The Book of Daniel - Chapter Four

by Ryan the Perplexed

Daniel knew that his credibility depended on the success of young Boaz and so he set to work assembling a group of helpers for him. Though it was evil in the eyes of the Lord, Daniel engaged in sorcery to help Boaz, creating human-like creatures from inanimate objects to form a low-cost backroom staff.

Daniel obtained an old Pony kit stained with blood, an unhinged ferret with an unnaturally large neck and weapons-grade testosterone. He cast them all into a boiling cauldron, whispered incantations and out jumped Steffen Freund in a cloud of smoke. Freund looked around, his face turned an interesting shade of purple, and he ran up to Hudd who was taking one of his frequent rest breaks. Freund screamed various Teutonic exhortations inches from his face. Terrified, Hudd ran off, as fast as his massive legs would carry him. And so Boaz had an assistant manager.

Excited by his new found sorcery skills, Daniel obtained a satsuma, the wool of a black sheep and a crab in an attempt to revive Vinny Samways. Daniel had hoped to install Vinny as Head if Conditioning and Coaching. The experiment malfunctioned unfortunately, and instead he created a depraved Steve Sedgely, running in ever decreasing circles. Finding no use for him, Daniel installed the creature as head of the ticket office. Daniel finally abandoned the project after his third attempt ended in catastrophe, and a lumbering, stuttering abomination was created. Having no choice, Daniel made this shambles the official website, whose motto was never knowingly first to a story. Once its homepage was eventually opened, the Tottenhamites could be first hear about the signing of Jimmy Greaves from Milan and post either sarcastic or mindlessly optimistic comments in the Facebook sidebar. The Tottenhamites cried in dismay.
 
And Daniel decided to test the Tottenhamites with the launch of the new kit. Images appeared showcasing the players garbed in the Under Armour vestments. And the Tottenhamites were much vexed by this. Was the absence of Jenas a reflection of his impact on games? Were the players who looked angry or sad about to be sold? Why was VdV mysteriously moved? Was Friedel auditioning to be some comic book villain? Was Sandro imbibing noxious substances? No-one knew for sure.

And Daniel realised that like many things Sugar of Essex did when he ran the club during the 1990s, the old Spurs Lodge was cheap, nasty and not fit for purpose, much like the signing of Jason Dozzell. 

Daniel wanted Boaz to have the best training facilities. So with help of the Lord, he created a garden for him, not as far east, in Enfield. And Daniel placed the hulking frame of Kaboul at the gates to protect the Garden of Enfield by day and by night. A pack of blood crazed Tarricos were set to watch over those entering and leaving the Garden so that none would dawdle, wind down their windows and chat to the Sky Sports cameras, as was the custom of Ari.
 
And so Daniel placed in the Garden of Enfield everything Boaz needed to prepare him for his quest. Pitches, swimming pools and gyms were built, along with a cryogenic chamber to freeze the DNA of the better players and create perfect clones, as part of a new cost-effective youth policy. A wise move thought Daniel, for he could utilise the sponsors Aurasma for this, which seemed to many Tottenhamites to be another faceless multinational corporation engaged in shady, morally ambiguous scientific activities. A bit like Manchester United.
 
And so Boaz got to work, focussing on 'Dead Ball Situations', which Ari had believed to be a slapstick 1970s comedy starring Burt Reynolds. And at last a use was found for Jenas, Bentley and Gio to utilise their free kick abilities. They excelled at forming part of the wall against which the better players practised.
 
Confounded by these new ways and worried about his reputation, Ari sent his loyal disciple Joseph of Jordan to protest against the attacks against Ari's tactical abilities.
 
The Jordanite placed his teeth in his mouth and scolded the doubters 'Yea. End thy jesting about the tactics of the wise Ari. I worked with him for many years and a greater tactical mind will not be found on the face of the earth. He would study for hours thinking, scheming, about when the best time would be to phone Talksport. Ari would have sleepless nights mulling whether to go with the 'alwight lads/ down to bare bones/ 2 points from 8 games' angle. When he knew he had to win, he shifted to the 'we battered 'em/ Spurs never had it so good/ you'll ave to ask the Chairman' formation. Sometimes he could even adjust mid-game to the 'what a shot from their right back/ the keeper had a worldy/ the lads are tired' option'. But the Tottenhamites groaned and remembered Villa away.
 
And so Boaz set out to do the exact opposite of Ari to find favour in the eyes of Daniel. Whereas Ari would only talk about England instead of Spurs, Boaz would talk too much about Chelsea. Before he was banished, Ari only talked about his strained relationship with Daniel, yet Boaz would talk about his fractured relationship with the Roman. As Ari would target fourth, for Boaz, first would be targeted. If Ari would train them once a day, Boaz would train them thrice.
 
And the players were shocked at the taskmaster Boaz. Constant training meant that Benny's afro withered, and the tattoo parlours and nightclubs of Essex faced an uncertain future. For the elders amongst the squad, they recalled the days of old, under Ramos, with a modern technical Uefa cup winning manager, intense training, fitness work without end, nutritionists, statistics, and analysts. Knowing how that ended up, Daniel and all the Tottenhamites became as one and prayed to the Lord that history would not repeat itself...

Previous Chapters:

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

The Book of Daniel

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Three

by Ryan the Perplexed

After the demise of their beloved Ari at the hands of Daniel and the impending crowning of Boaz, the Hacks assembled their tribes from the foul swamps from whence they came. They were joined by the Goonites and Chelsea Despicables in their belief that there would be a great mutiny at the Lane. Yea, said the Hacks and the Haters, an uprising will take place, so disgusted would the Spurs players be with having to work with Boaz. The exodus will happen again.  Doom was guaranteed. They prophesised a great rebellion. The great stars would depart, Jenas would force through his move to Barca and Gio would join Seville, Pienaar would be off to Everton.  Tottenham would be left with the bare bones as Ari's prophecy predicted.  Corluka and Krank had already run off to Russia, though it was taking them a long time to get there because they both ran so incredibly slowly. Even Chirpy would be so alarmed at Boaz's treatment of Terry and Lampard, he would immolate himself with fire and oil and be consumed by Huddlestone at Chick King on the High Road - once Daniel had been forced to sell him for an undisclosed fee. None would be left. The Lane would be a wasteland, the new training ground abandoned except for some over-elaborate tactical plans, some untalented youths and an unfulfilled Project. The Hacks' false prophecy was sinful in the eyes of the Lord and, in the manner of their great leader Ari, He banished them to go and fackin run around a bit.
 
After their gloating at the Tottenhamites, the Goonites fell silent and wailed once they realised that their Holy Persie had studied Wenger the Blind's spreadsheets and, after conducting some variance analysis, concluded that his figures did not stack up.  Van Persie addressed the Goonites and told them that their future was bleak.  Talent had bred arrogance.  But then the arrogance had eaten the talent. And just a husk remained in the form of Theo Walcott.   Holy Persie announced he would seek a new flock of pathetic wretches to protect with his miracles and goals. Wenger the Blind would have to find a new Saviour.

And so Daniel spoke to Bale an a bid to entice him to stay.  Bale said he already had 3 year contract. Daniel was desperate for good news for his Tottenhamites, so told Bale he would increase his salary from £70-£90k per week.  'What do you want in return? asked Bale.  'An extra year on your contract and the number of your hairdresser' said Levy. And so it was done.

Before he could join the club, Boaz underwent a lengthy period of ritual purification to cleanse his soul from the vile impurities of Chelsea. For forty days and forty nights he bathed in scented oils. He would confess his sins to Daniel and show true penance for his sins. And Daniel prescribed punishments fitting the sins as follows; for the sin of arrogance - 40 lashes; for the sin of poor man-management - a week of fasting and good deeds; for the sin of upsetting the media - ritually shaving Martin Samuel; for the sin of tactical naivety - having to watch Chelsea win the CL on a loop for 24 hours; and for the sin of prolonged proximity to John Terry - cleansing with industrial strength detergents and a visit to a competent doctor.

And Daniel was satisfied that Boaz was his new prophet and he set about obtaining adornments for him to succeed with the Tottenhamites and fulfil his dream. A dream to build a Temple on Earth with 56,000 seats, extensive corporate hospitality and viable transport links. And so Gylfi joined, amidst much gnashing of teeth by the Kopites, who could not believe that he would chose Boaz over Brendan, just as they could not believe that it was no longer 1984 and they were no longer good.  With their riches wasted on mediocrity, they would be doomed to walk on, walk on, forever, sustained only by hope in their hearts, spearheaded by a ponytailed giant with a brain the size of a flea's dropping.

'Where is Vertonghen?' the Lord said to Daniel.  And Daniel replied 'Am I his agent's keeper? He should be announced soon'.  After much back and forth, Jan was signed. The Lord grew frustrated as he could not believe how long it took Daniel to complete a deal, for the Lord himself had managed to create the entire Universe in a week, and with lower agent's fees and less ITK leaks.

And the Tottenhamites were greatly excited by Daniel.  There were rumours within the camp that Daniel would sell part of his birthright to mysterious men of the East who had pots of gold and whom he had told that vast untapped wells of oil would be found below the club shop.  Twitters circulated the camp that these redeemers would be appearing imminently, bearing money and hope, and would strike mortal fear into the hearts of the Goonites.  The Tottenhamites waited with baited breath but nothing happened. Yet. 

But Luka was a thorn in Daniel's side, complaining that he was dreaming of Madrid and causing Daniel great discomfort when he texted him naked pictures of himself, just as Daniel was about to sit down and eat.  Luka enlisted a team of Croats to leak stories to the media about his impending departure.  It seemed that Luka was much better at scoring stories on Newsnow than he ever was at scoring goals. But the Lord hardened Daniel's heart.  He summoned Luka to his underground lair and told him that if he thought about releasing a statement like Holy Persie's, he would not be sold for four more years and be banished.  And Luka trembled but still made a glorious sideways pass. Storm clouds gathered.  Daniel stood up, waved his staff and thundered to the cowering Luka 'When was the last time you saw David Bentley? He was last seen somewhere in East London kicking balls into skips.  He tried to defy me and look what has happened to him.  Do you want to rot in the reserves? Do you want to see Tim Deadwood every day?'

Luka then bowed down and retreated, astonished at Daniel's new resolve.  Pleased with himself, Daniel ordered his chamberlain to polish his little bald head, but he was soon disrupted.

'We need a striker Daniel. Quickly' said the Lord. 'Preseason has started.  We only have Defoe. And he is on holiday. How do you expect Boaz to succeed if he has no strikers?'

And Daniel did what he always did when he was short of strikers.  He reached for his file marked 'THFC loan signings 1995-2012' and looked through the list to decide who he should sign on a permanent basis - Stephane Dalmat, Mido, Gudjonsen, Andy Booth, Adebayor, Konchesky, Frazier Campbell. Such rich pickings, Daniel thought, who should I sign...

Previous chapters:

The Book of Daniel - Chapter Two

The Book of Daniel

The Book of Daniel

by Ryan the Perplexed

And the Lord spoke to Daniel the Levite saying:

'Daniel, oh Daniel, why when I delivered you into the League of Champions in 2010 did thou refuse to seriously invest in my Beloved? Last harvest was another paltry sacrifice of shekels, offloading the Goliath, Wilson and sacrificing little on Scott of Tarsus and loaning the Togan. I have even sent you my prophet, Ari the Blameless, as your helpmeet. Oh, Daniel it is true that I work in mysterious ways, and none is more mysterious than Ari, who speaks in tongues behind car windows, alongside his driver Kevin the Bondsman.

Yea, and Harry delivered you from the depths to Champions League in under 2 years, but every harvest time you refused to take the next step, keeping the funds to build a Temple for me, fortified against the Philistines of Gillespie Road, and the heathen Moabites of Spam. Yes it may have a Sainsburys with 613 checkouts, but I am greatly angered by your actions. Instead of a striker, we have a planning consultant, instead of a winger, we have Saha the Crocked.'

And Daniel trembled before the Lord and said he was much vexed by Ari the Blameless, who was tempted by England, Rosie:47 and Sandra of the Banks of Sand. Then the Lord became angry, and winds around the goalmouths of Stoke howled, Webb failed to see Mario's evil, Ari was tempted, and the pathetic Goonites had their luck returned.

And Daniel trembled further as he thought CL was safe. The Lord then said 'Daniel, my Daniel , never stand still, thou need to invest in thy squad and cut the deadwood.' But Daniel was stiff-necked and his transfer policy could do no wrong in his eyes and this enraged the Lord. And the Lord put confusion into the hearts of the Tottenhamites who forgot how to score and Ari’s tactics were lost in the whirlwind.

And the Lord took blood, dung and avarice and brought forth the evil Despicables from the bowels of the Earth, led by a great and faithless Sinner garbed in shin pads. The Lord then blinded the pious Catalunians as they were pillaged by the Despicables. He again blinded Atkinson the Weak as the Despicables overran the Tottenhamites on the plains of Wembley. And lo, Levy was still holding out for tribute for Gio and hoping to offer a new contract to Jenas.

The Lord appeared to Daniel in a dream, represented by the angel Ledley.

And Ledley said 'He upstairs thinks that you needed to invest more to get into CL heaven when you have the chance. This is your final warning guv. Ouch, my knee...'. But Daniel told him to go forth and multiply.

In his wrath, the Lord created Fulop, a spineless wretch, to see a fortunate Wenger the Blind and his smug Goonites through to the promised land. Still Daniel would not budge and in a final act, the Lord came down and with great might (Drogba) and an outstretched arm (Cech), and intervened in the fabric of creation itself to the stop the Germans winning a penalty shootout, and finally prevent Daniel from entering the promised land.

Amidst much gnashing of teeth and wailing, Levy and the Tottenhamites became as one and cried 'How can it be that the Great Sinner and his Despicables celebrate yet we are left in the wilderness? Why do Sinners enter Heaven when the Righteous go to Hell?' And Levy was broken and wailed to Heaven in the form of another Open Letter but no answer came. And the Tottenhamites were banished to the plains of Europa where they encountered wild beasts, pestilence and away trips to the Ukraine.

Daniel then donned sackcloth, ashes and called the lawyers. And so Graham begat Hoddle who begat Pleat, and Pleat begat Santini who then begat Jol. Jol begat Ramos who begat Ari the Blameless. And Ari begat...

Spurs during the war years

By Sibs (SibsTHFC)

www.thefightingcock.co.uk

On the outbreak of the First World War in 1915, many Spurs players and staff were recruited to form No 1 Section 22 Field Company, Royal Engineers. They had played football together, enlisted into the army together, fought side by side together and, sadly, eleven of them died together.

After the war the Spurs Handbook recorded the 11 deaths.

On the combined effort to achieve victory in the great game of war we can look with solemn pride. Naturally, our thoughts revert to those who fought and fell. It is rather a long list who made the supreme sacrifice. They were:-
J. Fleming, J. Jarvie, Alf. Hobday, J. Hebdon, E.J. Lightfoot, W.H.D. Lloyd, A. MacGregor, Finlay Weir, A. Wilson, N.A. Wood, and W.D. Tull.

To their memories we pay humble tribute, knowing full well that if they could send us a message to-day it would be just this-”Carry on!”

Of the soldiers who died, Walter Tull is perhaps the most famous. He was only the second black professional footballer, and the first to play in the top tier of English football. He was spotted playing as an amateur for Clapton before signing professionally for Spurs, where he played up front for for 3 years from 1909 to 1912. He then went on to play for Northampton.

Tull was also the first commissioned black officer in the British Army, but when first enlisted he served in what became known as The Football Battalion of the Middlesex regiment. There were around 5000 professional footballers at the start of the first world war, and it is thought that 2000 of them signed up fight, with a number of them joining the so called Football Battalion.

Walter Tull served in six major battles, but was killed in action on 25th March 1918 during the Spring offensive. His body was never recovered. Amongst the memorials at which he is remembered is one at Northampton’s Sixfield Stadium. In 2009 plans were unveiled to have a statue of in memory of Walter Tull at the proposed new Tottenham Hotspur Ground.

Another Spurs legend who was affected by the First world war was John Cameron, one of the scorers when Tottenham won the FA Cup in 1901. He went on to coach at Dresdner SC in Germany. While he was there the First World War broke out and he was interned at a civilian detention camp. The camp contained around 5000 prisoners and football league and cup competitions were set up. Cameron was prominent in organising and playing football and was secretary of the detention camp Football Association.

Back in England football tried to carry on as usual. However, White Hart Lane was commandeered by the government for army use, so Tottenham had to play most of their matches at Arsenals Highbury stadium. A stadium that Woolwich Arsenal had moved in to just two years previously.

During WW II much of White Hart Lane was again used for the war effort. The East Stand at was used as a mortuary for blitz victims and gas masks were manufactured in other parts of the stadium. Football matches continued to be played, and as Arsenal’s Highbury stadium had suffered bomb damage, Tottenham returned the favour from Great War and allowed Arsenal to play their matches at White Hart Lane.

Urban legend has it, that to say thank you, Arsenal said they would always have the colour blue somewhere on their kit, even it is just on the badge. True or not, it is something that many Spurs supporters take great pleasure in reminding Arsenal fans to this day.

The police thought it was a good idea to keep football matches going on during the war, writing that

If there is no football each week our cells will be full because the young men of today will have nowhere to go and will fall into mischief… Let us have them in their customary winter quarters, not on the streets or in the pubs.

Any footballers aged 18 and over were called to serve in the armed forces, meaning that many football teams field very young teams. Players also played where ever they could get a game, leading to some players playing for numerous sides in both league and exhibition matches. Teams were often short of players, and it wasn’t unheard of for a manager to pull someone from the crowd to play.

Of course many Spurs players served during the Second World War.

Albert Hall was captured by the Japanese Army while in Singapore and spent several years in captivity. Hall escaped when he was one of the 58 survivors from a Japanese transport ship which was sunk in the Pacific in September 1943. After the war he returned to play for Spurs.

The legendary Bill Nicholson also served during the war. Having played a few games for Spurs he was called up to serve at the out break of war in 1939. As a professional footballer he was sent on a Physical Education course and was made a sergeant-instructor, training new intakes of troops throughout the war. The Second World War cost him most of his playing career, although he did not regret it as his experiences taught him the man-management skills which were to have such a great effect later in his career.

So on Remembrance Sunday whilst thinking of all the servicemen and woman who gave their lives to serving the country, spare a thought specifically for the former Spurs players, and all of the footballers, who lost their lives during the wars. And don’t forget the thousands of current servicemen for whom the beautiful game provides something of a joyful distraction when thousands of miles from home.