A Guide to Knee-jerking

A Guide to Knee-jerking

Hello. Welcome to my Guide to Knee-Jerking, presented by my good self, Gareth Bale. As you know I play left-back and sometimes cameo in the left midfield position. I have beautiful hair, conditioned and shampooed every day and a cheeky Welsh smile as wide as the valleys back home. There's been plenty of confusion recently with regards to the form of my team, Tottenham, and our progress as we mount a Top 4 challenge, so to help you along, here's something I prepared so you can avoid confusion at the final whistle of games and be cool with your mates and impress them with your unbiased and insightful opinions on Spurs. Enjoy.

If we win well, then it’s a sure sign of certain progression and the 90 minutes in question stands as a true testament of our season ahead.

Lose, and the same logic applies in reverse, deeming us simply not good enough. Feel free to jump from one bandwagon to the next on a fortnightly basis dismissing your prior standpoint.

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It's perfectly fine for a player to sit at the top of the goal-scoring charts and be worshipped with much acclaim after a 5 goal haul, but remember - if he misses a few chances or perhaps even a penalty, it's unquestionable evidence that he's over-rated and one dimensional. I mean come on, five against Wigan? If we had Rasiak up front in that game, even he would have scored. Probably. Might have. Okay, maybe Rasiak isn't the best example there. Nico Claesen would have bagged six.

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Substitutions made by Harry Redknapp should only be cited if:

A) He doesn't make any substitutions, which is proof he has not got a clue how to change a game
B) He makes a sub and nothing in the game changes (meaning he made the wrong sub)
C) He makes a sub, but in hindsight, not at the right moment in the game, meaning he made the wrong sub
D) He makes a sub and we still lose, meaning he's responsible for the defeat
E) He makes a sub and that sub has a positive impact - the player gets the credit

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If Robbie Keane plays but doesn't score it's because he was otherwise engaged with all the hard work and running into deep positions to aid the teams structure with connecting the midfield with the attack and if he did not do this under-rated work, the side would not function properly. This is bollocks. Do not be fooled by this blatant propaganda. Running up and down the pitch doesn't constitute productive play. If he does not score, he has done nothing to warrant his place in the side. If he scores, he didn't mean it. I'm only joking Robbie. Everyone knows he was the one that made Berbatov look good.

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If Ledley King has an off-game, it's all the proof you need that he's finished and it's time for him to retire.

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Playing scrappy, with various players lacking decent form, but still managing to scrap a fortunate win is the true sign of resilience and mental strength.

Playing scrappy, with various players lacking decent form, but unluckily failing to scrap a fortunate win is the true sign that we're a team without resilience and mental strength.

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Huddlestone. Just have a dig at him so you're not left out of conversations. Make sure you get in the one about the QE2 and turning around slowly and your mates will be buying you drinks for the rest of the night. However, if he's scored one of those blistering volleys, he's top drawer and who needs mobility when you can score from distance, right?

If you're not a fan of his passing, it's because his passing range is nothing more than disguised long hoofing balls forward.

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Peter Crouch. It's totally his fault that most of the balls played up to him are high and in the air. He's tall ffs. What does he expect? Ball to feet? God created him like that for a reason, so stop confusing matters with your tidy quick feet Peter and try and head the ball for once rather than give away yet another free-kick.

Rubbish, just rubbish. 

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Young players. If they don't play well or look out of sorts, get on their back! It's a common misconception, but the more you sigh and groan and slate them, the more chance they have of improving. Look at me. I'm improving all the time, even defeated my jinx recently and it's all because people keep saying that I should go out on loan or be sold to Birmingham.

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Top 4 is a possibility but only when we win games, not when we drop points. The more points dropped the less likely we are to make the Champions League. It's obvious, no? However, if the clubs considered our rivals drop points, its because they are suffering a slight dip in their projected form, and that form is evident when they win a single game - proving they have far more than us to sustain a challenge.



Next week: David Bentley goes in search for the dodo, "It's out there. I know it is".

Triffic Spurs Round-up

Good weekend? Just a week away now, and it all kicks off again. Another season of Tottenham. How many times will Harry say 'Triffic'? Will we tally up more than two points from the opening eight games? With all the hype on Man City and with people expecting Villa and Everton to continue their good form from last season, can we quietly sustain a challenge for a top 6 place without the usual over-hyped nonsense that drowns us by Christmas? Exciting times.

Before we look forward, here's a round-up of the latest bits and pieces:


Gareth Bale

So basically, AC Milan are interested in signing our jinxed left-back. His agent appears to be the only one doing the talking because I've seen nothing to suggest the player wants a move and I've yet to see a single quote from anyone involved with the Milan giants concerning a bid for our monkey-faced star. Just his agent, spouting out contradictory rubbish. On the one hand he states that no transfer has been talked about and then goes on to say that the figures circulating are correct. Right, so basically, nobody is or has discussed a transfer which means the figures being referred to are either the ones in his head or the ones that tabloids have estimated when covering this complete non-event of a story. Isn't Bale currently recovering from an op? Next.

Ashley Young

We are no longer interested in signing Young, so says Harry, who has given up because Villa simply won't sell and he'll cost a fair amount of wedge. Two good reasons I guess. Still, I can never quite trust our gaffer because it always seems like he's playing mind games, and not the subtle type either. The very fact he said what he said might be his way of deflecting attention back onto a possible transfer by suggesting it won't happen when his intentions is to try and force it back out into the open. Especially if you are inclined to believe Young wants to return to London.

Do we need a left-winger? I reckon it would be nice to have one and be able to mix it up a little with Modric pairing up with Palacios in the middle. Give us options and allows us to be a little less predictable depending on the opposition and how we plan to line-up offensively. £21M is apparently the price fee. Inexplicably, Real Madrid would part with Wesley Sneijder for a measly £16M.

Something…wrong…can't…work…it…out.

I guess if the £21M is a genuine estimation Villa have tagged Young with, its only because they think (hope) City would pay it. Sneijder has been linked with Villa, which has me scratching my head that if all of this was true, shouldn't we be the ones linked with the Dutch star? And how the English winger can be valued higher than the brilliant Wesley, leaves me dizzy with confusion. Back to reality, I doubt he'd ever consider a non-Champions League club. Such is modern day football.

Moussa Sissoko

Believe the hype or not to believe the hype? This kid is meant to be pretty bloody good. A player in the mould of Desailly, according to some. Strong, decent tackle (ooh) and has the type of drive and determination that would suit us perfectly - because we need players who lead by example. His passing isn't quite there yet, but he's young and he'll improve. Now, I've not seen that much of him and like most fans, when it comes to being linked with a player outside the Prem or in a league that you don't follow on a regular occurrence, you have to rely on others to give you the low-down. We tend to fall in love with some players when having little knowledge about them and then start to believe we need them more than the air we breathe and then feel completely empty if they don't sign (anyone remember the dramatics of the Diego transfer saga and the ITK's obsession with Dirk Kuyt?).

I'd like us to sign Sissoko because if Palacios is out injured or suspended, we can do with a player of almost equal standing (sorry Jamie). An understudy who can also give us extra steel in midfield. The main gripe, if you want to have a gripe, is that the above description of Sissoko is not too dis-similar to one you would use to describe General Wilson. So is he really the type of player we need as an answer to the 'we need one more CM to complete our squad depth' conundrum? Or should we be looking at his more Carrickesque team-mate Etienne Capoure? Looking at our current set of players, I'd say Sissoko is the better option, simply because he is similar to Palacios. Harry fancies Tommy Huddlestone and our quarterback looks like he will be getting a chance to prove his worth to the side - as an offensive CM. Along with the returning Kevin Prince Boateng who has a second chance to impress. And although I tend to believe that all the Patrick Vieira stories spouted by our manager are nothing more than distractions and disinformation, I do believe Harry wants to bring in a CM. Just as much as a LW. But from the looks of it, we'll only be getting one or the other.

Although considering Bentley and his latest tunnel sulk, there might be time to go back and test Martin O'Neill with a cheeky swap deal.

Olympiakos Friendly

No reason to read too much into this, much like any other pre-season friendly, other than to probably say our players look fit and sharp (and hopefully in mind as well as body) and the Greeks looked rather poor. All eyes on Bassong, who did well and will no doubt grow in stature when partnered alongside King of Woodgate. Heavy touch on occasion and a moment or two of stalling on the ball that could well be costly, but reading too much into his performance would be a knee-jerk too far. Bentley disappearing down the tunnel the other talking point. More on that in a moment.

No Woody, Daws, Bale or Jenas available for the game on Sunday. All out injured. Palacios and Hutton were both away on international duty. Hopefully Luka going off (with a foot knock) was more precautionary than anything.

Defoe looks to be up for it and impressively, so does Pav who displayed some neat touches and finished with confidence for his goal. All smiles on the Russians face, let's hope he takes the swagger into the season proper and proves the doubters wrong. Moddle and Lennon are obviously key to our attack, providing the type of swashbuckling that we love to see dazzle in Lilywhite.

Huddlestone was a little on the quiet side and Crouch was at the end of far too much of the route one. When Harry said he gives us another options, I hope this isn't the only other option. KPB looks to be back in with first team contention. Or maybe it was option rather than options, which might prove to be an issue months from now (fingers crossed it isn't). Keane, the kid Danny Rose and O'Hara were all OK, nothing special.

King was the King in his 45 mins cameo appearance and should be fit for 90 minutes against Liverpool, but a no-show in the following game against Hull in mid-week.

The one blip was David Bentley who looks to now be the quintessential outcast. The jigsaw piece that doesn't quite fit, presumably because it belongs to another set. It's a shame that most think he's over-rated and is a victim of his own ego, thanks to all the 'Next Beckham' hype that followed him from Blackburn to Spurs. The main problem (much like the Darren Bent) is - where does he actually fit into the Spurs team? Not the right-wing, because that belongs to Lennon. So can he play in CM? Doubtful as I don't think he has the combative skills to survive there and as he constantly attempts to do too much, he'll probably be steamrolled by any half-decent opposition. Behind the front two? Possibly, but it's not his natural position is it?

I don't mind Bentley and regardless of whatever personal issues he had last season, the fact is he has to start showing some grit and determination when selected for Spurs. One thing lacking is confidence. Still lacking. Which is frustrating for the player (hence the substitution and moody response to it) and frustrating for the fans. Because of expectations, it's easy to be fickle. But let's try not to be. It's unlikely he'll be sold on (unless something last minute involving Young occurs) so Bentley needs to dig deep and sort out his crossing and set-pieces and show some of the Becks spirit of never say die, rather than apologetically go out on whimper. I want him to succeed and I want him to do so at Spurs. But it's a paradox, because his best chance of doing so would be with him patrolling the right-wing. Lickle Aaron probably won't let him come anywhere near it.

Loans

Livermore has gone to Derby (which was expected after he posted about it on his Facebook). Talking of which, the club have apparently asked all the player to disclose all the online social networks they frequent and that a representative at Spurs has access to all accounts to make sure that nothing embarrassing (club related) is shared in the public domain. Bit of ITK I got over the weekend, but not sure how true this is and the fact that Woody's Twitter account disappeared soon after the Bent farce I get the impression Spurs have actually gone for a more zero tolerant attitude.

Newcastle are meant to be in discussions with us over a couple of loan deals for 'our kids'. dos Santos? Dervitte? Rose? Obika? Naughton? Hopefully it's not the latter because he looks good enough to mix it up in the top-flight. The rest can do with a loan spell and dos Santos (with his apparent disciplinary issue) can do with proving everyone wrong and save himself from a permanent transfer or sealing one. With Livermore gone, I'm hoping Bostock isn't a player we are looking at loaning out. Kid's got talent and he should be slowly introduced to first team action, in the Prem. With Adel already out at QPR, we need to have a least one 'kid with talent' eyeing the first eleven.

Bent still on course for Sunderland summit

Chatting to some Sunderland lads, it would seem the rumours of Robbie Keane being offered to Sunderland (a month or two back) are possible true - in that their ITK's are confirming the same thing ours are blabbering on about.

So whether there is any truth in the story suggesting that Keane is unhappy/only re-signed to save him from his Liverpool hell and help us out whilst Defoe was injured, on the promise of being sold in the summer.....phew, is something that we can only discuss as half-truths until we know better. We do love our conspiracy theories down here in N17.

As for Darren Bent, he's apparently keen on joining Sunderland and will be speaking to them this up and coming week (when he apparently returns from his hols). Spurs and Sunderland are almost at the point of agreement with the transfer fee. One of the Sunderland ITK's is well connected enough to say that Bent is interested in moving up to the Stadium of Light. Villa the only other interested party. We all know this is on the cards because far too many people have spoken about it - online and in the press. I bet it ends with an 'undisclosed fee' and Bent grabbing 20 goals for them next season.

As for Keane, we can only wait and see, but when offered, Quinn was not interested in accepting our generous gift that would come with a hefty asking price and a ripe old age.

Bale was also apparently offered to the Black Cats. Another rumour that the Spurs ITK's shared with us several weeks back. I'm hoping that part is not true.

Gareth Bales out of Spurs pre-season

Gareth Bale in all probability won't be fit for the start of next season. He faces a race to recover from knee surgery for a medial meniscal tear. Which means by the time he's back in full training, he'll be lagging behind for a place in the first team.

He's never had it great at Spurs.

Six months out with an ankle injury, comes into a Spurs side that is utterly shite and incapable of winning and has yet to taste victory in the Prem as a consequence leading to loss of confidence and keeping another victim of hard luck David Bentley (cough) company on the bench. He just doesn't get a look in, possibly because Harry doesn't rate him. But probably because there hasn't been much on offer since his arrival. If Gareth was in his late twenties, then I wouldn't expect Harry to be so patient.

The only positive out of all this is that we are unlikely to sell the kid now. Harry has to be paitent, all things taken into consideration, Bale is only 20 years old. There is no doubting he has talent. It's there, it's been hiding behind the footballing sofa except now it's having to lay on it, feet up with little to do but wait.

But as we've seen time and time again, it doesn't always come together at the first time of asking. In Gareth's case, it's all down to that first injury.

It's frustrating for all concerned.

His talent isn't quite defined, and coming to Spurs was meant to be the next step in his development to evolve into a more complete all round player. He's great coming forward, and arguably better at his offensive duties than his defensive ones.

Now he's back to square one, again. As long as he is not rushed back and starts playing in a winning side, then I'm certain he will be a success. Confidence breeds confidence which breeds smiles all round.

Talking of square one (or should that be ground zero?) Kevin Prince Boateng is back at Spurs having been told Dortmund can't afford to sign him. Which translated simply means he didn't do enough to impress the German club to sign him full time. It's difficult to gauge if KPB has anything in his locker to make it in the EPL, considering he failed to impress first time round. And tbh, I'd rather we push Adel Taraabt than the 'never won the German Young Player of the Year award no matter how many times the tabloids and broadsheets tell you he did' midfielder.

He's the perfect illustration of an unnecessary Comolli signing. Hyped potential, all tattoos and no substance. My advice to Levy and Harry? Lower your asking price.

Then again Harry did sign Kaboul when he was at Pompey, so never quite know what's in store...

It's a grand olde team to play for....that's us, and them too

Lack of blogging in the past couple of days thanks to a twenty-three year old bottle of rum.

So, onto Saturday afternoon. It’s Everton away and historically, we tend to collect points there. Might be a far trickier proposition for us due to various injury issues that will see us take the field without BAE (gutted as we all lose out on what would have been the the Battle of the Fro with Evertons Fellaini) and Lennon. Bent, Dawson, Zokora, O’Hara and Bentley are also sidelined (although Bentley isn’t exactly someone who has figured for us recently). Hutton might play, Gareth ‘never been on the winning side for Tottenham in a league match’ Bale is almost certain to slot into the left-back post for the first time in a while. Oh Noes! Bale! LOLZ!

Jinx? End it and reap the glory. We’d be entering open bus parade territory if we win with Gareth in the side.

Bostock, Parrett, Gilberto and Chimbonda are all present in the squad. Love to see Bostock on the bench. And would love to see Robbie Keane dropped. Ok, maybe not love, but like. Pav and Defoe up front please. JD is looking sharp, scored a perfectly legit goal last weekend against WBA so hoping he can link up with Pav who still has to prove the doubters wrong. Lay the ball off Roman, don't shoot!

As for Aaron, not having him in the side will allow us to see where the offensive outlet will come without his meancing runs. Over to Luka to conduct the creativity, as per usual....but with extra added responsibility.

Pascal’s inclusion leaves me numb. I’m still completely mystified by his lack of games. I thought as a signing he would cover various positions as a defensive utility player. Right-back, we know he can play, and centre-half and even left-back (although he’s not great there). Off the top of my head, I have no idea how many times he has played since his return. Has he been injured? Or sitting in Starbucks? Would prefer to see Hutton. He’s got some fire in his belly, that lad.

I hope we compete. I expect us to compete. Everton are no easy task, with their work rate ethics and Piccadilly Circus midfield. Wilson and Jenas will have to be on top of their game with the tackles and box to box running. This game will be won and lost in central midfield. And JJ will need to turn it on a little if we want to turn Wilsons hard graft into offensive pleasure.

Ooh I’m so insightful. If Shearer stays on at Newcastle, then I’m sticking my name in the hat for Match of the Day.

Spurs heading to Europe...

Obviously, I'm assuming JJ will start. We might see Huddlestone given an opp to ping balls around, although that would leave Wilson needing to do double the work to protect him. Might get a bit messy in centre-mid, and thinking about it, it's not the right type of game for Hudd. But then I'm not the guv. Talking of which...

Harry is talking us up pre-match, bless him. We need a win to remain realistic about Europe and if we do manage to steal all three points, then a victory at home to City might be enough to see us consolidate it. Probably not actually. Having had a quick gander at the other fixtures I don’t think we are in the driving seat, and winning the games we have left isn’t enough if the teams above match us. We need to hope they drop points and lose.

It’s nice to be using the calculator for some top half mathematics rather than spelling out RELEGATION in a game of hang-man down at the bottom. Thoughts and prayers with Boro and Newcastle.

And as for West Ham United not having a license to play in Europe, I’m sure come the hearing all be in order for Zola’s side. As funny as it would be to see them claim 7^th and fail to travel due to legal/financial reasons relating to paperwork I’m not sure this backdoor route would warrant a special DVD release of our ‘Great Escape’.

Back to the Everton game, I don’t think we should hold back. Harry has done an outstanding job since his arrival, and we’d have probably cemented 7^th a long time ago had we not experienced that lull of 4 successive away defeats. But what ifs aside, his points tally ratio does look promising for next season, as long as we buck the trend and begin the 2010 season well. Home form is looking good, but offensively needs to improve. Away form has improved, but needs further adjustments if we really do plan to launch some form of attack on the Top 5.

Everton, might not be pretty to look at, but they are effective and efficient and most importantly - consistent. One thing we need to avoid in the summer is over-bloating the team with superflous© signings. Just reel in the players that will improve us. Nothing more, nothing less.

Do it the Everton way. Just with a little more sexy flair.

So, with West Ham entertaining Liverpool, Fulham at home to Villa and City at Old Trafford on Sunday – if we win tomorrow, then it’s game on for Europe. But only if the three above us come unstuck. Lose and one of them win, the dream is over and next season we’ll have to turn no European competition into an advantage with consistent league form.

Whether you are pro-Europe or not, at least it’s giving some meaning to the final three games in a season that was practically meaningless after 5 games and then doomed after 8. Proper rollercoaster stuff. We live a charmed life us Spurs fans.

Never a dull moment.

COYS.

The Stupendous Adventures of Bale and Bentley

David: Alright Gareth.

Gareth: Alright David.

David: What you up too?

Gareth: Just combing my hair. You?

David: Push-ups. I combed my twice already this morning.

Gareth: Push-ups? Hair looks great by the way. What product you using?

David: The gaffer said I should concentrate on getting the basics right so I decided to give the star-jumps a rest. I’m using Quantum Sequence.

Gareth: How’s it working out?

David: Amazing. Weightless style, brings out the highlights and it’s got this zippy bounce when I run.

Gareth: No, not your hair. The push-ups.

David: I don’t know. Ok I guess.

Gareth: Sky Sports had you on yet?

David: No, not yet. Getting into camera shot when I’m practically laying on the floor…it’s tricky business.

Gareth: I can imagine.

David: So….

Gareth: So…

David: Anything planned for later?

Gareth: I’m seeing a witch doctor.

David: You need to stop going to Faces.

Gareth: I know. What about you? Anything planned?

David: I’m kicking a ball.

Gareth: From a roof into a skip?

David: No. Just kicking it. On the training field. Around the cones. Alone.

Gareth: Neat.

NEXT WEEK: Gareth and David feed a squirrel at the Lodge but disaster strikes when the little blighter chokes on a nut and David and the squirrel have to call emergency services.

RAUL: The pasta was over-cooked and Juande spilt wine on his shirt

Raul admits to Tottenham interest
Spurs almost sign Raul
How I almost joined Tottenham
Almost a Spur

You’d think we nearly signed him if you don’t look beyond the overly dramatic headlines. Fact is all Raul did was have lunch with Ramos (whilst still Spurs boss) along with Gines Carvajal who is agent to both. Raul claims that they called him to discuss English football, as he was interested in hearing Juandes experience of Tottenham and the Premier League. Apparently he likes the English game. Hidden away in some of these reports (not all) is another Raul quote about ‘interpretations’ relating to the fact that Ramos was then sacked by Spurs and appointed Madrid boss. Sounds like Raul/Carvajal are trying to dismiss more local rumours (back in Spain) about Raul tapping up the then Spurs boss.

Here’s a better headline for this story: Nothing to see here, please move along, slow-news day.

Elsewhere, Darko Lazovic has had a successful trial at Spurs, impressing in the past month. The 18-year old playmaker is currently at FK Borac Cacak and is valued at a lowly 500k (expect imminent £15M offer soon then). Reports suggest he will sign for us, even though nothing is directly mentioned other than the player saying he is in no rush to make a decision.

We don’t have the greatest track record at the minute when purchasing hyped kids. Gio, Adel, Kevin Prince Boateng – all have been bit part players in their time at Spurs. KPB has gone back to Germany on loan. Gio is nowhere near the first team squad and rumours continue to persist about a summer departure (almost joined Pompey back in January). And as for Adel……great talent (was buzzing on international duty for Morocco mid-week) needs development on decision making. Harry fancies him a bit and we’ll probably see a lot more of his magic feet in the coming weeks (play him from the start in the UEFA Cup rather than a late cameo appearance where he tries to hard to impress). As for Gareth Bale (another kid), he’ll reclaim his past form for us (he looks class for Wales) soon enough. He just needs to find the voodoo doll and remove the last few remaining pins.

edit: Adel isn't in the UEFA Cup squad. Gutted. We'll have to stick with the cameos until next season then.

As for Darko, sign him up if the kid is a genuine talent rather than hype. Sounds like he might have enough about him to knock on the first team door sooner rather than later. ComolliVision no longer a concern.

And Spurs are doing something right at the moment with the academy team who are exceptional (thanks to Alex Inglethorpe). As long as the experienced first teamers get it together, bringing the younger players into the fold won’t be so daunting and morale crushing. Maybe the likes of Gio and KPB (who was never a Young German Player of the Year no matter how many times the newspapers tell you) were the wrong type of signings for us.

Not much else to report on at the moment. International week followed by Cup weekend has bored me to tears. UEFA Cup? Oh yeah. Not sure you can count the Shakhtar Donetsk game as important. I always want Spurs to win. But I can’t say this weeks UEFA Cup first leg in the Ukraine is something I’m excited about. We can’t win the competition with so many players cup-tied (Corluka, Keane, Pavlyuchenko) and not risked (King) along with the fact that we’re a bit shit. Three points in the next league match is the only priority for us - that and Wembley, I guess.

I’ll be watching the game on Thursday hoping to see some of the ‘kids’ perhaps get a baptism of fire (not so daunting and moral crushing if we lose as Shakhtar are no mugs and there is little expectation for this game). Won’t lost any sleep if it goes pear-shaped. Hull, sandwiched between the two legs (ooh matron), is the one to win. Don’t see us risking too many players considering that winning at Wembley would also be quite nice. I could do with a smile. We could all do with a smile. Doesn’t mean the players who are selected to play in the Ukraine don’t give it 110%. Even if the game is not a priority, they should still aim to impress.

Cheeky 2-1 win then to us?

And finally, Roman Pavyluchenko is struggling to come to terms with the English language, women and food. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like he’s settled in just fine. Welcome to England. You’re one of us now.

Nice of you to turn up 45 minutes late

Carling Cup Semi-Final
Spurs 4 Burnley 1

Only Spurs can infuriate me this much. Woeful first half of football. Bale and Bentley were tragically bad and the team as a whole, shit. I'm not going to take a thing away from Burnley. They played tidy football, broke well and took their goal (gift) with confidence. The first half consisted of us playing what I like to call zombie football. I'm not talking about the fast moving Rage virus zombies from 28 Days Later or the Dawn of the Dead remake. There was nothing agile about our display. I'm talking about the zombies from the George A. Romero original. Slow us fuck. And unlike the zombies in that classic film, we lacked any kind of menace when in possession. It was, yes you've guessed it, inept®.

I can never figure out how the minds of Tottenham players work. If this was Arsenal at home, we'd be 100 miles per hour from the off. Instead, we allowed a Championship side (a good one at that) to dictate. It wasn't anything spectacular mind. They made one or two chances, but you could see they were not a real threat if....if we stepped up a gear. But as the half dragged on, the worse we got.

I don't want to start pointing my finger at Bentley again, but he was having a nightmare of a game. Much like most of his appearances for us. Everyone was lethargic and sleepy, and mis-hit passes and crosses (even Lennon was struggling) but Bentley was particularly bad. And Bale looked utterly lost.

There are two decent, very decent, players in there somewhere but it looks like it's going take a while to get them to smile and play well. If you need an irreverent back-heel flick, Bentleys your man, but anything that requires simplicity, no chance. Bale was a nervous mess.

Its all about confidence. There was a point in the first half that Bale could have taken the ball on and run into the penalty area. He didn't. That split second decision resulted in him playing the ball sideways. No belief there at the minute, because if he took it on and fucked it up, he'll get more moans and groans from the crowd, and too much thinking about the negatives eats away at players. Which is why Bentley is deep into Paul Robinson territory at the minute.

The way Eagles run through the two of them to set up Burnley's opener was embarrassingly easy.

Off went Bentley at half-time and on came Jamie O'Hara. Now Jamie will never be world-class. Or even good enough to play for the England first team. But he has bite and determination, even if he needs a couple of touches to control the ball. He gets stuck in. And thanks to the switch and the half-time bollocking, Spurs stepped it up. Why the overpaid gits couldn't muster this tempo in the first half is anyone's guess.

You're at home. Against opposition from a lower league. In a semi-final. FUCKING WELL SHOW US THE GULF IN CLASS. Ok, so they knocked out second-string Fulham, Arsenal and Chelsea sides. And they play pretty football. But be a sodding professional about it.

Incoming Jamie corner. Dawson meets it with his head. 1-1. Perfect script-writing. Livened up the fans a little. To be fair, we are never any good at home against lower-league opposition when it comes to singing/chanting. First half, our lack of noise shadowed the teams performance. Second half, with the change in effort on the pitch, inspired us to stand up and shake off the icicles to sing a song or two.

Five minutes later, Jamie manages to squirm the ball (well its more a case of the keeper allowing it to squirm) under his legs from a volley. 2-1. In the 65th it was 3-1, this time Pav driving the ball home after breezing way too easily past the Burnley defender. Goal in every round from the Russkie. 4-1, and it's practically done and dusted. Own goal this time.

If Zokora had 1% shooting ability he would have made it 5, but this being Zokora, the ball has yet to be retrieved from Glasgow city centre.

I'd say that's us at Wembley, but if Burnley come out all guns blazing and we play as badly as we did in the first half, they have every chance. But somehow, I can't see that happening. Would be daft to fuck it up that badly now.

Gio back on the bench today. Along with Adel and KPB - but none of them had a cameo. Which was a shame. No Ghaly. But expected this. Best to have him on the bench for Sunday and maybe bring him on then. Less of the boo-boys around at away games.

Special mentions: Defoe. Bit surreal to see him back. He has a right good chance to shine now that there is no longer a Berbatov or Keane at the club. Nigh impossible to break that partnership (which was arguably one of the best in the country). I think he'll work well upfront with Pav.

The Burnley fans right next to me in Block 42. Some decent banter going on, although one or two got a tad too serious with the abuse when the score was reversed in our favour. Unlike last year which was against Arsenal and it meant a lot for obvious reasons (failure to get there the season before), tonight I really felt it meant a lot more for the Burnley fans than it did for us. I guess it would considering their stature and lack of recent semi-finals. Our fans were a little casual tonight, along with the players. Thankfully just for the opening 45. I guess the Premiership is priority for all at the minute. January rescue package should see to that.

Anyways, slightly stronger team and more focused performance, and we could have overwhelmed them tonight. Instead, the team did its usual best to worry us silly.

Not good enough at the minute to even consider beating Utd in the final.

Team News

Not sure why I keep thinking Ronaldo is unavailable for Saturday. He'll play regardless of the alleged injury. The mind-games have began in earnest with Fergie initially announcing that Berbatov and Carrick are doubtful and face late fitness tests, but then suggesting Berba will definitely be available. Shocker to know. Don't know why managers bother with all this 'he might be injured' sillyness.

We've done the same thing with doubts cast over Modric and (I think) Pav. And of course King. I'm really into my research at the minute.

As for Gareth Bale? One hopes he gets stuck in traffic.

Do not deny the facts

He didn't play. We won.

End of.

Challenge Spurs™ - The Bale jinx must Go-mes

Challenge Spurs™ Series

Game 05 v (A) Fulham
2-1 Loss, 0 points
Total points: 12
Position: 19th
1 point from safety

I'm glad Harry Redknapp is still talking publicly about a 'relegation battle' as a reminder is needed for the players who decided to believe their own hype and take their eyes off the ball momentarily (figure of speech) to see us lose at Fulham. Yes, it was sort of expected that we would drop all 3 points there because traditionally that's exactly what happens, but I'm still disappointed that we didn't buck the trend a little. A draw and a few wins doesn't mean we are suddenly up and running because its fine giving it some against the likes of Arsenal and Liverpool, but its the bread and butter of the teams around us that need to be polished off with more intent and effort than Saturdays mediocre outing.

Bale played, we lost. Again. Poor lad needs to make an appearance when we are 3-0 up with 1 minute to go. Gomes, with yet another match-losing howler. Words escape me for the hilarity of the situation. A £9M legacy from the exceptional Comolli that will continue to haunt. Is Cesar not an option? This same scenario is reminiscent of the Paul Robinson saga which saw us keep the faith with him until no confidence or ability was left in him to do the basics right.

Drop him. Let him retain some kind of integrity as he re-builds his composure. Unless of course, what we see is what he does week in week out. Which in that case, let's just hope he doesn't cost us too many points before the Jan window re-opens. Arguably, on the flip side, he produced some amazing saves. Conundrum is our Gomes. As for Bale. Shocking again.

And the rest? Apart from maybe Modric (who left the field of play with an injury) the rest were average, making Fulham look far better than they actually are.

Onwards and upwards please.

DROP GARETH BALE

13 Prem appearances. 0 wins.

Bale is all smiles - but it's no laughing matter

He is jinxed. I beg the club to drop him from the side to end the curse. He's the anti-victory, personified.

Management need to drop Gareth to help Bale us out of the bottom three, and thus embrace three valuable points.

The stats do not lie.

Drop Bale to Win!