Keane, 3-3-1-3 and Lily Allen's legs

Afternoon.

Hands up if you're completely sick of all the images of happy joyful faces and ecstatic celebrations, dancing in the streets and the tearful singing that is constantly being played back on our television sets and printed in our newspapers? What an escape, hey?

The pesky High Court. Had to go ruin my day.

Elsewhere, and still off-topic, I'm left scratching my head how Karl Pilkington, without fail, always manages to get reception on his iphone4 - even in the middle of a desert. Oh wait, of course he gets reception, it's magic. Praise Steve Jobs. It's a working antenna abroad.

Yep. This is going to be a mess of a blog post. Enjoy.

If I'm honest, I'm really struggling at the moment to wrap my thoughts around this weekend (International Break fatigue) and the away trip to Fulham. Might have something to do with this head cold that is slowly but surely eating away at my concentration. I feel lethargic. Out of sorts. Completely lacking inspiration and focus. Hey, I'm Robbie Keane. Alas sadly, I don't even possess the energy to lift my hands up in the air and wave them around at great speed, shouting random indistinguishable Orish at anyone who dares look in my direction. Hey, I'm still Robbie Keane. Someone take me out back.

On the subject (might as well pretend this article has a point to it), for the person who called me a two-faced ungrateful fickle **** for turning my back on Keano - here's my response. I haven't turned my back. He turned his back on us. But this isn't about juvenile bitterness. Look, honestly hand on heart, he was my 'favourite' (hate that word) player at Spurs leading up and during the Berba era (that stunning one season). He was annoying at times what with his inability to convert one-on-one's where he was required to think or his unnecessary flicks and holding onto the ball for far too long types of high jinxs. But no doubting his goal-scoring record and the impact he had. He was not a world-class great player, but rather an outstanding Premier League player.

Whether his Anfield experience proved he wasn't that great actually other than being a perfect fit for Tottenham and nothing more - it's all pretty much redundant now. He lost the mojo that made him so productive for us in the past, and he came back out of desperation (paralleled by our desperation) half a player, less than half the player he was. I'm not dismissing or forgetting what he did for us prior to him joining one of his boyhood clubs. Just that it's all a bit tainted love now. It's like this Robbie Keane isn't the same person, so I don't feel guilty for not caring too much about the current version. Harsh? Perhaps. But it's nothing to do with being fickle. It's everything to do with wanting to move onto better things. Which is what Mr Keane thought we was doing by joining the Rafa revolution.

What else can I muse about?

My dad's birthday this Saturday. My kid bro is going to the Fulham game and I have to accompany the ball and chain and baby to the family mansion for food and drinks. Which is disappointing, from a selfish self-centred footballing blogging perspective as I won't be able to cover the game with minute-by-minute commentary. Which was the plan. I'll have to kick that off in mid-week when we play Inter. If I'm not lost in self-pity with man-flu, crying for soup, an extra-fluffy pillow and angels to gently, seductively sing 'Oh when the Spurs…' in my ears.

How about a half-arsed attempt at a Spurs/Fulham Preview? I can only muster up a preview of a preview, so that will have to do. 

I was thinking about Football Manager 2011 and tactics because I'm a fantasist. Spurs will be a joy to manage in the game what with Bale, Modric, vdV to name a few of our highly rated in-game players. Will probably look to sign Edin Dzeko as my forward. I'm thinking 3-3-1-3 formation (ala Marcelo Bielsa's Chile and formally and unsuccessfully at a World Cup gone by with Argentina). Attacking formation, pressing of opposition, high up pitch defensive positioning with masses of emphasis on the flanks.

So that would be a diamondesque:

(k) Gomes
(3) Corluka King Dawson (or Hutton/Kaboul King BAE) or whatever combo best suits the occasion
(3) Modric Sandro Huddlestone (on studded engine-powered roller-skate football boots)
(1) van der Vaart
(3) Bale Defoe/Dzeko Lennon

So that's three at the back, Sandro just ahead of them with Moddle and Huddlestone (neither central or left/right-centric) just behind a central vdV and then Bale and Azza in forward flank positions and Defoe or Dzeko up front. The formation would rely heavily on movement and fitness. Would no doubt decimate Fulham four or five nil if I hack the game using an editor and boost the players strength and stamina stats so they don't fade after the 70th minute mark. Wouldn't quite work in the real world, would it? A man can dream. Or perhaps with the aid of sleep deprivation, hallucinate.

Real life, the bane of my existence. 3-3-1-3 only in my head.  In football everything is complicated by the presence of the other team, so said Sartre. How right he was. Unless DAVSPURS is allowed to prep-talk post match and hand out drinks to the players. I'm pretty much certain all this ephedrine conspiracy talk is a cover-up for his demand and supply business.

And on the subject of reality, I'd be happy with an almost traditional 4-4-2 on Saturday, with perhaps vdV playing just off Crouch/Pav. For me, I just want us to play the strongest team possible (well, apart from King who will be required for damage limitation in the San Siro). Write off Inter away. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Inter away is the game where most would expect us to come away with nothing and many reckon we're going to get spanked. Prioritise the Fulham match and go to Italy and just play without pressure as expectancy should not weigh us down there, considering the odds will be stacked heavily against us. You never know, football. Funny. Old. Game.

On the subject of Fulham, I haven't mentioned Lily Allen for a long long time. What's with her long running obsession with over-sized heels that make her look like she has short stumpy legs? Or does she have short stumpy legs and the shoes make her look even more stumpy? It's like someone with a massive head wearing a massive top hat in an ill-fated attempt to deflect attention away from the massive head, but people still point and say, 'oh look, it's that bloke with a massive head and he's wearing a massive top hat, what a w*nker'.

Glastonbury Allen was far more appealing than the I'm in a Professor Green video singing just the chorus surrounded by tall fit beautiful women whilst I chav around wearing a giants patent shoes Allen. Glastonbury Allen was very Natasha Khan-ish. Which is ace in my book of stalk.

Okay, I know, she's (Allen) preggers at the moment, but I'm all about the pre-bump photos. So here's a thought Lily, stop ordering your foot-wear on-line and actually get to try them on in a shop before you throw your money away. A weapon of massive consumption indeed.

Let's end this. Bones now aching. Head beginning to spin. Gut churning. Need drugs of a legal nature to help breathe some life into my pale black bags under my eyes face.

Thoughts and prayers etc. Hold off the minutes silence.

Back from deaths door soon.

LDN Derby Match Preview: Fulham v Spurs – It’s all about the Lily...whites

It's almost Christmas. I can taste it in the air. The cold bitter mornings, the flurries of snow. Bright lights in the high street. Carol singers. Last minute shopping. All the traditional sights and sounds surrounding us all. And let's not be forgetting the turkey. The Christmas turkey. Well that's not quite with us just yet. It's usually dished out by Spurs when we work out Santa won't be the one delivering us the one present we dream of. Three points. You don't get to ask for that. You get given it if deserved. Charity begins at home. Or in this case 'away'.

Fulham away

It's Fulham, all-conquering Zamora-raging Fulham, on Boxing Day. I like Craven Cottage. It's pretty much a decent away day, mainly because of the amount of fans we take there and the locality of the ground and the neighbouring pubs. Their fans are decent folk too. Although that Lily Allen scares me. You know what I'm talking about. With her menacing eye-liner stare and rock'n'roll cigarette smoking. The way she struts around, nipple on show. She's unnerving. And as for her lyrics, they bite their way through societies ills with a touch of satire. She's a high maintenance  woman with plenty of verbal punch that seems to bring out all my insecurities concerning strong-willed women. She's sort of scary but not really. Much like Roy Hodgson's side. Not the showing of nipples (does Bobby have nice tits?) but the 'bringing out insecurities' bit. We sort of get stage fright at the Cottage, when we shouldn't really. Much like I did when I met Lily. Well, actually, technically speaking I didn't meet her per say. I saw her. From a distance. I was sort of walking towards the same place as she was but further back than she was and she didn't see me. Okay, so I was following her home. Some might argue this is considered stalking. And some might agree with this argument. But like I explained to the police officer at the time, it's a free country and I happen to be walking in the same direction as a celebrity and at the same time but at a far slower pace. A mere coincidence I assured him.

We need to go to Fulham, with respect for their form, but also not to be afraid to take the game to them. Have a right go. Do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't mind having a crack at them. At her. I mean I wouldn't mind having her crack...a crack…a crack at Lily Allen. I fancy her in that, 'damn I really hope you look like those GQ pictures in real life' kinda way. Which you sort of did from behind but the clothes you were wearing were a little baggy so it was hard to know if you've been photo-shopped extensively in those glossy mag pictures.

Okay. Right. I'm sorry. I'm losing my way a little. Medication wears off a little too quickly nowadays. And the monitor glare always seems to induce hallucinations. I'm okay. I'm sweating, but I'm fine.

Back on topic. Without the sub plots.

Fighting the trend

As mentioned, we don't much like it there (Fulham away), usually preferring to surrender fairly quickly and let the home side boss and dictate the midfield. We can be distinctively average at Craven Cottage. This being a post-Christmas clash is doubly worrying just because, well I don't know why. I guess I'm living in the past again. Because on current form - as far as we are concerned - we can handle ourselves just fine on our travels. So perhaps there is no need to knee-jerk before the game has even been played out.

The crux of it is, we tend to always fool ourselves into thinking we'll cope with them and yet fail to do so. That 4-0 FA Cup win is the type of repeat performance we can do with. And end this annoyance once and for all. We are decent away from home (repeated again just to drum home the point to myself). So we need to be confident going into this one.

Awesome Dawson

It's going to be won/lost in midfield. Obviously up to Dawson and Bassong (not going to the ANC - not great for him, great for us) to handle 'destroyer of bloggers' Bobby Zamora, rather than allow him to bully our back line, much like he did to King and Woodgate last time out. There was some of that naivety, inexperience away to Everton when the back-line sort of went from steel to jelly. No commanding presence. I noted how Dawson - even though he's 26 years young - has not had a consistent run over a period of seasons, rather bit parts here and there. But with every game, he is handling the responsibility of being the captain with much deserved acclaim. Dare I say, he's vocal? Don't whisper it, shout it. About time we had someone in there screaming out to players, encouraging and organising. He might not be a Ledley King in terms of the three 'C's (cool calm control) but he's still bloody fantastic. A proper honest down to earth hard working footballer who is not that bad of a player and has no qualms about rolling up his sleeves and getting dirty. He puts himself in there. He's got a bit of Tottenham in him. And one day so will Lily.

He could save us a few bob in the transfer market if he continues to impress in this fashion. I'm hearing 'Upson' get mentioned once too often in recent days and for whatever price is being tagged on him, I say 'no'. Change of tune here. We might just be alright at the back if Harry shows continued faith in our boy Daws. As for the Sunderland rumour. Do one. Lazy hacks.

Tactics

As for Fulham. Duff, Murphy and Dempsey will pose a threat so we need Wilson to enforce and protect and break-up play and Huddlestone (stats wise, he's in the top 5 best midfielders in the country for pass completion and apparently has more interceptions than Palacios - WOW) to work hard making sure there is no separation of partnership and no over-running done by the opposition. Yes, I said Hudd has to work hard. Which might mean we see Jenas play. I'm like a broken record with this. Every match preview, I ask if Hudd is suited for the next game and if there's a suspicion he might struggle then I suggest that the opposite of Tommy (high energy) has to be the resolution. Who would you have? Is there even a difference? I'd say there is and that Huddlestone offers more. Although when he is found lost in the mix, he can become redundant pretty quickly. Jenasesque almost. Or perhaps not. Perhaps its time to shut the fuck up about Hudd and take note of what he does on pitch.

I'm actually unable to decide on this midfield conundrum. Huddlestone starts every game. As much as some of us stand with thumbs pointing downwards, he must be doing something right to retain his place (check out the opta stats on the Sky Sports site). And as much as we'd like to believe Palacios does all the hard grafting, Tommy does get involved. The problem is the balance of that partnership is perhaps a little lopsided at the moment.

Same question for Crouch/Keane. Peter of Clancy could cause them some trouble, climbing all over their centre-backs, fouling them to his heart’s content. Scored two at Blackburn, so unless Harry uses his rotation excuse, he'll remain in the starting line-up. He can't really be dropped, not if Keane is still being punished for his Orish indiscretions. Which isn't the case at all. He's on the bench because he's not been very good. But don't be telling the hacks that because their back pages will dry up.

Conclusion

You know, re-thinking this, in the way of tactics or even a player-to-player comparison with the Fulham lads - its probably completely unnecessary. Not in the way of menacing disrespect. They are a plucky side, a decent one. But more the case that we - Spurs - are more than capable of going there and winning. We have the quality and we've shown the heart. Rather than take it for granted, all that Harry has to acquire from the players is yet more backbone and intent. And we've done that in practically all of our away games so far. So it's not so much as expecting the win but knowing, deep down, we are more than capable of doing so if the application is there.

I say, go forth and attack.

If the defence remain alert and Palacios/whomever fight for every ball then the likes of Lennon and Kranjcar will have time to do their usual hurting of the opposition. Basic football 101. Play as a unit, for each other, and play to our strengths. Going to Fulham on the back foot would be an embarrassment. Going there and limply rolling over and getting tickled would be humiliating.

As a way of comparison, watch how the Fulham players take the game to us on the day. They will not rest on their laurels or the glory of their recently released club DVD celebrating their 3-0 thrashing of Man Utd (they did release a DVD, right?).

We have to create hype rather than believe it.

That's almost it folks. One more blog (possibly) to come before Xmas and then I'll be back in front of a pc on Monday 28th Jan looking forward to 2010, West Ham at home and a month’s worth of detox. Have a wonderful Christmas. Hope Santa unloads his sack with everything you could ever wish for. And perhaps this time next year I'll be unloading my own sack when I finally get Lily alone.

Or from afar. With binoculars. Same difference. The end result is always going to be the same. I'll eat pizza and fall asleep.