How to destroy Tottenham Hotspur

Meeting Room 666


Death - Settle down people.

<ring tone is playing 'California Gurls' by Katy Perry>

Pestilence - Sorry, I'll stick it on silent.

Death - War, please take the minutes. Famine, if you can run through the PowerPoint slides please.

Famine - As you can see from this graph we've maintained some consistency with productivity post-February. Every interjection was arguably a success.

War - Can you elaborate?

Famine - Sure. The England debacle. Chris Foy. Distracting Jermain Defoe with the laser pen at Eastlands. The capitulation at the Emirates. The phantom goal at Wembley. The dithering at Villa away. We have done everything in our power to dismantle Tottenham's season. We wiped away the ten point gap and yet here we are. One game left in the Premier League and they might still capture 3rd spot. And if they don't, there's still the question of the Champions League final to decide their fate. If we don't achieve our goals then our mid-year review will affect our overall bonus percentage and budget.

Pestilence - Budget?

Famine - Yes. We'll have to cut back on free fruit in the lounge area.

War - Ha.

Famine - Ha what? What is it? What do you have to say?

War - Just saying.

Famine - Just saying what? Go on then, say it. Your smug smile isn't painting us a complete picture of whatever it is that amuses you so much.

War - Well, firstly, you're using Comic Sans font for a PowerPoint presentation? Really? It's hardly the most professional of choices. And no matter how many swirly little animations you stick in there, no one is impressed with that ****, it's cheap and it's gimmicky. Secondly, this would not have happened if Harry Redknapp wasn't appointed in the first place. I warned you all. I told you to best leave it alone let, it fester, but you just had to hammer that final nail into the coffin.

Death - At the time it was the most appropriate thing to do. Spurs were bottom of the league and making sure Redknapp got the job was to consolidate their position, relegate them not save them. Nobody thought he'd save them.

War - Yeah, but he did. He did save them. They've been going in the wrong direction ever since.

<Door to meeting room opens>

Grim Reaper - Hello. Oh sorry, this isn't the yoga class is it?

Pestilence - Two rooms down the hallway to your left.

Grim Reaper - Cheers dude.

<Door closes>

Faminie - Akwaaaaaard.

Death - Lazy personification. I thought that wacko transferred out of here last month?

Faminie - Nah. He's banging the chick from HR. Have you seen his scythe recently? Rust covered.

War - Is the chick Betty?

Faminie - Yeah.

War - Daaaamn. Wouldn't mind tapping that. Her rack is majestic. I could declare nuclear war on those ti...<interrupted>

Death - Okay thanks, can we get back to the little matter of Tottenham please? So, let's agree the past is the past. What now? There are three games left, one involving Spurs, one involving Arsenal and then there's the game with Chelsea. What do we do to settle this? This project has to be done and dusted within a week and closed off until after the summer. We have to be decisive, we have to be ruthless. Brain storm people, conceptualise please. We've got ten minutes to wrap this up.

Pestilence - I'm thinking Italian again. Perhaps a spaghetti with meatballs dish or a vegetable Risotto?

Death - No. Won't work. They're at home to Fulham. No hotel.

War - I can visit Luka Modric on the eve of the game disguised as his football agent. A transfer request might do the trick.

Death - That's booked in for after the Euros. We've got a gentlemens agreement with the Daily Mail to break that story then.

War - The Daily Mail again? They make my skin crawl.

<Door to meeting room opens>

Dracula - Yoga class?

Death - Nope. Further down on your left.

Dracula - Thanks.

<Door closes>

Famine - How about Jermaine Jenas?

Death - He's injured.

Famine - I can un-injury him.

Death - There's a difference? The fifth horseman is better kept in sleeper mode.

Pestilence - Seriously, you need to taste this vegetable Risotto. Taste it and it will make you bleed worms out of every pore in your body.

Famine - Enough about the Risotto already!

Pestilence - Hey, it's not my fault you've been on the Atkins for two thousand years. I keep telling you to try that milkshake diet, but do you listen? No.

Famine - Don't judge me.

Death - I think you look good.

Famine - Thanks. What about this suit? Does my bum look big in it?

Death - You could turn a waterfall into a dessert with those hips.

<Door to meeting room opens>

Santa Claus - Hello, I'm looking for...

Pestilence - Down the hall way.

Santa Claus - Thank you kind sir.

<Door closes>

War - Nice chap. Him and Rasputin make a mean badminton pair. Any ways, moving on, maybe we shouldn't bother doing anything.

Pestilence - What?

War - Let's not do a single thing with Tottenham themselves. Let's think outside of the box.

Death - Explain more.

War - No matter what we try, it doesn't do enough to kill them off. They're still biting away at the ankles of success. So, what if we don't do anything to them.

Pestilence - Not sure I see the pragmatism in that.

Famine - I think I understand. We let them balls it up on their own?

War - No, no. These are not the glory years of the mid-90s to early 2000s. I'm saying that their destiny is elsewhere. Control their destiny, we control them.

Death - We've always had direct interference with this lot. Ever since we took on the contract. Remember the Holsten shirts in the 87 Cup Final? My work.

Famine - So we do what then?

War - Leave it to me. I'll make sure we're all swinging on hammocks this summer with Pimms in hand.

Pestilence - Where are you going?

War - I need to go get approval for company travel. I'll keep you all posted.

The summer of 2004

<Ding dong>

<door opens>

Marton Fulop - Hello.

War - Hey. How you doing buddy? Need a moment of your time.

Marton Fulop - You're not selling double glazing are you?

War - Ha, ha, no. What would you say if I told you I could change your life?

Marton Fulop - I'd be sceptical.

War - I'll make you an offer you can't refuse.

Marton Fulop - What did you say your name was?

War - Damien. Damien Comolli. I'll like to sign you for Tottenham. This will be the greatest and most important decision in your life.

WBA v Arsenal, last game of the season, 2012 season

Marton Fulop - Twelve clubs. Twelve flipping clubs. None to call home. What has my career amounted to? This. Deputising again. I'm going to be released after this game. Why do I even bother?

<Goal Arsenal>

Marton Fulop - Ooh look it's the ball, who cares. La la la la la.

<Goal Arsenal>

Marton Fulop - Why did I ever come to England? Christ, I'm bored. Why do these idiots keep running towards me? Leave me alone, I want to be left alone.

<Goal Arsenal>

Facetime conversation

Death - Nice work on the WBA game.

War - Thanks.

Death - How was Ben Foster handled?

War - Contractor.

Death - You going to Munich?

War - Don't have to.

Death - You don't?

War - Derren Brown is a good friend of mine.

Death - He is?

War - We frequent the same wine bar. He owed me a favour.

Death - And this favour is?

War -  Done. When it kicks in, Tottenham's dream will be over.

Death - Great, great. We'll catch up on Sunday. I've got to go. Got Steve Kean on the other line. It's going to be a difficult call, he wants to know if we've got any alternative jobs going. The bloke won't leave me alone. Seriously, his face around here? It just wouldn't fit in.

War - I'm with you, his face looks like death warmed...er...er...*cough*

Death - Warmed up? I look nothing like him! Jesus Christ, all this money spent on botox and still nobody ever says 'hey, hi, wow, you look great, you had some work done recently?' I'm a good looking bloke, damn it!

War - I think my wi-fi connection is about to go down. There it is. It's gone.

Champions League Final. Bayern Munich dressing room. Pre-match.

Jupp Heynckes - Okay, quiet down, quiet down. We need to focus, play our game and...and...my head...feels strange...yes, so we play our game...and...and...

Robben - You okay boss?

Jupp Heynckes - I...I...yes. Fine.

Robben - Boss?

Jupp Heynckes - I...I...I'm fine. Right then. Now...let's get out there and run around a bit and kick the ball, alright? Triffic. I want the midfielders to midfield and the wingers, you can wing it but if you want to roam you can roam. You lot, whatchamycallits, defenders, right? You lot play at the back and the strikers, I want you to score goals. Get up there, get in there and aim for the sticks. Lovely stuff. Win this and we're in the Champions League next season.

Robben - You sure you okay boss?

Jupp Heynckes - Yeah, just need to stick a tenner on a gee gee at Newmarket and I'll be sorted. Now get out there and do 'em proper. This is as good as you've ever had it. Up the Spurs !

<Jupp places arms around Robben>

Jupp Heynckes - Now then...

Robben - Yes boss?

Jupp Heynckes - If we get any penalties I want you to take 'em. Don't get nervous. Just think to yourself, what would my Sandra do?

N17, White Hart Lane, The chairman's office

Daniel Levy - Another glass?

Harry Redknapp - Pour away.

Daniel Levy - It's a vintage year this.

Harry Redknapp - The bottle or the season?

<laughter from both>

Harry Redknapp - Happy St Totteringham's day.

Daniel Levy - It's getting more difficult to achieve with each passing year.

Harry Redknapp - So what's the plan for the next one? Do you want me to pull the same stunt again?  You do know it's far more difficult to lose ten points than it is to gain them? A lot of work goes into botching things up.

Daniel Levy - You've done a sterling job Harry. I know I've said it a dozen times but the Gareth Bale free roaming thing? Genius, just genius.

Harry Redknapp - Triffic isn't it? Thought of it on the bog. Risky though. I mean, there was so much I could do and had Chelsea lost to Bayern...

Daniel Levy - I know, I know. We appear to have been blessed with luck. A substantial amount of it. It's almost like someone or something is...I don't know, it's like the Gods are on our side. Olive?

Harry Redknapp - Don't mind if I do. So, next season? You still want the same type of thing?

Daniel Levy - We'll see. Luka will be sold soon. I'll give you £3M tops from the transfer earnings for new players to be signed on loan, aged between 33-37. And to further retain the lack of long term stability on the pitch and to have a ready made excuse again for when it all goes belly up, allow me to introduce to you our new summer transfer window signing...You can come in now...

Joey Barton - Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. Oh, wherever he has gone, I have gone...

Harry Redknapp - Should I give him the captains armband now or later?

Previous chapters:

The Four Horsemen of the Spurcalypse

We're going to remove Harry Redknapp once and for all

The Blame Game

AC Milan for losing a three goal lead
Liverpool FC for being responsible for the CL rule to be written in the first place
UEFA's bureaucracy
Levy and the moneyball transfer tactic
John Terry, we know what you are
Fabio Capello for not caring what John Terry is
The FA's dithering appointment process and blatant ambiguity and flirting
The English press being utterly obsessed with HR
HR for being utterly obsessed with HR
Chris Hoy
Chris Toy
Even Chris Foy
Jermain Defoe's short legs
The heart operation
The court case
Lady Luck completely abandoning us and preferring to lift her skirt up for degenerates instead
The lost footballing basics - lack of rotation, lack of focus, lack of doing what Bill Nicholson would have done
Too much dithering on the touch line
The London Underground
Mario Balotelli
The ball boy at QPR
Countless disallowed goals
Howard Webb just because
Martin Atkinson and phantom goals
Marton Fulop's 'botheredness'
Glory hunting nubreed post-CL début plastic Spurs 'faithful' that think success is served up on a plate
Andre Villas-Boas for giving Terry and Chelsea players 'massive chip on shoulder'
Napoli for not taking their chances
Barcelona for not taking their chances
Real Madrid for choking
Drogba
Bayern Munich for not taking their chances and resembling Spurs
Spurs for being the only club capable of losing a cup final they weren't even playing in
Football for hating on Tottenham
Quantum physics
The Boogie

 

Berbatov

So Dimi, was going on strike at Spurs really worth it? So you've got the odd medal and an animated gif or two of some tasty skills. But where's yo swagger at playa? The grass was was never greener than it was in that first season at Spurs. But then we all know that first season was simply your audition for the move to Old Trafford. Can't blame anyone for chasing a dream. But some dreams are nothing more than awakenings.

In other news, Hazard is due to announce the club of choice post-match this evening live on tv (in France). The assumption is it's Utd rather than City. I'm opting for the nWo after he hits both representatives with a chair and leaves the ring with two hot ladies either side of him.

Congrats

Congrats to CFC. You'll always have the memory of Bayern's shocking finishing and a massive racist with pulled up socks lifting the cup.

That's it. Everything I've had to say can be found on my Twitter timeline.

Shut up, sit down, do as we tell you to

Claude: "How's the renovation going?"
Oswald: "Great. The loft conversation is done, we're having the back garden landscaped"
Claude: "BBQ?"
Oswald: "Of course. Once it's completed we'll be having a house warming"
Claude: "You massive show off you"
Oswald: "I know. Keeps the wife happy. You still going to the Bahamas this summer?"
Claude: "Yes. Booked up. Two glorious weeks. Really looking forward to it"
Oswald: "We've decided on the Canary Islands"
Claude: "Again?"
Oswald: "Creature comforts"
Claude: "Is that the new...?"
Oswald: "Yes. It's a Blackberry"
Claude: "Looks lush"
Oswald: "That's because it is"
Claude: "I'm holding out for the next Galaxy"
Oswald: "What you got currently?"
Claude: "The current Galaxy. But the next one will be better"
Oswald: "Oh look. I think something has happened"
Claude: "Where? Oh yeah. They appear to be running back to the half-way line"

Rupert: "Excuse me. Yes, you two. Can you please keep the chitter chatter to a minimum. Tone it down a touch. I'm trying to critique the match here. Can you not see I'm writing some notes?"

Steward: "Chaps. If you persist with this behaviour I will have to escort you out of the ground. Read the warnings on the back of the seats. Use sign language if you're going to banter"

Claude/Oswald: "Sorry"

Claude: <So did someone score?>
Oswald: <Not sure. I've got an app on my phone. I'll have a look>

Valentine: <Excuse me, yes you two. Can you perhaps sign language a little less aggressively please. I'm feeling faint, you're making me dizzy with all your animated hand gestures. This is a football match you know>

Björk: Shhh!



The future of football. Shut up, sit down, do as we tell you to. That's not even the mantra of the powers that be. According to the powers that be, some fans are already making themselves comfortable in their seats, not wishing to participate in the games atmosphere but preferring to sit back and watch as though they are witnessing opera or ballet. Each to their own. No doubt it's your prerogative how you wish to soak it all in at a game. But if you want to watch in silence, do you have the right to define everyone else's experience to match your dainty bubble? Why is the minority so all consuming?

The club will never allow the drum back into White Hart Lane or the new stadium. For me, it's not even about the drum any more. It's about what the drum stood for. Freedom of expression. We continue to be marginalised by the club and according to Spurs, we appear to also be marginalised by some of our own. Other supporters have allegedly written to the club to say they oppose the drum and it's fake plastic beats and that it's an unnecessary distraction and they do not approve of the noise.

Football fans not approving of noise? Surely this is satire? Football fans complaining about other footballs fans and the manner in which they wish to demonstrate their love for the team. Must be satire.

You might think it's hypocritical that I'm saying its okay for 'us' to make noise and that we are imposing on those that do not wish to stand/sing/chant/scream/drum. But get this. Football might be this overly policed entertainment package that costs an arm and a leg to go to but the very essence of its existence remains tribal and we have a right to fight for that freedom of expression. If you don't like the noise, try the sofa. Last time I blogged about this someone told me that they no longer go to Spurs wishing to stand and sing and preferred to watch seated with their son/daughter. I'll let you work out the contradiction and hypocrisy in that statement.

If you wrote a letter to THFC complaining about the drum/noise, please get in touch. I've got my opinion, I've shared it. I'd like to give you a platform to share yours.

If anyone has positive stories about the drum to share, please email spursdrum @ gmail.com. He's compiling some to send to the club to counter the negative stories they have received. Doubtful the club will share their stories.

Lasagne > Fulop

Only Spurs can witness their season end only to have it extended to wait to see if fourth spot translates to Champions League football. No lasagne this time, just Martin Fulop. Would have preferred the lasagne in goal to be honest, stronger backbone.

Mission accomplished then with a top four finish but then not quite job done and not quite what we had planned when you go back to the hedonistic days that came before the month of February. At one point we flirted with a title push. It's been some season. In the end it feels like we've let ourselves down but only because of those standards set early doors. We should have achieved so much more than what we've been left with. What we've been left with ain't too shabby but in context, it's bitter sweet and hard to swallow. What we have is an agonising wait for another football match to play out before we look to book tickets for the continent.

At the very start of the season I'm not sure many believed a top four place was going to be easy to achieve. Remember the back end of last season? Most wanted Harry gone after our league form slumped. Thanks mainly to other teams faltering and us pelting it, you can now nod approvingly to the suggestion that we should have done better because of the position we found ourselves in. But then when you strip away all the hype and you admit to the defiances of the squad, the mismanagement of loaned players along with the variety of outside interference that hogged the headlines from riots to heart operations to court cases to the England job...we've done as good as a team managed by Harry Redknapp can do. He found himself in a position he's never been in before and he fluffed it. A little more bravery and astuteness here or there from the gaffer might have seen us capture the odd lucky point to secure that 3rd spot even with the blip playing out the way it did. The crux is, can he learn from his mistakes at such a grand stubborn age?

No matter our ambitions before the start of the season, we've under achieved when you take into account how much the top tier of the Prem has opened up and invited us in to attack it. We've played some fantastic stuff but we have proved to be a side that only truly works when everyone is available and fit to play. Redknapp struggled too often with the pressures of rotation and tweaking strategy and catering for growth (Bale and the left flank and roaming the perfect example of losing control). Other clubs might complain they had their fair share of injuries and lack of depth issues with squad. Fact is, Harry and the players lacked the guile at vital moments that have proved to be costly. We had a 13 point lead at one point, that's Harry's doing. I'm not ignoring that. But it's also his doing that we lost that lead. I'm also not going to ignore the fact that a few seasons back we finished mid-table below West Ham United. We now compete season in and season out but that cutting edge is still required to make it all a little less nervy. I'm sure we wouldn't be complaining too much about a 4th place finish had Barca had beaten Chelsea in the semi-final. If WBA had a better keeper between the sticks would you have forgiven Harry for all the fluffs? Probably not, right? Because if we had finished in 3rd one point ahead it still doesn't change the fact that we slumped post-Feb. Either way, it's been harder than it should have been. We also lost ownership of a hashtag. The shame.

Still, little old Spurs with their 36k stadium and wage cap are once more sitting in one of the CL places (caveat: German club that needs to do us a favour). Next season we have to be prepared to build on this season's platform keeping in mind that one or two clubs that might believe themselves to have under achieved might come back with less of a brittle spine for the 2013 season. But even if they improve, if we do so to, they'll be worried as much about us as we would be about them.

We need to fix up in key areas during the summer months. Early business and not last minute. Redknapp also has to drop the 'it's as good as we've ever had it' defeatism. Although that's unlikely. He thinks and lives in the short term. Would be nice for him to tell us it's disappointing we've not finished higher and that next season we'll aim to do so. Not likely. But that's the crux of the problem I have with him and his lack of consistency with us. Nobody cares that we sat in mid-table below West Ham four or so seasons back. It's the here and now that matters, the present day. The past is the past and we need to be led into the future with relentless hunger to better ourselves. Aim high. Always aim high.

To do so, little Spurs have to play big. Since our last top four finish we've spent £16M compared to Arsenal (£64.7M), United (£80.3M), Liverpool (£132.9M), Chelsea (£160.4M) and City (£212.7M). Impressive yeah? But we need to do more than just survive in their company. We need to be able to bully them. Get on it Levy.

I'm repeating myself now. Lucky I completed my end of season review ('The regression of Harry Redknapp's Tottenham') already. Everything I've got to say is in there.

I can now look forward to all the ITK nonsense that is about to explode in our faces. I didn't give them much stick last couple of windows so I might need to allow the therapy to consume me as the alternative is to follow England in the Euro's and that is one ugly alternative.

The end of season finale (ep 43) of The Fighting Cock podcast will be recorded on Wed, out Friday.

Onwards.

Is this the bit where I'm meant to brick myself?

Here we go then. This might just be fun. Although if Woolwich are dicking WBA early on, attention will soley be on attaining 4th until we switch onto Champions League final night to discover our fate. A variety of permutations, a textbook Tottenham end to the season. Admit it, there is no other way with us. Get ready to have that heart ripped out of your chest once more. With any luck it will be thrown back in and patched up in time for a post-match drink and smile.

I remember 2006 very well. More than I care to. I was in the depths of my depression at the time and football was key to the pretence I kept up when in public, which was basically only to go to football games or work (before I was signed off for my 'sabbatical'). Something I have joked about since concerning that period of time was the fact that when I returned home from Upton Park having witnessed us puke away our chances of a top four place, I proceeded to eat (a pizza) and later that evening experienced one of the worst bouts of food poisoning I've ever had. Knocked me out for a day. Kick a man when he's down.

No pizza for me this weekend and no Lasagne for Spurs in yet another final day of explosive emotives. Bit different this time round. It's not in our hands like it was that fateful day in 2006. Mind the gap? The gap? We fell into it and even though our olde enemy has given us an unexpected lending hand to lift us back up, we've managed to slap it away more times than I care to mention. Yet they have persisted in attempting to drag us back up. No puke, plenty of choke all round. Everyone wants it, no one is taking it.

No matter how the table looks at full time across the country on Sunday, there has hardly been that much in it across the course of the season. Between all the clubs up there, each one has its own set of unique frailties and strong points. Everyone has work to do in the summer. There might have been a points gap but there is hardly one in terms of quality and application. If there is a single point in it at the very end, you'll wonder about all the disallowed goals and the dropped home points and the unexpected away defeats. But don't bother. Won't change a thing. I can only speak for us and it's been discussed a thousand times, but we've been wasteful aided by a numerous amount of reasons ranging from tactical to outside distractions. It's like any season, there will always be regrets. Much like our competitors will argue the very same thing. Some valuable lessons learnt, 2013 is another season.

For now, all I ask for is a strong Spurs performance and three points. If its meant to be it will be. The irony is not lost that it's Martin Jol returning to the Lane. A man in our hearts, a man with Tottenham in his heart. A man that probably wouldn't share a hug with our chairman any time soon. No Dempsey for them. In addition some very pro-Spurs comments pre-match from big Martin. We're also unbeaten at home for an age in London derby games, and so on. I hate all the build up, it screws with the head. I'll probably gorge on re-heated pizza if we managed to lose and Woolwich dropped points to WBA.

Onwards Spurs. I love you so much you crazy cockerel. Echo of glory please.

Christ, what a season it's been. More of the same next year please, just keep the blips to a minimum. Ta.

Taking back what belongs to us

I'm looking forward to the summer. I can slowly work towards awakening my sleepy spirit from the narcoleptic nightmare that is modern day football. I've allowed myself to be consumed by expectation. It's not something that's happened over night. It's been a natural progression, one that I've been completely aware of. But in allowing it to play out, I've confused sentiments. Bill Nicholson would want to see Spurs at the very top of their game, competing and challenging, playing the football we were born to play without sacrificing tradition. He'd want us to aim high. Which is something I've been doing. It's something we all do. We've always wanted more, we've always believed. We even believed during dark times when there was next to no chance of our dreams coming true. There is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve. Being reserved, bottling it in or not wishing to show raw emotion is no way for a football fan to live his or her life.

That desire drives the club forward. The supporters are the fuel.

The club you support chooses you and you follow with undying loyalty regardless of league, stature or success (although there's always been a trend with some to cherry pick a team themselves based on what will make them look good and feel good). Regardless of how it comes to be, you support the greatest club in the world and nothing will change that. Ask any fan anywhere in the world. Football at its best is beautiful and brings you joyful pleasure as good as any high you get from sex or illegal substances or more natural highs like being in love or seeing the birth of your child. Even when it's painful, it's good. It makes you appreciate what you've got, it makes you love your chosen club even more. Makes you want to fight in spirit and song and support harder. It's pride, it's tribal. It's the most glorified of all escapisms. So much so it then transcends escape and becomes life.

During those dark days we still had our moments. And when you come out of the wilderness to taste glory, be it one particular game or one piece of silverware, it's more than enough. The chase can be better than the catch if you do more chasing than catching. It's more treasured, more memorable, less diluted. That's not to say you'd turn down sustained catches. Football works in cycles, success can surround you one moment and then be a memory, a part of history the next. Much like love, you have your highs and lows, but you never give up on it and if you lose it you go in search for more. Or simply wait for it to find you. Or you just pay for it. Each to their own.

Where it's gone a little wrong with expectation is the pressures of wanting that success, obsessing about life without it before you've even fully achieved it. This has distorted how we strive to make it our own and far more importantly, how we live through that journey.

At the moment, I see fragmentation in support. More so than the past. A lack of enjoyment, a bitter nervous disposition at both home and away games. There is a difference between believing we are good enough and wanting us to achieve success compared to simply expecting it to be delivered on a plate.

There's also the issue of what is defined as success. I've been a strong enforcer of the pragmatism behind finishing top four so that we can consolidate and get stronger with each passing season. This might (might not) reward our endeavour with a genuine seasoned title push. But that would remain the ultimate goal. Modern football preaches this philosophy so intensely that we no longer rate the League Cup and even the FA Cup only becomes important by virtue of reaching the latter rounds rather than what it meant back in the days when finals would become future iconic moments. The 'big' clubs that win it often see it as an afterthought rather than the crowning jewel it once was.

Top four or silverware? I've been shouting top four from the rooftops all season along, for several seasons. I'm not going to  change my mind because of this seasons dramatics and because Champions League qualification is in the balance. I don't believe qualifying for this competition every season should be deemed as an honour. A platform perhaps for further adventures and encounters, a platform to grow stronger. But it shouldn't really be anything more than that. Unless you are proud of the fiscal and accountancy. Someone recently stated that winning the Champions League when you finish outside the top three sums up the hyperbole that UEFA and the TV companies have created around the competition. It's now more important to participate in the competition than it is to win it.

Yet having witnessed Chelsea win the FA Cup, I found myself truly underwhelmed when teasing the idea of 'how would I have felt if that was Spurs lifting that grand old cup?'. I hate the fact that it no longer has my heart pacing. It should feel more than a day out, yet that's all it appears to be thanks to the distraction of a Champions league predominately made up of teams that are not champions of their leagues.

My pragmatism is flawed.

"I don't believe qualifying for this competition every season should be deemed as an honour"

It's not an honour in the way of silverware, but it is one to participate in even if it's a creation to appease the rich and make them richer. It's still the only way to compete against the very best in Europe. When you remember our début season in the CL and the memories created off the back of our qualification and group games, how can you possibly wish to turn your back on any of it? Some of those memories are already iconic in terms of our own history. If modern football is saying this is the new bread and butter, then feed on it we shall.

But still my pragmatism is flawed.

Although there is nothing wrong with wanting to play against the elite of Europe there is plenty of hypocrisy that you can easily disguise behind that pragmatism that ends up confusing what football should be about. But then what is football? It's always going to be perceived differently depending on the individual. To you want to be entertained or do you want success above all things? Our priorities as supporters have shifted because football has shifted. Some want success no matter what at any cost whilst others look at long term progression and a cup win every so often. We might fall into different categories here but I'm sure (as Spurs fans) we want to see our side play the football that is synonymous with our history. It's important to hold onto one's identity. So how do you compliment one's identity?

By winning things.

Of course I'm going to be underwhelmed to see Chelsea win the FA Cup. I'm reminded of when we beat them to claim the League Cup. How can any cup final win be discounted? Surely it can't? It goes down in history forever. You have stories on and off the pitch associated with the occasion, with the football and the support. It's meaningful, it's tangible, it writes another chapter into your clubs life story. It's a true honour. And yet my flawed pragmatism still pushes me back and away from it as the shadow of UEFA casts down on me from above.

Football is not the same beast it was decades ago. But we are still aiming high. Bill Nicholson would possibly adopt to a similar outlook we're embracing now. Top four > Champions League > title push > champions > European Cup final. That's what every club at the very top of the tier would find agreeable as targets, even if very few are currently in that position to achieve it. That's just the way modern football has been set up to work. We don't care for the fiscal but our owners do because it's the only way to sustain such an ambitious challenge. In fact it's the only way to compete for any ilk of silverware, such (has been) the power of the dominant clubs in England in the past decade or so. I'm sure Bill would still not have frowned at the cups on offer. Unlike I have.

Glory can't be measured. As stated, it can be a one off game, a piece of silverware or sustained success. We have always believed. When we sat in mid-table, we wanted Europe, when we got Europe we aimed for top five, we then pushed for fourth and we continue to strive for more. You're hardly going to be this grand olde swashbuckling side whilst stuck in the middle of the league table. But that doesn't mean you'll turn away the cameos or support the side any less if you are.

Do you love Spurs any more now than you did when we were abject? Does your love depend on the success on the pitch? Of course it doesn't. It shouldn't. Perhaps deep down winning something every so often makes you feel more alive. Not knowing if you're going to win or not, punching above your weight or playing the role of the underdog. Perhaps being fatalistic is a better comfort zone than possessing a sense of entitlement. But then all fans are fatalistic at heart regardless of stature. And if you take entitlement and ever so slightly strip it of it's arrogance you are left with simply wanting the very best for your club. Every underdog can have its day.

The epiphany is simply this; why do we have to ask theoretical questions about what matters more? Why do I feel the need to be pragmatic? Why does football have to be dictated by what others dictate to be acceptable standards? Is it really necessary to be so complex and analytical, dissecting every second of football played? Whether it's that one piece of silverware in ten years or ten years of winning silverware. With regards to the team its self, there might be a lack of consistency due to rotation, tactics, injuries which means they can't treat every game the same, they can't treat every game like a cup final. It's unavoidable for them. But my excuse? Our excuse? We have no excuse. We can be consistent all of the time and support the club unequivocally. That's not to say you smile and take everything on the chin without question or criticism. Doesn't mean you can't complain or disagree or object to something you feel strongly about. Like in any relationship a good bust-up or argument is sometimes required to clear the air. You shout because you care. As long as Tottenham is Tottenham, does it matter what everyone else thinks and does?

I've allowed the thought police to tell me what to think. It doesn't have to be so complicated. You might prefer it to be like that. But not for me.

What you have, outside of win, lose, draw is the ability to love Tottenham and show that love without reservation. Players come and go, the ones that matter are the ones that leave their mark on the club and your heart. Custodians of the shirt. Our shirt. I don't want to spend another second fretting about who might sign or leave. What will be will be. If x player doesn't want to wear the shirt, then why would I want him to stay? Why have I wasted so much time trying to fool myself that loyalty exists and money hasn't consumed the game? Loyalty shouldn't be something you need to prove. The role of the custodians is to honour the traditions that the fans live and die by. Supporters are often criticised for having a detrimental influence on clubs, pressuring the board and chairman. Surely that's our right? It's our money and our loyalty that has built the club to what it is now alongside the footballing innovators in the dug outs and in Lilywhite shirts that birthed push and run and everything that followed.

I don't expect modern day footballers to love the shirt like we do, but I do expect them to play like they love it when they wear it. The ones that do this are the ones more likely to succeed.

The true essence of the epiphany is that I have to accept football is no longer this sweet innocent girl with a shy smile. She's now a flirtatious woman in hot pants seductively teasing and rarely allowing you to reach out and touch her. But when she does, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. So all we do is follow. Because that's all we can do. Follow. The dream is to see those hot pants on our bedroom floor. And if it doesn't happen a touch once in a while will have to do.

Top four, silverware, last game of the season dramatics. Every second of every game, win/draw/lose, it all matters because it's Tottenham Hotspur. I want us to be the very best but I'll be damned if I'm going to spend my time dreaming about it with ample nervous bites at my fingernails. There is no club like our own and for all our faults and fragmentation I would still not change a single thing about it.

Echo of glory. Never forget that. If desire drives the club forward and the supporters are the fuel, then emotion is the fuel that drives me.

Play the Spurs way. That's all I need, all I want. I'm not having people who don't love my club dictate how I should feel about it. The FA, UEFA, the Premier League, the media, television. I don't want to be constrained and contained. I don't want this relentless want for success define me, I want us to define it. I want to believe and I want to follow and I want to support.

Tottenham is my club. I'm taking it back.

Come on you Spurs.

I'll Hazard a guess it won't happen

I don't follow French football neither do I follow Belgium football and their prodigy's to a point where I could blog or tweet an opinion with cast iron certainty. I have to take the word(s) of others and rarely do unless I know without a shadow of doubt that word counts for something. Do you know much about Eden Hazard and his family? No? Read this: Understanding Eden Hazard.

I've seen the array of video clips of the player, a few live games and been kept apprised of his club form for some time now. But it's not quite the same as weekly intakes of the Premier League. So Belgian Spur and his word is good enough for me. And his connection to Hazard is pretty much one that can't be ignored. The latest news however might leave me with egg on face, as Man City are in the strongest position to sign him - not because of the wage packet they can offer (Spurs, Utd are just as competitive with the financial side of things) but because they are truly pushing the emphasis on game time and development. Eden wants to become the best footballer he can be and I guess Eastlands exuberant playground is a foundation that can't be ignored even if there is potential for the rather obvious stigma for joining the all too obvious choice. For all the hate we have for the project, they will continue to attract the very best players (much like Chelsea did in the Mourinho era) and will compete for silverware every season.

We have a deal in place with Lille (as do Utd). Arsenal don't. City are ahead of everyone. As expected.

The Hazard clan will do what's best for Eden. They want greatness which will only really come with guaranteed first team football to aid relentless progression, with the player playing in his strongest position and at the highest level (Champions League is key). Two clubs can offer that. One might be able to. Maybe it will come down to wages in the end, as much as the player (and myself) would have us believe it's not about the money. If money is simply a bonus if all clubs can offer Hazard football in its purest sense, then why not take the biggest bonus on offer?

He's claiming he prefers blue to red. Does the blue on our white shirts count?

Lasagna

I've been without the pleasures of the internet since last Friday. I did manage a couple of Tweets over the weekend, but avoided delving into the depths of despair that appear to have destabilised everyone's emotions once more. I guess I can't put this off any longer, so head first in I go...


The Villa Game

Shades of 2006 with a reverse twist and the added spice of Martin Jol once more being involved on a last day heart stopper. You couldn't make it up. Because it's such the bleeding obvious. At the start of the season I'm sure plenty of you cited the fixture list and laughed about the potentiality of us having to beat Fulham to qualify for the Champions League. We shouldn't laugh, we should take it for granted that this beautiful beloved club we support will never do things the easy way. Once more our chest is sliced open and our heart pulled out and kicked around because pain is Tottenham and Tottenham is pain and pain is love masquerading as pain.

First of all the logistics of processing the Villa game. I've already been told had Arsenal beaten Norwich we'd have beaten Villa comfortably and the fact we didn't constitutes a choke. Well, no, it doesn't. Firstly Arsenal have been choking all season. They've been choking for several seasons now. Their choking (this season) simply creates an illusion that we keep losing the initiative or surrendering the chance to recapture it. It's an illusion because no matter the form of Arsenal or anyone else for that matter we will continue to produce erratic displays within the constraints of 90 minutes and across several games that illustrate key missing ingredients to the pot as we stew.

The issues are ones discussed more times than I care to mention. You know them well. Rotation (lack of), tactical ineptitude, squad depth and management of players. When we're good, we are good, when we're not we don't usually have a way of working out how to be good again. It's partly to do with the lack of decisiveness in the manager amongst other long standing transfer market issues. See? More times than I care to mention.

This latest spike in 'form' is thanks to Hodgson and the FA (science of football proclaims this). We're playing like a team again, be it one that is still making for heart out of chest dramatics. I can only be philosophical about the 1-1 draw with Villa. Deflected goal aside and perhaps one or two other moments, the hosts didn't really have any aspirations to win the game. That deflected goal against the run of play was almost a gentle slap in our faces from the footballing Gods.  

'This is what you get if you're going to make hard work of it you lowly mortals you'

Danny Rose getting sent off, yet with ten men, after regrouping, we looked the most likely to win it. But then that's far too obvious a story arc. It doesn't fit into the Tottenham mantra. We have no necessity for the easy way. Not a chance that we would make it comfortable for ourselves. Then again, last time we had it in our hands we puked it out of our mouths all over the Upton Park pitch. The eternal underdogs we shall remain. Always seeking to 'get there'. The chase is better than the catch.

Redknapp dithered with the substitution. Does he go for broke and risk a 2-1 loss? Was a 2-1 loss even conceivable against a Villa side content with surviving the draw? Would Defoe have made a difference? Bill Nicholson would have gone for glory but then Redknapp isn't Nicholson and Nicholson had Jimmy Greaves along with one or two other not so shabby players. But we're hardly weak either in selection. Harry however preferring to  protect what he's got even if what we've got might allow us to take 4th spot and then lose it thanks to the final Chelsea have to play in Munich. No echo of glory here. The Rose red card will be key in how we plan to line-up against Fulham. Does he go with Bale back in the back four? Wing-back system? Is King fit to play allowing Gallas to slot into left-back? Please don't be sticking Luka anywhere near that flank. Can we risk changing the balance of the side now that we are at least picking up points?

To aid with recovering from this (1-1) disappointment its best to not dwell on the game as a singularity. We've had plenty of lost moments that offered consolidation. Many of them are practically repeat showings. A ton of possession, crossing, corners but imbalance with player positioning and offensiveness. Defending set pieces, attacking set pieces. Tweaks in coaching that could have been made prior to the game in preparation or during it failed to materialise. Across the entirety of the season there are a number of disapproving shakes of head and shrugs.

Had we managed a second goal at Villa Park, all of this would probably be of no consequence as we drown ourselves with superlatives about spirit and guile and lose sight of some of the serious deficiencies we have in our set-up. Make no mistake, we have high end calibre and we're easily one of the best sides in the country. But cutting edge and that killer instinct in the dugout still teases us from afar.

Harry Redknapp is a decent 'manager' but you can't win all your games in the hope that your best players in their best positions (or roaming around) will be able to do enough. That's where the most telling guile is missing. If we fail to finish 3rd or 4th it's because we still can't be b*stards when it matters most.

We, the manager and the chairman, have to aspire to always be better to always want for more. If you prefer to take it one game at a time and wish to review it as a singularity then perhaps what we got at Villa is as good as it gets. Twenty or so chances and one goal, from a penalty. You could say we were unlucky or  failed to create our own luck. Doesn't matter, that singularity ceases to be one if it keeps repeating itself.

I don't want the season to end on a soundbite. To dare is to do, daring is achieving...this is not being embraced enough. I'll be shot down by some for the romantic notions and dancing emotively again, but traditions are there for a reason.

I'd rather this club is glorious in defeat rather than whimpering out like a soft sneeze.

Oh my days, we won a game at Bolton.

Bolton 1 Spurs 4

An away win, the first since December and our first at Bolton since Sky Sports invented modern football. Okay, so sure, Bolton are awful compared to the bullish physical side that has always made sure we get nothing up there but having comfortably beaten Blackburn at the Lane without having to dig too deep it was good to see us do the same here. Our hosts displayed fight, unlike Rovers. We had a wobble early doors second half, but came through it. A flurry of punches from them failing to do any damage. Three quick uppercuts our response. Floored. I hope they pick themselves up and avoid survive the count.

Emotional stuff before the kick-off with Fabrice walking out onto the pitch. The Spurs Drum was apparently smuggled into the ground, then confiscated after 30 minutes. Spurs won't be too impressed after their explicit instructions that no drum is allowed (home and away). That and the fact the 'Y' rhythm was played. Tut tut. Got next to no chance of ever seeing it return to the Lane.

Our defending is still not that great but going forward we appear to have rediscovered the simple things that can be so effective. Spacial awareness, wingers on the flanks crossing the ball for players attacking the box. Quick precise counters. Smart and tidy one touch from midfield to attack that sees the players instinctively run into space to pass the ball onwards with intent.

A similar confident display (excluding the opening six or so minutes in the second half) away to Villa and it's all smiles with a hearty farewell to that almighty blip that almost killed our season. It still hangs in the balance, but this is a far better position to be in than a month back.

The goal from Luka (from a corner no less) was sublime. Is there a way to fit him into a system so that he isn't anchored too deep? He doesn't score many but when he does he leaves you thinking how many he could score if he played more offensively. Then again, he wouldn't dictate the tempo as much if he found himself lurking outside the box. Perhaps when Spurs are bossing he can sacrifice himself to the giddy heights of the area around the penalty box.

He did make one mistake in the game, leaving Reo-Coker free early in the second half for the equaliser but he made up for it with a brilliant assist releasing Lennon on the opposite flank to cross for Adebayor (3-1). In amongst the goals, a van der Vaart textbook pass into the net (2-1) and another Adebayor close finish from a Bale cross (4-1). Bang, bang bang. All over in the space of nine minutes. Clinical Spurs of the Fall, how I've missed you.

Sandro was again a beast this time without vomit. Adebayor, the paradox, scores and assists across the season (in patches) and has a first touch that has me pulling the hair out of other people (because I have no hair left on my head to pull). But still more effective than anything we've had since the last time we went out and signed a quality forward.

Lennon got better as the game progressed. Bale roamed and swapped but showed how important staying out left can be when the players around him are equally hungry but disciplined positionally. There might not be enough time left in the season to truly capture the rapturous solid full pelt flow of pre-blip, but this might just do. One journalist made a joke on Twitter when Spurs were 1-1 and on the ropes that it was because Harry was being linked to the England job, before the joke cut away with irony (what with Harry no longer linked as the job is gone). Further irony then that Spurs finally woke up which means it must be because there is no possibility of Three Lions, just the one cockerel dusting its self off. No follow up joke from the journo to balance out the comedy digs.

One point is now the monumental gap between us and third although only 4th spot is up for grabs. Woolwich won't drop points (hex). Chelsea look out of it (in terms of a league placing) after two ridiculous Cisse goals (apparently their announcer proclaimed pre-match that Chelsea would move into 4th spot when Spurs lose to Bolton...bless 'em). Pardew's men have the tricky remaining fixtures. I guess the shock would be them beating City on the weekend. Three points at Villa is now imperative. Let's just win the next two games because what happens elsewhere is beyond our control.

So where does this leave us, generally speaking?

Our away record across the past three seasons has been better than anything in the past 20 or so. As good as we've ever had it? Let's bury this fallacy once and for all. It's not as good as we've ever had it. Not when the 1990s and early 2000s were so abject. It's hardly difficult to call this Spurs side the best we've had in a long time when you look back to the ones we've had to endure sitting in mid-table going nowhere fast. We are simply playing to the standard that we've wanted to see since the 1980s left us forever. As good for some fans in their life time, perhaps, but that doesn't mean we gleefully accept and not want to push for more. Why should we be so defeatist ? This should never be about one man's ego but always about Tottenham and what we strive to be and play for. Glory.

It was as good as we've had in the past 20 years when pushing for 4th back in 2010. It's now better than it was that season but there is so much room for improvement, achievable improvement. Seems fairly obvious to me. Aim higher. Get better. Achieve more. Look how far off the top we are and yet we hardly took Europe and the League Cup seriously. Remove uncertainty and bulk the squad up rather than playing a game of cat and mouse nobody can decipher. That's a call to chairman and manager to take responsibility.

Harry is now focused on us having given up on England. Shocker. Although depending on the media, Hodgson and the England players there is no way you can discount another twist in a year or so. So if we are stuck with him, then it's back to accepting his strengths and his failings. Although he is not the most tactically astute or consistent with strategy (which means he might never have it in him to better 4th spot) we still compete. But you can't proclaim a title push one day and then admit we're lucky to be 4th the next. Harry will continue to be a short term custodian of team affairs, from one season to the next, reactive to whatever is happening at any given time. There might be no other manager out there that could do any better, but there might be one that could perhaps plan for the long term and allow this team to make that further step up.

If Levy believes in the gaffer and backs him, then so be it. I'll follow and support. We won't have a choice. Would be the more most prudent fiscal decision to make even if there are many that would prefer someone brand new to take the helm.

For now, I'll happily accept a smug Harry sound-bite on Champions League qualification, telling us all 'told you so'.

For now, all that matters is the next game.

I'm away until Tuesday, might log onto Twitter if I'm sober. Might log onto Twitter if I'm drunk.

Paradox

Is there anyway to hope success for Roy Hodgson without England achieving it? No? Of course not. Everyone is doomed then. I hate the clique that is the tabloid media, with their pro-Redknapp obsession, already sharpening their knives as displayed with the usual bitter and stupid questions at Roy's first press conference. The nations favourite have rolled out a speech impediment joke so we can't be that far off from vegetable photo-shops.

Let's stop pretending to be surprised. We're all actually guilty of similar charges. They are meant to report the news. They are hardly unbiased and they will always push whatever agenda that's close to them. It's no different to any football forum or set of fans with a unified belief they relentlessly perpetuate. Well it is different in one way, tabloids have a far greater reach than any blog or message board or twitter time-line.

During the press conference, you could hear them squirm in their seats, unsatisfied and rejected for not having their chosen one to bestow safe questions to and catch the responding sound-bite like two lovers blowing kisses to each other. This summer will be a barrel of laughs.

Also worth noting the nations favourite hardly reports 'the news'.

Regardless of the FA only approaching the one man and also the fact that they are saying there was more than two people on the short list, it did feel rather ominous. When the new England boss cited Redknapp it was to say that Harry had left him an answer phone message to congratulate him. It almost appeared to be apologetic, like Roy was a little embrassed to find out Harry was being passed by. The FA wouldn't pay the compensation for Redknapp, a likely scenario.

What's done is done. Shame the ambiguity and the flirting has given us an excuse (and masked the real issue at hand) to surrender so many points but we've struggled since the start of the year and with just three games remaining, all that's left is for us to win them all to give ourselves the chance of redemption. Even if it still hangs in the balance, dependent on results in others games and a certain cup final.

We've not won away since December. We've got two away games up next. The final game of the season is at home against a former manager. Hardly inspiring when our recent win was against a side that had no desire. Tonight against Bolton we face a team fighting to stay up and they'll be more than up for it with Fabrice present. We haven't won there in the Premier League either.

If you had a spare ten quid, you'd keep it in your pocket.

Still, believe. It's a boring existence if you don't.

Today is the 5th anniversary of Dear Mr Levy.com.