The diary of a tabloid sports hack

7am Wake up. Fancy breakfast. Check fridge, there's bacon but no eggs. Ask the missus, she says she forgot to pick some up.

'SALMONELLA SCARE LAYS WASTE TO FRY UP'- Wife unavailable for comment

9am On way to work. Running late. Signal failures. Reading book on tube, woman opposite looks up and glances at me for a moment.

'SEX FIEND PESTERS TUBE PASSENGER' - I was violated says man who was jumped on by nymph

10:25am At work. Need a cup of coffee to wake me up. Bloke in front of me in work kitchen is hogging the kettle. Looks like he's had one too many coffees already. He's wired up, won't stop talking. What a pr*ck, he almost tripped over trying to barge past me.

'MAN GOES MENTAL AFTER BRAZILIAN MARCHING POWDER BINGE' - Then collapses in heap

11:22am At the Spurs training ground. Need to write up a match preview. Waiting for Andre Villas-Boas to arrive for a quick chat for a pre-arranged meeting.

11:23am Still waiting for Villas-Boas to arrive. Sitting in the press room waiting.

11:24am Still waiting.

11:25am No sign of him yet.

11:26am I can see Bale walking to his car from the window, he's on his mobile talking. There's Andre, he's just waved to Bale and he's heading my way.

11:27am Andre has arrived.

11:37am Making notes. Andre tells me that Gareth Bale has a cold and might not be available for the game this weekend. Someone interrupts us and says Andre is required elsewhere. He shakes my hand and tells me if I need anything more to give him a ring.

11:45am I leave the Spurs training ground. Need to write everything up for publication.

1:35pm Article live on website and going out in evenings edition of newspaper.

'GARETH BALE STORMS OUT OF SPURS TRAINING GROUND AFTER MASSIVE BUST UP WITH VILLAS-BOAS'

Under-fire Spurs boss Andre Villas-Boas was involved in a sensational fight with Welsh winger Gareth Bale which saw the not so special Portuguese coach kick the player out of training and send him home. He then let slip that he was dropping Tottenham's star player from Saturday's game as punishment. Bale has been a revelation since Harry Redknapp nurtured his raw talents and reinvented him as a left-sided midfielder but it appears there's no room for him in the new regime.

Struggling Villas-Boas unleashed hell when the two clashed in the training ground car park, punches were thrown, and Bale looked to leave under a stormy cloud, speaking to his agent on his mobile, possibly to arrange emergency talks with chairman Daniel Levy about a quick exit. Real Madrid are rumoured to be looking at him with a possible move pencilled in for next summer but the January transfer window might allow for an earlier escape.

It then went from bad to worse for Villas-Boas who failed to turn up on time for a press interview and was abrupt and rude, storming out in a fit of petulant rage still fuming from the fight.

New signing Hugo Lloris was unavailable for comment but Didier Deschamps said, "Boas is a monster and although I have no evidence, I think he gave birth to Godzilla and we all know the damage that's caused down the years"

2:34pm Finished work. Down the pub. Hoping to score a gram or two.

The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard

The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard

by Eden Hazard of Eden Hazard fame.

"Hello, I am Ayden Uhzaaarh. Belgian wonder-kid and soon to be best player in world football. My utmost preference in my career is to have the best platform possible to be the best possible player. Football is more important than the money, my progress and development is pivotal to my happiness.

In the Premier League I will be able to showcase my unique vision and excel when surrounded by fantastic players that will aid in accentuating my skills. The club I will bestow this honour on would have to fit all the criteria that myself and my family have set out in my portfolio, terms and conditions apply. A golden era awaits.

I am Ayden Uhzaaarh, of the clan Uhzaaarh, and I am football personified"

Eden: I want to play in the Premier League.

Arsenal: Hello. I would like to make your acquaintance.

Eden: Yes?

Arsenal: Oh no, hold up, sorry. It would appear my wallet is empty. I have...I have some coupons? 

Lille: Move along.

Arsenal: What if we paid you over a fifty year payment plan? 

Lille: The door. Walk through it. 

Arsenal: Magic beans? 

Eden: I'm only interested in a move to Manchester.

Spurs: Hey, what about me? You said you'd consider me, right?

Eden: Security. Security... <snaps fingers, points>

Spurs: Nooooooooooo, waaaaaaaiiiit... <man-handled> Harry will play you in any position you want to play in, he'll even let you roam...you'll get to play with Defoe when he's not benched...we're building a supermarket next to the new stadium...Europa is still Europe, you still get to use your passport...

Eden: Manchester please only.

Utd: We have Alex Ferguson. Sir Alex Ferguson.

City: 90k per week.

Utd: We have dominated for a decade and have the heart and guts of winners.

City: 110k per week.

Utd: We will make you the talisman of the side, build the team around you.

City: 180k per week.

Utd: You will be at one of the biggest clubs in world football, you will have untold coverage for the world to witness your progression.

City: 200k per week and we'll pay your taxes.

Eden: <shrugs> Money isn't important to me.

City: 210k per week plus bonus pay based on assists, goals scored and silverware.

Eden: <cough>

City: 230k per week plus everything previously promised. Plus bonus pay each time you look in the mirror.

Utd: Hey? Hello? I'm still here you know <waves>. Hey? Am I invisible over here or what?

Chelsea: We'll match whatever City offered you.

City: 250k per week.

Chelsea: Yeah, that.

Eden: Hmm...

Chelsea: We also play our football in London, the paragon of English civilisation. Kings Road, chairman's yacht, paparazzi coverage, all inclusive.

Eden: Sounds...interesting.

Utd: What? Really? They haven't even confirmed their manager for next season? They finished 6th ffs! Hello? Sir Alex f****** Ferguson anyone? Anyone? Come on, someone!

Eden: <calls dad on mobile phone> Hi dad, it's me. What do you reckon I should do?

Eden's dad: If they all guaranteed you a shirt number and a certified position in the team, then, I don't know, choose the one with the best colours.

Eden: Thanks dad.

Eden: I will pick a team that plays in red but perhaps not actual red but probably and possibly a blue tinged blue colour that is neither red nor is it quite likely to be blue unless it is blue meaning I will pick a team in England that plays either in red or blue but I will not give my decision until it is given at some point soon. Perhaps after my last game for Lille when interviewed. Or not. On camera with ambiguity until a later date.

Spurs: Hi again. Any chance you might...

Eden: No.

Spurs: Okay, bye then.

Twitter: You're boring us now Eden. But keep flirting with all these clubs so we can pretend not to care and hate you but still clog up our time-lines with a variety of wisecracks and watch them re-tweeted to infinity even though we're all actually bored of you now but can't stop talking about you still because we'd love to actually see our club sign you.

Eden: <flutters eyelids>

Twitter: Ooooooh, Eden, stop it <girlish giggles> you big tease you <blush>

John Terry: Any chance I can get involved in this? A cameo in a joke punch line would do just fine.

Eden: Okay. I've made my decision. I will make it public later. I don't think I've built it up enough. Need more people talking about this.

LeBron James: Just make a decision punk.

City: 500k per week, final offer, plus we'll move London to the outskirts of Manchester. Or at the very least stick it on some wheels and pull it up every other weekend.

Eden: I've decided to join the Champions League winner. 

City: We've won that!! That's us!! Oh no, hold up. My mistake. The tattoo says 2013.

Chelsea: As easy as plucking a rare painting from a gallery wall.

Eden: I was always going to join a London club <laughing>.

Spurs: Oh great.

Arsenal: Nice one. Way to rub it in.

Spurs: Sigh. Might as well go and sign Junior Hoilett now.

Arsenal: No way! We're going to sign him.

Spurs: Fight ya for him! <scuffle>

Utd: Luka it is then.

Levy: £40M.

Utd: Carrick it is then.

Adel Taarabt: If anyone is interested, I'm still available. Real? Barca? New Zidane over here.

Eden: I am now on the path to glory.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Your lust for power has already done that. You have allowed all this hype to twist your mind until now...until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Eden: <shrugs Tony Sopranoesque> What you gonna do?

Alan Shearer: Who the hell is Adam Hapzide?
 




The Stupendous Adventures of Eden Hazard will continue, this up and coming season, only in the English Premier League.

More Stupendous Adventures here.

Taarabt revisited

It's like I was fighting myself, defending valiantly against the truth. The voices in my head not screaming loud enough.

From June 27th 2011, via an article on Adel and Gio.

This one has yet to conclude as it's still on the march to a satisfying (or otherwise) finale. The opening three or so months of the new season will tells us whether we were right to get rid of him (that's if he's not been signed up by Jose).

Here's a lad called a genius by Redknapp then shifted out on loan, then sold. Sometimes, on occasions, players have to be sold on for them to truly find their place and develop and mature. Whether it's a reality kick in the teeth or simply the aid of a prolonged run of games (even if it's a league lower than where they started from) it's quite easy to say in hindsight 'we should have kept hold of him'. Had we, he might still be on the fringe of first team action or worse.

I can't comment on whether the club did enough when he was there because I wasn't on the training pitch or at the Lodge day in day out.

So what of this genius?

Pockets of plushness accompanied by playground posing. Tricks and step-overs aside, he was obviously too raw and immature. I always had this overbearing emotion that people who enjoyed watching him for us (in those cameos) smiled and laughed out of enjoyable embarrassment. Some of us loved him because of his sheer audacity to be so care-free and without an apparent air of awareness of where he actually was. The Prem and not the playground.

His loan spell was meant to fix that. He was meant to discover the art of grafting and improve that lack of self-awareness and find the right balance between tempo and team-work. But we still didn't see enough to retain his services (but just in case of an err we pencilled in a nice 40% sell-on clause) and allowed QPR to take him permanently. Championship Player of the Season later he still shows traits of self importance and priority of individuality on the pitch and plenty off it. But he's adapted well down there, just below us. He's now coming back up for his second chance.

Sustained form in the rough and tumble second tier from Adel, but whether he'll have time to stand on the ball and outwit the very top players is altogether a different question that will no doubt be unequivocally answered. One that we could not have possibly found out at THFC because he did not want to buckle down and prove his worth with us. This genius felt he had nothing to prove. You have to love the self-belief and arrogance. If Jenas had a tinge of it, he'd be < insert long-winded theory that Jenas is a confidence player here >.

Alas, this self-belief and arrogance appears to be far more self indulgent and deluded than it is Zidanesque. Actions speak louder than words but not for Adel. His words come with megaphone and neon lights.

I'm still not inclined to believe Harry 'didn't fancy him' because he was too flash. Bostock was also put in his place by Harry. Players being marginalised because of the gaffers ego? Don't all managers favour certain players and don't all managers look to move on players who have no future at the club? Hopefully Bostock will come good.

Granted all managers get it wrong from time to time.

Much like Gio, Adel has attitude and simply won't adjust it to accommodate the team and his manager. Unless that team is QPR and the manager is Neil Warnock. If you proclaim to be that good you can make it work anywhere. Even if it means waiting and fighting your way through into the first team. If you simply don't possess the patience to work alongside the skill then that's your problem, not ours. Help yourself to aid others to help you. He found the Championship more comfortable for him to bed into the English game. That's the path he choose, it's not one that could have involved us.

Extract from this article posted back in March 30th 2009.

Taarabt is Marmite. You love him or ....you know, but why anyone would hate him is beyond me. Have we become so impatient? Isn't Adel the quintessential Tottenham player? Ok, so he plays like a flash thirteen year old in a playground, ball stuck to his feet, trying to dribble it past everyone twice. If Adel was around when we sat up in 4th spot in that giddy season, he’d have made an impact. Much like he did against Utd earlier this season when Modric oh so nearly scored. It was Adel who started the move with those clever little feet.

But in other cameos he has frustrated the home support or just made us laugh out loud with his audacity and his naivety. But he doesn’t lack ability. Or self-belief. He has it in abundance. Storming performance for Morocco a month or so back on his début. And not too shabby for Q.P.R. so far. He’s also stated he wants to return to Spurs and fight for a place. It’s difficult to know whether he will always just be the flash kid in the playground, a combination of Timothee Atouba (you’re perpetually worried he’s about to lose the ball) and Zidane (he thinks, we wish).

Another extract, July 7th 2009.

It’s simple really. If Adel Taarabt was good enough for the first team, he’d be playing first team football. The fact of the matter is that he’s only good enough in his head. And granted if we were a slightly lower key club with lesser players in important positions then he’d probably get a run or three in the first team, enough to blood him for the war that is Premier League football. The fact that he went out on loan to QPR is evidence enough that he isn’t ready to stake a claim alongside the likes of Wilson.

Harry called him a genius. We (well, many of us) love him for his tricks and turns and showboating – but his naivety and lack of composure and decision making means he is more of a luxury and a liability at this precise moment in time. He is raw and needs to develop his touch. Along with an improvement re: grey matter.

But if you believe the stories suggesting we will not and do not want to sell him (resulting with him pleading for a transfer) then the thought process behind him taking time out at another club on loan makes perfect sense. Because if he shines brightly, Spurs can then offer him something far more substantial – like a more prominent first team role.

However, he still wants out totally. And a loan move would serve only as a shop window for him, rather than to any advantage for us.

Shame really. I like him and I rate him. But he has a while to go before proving he can play consistent top flight football. From the sounds of it the perfect scenario (play him off the bench as an impact cub) is not something Adel is accepting as an option. And there appears to be no option for him to be considered as a first team squad player, for reasons given already.

Malaga are back in for him again. Shame nobody in the Prem wants to take a risk. Although that goes along way to show he has done nothing yet to prove he can swagger around with true intent and final product rather than make us laugh out loud or hold our hearts in our hands at his sheer audacity.

Love his ambition and self-belief. It's just all a little mis-placed at the moment.

Where did it all go wrong? From August 20th 2007.

Arsenal fan on Taarabt:

I saw 18 year old Adel Taarabt for the first time as he came on for Spurs in the 2nd half of the game yesterday, and boy, did he look like a young Jay-Jay or Zizou.

The boy had the confidence to try things normal players wouldn't dream about, he had the swagger, bags of natural ability and looked the best baller on the park. He had the crowd buzzing whenever the ball came to him.

My only concern for him is that he came to England from France at such a young age. I fear that poor coaching and the 90 miles per hour stuff may ruin his game. The commentators were already condemning him for failing to play the simple pass on a few occasions. If this sort of thing carries on they will drive the fear of taking risks out of the boy and he will turn out like the other headless chickens that clutter midfields in the EPL.

Doesn't have the composure of Fabregas who seemed to have everything except a stubble at the age of 16 when he made his début, but Adel has undisputed ability that needs to be nurtured. He's not afraid to pick the ball up and run with it and has no problem with running in the opposite direction to help defend. He has an abundance of enthusiasm, is strong, great touch and ball skills and his passing isn't too bad either. Not afraid to shoot - but seems to do it too often. Which brings us onto his negatives which really only consist of selfishness and his shots need to actually hit the target when he fires them towards the goal.

Composure will come with experience. This kid could become a great. The worrying thing is, Tottenham and the ambiance we create at the club (joke) tends to overwhelm everyone, so God knows how an 18 year old kid is going to handle his progression, let alone how we plan to do so.

Fingers crossed we don't suffer another Blondel moment.

In conclusion. If he had the head of someone else, someone more stable and level headed and realistic he might not be drowning in his own egotistical gooey pool of hype. Then again, if he had a different head to the one he's currently got he'd be Worzel Gummidge.

A day in the life of Adel Taarabt

The Stupendous Adventures of Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Local bank on high street.

BAE enters and joins the end of the queue where people are waiting to speak to a cashier. Then suddenly...

...Three men in balaclava's rush into the bank with sawn off shotguns screaming at the top of their lungs...


BANK ROBBER ONE: EVERYONE GET THE F**K DOWN ON THE FLOOR!!! NOOOOOOW!! DO IT!!

BANK ROBBER TWO: GET DOWN AND DON'T F*****G EVEN THINK ABOUT LOOKING UP! IF I SEE ANYONE HOLDING A MOBILE I'LL F*****G SHOOT YOU!

BANK ROBBER THREE: (aiming gun at cashiers) LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS! LET ME SEE THEM! IF I SEE YOU GO FOR THE ALARM, I SWEAR YOU'LL F*****G DIE!!

BANK ROBBER ONE: OI, YOU, YES YOU! WHEN I SAID EVERYBODY I MEANT EVERYBODY, NOW GET ON THE FLOOR!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANKER ROBBER ONE: ARE YOU F*****G TAKING THE P*SS? DOWN, NOW! GET THE F**K DOWN!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANK ROBBER THREE: WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG I NEED ONE OF YOU UP TOP TO HELP ME GATHER THE MONEY!

BANK ROBBER TWO: COME ON (also points shot-gun towards BAE) GET DOWN, GET THE F**K DOWN, F*****G NOOOOOOW!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANK ROBBER ONE: ON THE FLOOR! WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU?

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BANK ROBBER TWO: COOOOOOOOME OOOOOON!! (leans forward to push BAE to the ground with shotgun, BAE Muhammad Aliesque swiftly shuffles and avoids the push)

BANKER ROBBER ONE: WHAT THE F***?

BANKER ROBBER TWO: YOU ARE F*****G DEAD, DEAD! THIS IS A F*****G BANK ROBBERY!!

BAE: (stares nonchalantly)

BAE: Robbery? Really? This is ze bank? I thought this was Starbucks.

(starts to wonder towards the exit)

BANK ROBBER TWO: Where are you going?

BAE: To get a Frappuccino.

♫ Don't cha wish your left-back was B-A-E ♫

Roll end credits.

Gio dos Santos and Adel Taarabt walk into a pub...

The landlord looks up to see the two men approach the bar.

"What would you chaps like to drink?"

Gio surveys the bottles behind the bar and responds, "I'll start on the left and work my way through to the right".

The bar man nods, "And you sir?", he asks of Adel.

Adel pauses with thought, astonished by his surroundings, then responds.

"I don't understand this joke, where is it going? Why would I even partner up with Gio and even consider sharing a drink with him in a pub? This makes no sense to me. I should be enjoying a cup of expresso el fresco with the likes of Ronaldo and Messi".

Gio laughs out loud, "Ridiculous".

Adel looks across to him, "What? What is so ridiculous about that?"

"Share?", replies Gio, "I'm not sharing a single drop".

So goes the story.

Exactly how does one go about answering the questions posed by the young Mexican and his international form compared to his Premier League isolation? Is the wall between club and country one built solely on stubbornness and mismanagement? Are we walking straight into the same paradox that has come to passing since we sold Taarabt to QPR, who then led them to promotion, winning accolades and awards in the Championship. With subsequent self-promotion hoping to finally cement that move to a Champions League club. No international football for Adel to draw another parallel similar to the one Gio has. The Moroccan has retired on the basis of being too good for it.

Gio and Adel. Misunderstood by many and controlled by few.

Have to admit I'm not sure I'm the  best to answer this question in terms of game for game analysis of performances as I've seen very little of Gio's most recent loan spell at Racing Santander and only highlights and reviews of Adel's title winning season. If we intend to base our opinions on You Tube videos then someone fire up a compilation of Jermaine Jenas best bits.

However, taking into account what we have seen (in Lilywhite colours) and what we know of the players stints at our club...going with your gut instinct is probably enough in both cases based on the (lack of required) qualities in question outside of their audacious talent - with regards to Spurs. Even though you might debate Harry's agenda with both players. Did they get ample chances to impress? With both players he gave us a clear indication they we're given the opportunity to prove themselves at Spurs but both (for different reasons) were ultimately pushed away.

Gio

You have to question the application and effort of a player who seems to be focused and vibrant for his country and anything but for his club. Barcelona saw something in the lad to plunge him into their first team squad. Perhaps his playboy personality (birthed because of his Barca break?) was always going to work against him which is why he was sold. They didn't feel he was worth the extra work to keep hold of. Or maybe cruelly deemed surplus due to the players ahead of him at the club. At Tottenham, Harry cited weekend away trips back in Barca and resulting failure to turn up for training. Gio was not taking it seriously.

So goes the story.

Harry quotes aside, with the money spent on a Barca prodigy, you'd think the club would have worked to settle him in England. He settled so well he had no qualms with doing as he so wished.

What does it matter the skill you possess, the goals you can score if you don't want to stick in a shift and prove yourself to the team and the club? It's easy to always pin the responsibility on the manager.

Just going to randomly mention David Bentley here.

The very fact that Gio plays well for his country and not for us is not because they are managing him better or giving him a free role or building the team around him. It's because he gives a sh*t for them and doesn't for us.

Would a different coach have got the best out of him? Maybe, maybe not. I reckon we - Harry included - would have if dos Santos cared enough. What I do know about his La Liga loans is that he's had some sparkling performances mix in with the mundane. His performances for Spurs (last time of asking) we're hardly inspiring. Did well for Ipswich once or twice I seem to remember.

Pressures of breaking into the Barca team so early might have elevated his ego to the point of no return.

Would I love to see Harry take him back and work some man-management magic and instil some renewed confidence in the player 'domestically' back here in England? Sure. But Gio's profile back in La Liga means this is player the club won't struggle to sell - especially off the back of his performances in the Gold Cup. Copa America might add even more value.

He's too much of a risk to keep, not worth the gamble. Therefore easy money on the transfer market.

Adel

This one has yet to conclude as it's still on the march to a satisfying (or otherwise) finale. The opening three or so months of the new season will tells us whether we were right to get rid of him (that's if he's not been signed up by Jose).

Here's a lad called a genius by Redknapp then shifted out on loan, then sold. Sometimes, on occasions, players have to be sold on for them to truly find their place and develop and mature. Whether it's a reality kick in the teeth or simply the aid of a prolonged run of games (even if it's a league lower than where they started from) it's quite easy to say in hindsight 'we should have kept hold of him'. Had we, he might still be on the fringe of first team action or worse.

I can't comment on whether the club did enough when he was there because I wasn't on the training pitch or at the Lodge day in day out.

So what of this genius?

Pockets of plushness accompanied by playground posing. Tricks and step-overs aside, he was obviously too raw and immature. I always had this overbearing emotion that people who enjoyed watching him for us (in those cameos) smiled and laughed out of enjoyable embarrassment. Some of us loved him because of his sheer audacity to be so care-free and without an apparent air of awareness of where he actually was. The Prem and not the playground.

His loan spell was meant to fix that. He was meant to discover the art of grafting and improve that lack of self-awareness and find the right balance between tempo and team-work. But we still didn't see enough to retain his services (but just in case of an err we pencilled in a nice 40% sell-on clause) and allowed QPR to take him permanently. Championship Player of the Season later he still shows traits of self importance and priority of individuality on the pitch and plenty off it. But he's adapted well down there, just below us. He's now coming back up for his second chance.

Sustained form in the rough and tumble second tier from Adel, but whether he'll have time to stand on the ball and outwit the very top players is altogether a different question that will no doubt be unequivocally answered. One that we could not have possibly found out at THFC because he did not want to buckle down and prove his worth with us. This genius felt he had nothing to prove. You have to love the self-belief and arrogance. If Jenas had a tinge of it, he'd be < insert long-winded theory that Jenas is a confidence player here >.

Alas, this self-belief and arrogance appears to be far more self indulgent and deluded than it is Zidanesque. Actions speak louder than words but not for Adel. His words come with megaphone and neon lights.

I'm still not inclined to believe Harry 'didn't fancy him' because he was too flash. Bostock was also put in his place by Harry. Players being marginalised because of the gaffers ego? Don't all managers favour certain players and don't all managers look to move on players who have no future at the club? Hopefully Bostock will come good.

Granted all managers get it wrong from time to time.

Much like Gio, Adel has attitude and simply won't adjust it to accommodate the team and his manager. Unless that team is QPR and the manager is Neil Warnock. If you proclaim to be that good you can make it work anywhere. Even if it means waiting and fighting your way through into the first team. If you simply don't possess the patience to work alongside the skill then that's your problem, not ours. Help yourself to aid others to help you. He found the Championship more comfortable for him to bed into the English game. That's the path he choose, it's not one that could have involved us.

Gio and Adel talented? On both accounts, very much so. But you need your head in the right place. You also need to sacrifice some ego in the process. Adel has at the very least proved he does know how to get on it. The Championship is hardly forgiving, even though it's nowhere near the same level as the Prem.

Both players were reluctant to do so in our colours. Good luck to both, but it's their loss, not ours.

Curveball? Bale was famously almost loaned out/sold before he returned into the team. Sometimes fate takes hold of your destiny and forever changes it. But unlike Gareth, Gio has not been with us for a while now. He's already been cut loose. As for Adel, he will no doubt provide some entertainment next season.

In an ideal world I'd have both of them at Tottenham on the bench. Because both are capable of producing something crazy and magical. But their world is on a completely different axis.

Join the conversation on twitter

A day in the life of Adel Taarabt

Reprise from last year.

Adel, is enjoying a cup of coffee in his kitchen. When suddenly; chaos! The very fabric of space and time is ripped open, resulting with a small and rather polite worm hole appearing before his very eyes.

'Hello Adel', the worm hole greeted the ex-Moroccan international with a smile.

Adel: "What in the **** is this s**t? I already have an agent. Get out of my home"
Worm hole: "I'm here to offer you what you deserve"
Adel: "Adel is not interested in anything a hypothetical topological feature of space-time has to say"
Worm hole: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were…Is Adel home?"
Adel: "Of course he is. Adel is standing in front of you, idiot"
Worm hole: "Where? Oh, I see. First person"
Adel: "You are wasting Adel's time. Leave"
Worm hole: "No, no I'm not wasting your time. You deserve so much more than this. Than QPR"
Adel: "Hold on a minute, Jose…Jose is that you?"
Worm hole: "I am not Jose. I have trancended the infinite layers of the mult-verse to visit you today. I'm here to gift you something special Adel. 1970. The World Cup final between the boys from Brazil and Italy. A spectacle befitting a player of your undoubted quality. I can take you back in time, Adel, and replace Pele with you"
Adel: "Replace?"
Worm hole: "Yes, replace. You will be Pele, but you will define the final and his legacy with your own two feet and footballing brain. Adel Taarabt in the body of Pele with the ability of Adel Taarabt. How does that sound?"
Adel: "It sounds like the same Adel in blue and white hoop colours every weekend, but in Mexico instead of West London. Okay. Why not? I was only going to spend the day looking at myself in the mirror. I can do that when I get back. Do they have mirrors back in the 70s? Yes? Okay, so then, do I jump?"
Worm hole: "Yes, jump into me. And you will be transported onto the pitch in 1970 Mexico City, in full kit"

And so Adel takes the leap of faith, after finishing his cup of coffee and spending some time styling his hair, and jumps into the worm hole with the minimum of fuss.

1970. The World Cup Final. Brazil v Italy. Mexico City.

Rivelino: What the…?
Gérson: I don't get it.
Jarizinho: This is ridiculous.
Carlos Alberto: I do not believe my eyes. Is he mad?

Commentator: Unbelievable scenes in the World Cup final. I can't quite fathom this. Pele has stripped off his yellow jersey and thrown it to the ground after screaming abuse at Mário Zagallo and proceeding to push him over. Just ten minutes into the game and Pele - who has been shocking, just shocking - has gestured abuse to his team-mates and the fans and has sensationally walked off the field of play in protest screaming 'I quit, I quit' in what can only be described as a very public melt-down. The Italians are unsure where to look. I'm unsure where to look. This is so out of character. It's embarrassing.

All this madness began after Pele attempted to dribble through and around his own team-mates with the Italians looking on in amazement, and then had the ball abruptly taken off his feet by Jarizinho which resulted with Pele slapping him across the face. This is quite an incredible start to the World Cup final.

And it's a red card for Pele. The ref has seen enough!

Oh dear God, he's now urinating on the dug-out in retaliation to the card. Extraordinary!

Later that day, back in 2010...

Worm hole: "That went well"
Adel: "Please. No more Sunday League football, okay?"

A day in the life of Arsene Wenger

8:05 am Wakes up. Showers, gets dressed plans breakfast. Can smell burning, toast is over-cooked. He did not see the heating dial had been pushed to its highest setting. Blames the wife.

8:25 am Breakfast finished. Doesn't accept full responsibility for doing the washing up. Then sees there's no Fairy Liquid left. Squats down to the floor and holds his head. "I just don't understand how it was not picked up when it was clearly on the shopping list. It's a mystery".

9:45 am Walks to the newsagents to pick up his morning paper. Man walking a dog brushes by him, shoulders touch. Screams "victimisation" to a police officer on the opposite of the road who ignores his plea, then tells the officer he's a disgrace for not offering protection to the blatant brutality he has been subjected too by the criminal dog-walker.

9:57 am On way home from newsagents, a car pulling out of the drive way fails to see a cyclist, knocking his bike over with the cyclist falling to the ground. The cyclist screams at the driver and asks Wenger for his assistance. Wenger replies, "I did not see the incident either", then continues walking.

11:04 am Has a right royal go at an old lady for littering after she accidently drops a tissue on the ground. "Disgraceful you should never walk down the street again". Walks away furiously muttering to himself, finishes off his Milky Bar, scrunches up the wrapper and throws it to the pavement. The old lady is about to point out to him that he's a hypocrite, but Wenger is already half way down the street, skipping, with fingers in ears, singing la la la la la la...

11:15 am Wife asks for help with the ironing. Wenger replies "If you do not believe you can do it then you have no chance at all".

12:14 pm Sky planner failed to record yesterdays 'Loose Women'. Throws cup of tea to the ground smashing it whilst uncomfortably shifting on the sofa looking perplexed.

2:01 pm Next door neighbour complains about the tree in Wenger's back garden that is blocking the sunlight. Wenger explains "I am one or two percent away from dominating the neighbourhood".

4:49 pm Buying dinner in M&S, gets to the cashier. Has forgotten his wallet at home. Takes the bottle of wine from the basket and throws it to the ground, smashing it. Blames the cashier for the incident.

5:15 pm Whilst dusting the living room, the wife suggests placing a lamp and an assortment of ornaments onto the coffee table. Wenger nods approvingly. Then waits for her to leave and moves everything onto the empty cabinet up against the wall.

6:30 pm Wife complains about a floater in the toilet basin and asks if he forgot to flush the loo to which he responds with "I do believe, errrrr".

7:19 pm Eating dinner, asks if there is any dessert. Wife points out he did the shopping so if he didn't pick any up there isn't any. Wenger throws his plate to the floor smashing it and then squats, shaking his head profusely. Pat Rice also shakes his head at lack of dessert.

8:44 pm Washing up the dishes after dinner, wife points out there is still no Fairy Liquid. Checks his shopping list from M&S and notes it was not on the list - again. Explains that statistically it should have been on the list as it's unlikely to be forgotten twice when it's essential to the workings of the kitchen. Doesn't quite understand how it's happened. Wife asks him to write it on the new shopping list for tomorrow. Wenger tells her he will do it later.

9:19 pm Winning by two laps and show-boating in Mario Kart Wii online, capitulates and crashes coming in second. Smashes controller to the ground. Then rants about how multi-player rival KosherArry cheated by firing an assortment of power-ups at him thus not allowing him to race properly. Complains this would never have happened on the N64 version which is far superior.

10:15 pm In bed with wife. She asks for some romantic attention. Wenger looks around to her and says, "I believe that this bedroom has a great future, and I'm sure we will show it next, if not this year...but probably next year".



A day in the life of Adel Taarabt

Adel, is enjoying a cup of coffee in his kitchen. When suddenly, chaos! The very fabric of space and time is ripped open, resulting with a small and rather polite worm hole appearing before his eyes.

'Hello Adel', the worm hole greeted the ex-Moroccan international with a smile.

Adel: "What in the f**k is this sh*t? I already have an agent. Get out of my home"
Worm hole: "I'm here to offer you what you deserve"
Adel: "Adel is not interested in anything a hypothetical topological feature of space-time has to say"
Worm hole: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were…Is Adel home?"
Adel: "Of course he is. Adel is standing in front of you, idiot"
Worm hole: "Where? Oh, I see. First person"
Adel: "You are wasting Adel's time. Leave"
Worm hole: "No, no I'm not wasting your time. You deserve so much more than this. Than QPR"
Adel: "Hold on a minute, Jose…Jose is that you?"
Worm hole: "I am not Jose. I have trancended the infinite layers of the mult-verse to visit you today. I'm here to gift you something special Adel. 1970. The World Cup final between the boys from Brazil and Italy. A spectacle befitting a player of your undoubted quality. I can take you back in time, Adel, and replace Pele with you"
Adel: "Replace?"
Worm hole: "Yes, replace. You will be Pele, but you will define the final and his legacy with your own two feet and footballing brain. Adel Taarabt in the body of Pele with the ability of Adel Taarabt. How does that sound?"
Adel: "It sounds like the same Adel in blue and white hoop colours every weekend, but in Mexico instead of West London. Okay. Why not? I was only going to spend the day looking at myself in the mirror. I can do that when I get back. Do they have mirrors back in the 70s? So then, do I jump?"
Worm hole: "Yes, jump into me. And you will be transported onto the pitch in 1970 Mexico City, in full kit"

And so Adel takes the leap of faith, after finishing his cup of coffee, and jumps into the worm hole with the minimum of fuss.

1970. The World Cup Final. Brazil v Italy. Mexico City.

Rivelino: What the…?
Gérson: I don't get it.
Jarizinho: This is ridiculous.
Carlos Alberto: I do not believe my eyes.

Commentator: Unbelievable scenes in the World Cup final. I can't quite fathom this. Pele has stripped off his yellow jersey and thrown it to the ground after screaming abuse at Mário Zagallo and proceeding to push him over. Just ten minutes into the game and Pele - who has been shocking, just shocking and abjectly woeful - has gestured abuse to his team-mates and the fans and has sensationally walked off the field of play in protest screaming 'I quit, I quit' in what can only be described as a very public melt-down. The Italians are unsure where to look. I'm unsure where to look. This is so out of character. It's embarrassing to watch.

All this madness began after Pele attempted to dribble through and around his own team-mates with the Italians looking on in amazement, and then had the ball abruptly taken off his feet by Jarizinho which resulted with Pele slapping him across the face. This is quite an incredible start to the World Cup final.

And it's a red card for Pele. The ref has seen enough!

Oh dear God, he's now urinating on the dug-out in retaliation to the card. Extraordinary!

Later that day, back in 2010...

Worm hole: "That went well"
Adel: "Please. No more Sunday League football, okay?"