A Guide to Knee-jerking
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 at 10:39AM A Guide to Knee-jerking
Hello. Welcome to my Guide to Knee-Jerking, presented by my good self, Gareth Bale. As you know I play left-back and sometimes cameo in the left midfield position. I have beautiful hair, conditioned and shampooed every day and a cheeky Welsh smile as wide as the valleys back home. There's been plenty of confusion recently with regards to the form of my team, Tottenham, and our progress as we mount a Top 4 challenge, so to help you along, here's something I prepared so you can avoid confusion at the final whistle of games and be cool with your mates and impress them with your unbiased and insightful opinions on Spurs. Enjoy.
If we win well, then it’s a sure sign of certain progression and the 90 minutes in question stands as a true testament of our season ahead.
Lose, and the same logic applies in reverse, deeming us simply not good enough. Feel free to jump from one bandwagon to the next on a fortnightly basis dismissing your prior standpoint.
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It's perfectly fine for a player to sit at the top of the goal-scoring charts and be worshipped with much acclaim after a 5 goal haul, but remember - if he misses a few chances or perhaps even a penalty, it's unquestionable evidence that he's over-rated and one dimensional. I mean come on, five against Wigan? If we had Rasiak up front in that game, even he would have scored. Probably. Might have. Okay, maybe Rasiak isn't the best example there. Nico Claesen would have bagged six.
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Substitutions made by Harry Redknapp should only be cited if:
A) He doesn't make any substitutions, which is proof he has not got a clue how to change a game
B) He makes a sub and nothing in the game changes (meaning he made the wrong sub)
C) He makes a sub, but in hindsight, not at the right moment in the game, meaning he made the wrong sub
D) He makes a sub and we still lose, meaning he's responsible for the defeat
E) He makes a sub and that sub has a positive impact - the player gets the credit
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If Robbie Keane plays but doesn't score it's because he was otherwise engaged with all the hard work and running into deep positions to aid the teams structure with connecting the midfield with the attack and if he did not do this under-rated work, the side would not function properly. This is bollocks. Do not be fooled by this blatant propaganda. Running up and down the pitch doesn't constitute productive play. If he does not score, he has done nothing to warrant his place in the side. If he scores, he didn't mean it. I'm only joking Robbie. Everyone knows he was the one that made Berbatov look good.
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If Ledley King has an off-game, it's all the proof you need that he's finished and it's time for him to retire.
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Playing scrappy, with various players lacking decent form, but still managing to scrap a fortunate win is the true sign of resilience and mental strength.
Playing scrappy, with various players lacking decent form, but unluckily failing to scrap a fortunate win is the true sign that we're a team without resilience and mental strength.
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Huddlestone. Just have a dig at him so you're not left out of conversations. Make sure you get in the one about the QE2 and turning around slowly and your mates will be buying you drinks for the rest of the night. However, if he's scored one of those blistering volleys, he's top drawer and who needs mobility when you can score from distance, right?
If you're not a fan of his passing, it's because his passing range is nothing more than disguised long hoofing balls forward.
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Peter Crouch. It's totally his fault that most of the balls played up to him are high and in the air. He's tall ffs. What does he expect? Ball to feet? God created him like that for a reason, so stop confusing matters with your tidy quick feet Peter and try and head the ball for once rather than give away yet another free-kick.
Rubbish, just rubbish.
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Young players. If they don't play well or look out of sorts, get on their back! It's a common misconception, but the more you sigh and groan and slate them, the more chance they have of improving. Look at me. I'm improving all the time, even defeated my jinx recently and it's all because people keep saying that I should go out on loan or be sold to Birmingham.
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Top 4 is a possibility but only when we win games, not when we drop points. The more points dropped the less likely we are to make the Champions League. It's obvious, no? However, if the clubs considered our rivals drop points, its because they are suffering a slight dip in their projected form, and that form is evident when they win a single game - proving they have far more than us to sustain a challenge.
Next week: David Bentley goes in search for the dodo, "It's out there. I know it is".
Reader Comments (47)
Brilliant. Needed to be said...
When are you and teh trunk going to collaborate?
No it didn't. Harry Hotspur has said it all already & said it much better actually.
I also think he has copy-righted the word 'and' so I'd look at using something else there or you could have a claim on your hands.
I was going to congratulate you on another quality read Spooky, but I've already read this elsewhere this morning. ;-)
This is going to run and run and run..
Slow news day. My favourite blog day.
Even the West Ham fans are having a dig hahaha
Ha Ha, very true. We've all, and I'm guessing your poking fun at yourself here too, have been guilty of at least one of the above charges.
How dull life would be if we all saw, and commented, on the game exactly as it was played out.
Fellow knee-jerkers, I salute you.
Really good article. Robbie Keane. 'Nuff said. He just loves running.
I agree with everything you have written but I reserve the right to moan in the future - whats the point of being a Tottenham fan otherwise? Generally being happy with your lot, realism and valuing your manager belongs to clubs like Stoke and Crewe.
NB I reserve the right to copy the above and publish it in my blog Dear Mr Lee Cooper.
all have missed the obvious condemnation of the tree trunk striker that can doit all except score goals, an ideal foil for the hard working keane......
added to this the misguided spend of about millions to improve the squad - 10 million to Sheffield United for JEDWARD or someone like that...
Simon Cowell is clearly the best agent in the business, and maybee harrys daughter in law is pulling a few strings, i think that guy who lived with robbie williams could be a great summer signing.
Winners - Chelsea
2nd - Manchester blue
3rd - Manchester Red
makes 4th a toughie - Spurs or France me thinks.
Villa 6th
Pool 7th or maybee lower if the 2 players have a few more days off
If we didn't complain there'd be no discussion and post-match autopsy.
For the bandwagon jumping, shouldn't that be on a weekly basis?
Crouchie knee-jerk added.
Oops, get a grip ffs.
Hi, nice blog.
However, I have noted that you have overtly plagiarised my description of Wilson Palacios.
I noted on a 101 Great Goals post that WP had 'pounced like a panther' during last season's game against A*se.
You then used the term 'Panther' in this context in several of your blogs.
This episode of blatant intellectual property pilfering has now been passed on to my lawyers.
We are almost, not just yet, but almost halfway there. Will your FA cup be half full or will it be half empty?
Nicholas Hoares is Knee Jerking
Great post. You are quite right to point this out and I see myself as being very guilty of knee-jerking. Even so I actually think it's quite reasonable to toggle between hope and despair when it comes to Spurs in this campaign. We have a great side. Top level quality. But if you are honest with yourself you do see that we lack something and there have been several moments this year--at times in a matter of less than 10 minutes-- when you can detect an almost palpable sense of the players losing self-confidence. Perhaps you can blame that all on the knee-jerking fans but I don't buy that. We yiddoes seem to talk a lot about how we are wrongly not taken seriously and treated as though we are pretenders to the throne of the top 4 by the football media but, at least some of us know deep down that there is something true about this. If we are to remain in the top 4, the lads cannot have matches like the one against Everton. If we are to remain in the top 4 it's going to require more mental strength, players staying fit, Harry making the right moves and more than a little luck. I have faith but it's intermingled with doubt. Guilty as charged.
Nicholas,
Once again Spooky has stolen a word from a tired old Spurs blog in desperate need of a hit or two. I'm fairly sure that the word JERKING has been copyrighted by the only gay on the planet, but then the blogosphere is full of dirty Hoares stealing your best material.
to be honest, the collapse at everton was my fault. im not fit, and ive never won a premier league game.
I could help but read that out loud in a welsh valleys accent. Very funny, spooky
Is Harry Hotspur and Mr Levey one and the same person because H has gone of news now.And why have you left Davspurs of your blog he blames the fifth gear and the fact we play in fourth gear for the most used tactics HIGH TEMPO.Jodie Craddock his telling everyone they can shock spurs with this HIGH TEMPO. he could ne right but stoke and Everton and UTD reserves have already done this shock thing .We need Harry Hotspur and Mr Levey in defence to stop Fanny Craddock
Is that you Dav?
the ups and downs of spurs ,subject to the prevailing wind are ages old.its part of being a supporter.the gates tell it all full house nearly every game.as the old saying goes,the proof of the pudding is in the eating.a football reporter nearly went delirious over the talent we can afford to leave on the bench.namely(wait for it)bentley,roman,and keane.would a enterprising bookmaker please,please open a book on these players still being at spurs at the end of the window.heres my money.
http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8652_5757770,00.html
I dont know whether to laugh or cry at this ballshit!
As ridiculous a it may seem at first, any one of those might actually be applicable at the end of a Spurs weekend in the league. I'm only interested in one bandwagon, the "I always knew it would be our year" when we finally make the CL/win the FA Cup/win any cup/are closer to the top than the bottom come May.
What's the 365 story about (blocked at work)?
Pavlyuchenko to Arsenal.
Sounds like wank to me.
Pav t oArsenal.
I think his agent is on drugs.
I think its outrageous that I'm still having to post on this blog at 4.00 because there has been so little in the way of rumours or player bashing today. I propose that we set up Dav (aka Northwestcockerel - I think there may be another alias too, so that he can entertain us with tales of flushed cheeks and weight loss (sex normally does it for me). On the subject of plagirism, who was first responsible for Sergeant Wilson? If noone else has taken credit, can all royalties be sent to me for the oft used word?
Sorry if this is off topic, but GDS scored 2 in a friendly today and Ledley limped off before half time.
We currently have 2 fit centre-halfs, plus Thud and Charlie in an emergency.
The rush of games over xmas/ new year could be difficult.
Pav to Goons, Arshavin to us ?
Shit, I havn't insulted anyone. Sorry!
My favourite knee-jerk is the "bring back Taraabt" whine usually spewed out in response to our four international strikers somehow managing not to score and him knocking one in against Preston.
Another gem, courtesy of the chap who sits next to me at the Lane, was that we lost to Stoke because our full backs should've scored. Always a reliable source of match winning goals, fullbacks.
DAVID, that's two more centre backs than Utd got at the moment. Don't worry about it.
Hi Newseason,
Saw Taarabt running up cul-de-sacs for QPR last night. He is as infuriating as ever and I doubt we will see him playing for us again. Hope GDS does not go the same way.
Watching Bassong on Saturday made me realise how difficult it will be to fully replace Ledley. Thats not intended as a slight on Bassong, just a comment on Ledleys abilities. Pure class!
United won with no recognised centre backs and 1 defender. That will teach me to bet against them..
Next game, Lennon and Modric as our central defensive partnership.Danny Rose in goal.
I'm onto something here.
Time for medication.
SORRY, FOR POST ABOVE DELETE NEWSEASON AND REPLACE WITH NEXT SEASON.
NEED THOSE DRUGS MORE THAN I REALISED!
HH says foolatooks are down on Luka skywalkers. never seen such, not here anyway, maybe mad its taking long. would expect our best player to be back till maybe a sub in manc and maybe(absolutely fantastically) a start against blackburn.
HOOORRRAY
wear my croat jersey all week.
latas
Just - finally - wanted to let it be known that I - The I in person - is a somewhat slow but very loyal and thankful reader of the opinions in this blog, the vast majority of them offered in superb style by spooky. Thank you, spooky!
The worry is that the above is not exhuastive, you can still add 'GDS deserves to get a start' along with the 'recall Taraabt' chants.
Maybe my problem is that I don't knee-jerk enough, I see long term, and the 'we'll find out come may' more easy to rationalise, as well as the old 'form is temporary, class is permanent' arguemnt.
ps. I still rate Thudd, he's class, and his 'alleged slowness' is deceptive (mostly due to a certain headless chicken who is touted as his replacement). Just for the record, you know, in case I hadn't made it clear before.
that's quite a shocking post scriptum there Tricky , i always took you for one of the few JJ believers , a rare and dying breed
have you seen the first few seconds of the latest from 'Teh Trunk':
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuEmR1T95B4
I think you have the answer, and a few lol's along the way. (I even like the Hudd portrayal!)
dropping points,where we shouldnt.then in january essotto goes to the african competition.hutton is supposed to leave,so where does that leave us?up the kyhber without a boat.hutton is a good fullback,his off the field actions bring him no credit.we do need him.only kyle naughton,highly rated is waiting in the wings.only arry knows if this talented youngster can fill in.bale 100%is not the answer.bales only position is left wing and nowhere else.january is our make or break month.will another season go by with mid table position being our only success.the arry haters will climb out of their holes,to cries of told you so.arry dont give them the satisfaction.
how to squeeze blood from a stone(spurs style).do away with your reserve side,by sending them out to different clubs ,who will pay some or all their wages.(its also much more competative than reserve football.)say your not selling players in the window.this saves paying players a percentage of their fees.put them on the bench and after a time ,they ask for a transfer.no percentage to pay.good cash flow and without breaking any ethics or laws.welcome to modern football.
it looks like the sandro transfer is not on.if it was he would have had pre contract and spurs would have said"we are waiting on a medical and a work permit.this could have happened on first january.it didnt.essotto refused to play for his country because bassong wasnt selected.tripe?he was injured so could never had the option to say such a thing.micah richards to spurs.to play where?we have two above average backs(we know charlie is slow)so was alf ramsey.look i see a dodo in the sky.welcome the silly season has begun.
poor, poor portsmouth.we have a connection thru arry and some of our players.when you buy a football club or any business,there is a term called due diligence.this ensures that the buyer and the seller know the financial obligations.where was the football authorities to make sure that the previous 2 owners had the capital to buy the club.its not fair on their supporters,that in this regard ,they failed.the club is in dire trouble that is not of its makeing.
every time a window opens and spurs are supposed to be looking for striker,the cry goes up hes injury prone.to me there are 2 types of strikers.1, the type that goes in where angels fear to tread.thats among flying legs,elbows and studs to mention a few obstacles.these are the players that get called "injury prone"2.the others are the greaves and defoe types who find space and shoot as soon as possible.one of the greats of the "injury prone"was dennis law,who had to retire early from football.(one of footballs greatest players.)injurys to the first type go with the territory.they are also 100% in their pressure on a defense.applaud them ,dont moan.they are the salt of the earth.would you moan about ledley for all the joy and priviledge hes given us all.hes also paid a price for his commitment.
cant see cole signing for spurs.a top class player but,his wages would put him at the top of the wage scale.also dont think chelsea would sell to spurs after haveing to pay millions of compensation for arnesen.still have feeling kenwyne to spurs,but its only a hunch.
why the hutton transfer to sunderland wont come off.we are trying hard to qualify for europe.both kyles have gone back to sheffield on loan,essotto is injured.we have no cover for charley if hutton goes.there is as much chance of hutton going at this time as arry selling icecream from a van in balls pond road.