An alternative look at the seasons events from White Hart Lane
Monday, August 20, 2007 at 4:35PM Summer, 2007
LEVY: Here’s £40M, spend it well.
COMOLLI: Of course I will. Have I let you down before?
LEVY: Well, I suppose Zokora hasn’t…
COMOLLI: He needs to settle! Damn it Daniel how many times do I have to explain the settling down thing! Sacré bleu!
LEVY: Just make sure Martin has the final word on all transfer targets. Don't want to get him upset. He's scary when he's angry.
COMOLLI: Of course I will consult with him. As if I would spend the clubs money without the capo’s word.
LEVY: And if you plan to travel abroad to complete any potential signings, don’t allow some skinny teenager to take photos of any new players, resulting in them appearing on forums before the official site. Be discreet at all times! Remember go incognito.
COMOLLI: Fucking hell, yes, yes. Jesus, I know what I’m doing, I use to work for Arsenal for fucks sake. Chill out. I have a disguise and an alternative name I travel under.
LEVY: Which is?
COMOLLI: Diego Ribas da Cunha.
LEVY: Catchy.
Later on…
COMOLLI: So Martin, who should we bid for? A left-winger perhaps?
JOL: No, no. We need more midfielders, lots of them. All different types. Big midfielders, small midfielders, sexy midfielders, tall midfielders, fast midfielders, slick midfielders, young midfielders....
COMOLLI: A creative midfielder?
JOL: No, no. Let’s buy a left-back instead.
COMOLLI: Ok. But we have a few already…
JOL: Yes, but not Gareth Bale. Fantastic talent. Can score precision free-kicks. I want Bale.
COMOLLI: Ok. Let me just make a note of this……Must sign Bale.
JOL: Why are you writing it on your hand?
COMOLLI: I forgot my notepad.
JOL: Yes, but in crayon?
COMILLI: I left my pencil at home. Ok, so Bale is our target. Anyone else?
JOL: We need a defender, a good one. Young, strong. Someone to cover King.
COMOLLI: You have someone in mind?
JOL: No, no. I trust you to find someone. Scout some players and let me know who you recommend we should bid for. I will give you the go-ahead if I’m happy with the video footage.
COMOLLI: Ok, so two defenders on our hit-list. A left-winger perhaps now?
JOL: No. I want you to bid for Scott Parker and Kieran Dyer and offer them a kings ransom in wages.
COMOLLI: Right, ok. Dyer and Parker.....
JOL: Haha, don’t be a mug all your life. Of course I don't want them. They are shit. I want another young player with potential. Giles Barnes perhaps, or one from the continent.
COMOLLI: Ok, I think I know someone from abroad. Boateng. Good player, bags of potential. Will be one for the future.
JOL: Good, good. I like ones for the future. They need many hugs on the touchline. I'm good at that. Hugging.
COMOLLI: Yes, sir. You are. My back is still recovering. Anyone else? Left-wing?
JOL: Darren Bent.
COMOLLI: Darren Bent?
JOL: Yes. Why not. If we are going to challenge for 4th and all cups including UEFA Cup, why not have the best strike-force in England? Bid for Bent. Levy has money coming out of his bum.
COMOLLI: Ok. So Bale, Bent and Boateng. Left-wing now? A creative midfielder?
JOL: What’s your fucking hang-up on a creative midfielder? We have Taarabt. I will play him when he's ready and he will fill the void. We can save ourselves £10M or so.
COMOLLI: And the left-wing? We need to fill that void. Petrov perhaps?
JOL: Bah, Petrov, Shevtrov. Bid for him if you want.
COMILLI: I could try for Duff again if you prefer?
JOL: Forget it! He chose Newcastle. He got away from us. Its finished. Over. He is not a target anymore. Don't tell me you are still having the nightmares? He's hardly kicked a ball for them anyway.
COMOLLI: I nearly signed him you know. If only we offered him twice as much....if only......
JOL: Just bid for Petrov. Keep the Spurssh forums distracted for a bit. He wont sign. He'll do what Duff did and go where the money is. And all this fuss about a left-winger. We came 5th twice with no left-winger.
COMOLLI: I'll get to work now.
JOL: Good, I have some personal things to do online.
(Jol boots up his PC, logs into glory-glory.co.uk and starts a thread using his alias)
WE8CAMPBELL: I have some news. Torres is on his way. Medical tomorrow, should sign end of week.
JOL: Hehe...
Politics
MIDO: What’s this?
DIETITIAN: Its lunch.
MIDO: What? This is bullshit man. Bullshit!
DIETITIAN: It’s a healthy balanced meal, it’s what all the players get.
MIDO: Fuck this shit maaan! I want a fucking cheeseburger, double cheese, double burger with extra cheese and burger and some fucking burgers with fries. And I want a diet coke to go with that!
DIETITIAN: You can’t smoke in here.
(Mido Lights up a cigar)
MIDO: Fuck you. I’m Mido. Nobody tells me what to do.
DIETITIAN: Ok, well, can you take your meal please and join your teammates.
MIDO: It’s not a meal, man, its rabbit food. I’m wasting away here! I'm skin and bones!
DIETITIAN: Damn it, every day it’s the same thing. You can’t have a frigging burger! Now please Ahmed, take a seat....
MIDO: Yeah well fuck you and fuck this club and its politics. I’m going to Birmingham.
Later…
STEVE BRUCE: Ok, so that sorts out the wages. I’m happy. Anything else?
AGENT: I think we are fine.
STEVE BRUCE: Happy days.
MIDO: Hold on.
STEVE BRUCE: Yes..?
MIDO: What do we eat?
STEVE BRUCE: You mean now? We could go for a meal to celebrate, once you sign the contract.
MIDO: I’m not signing any motherfucking contract until I know what we eat. What do you feed the players?
STEVE BRUCE: Well, its all done by a dietitian, it’s a healthy balanced…..
MIDO: Cheeseburgers?
STEVE BRUCE: Of course not.
MIDO: Fuck this shit. I’m out of here. No burgers, no deal.
And later…..
GARETH SOUTHGATE: Hi Mido, its Gareth here. Would you be interested in joining Middlesboro?
MIDO: Jesus Christ, no fucking way.
GARETH SOUTHGATE: We are happy to pay you loads of money.
MIDO: Will the money be made of burger meat?
GARETH SOUTHGATE: I suppose that can be arranged.
MIDO: DEAL!
The Sunderland Defeat
LEVY: That wasn’t good.
JOL: I know, we played shit.
LEVY: What went wrong.
JOL: We didn’t get going.
LEVY: Let’s try and get back on track.
JOL: Will try to do so. With so many players out....
LEVY: You should be fine. You've got us up and running for the past two seasons.
JOL: I know. It will be fine.
LEVY: You know the newspapers and fans are going to start to stir up the wrong type of publicity for the club?
JOL: This is England, yes?
LEVY: Well, you have my support, 110%.
JOL: That's not a vote of confidence is it?
LEVY: Technically speaking I would have to release a press statement.
JOL: How's your wife?
(Pause and stare)
LEVY: Yes, shes good. You should come...come round for dinner one night.
JOL: I think I will.
In the forums
‘This is disgraceful!’
‘What’s gone wrong?’
‘No balance – no organisation’
‘Is Jol tactically inept?’
‘Who do we need to buy to get things right?’
'Worst weekend ever'
'Why so defensive?'
'I miss Ledders!'
‘Same old Tottenham’
‘Jol's not good enough!’
The Media
SLAG01: HAHA, looks like the Hotspurs have fucked up.
SLAG02: Yeah, should be fun slagging them off for flopping so badly, and live on TV too! £40M spent and they lose to Sunderland.
SLAG01: Serves them right, their fans are so fickle. They thought they could challenge for the title.
SLAG02: Did they say that?
SLAG01: Nah, just made it up. Gonna print it too.
SLAG02: Fuck, you’re good.
SLAG01: Course I am, that’s why I’m the Sports editor.
SLAG02: Up the ‘ammers!
SLAG01: HIGH FIVE!
The Everton Defeat
LEVY: Martin?
JOL: Yes, yes. I know. But you can’t judge me on two games.
LEVY: I’m not. But we need to pick up and pick up soon.
JOL: And we will. Two 5th places on the trot. No other Spurs manager in the past 20 years can claim that, no? Two defeats can't mean anything compared to two full seasons of progression, no?
LEVY: What are doing?
JOL: We will win against Derby and it will kick start our season.
LEVY: They booed the team tonight.
JOL: They may boo from the stands but face to face, they will shit their pants. They will sing my name on Saturday. I promise you. Anyways, they were not booing me. They were booing the players. And I've had words with them. They understand their responsibilities.
LEVY: Berbatov's out injured.
JOL: Yes, but we have Bent.
LEVY: Good signing. Money well spent.
JOL: I know.
In the forums
‘He’s got to go’
‘Humiliating’
‘What’s gone wrong?’
‘Why did we buy Bent?
'Dear Mr Levy...'
‘Jol doesn’t have a clue’
‘He’s not the right person for the job’
‘How long does he have left?’
'Two defeats - is our season over?'
'No midfield, why didn't we invest better?'
'The last two years have been flushed down the toilet'
The Bookies
BOOKIE01: Bets are piling on.
BOOKIE02: One little white lie and were in the money.
BOOKIE01: Farking mugs! Easy money!
In the Media
SLAG01: HAHA! Another loss.
SLAG02: Yeah, we should run stories on him being under pressure and the board being unhappy.
SLAG01: Are the board unhappy? Have you spoken to someone there?
SLAG02: Well no….
SLAG01: I know, we can say….an insider told us!
SLAG02: Yes! Of course. But we need more exclusives.
SLAG01: Easy. Lets wait for the Spurs fans to give us some ideas.
SLAG02: How?
SLAG01: Easy. Type in www.glory-glory...
In the forums, In the know...
‘Levy is unhappy and Spurs are looking for a replacement’
‘Jol has been sacked. Derby is his ‘wave goodbye game’'
‘Ramos is an option’
‘Comolli and Jol don’t get on, Jol has no power over transfers’
‘Levy and Jol don’t get on’
‘Board unhappy with Jol’
‘Spurs sending director to meet with Ramos’
‘Jol knows he is history’
Back in the Media
SLAG01: This is Gold!
SLAG02: Are you copy and pasting?
SLAG01: Yes, I know how to copy and paste!
SLAG02: Use spell checker too.
SLAG01: Back pages here we come!
SLAG02: How much do you earn?
SLAG01: £90,000
SLAG02: HIGH FIVE!!
In Spain
KEMSLEY: Hi, I’d like to inquire about some of your players?
RAMOS: No chance.
KEMSLEY: Are you available?
RAMOS: I don't date men.
KEMSLEY: That's not what I meant.
RAMOS: You want me to leave Champions League, two-times UEFA Cup Champions for Spurs?
KEMSLEY: Doesn't sound plausible when someone says it out loud.
RAMOS: Adiós.
The Derby Win
LEVY: That’s better.
JOL: Yes. Jenas was majestic.
LEVY: Good comfortable three points and a clean sheet.
JOL: Did you hear the crowd singing my name before we even scored?
LEVY: Yes, yes, you have no hair. I’ve heard it once or twice before.
JOL: Utd up next.
LEVY: Fergie's job is on the line over there. Three games none won. We might be in for a backlash.
JOL: With Jenas on form, we have nothing to fear. He destroyed newly promoted Derby.
The Media
SLAG01: Fuck. Can we still write negative things even though they won?
SLAG02: Of course! You’re the editor! You can do what you want!
SLAG01: Ok, lets change the ‘has 1 game to save himself’ to ‘has 6 games to save himself’
SLAG02: What about these photos?
SLAG01: What photos?
SLAG02: These.
SLAG01: Your hand is empty, you have an empty hand. You are not holding anything.
SLAG02: Oh yes, but am I?
SLAG01: (Stares)
SLAG02: In my hand, I have photographs of Ramos and a Spurs director talking shop about becoming the new Spurs boss.
SLAG01: But your hand is empty, theres nothing….Oh, I get it. Magic invisible truth photos! Can we print them?
SLAG02: I don’t think we can. Probably best not to. They are only magic when they are in my hands.
SLAG01: Let’s just say we have them, but cant use them. But we've seen them, so that should be enough for our readers.
SLAG02: Excellent! Make sure we use an extra large font to hide the fact we have nothing to report in our exclusive!
SLAG01: Brilliant!
The Fans and the forums...
‘What about the negatives from the game?’
‘No official comment from club on rumours’
‘We beat Derby, doesn’t mean he’s safe’
'Is Adel better than Zidane?'
‘If theres smoke theres fire’
‘Any more rumours floating about?’
‘Berbatov wants to leave’
‘Says who?’
‘Who cares, lets turn this 'Berbs to leave' thread into a 30 pager and the Daily Mirror is bound to see it’
‘Yay! More bullshit! w00t!’
The Sunday Supplement (on Sky)
PRESENTER: Should we spend 10 minutes talking about Tottenham?
JOURNO: Sure, let’s spend 10 minutes talking about rumours and conjecture and look all serious and intellectual when doing it as we are at the peak of our profession.
JOURNO2: Sounds good. I know someone at the club who tells me that Jol and Levy don’t get on.
PRESENTER: Really?
JOURNO2: No, of course not. I read it online.
PRESENTER: Do you have anything to add?
JOURNO2: Billy Levy doesn’t know what he’s doing and Craig Comolli buys all the players without telling Jol and smuggles them into the training Lodge and has them all wearing Jeans masks in training.
JOURNO: And then theres the English block that stops the continental system of having a coach and director of football working at Spurs.
PRESENTER: Jol is Dutch, Comolli is French. They are both continental.
(Silence)
JOURNO: Yes, but its the English block! They don't know how to use the continental system over here. Its too confusing for them. They're in England so being Dutch or French isn't relevant. Jol should be left to be the manager of the club and buy the players he wants to buy. And anyway, theres way too much for a manager to do nowadays and they need help when it comes to running the first team and dealing with transfers.
PRESENTER: You're not making sense. You just contradicted yourself.
(Silence)
JOURNO: I support West Ham United and get paid £90,000 a year.
Back at Spurs
LEVY: Bit crazy all these stories. Ramos this and Ramos that. Don't believe what you read, Martin.
JOL: What stories? Oh, them. No, no. Not paying too much attention. Daniel, can you call me back. I’m playing Football Manager. I'm two nil-up against Arsenal at home......Oh shit, make that 2-1.
Reader Comments (6)
Don't know if you've read this article; I thought it was pretty good.
http://soccernet.espn.go.com/columns/story?id=455151&root=england&cc=5901
keep up the good fight, I enjoy and appreciate your work.
Spurs are doing what they always do. Shagging it up.
THe Sunday Supplement thing was spot on though.
Bloody hilarious! The 'Billy Levy' bit made me crack up.
Write a book.
Your best work ever, spooks.
If only it was all true.