely in the game (the first being when van der Vaart struck it with his opposite good peg in the first half). Story of our day along with the header from Bale striking the woodwork and the Gallas header from a decent set-piece (I didn't make that last bit up - a decent set-piece). Bale even had the audacity to get a dead ball kick on target, forcing a save.

Talking of Bale, this kid has not turned into a massive egotistical nutjob that thinks he's 'made it' and swans around disinterested and not bothering to do anything other than take on the world on his own. Thanks to our lack of depth on the flanks we can hardly rest him or attempt to rejuvenate which means he continues to play and perform on a half empty (not half full) tank. Probably not 100% physically either. When confident, you tend to be far more instinctive. He appears to not only spend too much time over-thinking but he's also making the mistake of over-compensating by doing too much when the simple ball is sometimes the best option. Get behind him, support him because he's not going to get dropped any time soon.

Having said all that, even a 60% Bale can be influential, and he was. Along with Modric who got better and more effective as the game got on. Gallas also a highlight (although one or two moments reminded me of the requirement to bolster the centre-pairing options for next season).

One step at a time and this is as good as any foundation to build on. Even if 0-0 doesn't look it and even though we shouldn't quite celebrate our full return to form just yet (remember, paper bag needs removing). Chelsea lucky on the day relying more on half-arsed penalty claims than anything else although Brad was beaten for the Mata free-kick (was that us getting lucky?).

There's life left in us for sure. But the games are now fast running out. We'd have taken fourth place at the start of the season. That is looking good what with further complacency unlikely after our three successive defeats/blip. No more margin for error. Been there done that, we now have to make sure we start winning at home (win all home games) and work as hard as we did today away. Third should still remain the target.

We're beginning to wake up from our slumber just in time for the up and coming frolics and twisty banter that will no doubt consume us up until May.

I want Mila Kunis

2-5
1-3
0-1
1-1

That's one point from four games. If we match that record in our next four games then we'll have two points from eight games. Has an endearing quality that. Feels like it belongs on a t-shirt. Can't quite put my finger on it though. I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before.

Okay, so hand on heart, I really can't be bothered to write a match report for the Chelsea game drowning in the same tactical must-haves and blah yadda ya because thanks to this non-productive run of games I'm having to repeat the same desires I lust for as a supporter from one aftermath to the next. We all know what it is we want from our team. What went missing at the Emirates is still missing four games on. It's sort of got better. Performance wise. Sort of. But the results have not. Not really. And the results are what remain paramount at this juncture of the season as we stare into the blank expression of the run-in. Nothing is quite set in stone yet. Time is still a commodity of worth. Only just.

How have we come to stand on the edge that might lead to either despair or glory?

1) Capitulation. Deserved defeat. Lost.
2) Played well, plenty of possession. Got taught a lesson in how to mug a team. Lost.
3) Disorganised but 'battered' them second half. Lost.
4) Statistically 'battered' them without really ever looking like overwhelming them and actually scoring. Managed to claw back a point from the jaws of defeat. Drew.

It's like a really crappy ground-hog day where you get stuck in the lift alone for hours on end with no means of escape rather than being stuck in the lift for hours on end with a flirty Mila Kunis.

The one repeated necessity that I've cited on a number of occasions during this spell of misery is that we need to somehow rediscover our fluency, our mojo. Be it from individualistic magic or a collective tenacity to dig out the result. Or alternatively, luck. Just a lucky break. Anything. It's not happened in the two games where we expected it to happen. Chelsea away is hardly the best place to hope it will perhaps make a surprise appearance. Because winning there (not as daunting an objective as any of the previous 22 years of mugged off visits) would switch confidence back on and we'll all marvel at how one result can change it all. We'll all scratch our heads as we witness the mentally fragile suddenly reclaim the required guile to once more go forth and conquer. Twenty-two years since we last won there. I know we don't pick our fixture list but sometimes it feels like we do.

If I shut my eyes real tight, I can see her

I'm under no illusions. Even a below par Chelsea side can cause a below par Spurs side on field headaches. The best cliché that suits this game is 'the team that wants it more will win it'. A draw would be a fine result. A win would be the important result.

Do you feel that? That eerie been here before feeling? I said I couldn't be bothered with a match report and I'm being dragged down by one.

Beyond this game, it's going to the wire, no matter the result on Saturday. Your soul has suffered aplenty in the past few weeks and it will continue to do so for a while yet.

From somewhere deep within, Tottenham Hotspur have to wake the **** up and start playing the way we know they can. The way they know they can. Lose the apologetic shrugs. I don't buy into  all this rhetoric about burn out and egos and losing focus. It's the same group of players. Pound for pound the best midfield in the country? Prove it then. Make the season counts for something. Start treating the situation with the type hunger and spirit it deserves.

Christ sake, there I go again. I'm turning into the same match preview for the fifth time in succession. I'm back in the lift. Stuck between floors. The emergency alarm doesn't work. It's ground-hog day and the inevitable conclusion to it will no doubt be waiting for me when the lift plummets down several floors to the basement and I'm left wondering why I ever walked into it in the first place.

This is not a good place to be. There is no Mila Kunis to keep me company. Even if by some miracle she did appear she'd probably morph into Meg from Family Guy. But hold up, I'm not alone any more. It's Harry. Harry Redknapp is in the corner. He's giving an interview about the England job to the lifts broken intercom.

Someone please help me. I need help.

The pear-shaped cockerel will crow again

I'm still sick. My immune system, as dependable as a Brazilian goalkeeper suffering from bouts of aphephobia on any given weekend. If it wasn't enough having Death sat in the corner of my bedroom reading Playboy and periodically tapping the face of his wrist-watch, my problems are compounded. The old girl has pneumonia and I'm having to reorganise time I don't have to fit in all the other pockets of bane in my life to avoid a complete meltdown. In addition to all this drama I'm now experiencing disturbing nightmares, terrorised in my subconscious by a returning Adel Taarabt ghosting around White Hart Lane, tricking and flicking himself to a brace of goals and as many assists. I wake up screaming every night.

These are difficult times.

There isn't a match report of the Chelsea debacle because I was lost in the depths of depression at the time with football hardly at the forefront of my mind and a television nowhere in sight. Not to say I want sympathy for my Easter break that had more cracks in it than a Cadburys egg. Retain your apologies and group hugs for our rather limp run-in which has seen us surrender any genuine chance of reclaiming a Champions League spot.

Is it overly dramatic to suggest that we've surrendered it? I don't think so. I do appreciate that there are certain dynamics to arguing and debating why it's all gone pear-shaped based around the lack of forward activity in the Jan transfer window, the inconsistency with formation and tactics and one or two other plausible post-mortems. In a nutshell, you could sum it all up by perhaps siding with the uncomfortable realisation that we - Tottenham Hotspur, players and manager - gave it all up by making  repeated fundamental mistakes.

This flaw in our grand design simply one that pertains to the fact we have defeated ourselves. Over and over again.

The reason the dynamics here are ambiguous is because, say for example; Arsenal could suggest if they had a decent goalkeeper and more cohesiveness at the back and perhaps took their chances they'd still be in the hunt for silverware. They are, according to their manager, so close.

Which is what we are. Had we a keeper who wasn't prone to making big mistakes at key moments. Had we a genuine world class striker. Had we retained more consistency and structure across our formation. Had we not allowed errors in officiating consume us psychologically. This isn't on the basis of our last game. Generalisation of hope lost.

So close, yet so far.

In both cases (us and the enemy), the problems might be apparent and obvious and almost feel like a final piece of the jigsaw only needs to be slotted in to complete it, but that final piece is somewhere under the sofa and nobody is bothering to push it aside and reach into the dustballs to find it.

We are close. But we are still some way off. Because signing a new keeper or a new forward and deciding on a set formation - these are missing pieces (rather than a single piece) to the puzzle and once it's complete there's no point leaving it on the table gathering dust until it's broken up and placed back into its box for someone else to solve.

Supeglue the sonofab*tch and frame it on the wall for everyone to admire. Because even with the right players and tactics, the glue that binds it altogether is still required for its final decisive completion.

Arsenal still have issues with choking and only when the pressure is off do they turn it on (see their 1-0 win over Utd). With us, perhaps it's complacency or attitude adjustment. It's all about the glue. Sellotape just wont do the job.

That extra spark of something has to be drilled into the players, that desire and hunger, that necessity to be better. Better than the rest.

Yes, it's quite disconcerting to see us drop down to 6th. Doesn't feel right does it? But then the past 15 years haven't exactly been kind to us. Not to say that just because we've had erratic progress and transitions upon transitions that it's okay for us to accept this seasons almost certain failure as one of those things and we'll be back and we'll be stronger for it.

Sure, look at the positives but it still has to be deemed an unacceptable resolution to 2011 because how else do you make sure the squad retain unity of belief and ambition and drive them forward?

We should still look to win all our remaining games. It's a lull, it's a poorly timed one (is there any ilk that's planned?) and its even one we might have got through just about okay had we not dropped all those points against 'weaker' opposition earlier in the season. But the reason we dropped those points is because we've not been good enough across several games domestically.

Not that I'll admit to defeat until its mathematically impossible. So looking ahead, what do we do?

The club has to retain its spine. The club, no matter the competition, needs to be in Europe.

We need to be decisive about the future of Woodgate and King. We have to clear out players who do not have a place as part of the squad and bring in the loaned out players that do. Sign a competitive alternative to Gomes to sharpen competition for the number one jersey. We need that forward. Dare I say we need two new forwards, with spare parts gone as part of the clear out.

Tactically, Redknapp - if stays for one more season - has to accommodate a change in his own agenda. Not a clue whether the England job is going to happen for him. No one is going to argue he looks after number one, has his own set of personal priorities and is very much a media PR manipulator and man-manager who perhaps does lack that killer killer instinct but has proved (to a certain extent) that he can also deliver. He might be self-centred, but it has still benefited us.

He has delivered, the hard way, rather than in any overly dominating fashion. Stats don't lie although they do disguise certain failings. Regardless, Harry has done a good job. What he needs to do is an outstanding one.

Very few, hand on heart, would disagree that we should have done, should be doing, far better than we are. At least that's the general consensus. But then this season has seen similar discussions with the other top tier clubs also wondering why they've not taken it by the scruff of the neck.

It's no easy task fighting for a top four place. There's a buzz about Spurs. Would be a shame to lose it. Long term, Levy should probably start working on that contingency plan. This club has to be in good nick when it's handed over to the next coach.

Perhaps our evolution does require another season of growing before we step up a further level. If there is to be no Champions League qualification this season then let there be a relentless fight for it next season. Because anything less will not be good enough.

Running up that hill

So there stood the general with his army at the foot of the hill. Memories of a past glory in battle which was fought gallantly and won. Having returned to reclaim the land for a second time, his tired troops look up at the steep hill and frown. For it's not an easy task to climb and fight and then stand at its peak victorious, then do it all again.

Their foes, they are more prepared this time. The element of surprise, no longer a factor.

"Onwards we shall charge", the general commands.

Dissent in the ranks.

"Onwards? Charge? Again? Why can't we just go around the hill? Then come up the other way and surprise them? Fight from the top and push them back down", say the tired troops.

"We don't have enough men to do that", some say to each other.

"We don't have the right type of men", some dare to whisper.

"Onwards!" Screams the general.

"This just about worked last time, we've been stuck at the foot of the hill all year, it's too late. We should have attempted something different from the offset. They can see us coming", say the tired troops, dismissing their generals strategic know-how.

"Onwards! Let us claim what we deserve!" The general commands as he begins to lead his men forward on horseback.

And onwards they march, for they are soldiers and they obey their orders.

Once more. Running up that hill, battle cry from all.

And if they were to be pushed back once more by the barbaric hordes that await them then surely the general will admit defeat and return to the foot of the hill and await for reinforcements from the emperor. And then perhaps another tact will have to be embraced to once more reclaim the land and plant the flag of victory in it's peak.

The hill will always be there. The fight will always be a tough one. And if it's been done before, it can be done again. Perhaps next time, by taking no prisoners.

Onwards.

Is the wrong way the right way?

For arguments sake (we all know it's fantasy) let's say someone outside the current Top 4 manages to gatecrash one of the CL positions, sneaking in and remaining there not just for a single cameo season but for several years. Cementing their place as one of the Sky Sports favourites.

Obviously, with this new-founded success comes various welcoming bonus additions courtesy of eager to please referees, the suddenly soft-hearted FA and the usual drivel from the media that aids their stature further.

Let's say it happened to us (stop laughing).

Do we start to embrace a team of c*nts, justifying every obvious cringe-making cheat ethic as something that's a necessity? You need to be arrogant and you need to be hypocritical. Add to the mix thousands of glory hunters joining the ranks doing their utmost to prove they are loyal fans and have been since the beginning of time by wearing various assortments of club merchandise including three scarfs and a tracksuit, preferring to savour the moment via snapshot on their mobile than share true emotion that comes with a goal celebration.

I'm wondering, is there any hope of bucking the trend?

There was another stand out moment for me in the Chelsea v Spurs game, other than that penalty decision that did not go our way. It's a two-parter, with the first part starring Drogba. You might know him from various football incidents such as 'My losing battle with gravity' and 'Losing Gravity II - Gravity wins again'.

The Drog, dying on the ground, is left there while Spurs move forwards with the ball. Chelsea fans protest at their crippled brethren who is desperate for treatment meaning the good attacking position attained results with the ball kicked out of play. Keane doing the 'right thing' even though it's up to the ref to stop the game. Play resumes and Spurs do not receive the ball back. Part two sees Ledley King turn and fall to the grown in agony, pulling up knowing full well he wont be getting back up again to take part in the game. So what do Chelsea do? They continue with their attack and almost steal in with a goal.

Of course, some might point out the goal scored in the 2006 season at Highbury where two gooners crashed into each other and Spurs played on with Davids playing in Keane for 1-0. Play acting on the part of both of the Arsenal players. But a true wannabe Top 4 reaction from Spurs.

"Fuck 'em"

More of the same please in future. No point waiting to get into a CL position. Just play like you're there already.

Ta.