How to survive 90 minutes of football and win by Tottenham Hotspur

Hello. I’m Tottenham Hotspur. You might remember me from such classics as ‘Comolli doesn’t live here anymore’, ‘Tommy Huddlestone’s neck is missing’,  ‘The Crosstrabulous Flaptraption of Heurelho da Silva Gomes’ and ‘Dial R for Ramosnessness’.

Today I’m here to present to you how to win a game of football when attempting to do your very best to lose it. In order to produce this paradox you first need to set the foundations. Then build on it. Then take a step back to watch it crumble. But don't fret. It’s all just an illusion, an elaborate plan to trick. The Prestige being that the false sense of security is nothing but a trapdoor for the unsuspecting opposition.

Do not mistake this for anything less than it is; an art form.

Part I – The Classic away game performance (45 minute version)

A false sense of security

Away from home at a ground where league wins are rare (one since 2002), there is no shame in playing a game of containment. Onus is always on the home side to take the initiative. Start the game with assured confidence, movement and patience. Counter attack with intent and be clinical with chances presented.

Momentum

With the possibility of claiming another win and thus 22 from 24 points, go into the break 2-0 up practically cementing continuation of good form. Do so with devastating elegance. For example:

1-0 Delicious cross field pass from a forward (Ade) in a deep position, into space for marauding right-back (Walker) to run onto, beat a player and cut back to a winger (Lennon) who then plays a tantalising ball across the penalty area to be smashed in (Bale) via a defenders body. Punishing.

2-0 Sublime flick from winger (Bale) to winger (Lennon) sharing flank and space, who proceeds to dazzle and dink into the penalty area finishing superbly. What a fantastic run.

Half-time positivity

Go into the interval with the knowledge that similar control of the second half in terms of patience and composed work ethic will head towards a killer third goal and potentially a comfortable win. If the home side step it up a notch, then a two goal cushion leans towards a tactical sacrifice and the possible substitution of Sandro on so that the midfield is armed and equipped to battle.

example footnotes:

Is that the much maligned wingers-swapping-wings ideology that Redknapp has been scorned for? Not quite. Inter-changing is altogether a different beast and it appears to have awakened the sleeping giant in the small frame of Aaron Lennon. He might spend parts of the game on the outside looking in, but when he comes alive he produces assists/goals. Ade, the non-scoring forward, an almost false position on the pitch, coming deep to collect the ball. Parker, the engine that continues to drive us forward. Luka effective in silent mode helping out offensively and defensively. Only downside is Rafa who left his magic boots at home.

Part II – Doing the exact opposite of what is required to preserve the lead

The ‘second-half lapse’ to avoid at all costs

Conceding an opposition goal just after the half re-starts or within 10 minutes must be avoided.

Opening 10 minutes of second-half

Opposition fail to score a goal early in the second half. We score it for them. i.e. With all the shot-stopping and defence splitting passes, when we do concede always make sure it’s a goal birthed from a mistake. The more untidy, the better.

Begin process of regression

The one trait missing from the THFC genetic make-up is bossing a game out. That’s either home or away, when the opposition are plucky or fired-up from a position of defeat. Retain possession, adapt in midfield to counter any problems that a renewed home side might present. Do not sit back and soak up pressure like a sponge the size of North London.

Regress

Soak up pressure like a sponge the size of North London.

Regression complete

Continue to allow home side to attack with little reply. Ask your forty year old goalkeeper to move about a bit between the sticks. Pray. Lose your composure and allow the home side to rain down on goal with shots on target. Surrender possession in the absence of blindfolds.

When making the first substitution do not bring on Sandro. When making the second substitution wait until the supporters have chewed through their nails and have bitten into their flesh and have teeth touch bone, then bring on Sandro.

Beckon the equaliser

Contentious handball incident + a goalmouth scramble, all good ways to ruin your day. But continue to defy the inevitable by having one of the smallest men on the pitch clear off the line.

Part III – Pull the panties off Lady Luck with your teeth, then give her a cheeky love bite

Winning by doing as little as possible to win, except score again and not concede which happens to be the two things you need to do to win

As Fulham perceiver with their attempted redemption having been out-thought in the first half by dominating the second, allow another example of this brave new Spurs world to shine through. Counter and score, but make sure it’s deflected in just for good ironic measure. A gentle reminder to the hosts that if you’re:

a)     Not going to take your chances
b)     Fail to capitalise on retaining pressure in the midfield (and suffocate us from regaining any foothold  in midfield)
c)     Make substitutions that were not required
d)     Have 31 shots on goal compared to nine

You’re going to get bitch slapped for your lack of bastardality. In addition, dry your eyes out if one of our players hugs the ball when earlier one of your players pushed one of ours to the ground.

Win the game 3-1 even with your manager not present to prove he can win games without even turning up. He might have hair but we don’t care, Harry Harry Redknapp.

Part IV – Post-match rhetoric and analysis

Deserved/Undeserved/Jekyll/Hyde

The cliché that the Spurs of old would have lost this should be mentioned, preferably a dozen times in conversation post-match per supporter. Spurs have moved on from that particular revision to one with a far more vibrant template for success. We still don’t boss games we should be bossing but winning ugly or when sustaining constant pressure...these are the ilk of games that other teams end up losing and only a few ever get to win. That Spurs team of old, for example would have been far more prone to a capitulation with a sorry air of familiarly and apologetic head shaking.

So when you add the deserved wins with the undeserved wins you continue to redefine the template to prove that if you win, regardless of the manner, you deserve it (unless you cheated). Lucky points equate to a knack of being able to survive when most expect to see you roll over and die. But then how lucky do you have to be to score three goals away from home? Lucky Efficient Tottenham.

It might not tell us much when it happens in isolation but if it forms part of a renewed attitude in the midst of a run of undefeated performances, then embrace it. Winners win even when they’re not meant to. Do it regularly and it becomes second nature. Dare I say you will the win towards your chest and out of the reach of the opposing side.

Allowing the opposition to pass the ball and pressure is just dandy when you are solid at the back but not so much when you are not and still continue to invite them forward time and time again. Shape might have been lost, questions relating to player conditioning (physically and mentally) and lack of deceive astuteness of required shrewd tactical changes still remain answered. But the momentum survives intact and belief further consolidated even if we rode our luck thanks to spirit and fortitude.

Roll with the punches.

Conclusion

I am Tottenham. Three league defeats since April.

I am Tottenham. Gritty.

I am Tottenham. The easy way is no fun.

I am Tottenham. I have gone through puberty. I’ve grown a forest of hair and have now shaved my balls and studded my cock.

Hard even when limp. You don’t want me in your face.

That's how to survive 90 minutes and come out on top. Remember, don’t try this at home. Unless you’re playing newly promoted sides and want to prove your fertility for point accumulation.

I love Martin Jol, I like Harry Redknapp

There was something rather special about Martin Jol and the relationship we shared with him. It was a two-way thing. He loved us as much as we loved him. Although he never broke out in song and serenaded the Park Lane he did take to the mic on one occasion to thank us all for the support. Poor bastard even thanked Daniel Levy on that day.

He’s the dad you had in that parallel universe you often dreamt about where you're half Dutch. He understood how to make a connection with the supporters without any of it appearing contrived. His personality was so infectious that for the first time in an absolute age Spurs would get decent press from the journos. Perhaps they were scared of a Jol bear-crush hug, but regardless we all lapped it up. He was sincere, jovial and yet commanded a presence strong enough to inspire team spirit and unity. Football was good too. His soundbites were also pretty decent. English cup of tea, anyone?

We all know how it ended. The Director of Football system corrupted and soured and destroyed, leaving Jol checking his text messages whilst sitting in the dugout mid-game to discover he was going to be sacked. At the time there was genuine guilt felt by myself. Not that I was taking responsibility for anything the chairman and the DoF were cooking up. Rather the fact that it was inevitable it would lead to this. The Berbatov saga and the overly ambitious agenda to step up a further level undermined him and although we don’t truly know what happens behind closed doors, the script had been written months earlier and everyone just went through the motions. The football suffered. Whether it was because of the problems behind the scenes or because Jol had reached the end of the road, we wont ever know. Bit of both perhaps.

I felt guilty because I struggled with the latter. I felt the end of the road had been reached.

The question marks surrounded our inability to compete with the Top Four clubs at the time in games against them. As much as I’d have loved to have found out if he had it in him to build on 2006 he had not a chance in hell to do so because of the interference. Club obviously believing a transitional season was too much of a risk and a better quality appointment was required (the irony, I know). Stories of him interviewing/inquiring about the Newcastle job didn't help either.

Since he’s left he’s not been outstanding in his other jobs, enough to perhaps answer some of the questions (I) we had. But life doesn’t work on such comparisons. Had he stayed, had he the support of the board, chairman and DoF then he might have found that extra spark we required. Instead, it went pear-shaped as we are accustomed and conditioned too. Ramos won us a cup (which I’m forever grateful for) but language and headaches relating to over-complicated selection and tactics left us with...a certain quota of points from a series of games played.

It’s sad because Jol was a fantastic bloke. What he did do is set the foundations for hope that there was a chance of breaking into the Top Four. Give him credit, at the time it was a far more difficult challenge to achieve. The Ramos dip proved to be the shortest of transitional seasons and we all know what happened in the aftermath (some back to basics reconstruction work to make us look pretty again).

There will always be an argument that Jol’s personality masks his weaknesses. The fact we took him into our hearts with such comparative ease made it difficult when he was eventually sacked because deep down it was the only conclusion to a sorry mess. But if you think back, quite a few of us quietly hoped for change. A most uncomfortable sacrifice.

Another argument is that there is nothing to suggest you need to necessarily like your manager. Jose Mourinho has a certain manner about the way he works. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but you’d hardly complain if he was your gaffer if he won you silverware but you might still do because his media siege mentality irks you. Jol managed to give us the two things that matter most: Pride and good football without the necessity of self-serving his own agendas.

That isn’t a dig at Harry Redknapp but parallels are always made between the two. Their game to game record is quite similar, but you can’t compare two different states of play (in terms of where football currently sits and where it sat when Jol was last with us).

The reality is; the past is the past and the future looks bright with Harry leading the way. Personally, if Redknapp wasn’t so mediacentric we’d probably not complain too much about him (don’t ignore the fact that Jol was susceptible to tactically questions and scratches of the head many a time during his tenure). Harry’s achievements are aided both by the squad we possess and the collapse of the monopoly’s overpowering dominance – but kudos to his man-management and he deserves credit. His associations with other clubs and his single-mindedness to look after number one actually rubs off on the club in a good way on the pitch as he knows the better he does the better the Redknapp brand looks. I’d rather he didn’t pretend to be one of us if he doesn’t truly feel affiliated and continue being a custodian of team affairs as we cement stability in the top tier.

Jol gave it a right old go and I'll be forever grateful for that. Redknapp did something very few expected and continues to prove many of us wrong. Its the state the club is left in when he leaves that will allow him to secure a legacy in our history regardless of whether his personality is not our cup of tea.

I’ll let you decide if Jol could achieve similar success with the current squad we have. But then it doesn't matter what you theorise, Harry is in charge now even if Harry doesn't have many songs sang for him.

So thanks Martin. My only regret is that you didn’t push Wenger to the floor when you squared up to him. Although that would have been a little bit like a Polar Bear fighting an Ostrich.

Thank you Harry. Might not agree with certain elements of how you handle team affairs and not a fan of your media work (yes, we're popular with the journos) and your them and me word plays, but you've got to take the good with the bad and thus far the good out weighs the bad.

COYS.

Love the shirt.

Spurs: 'top 4' side, top 4 decisions

Fulham 1 Spurs 2

I've had pockets of time since the final whistle on Saturday afternoon to attempt to write up a structured match report of our splendid away win (and second successive three point come from behind reward), but alas, no such luck. I'm still sick. Epically tired and somewhat detached from creativity, but still I'm managed to muster up some tweets today whilst laying across the sofa watching the continued demise of Liverpool FC and then Man City trying to do their best impersonation of the Jose version of Chelsea by spending the vast majority of their game against Blackpool boring the very essence of my soul from my fever stricken body. I still don't rate them. Yes, they are lucky, yes, they don't lose often, but something about them just screams out 'CHOKE'. I guess with Man Utd doing their very best to tread the line of ordinary, this season could see a further shake-up to the one we introduced last time round. So perhaps discounting the billionaires from Eastlands would be a tad dangerous.

Okay, so Fulham v Spurs, I'm going to free-style it. Then just hit the publish button.

Saturday and Fortress Fulham. In yer face Mark Hughes. And Lily Allen. In the context of the game, we deserved to win. Some of our defending at times was not best and against better players (Eto'o) we might be left scratching our heads. But that's out of context. Which is not a concern, not until Wednesday.

First half, opening exchanges, thought we played very well. Slowly and obviously, Fulham got themselves back into the possession game. Sandro put himself about. Bit too eager, I guess he still has to get to grips with the pace of the game and the fact that clumsy challenging won't warrant too much other than a yellow card.

Was very content with Harry's selection. Strongest side, be it with one or two minor tweaks, but this games was vital in terms of needing to win - whereas the CL game on Wed isn't. Because we get to play Inter again, at the Lane. Which will be important. I'll talk more about the CL game in a later blog.

Fulham took the lead, Kamara scoring. Bit of a mess from all concerned in terms of positioning for this one. It's easy to point and shout at Gallas who showed a lack of awareness of where the Fulham forward was (behind you!) but you could also lay scorn on Hutton who run into a central position, practically clashing with Kings space and the cross/ball going through the both of them into the path of Kamara who tapped it home.

Did Gallas think someone (in Spurs colours) was tracking the forward? No matter, organisation here was left wanting. All too easy. Needs to be worked on in training. School-boy mistake tbh.

But this is brand new Spurs, feasting on Dutch cake, of the Amsterdam variety. Relaxed and giddy, as you were. We go down the other end and equalise. From the kick-off. Brilliant skill from vdV to turn and chip onto the bar, ball falling down to Pav who had a simple tap in, but made sure he pointed out his name on the back of his shirt just in case anyone was in doubt of the clinical polished ball-pushing over the line touch off his boot.

Have to say, I'm still lol'ing at the Fulham fans (bless 'em) who didn't even had enough time to finish their rendition of 'you're not singing any more'. So the Spurs away support did the polite thing and finished the song off for them.

Other mentions. Gomes pulled off a save or two. King went off injured, Bassong replaced him. I know that with Ledders, I sort of half expected him not to play and be rested for Inter, in what many expected him to play a damage limitation role. I'm glad Harry started him, it's a shame he limped off and won't be available for the Everton game next weekend (as well as no Italian away day). But it's a statement made. We didn't take the game for granted or displayed signs of looking ahead to mid-week.

It's part and parcel of the risk we take with King. Get well soon. Once more, we re-visit the age old conundrum of the centre-back pairing and what we need to be doing in terms of looking ahead for the future. Once Dawson is back, we might place said conundrum back onto the back-burner again. Which isn't ideal, what with us still not knowing for sure if Woody is going to be 100% again.

Second half, Sandro off. Subbed, not sent off, which he might have been not out of malicious play but from untidy tackling. Azza replacing him before the kick-off. Lennon was good. Again. Off the bench appears to have given him a gentle kick up the bum in terms of desire to impress. Cracking
movement with BAE finding Pav who played the ball inside to Lennon - weak shot, but good to see all round. He seems to have direction rather than losing himself cutting into central midfield positions or running out of steam down the flanks.

More assured second half from start to finish I thought from us. Not perfect, Kamara spoiling chances which I was happy to see spurned. Wasn't so much about individuals today, but more about the unit. vdV, Bale, Modric...all relatively quiet. vdV had his moment with the first goal. Moddle is still slightly off the pace, his touch not Lukaesque just yet, but he's made it clear he knows he's struggling a little. He'll get there. Bale was definitely quiet compared to the beastly performances he usually produces. Did pulsate forward creating a vdV chance. But as a unit, the lads did enough, which was worthy of three points. So no shrugs of despondency from me.

Other bits and pieces off the top of my head. Hutton and Gomes getting in each others way, a Hutton effort on goal, Crouch on for Pav. Oh yeah, almost forgot. The goal for 2-1.

First time in history I've ever agreed with Alan Shearer (with his MotD assessment). Hansen obviously disagreeing with him and baiting Lineker. So very very bitter. Always let you down the Spurs don't you know.

If you want to start playing the game by the letter of the law - at the time of the Hudd shot, their keeper was in sight of the ball leaving the boot. Gallas, offside position, not interfering with play. Ball takes a deflection, still not interfering. Gallas tries his best to put any doubt in the refs mind about disallowing a potential goal by attempting to kick the ball, still not interfering because he didn't touch the ball.

Ball crosses the line. 1-2 Tottenham.

Lino however decides to flag, so good on Hudd for making sure the ref took note of the journey taken by the ball into the Fulham goal. Mike Dean, giving us the decision. I'm sure I would have complained about it if it was the other way round, but deep down, even though you could argue it is interfering because the player was trying to become active - he wasn't active because he didn't change anything (i.e. the ball was still on course with going in after the deflection, so Gallas could have stripped naked and slapped a haddock on his backside, it would not have made a blind bit of difference - although no doubt it might have made it onto Soccer AM's third eye).

Active, not active...ambiguous, no? The authorities would not have it any other way.

Good performance. We're 5th. 14 points. A few off the top, and obviously regretful of the points dropped against a couple of sides this season which might have had has even higher. But this season will be more open and closer than the last, so it's a case of staying in amongst it again - and aiming for bigger scalps in the way of our 'Top 4' opposition and doing something about the lack of wins away to them in 60+ games. Also feel we need to start to destroy sides at the Lane again.

Mentality should be about maximising our potential against the supposed weaker sides at home and continuing to dig deep away. Stick the pressure on the other contenders by pulling away. At the minute, everyone appears to be very evenly matched (there's four or so tiers in the Prem itself).

Momentum = confidence = belief = success.

Simply put, get through to the Jan window in a top 5 position. Then consolidate the f**k out of it.

Back to bed I go.


Keane, 3-3-1-3 and Lily Allen's legs

Afternoon.

Hands up if you're completely sick of all the images of happy joyful faces and ecstatic celebrations, dancing in the streets and the tearful singing that is constantly being played back on our television sets and printed in our newspapers? What an escape, hey?

The pesky High Court. Had to go ruin my day.

Elsewhere, and still off-topic, I'm left scratching my head how Karl Pilkington, without fail, always manages to get reception on his iphone4 - even in the middle of a desert. Oh wait, of course he gets reception, it's magic. Praise Steve Jobs. It's a working antenna abroad.

Yep. This is going to be a mess of a blog post. Enjoy.

If I'm honest, I'm really struggling at the moment to wrap my thoughts around this weekend (International Break fatigue) and the away trip to Fulham. Might have something to do with this head cold that is slowly but surely eating away at my concentration. I feel lethargic. Out of sorts. Completely lacking inspiration and focus. Hey, I'm Robbie Keane. Alas sadly, I don't even possess the energy to lift my hands up in the air and wave them around at great speed, shouting random indistinguishable Orish at anyone who dares look in my direction. Hey, I'm still Robbie Keane. Someone take me out back.

On the subject (might as well pretend this article has a point to it), for the person who called me a two-faced ungrateful fickle **** for turning my back on Keano - here's my response. I haven't turned my back. He turned his back on us. But this isn't about juvenile bitterness. Look, honestly hand on heart, he was my 'favourite' (hate that word) player at Spurs leading up and during the Berba era (that stunning one season). He was annoying at times what with his inability to convert one-on-one's where he was required to think or his unnecessary flicks and holding onto the ball for far too long types of high jinxs. But no doubting his goal-scoring record and the impact he had. He was not a world-class great player, but rather an outstanding Premier League player.

Whether his Anfield experience proved he wasn't that great actually other than being a perfect fit for Tottenham and nothing more - it's all pretty much redundant now. He lost the mojo that made him so productive for us in the past, and he came back out of desperation (paralleled by our desperation) half a player, less than half the player he was. I'm not dismissing or forgetting what he did for us prior to him joining one of his boyhood clubs. Just that it's all a bit tainted love now. It's like this Robbie Keane isn't the same person, so I don't feel guilty for not caring too much about the current version. Harsh? Perhaps. But it's nothing to do with being fickle. It's everything to do with wanting to move onto better things. Which is what Mr Keane thought we was doing by joining the Rafa revolution.

What else can I muse about?

My dad's birthday this Saturday. My kid bro is going to the Fulham game and I have to accompany the ball and chain and baby to the family mansion for food and drinks. Which is disappointing, from a selfish self-centred footballing blogging perspective as I won't be able to cover the game with minute-by-minute commentary. Which was the plan. I'll have to kick that off in mid-week when we play Inter. If I'm not lost in self-pity with man-flu, crying for soup, an extra-fluffy pillow and angels to gently, seductively sing 'Oh when the Spurs…' in my ears.

How about a half-arsed attempt at a Spurs/Fulham Preview? I can only muster up a preview of a preview, so that will have to do. 

I was thinking about Football Manager 2011 and tactics because I'm a fantasist. Spurs will be a joy to manage in the game what with Bale, Modric, vdV to name a few of our highly rated in-game players. Will probably look to sign Edin Dzeko as my forward. I'm thinking 3-3-1-3 formation (ala Marcelo Bielsa's Chile and formally and unsuccessfully at a World Cup gone by with Argentina). Attacking formation, pressing of opposition, high up pitch defensive positioning with masses of emphasis on the flanks.

So that would be a diamondesque:

(k) Gomes
(3) Corluka King Dawson (or Hutton/Kaboul King BAE) or whatever combo best suits the occasion
(3) Modric Sandro Huddlestone (on studded engine-powered roller-skate football boots)
(1) van der Vaart
(3) Bale Defoe/Dzeko Lennon

So that's three at the back, Sandro just ahead of them with Moddle and Huddlestone (neither central or left/right-centric) just behind a central vdV and then Bale and Azza in forward flank positions and Defoe or Dzeko up front. The formation would rely heavily on movement and fitness. Would no doubt decimate Fulham four or five nil if I hack the game using an editor and boost the players strength and stamina stats so they don't fade after the 70th minute mark. Wouldn't quite work in the real world, would it? A man can dream. Or perhaps with the aid of sleep deprivation, hallucinate.

Real life, the bane of my existence. 3-3-1-3 only in my head.  In football everything is complicated by the presence of the other team, so said Sartre. How right he was. Unless DAVSPURS is allowed to prep-talk post match and hand out drinks to the players. I'm pretty much certain all this ephedrine conspiracy talk is a cover-up for his demand and supply business.

And on the subject of reality, I'd be happy with an almost traditional 4-4-2 on Saturday, with perhaps vdV playing just off Crouch/Pav. For me, I just want us to play the strongest team possible (well, apart from King who will be required for damage limitation in the San Siro). Write off Inter away. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Inter away is the game where most would expect us to come away with nothing and many reckon we're going to get spanked. Prioritise the Fulham match and go to Italy and just play without pressure as expectancy should not weigh us down there, considering the odds will be stacked heavily against us. You never know, football. Funny. Old. Game.

On the subject of Fulham, I haven't mentioned Lily Allen for a long long time. What's with her long running obsession with over-sized heels that make her look like she has short stumpy legs? Or does she have short stumpy legs and the shoes make her look even more stumpy? It's like someone with a massive head wearing a massive top hat in an ill-fated attempt to deflect attention away from the massive head, but people still point and say, 'oh look, it's that bloke with a massive head and he's wearing a massive top hat, what a w*nker'.

Glastonbury Allen was far more appealing than the I'm in a Professor Green video singing just the chorus surrounded by tall fit beautiful women whilst I chav around wearing a giants patent shoes Allen. Glastonbury Allen was very Natasha Khan-ish. Which is ace in my book of stalk.

Okay, I know, she's (Allen) preggers at the moment, but I'm all about the pre-bump photos. So here's a thought Lily, stop ordering your foot-wear on-line and actually get to try them on in a shop before you throw your money away. A weapon of massive consumption indeed.

Let's end this. Bones now aching. Head beginning to spin. Gut churning. Need drugs of a legal nature to help breathe some life into my pale black bags under my eyes face.

Thoughts and prayers etc. Hold off the minutes silence.

Back from deaths door soon.

FA Cup glory? Take it back...(to the lane)

Fulham 0 Spurs 0

Not exactly your quintessential cup tie that. For all the talk about squad depletion and recalling of yoof players to make up the numbers, our starting line-up wasn't too shabby. Defoe on the bench, but the switch on the left-side (BAE slotting into left-back and Bale into left-midfield) was something I was keen to see and Modric in the middle is something that's always up for discussion - can it work? Crouch upfront with Pav and Niko on the right. Regardless of the kids on the bench keeping JD company, it's a line-up good enough to beat Fulham, or at least make the effort to do so.

So, how did this game end 0-0? Simply put, because it wasn't very good. There were moments for both sides. We dominated possession but Fulham had the shots on target. Palacios marshalled the midfield but Modric struggled to dictate or find the time to hurt the opposition. Perhaps this wasn't the perfect stage for him to play central, but then Harry was forced to do so thanks to our bare bone crisis. Had we another CM capable of fulfilling the role then perhaps Modric starting out on the left would have allowed him to roam, dink and cut inside in that wonderfully jinxing manner we love to watch. His passing was a little off-key too. Not the best of days. But perhaps not the best of pitches (although no excuse, he worked his magic up at Wigan a few weeks back).

First half was congested, untidy. No real FA Cup magic to behold, in fact no real evidence of this being an FA Cup tie full stop. Second half, better, but frustrating. For all the ball at our feet and defending when called upon to do so there was still moments when Zamora and company threatened. The threat thankfully always ended with a sigh of relief. Fulham not really causing us anything more than half a missed heart-beat. But you know how it is, we dominate, they break, they score and we rage. You could almost see it happening, compounded with what smelt like ominous irony (smells like sick) mainly because we lacked cutting edge up front. This game was made for the sucker-punch.

I guess with Fulham playing so deep and defensive, there wasn't enough about them to make us that nervous. Not really.

As for us; cutting edge, the lack of. How you haunt me week after week. I'm actually not going to knee-jerk and perhaps the more astute amongst you will reason why the Pav/Crouch combo failed to ignite today. IMO, it failed because it was just one of those games. I love the word 'fragmented' (to be copyrighted). And today it just felt like our forwards were snuffed out of it by the resolute tenacity of the Fulham defenders and the tactics of Hodgson. It was all a bit too fragmented.

I think Roy was quite clever. If this was a traditional cup tie and had Fulham gone out and attempted to give it some proper gallivanting play, we'd had beaten them. We have the better footballers. And they lacked the presence of a Murphy in the middle to make them truly tick creatively. So what Roy did (the git) was have his players work their socks off. And their more direct play pushing forward (not talking long ball but speed of attack) allowed them the opportunities to test us, so from their perspective they could contain us and counter. Good tactics.

The problem we had in countering this, is one open for debate. Pav didn't really have any goal-sniffing opps that he thrives off. No 'one second' to think moments. He disappeared in some of the build up play, sometimes struggling to bring the ball under control quickly. Could he have dug deeper? Can he dig deeper? Is it the right game to knee-jerk on his performance? No. Let this one be. Watch the difference in the replay. Although if a play fails to find another way into a game and a trend develops, we have a problem. Said player can only play effectively if the game suits him (Darren Bent anyone?)

Crouch was okay. Felt at times that we didn't really use him properly. Crossing was not great and there seemed to be the usual confusion with when exactly to aim for his head and when to play the ball forward to his feet. Towards the end (when JD came on for Pav) someone (sorry, forgot who) pumped the ball up to Defoe. I mean seriously, Crouch has gone off and we're still pumping it up forwards. This time to a midget. Giving him 60/40 against him to win it. Bit of common sense sometimes let's us down. I know this isn't exactly criminal, but sometimes a little bit more intelligence is required - especially in the final moments of a game.

edit: Crouch was in fact still on the pitch. Slight balls up there in my reporting. Soz. Evidently, one too many beers it would seem. I guess you might argue that even though he had not been subbed, he was invisible. Boom boom.

I'll add this - there were moments in the game when players made mistakes when a LEADER was blatantly required to shout at them. Sometimes it looks like discrepancies are accepted.

Perhaps its time for a new directive. Play the ball on the ground unless you're passing the ball up the field to someone's feet. There is a time and place to play the knock down via Crouch. But anyways, if we haven't worked it out yet, I can't see us working it out any time soon. It's what births the questions about how Crouch is more successful for England than he is for Spurs - and if its because Crouch is an out and out striker for England - then it means we've got the wrong player up front to aid the Spurs 'out and out' forward.

Moving on.

Bale was stupendous to watch. Powerful and silky. Our best creative outlet, but alas not enough on the day to craft out a chance. No fault of his. He had plenty of success but cut backs were limited. Gomes, confident in goal, helped as survive any potentially heart in mouth moments. In the end, tbh, I'm happy with the result. Neither side deserved to win it and had, let's say Fulham nicked it, I'd have been furious for what was such a lacklustre game to have allowed a winner to head towards Wembley for the semi-final. Mainly because I'd have looked at our players and questioned their belief and determination to force the issue and score. Losing games of this manner is far more frustrating then losing a ding dong cup tie.

Corluka almost scoring an own-goal and earlier in the game, BAE attempting to be smart in the box and losing the ball - two moments that had me screaming out WTF expletives. Crouchies header and Pav's attempted over-head kick not enough.

Far from over, mind. But Fulham have a mental fixture list in the next few weeks, so as long as we can recover some of our walking wounded and get through our games without any further damage - we should...should be able to get the right result at WHL (Wed 24th).

As important as 4th is, the FA Cup is something I'm desperate for us to win again. Been too long.

Back in time for the cup final...

Good Christmas? I had a fairly wonderful Xmas Eve and day, spent with close family, drinking twenty three year old Guatemalan rum and eating plenty. Boxing Day was altogether a rather less pleasant experience. Was meant to be a day spent again with relatives (turkey and mash) after a brief drink or two in the local pub. If it wasn't bad enough that the pub in question was West Ham (Buckhurst Hill), we managed to consume a ridiculous amount of triples, quadruples and shots rendering some of us devoid of the ability to either talk or walk. All this in the space of three hours. There was no dinner (over-cooked and the host almost sliced his finger off when attempting to carve it). Plenty of arguing (the sober ones did not take well to our state and late arrival back) and I apparently spent the next two and half hours hugging the toilet and shivering. I had turned a horrid shade of green. What a light weight. I don't remember much else and what I do (in the form of flashbacks) would be preferable to have remained forgotten. Oh the joys of the festivities. It's all in the name of baby Jesus.

I've seen nothing of the Fulham v Spurs game so read this if you want a quick summary. Family members and friends have told me it was a fair result in the end with Gomes making some pretty ace saves. Great goal for us disallowed thanks to some shabby decision making from the ref. We looked more up for it after JD and Modric came on. And thanks to the organisation of Fulham we spent the early parts of the game hoofing it. Happy with a point then. 3rd clean sheet on the trot. Hopefully tomorrow things will be a little more tidy offensively. Clinical and ruthlessness is the key because I couldn't possibly stomach a Wolves/Stoke type of game/performance.

It's not been a bad half season has it? In fact, it's been pretty good, lots to improve on with steps forward rather than falls backwards. Hopefully we'll remain on track after tomorrow. We do love playing the Hammers. I'm completely out of sorts with the latest news, ITK info and selection teasers - but glad to see Dawson and Bassong continuing their partnership and Gomes with the much deserved plaudits for his keeping. Would like to see Moddle play a bigger part tomorrow also. Might be the right type of game for him, space wise. We'll see.

If there are any major talking points, let me know. Think of this as a self-service blog. You write the content. I'll play catch-up from Tuesday.

LDN Derby Match Preview: Fulham v Spurs – It’s all about the Lily...whites

It's almost Christmas. I can taste it in the air. The cold bitter mornings, the flurries of snow. Bright lights in the high street. Carol singers. Last minute shopping. All the traditional sights and sounds surrounding us all. And let's not be forgetting the turkey. The Christmas turkey. Well that's not quite with us just yet. It's usually dished out by Spurs when we work out Santa won't be the one delivering us the one present we dream of. Three points. You don't get to ask for that. You get given it if deserved. Charity begins at home. Or in this case 'away'.

Fulham away

It's Fulham, all-conquering Zamora-raging Fulham, on Boxing Day. I like Craven Cottage. It's pretty much a decent away day, mainly because of the amount of fans we take there and the locality of the ground and the neighbouring pubs. Their fans are decent folk too. Although that Lily Allen scares me. You know what I'm talking about. With her menacing eye-liner stare and rock'n'roll cigarette smoking. The way she struts around, nipple on show. She's unnerving. And as for her lyrics, they bite their way through societies ills with a touch of satire. She's a high maintenance  woman with plenty of verbal punch that seems to bring out all my insecurities concerning strong-willed women. She's sort of scary but not really. Much like Roy Hodgson's side. Not the showing of nipples (does Bobby have nice tits?) but the 'bringing out insecurities' bit. We sort of get stage fright at the Cottage, when we shouldn't really. Much like I did when I met Lily. Well, actually, technically speaking I didn't meet her per say. I saw her. From a distance. I was sort of walking towards the same place as she was but further back than she was and she didn't see me. Okay, so I was following her home. Some might argue this is considered stalking. And some might agree with this argument. But like I explained to the police officer at the time, it's a free country and I happen to be walking in the same direction as a celebrity and at the same time but at a far slower pace. A mere coincidence I assured him.

We need to go to Fulham, with respect for their form, but also not to be afraid to take the game to them. Have a right go. Do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't mind having a crack at them. At her. I mean I wouldn't mind having her crack...a crack…a crack at Lily Allen. I fancy her in that, 'damn I really hope you look like those GQ pictures in real life' kinda way. Which you sort of did from behind but the clothes you were wearing were a little baggy so it was hard to know if you've been photo-shopped extensively in those glossy mag pictures.

Okay. Right. I'm sorry. I'm losing my way a little. Medication wears off a little too quickly nowadays. And the monitor glare always seems to induce hallucinations. I'm okay. I'm sweating, but I'm fine.

Back on topic. Without the sub plots.

Fighting the trend

As mentioned, we don't much like it there (Fulham away), usually preferring to surrender fairly quickly and let the home side boss and dictate the midfield. We can be distinctively average at Craven Cottage. This being a post-Christmas clash is doubly worrying just because, well I don't know why. I guess I'm living in the past again. Because on current form - as far as we are concerned - we can handle ourselves just fine on our travels. So perhaps there is no need to knee-jerk before the game has even been played out.

The crux of it is, we tend to always fool ourselves into thinking we'll cope with them and yet fail to do so. That 4-0 FA Cup win is the type of repeat performance we can do with. And end this annoyance once and for all. We are decent away from home (repeated again just to drum home the point to myself). So we need to be confident going into this one.

Awesome Dawson

It's going to be won/lost in midfield. Obviously up to Dawson and Bassong (not going to the ANC - not great for him, great for us) to handle 'destroyer of bloggers' Bobby Zamora, rather than allow him to bully our back line, much like he did to King and Woodgate last time out. There was some of that naivety, inexperience away to Everton when the back-line sort of went from steel to jelly. No commanding presence. I noted how Dawson - even though he's 26 years young - has not had a consistent run over a period of seasons, rather bit parts here and there. But with every game, he is handling the responsibility of being the captain with much deserved acclaim. Dare I say, he's vocal? Don't whisper it, shout it. About time we had someone in there screaming out to players, encouraging and organising. He might not be a Ledley King in terms of the three 'C's (cool calm control) but he's still bloody fantastic. A proper honest down to earth hard working footballer who is not that bad of a player and has no qualms about rolling up his sleeves and getting dirty. He puts himself in there. He's got a bit of Tottenham in him. And one day so will Lily.

He could save us a few bob in the transfer market if he continues to impress in this fashion. I'm hearing 'Upson' get mentioned once too often in recent days and for whatever price is being tagged on him, I say 'no'. Change of tune here. We might just be alright at the back if Harry shows continued faith in our boy Daws. As for the Sunderland rumour. Do one. Lazy hacks.

Tactics

As for Fulham. Duff, Murphy and Dempsey will pose a threat so we need Wilson to enforce and protect and break-up play and Huddlestone (stats wise, he's in the top 5 best midfielders in the country for pass completion and apparently has more interceptions than Palacios - WOW) to work hard making sure there is no separation of partnership and no over-running done by the opposition. Yes, I said Hudd has to work hard. Which might mean we see Jenas play. I'm like a broken record with this. Every match preview, I ask if Hudd is suited for the next game and if there's a suspicion he might struggle then I suggest that the opposite of Tommy (high energy) has to be the resolution. Who would you have? Is there even a difference? I'd say there is and that Huddlestone offers more. Although when he is found lost in the mix, he can become redundant pretty quickly. Jenasesque almost. Or perhaps not. Perhaps its time to shut the fuck up about Hudd and take note of what he does on pitch.

I'm actually unable to decide on this midfield conundrum. Huddlestone starts every game. As much as some of us stand with thumbs pointing downwards, he must be doing something right to retain his place (check out the opta stats on the Sky Sports site). And as much as we'd like to believe Palacios does all the hard grafting, Tommy does get involved. The problem is the balance of that partnership is perhaps a little lopsided at the moment.

Same question for Crouch/Keane. Peter of Clancy could cause them some trouble, climbing all over their centre-backs, fouling them to his heart’s content. Scored two at Blackburn, so unless Harry uses his rotation excuse, he'll remain in the starting line-up. He can't really be dropped, not if Keane is still being punished for his Orish indiscretions. Which isn't the case at all. He's on the bench because he's not been very good. But don't be telling the hacks that because their back pages will dry up.

Conclusion

You know, re-thinking this, in the way of tactics or even a player-to-player comparison with the Fulham lads - its probably completely unnecessary. Not in the way of menacing disrespect. They are a plucky side, a decent one. But more the case that we - Spurs - are more than capable of going there and winning. We have the quality and we've shown the heart. Rather than take it for granted, all that Harry has to acquire from the players is yet more backbone and intent. And we've done that in practically all of our away games so far. So it's not so much as expecting the win but knowing, deep down, we are more than capable of doing so if the application is there.

I say, go forth and attack.

If the defence remain alert and Palacios/whomever fight for every ball then the likes of Lennon and Kranjcar will have time to do their usual hurting of the opposition. Basic football 101. Play as a unit, for each other, and play to our strengths. Going to Fulham on the back foot would be an embarrassment. Going there and limply rolling over and getting tickled would be humiliating.

As a way of comparison, watch how the Fulham players take the game to us on the day. They will not rest on their laurels or the glory of their recently released club DVD celebrating their 3-0 thrashing of Man Utd (they did release a DVD, right?).

We have to create hype rather than believe it.

That's almost it folks. One more blog (possibly) to come before Xmas and then I'll be back in front of a pc on Monday 28th Jan looking forward to 2010, West Ham at home and a month’s worth of detox. Have a wonderful Christmas. Hope Santa unloads his sack with everything you could ever wish for. And perhaps this time next year I'll be unloading my own sack when I finally get Lily alone.

Or from afar. With binoculars. Same difference. The end result is always going to be the same. I'll eat pizza and fall asleep.

The Respect Bobby Zamora Campaign

The Fulham fans (the ones that blog, evil lot they are) might not appreciate him but there is no denying Bobby Zamora is the real deal. He's the original Carlton Cole prototype. Clumsy? Sure, but undeniable and unplayable also. The clumsy stuff, that disguises the skill and intent. But unlike Cole, he's also got another devastating ingredient. Anger. A ton of anger. Plenty of fiery in your face have some of that anger. Bob has been inspiring for Fulham, taking himself to the next level of strikership. His goals are created purely from his presence in and around the box as though he wills the ball into an area where he can simply smack it in. He's practically telepathic. Brilliant player, has to travel to South Africa with England and without a doubt the most naturally gifted English forward from England currently playing in England.

The only way for Dawson and Bassong to stop this man is to shot him in the arse with a tranquilliser gun then drop a piano on him then dig a hole 100 feet deep and push him in and bury him in cement and then have Tony Soprano and his mob to crack open the cement, remove the body and then whack him with two bullets in the back of the head, dismember him into fifty different parts mailing them to fifty different countries around the world with instructions to boil the parts and then feed the soup to pigs. Wait for the pigs to digest the soup, slaughter the pigs and then turn them into bacon and serve the bacon as part of an all-English breakfast, with eggs beans, all that stuff, you know the drill, to Only Fools and Horses loving ex-pats who then go out on a bender and vomit their breakfast out into whatever street they're standing in and then let the rain wash it away into the drains where the rats then feed on the remaining chunks.

That won't stop Bob scoring a brace, but he'll probably fall short of notching up a hat-trick. Probably. Not guaranteed. It's Zamora. Who am I kidding? He'll endeavour and he'll come through the other side, letting you - yes you the ones who bemoan him behind the goal - exactly what he thinks. When you sit in row Z and the ball hits your head it's Zamora, and he meant it, because he was aiming for you, you mouthy over-critical Fulham blogging gits.

Respect him. Applaud him. The Z Man is back.


Fulham v Spurs match preview on its way (tomorrow probably).