The Book of Daniel
Monday, June 4, 2012 at 9:32PM by Ryan the Perplexed
And the Lord spoke to Daniel the Levite saying:
'Daniel, oh Daniel, why when I delivered you into the League of Champions in 2010 did thou refuse to seriously invest in my Beloved? Last harvest was another paltry sacrifice of shekels, offloading the Goliath, Wilson and sacrificing little on Scott of Tarsus and loaning the Togan. I have even sent you my prophet, Ari the Blameless, as your helpmeet. Oh, Daniel it is true that I work in mysterious ways, and none is more mysterious than Ari, who speaks in tongues behind car windows, alongside his driver Kevin the Bondsman.
Yea, and Harry delivered you from the depths to Champions League in under 2 years, but every harvest time you refused to take the next step, keeping the funds to build a Temple for me, fortified against the Philistines of Gillespie Road, and the heathen Moabites of Spam. Yes it may have a Sainsburys with 613 checkouts, but I am greatly angered by your actions. Instead of a striker, we have a planning consultant, instead of a winger, we have Saha the Crocked.'
And Daniel trembled before the Lord and said he was much vexed by Ari the Blameless, who was tempted by England, Rosie:47 and Sandra of the Banks of Sand. Then the Lord became angry, and winds around the goalmouths of Stoke howled, Webb failed to see Mario's evil, Ari was tempted, and the pathetic Goonites had their luck returned.
And Daniel trembled further as he thought CL was safe. The Lord then said 'Daniel, my Daniel , never stand still, thou need to invest in thy squad and cut the deadwood.' But Daniel was stiff-necked and his transfer policy could do no wrong in his eyes and this enraged the Lord. And the Lord put confusion into the hearts of the Tottenhamites who forgot how to score and Ari’s tactics were lost in the whirlwind.
And the Lord took blood, dung and avarice and brought forth the evil Despicables from the bowels of the Earth, led by a great and faithless Sinner garbed in shin pads. The Lord then blinded the pious Catalunians as they were pillaged by the Despicables. He again blinded Atkinson the Weak as the Despicables overran the Tottenhamites on the plains of Wembley. And lo, Levy was still holding out for tribute for Gio and hoping to offer a new contract to Jenas.
The Lord appeared to Daniel in a dream, represented by the angel Ledley.
And Ledley said 'He upstairs thinks that you needed to invest more to get into CL heaven when you have the chance. This is your final warning guv. Ouch, my knee...'. But Daniel told him to go forth and multiply.
In his wrath, the Lord created Fulop, a spineless wretch, to see a fortunate Wenger the Blind and his smug Goonites through to the promised land. Still Daniel would not budge and in a final act, the Lord came down and with great might (Drogba) and an outstretched arm (Cech), and intervened in the fabric of creation itself to the stop the Germans winning a penalty shootout, and finally prevent Daniel from entering the promised land.
Amidst much gnashing of teeth and wailing, Levy and the Tottenhamites became as one and cried 'How can it be that the Great Sinner and his Despicables celebrate yet we are left in the wilderness? Why do Sinners enter Heaven when the Righteous go to Hell?' And Levy was broken and wailed to Heaven in the form of another Open Letter but no answer came. And the Tottenhamites were banished to the plains of Europa where they encountered wild beasts, pestilence and away trips to the Ukraine.
Daniel then donned sackcloth, ashes and called the lawyers. And so Graham begat Hoddle who begat Pleat, and Pleat begat Santini who then begat Jol. Jol begat Ramos who begat Ari the Blameless. And Ari begat...
Reader Comments (34)
And Ari begat... exactly... who are we going to swap him for? And on what grounds? He's delivered top 4 for two out of the last three seasons. What more could a right-minded Tottenham fan expect given the competition? We're poor in comparison with 5 other premiership clubs. We're also bloody unlucky. But it annoys me to see Ari made the scapegoat. Yes, he's cocked things up from time to time, but overall I don't we should be complaining. I'm sure we wouldn't be had Chelsea not contrived to win the CL. Ari hasn't exactly been backed since he arrived. We've hardly spent a penny in the last 3 years compared to others. If anyone should be made a scapegoat it should be Levy. He needs to pull his finger out and commit to something, and ffs get that new ground sorted. The sooner we've got a bigger stadium, the sooner we can compete on a level playing field. Then we'll see what we're really capable of.
Yea, verily great Spookite, thou spake only the truth...... may your camels never stray from the paths of righteousness.
Yeah yeah thats all very creative, artistic and what not but what about some ITK transfer gossip my son!?
Transfer gossip. GNIKCUF Analka. LMFAO.
And Ari did seek out wisdom to lead his troops, when he learned of a great man called Moses and he learned that Moses had led his people out of the wilderness and to the promise land, and when he learned that Moses was only 800 years old, he said to Daniel. Moses must lead us, we must sign him on a 50 year contract at 100k a week.
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!
Brilliant :)
Harry is an idiot:
This is the man, that decided that Stevenage were a team to be feared and as such should change the whole formation to counter-act their threat....What a master tactician.
This is a man that with 8 minutes of the game left (v Villa) and Spurs desperate for a goal, decided to take off VdV and put on Parker......Tactical genius.
The guy is a fucking moron.
A masterpiece!
After what we had to go through in the Cl final and from Feb onwards Daniel has alot making up to do, fucking hurry up and buy.
And lo the Lord did spake unto Ari and say," the eyebrowed one" is sick, so we must play everyone out of position. And" Ari the misguided" agreed, and lo, Modric the magician played on the left, and Bale the thunderer played on the right, and the team played like shite. And the multitude cried unto Ari, why not play either Sandro on the right, or the winged one, Kyle the sprinter. Then we keep the multitude in correct middle order, and play with deep joy, not like a bunch of fuckwitts.
And Lo after a time of great wailing and gnashing of teeth the Lord did relent seeing the suffering of his favourite Tottenhamites and being angerd by the bile of the Woolwich Nomads who flounted his laws . And he did say unto Daniel Levite verily sonny pull thy Fucking finger out and procure at least two decent strikers,a goalkeeper and Vertonghen the saintly one or i will bring a pestilence on thy house. Daniel Levite did finally listen to the words of the Lord and invested in the mighty horde of Spurs and it came to pass that there was much attractive football played and the winning of games came to pass and the Demon Wenker lost his mightiest warrior on a free and the Goonerites sank beneath the waves never to be seen again in the Premiership.
Thus proving one must keep the flame and trust in the Lord though he moves in mysterious ways. AMEN
WOTS DIS MULUMBU SHIT ABOUT? WOTS DIS ANELKA SHIT ABOUT?
if this Anelka shit has any truth at all in it then we surely have become a complete joke
Absolutely brilliant, keep it up.
Fantastic piece, captures our collective anguish.. every last excruciating detail! The gods really do enjoy kicking us in the bollocks.
Levy's reluctance to spend was lampooned to perfection. Given we're all too familiar with our rather parsimonious transfer policy of recent times, I was amused to read the following comment by an Aston Villa fan on Skysports. He was venting in response to Norwich CE David McNally's admission that he hadn't expected Norwich to lose Paul Lambert to a club outside Europe's elite..
"It angers me when people dont see Villa as a 'big club'. (Although their recent trend is poor, I have faith they will bounce back to where they belong = top half) There is a worrying thing nowadays, that money has displaced history as what you use to classify 'big' and 'small' clubs. Aston Villa and Everton are miles ahead of Tottenham and Man City in terms of history and pedigree Unfortunately, money has warped peoples and players perceptions and shifted the way we classify big clubs (including McNally....moron)"
Lovely bit of irony that.
Utter plop!
Villa were a big club in the 13th century pal and couldn't fill Villa Park if they gave the tickets away with free Caribbean holidays. As for Everton they are a club in long term permanent decline. There's no way to increase the revenues without a new stadium, and there isn't the space or money to build a new one. Only the brilliance of Moyes has disguised this decline. Without the largesse from the Moore's family in the seventies and eighties what would Everton have won. Similar comments could be posted about the long term decline across the way at Stanley Park about another Merseyside club. Their only saving grace is a larger but declining fanbase and worldwide name. But watch this space. Liverpool are also in permanent decline.
Good, creative and amusing post, even if I totally disagree with the message. I seriously doubt that Levy can be blamed for the situation of not qualifying for the Champions League. I don't blame Ari ( too much ).
The ones responsible are the players. End of story. The fact that they allowed their form to collapse, let the Harry for England bandwagon distract them or whatever other pathetic excuse they want to use for the February to April slump - the blame is mostly at their door. That's what disgusts me most with modern players - Modric and Bale see themselves as too big for the club yet their performances were somewhat short of spectacular in the second half of the season and a contributing factor in why we didn't come third. However they can remove themselves from the consequences of their under performance by "considering their futures" during the Summer. It's a game of fine margins, if the team hadn't played so poorly at home to Norwich, we would have been there. In that game Ledley had one of his worst games ever - I think he's probably allowed one or two a decade, so I certainly don't hold him accountable, but the sum of individual performances ( hopefully with some synergy ) make the team.
There is a certain expectation from me regarding our lack of fortune ( how many "goals" have Chelsea been "given" against us in recent history - the "goals" at Old Trafford, Balotelli at Man City ) - even the rule of "the Germans will always win at penalties" was over powered by our bad luck. It does seem like fate conspires against us sometimes, but I would say this, as a player this would make me more determined to shape my own destiny and that of my club. By this I mean it would make me more determined, more bloody minded, more aggressive. I loved the fact that Scott Parker stood up to Mickel in the cup semi final. For too long mugs like John Terry, Frank Lampard and Wayne Rooney have been allowed to referee games - we need more players to stand up and silence them during the games.
As such if we can reshape the squad a little - Adebayor plus one other striker, Vertonghen. Personally I don't think wholesale changes are required, just a few tweaks and possibly an adjustment to Ari's team selection. Is there a problem with occasionally rotating the squad ? Does BAE have to play the first 40 games of the season non stop without a rest until he breaks, so Rose comes in and plays the final six or seven games ? Can Sandro and Kranjkar not be rotated in with Parker and Modric, at least against bottom half teams at home ?
I don't blame Levy for our lack of CL football. I think you have to look at the size of our club. We're in amongst the big boys, but we're not the biggest hitter. Levy knows that for us it's about flying under the radar in the transfer market, picking up the hidden gems the Manchester and Chavskis forget about and building towards a bigger stadium. Our wage structure is a good thing, we aren't over extending ourselves and Ari won't bankrupt us. The reasons to be cheerful are that Man City will implode eventually, Red Nose won't last forever at United, Arsenal could lose their best player and manager soon and Chelsea have an ageing squad and a dodgy manager situation. Add the potential UEFA finance rules and we are well placed. I have more faith in our chairman than the players or our manager.
@Tony- I think you may have missed the point a little as regards that Villa fan's quote I posted earlier.
It wasn't a shot at Villa or Everton (or Liverpool)- I was just incredulous to see Spurs being grouped with Man City (and Chelsea presumably) as one of the 'Teams Who Have No History But Who Win Everything Now Because of Money'.
BTW, you were a tad harsh on the Toffees- they've won 9 titles over many decades. Moyes is a brilliant manager though. Personally I think Spurs and Everton have a lot in common, so I never mind seeing them do well.
Spurs would have benefited more if Lord had spoken to Levy last January.
Missing out on the CL this season is partly because of the inability of the manager to motivate the players, to guide properly the team and to win key games and partly because of the reluctance of Levy to spend money in order to strengthen properly and in time the squad.
Great post, N. Build it and they will come.
Direct from the book of life..................
"As for these four children, God gave them knowledge and skill in all learning and wisdom
and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams" (Daniel, Chapter 1, Verse 17)
Really???
And in the month of January Ari said unto Daniel bring me Tevez and Cahill
and lo one month did pass when Ari said unto Daniel did you get them
and Daniel said better than that I got Saha and Nelsen
and Ari did sigh
Brilliant
O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me? Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all...
Perhaps the time has come for Daniel to admit that he hasn't the talent to deliver the Lord's will. Has he forgotten the parable of the talents? He is forever burying his shekels in the sand. He needs to invest them so that the land of the Lane can grow and multiply. Many false prophets have done the same, Irving the Scholar and the irascible Amstradius. It is time for a new prophet to make himself known and deliver the Tottenhamites from the wilderness.
And the Lord said `Daniel I don`t know why I bothered to speaketh to you. I giveth you the tools to bestoweth my beloved and you and Ari pisseth it up the wall. `
And Daniel said `Don`t think I`m getting above my station here, but Lord have you sought therapy for that awful lisp?`
And the Lord trembled with rage and bellowed `Right that`s it fucketh you. I will send the goonerites from the south east to invade Israel. Even though you may from time to time occupy their north bank territory, they will grow and create a great Arab state beside you. And they will forever nark you and remind you that you liveth forever in their shadow. And the chavites from the west will rise up and become profitable, but remain dull. And your warriors will grow old and weak and you will become known as the shiteites.`
And Ari said `it`s not my fault`
And the Lord said `No of course it isn`t and I apologise unreservedly for any inferences to the contrary`.
So this is what we have come to, using biblical language to describe the biggest managerial (from Harry up to the board) balls up ever seen in Premier League history. I have more hope of England winning the Euro than I have in Levy managing to get it right. As for Harry, as much as I love him and appreciate what he has done for us you simply cannot ignore what happened and there are no external excuses acceptable for that either. Perhaps there are many arguments to support Harry, perhaps the loss to the gooners wasn't actually the team capitulation I saw, perhaps Norwich were a batter team than us. BUT, there are two truths that are undeniable in the biblical sense:
1. If we had been able to beat an absolutely woeful Aston Villa side Arsenal would be in the Europa league. The fact that our team simply couldn't put that win together was nothing less than shameful.
2. If we had put out a team willing to tear an ageing Chelsea apart and play with guts and spirit no matter conceding a wonder goal then Chelsea would have not been able to build the confidence which beat Barcelona and then won both the F.A. Cup and the CL.
No matter what the bible says, and in the 21st century nobody with any serious intelligence should believe in that ancient history there is anything valuable to be found, our management team in total blew every chance we had, not once, not twice, not even three times but lost at least six opportunities to truly assert ourselves as a major force rather than a load of bottlers.
Levy needs to be replaced because that is exactly where the buck stops.
And then the lord said to Daniel the meek wil linherit the premier league when all the other teams go bust and you are the only team left!!! Daniel Levy is a terrible Chairman and time to start the campaign and call this awful reign to an end!!! 12 years and 2 league cups!!1 Do we want the same over the next 12 years? We need a system like Barce and elect our chairman!!
Jack - not only did we capitulate against l`Arse, we ignited their season, as we did with Chelski.
L`arse were horribly out of form when we played them. They gifted us a 2 goal lead and at that point Lennon should`ve been sent on for Saha. That one was missed, half time came at 2 -2 and then followed possibly the worse substitutions in history that played right into the hands of the opposition.
The same happened against Chelski at home - they were badly weakened by injuries and our starting selection was not made to take advantage, folllowed by outrageously naive subs.
We failed to beat Wplves at home, because Adebayor`s link up play was preferred to Defoe, in a game that was always going to be a 90 minute pinball in their box.
Liverpool away. Yes we had injuries, but against a mediocre side with an awful home record I have never been so ashamed to be a Spurs fan as I was watching that atritional dross. And that performance also proved that either Bond is totally useless or Redkrapp did not bother to teach him anything about taking the reigns.
The point is that this topic has been covered over and over on these pages and no matter what language is used the same old truths are echoed every time.
Totally agree Moe, which is why, as we all can see what is going on, Levy has to go.
Levy has to go? So sell the club then, to someone who spends more money? Bit of an odd demand...
Do you remember the Sugar days? do you see that we are top 4...absolute madness...have at least some knowledge of recent history.Levy and Enic have pumped money into the club over the seasons. For no profit. And are massively investing in a new stadium.
Redknapp you can argue either way but Levy? I think we have arguably the best chairman in the premier league. Do you see Modric playing for Chelsea? IMO Levy is just waiting for the right targets. Rather than just get another Pav. Levy has made mistakes over the years, but he has clearly learnt from them.
I feel that DL is doing a sound job. He's running Tottenham as a sound business, a going concern. The trouble is we're not on a level playing field domestically. Chelsea and Manchester City are out on their own and will get the pick of the crop of the available talent. If we think that financial fair play will level things out - we'll be kidding ourselves, their lawyers will be all over it. We are now lower down the food chain -DL and HR have to fight for the scraps in the transfer market and the sooner HR's contract is worked out the better.The Spurs board is planning to expand the club with the new stadium whilst continuing to exploit the support with second rate merchandise, catering, ground access and extortionate ticket prices. No disrespect to the owners but I would like to see more investment in the club to take us to a higher level. Perhaps DL could stay, he's proved himself a trusty custodian. In the meantime, we'll have to be patient and wait to see what can deliver.
Has anyone noticed how many managers Daniel Levy has hired and subsequently fired during his time as Chairman? While Mr levy is obviously running the club effectively from a business perspective, clearly his recruitment methods and selection criteria are at fault and just as clearly he doesn't learn from his previous mistakes. What he needs to do is admit that he requires expert help when looking for and appointing a top class manager; the investment of paying for a leading firm of executive recruitment specialists to advise him would surely more than pay for itself.