Weekend round-up

The less said about Dawson's handball the better. Had he not 'touched it', then Ronney would have scored anyhow. Cerny also looking to allow Robbo in with a chance to reclaim his place. Embarrassing error on his part for the third. 3-1 wasn't reflective of the performance, but once more we come out short at OT. Both sides playing open football and always looking to attack, and us being wasteful with the odd chance that could have seen us take the game to a reply. It's another run of games (lack of wins) that we need to end. Maybe next season. No? OK. Season after next. It was not too shabby this time round, just that extra bit of concentration on their part (i.e. no errors) saw them through. In fact, minus the 3rd goal and the final quarter of an hour and we pretty much controlled the game, with Jenas pulling the strings in midfield with some comfort. Bit more quality in key positions and maybe it will be 'next season'.

Woodgate has had his medical. But apparently Boro have now accepted a 3rd bid.....from Arsenal. Looks like they have their 5-1 revenge ready to hurt us.

Gilberto is on his way. Another player who has had his medical. And there's still a possibility that Hutton will sign pre-transfer window closure.

If all 3 join, that's the defence sorted. But still no defensive midfielder.

4 days left now. Still waiting on Comolli. Interesting article earlier in the week (in the Indy, I think) that covered a Ramos interview where he basically stated he had rejected 6 potential targets. Good to hear that signings are not being made over and above the manager. So if we do sign someone, we are signing someone the manager accepts as good enough player. So, no more Kabouls. That's a bonus.

Comolli Statement

Once again, we have reached that time of year where there is a great deal of press speculation linking us with players from all around the world.

Sporting Director Damien Comolli noted: “The majority of the reports that I have read are completely wide of the mark. I feel it is important to clarify a couple of things that are unhelpful - namely that reports that Darren Bent is for sale are totally inaccurate and, furthermore, we are not in the market for any strikers.”

As always, we should like to remind our supporters that our official channels – website tottenhamhotspur.com and mobile service spurs(((mobile))) - will carry informed, accurate and timely information as and when it is appropriate to do so.

The above is from the official site.

Ok. So basically everything relating to Fred is pure fabrication. Thought I'd clarify that for everyone. No bids from Spurs. Lyon and his agent are liars. Fred is a liar. Spurs have made no attempt to sign him. Not easy is it, following transfer dealings. Bit like an episode of Lost.

The deal didn't complete, dead in the water, so suddenly it never happened. Why even bother making this statement. Who cares if the player decided against a move? Why focus attention back on us? Typical Spurs, eh?

Downing

My question is, does Ramos know who Stewart Downing is? Does he know what type of player he is? Is he a Levy/Comolli signing or has our new manager had some input on this? I wonder how the conversation went....

Comolli: Hi. I got a player for you.

Ramos: A central defender?

Comolli: No.

Ramos: Another right-back? A central defender?

Comolli: No. No.

Ramos: Defensive midfielder?

Comolli: Nope.

Ramos: Keeper!!! Keeper!!!

Comolli: No.

Ramos: Please, not another...how do you say....sarding...

Comolli: ...sodding...

Ramos:.....sodding striker.

Comolli: No.

Ramos: What? What do you have?

Comolli: A left winger.

Ramos: Riiiiiight. That is exactly what we need this moment. Good thinking. Who?

Comolli: Downing.

Ramos: dos Downing? Mexican?

Comolli: Nope. From Middlesbrough.

Ramos: (laughs) Oh, you are serious. What are his abilities?

Comolli: He cant beat a man, will never be world-class, sometimes inconsistent but can cross the ball. Will frustrate fans.

Ramos: Ok. A squad player. For backup?

Comolli: No. First teamer. Big signing.

Ramos: How much for this Drowning?

Comolli: £12M. More if we can get Boro to take the money.

Ramos: You are fucking shit at your job, do you know that?

Comolli: Your English has improved.

Ramos: Call me a taxi.

Levy: The Trilogy - Part II

COMOLLI/JOL

Slick. Blame the man you hired if the hiring of the new manager fails. Just hope nobody notices that you hired the man who hired the manager. Yes, our beloved and glorious chairman has now distanced himself from potential failure. If Juande Ramos doesn’t achieve the required success (4th spot – how I miss the days of aiming for actual silverware) then Damien Comolli will most likely lose his job. Which would put us in a position of having no Director of Football or manager, meaning Levy would have to hire a new DoF who would then have to recommend a new manager. You keeping up with this? Here’s the quotage:

"Damien recommended Juande Ramos, so clearly he would have to take responsibility if it didn't work. I have every confidence it will work.

Virtually every club in Spain has a sporting director. We want a coach who specialises in getting the best out of players, which means making the team selections and making all the tactical decisions. What the sporting director does is take a lot of the pressure off the manager.

They can go on scouting missions and be in charge of scouts. They also have to be in charge of the medical department and the academy, and it is impossible for one person to do everything to the best of their ability”

So, blame Comolli if it goes pear-shaped. Again. Something I’m struggling with though is the fact that apparently Comolli is there to ‘take the pressure off the manager’ and go on scouting missions. All well and good, but how will the manager not feel under pressure if he goes out and buys us another Zokora of Kaboul? Ramos won’t stand a fucking chance.

Seems that Levy already has a ready-made excuse.

Then we have the ‘dig’ at Jol. Not unheard of the rumour concerning Jol flirting with other clubs while at Spurs. Apparently Jol ‘went for two jobs’ while in charge at Spurs. Though ‘went for’ doesn’t tell us whether he had actual interviews and rejected or was rejected. Does paint the big man in a different colour if any truth is to be had in these allegations. The same article mentions that Levy can not guarantee that Berbatov would remain at the club after the Jan transfer window. Though there is no actual quote for this one, so I’ll dismiss it until someone points me in the direction of something more substantial.

So, what we have here is the old ‘lets stab him in the back before he stabs us in the back’ scenario. Don’t know what the problem is tbh. He went for the Newcastle job. That doesn’t really count.

Levy: The Trilogy - Part I

THE EGM

You know what it’s like. You’re standing at a bus stop waiting for ages and then three come along at the same time. It’s been a little quiet from Mr Chairman recently, quotes wise. We’ve had the leakage of the alleged new Spurs stadium (plans have been drafted and fired across to the council). Would seem that rebuilding WHL and having to ground share is the most likely outcome. Then Levy gives us three shots of Levyisims.

• The EGM
• Comolli and Jol Blast
• An interview with a member of Glory Glory

I’m going to work through all three.

First up, The EGM – which took place on Monday 25th Nov at 2pm. Below, with comments.

Before we start on the official business I should like to say a few words to the meeting.

We have much to be optimistic about going forward and that is what I wish to concentrate on today. We have made changes recently in order to strengthen our position in several areas. This is a dynamic business and as such we have to constantly respond to changing circumstances, some within, but many outside, of our control.

Translated. 'We fucked up and humiliated the club publicly in the past so let’s not dwell on my personal mistakes and just brush it all under the carpet because the future is bright and any potential mistakes I will make going forward haven’t happened yet'.

Have to give him credit for the ‘dynamic business’ explaination, with a slight nod to ‘some within’ and ‘many outside’, in reference to control. Some within? How about all of them within? The fire is started by the man holding the matches.

As a result, these last three months have been testing times for us all. Both the Club and I personally have endured much criticism. We have absorbed much blame – very little of which was justified with facts. But we elected not to respond and rather to hold our counsel. We took the clear decision that we would not discuss private matters in public and we did this in the long-term interests of the Club and all parties involved.

I should now like to take this opportunity to once again thank Martin Jol, Chris Hughton and Hans Segers and wish them well in their future careers.

Again, this is textbook. Deny everything, sometimes with silence, sometimes with carefully constructed propaganda. I mean, come on. To state that discussing private matters in public is something the club did not do is hilarious considering the Kemsley/Ramos fiasco. If that's not publicly telling the world something is amiss at the club, I don’t know what is, whether you meant it or not. As for all the media coverage that followed, what do you expect from the tabloids finest? They never print the truth in its entirety, as distortion makes for better reading. You handled the whole affair with a distinct lack of class, playing into the hands of the media.

Nice touch with the ‘thank yous’. Magnanimous.

We have a new and respected coaching team and I look forward to introducing Juande to you after the formal proceedings today and for you to hear his thoughts on the remainder of the season.

The performance of the business means that we retain the ability to invest and, in respect of players on long contracts, we have no need to sell. It is noteworthy that all key players are on long-term contracts with the exception of Jermain Defoe, who has expressed publicly that he wants to remain at the club and I put it on record that we want him to stay.

The mention of ‘he wants to remain at the club’ is ominous. Sol Campbell anyone? The fact that Jermain’s agent is Sky Andrews should tell you everything you need to know about the situation. There’s no doubt that the player is doing the right thing from his own personal perspective. He doesn’t play every game, he doesn’t start every game. He could do so at another club. Fact is, he’s a bit shit. He hasn’t developed over the past 3 or 4 years suggesting he lacks the required footballing brain to become International class (yet alone world class). And with money being one of the main priorities of the modern day footballer, with Andrews’s guidance, why not seal a move away and earn a fair amount on the way? LOL, I said ‘earn’.

Defoe has to sign before the Jan transfer window, or he’ll be sold.

I should also like to correct newspaper reports that have existed, despite my denials, that ENIC has agreed to sell its shareholding in the Club. For nearly 7 years we have, I believe, moved this Club forward, but have had to endure constant speculation from those who would seek to detract from what we are achieving. For the record yet again, no offer has been made for the Club during my time here, not even by Roman Abramovich as was so incorrectly reported.

This year sees us report record financial results. TV, sponsorship, retail, ticket and corporate hospitality revenues have all contributed to an increase of 39% in turnover and good management of the business has seen profits rise to 31% of turnover. We have continued to upgrade the Ticket Office and this has now been relocated to Paxton Road. Service levels are critical in this area of the business and it is important that we continuously evaluate and raise standards of delivery. We have centralised customer service and this has been well received – we shall, however, continue to seek further improvements.

Yes, yes. You’re rich. We get it. Bagel sells alone in the West Stand should help pay for its renovation.

Investment and work on valuable community-based projects through the Tottenham Hotspur Foundation continues to go from strength to strength. In conjunction with our application for the Training Centre at Bulls Cross is a commitment to deliver a 10 year outreach programme within the local community worth in excess of £2.3m.

We currently have a minimum of one player per week attending a community event in areas local to the club and our facilities. It is a tremendous commitment not only by your club, but also by the First Team and Academy players who derive a genuine benefit and enjoyment from this aspect of their footballing lives. It is also a much valued and appreciated service to the communities.

Earlier this month we also launched our Spurs Learning Zone – a dedicated state of the art facility located here at the stadium, that will host daily classes of up to 30 local children, providing them with access to cutting edge information, communication, podcasting and digital editing technologies - a resource much welcomed by our local council.

Not only as a football club, but as a business in general, the level, quality and effect of our contribution to communities and good causes, is outstanding and sets us apart. We should recognise this and be rightly proud.

I have nothing sarcastic to say on this. Other than the £8M spent on Kaboul could have gone to the Spurs Learning Zone. Bit more value for money.

Looking to our capital expenditure projects - In respect of the stadium I can report, as promised in January, that we have refined our options. At this stage, as I am sure you will understand, it would be commercially inappropriate to discuss these in further detail. To date, Matthew Collecott and I have directed the project and we are making substantial progress. Last week we added to our project team with the appointment of Paul Phillips, who will be the project manager on a day-to-day basis. Paul has a proven track record in delivering complex stadium solutions and was the project leader on the Emirates Stadium.

We should all be conscious of the fact that we face significant hurdles and disadvantages in our search for an optimum solution to increased capacity. For example, with our current location, we do not have inherent land values in Tottenham that could drive enabling development and regeneration. Additionally, the Olympics is taking significant public funds out of the public purse which could assist with any major schemes. There is no easy option for us but we are determined to find a solution. We shall announce our preferred option in the first half of 2008.

Please be assured that your Board is applying the same vigour and determination towards achieving a successful outcome on this capital project as we did for the Training facility and I am pleased to be able to report good news on that now.

I hope we don’t leave WHL. I’m willing to wager we don’t, though ground sharing with West Ham makes me taste vomit every time I think about it. I’m sure everyone will know the final decision before the official announcement. Just keep an eye out for bit torrent links in Spurs forums. One thing I will say. If we remain at WHL, for the love of all things transporty, please give us an underground station within minutes of the stadium. Fucking bribe someone if you have to.

We achieved a terrific step forward with future plans when earlier this month Enfield Council Planning Committee voted to grant planning permission for our Football Training Centre – a combined First Team and Academy facility - at Bulls Cross, Enfield. We were absolutely delighted with this outcome, the culmination of years of hard work and determination by a dedicated in house team and external consultants. The application will now pass to the Mayor of London and the Government Office for London for final approval.

I shall now ask James Budd of architects KSS to make a brief presentation on an overview of the scheme.

Thank you James.

As you can see it is an outstanding facility – the creation of a world class First Team and Academy training facility set on over 60 acres and we have now achieved an important first step towards realising this vital project for the Club. It will be instrumental in attracting the best young talent and afford our current squad state of the art facilities in which to train over the season.

See. Bribes do work. As for attracting the best young talent, doubt we can compete with Wenger and his world wide circle of friends. When was the last time Spurs developed and progressed ‘young talent’ into a prominent role in the first team? Ledley King? Not exactly West Ham’s academy is it?

Our Academy is already home to some of the most outstanding young talent in the country. When much has been said about the need to nurture young home grown English talent, you can be proud that your Club boasts no fewer than 8 academy players in the England youth teams. Additional to this are a further 8 players who represent their countries at youth international level. The Club now has a total of 34 international players and 7 full England internationals.

I stand corrected. We already have the talent. I await to see if Pekhart, Dixon, Parret and company ever make it pass the reserves. Our youth players always get a big shout in the match day programmes but then end up at Orient on loan. Then sold to Hull or someone of equal standing. As for 34 international players, you’ve included Ghaly in that total, haven’t you, you cheating dog? And at this current moment in time, having 7 England internationals is really nothing to shout about. Especially as the only one who would stand a chance of a consistent place in the team is King, and he’s injured.

We shall keep you informed as we progress the Training Centre project – our current timetable aims for completion in the summer of 2010 but I would stress once again that there are still further stages to be passed in the next few months and we should also expect opposition to continue. I would ask that you continue to give it your support as we progress through those stages.

In closing, I should like to thank everyone at the Club for their contribution to last season's success and to the Club's supporters for their magnificent support. This year we celebrated our 125th Anniversary – a notable landmark for a great football club – but equally important that we now look ahead with confidence and ensure that glory is not a term used only to recall events from the past. We have much happening now that will impact greatly on our future.

Thank you

Believe me. We won’t be forgetting our 125th Anniversary in a hurry. It’s been a notable landmark alright. Like the time a porn star failed to get wood with Jenna Jameson. PATHETIC AND LIMP.

‘Glory’ will always be synonymous with the past, because our success is firmly placed there. The sooner all mention of 1961 is banished from the terraces and the directors box, the better.

Comolli: Berbatov Stays / The Times: Berbatov Goes

From the club that brought you the excellent 'We Never Spoke to Ramos' and 'Martin Jol has our full support' statements, Damien Comolli proudly presents a Dont Worry Production, straight from the heart of the Lane (but failing to appear on the website in an official capacity):

"It is simply not an issue. I met with Dimitar's agent today and he assured me Dimitar is not looking for a move in January and simply wants to concentrate on helping the team push up the table.

"He is on a long-term contract with us and Juande (Ramos) sees him as an important part of our plans."

You heard the man. He will not be looking for a move in January. Yeah sure, Comolli mentions 'long term contract' but if Berbatov was planning on staying wouldn't he publicly deny the rumours? Wouldn't his agent do the same? If Spurs were confident he was not looking to move on, wouldn't Comolli clearly state 'Berbatov will not be leaving Spurs, not in January or the summer. He has a contract and he is committed to it' as means of burying the uncertainty?

No, instead he simply tells us that the player won't be looking for a move in 'January'.

"No ones looking....I could jump over and the fence....and BE FREE!!"

This is then followed up by the usual textbook tabloid/broadsheet article (no quotes or proof) that Berbatov is leaving the club and in the summer. Maybe the journo (in this case The Times Gary Jacob) has also noted Comolli's 'January' statement and gone to town on it in a creative frenzy or maybe he can put two and two together and work out the fact that there's more chance of Levy growing hair on his head than the Bulgarian remaining loyal.

For your reading pleasure, here's the article:

Dimitar Berbatov free to leave Spurs if they miss out on top four
by Gary Jacob

Dimitar Berbatov has sought assurance that he will be able to leave Tottenham Hotspur at the end of the season. Emil Dantchev, his representative, met Damien Comolli, the Tottenham sporting director, yesterday to discuss the Bulgaria forward’s future.

Berbatov has been unsettled by Tottenham’s refusal to allow him to move to Manchester United in the summer as well as his club’s poor start to the season.

United first made an approach for the forward towards the end of the last campaign, in which he scored 23 goals in his first season after his move from Bayer Leverkusen. Tottenham were unwilling to sell him, not least because supporters would have questioned their ambition after the departure of Michael Carrick, the England midfield player, to United a year before. But the club are believed to have come to a gentlemen’s agreement that he can leave for a large fee if Tottenham fail to qualify for the Champions League this season.

There is the prospect of the striker asking for a transfer in January, but Comolli says that was not on the agenda during talks yesterday. “It is simply not an issue,” Comolli said. “I met with Dimitar’s agent today and he assured me Dimitar is not looking for a move in January and simply wants to concentrate on helping the team to push up the table. He is on a long-term contract with us.”

If we miss out on Champions League football? If? LOL. Good one Gary. If.....if all the above is true then that speaks volumes for the type of man Berbatov truly is. A let down. An a-typical modern day footballer with no true heart or commitment. Tevez never sulked last season. He got on with it. And yes, he looked far far better than he actually was because he was playing in a team that were simply woeful in every possible way, but he gave 500% for his club even though he knew he was off. Berbatov has given us an epic sulk. Nothing more. Well, apart from several flicks that have led to goals from Robbo hoofs up the field. But I'm sure post-Ramos it's gonna be a bit more attractive. Whether Berbatov has a change of heart or not, remains to be seen.

Fact is, he has the power to make all the rumours and tabloid guess work go away by simply telling us, in his own words. "I'm not leaving Spurs".

So, Dimitar...anything you want to share with us?

Jol has another dig at Comolli

Regardless of what Jol is saying in the press (its all Comolli's fault for buying players he didn't want), it doesn't hide the fact that he is laying blame elsewhere while on the pitch the team fell to pieces. Yeah sure the drop to 3rd from bottom can be seen as a knock-on effect from the troubles behind the scenes but it seems Martin is hellbent on deflecting responsibility to others rather than looking at his tactical naivety, even for a second.

See how easy it is to yo-yo between differing opinions on this matter? It's well documented in other blog entries and I think now Jol should simply move on (hopefully he'll get the Ajax job at the end of the season) and let it be.

We will soon find out who has the biggest say in transfers this January. I'm sure the signings will fit into the Ramos mould. Of course, maybe Comolli has learnt a lesson or two with what's happened with Jol and will now sanction exactly what the manager needs. There's no room for error and I doubt - after the Jol farce - that DM and DL will take any risk to upset the brand spanking new error. I mean era.

Misery

Not sure where to begin.

Jol was interviewed yesterday (shown in SSN), and he stated various things that were contradictions. Like how we (Spurs) spend more time practising/training set-pieces than any other Prem club. Firstly, how would he know what other clubs do in training? And secondly, OMFG! We spend time practising set-pieces? And yet we hardly ever score from them and ALWAYS concede from them. This is like Jack the Ripper telling everyone he’s actually a great conversationalist.

Martin looked huggered. Completely defeated, his fate blatantly obvious to all. We all know he wont walk (money money money) and we know Levy has no options with who to bring in. So, the cancer continues to spread from top to bottom, from board level to first team and through to the stands where hope has disintegrated into a puddle of shit.

Is he or is he not friends with Berbatov? Who know’s. Everyone’s read about how he apparently asked Berbs 3 times to get up and warm-up. But then Berbatov has looked and acted like a stroppy bastard since pre-season so I wouldn’t blame him. Jol explained the benching down to 'saving him for Thursday'. I wonder if Defoe feels privileged to have been left at home, all in the name of the UEFA Cup.

The confusion continues to drown the memories of what it felt like to be on the up. Once more, I refer you back to the Newcastle game (yes, I have now seen it). Tactically astute is our manager and as for our players, they know exactly what their responsibility on the field should be.

Tainio: "I was surprised I was put on pitch, as I had only trained once after an injury. I went on to play on the wing - which wing it was, was a bit unclear. I think I was told to change positions four times during the match."

It’s Total Football all over again.

The Omnipresent that is Jenas continues to do what he does so well. Nothing. But to simply lay blame on his incompetence (unable to pass or hold onto the ball), to be fair, most of the team were guilty of the same inept display. Again. May as well start copy and pasting previous blog entries to save time ranting about the same thing every week. Then again, it’s therapeutic to laugh at my own misery. Helps to elevate the tragedy of the situation.

So who is exactly responsible for this mess? As manager you expect Martin to oversee and get the fundamentals right:

- Shape
- Passion
- Belief
- Fight

But there’s so much one man can do, because out on the pitch the players are producing nothing more than a Keystone classic whether home or away. Has he really become a bad manager over night? Of course not. Looking at our prima donnas you’d think they were playing to enable those relegation clauses, post haste. All is wrong and God only knows what the psychological shot in the head this will have on the club. Again, amazing how quick you can go from being ‘nearly top 4’ to utter gush. Proving that we were never nearly top 4 in the first place (blame the fans and the media on that one).

Yes we have talented players. But we have no true balance. No true leader. Key positions are weak. And talking of 'no true leader', Jol loves pointing out the fact that we have a leadership issue, but again not his fault that we spent £16M on a striker we don’t need at this current point in time. Talented players – no direction. And the same olde trend is set to be followed. We cant handle or live up to the hype.

Modern day footballers don’t tend to bust a gut for a manager on his way out. And the boards general incompetence with on the field management and football (rather than merchandising) is dragging us down. It always has. The two 5th place finishes flattered to deceive.

We sacked Graham before a semi-final. We gave Hoddle millions to spend when it would seem Levy and his pals always looked to set get rid of him in the 2004 season and did so 6 games in. Then there was Arnesen who’s advice was ignored and Levy drafted in Inspector Clouseau and his magical mystery tour bus. Nine games later he’s gone and Jol is promoted. That’s some shrewd re-structuring there, very slick. No wonder we are hot on the trails of Arsenal. Apparently that’s the reason we have a Director of Football structure at the club. We can replace a coach without upsetting the karma around WHL – and yet it seems to do the exact opposite. To further compound the fact that Levy doesn’t have a fucking clue, him and the board (including Kemsley who apparently has wanted Jol out for an age) knee-jerk after 2 league games resulting in the Ramos fiasco and this rendering our season dead.

Fact. Jol has over-achieved. The fans got a tad too excitable. The board got too Billy big-boots.

It’s summed up perfectly by this:

Levy has enjoyed popularity over the past few years because he has put up the money - but the buying policy is now under serious doubt - many people claim that Levy wanted the young English talent like Jenas and Bent - and Comolli is bringing in player after player who are not the finished article. Running a club is not just about spending money - people tipped us to break the top 4 just because we had finished 5th and then spent £40m. But look at how Allardyce and Eriksson spent their money and look at the way we spent ours.

When Levy announced we would have a DoF structure I thought who the hell is he to decide that he knows better than the boards of Man U, Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea where the manager was all powerful - but we stuck with it and by chance ended up with a good coach. But with this structure there is too much potential for conflict and I fear that as long as Levy buries his head in the sand (or refuses to fuck off) we will slip back to being the also rans of the Prem League once more.

Nothing more to add.

COMOLLI

Ring, ring..

COMOLLI: Hi.
WENGER: Hello.
COMOLLI: Mission accomplished.
WENGER: I can see. The cheque is in the post.

An alternative look at the seasons events from White Hart Lane

Summer, 2007

LEVY: Here’s £40M, spend it well.
COMOLLI: Of course I will. Have I let you down before?
LEVY: Well, I suppose Zokora hasn’t…
COMOLLI: He needs to settle! Damn it Daniel how many times do I have to explain the settling down thing! Sacré bleu!
LEVY: Just make sure Martin has the final word on all transfer targets. Don't want to get him upset. He's scary when he's angry.
COMOLLI: Of course I will consult with him. As if I would spend the clubs money without the capo’s word.
LEVY: And if you plan to travel abroad to complete any potential signings, don’t allow some skinny teenager to take photos of any new players, resulting in them appearing on forums before the official site. Be discreet at all times! Remember go incognito.
COMOLLI: Fucking hell, yes, yes. Jesus, I know what I’m doing, I use to work for Arsenal for fucks sake. Chill out. I have a disguise and an alternative name I travel under.
LEVY: Which is?
COMOLLI: Diego Ribas da Cunha.
LEVY: Catchy.

Later on…

COMOLLI: So Martin, who should we bid for? A left-winger perhaps?
JOL: No, no. We need more midfielders, lots of them. All different types. Big midfielders, small midfielders, sexy midfielders, tall midfielders, fast midfielders, slick midfielders, young midfielders....
COMOLLI: A creative midfielder?
JOL: No, no. Let’s buy a left-back instead.
COMOLLI: Ok. But we have a few already…
JOL: Yes, but not Gareth Bale. Fantastic talent. Can score precision free-kicks. I want Bale.
COMOLLI: Ok. Let me just make a note of this……Must sign Bale.
JOL: Why are you writing it on your hand?
COMOLLI: I forgot my notepad.
JOL: Yes, but in crayon?
COMILLI: I left my pencil at home. Ok, so Bale is our target. Anyone else?
JOL: We need a defender, a good one. Young, strong. Someone to cover King.
COMOLLI: You have someone in mind?
JOL: No, no. I trust you to find someone. Scout some players and let me know who you recommend we should bid for. I will give you the go-ahead if I’m happy with the video footage.
COMOLLI: Ok, so two defenders on our hit-list. A left-winger perhaps now?
JOL: No. I want you to bid for Scott Parker and Kieran Dyer and offer them a kings ransom in wages.
COMOLLI: Right, ok. Dyer and Parker.....
JOL: Haha, don’t be a mug all your life. Of course I don't want them. They are shit. I want another young player with potential. Giles Barnes perhaps, or one from the continent.
COMOLLI: Ok, I think I know someone from abroad. Boateng. Good player, bags of potential. Will be one for the future.
JOL: Good, good. I like ones for the future. They need many hugs on the touchline. I'm good at that. Hugging.
COMOLLI: Yes, sir. You are. My back is still recovering. Anyone else? Left-wing?
JOL: Darren Bent.
COMOLLI: Darren Bent?
JOL: Yes. Why not. If we are going to challenge for 4th and all cups including UEFA Cup, why not have the best strike-force in England? Bid for Bent. Levy has money coming out of his bum.
COMOLLI: Ok. So Bale, Bent and Boateng. Left-wing now? A creative midfielder?
JOL: What’s your fucking hang-up on a creative midfielder? We have Taarabt. I will play him when he's ready and he will fill the void. We can save ourselves £10M or so.
COMOLLI: And the left-wing? We need to fill that void. Petrov perhaps?
JOL: Bah, Petrov, Shevtrov. Bid for him if you want.
COMILLI: I could try for Duff again if you prefer?
JOL: Forget it! He chose Newcastle. He got away from us. Its finished. Over. He is not a target anymore. Don't tell me you are still having the nightmares? He's hardly kicked a ball for them anyway.
COMOLLI: I nearly signed him you know. If only we offered him twice as much....if only......
JOL: Just bid for Petrov. Keep the Spurssh forums distracted for a bit. He wont sign. He'll do what Duff did and go where the money is. And all this fuss about a left-winger. We came 5th twice with no left-winger.
COMOLLI: I'll get to work now.
JOL: Good, I have some personal things to do online.

(Jol boots up his PC, logs into glory-glory.co.uk and starts a thread using his alias)

WE8CAMPBELL: I have some news. Torres is on his way. Medical tomorrow, should sign end of week.

JOL: Hehe...

Politics

MIDO: What’s this?
DIETITIAN: Its lunch.
MIDO: What? This is bullshit man. Bullshit!
DIETITIAN: It’s a healthy balanced meal, it’s what all the players get.
MIDO: Fuck this shit maaan! I want a fucking cheeseburger, double cheese, double burger with extra cheese and burger and some fucking burgers with fries. And I want a diet coke to go with that!
DIETITIAN: You can’t smoke in here.

(Mido Lights up a cigar)

MIDO: Fuck you. I’m Mido. Nobody tells me what to do.
DIETITIAN: Ok, well, can you take your meal please and join your teammates.
MIDO: It’s not a meal, man, its rabbit food. I’m wasting away here! I'm skin and bones!
DIETITIAN: Damn it, every day it’s the same thing. You can’t have a frigging burger! Now please Ahmed, take a seat....
MIDO: Yeah well fuck you and fuck this club and its politics. I’m going to Birmingham.

Later…

STEVE BRUCE: Ok, so that sorts out the wages. I’m happy. Anything else?
AGENT: I think we are fine.
STEVE BRUCE: Happy days.
MIDO: Hold on.
STEVE BRUCE: Yes..?
MIDO: What do we eat?
STEVE BRUCE: You mean now? We could go for a meal to celebrate, once you sign the contract.
MIDO: I’m not signing any motherfucking contract until I know what we eat. What do you feed the players?
STEVE BRUCE: Well, its all done by a dietitian, it’s a healthy balanced…..
MIDO: Cheeseburgers?
STEVE BRUCE: Of course not.
MIDO: Fuck this shit. I’m out of here. No burgers, no deal.

And later…..

GARETH SOUTHGATE: Hi Mido, its Gareth here. Would you be interested in joining Middlesboro?
MIDO: Jesus Christ, no fucking way.
GARETH SOUTHGATE: We are happy to pay you loads of money.
MIDO: Will the money be made of burger meat?
GARETH SOUTHGATE: I suppose that can be arranged.
MIDO: DEAL!

The Sunderland Defeat

LEVY: That wasn’t good.
JOL: I know, we played shit.
LEVY: What went wrong.
JOL: We didn’t get going.
LEVY: Let’s try and get back on track.
JOL: Will try to do so. With so many players out....
LEVY: You should be fine. You've got us up and running for the past two seasons.
JOL: I know. It will be fine.
LEVY: You know the newspapers and fans are going to start to stir up the wrong type of publicity for the club?
JOL: This is England, yes?
LEVY: Well, you have my support, 110%.
JOL: That's not a vote of confidence is it?
LEVY: Technically speaking I would have to release a press statement.
JOL: How's your wife?

(Pause and stare)

LEVY: Yes, shes good. You should come...come round for dinner one night.
JOL: I think I will.

In the forums

‘This is disgraceful!’
‘What’s gone wrong?’
‘No balance – no organisation’
‘Is Jol tactically inept?’
‘Who do we need to buy to get things right?’
'Worst weekend ever'
'Why so defensive?'
'I miss Ledders!'
‘Same old Tottenham’
‘Jol's not good enough!’

The Media

SLAG01: HAHA, looks like the Hotspurs have fucked up.
SLAG02: Yeah, should be fun slagging them off for flopping so badly, and live on TV too! £40M spent and they lose to Sunderland.
SLAG01: Serves them right, their fans are so fickle. They thought they could challenge for the title.
SLAG02: Did they say that?
SLAG01: Nah, just made it up. Gonna print it too.
SLAG02: Fuck, you’re good.
SLAG01: Course I am, that’s why I’m the Sports editor.
SLAG02: Up the ‘ammers!
SLAG01: HIGH FIVE!

The Everton Defeat

LEVY: Martin?
JOL: Yes, yes. I know. But you can’t judge me on two games.
LEVY: I’m not. But we need to pick up and pick up soon.
JOL: And we will. Two 5th places on the trot. No other Spurs manager in the past 20 years can claim that, no? Two defeats can't mean anything compared to two full seasons of progression, no?
LEVY: What are doing?
JOL: We will win against Derby and it will kick start our season.
LEVY: They booed the team tonight.
JOL: They may boo from the stands but face to face, they will shit their pants. They will sing my name on Saturday. I promise you. Anyways, they were not booing me. They were booing the players. And I've had words with them. They understand their responsibilities.
LEVY: Berbatov's out injured.
JOL: Yes, but we have Bent.
LEVY: Good signing. Money well spent.
JOL: I know.

In the forums

‘He’s got to go’
‘Humiliating’
‘What’s gone wrong?’
‘Why did we buy Bent?
'Dear Mr Levy...'
‘Jol doesn’t have a clue’
‘He’s not the right person for the job’
‘How long does he have left?’
'Two defeats - is our season over?'
'No midfield, why didn't we invest better?'
'The last two years have been flushed down the toilet'

The Bookies

BOOKIE01: Bets are piling on.
BOOKIE02: One little white lie and were in the money.
BOOKIE01: Farking mugs! Easy money!

In the Media

SLAG01: HAHA! Another loss.
SLAG02: Yeah, we should run stories on him being under pressure and the board being unhappy.
SLAG01: Are the board unhappy? Have you spoken to someone there?
SLAG02: Well no….
SLAG01: I know, we can say….an insider told us!
SLAG02: Yes! Of course. But we need more exclusives.
SLAG01: Easy. Lets wait for the Spurs fans to give us some ideas.
SLAG02: How?
SLAG01: Easy. Type in www.glory-glory...

In the forums, In the know...

‘Levy is unhappy and Spurs are looking for a replacement’
‘Jol has been sacked. Derby is his ‘wave goodbye game’'
‘Ramos is an option’
‘Comolli and Jol don’t get on, Jol has no power over transfers’
‘Levy and Jol don’t get on’
‘Board unhappy with Jol’
‘Spurs sending director to meet with Ramos’
‘Jol knows he is history’

Back in the Media

SLAG01: This is Gold!
SLAG02: Are you copy and pasting?
SLAG01: Yes, I know how to copy and paste!
SLAG02: Use spell checker too.
SLAG01: Back pages here we come!
SLAG02: How much do you earn?
SLAG01: £90,000
SLAG02: HIGH FIVE!!

In Spain

KEMSLEY: Hi, I’d like to inquire about some of your players?
RAMOS: No chance.
KEMSLEY: Are you available?
RAMOS: I don't date men.
KEMSLEY: That's not what I meant.
RAMOS: You want me to leave Champions League, two-times UEFA Cup Champions for Spurs?
KEMSLEY: Doesn't sound plausible when someone says it out loud.
RAMOS: Adiós.

The Derby Win

LEVY: That’s better.
JOL: Yes. Jenas was majestic.
LEVY: Good comfortable three points and a clean sheet.
JOL: Did you hear the crowd singing my name before we even scored?
LEVY: Yes, yes, you have no hair. I’ve heard it once or twice before.
JOL: Utd up next.
LEVY: Fergie's job is on the line over there. Three games none won. We might be in for a backlash.
JOL: With Jenas on form, we have nothing to fear. He destroyed newly promoted Derby.

The Media

SLAG01: Fuck. Can we still write negative things even though they won?
SLAG02: Of course! You’re the editor! You can do what you want!
SLAG01: Ok, lets change the ‘has 1 game to save himself’ to ‘has 6 games to save himself’
SLAG02: What about these photos?
SLAG01: What photos?
SLAG02: These.
SLAG01: Your hand is empty, you have an empty hand. You are not holding anything.
SLAG02: Oh yes, but am I?
SLAG01: (Stares)
SLAG02: In my hand, I have photographs of Ramos and a Spurs director talking shop about becoming the new Spurs boss.
SLAG01: But your hand is empty, theres nothing….Oh, I get it. Magic invisible truth photos! Can we print them?
SLAG02: I don’t think we can. Probably best not to. They are only magic when they are in my hands.
SLAG01: Let’s just say we have them, but cant use them. But we've seen them, so that should be enough for our readers.
SLAG02: Excellent! Make sure we use an extra large font to hide the fact we have nothing to report in our exclusive!
SLAG01: Brilliant!

The Fans and the forums...

‘What about the negatives from the game?’
‘No official comment from club on rumours’
‘We beat Derby, doesn’t mean he’s safe’
'Is Adel better than Zidane?'
‘If theres smoke theres fire’
‘Any more rumours floating about?’
‘Berbatov wants to leave’
‘Says who?’
‘Who cares, lets turn this 'Berbs to leave' thread into a 30 pager and the Daily Mirror is bound to see it’
‘Yay! More bullshit! w00t!’

The Sunday Supplement (on Sky)

PRESENTER: Should we spend 10 minutes talking about Tottenham?
JOURNO: Sure, let’s spend 10 minutes talking about rumours and conjecture and look all serious and intellectual when doing it as we are at the peak of our profession.
JOURNO2: Sounds good. I know someone at the club who tells me that Jol and Levy don’t get on.
PRESENTER: Really?
JOURNO2: No, of course not. I read it online.
PRESENTER: Do you have anything to add?
JOURNO2: Billy Levy doesn’t know what he’s doing and Craig Comolli buys all the players without telling Jol and smuggles them into the training Lodge and has them all wearing Jeans masks in training.
JOURNO: And then theres the English block that stops the continental system of having a coach and director of football working at Spurs.
PRESENTER: Jol is Dutch, Comolli is French. They are both continental.

(Silence)

JOURNO: Yes, but its the English block! They don't know how to use the continental system over here. Its too confusing for them. They're in England so being Dutch or French isn't relevant. Jol should be left to be the manager of the club and buy the players he wants to buy. And anyway, theres way too much for a manager to do nowadays and they need help when it comes to running the first team and dealing with transfers.
PRESENTER: You're not making sense. You just contradicted yourself.

(Silence)

JOURNO: I support West Ham United and get paid £90,000 a year.

Back at Spurs

LEVY: Bit crazy all these stories. Ramos this and Ramos that. Don't believe what you read, Martin.
JOL: What stories? Oh, them. No, no. Not paying too much attention. Daniel, can you call me back. I’m playing Football Manager. I'm two nil-up against Arsenal at home......Oh shit, make that 2-1.

Petrov on his way, Shirely?

He's meeting with his agent and Comolli today. Levy has apparently delayed flying out to South Africa in order to help conclude the deal.

Therefore, if the deal fails I will hold him personally responsible for pro-longing the left-side problem we've had for the best part of forever.

Transfer Speculation

Once again, we have reached that time of year where there is a great deal of press speculation linking us with players from all around the world.

Sporting Director Damien Comolli noted: “It is unbelievable picking up a newspaper this time of year. I guess there will always be transfer stories concerning us as we are a club that is always looking to strengthen where possible, though many of the reports that I have read are completely wide of the mark.”

As always, we should like to remind our supporters that our official channels – website tottenhamhotspur.com and mobile service spurs(((mobile))) - will carry informed, accurate and timely information as and when it is appropriate to do so.

From: tottenhamhotspur.com - transfer speculation

Yes Damien, but what about the information that comes straight from the horses mouth? By horses mouth, I was metaphorically referring to someone who works within the club who has shared sensitive information with a Spurs fan who then posts the info on a Spurs forum.

Now, I don’t want to side with the club on this, but it’s quite obvious that nobody really has any idea of what’s going on. Not to the degree that some of the ITK characters would like you to believe.

For example, ones that talk cryptically about new signings as if they want to tell the world about it but at the same time want to avoid the story from leaking are just being creative with their attention-seeking. Others, who straddle branches and hold onto their binoculars just state the bleeding obvious. This latest piece of whorage appeared on GG.net (whorage in red):

Shoot me down all you want but my mate has some spurs ties in the boardroom...he rarely talks about spurs as he doesn't like to leak info...which i respect no matter how frustrating at time...

Right. Explain ‘ties’. Does he clean the boardroom? Does he walk past it as he makes his way to the fax machine? Does he hold a glass up to the door? Or are you saying that you know someone who knows someone who knows someone? Already, this information is looking to be 3rd or 4th hand. And if he rarely talks about Spurs, why the sudden verbal diarrhea?

But anyhow he came out to NYC today and is slaughtered and probably excited to be here on his hols....but he needed a favor so i turned the screw! Haha

If he has ties, then you just blow his cover. So enjoy the information, because he wont ever be in a position to share again.

He said that Darren Bent is more or less ours unless Spurs have a change of heart. He has verbally agreed a deal subject to a medical and transfer fee. We are about 3 mil away from what Charlton want. He is not interested in WHAM but curbs is trying to sign him and have more or less agreed to the fee Charlton want for him... Bent is on his hols and we will have a better look at him due to a injury he has picked up on his return.

So. We are signing Bent – however, if we don’t it’s because we have changed our mind. That’s some way to cover your tracks. Adding the injury thing is gold. It’s like me saying we are set to buy Petrov from Athletico Madrid and he want’s to join but we may miss out due to contractual issues.

I might get up to make a cup of tea, but I might not.

Jermain Defoe wants to stay with us and is NOT looking for a move....Chelsea were sniffing around for Chimbo indeed....but quickly turned their attention to Defoe ... Jol wants to work out a deal with Robben in a swap...

Every man and his dog know that Defoe is third inline to be King of Strikers at WHL. Linking him with a move away is something anybody can do. Yes, even people who work for the Daily Mirror can add one plus one. And stating Chelsea were sniffing around for Pascal is like anybody on any forum or any pub saying that Spurs were in for Nani – because its flipping public knowledge already.

As for Robben. This is a firm favourite of most people to talk about as Jol is Dutch and has publicly stated he likes Robben.

Mido has lost his respect at the club and they are negotiating with several teams involving swap deals including interest from a promoted club, Blackburn, and a few other teams abroad mainly in France... Mark Hughes is not convinced at Midos fitness but has not closed the door just yet on it... But respect to Mido he has been working on his fitness...

Mido has lost respect? Really? Hey, about that Hitler taking his own life in the bunker. Oh, and man lands on moon. Christ, you eat enough cheeseburgers and smoke enough cigars you lose the respect of the fans. Again, it’s no secret that Jol and everyone else have had enough of him. As for Mido working on his fitness, of course he is. It’s the summer. He has nothing to sulk about and needs to sell himself to a new club, so that he is ready for another season of gorging and generally expecting to play first team football without actually warranting it.

MGP has been initially blocked but we will test them with a higher bid...Jol looking to bring him in regardless if we buy a LW....so im assuming a few formations next year Petrov is wanted by Jol... and comolli has been in contact with him...my friend seems to think we have a really good chance of signing him. Petrov was wanted last season as well but didn't materialize. Petrov is believed to have joked behind closed doors that him and berbs could crack the top four by themselves! But Robben is still the one that Jol is dreaming about!

So, for the one position, the ITK has covered off 3 potential signings in MGP, Petrov and Robben. That’s some safety net you got there. All three are again firm favs of Internet message boards and Spurs fans in general.

We have been asked to keep informed about Nugent but again it depends on Everton as he is a massive fan of theirs....

No no no no no no no no no no no no. No. No.

I asked him about Bale and he said that we had him wrapped (as far as transfer fee and agreement with the club) up in January but couldn't announce it with only a bunch of "reliable" people knowing due to Saints push for the prem. Burley didn't want to rock team morale or distract the youngster. He is very very excited to play for spurs and has been watching spurs vids and reading about our history...Said Bale was a kid in a sweetshop when he arrived at spurs.

Facts after the fact. Its ok to say someone really wanted to join us after he’s joined us. But the fact he has joined us would suggest he wanted to join us anyway. As for being excited, he's 17 for FFS.

Villa/Sunderland have asked about Tainio...Jol is keen to keep him.

This is probably spot-on. Because Jol must be puffing away on something again to be declaring all out love for TT.

Jol is NOT after NRC!!!! Bartons name was been thrown around but some of the top top boys don't want him anywhere near our team. As for Parker...we DID show some interest but went cold due to his refusal at lowering his wages but what made me laugh was...Parker wanted a guarantee of first team footie!

None of this can be proved or disproved. The Damien statement on the website would suggest that he was referring to Parker. As for Barton, he has a clause and probably every other fan of several other clubs are suggesting they are in for him, but are unsure. Barton is a mess. If we signed him, I’ll be looking to make a mess (of the number 2 kind) and mail it to the club.

There is a french striker being discussed at the moment as one of the options....supposed to Henry Mk2...although Arsenal/pompey/boro looking at him also

French? The new Henry? Well, the fact that Arsenal have Walcott (who is the new Henry) would suggest that anyone French and good will go to the worlds largest immobile gypsy caravan (Ashburton Grove) rather than the badlands of Tottenham. Though why on earth the ‘new Henry’ would allow Pompey and Boro to be interested in him would suggest that someone is taking Football Manager stats a bit too seriously.

Last but not least....Jol couldnt be happier....said his dreams have come true and wants the job for life! Keep this a secret haha but Jol loves the banter with the spurs faithful.

Yes, because we all come to the ground to banter with a bald headed bloke who waves at us once in a while. He getting paid to wave at us and finish just outside the Champions League….again.

Even called us prickshh on one occasion for making fun of his in his own words "Hair shtyle"...

No one calls me a prick. No one. I’ve paid over 600 quid to the club and to be insulted by the manager, that’s out of order. Is this how the club repays the loyal fan. Unlike your hair Jol, I will always be here.

Berbs is somewhat of an enigma around the club....some of the spurs staff still cant make eye contact with him apparently hahahah women!

That’s my boy. How daft of the woman (and maybe the odd bloke) who work at the club thinking they can get a piece of the Bulgarian Buldge. Dream on losers.

Last but not least...Nani was a serious serious prospect and we definitely tried to sneak in under the rader...but Nanis agent alerted Utd that we were close in getting our man....Only for Man U sending a squad of people to ensure we dont get our man. Nani was about 10 hours from signing for us.

Yes, this I can give you as probably being near the mark. Probably. But Nani was never going to join us, even if we agreed anything in principal with his club. Utd (and Ronaldo and CQ) was always going to be his destination.

dont care if you shoot me, the suns out and im looking forward in your respectful thoughts haha

Shoot you? No. Politely slap you across your face in an attempt to rattle you out of your delusionary state, yes. Several times.

The only credit you get is for not suggesting all this information came from a large wooden thing with a green roof.