Lasagne > Fulop

Only Spurs can witness their season end only to have it extended to wait to see if fourth spot translates to Champions League football. No lasagne this time, just Martin Fulop. Would have preferred the lasagne in goal to be honest, stronger backbone.

Mission accomplished then with a top four finish but then not quite job done and not quite what we had planned when you go back to the hedonistic days that came before the month of February. At one point we flirted with a title push. It's been some season. In the end it feels like we've let ourselves down but only because of those standards set early doors. We should have achieved so much more than what we've been left with. What we've been left with ain't too shabby but in context, it's bitter sweet and hard to swallow. What we have is an agonising wait for another football match to play out before we look to book tickets for the continent.

At the very start of the season I'm not sure many believed a top four place was going to be easy to achieve. Remember the back end of last season? Most wanted Harry gone after our league form slumped. Thanks mainly to other teams faltering and us pelting it, you can now nod approvingly to the suggestion that we should have done better because of the position we found ourselves in. But then when you strip away all the hype and you admit to the defiances of the squad, the mismanagement of loaned players along with the variety of outside interference that hogged the headlines from riots to heart operations to court cases to the England job...we've done as good as a team managed by Harry Redknapp can do. He found himself in a position he's never been in before and he fluffed it. A little more bravery and astuteness here or there from the gaffer might have seen us capture the odd lucky point to secure that 3rd spot even with the blip playing out the way it did. The crux is, can he learn from his mistakes at such a grand stubborn age?

No matter our ambitions before the start of the season, we've under achieved when you take into account how much the top tier of the Prem has opened up and invited us in to attack it. We've played some fantastic stuff but we have proved to be a side that only truly works when everyone is available and fit to play. Redknapp struggled too often with the pressures of rotation and tweaking strategy and catering for growth (Bale and the left flank and roaming the perfect example of losing control). Other clubs might complain they had their fair share of injuries and lack of depth issues with squad. Fact is, Harry and the players lacked the guile at vital moments that have proved to be costly. We had a 13 point lead at one point, that's Harry's doing. I'm not ignoring that. But it's also his doing that we lost that lead. I'm also not going to ignore the fact that a few seasons back we finished mid-table below West Ham United. We now compete season in and season out but that cutting edge is still required to make it all a little less nervy. I'm sure we wouldn't be complaining too much about a 4th place finish had Barca had beaten Chelsea in the semi-final. If WBA had a better keeper between the sticks would you have forgiven Harry for all the fluffs? Probably not, right? Because if we had finished in 3rd one point ahead it still doesn't change the fact that we slumped post-Feb. Either way, it's been harder than it should have been. We also lost ownership of a hashtag. The shame.

Still, little old Spurs with their 36k stadium and wage cap are once more sitting in one of the CL places (caveat: German club that needs to do us a favour). Next season we have to be prepared to build on this season's platform keeping in mind that one or two clubs that might believe themselves to have under achieved might come back with less of a brittle spine for the 2013 season. But even if they improve, if we do so to, they'll be worried as much about us as we would be about them.

We need to fix up in key areas during the summer months. Early business and not last minute. Redknapp also has to drop the 'it's as good as we've ever had it' defeatism. Although that's unlikely. He thinks and lives in the short term. Would be nice for him to tell us it's disappointing we've not finished higher and that next season we'll aim to do so. Not likely. But that's the crux of the problem I have with him and his lack of consistency with us. Nobody cares that we sat in mid-table below West Ham four or so seasons back. It's the here and now that matters, the present day. The past is the past and we need to be led into the future with relentless hunger to better ourselves. Aim high. Always aim high.

To do so, little Spurs have to play big. Since our last top four finish we've spent £16M compared to Arsenal (£64.7M), United (£80.3M), Liverpool (£132.9M), Chelsea (£160.4M) and City (£212.7M). Impressive yeah? But we need to do more than just survive in their company. We need to be able to bully them. Get on it Levy.

I'm repeating myself now. Lucky I completed my end of season review ('The regression of Harry Redknapp's Tottenham') already. Everything I've got to say is in there.

I can now look forward to all the ITK nonsense that is about to explode in our faces. I didn't give them much stick last couple of windows so I might need to allow the therapy to consume me as the alternative is to follow England in the Euro's and that is one ugly alternative.

The end of season finale (ep 43) of The Fighting Cock podcast will be recorded on Wed, out Friday.

Onwards.

Is this the bit where I'm meant to brick myself?

Here we go then. This might just be fun. Although if Woolwich are dicking WBA early on, attention will soley be on attaining 4th until we switch onto Champions League final night to discover our fate. A variety of permutations, a textbook Tottenham end to the season. Admit it, there is no other way with us. Get ready to have that heart ripped out of your chest once more. With any luck it will be thrown back in and patched up in time for a post-match drink and smile.

I remember 2006 very well. More than I care to. I was in the depths of my depression at the time and football was key to the pretence I kept up when in public, which was basically only to go to football games or work (before I was signed off for my 'sabbatical'). Something I have joked about since concerning that period of time was the fact that when I returned home from Upton Park having witnessed us puke away our chances of a top four place, I proceeded to eat (a pizza) and later that evening experienced one of the worst bouts of food poisoning I've ever had. Knocked me out for a day. Kick a man when he's down.

No pizza for me this weekend and no Lasagne for Spurs in yet another final day of explosive emotives. Bit different this time round. It's not in our hands like it was that fateful day in 2006. Mind the gap? The gap? We fell into it and even though our olde enemy has given us an unexpected lending hand to lift us back up, we've managed to slap it away more times than I care to mention. Yet they have persisted in attempting to drag us back up. No puke, plenty of choke all round. Everyone wants it, no one is taking it.

No matter how the table looks at full time across the country on Sunday, there has hardly been that much in it across the course of the season. Between all the clubs up there, each one has its own set of unique frailties and strong points. Everyone has work to do in the summer. There might have been a points gap but there is hardly one in terms of quality and application. If there is a single point in it at the very end, you'll wonder about all the disallowed goals and the dropped home points and the unexpected away defeats. But don't bother. Won't change a thing. I can only speak for us and it's been discussed a thousand times, but we've been wasteful aided by a numerous amount of reasons ranging from tactical to outside distractions. It's like any season, there will always be regrets. Much like our competitors will argue the very same thing. Some valuable lessons learnt, 2013 is another season.

For now, all I ask for is a strong Spurs performance and three points. If its meant to be it will be. The irony is not lost that it's Martin Jol returning to the Lane. A man in our hearts, a man with Tottenham in his heart. A man that probably wouldn't share a hug with our chairman any time soon. No Dempsey for them. In addition some very pro-Spurs comments pre-match from big Martin. We're also unbeaten at home for an age in London derby games, and so on. I hate all the build up, it screws with the head. I'll probably gorge on re-heated pizza if we managed to lose and Woolwich dropped points to WBA.

Onwards Spurs. I love you so much you crazy cockerel. Echo of glory please.

Christ, what a season it's been. More of the same next year please, just keep the blips to a minimum. Ta.

How to survive 90 minutes of football and win by Tottenham Hotspur

Hello. I’m Tottenham Hotspur. You might remember me from such classics as ‘Comolli doesn’t live here anymore’, ‘Tommy Huddlestone’s neck is missing’,  ‘The Crosstrabulous Flaptraption of Heurelho da Silva Gomes’ and ‘Dial R for Ramosnessness’.

Today I’m here to present to you how to win a game of football when attempting to do your very best to lose it. In order to produce this paradox you first need to set the foundations. Then build on it. Then take a step back to watch it crumble. But don't fret. It’s all just an illusion, an elaborate plan to trick. The Prestige being that the false sense of security is nothing but a trapdoor for the unsuspecting opposition.

Do not mistake this for anything less than it is; an art form.

Part I – The Classic away game performance (45 minute version)

A false sense of security

Away from home at a ground where league wins are rare (one since 2002), there is no shame in playing a game of containment. Onus is always on the home side to take the initiative. Start the game with assured confidence, movement and patience. Counter attack with intent and be clinical with chances presented.

Momentum

With the possibility of claiming another win and thus 22 from 24 points, go into the break 2-0 up practically cementing continuation of good form. Do so with devastating elegance. For example:

1-0 Delicious cross field pass from a forward (Ade) in a deep position, into space for marauding right-back (Walker) to run onto, beat a player and cut back to a winger (Lennon) who then plays a tantalising ball across the penalty area to be smashed in (Bale) via a defenders body. Punishing.

2-0 Sublime flick from winger (Bale) to winger (Lennon) sharing flank and space, who proceeds to dazzle and dink into the penalty area finishing superbly. What a fantastic run.

Half-time positivity

Go into the interval with the knowledge that similar control of the second half in terms of patience and composed work ethic will head towards a killer third goal and potentially a comfortable win. If the home side step it up a notch, then a two goal cushion leans towards a tactical sacrifice and the possible substitution of Sandro on so that the midfield is armed and equipped to battle.

example footnotes:

Is that the much maligned wingers-swapping-wings ideology that Redknapp has been scorned for? Not quite. Inter-changing is altogether a different beast and it appears to have awakened the sleeping giant in the small frame of Aaron Lennon. He might spend parts of the game on the outside looking in, but when he comes alive he produces assists/goals. Ade, the non-scoring forward, an almost false position on the pitch, coming deep to collect the ball. Parker, the engine that continues to drive us forward. Luka effective in silent mode helping out offensively and defensively. Only downside is Rafa who left his magic boots at home.

Part II – Doing the exact opposite of what is required to preserve the lead

The ‘second-half lapse’ to avoid at all costs

Conceding an opposition goal just after the half re-starts or within 10 minutes must be avoided.

Opening 10 minutes of second-half

Opposition fail to score a goal early in the second half. We score it for them. i.e. With all the shot-stopping and defence splitting passes, when we do concede always make sure it’s a goal birthed from a mistake. The more untidy, the better.

Begin process of regression

The one trait missing from the THFC genetic make-up is bossing a game out. That’s either home or away, when the opposition are plucky or fired-up from a position of defeat. Retain possession, adapt in midfield to counter any problems that a renewed home side might present. Do not sit back and soak up pressure like a sponge the size of North London.

Regress

Soak up pressure like a sponge the size of North London.

Regression complete

Continue to allow home side to attack with little reply. Ask your forty year old goalkeeper to move about a bit between the sticks. Pray. Lose your composure and allow the home side to rain down on goal with shots on target. Surrender possession in the absence of blindfolds.

When making the first substitution do not bring on Sandro. When making the second substitution wait until the supporters have chewed through their nails and have bitten into their flesh and have teeth touch bone, then bring on Sandro.

Beckon the equaliser

Contentious handball incident + a goalmouth scramble, all good ways to ruin your day. But continue to defy the inevitable by having one of the smallest men on the pitch clear off the line.

Part III – Pull the panties off Lady Luck with your teeth, then give her a cheeky love bite

Winning by doing as little as possible to win, except score again and not concede which happens to be the two things you need to do to win

As Fulham perceiver with their attempted redemption having been out-thought in the first half by dominating the second, allow another example of this brave new Spurs world to shine through. Counter and score, but make sure it’s deflected in just for good ironic measure. A gentle reminder to the hosts that if you’re:

a)     Not going to take your chances
b)     Fail to capitalise on retaining pressure in the midfield (and suffocate us from regaining any foothold  in midfield)
c)     Make substitutions that were not required
d)     Have 31 shots on goal compared to nine

You’re going to get bitch slapped for your lack of bastardality. In addition, dry your eyes out if one of our players hugs the ball when earlier one of your players pushed one of ours to the ground.

Win the game 3-1 even with your manager not present to prove he can win games without even turning up. He might have hair but we don’t care, Harry Harry Redknapp.

Part IV – Post-match rhetoric and analysis

Deserved/Undeserved/Jekyll/Hyde

The cliché that the Spurs of old would have lost this should be mentioned, preferably a dozen times in conversation post-match per supporter. Spurs have moved on from that particular revision to one with a far more vibrant template for success. We still don’t boss games we should be bossing but winning ugly or when sustaining constant pressure...these are the ilk of games that other teams end up losing and only a few ever get to win. That Spurs team of old, for example would have been far more prone to a capitulation with a sorry air of familiarly and apologetic head shaking.

So when you add the deserved wins with the undeserved wins you continue to redefine the template to prove that if you win, regardless of the manner, you deserve it (unless you cheated). Lucky points equate to a knack of being able to survive when most expect to see you roll over and die. But then how lucky do you have to be to score three goals away from home? Lucky Efficient Tottenham.

It might not tell us much when it happens in isolation but if it forms part of a renewed attitude in the midst of a run of undefeated performances, then embrace it. Winners win even when they’re not meant to. Do it regularly and it becomes second nature. Dare I say you will the win towards your chest and out of the reach of the opposing side.

Allowing the opposition to pass the ball and pressure is just dandy when you are solid at the back but not so much when you are not and still continue to invite them forward time and time again. Shape might have been lost, questions relating to player conditioning (physically and mentally) and lack of deceive astuteness of required shrewd tactical changes still remain answered. But the momentum survives intact and belief further consolidated even if we rode our luck thanks to spirit and fortitude.

Roll with the punches.

Conclusion

I am Tottenham. Three league defeats since April.

I am Tottenham. Gritty.

I am Tottenham. The easy way is no fun.

I am Tottenham. I have gone through puberty. I’ve grown a forest of hair and have now shaved my balls and studded my cock.

Hard even when limp. You don’t want me in your face.

That's how to survive 90 minutes and come out on top. Remember, don’t try this at home. Unless you’re playing newly promoted sides and want to prove your fertility for point accumulation.

I love Martin Jol, I like Harry Redknapp

There was something rather special about Martin Jol and the relationship we shared with him. It was a two-way thing. He loved us as much as we loved him. Although he never broke out in song and serenaded the Park Lane he did take to the mic on one occasion to thank us all for the support. Poor bastard even thanked Daniel Levy on that day.

He’s the dad you had in that parallel universe you often dreamt about where you're half Dutch. He understood how to make a connection with the supporters without any of it appearing contrived. His personality was so infectious that for the first time in an absolute age Spurs would get decent press from the journos. Perhaps they were scared of a Jol bear-crush hug, but regardless we all lapped it up. He was sincere, jovial and yet commanded a presence strong enough to inspire team spirit and unity. Football was good too. His soundbites were also pretty decent. English cup of tea, anyone?

We all know how it ended. The Director of Football system corrupted and soured and destroyed, leaving Jol checking his text messages whilst sitting in the dugout mid-game to discover he was going to be sacked. At the time there was genuine guilt felt by myself. Not that I was taking responsibility for anything the chairman and the DoF were cooking up. Rather the fact that it was inevitable it would lead to this. The Berbatov saga and the overly ambitious agenda to step up a further level undermined him and although we don’t truly know what happens behind closed doors, the script had been written months earlier and everyone just went through the motions. The football suffered. Whether it was because of the problems behind the scenes or because Jol had reached the end of the road, we wont ever know. Bit of both perhaps.

I felt guilty because I struggled with the latter. I felt the end of the road had been reached.

The question marks surrounded our inability to compete with the Top Four clubs at the time in games against them. As much as I’d have loved to have found out if he had it in him to build on 2006 he had not a chance in hell to do so because of the interference. Club obviously believing a transitional season was too much of a risk and a better quality appointment was required (the irony, I know). Stories of him interviewing/inquiring about the Newcastle job didn't help either.

Since he’s left he’s not been outstanding in his other jobs, enough to perhaps answer some of the questions (I) we had. But life doesn’t work on such comparisons. Had he stayed, had he the support of the board, chairman and DoF then he might have found that extra spark we required. Instead, it went pear-shaped as we are accustomed and conditioned too. Ramos won us a cup (which I’m forever grateful for) but language and headaches relating to over-complicated selection and tactics left us with...a certain quota of points from a series of games played.

It’s sad because Jol was a fantastic bloke. What he did do is set the foundations for hope that there was a chance of breaking into the Top Four. Give him credit, at the time it was a far more difficult challenge to achieve. The Ramos dip proved to be the shortest of transitional seasons and we all know what happened in the aftermath (some back to basics reconstruction work to make us look pretty again).

There will always be an argument that Jol’s personality masks his weaknesses. The fact we took him into our hearts with such comparative ease made it difficult when he was eventually sacked because deep down it was the only conclusion to a sorry mess. But if you think back, quite a few of us quietly hoped for change. A most uncomfortable sacrifice.

Another argument is that there is nothing to suggest you need to necessarily like your manager. Jose Mourinho has a certain manner about the way he works. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but you’d hardly complain if he was your gaffer if he won you silverware but you might still do because his media siege mentality irks you. Jol managed to give us the two things that matter most: Pride and good football without the necessity of self-serving his own agendas.

That isn’t a dig at Harry Redknapp but parallels are always made between the two. Their game to game record is quite similar, but you can’t compare two different states of play (in terms of where football currently sits and where it sat when Jol was last with us).

The reality is; the past is the past and the future looks bright with Harry leading the way. Personally, if Redknapp wasn’t so mediacentric we’d probably not complain too much about him (don’t ignore the fact that Jol was susceptible to tactically questions and scratches of the head many a time during his tenure). Harry’s achievements are aided both by the squad we possess and the collapse of the monopoly’s overpowering dominance – but kudos to his man-management and he deserves credit. His associations with other clubs and his single-mindedness to look after number one actually rubs off on the club in a good way on the pitch as he knows the better he does the better the Redknapp brand looks. I’d rather he didn’t pretend to be one of us if he doesn’t truly feel affiliated and continue being a custodian of team affairs as we cement stability in the top tier.

Jol gave it a right old go and I'll be forever grateful for that. Redknapp did something very few expected and continues to prove many of us wrong. Its the state the club is left in when he leaves that will allow him to secure a legacy in our history regardless of whether his personality is not our cup of tea.

I’ll let you decide if Jol could achieve similar success with the current squad we have. But then it doesn't matter what you theorise, Harry is in charge now even if Harry doesn't have many songs sang for him.

So thanks Martin. My only regret is that you didn’t push Wenger to the floor when you squared up to him. Although that would have been a little bit like a Polar Bear fighting an Ostrich.

Thank you Harry. Might not agree with certain elements of how you handle team affairs and not a fan of your media work (yes, we're popular with the journos) and your them and me word plays, but you've got to take the good with the bad and thus far the good out weighs the bad.

COYS.

Love the shirt.

A case to change allegiances

A CASE TO CHANGE ALLEGIANCES
By (a somewhat frustrated) Forza Huddlestone

 
A mate here in Florida supports Fulham, which I've never quite understood and he's never listened to my pleas over the years outlining the futility of such a gesture. Fulham is not a team in the Premier League an American would obviously gravitate toward – for that, see Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, etc. But then, Tottenham isn't a team that has that sort of allure, either.

Or it didn't when I started following them.

That was in the beleaguered last days of Glenn Hoddle, trying to make a team work with players such as Teddy Sheringham, Les Ferdinand and Gus Poyet on their last legs. Make a team work? In those not-so-halcyon days, just not being relegated was a minor feat. I watched my first game in the West Stand, saw Spurs beat West Brom 3-1, heard the Park Lane Stand singing their lungs out and fell in love.

In the time since then, Tottenham found ambition. Or perhaps rediscovered it. We qualified for Europe for the first time in an age, we fired a manager when he looked to be incapable of leading us to the Champions League, we won silverware (the Carling Cup, which to be fair, Birmingham captured this past year so it’s not anything more than a nicety), finished in the top four and finally qualified for the Champions League (where we played in famous glamorous stadia such as the San Siro and Bernabeau). Off the pitch, we shifted our attentions from the NDP across to East London and the OS. Our charming (to us, mostly) White Hart Lane simply isn’t big enough but Stratford will not be our destination with the club looking to make the project in N17 viable.

During this time, the prices of season tickets crept upward. Say this for our chairman, Daniel Levy – he knows how to make a buck (or pound, rather). He also knows we would pay that extra pound(s).

We were sold on the idea we were a big club. We finally broke the hold of the Sky Four and the bank account of Manchester City. Big things are ahead, they claimed, we claimed. Players will clamour to put on a Lilywhite shirt! Glory Glory!

That hasn't quite happened as we drop back into the chasing pack. But then Levy did warns us Champions League would not be a given every single season thanks to the renewed competitiveness of the Prem. But there were more personal reasons for our failure second time round.

The big-time striker never surfaced, whether Harry Redknapp felt we didn't need him, we never seriously tried to land one or we were just inept when the transfer market turned to high stakes. When Tottenham obviously (and desperately) needed a striker last January, Spurs tried to bring in non-striker David Beckham (failed), then in the final days of the window, reportedly threw around big-money bids for players that were never coming to White Hart Lane – Aguero, Rossi, Llorente and the likes.

Rafael Van Der Vaart was our consolation prize.

They say you can't win if you don't try, but...

The season ended with a fifth-place finish, a tiny bit of bitterness after the taste of Champions League ambrosia from the year before. The Europa League beckoned again. Luka Modric, the heart of much of what we do on the pitch, apparently decided he'd rather play for a real “big club.”

We're still no closer to that elusive striker, while trying to convince ourselves that Tottenham is a big club, while the price of my ticket in the East Stand creeps to the four-digit mark. We’re a big club in terms of support. But then one or two others could claim that also.

So my thoughts return to my Fulham-supporting mate. His reason for supporting them are less complicated than mine (his ex-wife's granddad supports them) and he wears his Cottager heart on his sleeve, bless him. (I've offered for years to pay for him to put PANTSIL 4 on the back of one of his shirts and he always refused.)

I have history at Fulham. I remember going to my first game at Craven Cottage and one of my pack sidled up to me as we walked with the supporters through Bishop's Park and said with a grin, “Be prepared to have your breath taken away…with underwhelmedness.” But what the hell, it's a better neighborhood than the N17 to be sure.

I saw the reserves play there when Ledley King was on his way back, after many of us had written him off with arthritic knees (some things will never change).

So why not support Fulham anyway? (Admittedly, I say this from the perspective of a Yank who comes over to see 2-3 games a year, not someone who was brought up watching Hoddle, Lineker and Gazza.) After sitting down and thinking about it, I decided to play around with the idea (not that swapping affiliations is something I’m serious about…but what if for the sake of argument...?).  

I found a few reasons that supporting the Cottagers could/would be appealing. No seriously, I did.

There is no illusion that's you'll ever be a big club.

In a 20-team league, how many “big clubs” can there be? Four, maybe five? This puts Fulham in a difficult spot to ever breathe such rarefied air. Even if they hit a purple patch where everything went right, they'd need to hope not only that one of the big boys stumbled, but that one of the chasing pack weren't prepared to catch them as Tottenham and City were the past two years. Sort of like the golfer in the middle of the pack who shoots a 65 on the final day of the Open – you need to hope that nobody in front of you plays well. In Fulham's terms, that pack includes Spurs, Liverpool and Everton – and at least two of them will be spending money to keep them close.

This is not to say there won't be big moments. Remember, Fulham are two years removed from a ‘European’ Cup final – one of five English teams to do so in this decade, whether Fulham's was a Mickey Mouse cup or not. And unlike Spurs, they do seem to be capable of beating Man United when the mood strikes.

But you wouldn't expect to see, say, Chelsea getting nervous over a trip to the Cottage. Or any other team in England, really.

On the other hand, if you don't have the expectations of being a big club, you won't be let down when you don't become one. Surely that's worth something.

Bluntly speaking, your games are in a better part of London.

You walk through a lovely, leafy park to go to Fulham games. To be polite, Tottenham is not a garden spot. Yes, the Chick King is a fixture, but could you see yourself going there on a day when there wasn't a match?

Fulham has the Thames to admire on a sunny day. Tottenham has pubs that are slightly seedy. As a community, it's a Premier League team away from being Hackney. The toughest thing about the area around Craven Cottage is the crush of supporters trying to make the train at Putney Bridge.

But then, Fulham actually does have an Underground station. Point Fulham.

Big Martin Jol is now managing Fulham.

You remember the big man, don't you? The lovable Dutchman that took Tottenham to European football for the first time in years, then was surplus to requirements when Levy's crack football mind decided he wasn't good enough to get us into the top four? (Where did we finish last season, by the way? Damn that Comolli).

You remember the big man squaring up to Wenger on the touchline, then saying afterwards, “He doesn't know how strong I am.” I've never been so proud to be a Yid.

He's now at Fulham. Judging by some comments on various message boards, he might get a bigger cheer than Harry Redknapp when the two teams meet at White Hart Lane next May. Assuming Redknapp is still at Tottenham, of course.

When has Fulham ever lost a tug-of-war over one of its own players?

These battles to keep players seems to occur with Tottenham every other year, at least. It's not as if Modric was the first. He follows a long distinguished line of players who have used Spurs as a training club before moving on to greener pastures. (Note to the more romantic of supporters: Skip to the next paragraph as the next few sentences will stir bitter memories.) Dimitar Berbatov. Robbie Keane. We couldn't even hang onto Stephen Carr, once upon a time. Since then, Carr has proven to be dogsh*t, but did we know that at the time?

(The “big club” Carr went to so he could win trophies? Newcastle United, speaking of dogsh*t. No offence.)

Notice how you don't see Ferguson bigging up Bobby Zamora the week of the Fulham match, talking about how lovely he'd look in a United shirt. Or Roman Abramovich having Clint Dempsey on his yacht for a few cocktails. Or Jonathan Greening telling the press how Levy promised he would let him go to a big club if an offer ever came in. Yes, they're not up to so-called Tottenham standards, but you know they're going to be there next year.

Who was the last player Fulham lost*? Louis Saha? How many teams has Saha played for since then?

*Yes, okay, Smalling. But that doesn’t fit into the standard template akin to the one at Spurs re: losing players.

Lastly, season tickets are half the price of Tottenham's.

Of course, this doesn't mean as much as it should because Tottenham season tickets generally aren't available unless you already have one. According to seasonticketwaitinglist.com (which might be as useful as redtube.com, you never know), the paid waiting list for a season ticket at Tottenham is more than 30,000 strong. In other words, you could fit the entire waiting list in Craven Cottage and still have about 5,000 left over.

On the other hand, you can get a season ticket at Fulham for as little as ₤379. Or ₤415 will get you a seat in the Hammersmith End, where you can “enjoy the fantastic atmosphere created by the Fulham faithful.” (Insert snarky comment here.)

Say what you want, but ₤415 will only get you halfway to a Spurs season ticket, if that. But then, Spurs season tickets aren't widely available, and the waiting list means Levy and Co. don't really give a toss if you renew anyway. That new stadium so imperative to so many waiting patiently in the wings.

Of course, the natural reaction is to say, “Football isn't about money.” Sort of like Levy tells prospective transfer targets during the window, just before, “Yeah, but we won the double in 1961. Isn't that marvelous?”

Football's not about money? Try telling that to Chelsea or Manchester City. I'm not saying you have to like it, but it's as much a part of the game as Jermain Defoe getting caught offside is.

Having said all this, I'm not sure I have it in me to chuck in my Spurs season 'ticket' card and support Fulham. We (Yanks) are not all akin to Bill Simmons, swapping teams like an American football franchise swaps states. I couldn't possibly look elsewhere. Would doing so mean that I had to disavow the memory of a 5-1 victory over Arsenal at the Lane or the lasting memory of watching Edgar Davids score his only Spurs goal at Wigan? Or even Woodgate's game-winner in the Carling Cup against Chelsea?

Well, no. Memories are forever. Great moments are great moments. They stay with you. Whether you stay with a club is another story. And paying Champions League money for a team that balks at going after Champions League talent might make me think twice.

Besides, I still have a shirt or two bearing Jol's likeness. I wouldn't mind wearing them again. And their  colours aren't that dissimilar to Spurs, at least when they don't have a red away shirt.

On the downside, I would be watching home games – I shuddered just now typing that – at a ground featuring a statue not of a great player in its history (Fulham does have one of those, right?), but of Michael Jackson.

That's probably the point sending me back to N17. And feeling just a little bit like a sucker in doing so.

But hand on heart…all that emotion, anger, disappointment, déjà vu, the head shaking and the air punching I get watching Spurs, the perpetual ‘almost’ team…is what makes supporting them so impossible not to. I’d rather take the pain with the pockets of glory than sitting by the river.

The quiet life is not for me.

Forza Huddlestone has been a season-ticket holder at Tottenham Hotspur since 2006.

Back from Berlin

Guten Tag. Berlin was superb. If this was a travel blog I'd chit chat about their impeccable transport system of trams and buses, wide roads and the cycling lanes that cater for the exceptionally fit females and the exceptionally lucky males.

Graffiti on the East Side, Oranienburger Straße Playboy bunny streetwalkers (I only bantered with them, honestly), fantastic quantities of beer, beautiful local women, hidden day time canal bars, clubs and drinking till 5am. Not forgetting Currywurst. And 30 degree heat.

Did I mention how exceptionally fit local women in Berlin are?

On arrival back in Blighty I've had to quickly scan the various hotbeds of discussion (mainly Twitter and Glory Glory) to find out what I've missed during the days spent fleeing various seedy establishments that were meant to be lap dancing clubs that turned out to be brothels controlled by the Russian Mafia.

I've probably missed countless references by ITK community members citing 'We might be interested' and 'it's 50% going to happen' but I'll just day dream and make up soundbites of information in my head and I'm sure I'll have all their shared insider knowledge covered off in seconds.

As for the news that hit the mainstream and worthy of a word or two...

Joe Cole

The legendary 'calculator of probability' has been dusted off once more whilst the cheap headline hugging journos and enthusiasts perpetuate ITK nonsense that we're interested in the player for a cool £3M. I say nonsense because from our perspective, it's deep in the realm of unnecessary. Another central midfielder who can play out on the flank, sort of. Ta, but no thanks. We got us a collection. The club have dismissed it, which is strange because that sort of adds weight to the probability of it being discussed internally then rejected. Otherwise, why not just release a statement on every slice of nonsense that's published?

I say nonsense (again) because, well, tbh there is no requirement for the calculator of probability to be used when Joe Cole's name is mentioned. If he's available, by default, no matter the variables - Harry Redknapp's name will always form the basis of the formula. It's a 'textbook' Harry signing on paper. If this was any other club it would probably happen even if there was no point to it. If it did happen and he signed for us; riots.


Jamie O'Hara to Wolves

Talk of it being official but won't be until either Wolves or Spurs say so (that's the only ITK that matters). Yes, Jamie has a big heart and he gives it 100% with his energy and desire and the constant running around. But that's hardly reason enough to retain him, aided by his various dips of loyalty when out on loan. For back up, for squad depth...we need something better than what he can offer. He'll do well at Wolves. Players who are tagged with 'big hearts' (and nothing more) tend to be players that perhaps lack other vital ingredients to be more than just cover for a first teamer.

Martin Jol

Welcome back. Good to have the big man in the Prem again. Less pressure than previous jobs, no disrespect to Fulham. Their fans will adore him. But let's end this fallacy about his ability. Sure, Comolli undermined him, the Berbatov saga didn't help either. But BMJ struggled a little when it mattered most. We'll never know how it could have panned out had he been supported by chairman and DoF. All we know is that in Germany and Holland he's not made gigantic leaps forward in management progression. You might want to hug him more than you'd want to hug Harry, but he might not offer much more than the statistically better Redknapp. Shame Harry doesn't have the personality Martin does. If he had, well, you work it out.

Old man Brad Friedel

Not much to say about this one. We let our loan keeper go. We need a third man with gloves, so we sign one. I still think Gomes will retain his place in goal. With CC and Friedel looking to impress in training, the
pressure is on for a better more consistent standard to be produced by the Brazilian. Unless I have it completely wrong and Brad has been offered the number one jersey, CC is number two and a young keeper is set to be promoted or signed for extra extra cover. Answer will present itself at some point in the next two months if the erratic Heurelho is sacrificed and sold.

Leandro Damiao

If I've learnt anything from You Tube videos it's this: don't take it for granted that what you see is what you end up getting. Had that been the case, then Rebrov (pre-you tube but movie files did the rounds at the time) would have decimated the Prem with his trickery and outlandish finishing, Kuyt was a rampaging goal-machine and Berbatov only scored tap-ins. You'll have seen the linked goal video before. A collection of deft finishes with some daft sitters to balance it all out. Honest footage, if anything. Excites then leaves you scratching your head.

Lazy linkage (i.e. Diarra)

Over at Real Madrid Lassana Diarra has handed in a transfer request and wants to return to England. I'm going to refer back to the calculator of probability and the Harry Redknapp formula for this one. Ex-Redknapp signing, ex-Spurs target therefore we must be interested in him. This will blatantly lead the way for Sandro to be sold to his rightful La Liga home. Either that or we're all set for a 0-10-0 formation next season.

Modric

Spurs player.

Latest Harry quote

“It’s been busy – I’ve been busy doing nothing really, we haven’t got anywhere. There’s been lots of phone calls, lots of talk in the newspapers but we’re really at the moment not close to making any signings and certainly not looking to sell any of our better players.”

Who needs the 'In the Know' latest via message boards when we get it delivered out in the open without the cryptic messages by the gaffer? You would hope it's nothing more than disinformation (apart from the bit about not selling). You would hope the directive from Levy to Harry is to keep it all hush hush and say alot but actually say nothing. Which is what he's done here.

Unless he's telling the truth. If he is, imma buy me a crack pipe.

England

Crap transport system, crap national side. I know as a supporter I'm meant to support but I'm without the desire to do so at the moment and I've been soulless with the international set-up for some time. Hope we do well, hope we qualify. Just not a fan of some of the players or the football and it's politics. I hope there's some rejuvenation at some point in the future. Crazy to think at one point in the past England was as important to me as Spurs.


I think that covers it. Did I miss anything?

Berlin women: High percentage of 8/9 out of 10s.

Flashback: Remember the hope of 2007?

What with it being DML's 5th 4th birthday, I thought I'd select an article from the first couple of weeks of the blog to scratch the proverbial chin knowingly at the passage of time and thus opted for this not quite end of season review of the 2007 season. Remember when Martin Jol took the mic and spoke to the Lane akin to the height of Beatlemania? Hedonistic days in N17. And yet the following season we once again struck the iceberg in yet another Titanic ground-hog transitional season.

Perhaps things never truly change. Lifeboats at the ready.

There's only one Daniel Levy (Sunday, May 13, 2007 at 6:56PM)

Like **** there is.

So ends the 2007 season. Martin Jol 'just' about avoids the sack with us nicking 5th spot. And he proceeds to thank his chairman by taking the mic at the end of the game and saluting the board for their continued unquestionable investment into the club. Technically, I suppose Martin is correct in doing so. £3 for a mobile phone ring-tone of the Park Lane or the Shelf Side singing is certainly a shrewd way of taking money off the fans to 'invest', along with the additional 'investments' they are pulling in via the increased season ticket prices (if you want to have the crowd singing as your ring-tone, record it on your mobile yourself for ***** sake).

Jol also arse-kissed the home fans by telling us we are the best in the country. We ****ing know that already Martin. Jesus. We are so loud that when we're away the home team play white noise out of their tannoy system to drown out the Glory Glory Hallelujah's.

I'll get back to Jol's thank you speech later. Lets take this from the top.

Home game, last of the season, against Manchester City. Going into this we could have quite easily dropped out of a UEFA Cup spot and into the Inter-Toto, depending also on other results going against us. As usual, Spurs were playing chicken with humiliation. Now you may think me harsh. A win at home today and we would claim 5th spot for the second successive season (as long as Everton failed to win at Chelsea). Would be the first time since 1990 that we would sit in a top 6 placing for a second consecutive year.

All looks good on paper doesn't it? But then has anyone ever heard of a trophy cabinet with a piece of A4 sitting in it?

I decided to attend the final game of the season with my traditional utility belt consisting of:

• Season Ticket 2007
• A box of matches
• Plastic bag to retain the ashes in (for potential ash-throwing later on)
• Leaflets proclaiming Levy as the anti-Christ

I also attended the game in battle clothing. WTF, I hear you ask?

Well firstly, I decided against dressing up as the Anti-Chirpy this season, due to the incident in last years final home game when the real Chirpy squared up to me in Block 34 and we ended up having cock-on-cock action. It's difficult to throw punches dressed as a cartoon cockerel. Even more difficult is to know for sure whether your uppercuts are truly doing any damage due to the cushioned head-mask giving added protection. Suffice to say, I set fire to his face. Ah yes, fond memories of last year. They had to re-design him after that incident. Anyways, that was then. This is the present and today I went dressed as Sir Henry Percy aka Harry Hotspur, 1st Earl of Northumberland. Very apt if you ask me.

Reconstruction: How I looked dressed like Harry Hotspur

From head to toe, I looked the part. Even grew a beard for the occasion. However, due to sporting actual metallic plate armour (none of this fancy dress plastic rubbish - I have a friend who works in theatre) I was advised by the stewards that I would not be permitted to enter the stadium. I quite obviously stood my ground, finding strength from the fact that Henry was a true warrior. In fact, I sometimes wonder if maybe I am the reincarnation of him, which may explain my stupendous resolve and passion in times of hardship.

After a heated debate and the arrival of two police officers outside the South Stand lower entrance, I was politely informed not to continue my protest if I wished to attend the game. Or I'd be spending more than 90 minutes in the back of a police van. Fascism at its very worse. I had to remove the armour. This was not something I had planned for. I had no alternative clothing with me. And there was no chance of parting with my hard earned cash in the extortionate Spurs Shop.

I now knew how Henry felt when he took his visor off during the Battle of Shrewsbury and was hit in the mouth with an arrow, instantly killing him. I had to suffer a similar indignity, as I too was lost for words.

Under the armour, I was actually not wearing much. I was wearing nothing in fact. There's something about the cold metal and the way it felt against my skin that made me decide to go commando. That and the fact that its bloody hot having to wear it and travel on the London Underground without being able to sit down. But the whole experience really helped me to connect with Henry Percy and what it might have been like when he was about to go into battle. I'm sure they didn't have boxer shorts back in those days, so it was quite authentic.

So, having removed the armour, I used my scarf as a make-shift nappy to hide my pride and joy. I'm going to take a guess and say the wolf whistles I got were ironic. And for the record, I do not and have never liked Barrymore and at no point in my life handed out sweets.

Half naked or not, I wasn't about to allow this little setback ruin my day. I took my place in my seat and watched the game with my fellow Spurs fans.

We played woefully bad again much like the Blackburn game on Thursday. Yes, we won. And yes we claimed 5th spot. But this is simply not good enough. I can only say that we must have the same kind of luck West Ham have, but sitting opposite sides of the table. We are just lucky. Evidence supporting this:

•     We can not defend crosses or set pieces
•     We give away painfully simplistic goals, usually created out of individual errors
•     We cannot take set pieces (corners or free kicks)
•     We cannot cross the ball (still no true left winger three years later)
•     We cannot keep clean sheets
•     We still don't have the right balance in midfield
•     We sit back instead of dominating possession

These defects are still present in the team that Martin Jol built and financed by Daniel Levy. Its like having a house with several holes in the roof that water drips down from. Instead of fixing the holes, you leave several buckets to capture the falling water.

Reconstruction: How I looked without the armour

We are 5th - when we should be 3rd. No excuses. Martin Jol's tactics and Levy and Comolli strategics have failed again. 20 more games this season than last, but its not like we played anyone decent in our cup matches (domestically and in Europe) until we played the teams that knocked us out.

Still no wins against the big 4 either in the Prem (or the Cups) and in any of the crunch games apart from the 2-1 win at WHL against Chelsea. But as that was the only victory, I'll put that down as a fluke.

If you take 3 games from the season that we could have won if it wasn't for individual or tactical mishaps, we could easily be neck and neck with 4th and 3rd.

I'm getting side-tracked.

Back to today. The game matched the weather (it was depressing). I tried several times to start up anti-Levy chants, only to be drowned out by 'England's Number One'. Yes, the immovable object still gets a chorus or ten every game, which I'm sure he celebrates by having a half-time pie.

As my nipples hardened in the cold weather and with the final whistle being blown, I then had to endure more cringe-worthy embarrassment. And for anyone in Block 34, I am not referring to the incident when my scarf came loose due to experiencing an 'unnecessary' and poked the young lady who sits in front of me in the back of her head (thankfully, she thought it was my match-day programme).

I am of course referring to the end of the game 'celebrations' which included various 'Player of the Year' awards and Martin Jol being handed a microphone. Now, initially, I half expected him to do an impersonation of Dean Martin if Dean Martin was alive, sober, Dutch and had no jokes. But it turned out to be a mish-mash of Winston Churchill rallying the troops and a Gordon Brown speech.

Jol is no MC

Several bursts of sound bites followed by rapturous supporter applause and chanting. It turned into a farce the moment he gave credit to the board of directors. I found myself utterly ashamed as a chorus of 'There's only one Daniel Levy' erupted from a section of the Park Lane. These fools must have been p*ssed on cheap cider - but the more likely explanation is that they are members of the Agents of Levy, a clandestine group of paid actors Levy has infiltrating the stands to make sure the right type of 'noises' are heard during the game.

Its like the CIA in South America all over again.

All the fanfare hides another disappointing season without silverware. Eight points adrift off 3rd place and still persisting in starting Anthony 'One more year till his testimonial' Gardner.

Gardner is a paradox. A man that should never have been a professional footballer, yet finds himself playing in the Premiership and earning thousands. Constantly proves he should drop down a division with his Harold Lloyd performances, yet consistently wears our colours as a utility player. Maybe Jol is waiting for Sam Beckett to quantum leap into Anthony and turn him into a hero. Newsflash Jol; Sam Beckett is played by an actor (Scott Bakula) and Quantum Leap is a fictional sci-fi television series. Its never going to happen. Anthony Gardner will never have Al and Ziggy to help him out with his back passes and composure.

After Jol's stand-up routine (he could have shat in a hat and still got worshipped by the home faithful) I proceeded with my traditional burning of my season ticket. Sadly, due to the enforced policing and general fascist state ethos the club aspires too I had to burn the season ticket in the men's toilets. This did not have the desired effect I wished for, as people kept asking me if I could share my spliff with them.

It would appear that Levy had the last laugh today. The sun, breaking out from behind the grey miserable clouds blinded everyone from the factual truth that we are once more 'nearly' there. I find myself dead, exhumed and cut up into four quarters - each part buried in each corner of the White Hart Lane pitch. All that's missing is my head stuck on a pole at the gates of the West Stand.

It's going to be long long summer. But don't think that the battle is over. I will haunt Levy like the ghost of Henry Percy. I mean literally. I plan to break into his house tonight and walk around with a white bed sheet over my head.

Anyone missing Comolli?

You'll have probably seen Kevin Prince Boateng bemoan his time at Spurs having been signed by Comolli then apparently told by Martin Jol that he never wanted him. A perfect illustration of why the director of football and the big jolly Dutchman didn't work as a partnership. But then we always knew that Comolli seemed to sign the players he believed would work with Jol rather than signing the players Jol wanted. In essence (according to Levy) that's how it was meant to work. DoF is responsible for the coach. Which is why the Ramos apppointment ended the Frenchman's time at the Lane. If Jol really told KPB that he 'had no time for him', then it's a shame. Waste of our money, waste of our time and has done nothing but stagnate the young lads career. He might be an average player regardless (time will tell) but from his perspective, it sounds like Jol was using (or not using) Boateng just to prove his point to Comolli.

The DoF should have been there for support for the manager/coach. Rather than Comolli deluding himself that he was the big boss and Jol was nothing more than the bloke who trained his signings.

Refreshing to have Harry pick and choose who he wants.

Same time next year?

Jol sacked late on the 25th October.
Ramos sacked late on the 25th October.

Spooky, no?

It’s squeaky bum time

During the summer everyone – the tabloids, the broadsheets, the Gillette Soccer Saturday crew, football magazines and various wannabe pundits had Spurs down as their firm favs for 5th spot. The reason all of them are laughing at us now is because Only Spurs™ could fail so spectacularly.
Not only have we started badly, but we’ve timed it so well that the press can now make Titanic sinking jokes based on this being our worst start in 96 years. Is this the most diabolical team we’ve had? Or the worst management team? No. And it’s only 7 games in. Yes, Derby were in a better position this time last season, but nobody, not even those zany journalists are mentioning the ‘R’ word with true self-belief. Even rival fans are telling me that Spurs will drag their way out of the bottom three. This is simply only a little bit worse than last season start to the season.

But if they fail to win at Stoke, expect this to change. Because if confidence is bad now, it will be non-existent if we still have two points after our visit to the Victoria Ground (edit: By Victoria Ground, I obviously mean Britannia Stadium).

What makes things even more depressing is that this current group of players are the ones that have until January to turn things around, and if they don’t then that’s that. Nobody is going to want to come here in the new year if we are still languishing in the bottom three. The profile of the club will change completely with regards to transfers. We’ll have West Ham pinching our players. New ground? Why would we need 50,000 in the Championship? Hutton and Bale will be looking for a tap on their shoulders from Fergie and Jenas will still be telling everyone that we can make the Champions League.

Digging deep is what we’ve been expecting (based on what the coach and the players have been spouting) after every defeat, only to be presented with yet another defeat.

But sacking Ramos is not an option just yet. Not because it would cost the club a reported £15M, but because Levy cannot, in pure footballing terms, afford it. Martin Jol’s tenure was undermined and destroyed. We never did find out if he could take us to the next level or not (i.e. beating Arsenal). Ramos was the man that Comolli felt he could work with. Yet the shambolic transfer window activities have done nothing to improve the squad. Jol recently spoke about how there was a clear vision during his time there with regards to English players, and that team has been gutted and replaced with a mish-mash that has no true balance.

Pav is looking more and more like a panic buy, and you almost feel as sorry for him as you do for Modric who is clearly far too good a player for this current Spurs team as he spends most of his time laying off passes that his team-mates simply don’t have the virtue of accepting.

No leadership. Another painfully obvious problem.

So Levy, having gone out of his way, to get Ramos – has to allow Ramos that extra bit of time that is usually not given in such circumstances. If nothing happens in the next 3-4 games, then sadly the team is in such a state that the players are simply not responding to the manager and Ramos time may well be up. Though the blame will fall back into the lap of L&C.

Elsewhere, Defoe scored again. Robbie Keane played a part in a 3-2 comeback win for Liverpool. Dean Marney looked busy and purposeful (even hit the post) for Hull who, well, you know what they did. And Martin Jol's Hamburg won away, and remain top in Germany. And every player we deemed not good enough for us (Steed, Chimbonda) and the targets we scoffed at (Heskey, Crouch, Anton Ferdinand and a shedload of others) all continue to assist their teams while our ‘superstars’ struggle to raise their game to a respectful level.

Are we cursed? Has this been on the cards for years? With our generally poor away record over the past decade or so, when you suddenly stop winning home games, that ‘R’ word becomes a true threat.

Three points. At Stoke. It’s that simple, yet why does it look like it’s going to be so hard?

Klinsmann 'linked'

By linked I obviously mean the tabloids are making it up. Jurgen, with the best squad of players in Germany, is struggling to ignite a title challenge. Bayern Munich are 'aving a 'mare whilst Jol's Hamburg are still top. So if anyone is thinking of running with this story, apply some logic to the situation. Spurs legends do not work as managers: Ardiles, Hoddle.

And if Jurgen can't work out why Munich are not clicking, then what chance does he have with our inept lot?

No Diggity

One minute, Jol claims there wasn't a problem with Berbatov, the next he says there is. Make your mind up, Martin. First he claims he didn't have to ask Berbatov to get up and warm-up in the game against Newcastle. Now he claims that's exactly the case. In his new book. Yes, a book. Probably had an extra chapter added to it recently.

He harps on about Berbatov being a bit like Cruyff. 'Gifted'. But apparently, not a figher. So, why the fuck play him week in and week out? Bit of a contridiction there Martin. Either he is good for the team or he isn't, yet you had no problem playing him and yet now suddenly you reveal he isn't a fighter. Excellent selection work right there. Stick the ones with no heart into the team to lead us.

In addition to all this, today Berbatov Senior is apparently telling everyone his son wants out THIS January.

"My son doesn't feel happy at Tottenham any more. He wants to leave."

If that isn't 'ITK' I don't know what is. In addition (the Daily Mirror) add a nice little quote from a club insider (made up) stating:

Sources close to the striker added: "Dimitar is telling everybody that he doesn't want to stay and would like to leave in January.

"He feels that he made a mistake in the summer by not asking the club to sell him when Manchester United were interested."

Thank you for stating the obvious.

Berbatov can go. World class player when he feels like it, horrific attitude towards the club. Shame really, its been a while since we've had a geniune world class player at the club, and it might be a while longer before we get another. Though he hasn't done his reputation any favours with his sulking. But then he is bound to suggest that Spurs haven't done him any favours with their politics.