The Magnificent Seven - Deconstructing the Tottenham midfield conundrum - Part I

Palacios. Modric. Jenas. Zokora. Huddlestone. Taarabt. O'Hara. Seven players. One massive conundrum, as puzzling to us in the same way a Rubik's Cube would be for a blind monkey. Why do we persistently struggle with the central midfield pairing and how do we go about resolving it? Signing Wilson Palacios might allow for some sustained consistency but who is best paired up with him? Where should Modric play - central or left-wing? Can Jenas ever offer us whatever it is he's meant to offer? Is Huddlestone too slow to command first team selection and have a team built (orbit) around him? Has Zokora found his true calling elsewhere in the starting line-up? And what of Jamie O'Hara and his big Lilywhite heart but limited abilities?

Where do we even begin to unearth the answers? Most of the questions might be redundant come the summer anyway as Harry chops and changes the team to his liking. But the fact remains we find ourselves in this current predicament and a working partnership still needs to be formulated in the centre of the park.

So let's go back in time a little bit to where it all began (to go wrong).

Part I - How do you solve a problem like Carrick ?

Ever since Michael Carrick moved onto pastures new and claimed a new founded personal annoyance of having to polish loads of silver around the house, we've gone back to the drawing board more times than Rolf Harris. And all we ever manage is a badly illustrated scribble of Mickey Mouse which looks more like a duck. Slightly roasted.

Why is it such a monumental task of impossibility for our little club in N17 to plug the gaping holes? There's no doubting our efforts to plug said holes. We throw money into them. In all the years we've been crying out for a true left-winger, we've done the same with our fabled dreams of a defensive midfielder. A 'most wanted' player to marshal the centre-park with authority and menace. We've never really managed to pick up either. Capable players have worn the Lilywhite shirt (Mendes) and others have struggled with injuries (Sean Davis). Whereas some have been below average (KPB) or far too erratic (Ghaly).

Carrick of course was never an out-and-out 'DM' himself when at the Lane. He does have some wonderful defensive capabilities. His knack of nicking the ball away before the need to tackle is something many of the overly passionate missed in his early Spurs days when it was simply easier (and incorrect) to bemoan his apparent lack of getting stuck in. Carrick would sweep up and orchestrate proceedings as he assisted the team to push forward with intent. His passing was (is) top drawer. He positively glowed with quality. Hence his departure to Manchester United and guaranteed winners medals.

Our sun had gone supernova and replaced by a black hole.

So who did we turn too in our hour of need? Carrick was spellbinding for us in his final season, which saw us famously lose 4th spot at the death. We got around £18M - £20M for him. He wanted to leave, he made no secret of the fact, and never lied about it or his ambitions. With Davids having added bite and experience to our midfield that season, we had what you might consider to be a backbone. A pretty decent one. It was no surprise to see us perform so well.

Throughout my life as a Spurs fan, the club (on the pitch) has been defined simply by the following:

- Flair players, with shirts tucked out
- Free flowing, beautiful football
- Loads of Cup silverware
- Bit of a soft touch (i.e. no backbone)

The spirit of a David Mackay or Graham Roberts has been missing from our starting line-ups far too many times over the past decade and a bit. We've much preferred to splash money out on what people (fans and the media) expect from us. Luxury players, who are only luxury because the rest of the team structure lacks the right amount of balance to accommodate them. Superfluous signings are quintessentially Tottenham when something far more basic and unsexy is the sometimes the answer.

Obviously, I'm exaggerating a little with that assessment. The likes of Ginola and Gascoigne are definitive Spurs players and I'm glad we saw them in a Spurs shirt. But there has been times when we've had players worthy of winning silverware but no backbone to support them. Which is why as a soft touch we never appear to do much in the sustained challenge that league football offers.

Considering we have an outstanding tradition in playing football (in the purest sense of how football should be played) and a ridiculous list of uber-talented players dating all the way back to the 1950's - you can probably ask yourself what if someone had built a Spurs side that combined the best of both worlds rather than always siding with the romantic notion of beautiful football?

It's easy for anyone to say 'what if' and then lay claim for the missing pieces of the jigsaw. We got away with the gaping holes until mediocrity reigned supreme and injections of a Ginola or Gazza were not enough to see us progress (other than Cup Final wins) so we stuttered through the mid-90's and into the new century badly lagging behind the Top 4.

The renaissance under Martin Jol was an indication that plugging in the right players means things can tick along splendidly. One player out of synch could result with the whole team being lopsided. And once that happens, it can so easily come apart.

So with Carrick gone, the replacement had to be one of two things. And this is just an opinion, as I'm sure some of you will have your own:

1) A direct replacement

Obviously, finding a Carrick clone was never going to happen. But drafting in a similar style of footballer (a good passer of the ball, good vision, good defensive qualities, steady, reliable and consistent) was an option. If one could be found. There wasn't it seems any available in the UK that fitted the bill, but that's going on the assumption that Comolli and Jol were looking for a player of the exact same ilk.

2) An out-and-out defensive midfielder

DM is arguably interpreted in many ways depending on personal opinion. Is a DM the same thing as a holding midfielder? Well yes, except you'll still hear people say that Carrick is a combination of both or more so the latter with one or two offensive weapons in his locker (ooh) too. Even though, fundamentally both have a duty to protect the defence and to help out the midfield and forwards. So a DM is the same as a holding midfielder. Right? It's just a different descriptive label for the same thing. Right? The reason I'm banging on about this is because of the amount of discussions/arguments I've heard debating the differences between certain players who play in the central midfield position that is not the attacking position (catchy). If you get a player who does more in said position than the next bloke, it's probably because he is simply a better footballer.

Much like House music is broken down into countless genres and sub-genres, the same could be applied for this much maligned midfield role. Carrick would fall into the Progressive House category. Plenty of peaks and layers, bringing them together to drive forward some good solid movement.

For the sake of this discussion and article, by out-and-out I'm simply referring to the Roy Keane stable of midfielders. Loads of bite, someone you can count on in a battle and (to retain an element of the Tottenham way without going off in the complete opposite direction - i.e. Robbie Savage) a player who can pass the ball. Offence is the best form of defence, right?

Zokora's movement is unsurpassed

Now this basis of the exact type of player required to fill the void will be the responsibility of manager and director of football. How do Spurs push on from here with minimum impact to the teams performance? Carrick is gone so do we want to continue playing the same type of system or do we have to adapt accordingly? It's the latter. Simply because every player is unique. Not trying to teach you to suck eggs with that particular understatement. No matter who or what you bring in as a replacement, the team balance will alter from 'ever so slightly' all the way down to 'Oh my God the humanity!' depending on the choice.

We don't have the obvious quality that Utd and Liverpool and Chelsea have in this 'DM' position. So when we lose a player like Carrick, its a serious issue. Arsenal have struggled this season with their obvious lack of depth in centre midfield. And going back to when Carrick departed, we had to make sure it was not detrimental to the teams progress.

Hmm. Yeah. I know.

So basically - the replacement would either be a 'conductor' who could still get forward and create something either with a pass or a dinking run as well as completing his holding role or a more traditional DM who would get stuck in, bite the ankles of opposing players and generally do all the dirty work and graft allowing the more skilful creative players the time, freedom and space to do their thing.

What Jol and Comolli did was sign Didier Zokora.

Zoko had performed with much acclaim during the African Nations cup. He looked good and at £8M, a steal. Here's someone who appeared to have an abundance of energy and authority. Could tackle and thus although not as subtle and clever as Carrick - still a player with some midfield clout. The one evident (and worrying aspect) was his passing. Or lack of. Add to it his lack of goals also. But many still saw this as a major coup.

So there was no direct replacement for Carrick in the strictest sense of the word. Didier and Michael might be grouped under the DM stable, but both are very different which meant the team would need to adapt and evolve into something a little bit different. But such was the importance and productivity of Carrick, Zokora was always doomed to fail.

If Didier Zokora was House music he'd be Minimal. Repetitive glitches and bleeps and some sporadic melodic moments now and again.

What we have at the present moment in time is a nifty little dancer who is infinitely better at right-back than in central midfield. I'm not blaming Zokora for the teams frailties. He was apparently (if you believe the press) courted by several 'big clubs' before accepting our offer. I spent the first season making excuses claiming 'he needs time to bed in'. He was no Carrick (who also took a little time to settle the nerves of the Spurs boo-boys) but he was also not the player many had watched and admired at international level. He was at times clumsy in his manner.

Zokora doesn't appear to excel at anything in particular when tasked with bossing the midfield area. Yes - he has put in some outstanding shifts in his time at WHL including a purple patch or two. And even recently he appeared to improve (possibly the arrival of Wilson played a part in that). But he can't pass the ball to save his life and his positional sense is poor and, well, he isn't the best tackler of the ball either. He simply doesn't dominate the midfield in any way that would help support the players around him. Now that might have a lot to do with the fact that Spurs always have a mish-mash of players that don't quite compliment each other. Bit like building something you see on Blue Peter with random items you'd usually just bin. Ends up looking snazzy, but at the end of the day it's just made up of rubbish.

And as Carrick famously stated, players at Spurs (during his time) didn't do their utmost to improve themselves by competing with team mates. So Zokora has never actually improved in any way since signing. Whether that's because he can't or because the Tottenham Disease is still evident, I don't know.

As mentioned earlier, it's not the fault of Zokora. And his effort can't be faulted when he is on the pitch. Great athlete. In a more disciplined position like right-back where his responsibilities are more defined, he has been a revelation. He can defend, work well with his team mates, and push forward with intent.

So why can't he do the same in midfield? Simply put? Didier has no footballing brain. The engine room of the team doesn't just need a grafter, it needs someone who can finely tune the nuts and bolts and unclog any parts that stop working. Zokora spends far too much time on a tea break. Sure, we love it when he just runs forward like an unstoppable locomotive. There are aspects of his play you almost admire and smile at. But its endearing and not exactly the foundation to build your midfield on.

Making things doubly difficult during this period of change was that as lauded as Carrick was for his holding play, he was far more than a guardian of our defence holding back the freedom for opposing players to run amok. He was also a deep-laying playmaker. By virtue of defending, he'd set our players off in the opposite direction. His Hoddlesque passing and quick thinking made us tick. When he left for Utd, we didn't just lose one player. We lost the man with two brains and gained a man with half of one.

What happened next? Not a lot.

Part II will follow in the next couple of days with a look at JJ's role in the Spurs midfield.

Today will be madness

If you take a quick look around the message boards and Sports pages you'll find the following gathering pace:

Keane coming back
Lennon to Liverpool
Bent leaving
Quaresma on loan
Jenas to Inter

Bringing Robbie back is embarrassing. We are bailing out Liverpool and the player himself. If we lose Lennon as part of the deal I'll be absolutely livid with the club. There is no guarantee that Keane will be the same player he was without Berbatov by his side and let's face it. He must be a little bit damaged by the experience. Boyhood dream in tatters. I'd rather take the risk in whether Lennon will develop into a player with end product than wonder if Keane will be able to reclaim his past Spurs form. Aaron is also much younger than Robbie.

Bent leaving is a strange one. We love to hate Darren. Sometimes, he appears to do nothing in a game. But he does score. He's a bit fragile, so maybe not the right type of player mind-set we need at the moment. I'd still rather hold onto him for now. You know. In case of another injury.

Quaresma is also a strange one. Talented with plenty of unfulfilled potential. Never settled in one place. Is he built for a relegation dogfight? How long will he take to bed in? And if you want to believe that Jose wants Jenas in exchange as part of a loan deal, then this transfer window has officially been tagged as loopy. Apparently, according to Jose, Ibrahimovic is more of a team player than Quaresma. Ouch.

What concerns me is that we haven't looked to actually fill the gaps. I guess apart from the left-wing position, if the Inter lad signs.

"We need strength, big players" - We buy lickle Jermaine. Who was carrying a knock and might now have a broken foot.

"We need people who want to play for this club and know what it means to put on the shirt" - We re-sign Chimbonda. Good olde loyal Shimbomba.

"We need a holding midfielder" - We sign Palacios. Who has 'everything in a midfielder I want' but isn't technically speaking a holding midfielder. Add to the mix, Zokora who Harry wants to continue playing which would then mean that we plan to continue lining up with a 5-man midfield. And if that's the case......do we need to keep spunking so much on forwards?

I'm frustrated. As much as you are, I'm sure.

Arshavin has apparently flown back home today having arrived in London yesterday. Not that Levy would dare place a cheeky bid for him after the summer fiasco with Zenit. Did Arsenal ever stand a chance in signing him? Considering how tight they are and how money obsessed Zenit are.

As I type this apparently Liverpool want Saviola and Spurs are interested also.....but Spurs are willing to back off if the Anfield club give us Robbie. These type of transfer bluffs seem to be happening with alarming occurrence.

I've stuck some popcorn in the microwave. Snowed in. Sky Sports ticker day for me.

Mourinho'ed

Jenas to Inter? Scoff.

Apparently his admiration for Bale and JJ dates back six months when the Daily Telegraph asked him to take part in their Fantasy Football league. He picked the both of them.

Once more, I applaud the nations tabloids, broadsheets and Sky Sports News for re-inventing old news. Does nobody confirm quotes and comments drafted up for print? Or perhaps it's the old nudge nudge wink wink, '......print this and I'll buy you a pint' favour journos do for football agents to help add weight to something that doesn't quite exist.

Jose hinted that the 'quotes' have resurfaced because someone might just be interested in one of his players. I'd prefer not to do the maths on this with regards to where the story got it's re-birth from. You know. Because of the Adriano rumours.

At least it gave us all something to write about, debating how Jenas must be more than decent if the Special One wants him in his side and that us fans are blinded by our lack of true in-game knowledge and know-how that leaves us without sight of just how vital JJ is to the midfield. Riiiiiiight.

Someone needs to follow-up and ask Jose if he's transferred JJ and Bale out of his team since July and who he's replaced them with? Might be a story in there for the red tops.

Jose flirts with Jenius

Palacios is almost done and dusted. And the madness of this transfer window continues, this time with the Special One, Jose, telling us all the way from Milan (via Sky Sports News) that he wants Jenas. This following on from some rather nice comments made about Gareth Bale (as good as Ashley Cole apparently).

So, what gives with Mourinho? Someone spike his morning cup of coffee?

Every manager, Spurs or England, appear to rate Jermaine, whilst opposing fans and the Spurs faithful laugh and pull their hair out respectively. All the potential to be the next Gerrard. Has the energy, the athleticism but lacks the most important factor of them all. Arrogance. Jenas has no confidence or self-belief. And the comfort of White Hart Lane has nullified and stagnated any chance of development, though arguably, there was never any guarantee he would make the steps up to international class and then world class - especially in the comfort zone that is White Hart Lane. Believe that you are outstanding and you tend to be fairly outstanding in performance, more so in the case of someone like Lampard than a Bentley. You need the ability in the first place. Lampard believes his own hype. Bentley's hype is mis-guided. So does Jenas have 'that ability'? Is there a chance he can tap into it?

Gerrard is on another level. Penthouse apartment. Gold taps in the bathroom. But most would say Jenas is lost somewhere in the underground car-park, alone and scared.

So why does Jose, along with all other managers who have worked with Jenas, rate him so highly? Are his strengths invisible to the eyes of run-of-the-mill football fans? Does Jose believe he can coax out the Gerrard in Jenas and push him to the level Lampard plays at? Probably. If one person can take potential (Joe Cole) and turn it to gold, Jose can.

£20M should do the trick.

It's a mad mad mad mad world...

Can someone find a moment to help me define what exactly constitutes a ‘flop’? Because Gio do Santos appears to be the very personification of one according the media who, almost every other week, like to tell us that he isn’t wanted by Spurs and that he is set to be shifted out (PSG the current tabloid choice of the week).

This is the same Gio that Harry Redknapp couldn’t wait to have back from injury. Oh yes, the wee lad has been out for a while and hasn’t been able to play. Did you not know that? Regardless of his injury how dare he fail to impress chilling on the treatment table listening to his ipod. What a waste of money hey?

Honestly, get a grip.

I know it’s the Jan transfer window and it’s the time of year when journalists, sports writers and editors all over the country lobotomise each other with pencils as they conduct a symphony of monkeys on typewriters who churn out transfer story after transfer story to the theme tune of Saint and Greavise. What? You thought Jenas to Madrid wrote itself?

We all know that the stories we read whilst munching on our coco-pops are an amalgamation of half-truths, guess-work, the bleeding obvious and agent whispers. Add to the mix Harry Redknapp and his batphone and the press are practically drowning in gossip column exclusives.

Gio is a talent. He’s young and proven at all international levels he’s appeared at for Mexico. Not the finished article by a longshot. He obviously isn’t as naturally gifted or talented as Bojan or Messi – but then you’ll be hard pressed to find players of the same age who are. He left Barcelona simply because of the likes of Messi. There’s no way in for him. Joining Spurs and finding himself playing for a team with no direction, structure or confidence isn’t the ideal way to kick-start your life in the Premiership. Getting injured and being out for a lengthy period sort of puts the dampers on any type of progression.

So unless Redknapp is telling fibs (that’s unpossible) why on earth would we want to get rid of a player that hasn’t had a chance to shine? A creative player, one that tore it up in the U17 World Cup back in 2005 and again in the U20 World Cup in ’07. A player we could do with as an option once we sign some 'proper' up-for-a-relegation-battle fighters to give us the required backbone to help protect him as he dinks down the wing.

Gio isn’t the only player ‘on his way’ according to our esteemed journo friends and their monkey companions. Bentley is also on the list. It’s fair to say he has been a titanic disappointment. Here’s a player that is basically very decent on his day. He isn’t great, but he’s very good and would grace practically all Prem clubs (apart from the top 4 who do possesses ‘great’ quality). However, our David, is too distracted by the fact that he thinks he’s great. Highlights and Beckham comparisons aside, when he isn’t star-jumping David is trying way too hard rather than simply playing for the team and doing the simple things. We’ve seen this before. We saw it with Gomes. Confidence is drained and you can’t even muster up school-boy basics. But selling him so soon after signing him is a pointless exercise (although if there is one club that is masterful at being pointless it's us). If Spurs manage to claw back some form, Bentley will most likely begin to shine.

He’s still actually the wrong type of player for Spurs. A bit superfluous at times, even when ‘on form’. Not the backbone made of steel type of team player Spurs have been crying out for 20 years. But then when have we ever gone out and signed the right type of player?

Another one who is set to leave WHL is our dear beloved Jermaine Jenas. The perpetually potentially 'great' box-2-box player. An enigma. Undroppable for so many seasons at Spurs, doesn’t do much unless it’s against the likes of Derby or a depleted Arsenal side. Yet on occasions is somehow inexplicable ‘missed’ from the team when he doesn’t play. You know what I mean? You’ve heard Spurs fans say it:

“I hate to say it, but we missed Jenas today”

You can’t explain why, but you find yourself believing it and when he does play, you’re smashing the keyboard as you punch your frustrations posting on a Spurs message board calling him 'useless'. What does Jenas do exactly? It's not an easy question to answer.

JJ has been linked with (as mentioned earlier) Madrid and also Everton and Wigan and probably one or two other clubs, with his value measured between £3.5M to £8M. If Palacios arrives at the Lane (and he plays as a DM) then is it really Jenas under threat or Zokora? Or will Harry play Palacios and Zokora together? And what of Appiah? Is he the backup plan in case we fail to bring in a bog-standard £15M (or so) signing? Palacios and Modric in centre-mid will do me just fine.

Then you have the forwards. Defoe (can he actually hold up the ball or beat the offside trap?), Pav (he's not been the country for long) and Bent (on his way to Villa?). A mish-mash of styles, none of them suited to play with each other. Otherwise, why would we be courting the ever-smiling Craig 'who took a dump in my corn flakes?' Bellamy?

Then there’s the story that has somehow fallen under the media's radar concerning Arshavin. Arsenal haven’t actually made a bid (which explains Latcher’s insistent moaning) and Spurs and Zenit have long agreed a deal, the basis being that if nobody matches it then he signs for Spurs. Yep, that’s right. Transfer fee as well as personal terms all agreed and sorted. It was all agreed and sorted back at the last deadline, till around 11:40pm when Zenit started playing silly buggers again and the deal failed to complete by midnight. But the agreement stayed in place. If nobody bids the exact same amount of more, then Zenit have to process the deal cometh the deadline. And when is the deadline? 16th January. Today. Must be true cause I read it in an internet fourm, LOLZ.

If you’re going to ask me to hold onto my hat, don’t bother. I’ll probably be eating it later on. If those pesky monkeys haven’t got a hold of it before me.

Here's £10M and hold on, got another £5M in my back pocket

We've failed in a £10M bid for Wigan's Palacios. But from the sounds of it they are willing to part with the player if we bid a little more. Dave Whelan has told Spurs what they want. Probably £15M. Not sure he's worth anything more than £8M let alone £10M or £15M, but Spurs don't tend to pay true value for players anyhow.

I'm also far too distracted by Sky Sports News and their 'Inter will consider selling Adriano to Spurs if Jenas goes the other way' story.

Beautiful.

Jenas to Madrid

Then there was one

Bent is a doubt for tomorrow night. He's had a bout of tonsillitis. Pavlyuchenko is Cup tied and Robbie Keane is out on loan to Liverpool, which means the soon to depart back to Man Utd Fraizer Campbell will be our sole striking option. That's just returned to training after a calf injury Fraizer Campbell. Jenas is expected back far sooner than expected (possibly Sunday week or Boxing Day).

At least there's one positive out of that lot. And with any luck he might not be back on Boxing Day.

Nah, just fucking with ya. Jermaine, get fit soon mate.

As for our defence, Woodgate and King are out, so Dawson and Corluka to play centre-back buddies again I guess. Not sure if that means Zokora will once more slot into the right-back position (agreeable) and Huddlestone playing centre-mid.

Draw will get us through against Moscow on Thursday night.

UPDATE: Corluka is cup-tied. All fun and games for 'arry.

Challenge Spurs™ - Nuts to you Berbatov

Challenge Spurs™

Game 09 v (H) Manchester United
0-0, draw
Total points: 19
Position: 15th

As far as 0-0 draws go, this wasn't too shabby a game.

Atmosphere was better than recent home games too (even if Utd were fairly quiet possibly due to their reduced allocation for their insistent standing at away games - which is ridiculous - let away fans stand, leave us with an ounce of joy at the very least as you seem hell bent to take everything else from us), thanks largely to the return of Dimitar Berbatov, who looked out of sorts.

Though arguably that best describes Man Utd's away form this season. Loads of classy touches and movement, but no cutting edge when it matters. We lost Woodgate to injury early on, which meant Corluka slotted into centre-back next to awesome Dawson (King failed a fitness test, which was no great surprise). Our midfield general under-achiever (see what I did there?), Zokora, went to right-back to handle Ronaldo.

Huddlestone, came on for Woody, and into centre midfield. This type of re-shuffle usually has me crying hysterically. But things turned out fine, even with the wishfully avoidable depletion. Utd had plenty of possession but efforts on goal were shared between both teams. Look, I suck at writing up match reviews and there's no point in going into any great analytical detail because you were either at the game, watched it on Match of the Day or read it about it in the papers (not that the latter is any good for unbiased reporting).

So here's some thoughts in no particular order:

Zokora was a revelation. He looks so much better at right-back than he does in midfield, probably because the responsibility of looking after that flank is a far easier concept to handle than attempting to boss the middle of the park. I'd say he kept Ronaldo pretty quiet, but it's a far easier job when the Portuguese winger only half turns up for games nowadays. Blatantly trying to make it easy for Fergie to sell him off come the summer. Petulant little c*nt kicked out (ala Beckham, World Cup) but as our refs don't follow anything to the letter, preferring to translate the rules as they see fit depending on how bad of a day they are having, didn't give so much as a yellow card for it. Not that Dawson complained or dropped like a sack of potatoes. Maybe he should of. Earlier today the FA said they would take no action as the ref said had he seen the incident he would not have sent off Ronaldo. How fucking gracious of him.

As for Daws, he played a blinder. And Corluka continues to impress with each passing game. The same can't be said about our Russian centre-forward, Pav. Struggled in a big way to find space, hold onto the ball, do anything. 4-5-1 does seem to work for us, but Pav isn't the type of player who's made for being up front on his own. When Bent came on, nothing much changed. Modric playing just behind the forward also needs some form of tweaking, or just patience till Luka starts scoring goals. If you have a midfielder playing as the more forward player other than the lone centre-forward, then you need him scoring goals too.

He had an ok day on Saturday, nothing special. One or two mis-placed balls, which was more down to a lack of understanding than anything else . If we still had Berbatov or a player of his ilk, we would be LOL'ing at the havoc we would create upfront. Modric wouldn't have to concern himself, he'd just play the ball into the space and the Berba-ilk player would instinctively run onto the ball to receive it, unlike his second level team-mates. Oh yes I know, if if if if. Whether 'arry brings in another forward is anyone's guess.

Whispers suggest Heskey or Crouch. No, that's Heskey or Crouch, where did I say Arshavin exactly? Heskey/Crouch would hold the ball up, which would mean the midfield (Luka included) could push forward further. Modric did have a couple of worthy efforts - flying through the air like a salmon (thanks to Michael McIntyre for the half-time comedy randomness) - but his header not finding the target. And all from a wonderful Zokora cross (it's the right-back position, its magic).

He also had a dipping shot that took an ever so slight deflection. For now, Bent and Pav is all we have (Campbell is injured and isn't - for obvious reasons - a long term answer) so if they don't play together, and we stick with the 4-5-1, then Harry has to work on how we can make it work. Pav, to be fair, looks knackered having played in the summer for Russia and also 5 months of a league season before joining us. His biggest contribution was for Utd, when he got in the way of a Huddlestone pile-driver.

One rumour from Russia was that Ramos had inquired about him for Madrid, on a loan deal. Doubtful. Lennon had a great run and shot at goal. Was pretty lively, but at times came up second best to Rafael (who looks like that kid from Heroes). Bentley again failed to impress, apart from a volley from nothing moment (easily dealt with, but hey, it looked greeeeeeeeat on tv) and a free-kick which could have sneaked in, but van der Sar was equal to it. Other than that, still playing from memory.

Ekotto? Impressive. Not perfect by a long shot, but does the job well enough. Quietly consistent at the moment.

Gomes was superb. When called upon, he saved well. Very well. No signs of the dodgy keeper from recent weeks. Great save from a free-kick late on. As for the returning Berbatov, I almost fainted when I saw him chasing down a ball and tracking back to defend corners. Amazing stuff. He had one great chance, but Dawson foiled him at the last second before he had the chance to pull the trigger.

Other than that, and the usual slick touches, he wasn't at his best. Only one downer was Woodgate's injury (original rumour was he had to see a specialist (having been rushed to hospital), but according to the latest reports he is fine but will miss a game or two at the most) and Jenas has torn his calf muscle and will be out for 'months'. I know, that's two. But I did say 'only one'.

Still unbeaten against Top 4 opposition this season. Shame we lost to Sunderland, Stoke and Hull. Newcastle up next. In-form Newcastle. Another away day trip to a place where we historically get nothing.

Expect plenty of goals.

Midnight Epiphany

I've had enough. Of Jenas. Ramos. The lot of them. We couldn't score in a brothel were all the women were knocked out from ryhypnol and tied up, bums in air, with us on a Viagra buzz. We'd still somehow, inexplicably, find our way to the cold shower and stand under it until our dicks shrivelled.

A chain reaction is required. If we lose to Hull, then Ramos should go. Taking with him the extra £5M (severance pay) and a bit that Levy got from Man Utd for Berbatov's inflated price. As much as I beat the drums for patience, if the player's can't perform for the manager next Sunday, then the fact this dismal league run stretches back to March of this year is enough for me to call time on the waiting game.

I'm being a typical fickle Spurs fan, swaying from one opinion to the next. But with Ramos (possibly, impending) departure, comes the sacking of Comolli. And possibly the surrender of the DoF concept. Expecting Levy to walk away is a bit too much at this point.

Round-up

Lacking the time to be all satirical and ‘in character’ so you’ll have to make do with a rather bland overview of the last 5 days or so until I’m back in front of a pc, drenched in inspiration and high on drugs.

Ramos has introduced an appraisal system for players and staff in order to gage their ambitions. I can see it now.

RAMOS: So, what are you ambitions?
JENAS: To learn to control the ball with my first touch.
RAMOS: That’s never going to happen.
JENAS: I scored twice against Wigan.
RAMOS: Of course you did, you’re our very own Zizou. Here’s a lollypop.
JENAS: Yeah! A lollypop! I can do it too with Kandoo!

In addition, a new diet regime is also being implemented, so expect a pouty size zero Robinson sporting a rather lush looking goalkeeper jersey soon, drinking champers and snorting coke between goal-kicks. Also, let’s take a moment to laugh out loud at the Spanish press who appear to have out-done their English counterparts. For some rather deranged reason they seem to think that Spurs have turned into Chelsea and have ‘300 Million Euros’ to spunk on players.

The following have all been recently linked:

Casillas - £25m
Villa - £30m
Xavi - £15m
Alves - £20m
Kanoute - £15m
Baptista - £10m

Add Diego Capel (Sevilla winger) to the long list of targets and endless money pit that Levy apparently has. Love the fact that all players mentioned are attackers/forwards. Even Alves is better known for his attacking prowess than his defensive duties. All very likely, no? It’s tiresome. But then this is modern day journalism. And with the Jan transfer window not too far off, its only natural the agents and tabloids go into overdrive.

And if that’s not enough, Comolli is allegedly looking at Arsenal reserve players as potential targets. It’s Christ-maaaaaaaaaaas! Let’s balance the team out with rejects from the pikey side of town. That should elevate morale with the fans. And yes, the irony that their reserves are better than our first team isn’t lost on me. It's a cruel and bitter life.

Another tale from the terraces suggests that Taarabt (depending on who tells you) wants to join Arsenal/Wenger wants to sign him. Hands up if you think he’d be in the first team squad all the time if he was a gooner or at Old Trafford? Hopefully he will impress the Ramos in training and finally get a shot at the first team proper rather than a cameo every few months. The kid has genuine world class potential. And no, I’m not talking about the Huddlestonesque kind (though if the Hudd lost some weight he just might make it). Taarabt has to be developed, something I’m much more confident will happen with the new regime than any of the past efforts. And part of that development is playing in the first team from a young age. Ask Fergie and Wenger about the success rate with taking this particular type of plunge.

Elsewhere, Spurs finally get planning permission for their new training ground, which will apparently attract world class players. Why? Will there be a poker room and pole-dancing stage with accompanying escort girls? We still await on the big talking point as to whether we are planning on re-developing WHL or moving (potentially) to a site in Enfield. As discussed before, one possible outcome is to ground share at West Ham United. Ground sharing with them lot is like asking Frank if it’s okay to share Pat Butcher in a ménage a trios. What on God’s green earth would possess you to do something so vile and disgusting?

And talking of them lot, WHU away on Sunday. A repeat of last year, thank you very much.

Elsewhere, various rumours about Ledley King doing the rounds again. One suggesting he had a setback weeks back and won’t be seen for another month or two. The other rumour, suggests he has simply been rested for 3 months as precaution (in addition to the summer months) and will be back soon. Both forum efforts these ones. Pinch of salt as per usual. Don’t cry just yet, wait for the official site to update you with the bad news.

England are back in the hunt for qualification when it seemed the dream was over. I don’t usually speak about the National side. One under-achieving team is enough to be depressed about. If we win by a few goals we finish top of the group. Knighthood back on for McClaren then. Love his thank-you speech highlighting Israel’s pride that helped ensure a shock 2-1 win. If our players had some pride we wouldn’t be relying on Russia to fuck up. Still, plenty of time for us to do just that with Croatia on Wednesday. Dear Mr McClaren, now there’s a thought…

We've had to wait 2 months for this

Spurs 4 Wigan 0

Wigan join Derby as one of the worst Prem team I've seen for a number of years. Utterly woeful, incapable of holding onto the ball or passing it to their own players. Instead, ace at giving the ball back to us and being generally shit, more so than us. We did enough to win the Biggest Game in our History™ comfortably, and we could easily have added 3 or more to the scoreline with the woodwork rescuing Wigan from a complete rout. The win was vital. And to achieve it with a little bit of swagger, just enough to brush a doomed team aside, gives the impression that improvement is gradually occuring. Conceding against this lot would have made me suicidal. Don't think Robinson had one shot to save. And Ramos has taken note of the fact that protecting a lead isn't the way to go - adding more goals to the tally allows for us hold onto the initiative and possession rather than sit back and let the opposing team attack. It was all a bit too easy.

And yes, the irony that our two Prem wins this season have come against the two worst teams is isn't lost on even the most fickle of Spurs fans.

Jenas (aka The Destroyer of Shit Teams™) was at his industrious best (gosh) and should have scored a hat trick, but rather than use the inside of his foot to place the ball he decided to use the outside. Gift wrapped opp, considering the Wigan defence parted like the Red Sea for him, except Moses would never have fallen on his face in the midst of such a dramatic moment. Jenas, once more a Biblical disappointment when it was easier to score. Could have done with Moses cane for assured balance as he tried to place the ball. Though kudos for the two goals he did get. And his general getting-forwardness. One day, he'll perform like this against a proper side.

Pro-Jenas comment, for larfs and larks

Great to see that our players are taking shots from outside the area. Lennon included, who scored a fine goal. Under Jol, we always seemed to favour walking it into the penatly area and then attempting to bury it. Nothing wrong with having a crack. Just ask deflection king, Frank Lampard.

And what about The Sulk? Well, Berbatov was - it has to be said - sublime. Involved in three of the four goals (setting up two) and even managed to throw in a smile. In fact, Berbatov played very well, an anchor between midfield and attack. Playmaker, even. Another nice touch by Ramos. Works better than Keane being the anchor as he ends up playing far too deep to be effective enough. Sure, the Bulgarian appeared to be a little sulky and did his usual 'moan at everyone' routinue (as has been the case all season) but his touches and lay-offs and his general presence was telling and inspired.

A rampant Spurs side of last year or the year before would have scored 7 with ease. I think today, anything less than 3-0 would have been a disappointment.

Wigan would win the ball and then pass it back to us, and some of their defending consisted of backing away from our players and hoping nothing would come from our play. Truly miserable stuff. They brought down a hundred or fans, and I applaud them for making the effort, the poor bastards have little chance of survival on this evidence. And with Marcus 'Relegated with six clubs' Bent in their side, they really don't have the blessing of the footballing Gods. Probably what Whelan deserves, mind. Back to the Championship for you mate.

Anyway, let's get some perspective. It was only Wigan. International break up next followed by West Ham United away. Probably the first big test for Ramos.