Berbatov: The Saviour of Spurs?

If there is one diamond amongst all the coal, it surely has to be Dimitar Berbatov. Graceful, intelligent, wonderful vision and first touch and a supreme finisher. Oozes so much class that he greases his hair with it.

People had the cheek to mutter the name of Sergi Rebrov when we signed the beautiful Bulgarian.

"He's gonna flop!"
"£10M? You're 'aving a larf, chief....you could buy fifty Bobby Zamora's for that"
"Domonic Beersbarak? Probably struggle in the Prem", David Pleat remarked.

Berbs, at the Lodge earlier today

Yet it took him half a season to find his feet and turn into the talisman that this club has been on its knees begging for, begging like a crack whore who is willing to sell her mouth for $5.

A truly world class player. The first, arguably since the legendary Jurgen Klinsmann. And yet I find myself sick, sick to the very depths of my gut. Deja vu does that to me. The previous occassion I felt like this was last summer when we had the wool pulled over our eyes and lost Michael Carrick to Manchester United. Its a patented trick. One the chairman revels in. One he aims to achieve as often as possible to make sure those profit margins look good for Mr Lewis.

Club buys player.
Club allows player to show the world what he can do.
Club claims the player isn't going anywhere.
Club (in reality) doesn't do a thing to keep the player.
Player decides to move on.
Club sells player for 2 or 3 times the amount.
Club fails to replace the player.
Club stagnates.
Chairman builds a second indoor swimming pool.

Fact of the matter is, that with two games left in the season, Berbatov is already being linked with a move away from Spurs to Manchester United to play for a top 4 club (the Champions) in the Champions League. Not even a full season at our club and we're already on the verge of losing him. Look what happened when we sold Carrick. We bought Zokora. A player who has a woeful first touch and is only capable of running in a straight line with the ball (at speed) with no end result. That's like having Vinny Samways back at the club, but running towards the goal instead of permanently sideways. It's comedy that would only make it on prime time ITV.

Levy attending the last AGM

Levy hasn't built a team for the future. He has constructed a stepping stone, a feeder club for the bigger teams. We bring them in and let them go. And his bank account gets more beefy with each season.

And why shouldn't the 'star' players move on when the chairman does nothing to appease their talent? Underpaid and unappreciated by club, its left to the fans to adore and worship - in the end - a false God. For we know that when we watch Spurs in the present, we are watching Manchester United's future.

The £30M that Ferguson will pay for Berbatov will be the beginning of the end for the football club. I swear, as God as my witness, I will decimate Levy's power at the club. I've already pre-ordered several effigy's from a contact who got me a great deal from some fanatical (football fans I guess) who live out in Palestine. These will be burned in full view of the worlds media and watching Spurs fans, and will incite a chorus of 'SACK THE BOARD' at every home game, which will surely unnerve our playboy director.

Levy Effigy - Coming Soon to the Lane

In an ideal world, without Levy at the helm, we would avoid signing the likes of Berbatov in the first place, thus avoiding the abject deflation of losing a player we pin all our hopes on due to being starved of true class to once every ten years.

I've only cried once this year when Captain America was assassinated in Civil War: Epilogue (Captain America #25). I will shed a tear once more in a month or two when Dimitar holds up the red home shirt of Utd at Old Trafford with a grinning Alex by his side. But that tear will be followed by a flood of discontent. The effigy's are just for starters. I have t-shirts and glow-sticks (when positioned correctly by the right amount of people, it will spell out 'GO TO HELL LEVY'). The South Stand in an evening kick-off will never look so majestic.

I'm ready for war Levy. Are you?

A letter addressed to me

My 'One Hotspur' official membership pack includes a rather dubious letter from the chairman. Now, I'm not naive and quite clearly understand that every season ticket holder has received a replica copy. Printed signature rather than personally signed, of course. More evidence displaying that Daniel Levy doesn't truly care about the fans. Anyone can mass produce letters and have their signature printed on it. Proof of how detached he is from the common man at the Lane. I've also heard that West Stand season ticket holders get a hamper consisting of bagels, pickled herring and Gefilte fish with their renewal forms. Us and them. It will never change while he sits on the throne.

Here's the content of the letter:

Dear Mr XXXXXX

It has certainly been a busy conclusion to another fascinating season and, as I write here is still so much to play for.

You could all see our development last season as we battled for a Champions League place right up until the last kick, while this time around our lengthy runs in the cups, and recent upsurge in the League, has resulted in some marvellous entertainment at White Hart Lane.

The special atmosphere our supporters create at the Lane envied by many and often commented on by our players. And your immense support on our travels in our first season back in Europe has been unswerving.

Thank you for your support and I look forward to welcoming you back to White Hart Lane again next season.

Daniel Levy
Chairman
Totttenham Hotspur Football Club

Have you ever read such drivel? Time for a de-bunk.

It has certainly been a busy conclusion to another fascinating season and, as I write here is still so much to play for.

'....as I write here is still so much to play for' - This is not the Queens English. Is this Levy's attempt at 'street talk' in order to appeal to the younger generation of Spurs fans? Pathetic. As for its message, by 'busy' Mr Levy surely means 'desperate' in that we are not in a comfort zone at this late stage of the season due to needing maximum points from the final 3 games. That and the fact that he is almost Jolish in his deliver by subconsciously hinting that if we fail its because we are set to suffer from fixture congestion.

You could all see our development last season as we battled for a Champions League place right up until the last kick, while this time around our lengthy runs in the cups, and recent upsurge in the League, has resulted in some marvellous entertainment at White Hart Lane.

Having to refer back to last season towards the end of this season, is confirmation that we don't have that much to sing and dance about, made even more ironic that last season was an abject failure. As for 'lengthy runs', this only serves to bring back memories of the build up to the West Ham game last year that saw us lose 2-1 and drop from 4th to 5th.

Upsurge in the League simply means we've started to win again after a woeful Christmas period. Surely winning is what should be achieved at all times, so upsurge refers to the fact that we were poor for a period of time long enough to affect the teams position - resulting with uncertainty over whether we will have UEFA Cup football next season.

As for 'marvellous entertainment', if getting dicked 4-0 at home constitutes entertainment then we are doomed. Twice we've failed to beat Arsenal and Chelsea knocked us out of the FA Cup. Seems that Levy is happy with this standard of 'entertainment'.

The special atmosphere our supporters create at the Lane envied by many and often commented on by our players. And your immense support on our travels in our first season back in Europe has been unswerving.

Yes, wonderfully special as we boo every touch Jenas (your poster boy) makes as he stumbles and fumbles all over the pitch. Or when we scream out in confusion when Jol makes questionable substitutions and tactical changes. And there's nothing out of the ordinary with our support away from home in Europe. We haven't been there for so long, its not exactly unexpected for a mass of Spurs fans to make the journey to second-tier continental clubs, desperate for a day out.

Thank you for your support and I look forward to welcoming you back to White Hart Lane again next season.

Oh don't you fret, I'll be there mate with bells on. I'm so fucking loyal to the cause that I'm willing to pay £609 for a season ticket just to burn it at the end of the season, then shower your convertible Merc with the ashes while you sit in the front ready to drive down the high road, showing my discontent at your continued mis-management of the club. And this time, I'll make sure to check the number plate. Not my fault that so many of you West Stand bourgeoisie drive flash sports cars.

Thats all for now.

Preparing for the worst

Commentary on this weeks tabloid hype

Vagit Alekperov - 48th richest person in the world with an estimated cool £6.3 billion net worth. Allegedly interested in buying our beloved club. The story was reported in one of the tabloids (the Daily Mail) and included several instances of trademark journalistic half-truths and mis-information. Stating that Levy was 'a lifelong Tottenham supporter' almost made me swallow my tongue. Another classic propaganda piece stated how Charlie Lewis (the son of the man that doesn't appear to exist - Joe Lewis) will apparently assist Levy with bringing success to Spurs. How so exactly? If the Lewis family gave a shit, they would do what's needed to elevate us to the next level instead of allowing the incompetent Levy to continue his stagnated approach to the challenge of achieving top 4 status. We sit outside the top 10 (in 14th) when it comes to our financial value. 14th. That's mid-table mediocrity. Something Levy is quite content with. And something that Joe Lewis is quite obviously dis-interested with. It's sinister to say the least.

Better looking than Levy, IMO

Also this week, the bi-monthly rumours of moving to Wembley re-surface (again in the Daily Mail, via the way of an Internet forum) while they re-develop WHL. Seems modern day journalism consists of lazy reporters waiting for someone to post inside information on the net before they copy it and run it as an exclusive. What next? Messi to sign for Spurs for £70M? The age of reporting factual information is over. Make something up and print it is the future. Something that bides well with the wolf in sheep's clothing, Levy. Anyways, back to the stadium.

Hopefully, if they have any sense, it will look like this when completed:

Enclosed (rather than open-air), so that the loudest fans in the world can shatter the ear-drums of the opposition, while they bleed goals in the new fortress. Oh, can I dream.

I'm surprised Levy hasn't suggested ground sharing with the other lot down the road. Though having us sit in Wembleys red seats for a season or two probably amounts to the same thing. Compounded with the fact that the national stadium is in South London adds further insult to injury. Spending money on re-building the Lane will probably be funded by the sale of Berbatov and Lennon to Manchester United. Which means a new 55,000 capacity for a mid-table side is an unnecessary step backwards, as we would be financially crippled without first partaking in the lucrative Champions League. Something we wont get into without Berbatov and Lennon. Catch-22. Levy's iron-cast excuse for on the field failure that he dare not whisper to others.

Field Mission Fails

I was unable to complete my second field mission of the week on account of the guard dog that the Levy family now have patrolling the garden during the late evening. Vicious little thing. I hate Papillons. Did not have my repellent belt and plastic bag containing pieces of steak, so decided not to venture into the grounds unprepared for combat. Had the steak with mushrooms and mash when I got home.

Spent the night looking ahead to our remaining games:

(A) Charlton
(H) Blackburn
(H) Man City

Already, defeatist Jol is preparing his excuses has he grumbles about fixture congestion. All because we have to play 3 games in the space of 6 days. Well so fucking what. I have to go to work five days on the trot, working 8 hours a day. And at no point do I find time during my working day to lay down and have my legs massaged and rubbed. That only happens on the weekend and costs £40 (£60 with extras).

5th spot is in our hands if we claim 9 points. How can we fail when this months official Spurs magazine Hotspur claims that Jermaine Jenas is 'the heart and soul of the Spurs midfield'. This is akin to Time magazine sticking Paris Hilton on the cover and proclaiming: "Paris: Why I'm running for Presidency".

Jenas is the embodiment of everything that's wrong with this club. He is Levy's poster boy. I've decided that after the last weekend of the season I will be addressing Mr Levy via blog and email with my review of the 2007 season with a 'Dear Mr Levy' letter. Knowing full well his minions at White Hart Lane have probably IP blocked this website via their firewall to 'protect' their master from my stinging words, I will be hand-delivering the letter to Mr Levy himself. I do not care for the consequences. Even if the last attempt to do this ended with three jobsworth Waitrose security men pulling me to the ground in the wine section while Levy stacked his trolley with Burgundy.

I will continue to rage against the machine, God willing.

Lodge Visit

It would appear that there is some form of elitism taking place at the Spurs training ground. I understand that viewing training as an ordinary Joe Bloggs of the public (like say, a fan) is out of bounds unless you are an invited member of the press or possibly one of Levy’s polo team mates or a sponsor of other recreational activates Levy partakes in. I wasn’t there to watch training, but after yesterdays fiasco I was hoping to possibly catch a glimpse and witness a marked improvement involving sit-ups, defending set-pieces and British Bulldog.

I was also hoping to talk to one or two players. Unfortunately I only met Anthony Gardner. I rejected his offer of a signature, informing him I had no literature for him to scribble his name on. I then had to explain that my Ted Baker shirt would not be best suited for a permanent marker. He had three permanent markers, and attempted to sign one to give to me. It took me a full twenty minutes to get rid of him and had to fake a phone call from my mother before he finally left me in peace.

Actually, I also spoke to Robbie Keane. Though technically speaking, I didn’t actually say anything to him. He did most of the talking. And by most of the talking I mean shouting abusive language and waving his middle finger at me. I don’t speak Irish anyway, so not sure what pleasantries he was attempting to communicate to me. In my defence, I believe I gave him ample opportunity to make use of his ABS braking system. I mean, what’s the point of having a flash car if you’re not going to put it to the test every now and again?

Was not a fruitful day to be quite honest. Decided fairly early on that I may need to………lets just say, visit during out of office hours and set up camp for the next day. Cough.

There were one or two others there hoping to catch a glimpse of something vaguely interesting. I noted one person, hanging upside down from a sturdy branch as he gazed towards the Lodge, eager-eyed and alert. Didn’t even notice when a bird dropped its business on his shirt. Very focused on the job at hand. Not very polite though. He told me to go fuck myself when I inquired whether he had seen Torres arrive for a potential pre-contract signing. Seems his 'In The Know' info is more reliable than mine.

I’ve made a note in my calendar to place him under surveillance. He may prove to be of use.

Called it a day by the afternoon. Need to prep for another field mission at Levy’s home this evening.

Over and out.

Bum Rush

The photo to your left was the scene at todays 'training' session at the Lodge. While I was at work, slaving away in Microsoft PowerPoint and Project, wondering if I'll have a spare ten minutes to eat a sandwich from Pret, representatives of the club - the players - earning up to 3 or 4 times my wages were playing silly beggars with Radio celebrities.

This has obviously been sanctioned by Levy. A mis-guided attempt at tapping up the yoof of today, to make us look sexy and trendy via Radio and Internet coverage so that potential new 'untapped' fans don't select a top 4 club to support but choose us because our players know how to fuck about with Christopher Moyles and someone called 'Comedy Dave', who by the look of him would fit in wonderfully well in our back four along side Daft Dawson and Silly Stalteri.

The picture, above, serves only one positive, in that it appears like Robbo is about to catch something for the first time this season. Either that or he's dropping balls again. If we lose against Charlton on Monday I will hold the BBC partially responsible along with Levy and will aim for some form of compensation for dropping points. Otherwise, I'll be the one dropping something, as I bend down to greet him outside his driveway.

As for Jol, once more, he shows lack of backbone by allowing his authority to be undermined by the publicity machine which appears to take precedence over what is surely the most vital few weeks in the clubs recent history. No evidence that an actual first team training session took place today, and pictures don't lie.

I plan to take tomorrow off work and visit the Lodge.

Tier membership and the new home shirt

Levy's marketing department have struck twice in quick succession, digging their poison soaked spur deep into the chest of unexpected fans and ripping out their still beating hearts while they feast on the blood like starved vampires. I am quite obviously referring to:

• The new Spurs 125th anniversary home shirt
• The new membership scheme

Let's start with the membership. The tagline is:

“In a world full of Uniteds, Citys and Rovers, there is only One Hotspur.”

This should be re-worded to read:

"It's a world full of disappointments, let-downs and choking....yes, its Hotspur "

We have gone the way of tier membership, creating differing class of supporters within the North, South and East Stands (West Stand is corporate and thus does not count) and the angry discontent echos from Bruce Grove all the way to Northumberland Park. Its scandalous.

Here is the tier structure, stripped of its colourful (yet ultimately false) advertising hype:

One Hotspur Lilywhite – For the fan who prefers to sit on his armchair and watch Sky Sports because he feels priced out by the extortionate cost of watching Spurs live.

One Hotspur Bronze – For the fan who deludes himself with the fantasy that one day he will actually possess a season ticket in his own name. Identical to the Lilywhite option with the added illusion that Bronze means you're just that bit closer to watching all of Tottenham's home games. Make sure you bring your deck-chair as you take your place behind the other 23,000 mugs on the waiting list.

One Hotspur Silver – For the supporter who wants to suffer every league match and watch yet another transitional season unfold before their eyes. No discount for the 5 minutes you miss at the end of the game as you leave early to avoid the traffic home.

One Hotspur Gold – For the fan who already owns a season ticket and wants to once more attend every game played at home, in the League and Cup competitions (which are only won by the Top 4 clubs) by way of a home Season Ticket and subscription to the Home Cup-Tie Ticket Guarantee Scheme that allows the club to charge your credit card anything they like for European games. If we don't have Europe, a special discount takes effect, coinciding with early cup exits in the two domestic competitions.

One Hotspur Platinum – For the mug who wishes to go to every game, home and away through owning a home and away Season Ticket plus subscription to the Home and Away Cup-Tie Ticket Guarantee Scheme because he wishes the club to drain him of all his resources both finanacially and mentally until he is nothing more than a broken shell of a man, sitting in a rocking chair drooling like an old dog that needs to be taken out back and shot.

Yes, hand over your hard earned cash so that Levy can afford his bling lifestyle while the fans continue to ask questions why we are still light years away from being a top 4 club. But still charge top 4 prices for anything Tottenham related. I still believe in the theory that subliminal messages are being transmitted (how else can you explain the loyalty?), both visually via the Jumbotron and hidden within the lyrics of Chas and Daves 'Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur' and the ultra-depressive and dreary Manilow anthem 'Cant Smile Without You' that sometimes get's played at the end of games.

Some distrubed characters in the Park Lane Lower actually sing it - or should that be cough it out from the very depths of their lungs. Though it must surely be done in jest? Does strike me to be a form of terrace social commmentry with various satirical undertones that echo around the Lane as a testemant of rejection to Levy's Empire. No one could seriously compare 'Cant Smile Without You' with 'You'll Never Walk Alone', so why even attempt to sing it with a straight face?

Anyway, for the record, I will be opting for a Gold membership. This will allow me legal access into the ground, though the court order banning me from the West Stand is still in-effect (and will be so till late 2013).

Let's move onto the home shirt. 125 years of Tottenham Hotspur. Last year we got the Puma shirt. Incidently, 'Never Red' (the contradictory marketing campaign for the Spurs clothing range) doesn't include the shirt the players perform in. Which you'd think is the most prominent item associated with the club. And yet we get a splash of ugly red on the front of it. The shirt design itself was average. The 125th anni version appears to have de-evolved the design further.

The blue trims are gone and the collar has changed to a v-neck. That's some way to celebrate 125 years. Change hardly nothing on the design, then charge £40 for the privilage.

This is another blatant urination from above. It's an in-joke, I assure you, that Levy and the directors at the Lane deliver each season to prove the majority will pay for anything, no matter the quality or price and that they can continue to make profits off the backs of the brainwashed masses.

I will not be purchasing this, or any other replica shirt. I have no intentions of funding the infidel and his oppression. That, and the fact the club shop have repeatedly refused to print 'FUCK YOU LEVY' on the back of a shirt. Whatever happened to freedom of speech in this once great and proud country?

Field Report (2nd May)

Watched the Milan v Utd match this evening. Wonderful performance from the Italians, guided by the brilliant Kaka. 3-0 was a fair result on display, though I didn't quite catch much of the second half as the tv screen was obstructed and I didn't want to use my mobile to tune into 606 to listen to the commentary. The risk factor was too high. Jack Bauer never abuses his cell phone for personal usage when on a mission.

Luckily my PSP-10 Cybereye second generation multi-purpose night vision system with head-mountable (cushioned for comfort) and additional camera-adaptable, c/w 2 stage IR illuminator functionality gave me the option of concentrating on Mrs Levy via the upstairs bathroom window for a good twenty minutes, which provided me with ample alternative orientation, making full use of the Cybereye's recognition range. The hands-free makes this one of the best NVG's on the market.

Battery life could be better. And some kind of anti-squirrel alert mechanism would help. Vicious little buggers. And boy do they cry like bitches when they get dicked with pepper-spray.

Nothing much to report this evening. Levy made one outgoing call. He looked very excited and animated. Initially thought it had something to do with the story in the press today about Auxerre French defender Younes Kaboul joining as for £7.5M. The arrival of a Domino's pizza delivery boy thirty minutes later suggested otherwise. Tandoori Hot if you're wondering.

Left around 10:15pm. Urinated on his favourite rose bush.

Day Zero

I have returned from exile. And in addition, have decided to embrace the Internet and blog culture in my fight against the oppressor. Season ticket burning season is almost upon us with the 2007 footballing year drawing to a close, falling into the abyss that is the summer transfer window. My therapist says keeping a journal should help. Personally I believe excessive porn and midnight conversations with Jack Daniels will block out any reoccurring night terrors.