#AskArry

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Made me smile. Even with the scripting. Beats talking about Luka and contracts.

"I don't know what Mario is" - No chance of a cheeky bid then?

Levy Mathematics

Sign a player for £2.5M. Sell him for £7M.

Goodbye Niko, we didn't see enough of you in a Spurs shirt. That wasn't always your own doing. Graceful with flair and wonderful hair. Wasn't to shabby to look at either.

Good luck at Dynamo Kiev.

We'll have to wait and see if Levy has more maddening skills this summer with pulling in more than the £4M he wants for dos Santos and forcing Everton to buy back Pienaar for more than they sold him for.

All more likely than signing a centre-back.

 

This is England

I really do try to care about the National team but the whole Terry debacle and the weakness of the FA and (sadly) Hodgson leaves me further detached from it all with each passing day. I'm sure once the competition starts I'll watch and want them to succeed, but seeing the likes of Terry pull on the shirt, knowing footballers believe and behave themselves to be bigger than the badge on the shirt (even the badge of their country), the fact there are so many fractures within the squad, the politics...where the hell did it all go wrong?

Hodgson was treated with cowardice contempt by the tabloid press when he was given the job and I hope he achieves something tangible to ram it back down their throats. But his squad selection along with the influence of a variety of story arcs - have I mentioned Terry's inclusion yet and the impact on Ferdinand and the Gerrard captaincy? Then there's Carrick, the excess of Liverpool players and not forgetting players who should probably have been included - means all the job actually amounts to is damage limitation until this 'golden generation' are done and dusted and gone for good.

The belly of English football needs gutting. It's feasted for far too long, bloated and tired, sat on a throne nobody bows to any more. We are far too institutionalised to attempt it. 

Where's the revolution?

This is Redknapp

I see a number of you have misunderstood (misinterpreted) Redknapp's CL quote. Either that or simply taken it out of context and stretched it as far as you can for further ammunition aimed at the target on his back. Any excuse, right? Not sure why considering the amount of gold you can so easily find in his back catalogue.

It's Redknapp, he's hardly the most articulate. He has all the elegance of a brick through the window. If you've not seen it, I'm referring to the interview on SNN earlier today. He cited Champions League football, which included the utterance 'it's over-rated'. He was talking about money/contracts and how players use the 'ambition' of CL football as an excuse to earn ridiculous wages elsewhere (reality is players will move to where the money is). Don't even think this is the first time I've heard him say this. And yes, CL does equate to money...but say we had CL, would that see us compete against City and Chelsea for players? No, probably not based on what's already happened this summer with the Hazard whoring.

And yes, Redknapp is always going to deflect in some way, he's done it all season long. In this instance, his vocabulary sets him up to look dismissive more so than the actual point he was attempting to make. Although haters will hate and say that he's only hooking himself onto excuses rather than perhaps attempting to highlight positives. This is Redknapp, it's the way he's built. People need to stop berating him over a trait he will never lose. He's never going to change. Stick a microphone in front of him, if he needs 10 words to make a point, he'll use 100 and the point he makes will protect his own agenda. He'll always protect himself, whether he does it consciously or subconsciously. Get this...all managers do it. Harry just isn't very good at it. What he is good at is contradicting.

Save your energy for the excuses during the season, not outside of it, and not the soundbites used to entertain presenters of Sky Sports News.

Just my opinion.

The bigger questioning (re: the interview) should be over his contract and ye golden contradiction (told you he was good at it) regarding his one remaining year left and the impact it would have on our players (and our transfer targets). That and the fact he can't contain such matters for private consumption between himself and Levy. That was by far the more 'damaging' of his soundbites. But this is also of no surprise. Harry continues to bask in detachment and disassociation.

Watch the video here.

Nothing has changed from the opinions I outlined in my Regression series (click here, scroll down a little). He remains about the short term and about self-serving. Like most people involved in modern football. If he retains focus and if he and Levy work together during the course of the summer then we'll easily compete next season. Again.

The Book of Daniel

by Ryan the Perplexed

And the Lord spoke to Daniel the Levite saying:

'Daniel, oh Daniel, why when I delivered you into the League of Champions in 2010 did thou refuse to seriously invest in my Beloved? Last harvest was another paltry sacrifice of shekels, offloading the Goliath, Wilson and sacrificing little on Scott of Tarsus and loaning the Togan. I have even sent you my prophet, Ari the Blameless, as your helpmeet. Oh, Daniel it is true that I work in mysterious ways, and none is more mysterious than Ari, who speaks in tongues behind car windows, alongside his driver Kevin the Bondsman.

Yea, and Harry delivered you from the depths to Champions League in under 2 years, but every harvest time you refused to take the next step, keeping the funds to build a Temple for me, fortified against the Philistines of Gillespie Road, and the heathen Moabites of Spam. Yes it may have a Sainsburys with 613 checkouts, but I am greatly angered by your actions. Instead of a striker, we have a planning consultant, instead of a winger, we have Saha the Crocked.'

And Daniel trembled before the Lord and said he was much vexed by Ari the Blameless, who was tempted by England, Rosie:47 and Sandra of the Banks of Sand. Then the Lord became angry, and winds around the goalmouths of Stoke howled, Webb failed to see Mario's evil, Ari was tempted, and the pathetic Goonites had their luck returned.

And Daniel trembled further as he thought CL was safe. The Lord then said 'Daniel, my Daniel , never stand still, thou need to invest in thy squad and cut the deadwood.' But Daniel was stiff-necked and his transfer policy could do no wrong in his eyes and this enraged the Lord. And the Lord put confusion into the hearts of the Tottenhamites who forgot how to score and Ari’s tactics were lost in the whirlwind.

And the Lord took blood, dung and avarice and brought forth the evil Despicables from the bowels of the Earth, led by a great and faithless Sinner garbed in shin pads. The Lord then blinded the pious Catalunians as they were pillaged by the Despicables. He again blinded Atkinson the Weak as the Despicables overran the Tottenhamites on the plains of Wembley. And lo, Levy was still holding out for tribute for Gio and hoping to offer a new contract to Jenas.

The Lord appeared to Daniel in a dream, represented by the angel Ledley.

And Ledley said 'He upstairs thinks that you needed to invest more to get into CL heaven when you have the chance. This is your final warning guv. Ouch, my knee...'. But Daniel told him to go forth and multiply.

In his wrath, the Lord created Fulop, a spineless wretch, to see a fortunate Wenger the Blind and his smug Goonites through to the promised land. Still Daniel would not budge and in a final act, the Lord came down and with great might (Drogba) and an outstretched arm (Cech), and intervened in the fabric of creation itself to the stop the Germans winning a penalty shootout, and finally prevent Daniel from entering the promised land.

Amidst much gnashing of teeth and wailing, Levy and the Tottenhamites became as one and cried 'How can it be that the Great Sinner and his Despicables celebrate yet we are left in the wilderness? Why do Sinners enter Heaven when the Righteous go to Hell?' And Levy was broken and wailed to Heaven in the form of another Open Letter but no answer came. And the Tottenhamites were banished to the plains of Europa where they encountered wild beasts, pestilence and away trips to the Ukraine.

Daniel then donned sackcloth, ashes and called the lawyers. And so Graham begat Hoddle who begat Pleat, and Pleat begat Santini who then begat Jol. Jol begat Ramos who begat Ari the Blameless. And Ari begat...

Time for the King to abdicate his throne

We won't know Ledley King's decision until pre-season when he decides whether to finally hang up his boots and take one of the options Spurs have offered him, hopefully a coaching role. You don't have to do much reading between the lines here. It's obvious the club and the player believe it's time to hang up the boots. However, the last sentence from the official club update is the one that manages to help retain a smile on my face.

"Tottenham has been the only Club for me and if I can’t play here then I shall look to be involved in another capacity."

Ledley might not reappear in a Lilywhite shirt on the pitch (aside from a testimonial please) but his heart will always be Tottenham off it. Keeping him on at Spurs is imperative. The man lives for the club and we love him for it so it's a pretty obvious way to continue the affair. Quite simply the best defender of his (England) generation. The most obvious thing to echo here would be the what ifs. You know, what if he had two working knees. I was looking back at the archives of this blog and found an article from 2009. An article that could have been written for any one of the past five years.

Ledley will always be our King

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 12:03PM

I'm a bit bored at the moment. There's a slight lull in stories worthy of commentary. Other than maybe the news that Ledley King could play in the remaining 10 fixtures for Spurs. According to our oracle of football, Harry Redknapp. This following on from the recent lack of contract talks that won't be taking place just yet between club and player.

King (with Spurs no longer having midweek games to concern themselves with) can now look forward to Ledders being available once per week with plenty of recovery time in-between. As long as the old knee doesn't give way. Is he prolonging the inevitable? Is he sustaining long term permanent damage to his knees every time he plays for us? How long will he persist with this? Equally important to ask whether Spurs will have to make a decision on King's future based on his availability. You can't build a defence around a part-time player. But when the player is this good, do you allow for a concession? Heart says yes. So does the head, but more so the heart.

As for the potential of a new contract, that really depends on whether this is it for the rest of his career. This being 'play when injected with magic' but only half the time and never twice in a week. It's sad. A fully fit Ledley King would be a fully fledged England international. And probably a Man Utd player. But there's no doubt he'd be a defender at the top of his game with countless clubs courting him - in a world with no knee trouble. He's still capable of exceptional performances for us - but still in a part-time capacity. Which is why we are probably not reading a Daniel Levy club announcement justifying a £25M transfer of King to Old Trafford.

What we have instead is a loyal committed servant who gets wrapped up in cotton wool more often than running out in Lilywhite. As long as he is not aggravating his knee problems with the injections and continuing to play professional football then I'm happy to have him at the club and the club should make sure he remains there till he hangs his boots up. I hope there is not a single ounce of truth that doctors advised him to quit or risk serious damage.

Also, I'm not suggesting Ledley is still with us only because of his injury plight. The bloke is no Sol Campbell. Ledley is honest and loves the club. He wants to be at White Hart Lane and in the past possibly could have flirted with a Champions League club if he wanted to. But if he was 110%, he'd be tested, along with the chairman. That's a sure thing. But he'd never walk the way Judas did. Personally hope he does start the big big away games we have at Villa, Everton, Man Utd and Liverpool. Dawson is a fine understudy to have on current form. I'm still staggered by the fact that King never trains.

Machine, right?

It dawned on me that it almost feels like his entire career has been dominated by his plight. I can't remember when he didn't have a dodgy knee. Every season it's the same struggles and yet aside from the difficulties experienced this past year, he has been majestic and graceful with the sublime ability to read the game seconds faster than those around him. He went beyond the usual blood-and-thunder-feet-in grunting of the more obvious centre-halves. Didn't need to tackle as much as others either, he just got to the ball before the attacker did. His back pocket rarely empty. His pace was like lightning dancing on a sea of electricity. You know what I'm referring to. Stuff like the Robben tackle. A piece of defending as great as any goal scored. That was King all over. The impossible made easy. You'd run, he'd jog right past you.

When he didn't play well, you couldn't quite believe it, such was the rarity of such a performance. Listen to me, talking about him like he's no longer with us. Still, we knew this moment was coming. He's got to do the right thing for himself. He's a club legend. So it's good to see the club actively seeking to retain his services. They failed to do the same with Stevie Perryman (get well soon).

I don't think it really matters, the what ifs. Fact is, he could have so easily given up years ago, lost focus or allowed his fitness to fade away due to lack of game time. There he was though, never having to train and yet playing like he hasn't stopped training. Every single season he's pulled on the shirt and he's been a colossus at the back. Such an influence, a true club captain. For the good of his own well being and Spurs going forward, it's time for new blood. Kaboul, Caluker, perhaps even Vertonghen could probably do with having someone of King's stature at the club as a nod towards what you can achieve as a player in the most purist form. That's unequivocal commitment to the Cockerel. If they get within 50% of what Ledley has given through sheer guts and heart then both will be very successful at Spurs.

Onwards.

Worms of disillusion

Dear Mr Levy,

What has become of us? After years of restraining orders and home invasions, I find myself somewhat isolated. On this occasion I am not outside your mansion hiding in the shrubbery, neither am I following you on one of your jaunts to the local supermarket or using my night vision goggles to watch your wife shower. No. I'm sat at home in front of my pc monitor and I type this without threat of a legal violation that a judge might frown upon. I do this not because I am weak or have surrendered the fight. How many times can a man protest in the same way before he becomes a monument to himself?

Do not misunderstand me. If I so wish to claim back old traditions I will be more than comfortable to strip naked save for a bagel to hide my blushes, and proceed to handcuff myself to a turnstile in protest. I still have that in me. Why only yesterday I waterboarded Chirpy. Why? Simply because I could. But still, here I am. At peace. Microsoft Word and my thoughts. No rage against the machine here just gentle gesturing and an electronic cuddle. Hopefully these poignant paragraphs will entertain you or perhaps inspire confidence in some way.

I had grand plans to anger up the blood and lay waste to the catastrophic season that we have only just left behind. I could so easily rape and pillage my way through 20k words of ranting, spewing vengeance and disparaging rhetoric with my contempt and disdain subtly shining through the cracks of the wall you will attempt to build in defence as I come charging towards you. But what would that achieve exactly? So rather than just point the finger and once more highlight where you’ve gone wrong I’m going to attempt to add a more positive spin to it. I’m offering you a solution to the problem at hand. From one Tottenham fan to another Tottenham fan.

Harry Redknapp. We appear to be stuck with him for another season. No compensation is forthcoming as the England job has long since passed. So if he left now you’d have to fork out the less enticing ilk of compensation, the one that goes the opposite direction from your wallet. Next season’s success is dependent on what we do in the transfer window before it closes. Between now and then we’ll know if we’ll be able to sustain another challenge. Considering we need a number of players to come in and a few to go out, that’s a monumental amount of business that needs doing in the space of three months. No dithering or indecisiveness can be part of this process. Agreed?

The problem with Redknapp is that he’s short term. Even though he has been with us a number of seasons it feels like we are reacting to each new season as if it’s the first we’ve had under him. There is no longevity in our plans. This is best illustrated by the lack of money spent in the transfer market for arguably key positions. Theorise away what might have happened had we bolstered the squad with top drawer quality rather than older bit-part squad players. But then you might have been saving up the war chest for when Redknapp walked. Which he hasn’t done. So, are we left not speculating for another season or do you take the initiative and sign players that the next manager can easily work with? Or do we continue to pluck away using the prior template that involves the both of you not seeing eye to eye on potential signings?

The other issue with Redknapp is that he’s reactive to whatever is happening at any given time, adapting his soundbites to fit into whatever position we happen to be in. Contenders, title contenders, top three, top four, fifth etc. There are more contradictions and hypocrisy to be found with our manager than there is with any politician. It’s like having a captain of a ship pretending to guide his crew to a far gone land, except when he looks down all he sees is a broken compass.

“If we keep going that way, we’ll hit land soon enough”

Blag. Hope. No drilled hard thought strategy. We've got a ship, we've got a crew, that's all you need to sail right? If we sink, that's not the captains fault. It's because we're Tottenham and we always sink. The blame firmly detached from the captain because the vessel is jinxed and has struggled to brave the waters in the past. Blame the owner that supplied the ship and the people back home wishing them luck on their voyage. It's their fault for desiring new land to be discovered and conquered.

We want Francis Drake. We've got Captain Birdseye.

That’s not to say he hasn’t done good. Redknapp that is (Birdseye has done wonders for my dinners). It’s not to say he isn’t a good manager. Look at the clubs above us, the money they have and the amount of years of experience they all share being in the same competitive positions year after year. Do we honestly think this is an easy achievement to be had? But then if the captain took a little more time to plan things out, fix the compass and navigate around the storms...

...then again, is that a pirate flag I see hoisted?

Fact remains, Redknapp has to be backed and be told clearly the objectives the club has, that’s your responsibility Mr Chairman. If he stays, there's no point everyone saying he's not committed if we're equally not committed. If it means we have to work with the short term ethics of Redknapp then back him in the short term by landing long term players that will outlive his managerial appointment and throw in a cheap signing, the type he likes to make to keep him happy. He doesn’t have a choice in the matter, make that so, if he doesn’t like it he can walk.

The stats don’t lie. During your tenure, has there been a more successful Spurs manager? In recent memory has there been one blessed with such a solid graceful squad of players? Have we played with such swashbuckle and assurance in the past decade as we do now? There will be no court case next season. No debate about England. Hopefully no heart palpitations other than the ones in the stands. So another season might prove to be the very best this manager can offer us, especially after so many harsh lessons learnt this past term. It might even give him the right amount of fire in his belly to once more prove people wrong. If it's better than 4th spot, then we're hardly going to complain. Unlike now. We're complaining now. It's strange, all these seasons in midtable, and we're...I can't wrap my head around what I'm meant to be feeling. Am I disappointed or not? Are we under-achieving? If so, compared to what? To the past or the immediate past we carved out from playing so well? Isn't this as good as we've ever had it? Isn't that enough..?

You need to...you need to...give him another chance. Yes...another...another...No...No...FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

F*** this.

Who the f*** am I kidding here? I can’t do this.

GET RID OF THE CLOWN AND GET RID OF HIM NOW! We’re a shambles! Look it up in the dictionary. Shambles, picture of Tottenham being shambolic. It's what we are! We could have won the league man, the league! Yet we watched it disappear in a blink of an eye because our striker wasn’t born an inch taller! Who makes this s*** up? We gain a 10 point lead then we lose it, then we get ourselves back into a position where it’s in our hands and we choke up again. To add insult to injury an ex-player lets in three soft goals and Chelsea (the club Redknapp wanted to see beat Barcelona) win the Champions League final and we’re left looking into the abyss that is the summer wondering if Modric is going to be sold and whether we’re going to take the entirety of the three months to flirt with the idea of signing someone before giving Jenas a one year extension on his contract. I won't even go anywhere near the capitulation at the swamp.

I’m sick of this nightmare! Why can't I wake up man? Why can't I wake up? Am I awake or asleep? If I'm awake I want to sleep. If I'm dreaming I don't want to risk reality being worse than this so I'd prefer to have dreamless sleep. A coma. Do people dream in comas? How about if I'm knocked unconscious. Will I dream if I'm knocked out? Someone please knock me out!

I can’t take this pressure any more. Just sell Modric for £40M. Sell Bale for £40M. That’s £80M right there. Luka doesn’t score goals so what exactly is the point in using him as some form of statement of intent that we won’t be bullied into selling our ‘best players’. Defoe has been engaged more times that Luka has found the net, ffs. The bloke is over-rated. His image rights are hardly worth a thing. Take a look at him! Who cuts his hair? A DeLorean with keys to a 1970s barber shop?

“Oh look I’m Luka and when I get the ball I turn and pass it out to another player”

Amazing. We’re building our team around a player than can pass a ball that doesn't even want to be here. Astonishing stuff. What next? Loan a player that can kick a ball really hard and fast towards goal? Maybe in ten years time we'll buy us one of them. Or we just wait for Harry Kane to turn thirty.

£40M for someone who can recycle possession. Other clubs must be green with envy. I blame him for not qualifying for the Champions League.

As for Gareth. Well, he’s finished. His ego has consumed his talent. He had that one decent game in Milan and that was that. He thinks he’s Ronaldo, have you seen that? Have you seen him do his Ronaldo impression? You know, the copyrighted move where he sort of floats away from the left and roams into the middle and into space? No other player does that. That’s a blatant trademark infringement and to be frank this also cost us Champions League. Had he stayed on the left in every single game played we’d have finished 3^rd or better, what with all the crosses he would have supplied for our forward line attacking the box with intent. Such wasted intent.

Who else? Adebayor. He can’t trap or control a ball, his first touch is awful. In a match he might control the ball say 25 times but the 3 times he doesn’t? Christ, he hasn’t got a clue! It’s in those 3 occasions where he fails that's where we lose the game. Who cares about the goals he does score and the assists he gets. He doesn't always quite control the ball! He’s as responsible as Bale and Luka is for our failure. And he’s your failure, a testament to not splashing out the money for a long term forward.

And he’s a gooner. So is Gallas. Two key players in key positions both accountable and yet we wonder why we fail when we have players that do not have Lilywhite blood. The ones we do have in Lilywhite are not good enough when the team is failing. When we're doing well it's because that's how we're meant to be doing and if we're blipping it's because neither of you know what you're doing. I know these things, I read Twitter, so many unified voices can't be wrong. You're meant to do the opposite of what you do when you get it wrong before you get it wrong so you don't get it it wrong but get it right. Why can't you embrace hindsight once in a while?

And God forbid you spend that potential £80M on any new young world class players. How about you stick it into the NDP fund and we can sit back for another ten years whilst you and Haringey tickle each other’s bums. We’ve got no strikers, did you notice that? You’re going to sign a Belgian centre-back that nobody has ever seen play aside from You Tube clips but everyone is desperate to see signed just because he’s got a fancy name and isn't bad looking. In the mean time, David Bentley and Gio dos Santos are still star-jumping their way around the club earning thousands for what exactly? Fringe players? I’m going to try that at work, being a fringe player.

“Hi boss. What? No, no. I’m not going to do much work today. Perhaps an hour or so, nothing spectacular. I’m sure you’ll be disappointed with my output. I’m now going outside for a smoke, I’ll be six hours”

Money you do spend is spent on the likes of Pienaar and Khumalo for the sake of selling a few shirts in South Africa to cover the cost of importing prime meat into the club for the executive box five course meals. Does Khumalo actually exist? I tried to scan an image of his face with that Autonomy software thing but got nothing back from it. I claim he is nothing but a PR marketing ploy created by an out-sourced graphic designer to give the illusion of profit being spent on players. One for the future, right? Sure, whatever, maybe this will also be the year Jenas finally comes of age.

You are ruining our chances by hiding behind this fallacy of being a great chairman just because we compete on accountancy when our revenue and capacity is so much lower than so many other clubs. Stop hiding behind circumstance of stature. Why haven’t you sacked Redknapp for showing fragmented loyalty and disrespect? Why do you continue to employee a mascot that has a crack problem and deals in the stands on match-days?

When Redknapp does get his way, he signs Parker. Then proceeds to play him in every single game. Do you know why he burnt out towards the end of the season? Redknapp had him doing odd jobs all over the place. Chauffeuring to and from Sandbanks. Painting and decorating. Landscape gardening. Doesn't stop working that Parker, great work ethic, but Christ...give the man a rest!

King? Deadwood.

And as for Harry Redknapp himself, again I ask, why has a man that persists in palming off responsibility onto you still receive monthly pay cheques for his services? You’re paying him to blame you for everything that goes wrong. I’m not even sure Redknapp actually works for Spurs. I think he just turns up at training, walks around a bit on the touchline and then drives in and out of the car park to make it look like he’s being kept busy. He’s got Sky Sports News fooled with a simple roll down of the car window. He’s kept the façade up for so long you’ve just let it naturally play out. I'm right, aren't I? Ha! I knew it! It’s mental, utterly utterly mental.

Perhaps almost as mental as Fulop being paid off by a betting syndicate to throw the match at WBA. But that is ridiculous. We all know that is not the case. Far more likely you paid him off so that we would miss out on Champions League. My evidence? The fact that you’ve not written a letter to UEFA to attempt to force a rejuvenated precedence of complaint for them only allowing four English clubs into the competition. You losing your touch? No, never. It’s part of your game plan. Keep long suffering Spurs long suffering because it means you can counter all the cries for money to be spent with reasoned calm that we have to be fiscally careful due to loss of revenue. All softly softly slowly slowly making sure the ENIC investment isn't spunked on the risk that comes with pushing for progression. I’ve got you sussed out.

Yeah.

I lied Mr Levy. I’m not at home.

You heard me, I lied. Like you lie. We've got more in common than just our bald heads. I’m in your study, I'm using your lap top to type this letter. Earlier I used your downstairs toilet. I didn't flush. I had a curry last night. You do the math. That's right, I've broken into your house again. Screw the British justice system. I’m also naked. I'm sweating too. You'll have to have the place fumigated. Send me the bill, see if I care. Why am I naked? Because I can be. I do what I want. And yes, that's one of Chirpy's in the open pack of Chocolate Fingers. You'll work it out when you dunk it into your tea. Chicken and Earl Grey don't mix well. There's no escaping me Mr Levy.

By the way, technically speaking, I'm not actually completely naked. I'm wearing your socks. Well, one of them. You get the picture. Literally. I've sent you a text.

My blood is angered Mr Levy. Do something, prove to us you're in control.

I have to go now. Before I leave I’m going to drag my backside along the carpet like a dog does when its got worms. Because I too have worms. Worms of disillusion, eating away at this ring of fire that burns me so deep. No cream to soothe the heinous pain. Pain you have caused. We're all left scratching our backsides whilst you don't even come close to scratching the surface.

Yours betrayed once more,
Spooky

Always look on the bright side of Spurs

Made to soothe those post season blues and warm your lovely Tottenham hearts…

There’s always next season after all…

Written by Charlotte ‘Peachy’ Hamilton @charlottepeachy and tehTrunk @tehTrunk

Further credit and thanks to our wonderful cast Rakesh Makwana, Matt Slocombe, Sarah Gallen, Tim Grigg, Thelonious Filth, Tom Fisher and Eric Dahms.

tehTrunk - Someone like 'arry

tehTrunk TV

thefightingcock.co.uk

The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard

The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard

by Eden Hazard of Eden Hazard fame.

"Hello, I am Ayden Uhzaaarh. Belgian wonder-kid and soon to be best player in world football. My utmost preference in my career is to have the best platform possible to be the best possible player. Football is more important than the money, my progress and development is pivotal to my happiness.

In the Premier League I will be able to showcase my unique vision and excel when surrounded by fantastic players that will aid in accentuating my skills. The club I will bestow this honour on would have to fit all the criteria that myself and my family have set out in my portfolio, terms and conditions apply. A golden era awaits.

I am Ayden Uhzaaarh, of the clan Uhzaaarh, and I am football personified"

Eden: I want to play in the Premier League.

Arsenal: Hello. I would like to make your acquaintance.

Eden: Yes?

Arsenal: Oh no, hold up, sorry. It would appear my wallet is empty. I have...I have some coupons? 

Lille: Move along.

Arsenal: What if we paid you over a fifty year payment plan? 

Lille: The door. Walk through it. 

Arsenal: Magic beans? 

Eden: I'm only interested in a move to Manchester.

Spurs: Hey, what about me? You said you'd consider me, right?

Eden: Security. Security... <snaps fingers, points>

Spurs: Nooooooooooo, waaaaaaaiiiit... <man-handled> Harry will play you in any position you want to play in, he'll even let you roam...you'll get to play with Defoe when he's not benched...we're building a supermarket next to the new stadium...Europa is still Europe, you still get to use your passport...

Eden: Manchester please only.

Utd: We have Alex Ferguson. Sir Alex Ferguson.

City: 90k per week.

Utd: We have dominated for a decade and have the heart and guts of winners.

City: 110k per week.

Utd: We will make you the talisman of the side, build the team around you.

City: 180k per week.

Utd: You will be at one of the biggest clubs in world football, you will have untold coverage for the world to witness your progression.

City: 200k per week and we'll pay your taxes.

Eden: <shrugs> Money isn't important to me.

City: 210k per week plus bonus pay based on assists, goals scored and silverware.

Eden: <cough>

City: 230k per week plus everything previously promised. Plus bonus pay each time you look in the mirror.

Utd: Hey? Hello? I'm still here you know <waves>. Hey? Am I invisible over here or what?

Chelsea: We'll match whatever City offered you.

City: 250k per week.

Chelsea: Yeah, that.

Eden: Hmm...

Chelsea: We also play our football in London, the paragon of English civilisation. Kings Road, chairman's yacht, paparazzi coverage, all inclusive.

Eden: Sounds...interesting.

Utd: What? Really? They haven't even confirmed their manager for next season? They finished 6th ffs! Hello? Sir Alex f****** Ferguson anyone? Anyone? Come on, someone!

Eden: <calls dad on mobile phone> Hi dad, it's me. What do you reckon I should do?

Eden's dad: If they all guaranteed you a shirt number and a certified position in the team, then, I don't know, choose the one with the best colours.

Eden: Thanks dad.

Eden: I will pick a team that plays in red but perhaps not actual red but probably and possibly a blue tinged blue colour that is neither red nor is it quite likely to be blue unless it is blue meaning I will pick a team in England that plays either in red or blue but I will not give my decision until it is given at some point soon. Perhaps after my last game for Lille when interviewed. Or not. On camera with ambiguity until a later date.

Spurs: Hi again. Any chance you might...

Eden: No.

Spurs: Okay, bye then.

Twitter: You're boring us now Eden. But keep flirting with all these clubs so we can pretend not to care and hate you but still clog up our time-lines with a variety of wisecracks and watch them re-tweeted to infinity even though we're all actually bored of you now but can't stop talking about you still because we'd love to actually see our club sign you.

Eden: <flutters eyelids>

Twitter: Ooooooh, Eden, stop it <girlish giggles> you big tease you <blush>

John Terry: Any chance I can get involved in this? A cameo in a joke punch line would do just fine.

Eden: Okay. I've made my decision. I will make it public later. I don't think I've built it up enough. Need more people talking about this.

LeBron James: Just make a decision punk.

City: 500k per week, final offer, plus we'll move London to the outskirts of Manchester. Or at the very least stick it on some wheels and pull it up every other weekend.

Eden: I've decided to join the Champions League winner. 

City: We've won that!! That's us!! Oh no, hold up. My mistake. The tattoo says 2013.

Chelsea: As easy as plucking a rare painting from a gallery wall.

Eden: I was always going to join a London club <laughing>.

Spurs: Oh great.

Arsenal: Nice one. Way to rub it in.

Spurs: Sigh. Might as well go and sign Junior Hoilett now.

Arsenal: No way! We're going to sign him.

Spurs: Fight ya for him! <scuffle>

Utd: Luka it is then.

Levy: £40M.

Utd: Carrick it is then.

Adel Taarabt: If anyone is interested, I'm still available. Real? Barca? New Zidane over here.

Eden: I am now on the path to glory.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your lust for power has already done that. You have allowed all this hype to twist your mind until now...until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Eden: <shrugs Tony Sopranoesque> What you gonna do?

Alan Shearer: Who the hell is Adam Hapzide?
 




The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard will continue, this up and coming season, only in the English Premier League.

More Stupendous Adventures here.

Stating the bleeding obvious

Simply this: There is no more 'going for fourth spot'. It's of no relevance any more to target a position in the league that basically amounts to nothing. Sure, any other given season it equates to Champions League (with qualifiers standing in the way) but as witnessed this season that honour is vaporised by UEFA rules deeming its value to be nothing more than a sum of money form the Prem League for finishing in a lofty position. Fourth best club in the land is nothing to scoff at. But this isn't about the semantics of stature and that's what tends to blind us. We're fourth this season because that is what we deserve. It's a positive. But it's one with a devastating caveat. Any club with aspirations can no longer aim for fourth. It must aim higher. It will get congested up there. More so with every passing season, although it's up for debate until the summer is over in terms of which teams have truly strengthened and which teams have simply endeavoured to retain balance once more on the tightrope. As for us, we're going to need padding in our groin area so we're not kicked in the balls again.

RIP fourth, fourth is no more. Third is the new fourth.

Required: One centre-back, a midfield playmaker, a right-winger, two forwards.

This won't end well.

Understanding the Jan Vertonghen transfer saga

The transfer negotiation between Spurs and Ajax...

Daniel Levy: That's my bid.

Ajax: It does not meet our valuation for the player.

Daniel Levy: Okay. I will raise it by one pound.

Ajax: Rejected.

Daniel Levy: I will raise it by a further single pound.

Ajax: No.

Daniel Levy: I'd like to add another pound to the total offered.

Ajax: Someone get me a coffee.


Several weeks later...


Daniel: I raise the bid by another pound.

Ajax: No, I mean...hold on. Yes, okay. Accepted. You have met our valuation for the player. Now we must discuss the payment plan.

Daniel: Ten million carrier pigeons each carrying a pound coin on their back, blindfolded and with a drop of ketmaine injected into their...

Ajax: No.

Daniel: Tesco coupons to the value of the agreed transfer sum.

Ajax: No.

Daniel: Vintage Kenner Star Wars action figures, still wrapped in original packing to the value of the agreed transfer sum.

Ajax: Would that also include the Millennium Falcon from Return of the Jedi?

Daniel: No.

Ajax: Okay. Then my answer is no.

Daniel: Two crates. One crate has the full amount in copper coins. The other contains a box set of the full series of The Wire. You won't know which is which. Noel Edmonds will ask you to select and...

Ajax: Another coffee please.

You ready for some more?

We all know the story writing off by hart. It's white pain on a long and winding lane that is never ending. It's never dull. It's always heart wrenching. You age twice as fast as anyone else around you. The roller coaster won't stop even if there's no more track left to ride. You bite your nails, you slap your face. You shrug and you hold your face in the palm of your hands.

The script is unforgiving. The twists and turns relentless. It jests. There's no luck just lustre. The laughter track spikes when you stare and watch without a smile on your face. Some of it doesn't make sense, no matter how many times you rewind and re-watch. It's all intertwined, a masterful work of majesty and mockery. When it's great it's fantastic when it's not it's dark and distasteful. A tapestry of tease. The obvious always happens yet you wonder how it came to be. It's never ordinary and always extraordinary. It's a script that demands your attention and makes you want to look away and yet you can't ever keep your eyes off it.

It's Greek tragedy. It's pantomime, it's soap opera. It can be Balboa losing to Creed. It can be Balboa losing to Lang. Yet if you rub your eyes and take another look, all you ever see is Balboa fighting Hulk Hogan. It's ridiculous yet familiar. Every finale leaves you physically and mentally drained and yet you know it won't be cancelled and it will return for yet another season.

And you will be back again for more. Because you'll never cancel your subscription. Why would you with all the other boring lifeless crap out there?

The next story arc is now in post-production. Budget being discussed. Casting might see a few changes. The director looks to remain the same. The tagline doesn't change. It never changes.

Love the shirt.

More dramatics on the other side of the summer detox. Guaranteed.

COYS.