The money shot that never came

Spurs 0 West Ham 0

It would be easy to tag our attack with the label clearly stating ‘limp’ in big bold capitals. I’d rather not be that obvious. In this instance, I’d prefer to compare Spurs with a male porn star filming on set in LA (or Florida if you prefer) able to sustain wood for a prolonged period even with the countless stoppages and artistic direction. At no point faltering and no flaccid moments to bring filming to a stop. Limp? Hardly, much like Spurs, especially in terms of our effortless movement and offensive intent.

Now the analogy has to be stretched here a little.

The porn star scores several times during the duration of production. But there is only the one money shot. In Tottenham’s case, for all our hard work and poking around it’s not half as fun for us if we get to the end and there’s no shuddering climax. It would be akin to the porn star failing to deliver the most important act of his working day. It would deem everything that built up to that moment as a rather redundant and pointless exercise, for him personally. It will cause on set friction of a different kind.

On Saturday, Spurs resembled that hassled, overly eager and ultimately despairing porn star unable to fulfil and complete the work he's been paid to do. Plenty of swagger and winks to the camera. But no closure. No lingering camera shot and fade out. At White Hart Lane it felt like a session with the fluffer post lights camera action rather than on-set sweating under the lights. It lacked the required relief and that outpouring sigh of ecstasy.

Now if this was a porn movie, someone else would walk onto set and take the role of delivering said money shot, in the knowledge that expert editing in the studio later that day will make it all look seamless. Sadly there is no such cameo to facilitate into this disturbing analysis at this point of the match review. Equally so, if you’re going to ask who West Ham would be in this fantasy, I’d probably opt for Belladonna. Not particularly good looking and usually resembling a complete mess by the end of it, on this occasion frustrating the leading man and the viewers that prefer not to witness a sadistic fetish involving no penetration.

0-0. No money shot. And no satisfaction when the credits roll.

I recently said we could not afford to drop any more home points. Oops. We lost our buffer when losing to Blackpool and drawing at Wolves – meaning that when we play the likes of Chelsea and City and Arsenal (Liverpool too) – these will be must win games. If you look at the table, City are not that far ahead of us (closer thanks to their loss at Stamford Bridge). It’s not impossible, just that we’ve lost plenty of points that would have gone a long way in aiding the fight for fourth. But alas, our way remains the hardest way. As per usual.

There were plenty of positives along with one or two moments of despondent shrugs and waving of hands in disbelief. The perfect illustration of so near and yet so far. It almost resembled the template of game we experienced at the start of the campaign against City. A massive dollop of possession and some guilt edged chances along with unwanted appearances from the woodwork and in-form opposition keeper.

What went wrong this time?

We lined up with a formation that was hardly necessary considering this was at the Lane and against West Ham United (with no disrespect to the East Londoners). No need to over complicate matters with one up top when two would have worked fine. Not that we struggled to get into goal scoring positions. Even with van der Vaart deeper than Linda Lovelace*. Unless you believe that was part of the strategy to dominate the midfield.

*yes, I’ve done that joke before, but felt it relevant enough to spit out once more

For all our wonderful to look at passing and possession, shifting play from left to right, attacking the channels and playing through the middle – it was balanced out with heads turning away in disbelief. Thirty one attempted shots at goal. That’s a lot of head turning.

Defoe was unlucky today. I felt that he only needed a further forty-seven shots on goal himself before finding the net. Two things here, condolences for his very recent loss. It’s a tricky one to gauge with regards to his concentration and composure being completely in synch with the game and not disturbed (even ever so slightly) with off field matters. He had no problem wearing his ‘100’ t-shirt underneath his Lilywhite colours which will need a spin wash before the next game. I'd hazard a guess that his head was in the game. His feet however were not. I won’t dwell on this too much longer other than to say: he should have scored. The Lennon effort off the woodwork the prominent miss. His other goal-sight fluffs seemed to lack the belief of his brace at Wolves.

Modric was his usual class act self. Covers so much ground and is practically involved in everything. His passing is majestic and his movement irresistible. Scott Parker was West Ham’s bright spark, a Jermaine Jenas with a sat nav. Bale still requires another game or two before he’s back at full pelt. Let’s hope International Break does not strike him down. van der Vaart should not have played. He’s not fit and as cited, this was a game that could have done with a more traditional set-up in formation. Rafa seemed to morph into a dizzy Robbie Keane, lost in the midst of midfield with no apparent link-up play with the single forward. The mechanics here needed oiling. The engineer out to lunch.

I was happy with the rest. Gomes alert and Sandro bruising and brilliant. Although Corluka seemed to struggle with a nosebleed the further up the field he travelled which saw some dizzying mis-placed passes.

Lack of cutting ruthless edge in front of goal our bane once more. In a season where most of the top sides are struggling with their demons, it’s worth highlighting that we’re not doing that much wrong. Other than perhaps making it far more difficult for ourselves in the long term by not pulling that trigger against opposition that we should be beating. Nobody in terms of assured quality from the back to the front is taking the league by the scruff of the neck. Hopefully we don’t come off fifth best in this wacky race.

Dawson, Lennon, Defoe, Bale, couple of Modric shots – all efforts that left you scratching your head mumbling ‘one of those days’ a cliché you just knew would rear its head in the post-match interviews. Harry made some fundamental mistakes in selection. But regardless, he can hardly remote control the players once they're out on the pitch.

It was still a cracking game, for the neutral. And City fans. And even easy on the eye for us, mostly. And let’s not pretend that West Ham didn’t have a chance to steal it. That’s a West Ham team that would have gladly taken a point at the start of play. That's how they set themselves up. They held it together, rode their luck, failed to take their chances but never allowed themselves to be over-run. They retained discipline. Relegation fodder? Not on this form. We'll never know how they'd have reacted if we managed to score. Shame we didn't win, what with City losing on Sunday. A point gained then?

Let’s conclude with a positive. Our football has rediscovered it's free-flowing form and we’re looking creative again. Bad luck and bad finishing the spoiler. That’s a negative, isn’t it? I’ve actually finished on a negative. Sorry. I did try not to.

I will therefore end on the porn star analogy that began this match report. What with us failing to deliver the money shot, we could have facilitated and edited things a little by introducing a smouldering cameo Croatian from the watching flank for that final necessary jolt and essential conclusion to the story arc rather than sticking with pizza delivery boys who forgot the mayo. Sadly, the director ignored this possible saving grace and will probably need to add CGI to make amends. Don’t expect to find the DVD on any top shelf any time soon.

Forward thinking should not hold us back

With the transfer window now a distant memory along with the additional depressing low ebb that consumed us in the aftermath, what with Jim White’s head failing to fully explode in decapitating HD, how best to look back with the aid of hindsight and pose the question: Could we have done better in our endeavours had we bulked up our forward line with far more assured and proven quality?

I think, probably not. I know, I know, considering I was spitting blood for an injection of the world class to lead our march forwards in Europe and our gleeful skip and trip domestically. The first apparent flaw is that for all the hype and stories at the time, there was no definitive true target. Even the players the club might have pencilled in as possibilities were not (looking back at it all) the type of players we perhaps should have been flirting with. Forlan has hardly been in inspired form this season and his price tag is perhaps too steep for his age.

The other targets appeared like after thoughts and misinformation disguised as apparent bids and keen interest. Which the club might have allowed the media to play out to make us look busy, a suspicion you could easily agree with when you delve deeper into the supposed bids for half of La Liga’s strikers when the reality was, at least in the case of Sergio Agüero, that football politics at Atlético Madrid was the main reason behind the story unfolding in the manner it did.

Roman Pavlyuchenko was once upon a time meant to be the answer, out of desperation from the failure to grab some Arsh(avin) from Zenit. Looking at how that one panned out (the Russians wanted £20M in the end having over-stepped the mark countless times during negotiations asking for more each time) with the player finally going to Arsenal for a snip and hardly proving to be the dynamic tongue show-off he was expected to be – I’d say lucky escape.

That’s lucky until you count the pennies spent on Roman who spent the first year tired and struggling with his English and every year since playing the role of the cameo. And still struggling with the English. Hardly worth the £14M in terms of how we’ve (not) implemented him into the side. The white Darren Bent. Scores goals, actually scores far better goals technique wise that Bent, but doesn’t play consistently enough for us to truly know just how good he could be. Did score important goals last season. An expensive super-sub, hardly the answer.

When you do look back, it appears to hurt less now that we failed to sign a forward back then when we were quite obviously not one hundred percent in love with one. Other targets were hardly fitting into the required template. We have a template, right?

Luis Suarez wasn’t quite the type of footballer we needed when we were looking for a striker rather than a partner for a striker. Although with the way we play (ideally with vdV pushing up into the pen area) you could say players like Suarez and Agüero would complement our style. Complete clever crafty inter-linking with the forward running midfielders. But then again, we play with width mostly and simply want a player that can knock’em into the onion bag without a seconds thought.

Yeah, so no template.

Andy Carroll, I fancied a bit and is a candidate for the one player that the club might have wanted above and beyond all others. Love or lust for Andy? He's sort of old school Bobby Smith battering ram with ponytail. Direct, touch of skill, but plenty of physicality. Can shoot, can get on the end of a cross and can head. Questionable balance, but thankfully no bar stools out on the pitch at the Lane. Questionable transfer price too. I cite Kenwyne Jones as evidence. The Trinidadian Andy Carroll. £20M Sunderland wanted for him. Now if we’re talking lucky escapes that’s a peach. But something tells me Carroll won't disappoint disappear and end up at a lower level side.

I’m not suggesting taking a risk is the wrong thing to do. Considering we usually just splash the money out without thought (Bentley anyone?). Some of our risks have been stunning with success. Modric and Berbatov in the season he used us to display all his worth to Ferguson. I’m not sure what I’m suggesting. Other than perhaps some type of tangible focus on the exact ilk of forward we actually want/need that can adapt to perhaps playing up front on his own or as one part of two.

A Lineker. A Greaves. A Bobby Smith. A Klinsmann.

Brilliant players who would fit into any side with minimal fuss simply because of the talent they possess.

Okay, so we’re screwed. But if our scouts can find a composed unfazed kid like Sandro for our midfield (be it a kid that has experience in the robust Copa Libertadores de América) then surely we can find a hungry marksman that can spearhead the swashbuckle?

This doesn't need to be complicated, yet somehow it is.

The players I cited are obviously all Spurs legends. All different in their manner and footballing style but all the same when in front of goal: Ruthless. And all sadly unavailable.

The new Berbatov was quite obviously Dzeko if you wish to compare goal scoring antics in the Bundesliga. Neither were unknown commodities when they transferred to their new clubs. But what chances of us competing with City and their hordes of riches? Although looking at his first touch, you wonder again - lucky escape - or maybe just another foreigner finding the grass in Blightly a little tricky to play on (but will come good in time).

Perhaps all our targets could have fitted into the side without too much trouble, if you are in agreement that each target was an upgrade to the players who have at the minute. Maybe I'm the one complicating things and that our apparent erratic money flashing policy to just bid for anyone would result with a quality signing - no matter the one signed.

Yeah, that doesn't quite stick does it?

What is unquestionably evident, as predicted and known amongst all, is that upgrades are needed. Agreed? Players to match the likes of Modric, van der Vaart and Bale in impact to give us more options than a hoof and a knock-down. That isn’t a dig at Crouch, he serves his purpose and does so well. But we need something more to edge closer to the sides above us. We need a defined Plan A to go with the collection of Plan B's we have.

At the moment we are doing our very best with one boot lace untied, losing our footing every so often with said boot left behind stuck in the mud trying to kick the ball with a sock. Could we have done better in our endeavours had we bulked up our forward line with far more assured and proven quality? You’d like to say yes to that question, but we’ll never know because there’s no real way of knowing how the signings would have turned out. Out of form, injured, new country – plenty of potential hiccups for the bedding in period for most of the players we were linked with.

Tactically, Harry has changed the way we play a few times to accommodate a player, famously with vdV. The way we line-up in Europe tends to be different to the way we’d prefer to line-up in the league. A new player up front that was like-for-like in style (but an improvement) than our current crop might not have given him any further headaches. Say we lined-up with a fit Carroll up top. Or say an in-form Torres (just pretend) or a twenty-six year old Drogba (really pretend). We'd hardly need to change our style of play. I guess our desperation in wanting a new forward (just sign someone for the Love of God!!) was because new blood would most probably give us a refreshing rejuvenation and goal revival because that type of thing happens. Probably. Maybe.

Hindsight is hardly helping me here.

There was no such luck with a galvanising last minute shock signing. You tend to forget our gaffers more favoured signings (Bellamy, Parker, Cole) when the opportunistic one out shined them all. The great thing is, Harry always finds a way even if it sometimes feels like he gets away with a wing or two. And perhaps issues concerning money and progression at both at home in the Premier League and away in Europe has left the chairman thinking about other battles that need to be fought first in the summer to retain key players before building on key areas.

So, like I said at the start. Probably not, no, in reference to 'could we have done better?'. We’d probably be sat where we are sat at the minute. Fifth within touching distance of fourth and in the quarter-finals of the Champions League. Not bad considering our deficiencies, which are only such because of our new founded ambitions. That's just my opinion. You might disagree and suggest a top drawer forward would have scored the goals to have us sitting in third. Or better.

Conclusion from this messy ramble of thoughts? No massive shocker: the right player has to be available for the right price. Consolidation is always a risk if you spend big in the belief that the seduction of a new striker would equate to success on the pitch. That and there’s always the argument that if our current strikeforce took us to the Champions League and that same threesome remain present then that same three can perhaps strike their lightning emphatically a second time. Even if they are doing their utmost to be out-scored by the midfield.

My personal thoughts are that we need to sign a young player who we can truly blood in at the deep end. ‘The future’. We need to sign a world class technically gifted striker who has enough savvy and intelligence to link up with the midfield as well as goal-poach and goal-create. There has to be someone out there for the Lilywhite shirt.

At the moment, I’d say Roman is the player the club will let go. Leaving us with Defoe, Crouch and <someone new> + <young kid for the future>.

Upgrades on Defoe and Crouch can follow post-Harry for England.

For the moment, much like when the the Jan window shut, all we can do is support the players we have and hope that Harry has his best players available for selection and that he mixes it up a bit in the run-in and the quarter final. Let’s not pretend that a side with a full-pelt of Bale, Modric, van der Vaart and Huddlestone wouldn’t carve out goals for anyone of the players we have.

Defoe has had a stop-start season what with his injury and his red card and the fact that we don't play a consistent forward line-up in terms of one or two leading from the front. Crouch does a job, one that is much maligned and confusing and frustrating because of his not so amazing goal ratio. Pav continues to flatter to deceive. A scorer of great goals, not a great goal scorer.

We'll see how it pans out in the coming weeks because if there was ever a time for someone to lace up that second boot, it's now.

I have faith, as ever.

I score, therefore I am

by Spooky

Like most I played football in my younger days. I was never a great player by any stretch of the imagination (and boy did I stretch it). My problem was simply this. I was not blessed with great pace. However I did have quick feet and a quick brain although thanks to the lack of aforementioned pace I was never sharp enough to transcend the spark birthed when my grey matter collided across to the physical green of the field. Lazy, Berbatovesque in manner perhaps. I'd like to think looking back. I most definitely spent more time on hair styling than cleaning my boots.

However, I did have some fundamental basics that helped me get selected in the first place.

"He's got feet like an Italian footballer" it was often remarked. Quick feet with the ball at my feet. Fundamentals. A bit of close control with the ability to weave in and out, nonchalantly. Or clumsy depending on your view point. Looked clumsy rather than actually being clumsy.

Standing with foot on ball, what with the no pace issue, and yet I some how found a way through. See for all my apparent lack of physical presence I still had that uncanny ability to be in the right place at the right time. And on occasion score a goal of such rare beauty or brilliance that others would just shrug and mutter 'fluke' under their breath. The green eyed monsters.

I was much maligned. But I knew deep down I was simply someone who made the most of what he had. And in doing so, sometimes under their breath, they'd whisper a plaudit or two. I'm certain this one time I heard the praise. Hallelujah.

I played for a local team; Olympique Wingate. Majestic name for a team of misfits. I played mostly upfront.

We dazzled in organised friendlies and league games against other local teams in the Waltham Forest area (Leyton/Walthamstow/Wanstead mostly). Usually at the Hackney Marshes, Marsh Lane Leyton or Wanstead Flats. Eleven aside. Also competed against the odd non-league opposition when 'on tour' in the South East.

I can honestly hand on heart say there were the best days of my life. The bravado, the banter. The football was a good laugh too. I remember one game I was injured (ribs) but travelled and in our desperation came on in the second half because we had no other subs to select from. Spectacular entrance it was. Taking the ball with my first touch and going on a dinking mazy run through about four or five of their players El Diego style before being Schumachered by the opposition keeper and flipped over. Penalty (not taken by myself, I was searching for missing limbs) was missed. We lost that game. 4-0 down we actually got it back to 4-4 then took the lead before losing 6-5. It's sadly not available on DVD.

Another fine memory was being told by a player he would drown me in the local river if I didn't shut up, I had vexed him so much during the duration of the match. He was a team mate. The nutter.

One of the great games was against our deadly rivals, a side that came to be when our original team split into two over personality clashes (insert schizophrenia joke here) and selection disputes and went their separate way. We played them in a seven-a-side match every season. Fiery encounter, plenty of punch ups. Another high scoring epic this. 6-5 down with two minutes left, we won 7-6. Pandemonium.

For all the dramatics and criticisms, I scored a few goals. Yes, much maligned, but my personal stats read quite well.

36 goals in 37 appearances - the pinnacle of my paradoxical career. It was a messy business long before Lio was even a gleam in his fathers eye. This type of goal-hanging ratio from a winger-cum-striker with the feet of an Italian playmaker and the speed of a snail on ketamine was something that kept me going even with the doubters doubted me.

Add to it I had a rather feisty attitude in-game. I was box office, love me, hate me. I had a massive gob. Calling out 'penalty' when the foul was committed outside the box - by about three metres and generally winding up opposition players talking nonsense, celebrating in their faces. Perhaps looking back, everyone was at it. Sunday league and such.

Damn it, if I played football for real I reckon I'd be one of those cult hero type figures that get discussed on footie websites and terraces all the time with people debating whether I was gifted or just had everything gift-wrapped.

"He's sh*t but he's good". Get that on a t-shirt. Eat your heart out Ginger Pele.

On one (rare) lapse of form, I struggled in and out of the side and wasn't quite able to locate myself in the correct part of the pitch when said ball was crossed in. I was yards off the pace and lacked that something strikers just have when on form. For the record, I could also not header the ball to save my life. My football was played on the ground. Worked for Ian Rush. So all the high crosses into the box were followed by an attempt to either scissor kick the ball, fly through the air kung-fu style or acrobatically attempt to scorpion. All miserable failures. My poor form compounded further.

I couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo. Such was my luck I could have pushed a banjo glued to a piano off a building with two hundred cows grazing directly on the ground below and the piano-banjo hybrid would still have missed. Worm-hole would no doubt have appeared to suck in the piano-banjo before it hit the cows, taking it to another far gone place in the universe, mocking me as it blinked and disappeared.

No matter what I tried pre-match to psyche me up, it never worked. The more games played with no goals, the more I thought about scoring in the next game and the less likely I was of actually doing so because of the misguided effort I was putting in. The monkey on my back was eating through my shoulder blade. This type of pressure, it grates and it harms self belief because you spend most of your time thinking about it that you subconsciously allow it to control you.

So there was this one particular game. Away. Crunch match. Against a team that were unbeaten and we were not expected to beat. We went a goal down. I was up front with The Mullet (my strike-partner). A gentleman, fair in life and play. He was the type of footballer who worked for the team and never for personal glory. A naive fool I guess.

First half I believed I was actually doing quite well. Running (like the wind caught in a cup) into space, working the channels. I looked busy. I felt busy. I was sweating God darn it. Doing the donkey work for the team in an attempt to bring the midfield players into forward positions. It didn't quite work because:

a) The balls pumped forward were easily dealt with thus losing possession.
b) When I attempted to do a Robbie Keanesque 'deep role' our midfield were too busy getting over-run with defensive duties, on the backfoot, and thus no offensive intent was ever prominent in our favour.

It also didn't work because I was doing a bad impersonation of the player who had the teams copyright for this particular role; The Mullet. One Robbie Keane? Imagine two Keanos dropping deep. Double the pointing and shouting. Proper 'mare that.

We lacked cohesion. Midfield bypassed, the two strikers dropping back to help them becoming isolated then bombing forwards to latch onto hoofed balls and failing.

So there I was lost in a sea of disorganisation and disarray, drowning, sharks circling. At half-time we decided no more pumping the ball Wimbledon style for us to run onto. Slow, patient build-up the battle cry. Possession play the key. I guess on that bitterly cold afternoon in the heyday of Brit Pop, we re-invented expansive football for the Sunday amateurs.

Second half was far better. Fluidity with the ball at our feet. The equaliser however was a scrappy and unbecoming to our evolutionary comeback. The ball bouncing around their defence for The Mullet to pounce onto and toe-poke in.

Delirium regardless. Belief embraced.

I spent the next ten minutes running around, trying so hard to get onto the end of a cross or through-ball I could begin to taste my own blood. All in the name of team work. My work ethic was stupendous considering I had the lungs of a flea and the acceleration of a decommissioned locomotive. I was thinking about where I should be positioned, who I should look to play in, where the ball might be placed, which defender to get up close to and turn. Think think think. All the push and run still had no end product (other than that scrappy lucky equaliser).

I was now trying harder than ever and was still light years away from scoring.

I then had an epiphany.

I'm a striker. Plain and simple. I lash at the ball, I score. It's my job. For all my weaknesses, I'm the one who has the annoyingly good knack of being in the right place at the right time. So what the fudge am I doing working my guts out when I should be hanging around, remaining invisible, lurking in the shadows, waiting like an assassin who doesn't break into the home of his target, but instead waits for the target to open the door to pick up his morning bottle of freshly delivered milk.

The lazy assassin who lets things pan out to his favour. Then breaks milk bottles. Sure, you have to be patient, but if there's a bottle left outside the door, then the door will open.

Instead of playing to the teams tactics and working in tangent with The Mullet, I gave him a wink and a thumbs up to signal I was about to go all deep deep cover. He sighed. He knew I was about to instigate selfishness. Like the Bat signal in the Gotham night sky but instead two fingers stuck up at everyone. I don't need your help. I'm going to help myself. And by doing so help the team. Even if you don't like it.

I proceeded to not give a toss about anything other than getting my boot onto the ball and the ball over the line by simply not thinking heavy thoughts. By allowing fate and destiny and luck to rain down on me because if hard work and blind running had failed me in the 70 minutes thus far, then the complete opposite might do the trick. Instinct. Raw instinct. That's my fuel.

I decided, I'm going to score, it's going to happen, so screw it, I'll wait for it to happen.

Welcome to football philosophy by the marshlands magician.

Like Neo in the Matrix without the shades, just plenty of mud, socks rolled down, shirt tucked out, I let go of everything and let that instinct take over. No more thoughts about the tactical half-time clipboard. I started to daydream and wonder if the Brylcreem had dried out of my hair (I had a smart barnet back then and took extra special care of it).

Next thing I know, I look up, ball is played across the penalty area and I strike it inches wide. Had no idea how I wandered into said position. Coincidence? Fine by me. I wasn't not paying attention, I was simply allowing myself to escape the constraints of formation without jeopardising the teams structure. In other words, I followed the progression of the ball as it was played forward and moved into the most likely position the ball would find itself in. Football 101.

Into the final ten minutes and I get a second chance. On this occasion I followed the ball as our midfield dynamo rampantly surged forward looking to play someone in. I jinxed into the penalty area and could see The Mullet had done the same thing. We were both going to go for the same ball.

Midfield dynamo had played a disguised pass to the winger who cut the ball across the pen area behind the back-line. I held back momentarily. The Mullet stabbed at the ball, it hit the keeper and a defender and bounced back up to within hitting range for the The Mullet (he's on the floor at this point). All he had to do is lift his foot up to re-direct the ball goal-wards. Before he could blink I darted in and blasted the ball over the line for the 2-1. Winning goal. It was easier for me to leave it for The Mullet, who had carved out the chance, but he wouldn't mind. He wasn't about the glory.

Jubilant scenes. The win meant a lot thanks to the oppositions gloating pre-match. Meant a lot because my goal drought was over.

We won and in my selfishness I made sure of it. But in that moment I couldn't have cared less for the team. I wanted to get onto the score sheet and did so by sacrificing everything for the sake of my ego. Ruthless, relentless and self-centred. The by-product of the team winning was a bonus.

The Mullet told me post-match that he did not react and would not have done so even if I had stood watching, regarding the second goal. That made it all the sweeter.

My goal ratio per game improved tenfold after I ended the dodgy goalless patch with that goal. I don't expect this to prove inspirational to say someone like Jermain Defoe and his current tumbleweedy predicament. In fact I'd hazard this as inspirational as say giving him a Jimmy Greaves goals video to watch. The very fact people are discussing his drought (i.e. coaching staff) will play on his mind even more when he's running out for us. Expectancy can weigh you down. Even more so the expectancy for more failure.

You have to sometimes detach yourself from it all. Stick yourself in a bubble and just let it happen. Won't mean a thing to someone who hasn't played football (no matter the level). But you know how at some point in your footballing life you've scored a goal out of nothing and as you score it you find yourself in a daze like you're watching someone else score it and in the aftermath as you celebrate you think 'how the hell did I just do that?'.

It's not a fluke. It's that raw instinct that takes over your mind and soul. Be it a 30 yarder or a Lineker special. Some times you need to channel that type of belief to get through one game to the next. Unlike JD I wasn't returning from injury and then a suspension, stuttering in and out the side. Then again, I also wasn't being paid 50k per week to ply my trade.

Eye of the tiger, JD, eye of the tiger.

My career eventually ended thanks to four in-growing toe nail operations, that's two ops each on both big toes. My love for chemicals didn't help either and the many seasoned trips to Ibiza's peak season, walking around clubs looking for someone only to eventually work out I was looking for myself hardly helped my fitness. I like to compare myself to the Original Ronaldo. Living life to the full, not giving a care for anything else including the football towards the end. I even got fat (although I'm not too shabby in the gut these days).

Granted, my winning goal was not a classic or craft of Zlatanesque beauty. And I neither expect JD's to be one when he finally breaks his Premier League duck. I'll happily accept the ball to caress his bum cheek as it trickles over the line with the assistant referee waving his flag to confirm its a goal. Or just lash it without remorse (the football, not his bum cheeks).

Football. It's a simple game. Get onto the ball and kick it towards goal, chances are if you're not thinking too much about it you'll score. Perhaps I'd be better suited to football management or coaching. Probably not.


Spooky would have a heart attack if he even attempted a comeback out of retirement to play five aside, and thus prefers the potency of a pen to a studded boot.

Olympique Wingate; Formed 1991 - defunct 1995 (11 a side), Reformed 2003 - defunct 2004 (5 a side).

Anyone for a goal?

Is it safe to come out now? Everyone recovered from the debacle at Blackpool? No irony lost on me as I was ravaged and harassed much like our backline was. Rather illness than DJ Campbell witnessed me waste away (I lost 7 pounds). Offside indeed. Arguably a more damaging week for Spurs losing three points that cannot be recovered. I can at least eat a couple of doner kebabs and apply the lost weight in ample time.

What lessons can we take from the defeat? Other than the routine complaints that our forwards are not up to scratch?

1) Our forwards are not up to scratch.
2) Aided by the naivety of pushing forwards in numbers and allowing us to be punished on the counter.

On another day we might have scored a bundle. Oh for that other day.

JD hasn’t been on form for what seems like forever. Perhaps since the 9-1. Injuries aside, he has now taken an almost Pavlyuchenkoesque aura with his under-performing.  

“He’s only just back in the side”
“Needs to rediscover his touch”
“Trying too hard”
“Thinking too much instead of being instinctive”
“Lashing it when he should place it, placing it when he should be lashing it”

etc

In his defence some of his performances have been selfless in terms of sacrificing traditional goal-hanging virtues for more workman like defensive-forward qualities with JD running back into midfield, working the channels and generally doing all the donkey work with movement and pulling defenders away that many would over look because there’s no glam or end product. In these games you could also look towards the lack of creativity in supplying options to the forwards to strike at goal.

Such is the complexities of the current Spurs side that we’re almost performing to paradoxical levels week in week out.

We have spirit and guile and tenacity and most importantly we have team unity and belief (well, apart from Alan Hutton who is apparently in Goa with some old bloke with a white beard claiming to be Lord Lucan). We also have genuine balls deep world class players. In fact, in some ways we have the ilk of player(s) that transcends the accepted quality we usually enjoy at the Lane. We have players who are wonderfully talented as individuals but work majestically well as part of the team – with no determent for their inclusion. The paradox is, us sitting in fourth, could have been third, with hardly a reliable forward to be found. Ours can be easily located in Dubai.

I’d say ‘Crouch’ but I’d be shot down for mouthing it. But at least he tucks into his continentals whilst others choke on their full English. Although, I guess, he also chokes on his English. All a bit over-cooked then.

The only consistency has been the excuses we’ve all discussed post-match as reasons for our failures to see our midfield and attack combine to score goals (rather than goals being scored from midfield).

Apparently, it’s because of van der Vaart. When he plays everything goes through him (via Luka). Hence why it works with Crouch up top as a foil to the movement and endeavour of the Dutch maestro. If he’s missing, we fall back to a more traditional 442 set up. And we make hard work of it when we do. For example, the 3-1 loss to the Tangerines.

It’s pretty obvious stuff. We need something, someone special at Spurs. A player at the same level of a Modric or a van der Vaart. A forward, robust and intelligent who can play it on the ground and isn’t too shabby in the air. Some who can also link up play and allow others to flourish. Equally so, if there is no Drogba out there available then all we need to do is find a Lineker. No wonder we fail at each transfer window, eh?

Nothing new here, hardly a revelation. But all is not lost.

The paradox still has us in the top four with only a couple of recent gut wrenching defeats in the league that have seen us falter.

We have a striker who doesn’t score much, other than in Europe, but does assist.
We have a striker who has forgotten how to score.
We have a striker who seems to perform better as an impact player and can finish the ridiculously sublime but not the ordinary.

In fact, all three of our forwards are probably more suited as Plan B’s from the bench. But we still have to make do with what we have. We have no choice. Nothing we can do about wishful potential signings either. Whether it’s one up front or two, we’ve only got three to choose from.

I know that it’s all very dependent on the availability of vdV in how we line-up and from one game to the next and Harry likes to swap and change, but it’s time now to stick and pray. I don’t just mean with the forwards, but in other areas.

We need cohesiveness from one game to the next. Play the best players in their best positions and if they’re on-form let them retain their place. Sure, tactical reshuffles are a necessity for certain games (Milan) but if we want the midfield to link up with our rouge strike-force then a particular line-up needs to retain its shape. Appreciate squad rotation for freshness and injured players has to be accounted for. But sometimes I don't grasp the reasons for the shuffles. But then I'm just a fan not a coach.

It’s not ideal all this. If you have an in-form striker, someone you have faith in who you can stick up front and you know he’ll give you not just 100% but a little bit of composure too...you wouldn’t complain. Even the best have off days and you’d accept that. What’s frustrating is we’ve seen little in the way of movement in terms of improvements from any of our players other than say Crouch who does impress in those European one-offs.

Pav has never been in the zone. Always fleeting on the edge.
Defoe is a confidence player, scores in bursts, and when he doesn’t is maligned for offering little else.
Crouch is hardly prolific, great foil for vdV or an in form Defoe. But can’t be relied on to notch up the goals.

You can’t be too shocked that were not producing the goods. But even with this motley crue, we’re still someone how in the hunt. Thanks to the strengths of our midfield and the fact that we don’t actually lose that many, so our defence must be doing equally good. That’s the defence that also never remains the same from one week to the next.

We need to be better to consolidate. We have to in order to remain in the fight. To suggest we can’t is the type of pessimistic hoodoo we can do without. Last season we had key midfielders missing. We got on with it.

We’re stuck with the intangible again. So based on blind faith I’m placing hope on our trequartista threesome simply because...we have absolutely nothing else to place our hopes on.

Zonal marking, eat your heart out.

Anyone for a t-shirt?

Entrepreneurial webcomic illustrator/blogger/founder of the Studs Up empire (and all round nice guy) Chris Toy has followed up from his simplistically joyful football culture tee ‘2 points, 8 games, 1 hero’ and ‘Taxi for Maicon’ shirts with another essential must-have.

Oh yeah.

You know you want to.

Answer to forward conundrum must not take us backwards

Spurs down to 5^th. Harry out.

In all seriousness (because I’m in a serious kinda mood), we are creeping ever closer to our old friend, the January transfer window, amidst all the hullabaloo of Harry and that marquee signing he (and Daniel) are apparently desperately itching to sign. It’s been the theme of the season, the slow brooding arc hiding in the shadows whilst the players we do have, parading with pomp in Lilywhite, get on with swaggering, swashbuckling and spurring their way onwards.

I’ve got a lot of time for Harry and what he does. He takes players, some broken others forgotten, and rejuvenates them. BAE and Bale two perfect examples. And even Hutton what with this recent realisation that discipline and positioning is vital to Lennon up ahead of him. He works his magic, via hugs I guess. Broken players are fixable. However, some of his transfer targets have at times been questionable. I cite Joe Cole, but then who knows what Cole would have brought to the team. Hardly a thing I expect as he tends to spend most of his time on the sidelines. van der Vaart was on ‘the list’ but you get the feeling we got lucky thanks to circumstance. Not that I’m complaining. I’m certain even on form Cole would not have come anywhere near producing what vdV does. Rafa is not just about the skills with his feet but more so about the mental strength and focus he brings to the side, which rubs off on other players. Master-stroke signing. And a lucky escape. Even though the fact of the matter is - it wasn't our first choice.

Goes to show what one world class player can bring to the table. And how others begin to click because of it. So what about the arrival of new blood in the new year?

We’re going to sell players, I’m sure of it. Decrease the wage bill, earn us a bit of wedge. What is certain is that consolidation is positively screaming out for attention. The Prem is wide open and what with our strength in depth, another player of similar ilk to vdV playing, dare I suggest, up front ahead of the Dutchman sitting in the hole – well, this would surely dilate the pupils and make hairs stand on back of neck, jigging and smoking Cuban cigars.

Momentum (sorry, I’m boring myself with repeatedly going back to this) is the key. There is no runaway leader(s) or packs. Other than a slight, ever so slight, gap beginning to appear just below us which might suggest last season’s top five will be repeated this season. But in what order?

If we’re going to stick around in the upper tier then we need to be clinical. We are doing so much right at the moment in terms of the midfield scoring a decent quota of goals. And sure, we need to keep more clean sheets and continue to win more games at home. But we certainly need to be scoring more as a general rule. And I know it’s the chicken and the egg in terms of actually creating the chances in the first instance, but place a world class striker in the team and watch how much easier it will be to do just that. It’s nothing that needs deep theoretical thought. Imagine say a twenty five year old Drogba up top for us. Woof, no?

Don’t ask me who our saviour will be because I don’t know (Carroll the most likely). I will say this – Spurs, Levy and Harry will sign the right player if we are looking for the right player in the forward position. It’s an assumption we are all making based on what we all know. Keane is spent, Pav scores but can offer too little at times and Crouch is better in defence than attack.

Harry has mentioned names in the past, but I tend to associate any talk at press conferences as the usual misinformation/deflection tactic. The recent Dzeko comments make me wonder if Harry is playing games and perhaps looking at one of Eastland’s ‘rejects’ (if City want to play ball this time round). Hopefully not on both accounts.

Regardless of all the forward talk, the one constant has been midfielder Scott Parker. Not a forward, a midfielder, obviously. Not a defensive midfielder (we have a couple of them already) but a robust ‘engine room’ type of box to box blah blah blah...haven’t we already got Jenas? So why the continuous linkage with the supposed Spurs fan who has already rejected us twice?

And here’s the conflict I have with this in terms of our gaffer and his initial stance on his first choice transfers. Harry does things, you scratch your head and question it and in the end he justifies it. If he thinks Parker could do a job then why question it? Even if all logic points to our already quite congested midfield pool. Personally, I don’t want us going anywhere near the player. And West Ham feel the same and he’s hardly ‘marquee’. But much like the Joe Cole saga before he did us a favour and signed for Liverpool, you wonder what Harry is looking for and how much of it is reactionary as opposed to planned (i.e. vdV and 451). If he doesn't get his man it's hardly been a disaster, has it? But this time round we need to be absolutely certain that the player(s) we sign is a perfect fit that doesn't cause ripples of regret when we look to fit him into the team.

So we await. In an ideal world, I’d sign a forward and another DM. Even with the wealth we have already in that congested middle order, even though I’ve downplayed the Parker obsession and even though Wilson is picking up form. Two world class players to our current side and, pinch yourself, we could even finish top three. And that ain’t the rum talking.

Of course, some might say why spend money on yet another forward that is meant to be the answer but might turn out to be a little too apologetic in performance (much like a certain Russian). But then Harry and Levy are more than aware that second best is not going to be a satisfactory option if there are viable targets out there that we could sign to take us to that next level.

Next month is going to be massive for us. No pressure then. But I won’t obsess too much. For me, and probably for you too, all we can ask for is continued form in the league and more points (cause they mean prizes).

New blood will only make us stronger. We're unlikely to make a wrong judgement with so much at stake. I have faith. So it's all good. Roll on 2011.

Spooky recommends...All-conquering Englishman spurs his way across Europe

Capital Punishment by Kris Mole - Ebook available here

extract:

Having blagged his way into a Barcelona FC press conference...

"My fantasy interview was cut short by someone entering the room talking on a mobile phone. I turned to see who it was and couldn’t believe my eyes. Xavi, all 5’7” of him (he’s a littl’un) was standing beside me having a chat to someone, probably his girlfriend, telling her he would be home for dinner soon and could she make sure there were a few San Miguels in the fridge. He glanced at me with a look that said,

“Who the **** are you?” and I nodded a greeting his way. He then looked down at the cockerel on my chest and sighed the kind of sigh that I knew meant, “If only they would put in a bid for me. I would love to play for Spurs one day.”

He finished his conversation and left me alone once again."

The Five Stages

Denial.

It's not two points dropped - it's a point gained at Fortress St Andrews. Chelsea got nothing there. We've got players out injured, about sixty to seventy players. We're decimated. Our defence is beyond the realms of depletion. We've got a sixth choice centre-back in there ffs people! And JD is a bit rusty what with only just returning from injury. But it's still all good. We got a point there last season too, didn't we? It's a good result. And don’t fret, Defoe will regain his sharpness soon, he's three to four games away from being fully fit. Just needs a couple more appearances on the Xtra Factor and he'll be tip top. He'll be able to beat the offside trap blindfolded, I promise you. There’s nothing wrong with our strike-force. It will come good soon. They got lucky, should have been three or four to us. Mark my words. Everything is just fine. It's dandy.

Anger.

Mary mother of Christ, why? Why damn it, why? What's the point in beating Arsenal and Liverpool and then not following it up with another win? Can we not just hold out in the final ten minutes of a game? Its ten minutes. That's ten minutes of pulling it and holding it together without collapsing. Ten minutes, it’s not exactly the length of time it took Benjamin Button to regress from an old man back into a baby. And yet we manage to turn from giants into mice the moment the clock ticks over the 80th minute mark.

Same old Tottenham. Why didn’t Harry instruct his players correctly from the dugout? What the hell does he get paid to do? All he has to do is change it, you know, do something. Formations or something clever. Or a sub or two but not a substitution that fails to make us win. The sub has to work. And if it does works then, granted, it won't be down to him, just luck, but at least the result will be in our favour.

Ten minutes left and they equalise. It's gotta be Harry and his non-existent tactics. All his previous victories against Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and City? Flukes. The lot of them. Flukes. He doesn't have a clue. Winging it. That's what he's doing. I could do his job. Sit on the bench, twitch a bit. Send a Russian on. Easy.

And Crouch, what is the point of Crouch exactly? We might as well play a ladder up front, it would probably give away fewer free kicks and is undoubtedly a better dancer. Can't head the ball, the ladder, so no difference there.

Why can't we just stick our chances away like other top top sides do? Harry really doesn't have a clue with how to make our forwards move about the pitch aptly and kick the ball in the net. Useless.

Bargaining.

Please tell me it's going to be fine? I promise to wash my lucky 1981 circa y-fronts  for the first time if we can just win two or three on the bounce. That's all I want. Just another run of games, three points a time. I promise I won't slate Jenas or Wilson or Crouchie. And no more accidental collisions with Chirpy when he's out shopping for the weekend in Tesco's. Unless he stares at me because then he's asking for a punch in his big fat stupid head. Or the back of his head when he's not looking, depends where I'm positioned to be honest. And if his wife, the skanky chicken, happens to get in the way. Self-defence your honour, self defence.

I'll sing my heart out unequivocally just for some sustained consistency and end product. We just need a defensive midfielder in there to compensate for the determent of our creative players always pushing up and the inability of our forwards to retain possession in the final third. Wasteful of the ball in areas of intent. Which results with the likelihood of dropped points because we allow the opposition a chance to claw it back. It’s cheap.

One goal is never enough, right? Or is it? No, it is. I reckon it is. If we don’t ship any in the opposite direction.

Depression.

What's the point? I can't handle this. I can't handle the expectancy and the pressure of needing us to win every game. It's just too much weight for me to carry on my shoulders. City have too much money, we can't compete, we just can't compete. In the long run we're going to lose out, so what's the bleeding point of it all if it's going to end in tears? We're gonna be crippled by the new stadium any  ways.

And Bale. Christ, we're going to sell Bale, I can feel it in my bones. Levy wants the money for his transfer kitty when we move to Stratford. Oh God no, not Stratford. I can't handle this, I don’t want to handle any of it. Just want peaceful tranquillity. This is just too much. We didn't even get a club shop dvd of the 3-2 win at the swamp. The Arsenal fans were right, it doesn't count. It doesn't count! Should have been a dvd! Ah damn you! God damn you all to hell!

And St Andrews. 1-1, when it should have been 1-0. I'd rather not experience this ilk of low. I wish we were mid-table going nowhere again. That type of hurt, it's hurt I can live with. Its gentle hurt, not losing three on the trot is 'good form' type of hurt. We're rubbish but its okay we're rubbish. Like West Ham. That type of disappointment, that type of expected disappointment, it's easier to cope with.

One clean sheet in twenty-two. One clean sheet in twenty-two. How's this title winning form? We might not be bottom but we should be. This is an unmitigated disaster. I'm taking the toaster to the bathroom. Oh Christ, I forgot to pay the electricity bill. I hate you Tottenham.

Acceptance.

It's going to be fine. We've been here before haven't we? We drew, it's not like we lost. We drew up at Everton last season, that was a far worst result but it didn't matter in the end. We learnt from it. We've got a patched up defence coming off one of the best weeks in our recent history, qualifying for the Champions League with a game to spare. Not much Harry could have done tactically. Gone more defensive? Killed the game off? Perhaps. But if the Brummies had scored after a tactical change by the gaffer he'd have been slated for not being positive enough had he gone defensive. If Pav had knocked one in we'd all be laughing now. Mistakes, individual mistakes are hardly the fault of the manager. Need to be clinical up top. Then manager will be deemed a genius.

Dropped points might catch up with you by the end of the season but then again it probably won't when others are dropping points but I guess had we picked up points when we needed to we could have placed down a marker and pushed onwards because if we win and others don't then we've got an advantage but it's hardly as convincing as when we drop points and they win. When that happens we're in masses of trouble. So what will be will be. We'll end up where we deserve to end up. Much like last season.

5th spot currently. Six points off the top. Three points off the Champions League places. Yes, yes, all good. 1-1 draw with Birmingham just another reminder of what needs to be fixed if we're going to progress to the next level:

Clean sheets. Defence needs to be consistent. Midfield bossing the tempo and dictating play - i.e. shut up shop, kill the game off with controlled possession. Do not invite the opposition to come a knocking on the door. Forwards holding up the ball intelligently and finishing off chances, clinically.

Easy. Jot it down on a clipboard.

Next up, Chelsea. It's up to Harry to navigate us through the game to victory using Cerebro-amplified powers to man-manage our players minds and feet and result with the Prem League offering us four points for the win.

Patience, it's the key. Missing players returning, the January window opening. I can wait. Patience. I promise I've got patience in abundance. We're not doing all that shabby all things considering. I can wait. Just a bit longer. We're almost there. I'm in the departure lounge. Just waiting for the delayed outgoing flight to be scheduled for boarding. Got my ticket. Not long now, not long. One way ticket to the that bit of land just beyond the promised land.

It’s going to be fine.

Faith. Keeping it.

Massively.

Three gripes

Trying to rationalise yesterdays result.

We created (apparently) 18 chances including hitting the woodwork. Although the chances were never always clear cut and usually long range efforts, there's an undisputed argument that for the best part of the game we dominated in terms of possession and intent to go forward and score. Sunderland defended, we attacked. Okay so our version of attack is not quite the swashbuckling variant we have been accustomed too in recent seasons. Our movement up top is not the best. We tried to win the game and probably would have won it if Gallas and Kaboul did not brain fart in synchronicity to allow the equaliser from their first effort.

There are two gripes here. Three gripes. Probably more, but I'll go with the three for now.

Gripe #1 - Forwards, lack of. I know this is turning into a weekly excuse but there is a deficiency in our league games that is making the performance appear worse than it actually is. It's all about scoring goals, obviously, and if you don't you're not going to be winning many games. Even when we play just above average football we still endeavour to craft and create. But the issue remains because we don't have a robust tenacious forward in the side, it's akin to Zorro being asked to sword fight with a haddock in his hand. However, as witnessed at Bolton, we can score goals. It's the one dimensional application that places us under pressure and the longer the game goes on the more it plays on our minds.

Gripe #2 - Urgency, lack of. For around 70 minutes we asked all the questions. But it felt like we stood there speaking in a monotone drool slowly working through a power-point presentation made up of bland and boring graphs and stats. Where was the intentionally placed photo of a woman in a bikini in amongst the slides to brighten up the presentation? It's all a bit one gear, same speed with little variation. See end of gripe #1. Now perhaps I'm being a little harsh here because I know there are several of you (I've checked) that believe it was a 'frustrating result but not a frustrating performance'. I appreciate what you're trying to say here, but it is a frustrating performance because the players need to work just that little bit harder and we need to go beyond just 'asking questions' and just ram it down their throats a bit like Steve Jobs jumping around on stage during a key-note speech screaming 'IT'S MAGIC, IT'S MAGIC, IT'S MAGIC!'.

Okay, go on then, you've forced me into it. Here's another analogy. We're like an iphone 4. We look fantastic out the box but if we struggle to fulfil the most important function, then we're practically rendered useless. We need a new antenna (see gripe #1 again) because trying to hold ourselves up in an awkward manner is simply not working. Unless we're in Europe. Where reception is pretty good.

Last season we churned out results. Whether it was with or without key players. Our midfield in the past might have resulted in a migraine or two, so the irony of having a midfield now but nothing up top hurts. But even so, it's not like we're not creating chances. There simply has to be more urgency in our play. Get into the box, hassle, do or die even if its unwarranted in terms of it being a club like Sunderland (rather than a NLD). Works for United in the tenth minute of injury time. We need to make it work for us. Because with that attitude, if we did have a working forward, we'd be laughing proudly.

Gripe #3 - The basics. This is something that leaves me scratching my head. And it might be something that isn't looked at in terms of major reconstruction internally but there's enough to make me hope Harry does takes a look. It's the simple stuff. Like set pieces. The way we defend them is obviously something we all know is an issue. But I'll concentrate on the way we attack them, or should I say not attack them. Countless corners - no end product. Not suggesting we score from everyone but Christ, come on Spurs, make at least one of them count. We still don't appear to make the most of direct/in-direct free-kicks either. And in terms of desire the players have to understand that just going through the motions even if those motions are decent (in terms of passages of play) it's not always going to be enough to defeat the opposing side. Players have to adapt in game and add some ooh into the oomph. If Bale is being doubled up and there's no Lennon on the other side, swap it around for ten minutes. Force Sunderland into changing their shape. Reshuffle damn it.

Felt yesterday evening was a routine display where we just did the same thing over and over again. Enough to win it, excluding the mistake that meant we didn't. When we did score our goal it was from the first decent cross from Bale and vdV once more alert to the nod down from Crouch. There is more to us than this. Even with missing players and that need for a new forward. We are not this one dimensional. And let's be frank here, a man holding a fish might not be as cutting as a man holding a sword, but you can still smack someone in the face with it. 

Forward Thinking

by Chrisman

A '20 goals a season man' is a bit of a red herring. These days 15 league goals are more than enough. We get goals from all over the pitch. We do however need another striker. Crouch should be 3rd choice. Harry doesn't seem to fully trust Pav....or, reading between the lines, maybe he views Pav as essential, and was saving him for the arguably bigger game on Tuesday.

Crouch's problem - he can't beat a man. He is not a threat at all receiving it with his back to goal and beating his man on the turn. Like Pav, Defoe, or any number of top strikers can. The problem this creates is that defenders know they can get ultra tight on him, because they know he's not going to go past them. Other top strikers will automatically have 2 yards of space because defenders know they have to drop off, or risk getting put on their asses with a sharp turn and sprint. This means they can receive the ball in a bit of space, and turn and go towards goal. It opens the pitch up. Crouch always has a man hanging off him, and he can only go one way - away from goal. This makes life difficult for him and us.

He often has to receive the ball to his head, because he can't properly run the channels and be in enough space to receive it to feet. Pav is so much better at this, and adds a different angle of attack when he does it, an angle Crouch rarely provides. We end up playing the long ball to Crouch far too much. You could say that this isn’t his fault, but you could also be a bit more astute. You could see that the reason we play this ball so much is because Crouch doesn’t have the speed of movement to offer any other option.

Yes Crouchie has a good touch, and when he has chances he can take them. But he is just too slow and immobile. Even the likes of Berbatov, Saha, Anelka etc can all hold the ball up, and also offer that ability to turn and go. Crouch is one dimensional. Admittedly, that one dimension is a dimension he is pretty good at. But it’s not quite enough.

I also believe that Crouch knows he is a bit out of his depth. His confidence is suffering slightly as a result. I think if he was used as a 'plan B' 3rd striker, he would be much more comfortable. He'd know that's the role that suits him best, and it's a role in which he can really offer something. It’s just I don’t feel he offers anything that Pav doesn’t, and Pav has a lot more in his locker than Crouch. I’m not saying Pav is the second coming of Klinsmann, but right now Crouch is making him look really good. At the very least Pav deserves a good run of 6-8 games where he is a guaranteed starter. It’s no more than Crouch has had after all.

Having 5 good forwards on our books might be a good thing if they were all emotionless automatons. But they ain’t, and there are only so many games in a season, and not nearly enough to keep all 5 happy. So we end up getting some silly situations like Saturday when you have to bring on 2 strikers at once. What about letting Defoe have 10 minutes with Pav? Did anyone really expect Keane to do anything positive? Why not bring on Dos Santos up front for the last 10 minutes? It’s easy to look at things in hindsight from my armchair, but logic seems to go out of the window when so many different parties have to be appeased. Having so many good strikers will do us more harm than good.

Strikers play on confidence. They have to know their role, and know the hierarchy. What kind of situation is it when 2 strikers start, and they know that if they don’t produce anything after an hour there are 2 replacements the manager is dying to throw on? It’s not a good look. I’m pretty certain Harry knows this, and it wouldn’t greatly surprise anyone to see 2 of the 5 leave in the next week. I’d be delighted to see Keane leave, and if Crouch left I certainly wouldn’t be too worried. As long as one comes in. That still leaves us with 4.

Any number of players would do. Forlan is obviously the dream choice. Fabiano is interesting, but I think he’s too much of a finisher. In the PL you need to be able to do a lot more than just finish to be a good striker. Berbatov is an interesting proposition. I would definitely like to see what him and Pav up front could do. The move is probably there for him if he really wants it. Loic Remy looks extremely raw. Gyan looked good in the World Cup. Milevsky of Kiev looks to be a good prospect. There are plenty of options, all offering great potential but also a fair degree of risk.

I don’t think any other area of the team needs major improvements. We saw last season that it was only a pretty small improvement needed to change us from a best of the rest team into a really serious contender. We have the cake. It just needs to be iced. Give me some sweet, creamy frosting please Mr Levy.

Time to terminate Darren Bent

Yesterday I read some quotes from Darren Bent about how Harry should play his strongest side possible in the UEFA Cup and that the benefit to the team would be to aim to carry the (hopefully) winning momentum into the next league game. That’s all well and good Dazza, but we've already had plenty of opportunity to carry forward the momentum in important league games and have got nowhere, so there’s no logic to the suggestion, based on the inconsistency of our players and their failure to put a decent run together. We never win when we should be forcing the issue.

Bent has been very vocal in the past week or so and according to Setanta Sports is back at it again today in what looks like a reprise of his comments from last week:

“I’ve got a point to prove in that I want to show the gaffer what I can do and I want to be starting games. At the same time, I don’t think I’ve got anything to prove because I’ve scored goals this season. If I hadn’t done then I would – but I’m the top goal scorer at this football club so I feel like I can just go out there and relax. I don’t feel the pressure at all, I just go out there and enjoy it” - Darren Bent (allegedly)

For the time being I’m going to assume this is a direct quote from the mouth of Darren Bent and not a representative or an overly creative and bored journalist mish-mashing a mis-quote alphabet soup together. Until the player states he has been misquoted I’m going to assume the above quote is word-for-word what Darren believes and stated.

So, let’s break down his statement of intent.

Dazza has a point to prove to the gaffer, but hold onto ya hats, no he doesn’t because he’s scored a few goals this season and if he hadn’t he would have a point to prove which is what he said in the first place regardless of scoring those goals but he’s top goal scorer at Spurs so he can contradict himself as many times as he wishes.

That’s set that straight then.

And because he’s top 'club' goal scorer (worth mentioning again) he can take the field of play and relax. That’s right, Dazza feels no pressure at all. Because he has nothing to prove. It’s all just a walk in the park for the £15M poacher. He can take the field and chill out because that's just the type of player he is.

WALOB.

Firstly someone needs to take him aside and explain to him that we are in a relegation scrap. Secondly, he needs to watch extended highlights of his apologetic on the field mannerisms and rabbit in the headlights stature, all teary eyed and scared as glances motionless in the box holding onto his comfort blanket waiting for a ball to hit his shin and go in.

So you go out there and enjoy it do you Darren? Enjoy what exactly? The ambience of the stadium? The weather? Bit of fresh air and half time cup of tea? The melodic chants of the Park Lane? You’re not meant to enjoy it. There is nothing enjoyable about our dismal form and lack of consistent cutting edge as a team from one game to the next (consolation goals do not count). Not that you are to blame for it, but as an individual, you're not impressing anyone.

We are the ones who are meant to be enjoying it and when you see us doing so you can then take a slice of satisfaction from it. I don’t believe for a second that you’re half as confident as you’re making out to be, mouthing off to the press every other day. So unless you are pulling some kind of Joaquin Phoenix method acting publicity stunt and you're not really a complete messy paradox of a player you need to be doing more on the the pitch and less of the talking off it to prove your worth.

I don’t care about your goal ratio. I don't care that you are the top scorer at Spurs. It's not enough to think that minimal effort is satisfactory because minimal effort equates to 14 goals. I want to see more effort and more willingness. I want to see you develop your game. I want to see you adapt to the formation and tactics of the team. I want to see you score more goals.

But no. That's too much for you isn't it? We don't ever see any of that extra effort. All I ever see from you is ah-da-da-dah like this in the background holding your head missing a sitter. What the f*ck is it with you? What don’t you understand? You got any f*cking idea? It’s f*cking counter-productive having somebody that does nothing in front of the midfield during a game? Give me a f*cking answer! What don’t you get about your lack of effort?

Ohhhhhh, gooooood for you, you scored a couple of goals up at Bolton. I hope it was f*cking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?

F*cks sake man, you’re amateur. Harry, you got f*cking something to say to this dud other than comparing him to your wife? No? Well somebody should be f*cking watching and keeping an eye on him.

He doesn’t give a f*ck about what is going on around him. I’m trying to support the team here and I am going “What the f*ck does Darren Bent do exactly? What is he doing here?” Do you understand my mind is not on the game when you're out on the pitch?

Stay the f*ck away from the media. For f*cks sake.

You are trashing my club.

You mouth off one more f*cking time and I ain't going back to the Spurs Shop and spending money on merchandise if you're still playing shit. I'm f*cking serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't f*cking cut it when you're f*cking around like this on the pitch and doing nothing much and then giving it the big billy bollocks in the press.

Seriously, you and me, we’re f*cking down, professionally.

What does Darren Bent do exactly? Part II

Darren Bent. So what does he do exactly again?

14 goals
9 in Prem
4 in UEFA Cup
1 in CC

Quite a bit apparently. If you've not read part one, click here. I'm following up that article with, well to be honest, more of the same.

One of the main arguments put forward in favour of Darren has been related to stats. He scores goals, so what else do we want from him? The counter-argument is that because of his lack of team-play quality (he doesn't hold up the ball well, support team mates, create or assist, not great at heading, woeful positioning) we only benefit from his goal-poaching when we play a certain type of formation or when away from home.

He's therefore one dimensional according to those who believe he doesn't bring anything else of value to the side. He just feeds off the scraps. Instinctively, but not as busy as a Greaves or Lineker who both, arguably goal-hanged, although both were very much capable of scoring goals out of nothing. But even though Greaves could go 85 minutes without doing much, then bang in a couple of goals, comparing Bent to Jimmy is borderline ridiculous. Is it not?

If one dimensional gets you a better goal ratio than a player who possesses more tricks in his locker, should we simply be playing to his 'strengths'? If your answer is yes, then what formation/team structure would we need to play? Perhaps kick random balls into the box and hope Bent gets on the end of some of them? Tottenham's play will have to be basic to cater for Bent upfront. Basic in the sense that nine outfield players link-up and get involved in build up play, with Bent waiting in the shadows alone for a ball to roll within proximity to his feet.

Harsh.

So what about those pesky statistics then? Here's a quick glance at the club stats from this season (thanks to CAS over at GG for the numbers which I've blatantly copy and pasted):

• Bent has played 1995 minutes for us so far this season which equates to 22.17 full games and in those games he has scored 14 goals
• Pav has played 1752 minutes for us which is 19.47 games and scored 12 goals
• Defoe has played 2414 minutes or 26.82 games and scored 12 goals (Pompey and Spurs)
• Keane has played 1860 minutes or 20.67 games and scored 7 goals (Liverpool and Spurs)

So the goal ratios stand us follows:

• Bent 1 goal every 1.58 games
• Pav 1 goal every 1.62 games
• Defoe 1 goal every 2.23 games
• Keane 1 goal every 2.95 games

And here's a run-down of when Bent's goals were notched up:

• 1 (A) PREM Chelsea 1-1 D Bent equaliser
• 2 (H) PREM Aston Villa 1-2 L Bent consolation
• 3 (H) UEFA Wisla Krakow 2-1 W Bent winner
• 4 (A) PREM Stoke City 2-1 L Bent consolation
• 5 (H) PREM Bolton 2-0 W Bent penalty
• 6 (A) PREM Arsenal 4-4 D Bent scores our second goal
• 9 (H) UEFA Dinamo Zagreb 4-0 W Bent hat-trick
• 11 (A) PREM Man City 2-1 W Bent brace
• 12 (A) CC Watford 2-1 W Bent winner
• 14 (A) PREM Bolton 3-2 L Bent brace

How many of the above were scraps/rebounds/plain lucky? How many were created after a sweeping move or out of absolutely nothing? How many saw Bent link-up with the midfield before sweeping forward to complete the move and bury the ball in the back of the net?

He's no Sandra Redknapp

Does it matter, as long as the end result is 'the ball hitting the back of the net'?

He's scoring so that's surely enough, no? If Robbie Keane scores less goals than Darren Bent per games played, does that make him any less of a player? Of course not. So who would you prefer to have in your starting line-up? Bent's ratio is possibly even better than what Berbatov managed with us - but would you pick Bent over the departed Bulgarian if he was still here? Silly question, right? You wouldn't.

So should you be asking 'why'?

It's OK to refer to the statistics and ratios and state this as evidence enough for his inclusion, but a stat worth looking at perhaps is how many assists come from the feet of Defoe/Pav/Keane etc compared to those of Darren Bent.

Note also that Cudicini has a habit of rolling the ball out to fullbacks when Pav isn't on the pitch, as Bent doesn't win headers. Personally, he should always roll the ball out. Prefer it when we play from the back, keeping the ball on the ground.

At this moment in time - should we not be concerned with anything other than hitting the back of the net, no matter how? Where Bent fails to achieve the link-up work of a Keane or a Pav (who both assist the team into functioning cohesively) he produces the final goods - goals. And in our predicament, surely any scrapes or rebounds will do. Surely goal celebrations are more imperative to a sweeping move involving 5 or 6 players resulting with a forward waving his arms in the air screaming at the ref?

Perhaps that's a simplistic way of looking at it. Bent is not a better footballer than Defoe or Keane. He won't get involved as much as either of them. He won't assist or create. We need to win games, no matter who does the scoring. And having a cohesive hard working Spurs team out on the pitch every week, players working for each other, will make a far greater impact than having a fragmented side with players who don't quite fit in.

(Although some might say, dropping back to link-up is the reason why Robbie's goal ratio isn't as good as Darren's)

In a relegation scrap, we can't afford to miss any opportunity that presents itself in front of goal. Bent still has a part to play in the season. He' still important for certain scenarios. But he's not going to be here come the end of the summer time. Where Spurs will be by the start of August is also up to 11 players rather than just one.

I guess, as ever, all we can do is support the players out on the pitch. Including Darren Bent. And I'll be celebrating one of his goals with the same loopy celebration that would accompany a Keane or Pav goal. If Darren continues to score goals in his limited appearances we won't be complaining.

What does Darren Bent do exactly?

It’s a question that’s divided Tottenham fans and one that’s been posed ever since he joined Spurs. Thanks to Darren's recent public ultimatum via the red tops where he has suggested he needs to be playing more otherwise he’ll move on, I have to ask myself (much like you might be doing) is he worth keeping? Would we miss him if he’s gone?

Ignoring the £15M price tag (that’s not his fault) you could argue Darren has not had a fair chance, a prolonged run of games, to prove his worth as a first choice striker. Statistically, he has a very decent goal to appearance ratio and has slotted quite a few of them away from home. So based on whether he can put the ball into the back of the net, you’ll find some Spurs fans defending him on the basis that he’s a striker and strikers are there to score goals.

But is football really that simplistic? Can we (or any club) afford the luxury of a player that simply knocks them in without bringing much else to the field of play?

We bought the player on the strength of his consistent performances and goal scoring record when he played for Charlton. A confident finisher who would run onto the ball. Worked a treat there because Charlton played defensive counter attacking football. Bent is far from being creative or inventive and isn’t the type of player you’d expect to see getting involved in build up play or perhaps crossing the ball in for others to feed off. Bent’s success there was down to the style of play Curbishley fashioned. He suited Charlton. So does he suit Tottenham?

If the opposition defend deep and don’t allow the space for Darren to run into, then is he ruled ineffective? You’ll find one or two people answering yes to that. But still, he scores goals, which means he must be doing something right, no?

Which finds us back to the question as to whether scoring goals is enough to warrant a first team place. Pav, Defoe, Keane and Berbatov (bless him) have more than just goal-scoring boots in their locker. All have their particular weakness/faults but arguably all of them have far more in the way of ability to get involved in games rather than become invisible until a goal scoring opportunity becomes available.

Was invisible too harsh of a word to describe him? Does he participate with good movement and solid hold up play? Is he a nuisance to defenders, digging at their heels, taking players away for others to take advantage of the opening spaces ahead?

Bent is more suited for a 4-5-1 formation and (as mentioned earlier) playing away from home where we can counter-attack when the home team are pressing. Logic here is there is more space for him to run into, bit like when he played for Charlton.

So regardless of the fact that he still has a knack of getting in amongst the goals, there are no other tricks in his locker. And even though he has never had the chance to play week in and week out as a first choice striker, even when he’s been scoring, other players have been preferred simply because they are far more involved in the game which means they bring others into it.

'I score, therefore, I am'

So is Bent is a goal-hanger? Feeding off rebounds and goal keeping mistakes. The odd scrap here or there. That’s probably not statistically fair to him, but he isn’t showing us much in the way of developing his overall play. Creating goals from nothing.

Complaining in the press isn’t going to help improve his level of performance. But he obviously believes he is doing enough.

Pavlyuchenko has put him to shame with regards to effort, considering the Russian was not fit when he signed for us, suffering from fatigue and completely alien to the English game and the country. He might not hold the ball up like a Teddy Sheringham, but he is far more convincing a team player than Darren Bent is. And he’ll get better once we get through this season and start afresh (again) next season.

Bent's whinging to the press sums it all up. Pushing aside the stats and the analysis of his all-round game, Darren Bent believes he has done enough to prove his value to the club. He has done his bit therefore believes he is immune to criticism. As far as he is concerned he has done more than enough to prove himself and there’s no need for him to do anything else.

I spoke about the culture of failure at Spurs in a previous blog entry, how losing is OK at White Hart Lane. Michael Carrick famously touched upon this when he joined Manchester United. Players – team-mates –should be competing against each other at the highest possible level they can muster up, because the better they are the better the team is:

“When you do “your bit” you are immune to criticism. A sort of collectively projected performance-socialism, where people are not only encouraged to do nothing more than “his bit” but are in fact discouraged from doing more because it makes team-mates look even worse” – Danish White (Glory Glory.co.uk)

Where is the zest to be a better player, Mr Bent? Why are you the better option out of the group of forwards we have?

Shut up and play up or wave your goodbye.

Of course, the ultimate way to answer the question 'What does Darren Bent do exactly?' is with another question:

Why did we buy him in the first place?