The Five Stages

Denial.

It's not two points dropped - it's a point gained at Fortress St Andrews. Chelsea got nothing there. We've got players out injured, about sixty to seventy players. We're decimated. Our defence is beyond the realms of depletion. We've got a sixth choice centre-back in there ffs people! And JD is a bit rusty what with only just returning from injury. But it's still all good. We got a point there last season too, didn't we? It's a good result. And don’t fret, Defoe will regain his sharpness soon, he's three to four games away from being fully fit. Just needs a couple more appearances on the Xtra Factor and he'll be tip top. He'll be able to beat the offside trap blindfolded, I promise you. There’s nothing wrong with our strike-force. It will come good soon. They got lucky, should have been three or four to us. Mark my words. Everything is just fine. It's dandy.

Anger.

Mary mother of Christ, why? Why damn it, why? What's the point in beating Arsenal and Liverpool and then not following it up with another win? Can we not just hold out in the final ten minutes of a game? Its ten minutes. That's ten minutes of pulling it and holding it together without collapsing. Ten minutes, it’s not exactly the length of time it took Benjamin Button to regress from an old man back into a baby. And yet we manage to turn from giants into mice the moment the clock ticks over the 80th minute mark.

Same old Tottenham. Why didn’t Harry instruct his players correctly from the dugout? What the hell does he get paid to do? All he has to do is change it, you know, do something. Formations or something clever. Or a sub or two but not a substitution that fails to make us win. The sub has to work. And if it does works then, granted, it won't be down to him, just luck, but at least the result will be in our favour.

Ten minutes left and they equalise. It's gotta be Harry and his non-existent tactics. All his previous victories against Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and City? Flukes. The lot of them. Flukes. He doesn't have a clue. Winging it. That's what he's doing. I could do his job. Sit on the bench, twitch a bit. Send a Russian on. Easy.

And Crouch, what is the point of Crouch exactly? We might as well play a ladder up front, it would probably give away fewer free kicks and is undoubtedly a better dancer. Can't head the ball, the ladder, so no difference there.

Why can't we just stick our chances away like other top top sides do? Harry really doesn't have a clue with how to make our forwards move about the pitch aptly and kick the ball in the net. Useless.

Bargaining.

Please tell me it's going to be fine? I promise to wash my lucky 1981 circa y-fronts  for the first time if we can just win two or three on the bounce. That's all I want. Just another run of games, three points a time. I promise I won't slate Jenas or Wilson or Crouchie. And no more accidental collisions with Chirpy when he's out shopping for the weekend in Tesco's. Unless he stares at me because then he's asking for a punch in his big fat stupid head. Or the back of his head when he's not looking, depends where I'm positioned to be honest. And if his wife, the skanky chicken, happens to get in the way. Self-defence your honour, self defence.

I'll sing my heart out unequivocally just for some sustained consistency and end product. We just need a defensive midfielder in there to compensate for the determent of our creative players always pushing up and the inability of our forwards to retain possession in the final third. Wasteful of the ball in areas of intent. Which results with the likelihood of dropped points because we allow the opposition a chance to claw it back. It’s cheap.

One goal is never enough, right? Or is it? No, it is. I reckon it is. If we don’t ship any in the opposite direction.

Depression.

What's the point? I can't handle this. I can't handle the expectancy and the pressure of needing us to win every game. It's just too much weight for me to carry on my shoulders. City have too much money, we can't compete, we just can't compete. In the long run we're going to lose out, so what's the bleeding point of it all if it's going to end in tears? We're gonna be crippled by the new stadium any  ways.

And Bale. Christ, we're going to sell Bale, I can feel it in my bones. Levy wants the money for his transfer kitty when we move to Stratford. Oh God no, not Stratford. I can't handle this, I don’t want to handle any of it. Just want peaceful tranquillity. This is just too much. We didn't even get a club shop dvd of the 3-2 win at the swamp. The Arsenal fans were right, it doesn't count. It doesn't count! Should have been a dvd! Ah damn you! God damn you all to hell!

And St Andrews. 1-1, when it should have been 1-0. I'd rather not experience this ilk of low. I wish we were mid-table going nowhere again. That type of hurt, it's hurt I can live with. Its gentle hurt, not losing three on the trot is 'good form' type of hurt. We're rubbish but its okay we're rubbish. Like West Ham. That type of disappointment, that type of expected disappointment, it's easier to cope with.

One clean sheet in twenty-two. One clean sheet in twenty-two. How's this title winning form? We might not be bottom but we should be. This is an unmitigated disaster. I'm taking the toaster to the bathroom. Oh Christ, I forgot to pay the electricity bill. I hate you Tottenham.

Acceptance.

It's going to be fine. We've been here before haven't we? We drew, it's not like we lost. We drew up at Everton last season, that was a far worst result but it didn't matter in the end. We learnt from it. We've got a patched up defence coming off one of the best weeks in our recent history, qualifying for the Champions League with a game to spare. Not much Harry could have done tactically. Gone more defensive? Killed the game off? Perhaps. But if the Brummies had scored after a tactical change by the gaffer he'd have been slated for not being positive enough had he gone defensive. If Pav had knocked one in we'd all be laughing now. Mistakes, individual mistakes are hardly the fault of the manager. Need to be clinical up top. Then manager will be deemed a genius.

Dropped points might catch up with you by the end of the season but then again it probably won't when others are dropping points but I guess had we picked up points when we needed to we could have placed down a marker and pushed onwards because if we win and others don't then we've got an advantage but it's hardly as convincing as when we drop points and they win. When that happens we're in masses of trouble. So what will be will be. We'll end up where we deserve to end up. Much like last season.

5th spot currently. Six points off the top. Three points off the Champions League places. Yes, yes, all good. 1-1 draw with Birmingham just another reminder of what needs to be fixed if we're going to progress to the next level:

Clean sheets. Defence needs to be consistent. Midfield bossing the tempo and dictating play - i.e. shut up shop, kill the game off with controlled possession. Do not invite the opposition to come a knocking on the door. Forwards holding up the ball intelligently and finishing off chances, clinically.

Easy. Jot it down on a clipboard.

Next up, Chelsea. It's up to Harry to navigate us through the game to victory using Cerebro-amplified powers to man-manage our players minds and feet and result with the Prem League offering us four points for the win.

Patience, it's the key. Missing players returning, the January window opening. I can wait. Patience. I promise I've got patience in abundance. We're not doing all that shabby all things considering. I can wait. Just a bit longer. We're almost there. I'm in the departure lounge. Just waiting for the delayed outgoing flight to be scheduled for boarding. Got my ticket. Not long now, not long. One way ticket to the that bit of land just beyond the promised land.

It’s going to be fine.

Faith. Keeping it.

Massively.

Fix Bayonets Men! Follow Me To Glory!

Away to Birmingham. Remember this fixture last season? Should have won, conceded late on. Felt dejected at the final whistle, the loss of two points a body blow leaving us winded but hardly down and out. I'd be equally despondent if we drop points again. That marker we keep toying with, it's on the table. It just needs to be pushed inwards a little more. Don't want it falling off.

Birmingham followed by Chelsea, with Twente sandwiched in the middle and then a potential banana skin away to Blackpool before the post-Christmas fixture list snows down on us.

I love this time of year. The games, they come thick and fast. Equally so do the points if we're on top of our form and more so the momentum gained in a short space of time that could elevate us into a lofty position that makes the opening of the transfer window in January one of lip-licking excitement.

Time to apply the pressure on those around us.

Consolidation is only a possibility if we have something to build on which is stronger than just a foundation of hope and promise. Intent and end product. Forgetting Europe, we've won three successive games in the league and we're unbeaten in four. We continue to claw back victory from the jaws of defeat. We continue to perceiver with the loss of key players. There's spirit in this side. And whenever you think (and others hope) we are heading for a crisis we don't. Because that's not our bag any more. Crisis is a strong word, but these days it's altogether a different animal. Remember what a crisis was? We'd not win for five or six games playing dejectable calamity stricken football with our players falling over in their ballet shoes as they whisper to each other, 'I can do it too with Kandoo' whilst we discuss a potential new managerial appointment.

Crisis? Last time out was when we managed a lowly amount of points from a slightly pro-longed run of games. I forget the associated numbers, but I'll look on Facebook later to see if the Relegation Party has retained the finer details. The crux of it is, we were shambolic or always a couple of goals away from forcing ourselves into shambolicistic performances. No backbone and no actual template of structure. Yes Harry is very much a hug 'em type of man-manager. Gets the best out of players, plays them in their best positions and strives to strike a  chord with their confidence so that they enjoy their football and believe in themselves and the team. It's expressive, not quite expansive - but it works. And there's continued growth in the side if you look at mentality and focus.

Okay so hands up I admit like you would that this season has been erratic. But an erratic Spurs side of the past would find its self mid-table and unlikely to muster up, say, sixteen points from a losing position. Not that we should be using a team of old as a a gauge of progression. We've been mislead in the past way too often. The standards we set and achieve today should then be placed aside as we continue to improve further. Enjoy pockets of success (beating Arsenal away and ending the run of 68 games against traditional Top 4 opposition by throwing shirts into the stands) but then move on. Don't dwell. Learn from it and then deem it as a non-importance whilst new challenges are tagged with 'seek and destroy'.

A relentless hunger. Is what we should have. Harry having words with Bale over his handshake with an enemy player in the NLD speaks volumes. It might be an obvious characteristic of the teams who have spent the last couple of decades ahead of us, but its something we've lacked. Bite. Selfishness. Preservation of ones self above and beyond anything. We don't quite have that killer instinct. Not yet.

I'd wager you'd have to be a pretty awful coach not to be able to get this Spurs side to do well. Be it clipboard or no clipboard, Harry's approach (get Sherwood, Ferdinand, Parks etc to coach players in groups based on position with Bond and Jordan strutting their stuff on the training pitch) then tell them pre-game in dressing room to run around a lot and kick it in the net might be the most non-illustrious but effective display of keeping it simple tactics the Prem has ever witnessed. But he's not - as some have suggested - winging it. This is top tier football, not pub landlord on the touchline on a frosty morning over at Hackney Marshes.

We have shaped up plenty of times this season to deal with the opposition at hand and have also re-shaped when necessary to combat in-game dynamics. There is so much a manager can get out of his players with expression birthed from confidence. Although there is something very Tottenhamesque about just going out there and playing football, even if it's a giddy mixture of swashbuckle and caviller with heavy doses of dramatic twists and turns. Imagine if Harry was 10% more shrewd. But then we need to keep pinching ourselves and remember this is a new age Spurs. We are surfing high on a learning curve rather being water boarded in another transitional drowning session.  

It's easy to be critical because you can easily find yourself susceptible to the weight of expectancy. I said a pretty awful coach you'd be if you failed to get something from this current Spurs squad. What I meant was - we have an abundance of quality players who we can depend on. We look good on paper and just as good on the pitch. So it's a case of managing them and not over-complicating matters. And with each passing game a new obstacle is overcome and a new character trait is added to our ever growing goody bag of colourful traity sweets. No choking here. No sucking either. Just delicious crunchy delights.

You can’t become a winner if you don't win. I know that's the king of understatements but it's obvious that Tottenham have to mature from plucky defiant soldiers to eye of the tiger warriors using the blood of their left for dead opponents as war paint for the next battle. War is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. Someone once said.

That's why even if we are stepping up to score last minute goals and winning from losing positions - it all counts. And it will all level out to something more controlled because it has to if we want more out of all this gradual progress. I'm certain it will level out to something stronger in time. The fact that a crisis these days is when we drop a couple of points or don't play too well but still win is a statement of progression. Yeah sure it's not open bus parade territory just yet, but let's remember how paralysing the past decade or so has been for everyone outside the monopoly.

Keep it simple.

Birmingham don't score that many at home. We should avoid thinking about Tuesday. Attack 'em.

I want that marker super-glued to the table.

If you're going to the game on Saturday...

Make sure you go to the toilet before you enter the ground. Or just hold it in.

<you tube video removed>

I'm also hoping the only fireworks we see are on the pitch, firing out of the boots of our players. Woof.

Enjoy your breakfast. Match preview and other rambles later on.

EDIT: The original video has been removed, and if you're wondering it was a short vid of the away toilets at St Andrews, in a sorry state. More messy than Real Madrid's defence on Monday evening. Which renders this article next to useless, so I'll attempt to save it by retaining some toilet humour with this (you'll have seen it already but it's the best I can muster up this early in the morning).