The money shot that never came
Monday, March 21, 2011 at 12:06PM Spurs 0 West Ham 0
It would be easy to tag our attack with the label clearly stating ‘limp’ in big bold capitals. I’d rather not be that obvious. In this instance, I’d prefer to compare Spurs with a male porn star filming on set in LA (or Florida if you prefer) able to sustain wood for a prolonged period even with the countless stoppages and artistic direction. At no point faltering and no flaccid moments to bring filming to a stop. Limp? Hardly, much like Spurs, especially in terms of our effortless movement and offensive intent.
Now the analogy has to be stretched here a little.
The porn star scores several times during the duration of production. But there is only the one money shot. In Tottenham’s case, for all our hard work and poking around it’s not half as fun for us if we get to the end and there’s no shuddering climax. It would be akin to the porn star failing to deliver the most important act of his working day. It would deem everything that built up to that moment as a rather redundant and pointless exercise, for him personally. It will cause on set friction of a different kind.
On Saturday, Spurs resembled that hassled, overly eager and ultimately despairing porn star unable to fulfil and complete the work he's been paid to do. Plenty of swagger and winks to the camera. But no closure. No lingering camera shot and fade out. At White Hart Lane it felt like a session with the fluffer post lights camera action rather than on-set sweating under the lights. It lacked the required relief and that outpouring sigh of ecstasy.
Now if this was a porn movie, someone else would walk onto set and take the role of delivering said money shot, in the knowledge that expert editing in the studio later that day will make it all look seamless. Sadly there is no such cameo to facilitate into this disturbing analysis at this point of the match review. Equally so, if you’re going to ask who West Ham would be in this fantasy, I’d probably opt for Belladonna. Not particularly good looking and usually resembling a complete mess by the end of it, on this occasion frustrating the leading man and the viewers that prefer not to witness a sadistic fetish involving no penetration.
0-0. No money shot. And no satisfaction when the credits roll.
I recently said we could not afford to drop any more home points. Oops. We lost our buffer when losing to Blackpool and drawing at Wolves – meaning that when we play the likes of Chelsea and City and Arsenal (Liverpool too) – these will be must win games. If you look at the table, City are not that far ahead of us (closer thanks to their loss at Stamford Bridge). It’s not impossible, just that we’ve lost plenty of points that would have gone a long way in aiding the fight for fourth. But alas, our way remains the hardest way. As per usual.
There were plenty of positives along with one or two moments of despondent shrugs and waving of hands in disbelief. The perfect illustration of so near and yet so far. It almost resembled the template of game we experienced at the start of the campaign against City. A massive dollop of possession and some guilt edged chances along with unwanted appearances from the woodwork and in-form opposition keeper.
What went wrong this time?
We lined up with a formation that was hardly necessary considering this was at the Lane and against West Ham United (with no disrespect to the East Londoners). No need to over complicate matters with one up top when two would have worked fine. Not that we struggled to get into goal scoring positions. Even with van der Vaart deeper than Linda Lovelace*. Unless you believe that was part of the strategy to dominate the midfield.
*yes, I’ve done that joke before, but felt it relevant enough to spit out once more
For all our wonderful to look at passing and possession, shifting play from left to right, attacking the channels and playing through the middle – it was balanced out with heads turning away in disbelief. Thirty one attempted shots at goal. That’s a lot of head turning.
Defoe was unlucky today. I felt that he only needed a further forty-seven shots on goal himself before finding the net. Two things here, condolences for his very recent loss. It’s a tricky one to gauge with regards to his concentration and composure being completely in synch with the game and not disturbed (even ever so slightly) with off field matters. He had no problem wearing his ‘100’ t-shirt underneath his Lilywhite colours which will need a spin wash before the next game. I'd hazard a guess that his head was in the game. His feet however were not. I won’t dwell on this too much longer other than to say: he should have scored. The Lennon effort off the woodwork the prominent miss. His other goal-sight fluffs seemed to lack the belief of his brace at Wolves.
Modric was his usual class act self. Covers so much ground and is practically involved in everything. His passing is majestic and his movement irresistible. Scott Parker was West Ham’s bright spark, a Jermaine Jenas with a sat nav. Bale still requires another game or two before he’s back at full pelt. Let’s hope International Break does not strike him down. van der Vaart should not have played. He’s not fit and as cited, this was a game that could have done with a more traditional set-up in formation. Rafa seemed to morph into a dizzy Robbie Keane, lost in the midst of midfield with no apparent link-up play with the single forward. The mechanics here needed oiling. The engineer out to lunch.
I was happy with the rest. Gomes alert and Sandro bruising and brilliant. Although Corluka seemed to struggle with a nosebleed the further up the field he travelled which saw some dizzying mis-placed passes.
Lack of cutting ruthless edge in front of goal our bane once more. In a season where most of the top sides are struggling with their demons, it’s worth highlighting that we’re not doing that much wrong. Other than perhaps making it far more difficult for ourselves in the long term by not pulling that trigger against opposition that we should be beating. Nobody in terms of assured quality from the back to the front is taking the league by the scruff of the neck. Hopefully we don’t come off fifth best in this wacky race.
Dawson, Lennon, Defoe, Bale, couple of Modric shots – all efforts that left you scratching your head mumbling ‘one of those days’ a cliché you just knew would rear its head in the post-match interviews. Harry made some fundamental mistakes in selection. But regardless, he can hardly remote control the players once they're out on the pitch.
It was still a cracking game, for the neutral. And City fans. And even easy on the eye for us, mostly. And let’s not pretend that West Ham didn’t have a chance to steal it. That’s a West Ham team that would have gladly taken a point at the start of play. That's how they set themselves up. They held it together, rode their luck, failed to take their chances but never allowed themselves to be over-run. They retained discipline. Relegation fodder? Not on this form. We'll never know how they'd have reacted if we managed to score. Shame we didn't win, what with City losing on Sunday. A point gained then?
Let’s conclude with a positive. Our football has rediscovered it's free-flowing form and we’re looking creative again. Bad luck and bad finishing the spoiler. That’s a negative, isn’t it? I’ve actually finished on a negative. Sorry. I did try not to.
I will therefore end on the porn star analogy that began this match report. What with us failing to deliver the money shot, we could have facilitated and edited things a little by introducing a smouldering cameo Croatian from the watching flank for that final necessary jolt and essential conclusion to the story arc rather than sticking with pizza delivery boys who forgot the mayo. Sadly, the director ignored this possible saving grace and will probably need to add CGI to make amends. Don’t expect to find the DVD on any top shelf any time soon.
Reader Comments (25)
one of the fairer reports i have read, minus the usual 'we should have done this or that or bought him in january, etc which is so easy to do in hindsight. It was a very good performance but of course i can understand the frustration at only getting a point. Hopefully though this will make spurs fans a little more realistic in what they should 'expect'. We should all expect effort, that was most certainly there and we should expect skill & passion, that too was there but you cannot expect to win any game and you cannot expect to finish top 4 again. That is the crucial difference bewteen the majority of spurs fans who understand this and the moronic few who 'expect' us to win every game and be in the top 4 every season. Harry's comments after the game were spot on.
Porn analogies and Tottenham. Only in spookyworld. Fair comments made, probably more pro-Spurs than some of the other reports I've read which basically hang Harry out to dry.
I thought we were mostly superb just lacking that final bit.
It's funny, especially after Jim's post, I'm not usually one to harp on about what could have been or what we should have done but when you look at how resurgent Liverpool have become after a bit of investment in January, you can't help but wonder...
I´m only 13 and scarred for life.
Brilliant write up, has to be to include money shots and Belladonna.
Our strikers are crap I aint going to tell you any different, they should all be shipped out end of.
But what I would say is why do keepers tend to have such amazing games against us, Al-Habsi for Wigan when we lost 1-0 was MOTM, Kingston for Blackpool MOTM when we lost 3-1, Green yesterday....these 3 are generally poor keepers who perform amazingly against us.
I personally feel the best strikers give keepers no chance but I dont know if thats being harsh.
Levy will pay for this he has been tight and tried to get champions league football without spending and now that could come back to bite him, he must be getting fed up with that midget Defoe as much as us.
I dont feel Redknapp cares, he wants the England job and his focus is on the Champions League because it wil look better on his cv, finishing 4th means more for the clubs progression but he will say we are over-achieving and refer to us being bottom when he took over again, which is a valid point but what other spurs fan would persist with Defoe. The only player I think can get us goals is Niko Krancjar try him up top
Beauty analogy Spooky. Especially the ending, with the Croatian cameo.
We played like the team I coach in the summer. Pass the hell out of teams, lots of chances, good movement, but no finish. Harry needs to take the lads into some old school finishing drills. Should have gone straight 4-4-2 against the Hammers, probably would have made a difference. In the end, just couldn't deliver.
Spooky you make references to porn stars well we have just failed to satisfy our fans once again against the bottom three and the desperate. The funny thing is they all start with W West Ham Wigan Wolves could this mean wankers or could it be desperate people do desperate things just like our rivals Captain did when he swallowed his wife' no not her ******but Slimming capsules because of his weight problems his ex manager Wenger said with a sly grin he would never take drugs to help is team keep Spurs out of fourth and he only wanted to lose weight. This coming from a man whose team are the lightest and cover the most miles except Barcelona is a glowing reference.. You wont get me worrying about firing blank and satisfying me with our exciting football my worry is stopping the Toures from swallowing slimmers to stop us scoring with energised stamina way above there normal ability and that Spooky is hard core pornand we have this infront of us and at the rear with the top dogs of carrageherrised energy Bunnies Liverpool
'a Jermaine Jenas with a sat nav'
...and a spine.
I wonder how Kranjcar feels sitting on the bench having come on in the few chances he's had and single handedly winning 2 games from similar situations. I suppose that's also the fans' fault, as is the club ignoring the basics like having a forward who can score goals, eh Jim?
What would be funny is for JD to score a brace for England.
Funny in that 'Jesus Christ' kind of way.
At least it might up his value when we get shot of the dozy twat.
"Harry's comments after the game were spot on" only in illustrating that, mentally, our manager has left the building. And while I don't think we should win every game, West Ham at home should certainly be doable.
Maybe a little bird has had a word in his shell-like and harry thinks the England job is coming sooner rather than later but the below comments are indicative of someone who truly can't be arsed anymore and resents anyone suggesting he should be:
Redknapp, though, was riled at talk of a missed opportunity in relation to a top-four finish. "Yeah, Tottenham always used to finish above Man United, Chelsea and Liverpool … they get in every year," he said, sarcastically. "If we finish fifth and reach the Champions League quarter-finals … what can you do? I will not lose any sleep over it. Are we really supposed to finish about Man City, after the money they have spent?"
Sounds like as far as he is concerned, the season is over. Newsflash: we've finished fifth twice in the last five years, doing it again this year is not exactly an historical achievement. Yes, Harry, we really are supposed to finish above Man City. Just like we finished above Liverpool last year. It's called ambition. And if you don't have it anymore, then quit and let someone who does have ambitions for Tottenham Hotspur take over.
Looking back on this season, we've discussed many times about how we were dropping points too easily and we would need to find that next level. Amazing we haven't found that level and yet we're still in there. That's not an excuse - it's another example that within all the positives there is something that still needs to be glued together, rather than using sticky tap.
I like Harry, he's done wonders. But it's not half the impossible task he makes it out to be at times. But then that's his style, to make it look like a miracle.
Your phrase ' guilt edged chances' says it all - really it should be gilt but your version is more apt.
Not nice to knock someone when he's down but Defoe was mouthing off in the papers this week about leaving if he didnt get first team football and was wearing his 100 goals shirt. I wish he'd let his goals do the talking.
On this occasion that wasn't a spelling mishap. Thanks for noticing.
JD went back to his 'thinking too hard for a forward' routine rather than just instinctively reacting. Seemed to be on the outside looking in too often when in front of goal.
I didn't see the game - listened to it on the radio whilst driving a cranky 2 year old around to get him to sleep...
Sounded like Pav made a difference when he came on...
Defoe must go! Pav did well when he came on, linking midfield and attack nicely as well as playing 2 lovely through balls to Defoe who should have scored from both.
Redknapp needs to stop mouthing off to the media, just because he haven't succesful over the last decade or 2 doesn't mean we shouldn't expect to finish above City/Chelsea etc, when we spent big along with Newcastle do you think Wenger and Fergie thought "oh, we can't expect to finish above Spurs now!"??????
Do your job!
Pav was okay mainly because in comparison he was so much better than a very below par Defoe.
Roman should be given a prolonged chance. But he wont be given that opp.
"Yes, Harry, we really are supposed to finish above Man City. Just like we finished above Liverpool last year. It's called ambition. And if you don't have it anymore, then quit and let someone who does have ambitions for Tottenham Hotspur take over."
Yes ziegemonster, my sentiments entirely. Personally, I find his sarcasm embarrassing.
Harry on his bosum-buddy Jose...
"It will be good to see him. I think he was amazing for English football when he came, a fantastic coach, great manager and a real personality," the Spurs boss told a news conference.
"He lit the Premier League up in the time he was here as well as winning the (English) championship. He's a great personality, has great knowledge. Look what he did to win the Champions League twice."
Ah-hm, methinks his brown-nosing is better than his sarcasm
why is it when spurs players state before a game what we are capable of etc it always backfires the next game?...keep sharp ..keep quiet ....keep winning......keep in europe next year!
I wonder what Martin Jol would have achieved, had he had the players Redknap has. But one thing is for sure, he was more intune with us and totally loyal to us. Jol was always for the club and fans, he was our godfather, and never sarcastic to the media.
Amen to that, Koko61, amen. The British media loved Martin Jol, but he never mocked the ambition of the fans to excuse his own failures nor denigrated his own players to get cheap laughs.
There were spurs fans who complained about him too.
Everyone chill. Redknapp is playing it up with his soundbytes, I'd be suprised if he meant any of it. His ambition is for Spurs to finish above everyone and is doing a brilliant job so far, give him a break!
I can't say I have enjoyed watching Spurs in the past 25 years as much as I do now!!..and we all sound the same. Complain about this and that. Chill out!
We all know we'll finish 4th after beating Arsenal and City.
I love Spurs so God damn frickin much.
I was up at 5 thinking about Modric. Again!