The Stupendous Adventures of Gareth Bale and Charlie Adam
Tuesday, July 31, 2012 at 9:01PM Betty the honey bee was sick and tired of being second best all the time. She was fed up with wasps and even ants taking the mickey out of her lisp and her lopsided wing. Freaky Betty Bants they called her with cruel irony, because she never had anything to say in response. Even the drones laughed at her. She sucked at pollination, insecure and lacking confidence in her own ability as part of the work force. Many times Betty waited for a mockingbird to end it all but something stuck in her mind. If she was going to go down she might as well do so with infamy rather than depressive acceptance. Betty the bee wanted to become the most famous bee of all time. Her plan was simplistic. A high profile event, not necessarily a live television broadcast but anything where cameras were present to capture the moment. Many a time she avoided a squatting in and around the brick world away from the flowers, where she would frequent to think about life and the future.
"Those pesky football fans. I'll show 'em. I'll sting their favourite son, see how they like that buzz"
"Don't do it" said Betty's best and only friend, Barbara, "It's suicide man!"
But Betty was sick of the bullying and sick of the hive and the mundane existence. She wanted the glory. The Bee that would sting the Bale.
"I'll become a legend. They'll talk about me 'til there's no honey left on the planet"
-
Spurs v Blackpool, White Hart Lane, 2011
Bale: Yeah yeah, look at me, so sexy on the ball, got to get past this player
Adam: Oh God, is that a bee?
Bale: Got past him, damn it, the ball's got away from me...need to stretch a little to get it...
Adam: GARETH!! THERE'S A BEE! IT'S BUZZING AROUND YOUR ANKLE MAN! Oh God, he hasn't seen it! I'LL GET IT GET GARETH! I'LL GET THE B*STARD!
Bale: AAAAHHHH!!
Betty: AAAAHHHH!!
Adam: Oh sh*t, sorry mate.
Bale: Did you get the bee?
Adam: Yeah, it's dead man. Sorry about your ankle.
Bale: Collateral damage. At least it didn't sting me.
-
Aftermath
The funeral for Betty was one of much frustration for Barbara. There was no actual body to bury after the incident and the catering was dull. It also rained and a couple of drunk wasps turned up to heckle.
"I'll avenge you Betty, I promise, I'll avenge you! No matter what it takes, I'll travel to the ends of the world to fulfil the dream you failed to achieve. Your sting will live on in my sting!"
-
Liverpool v Spurs, Baltimore, 2012
Adam: Jesus Christ! Is that another bee? Bale, there's another God damn bee buzzing after you!
Bale: What? Again? Must be the hair conditioner. Do something, get it, get it, quickly!
Adam: I don't know Gareth, I damaged your ankle last time!
Bale: The bee man, the beeeee!! Get the sodding bee!!!
Adam: Okay...here we go...got to time this...just right...just right...come on Adam, you can do this son...Grrrrr
<tackle>
Bale: AAAAHHHH!!
Adam: Oh not again!
Barbara: Glory! Reap the pain! Hold up...what the f***? Need to escape! I'm stuck! My barbed stinger! Oh God! I'm going to be ripped apart if I pull away! My abdomen! My digestive tract! Nobody...nobody told me this would happen...Glory in death! For you Betty! ...AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Bale: My ankle is fine you idiot, aside from the f***** bee sting! You let it f******* sting me!
Adam: Soz?
-
Post-match...
Bale: <speaking to the press> He's obviously come for me twice now. Not sure if it's the same one but this time he got me. The sting hurts. As for Adam, from what I saw of him on the pitch, I think he's a bit of a coward. There are pictures on the internet of what he did before, it was unfortunate he snapped my ankle ligaments but he got the bee. This time, he bottled it. Missed the bee completely. I was out for three months that time and one player told me he has a bit of a thing for me and wants to protect me but is this really protection? It's flattering when players try to take you out but I'm not that way inclined. Bee's can threaten your career, he mistimed his tackle. I don't care if its just a friendly, a bee is still a bee. He should have stopped it.
-
A day later...
Adam agent: You okay?
Adam: Why didn't I go in with two feet? Why didn't I go studs up? Why didn't I do more? What's wrong with me?
Adam agent: Calm down. Don't worry, let me handle this.
-
Press release...
Adam agent: <speaking to the press> It doesn't warrant a reply because everyone knows Charlie is not that type of player. Everyone in football knows he has no malice or anything like that in him. Unless you're an insect or a member of the Apini tribe. He'll f*** you right up.
-
A bee hive, in a middle of a field, later that day...
Adam: <walks towards bee hive to the tune of 'Still' by the Geto Boys>
Random Bee: Oh sh*t! Is that a baseball bat?
Reader Comments (28)
I could be wrong, but isn't it 3 times they've had run-ins with eachother (or more, Adam has run into Bale)?
There was the original Blackpool incident and then the game in Baltimore, but didn't Adam also get sent off at the Lane last season for a challenge on Bale?
I only had room for two bees.
@ Walkerboy
Sent off for a tackle on Parker.
absoloutely brilliant extremely creative
if it had been a manure player the press and ferguson would want adam shot
Any chance of sticking a hornets nest in the Spurs dressing room? Those bad boys don't take prisoners.
Goodness knows Liverpool fans would love for it to have been a manure player (some preferable to others). And for Adam to be shot later too.
That was excellent.
Two bees or not two bees that is the question?
What are you on ? And can I buy some ?
ha! good article - but i don't know why these two don't kiss and make up and just have a couple of bees and rewax
sorry - i was never a spelling bea
What utter fucking drivel.
haha.. too good.... funny though, the first tackle was much much worse than this one... everyone defended Adam there or maybe just good Ol' Harry?... This story has some truth to it then !
Gooner, enough about yourself, thoughts on the article?
The best comment I have seen on the whole episode sums it up nicely - the fact that Adam sent his Agent out to do his talking shows him up for the coward that he is.
So, some White Anglo Saxon Pinhead of a gooner doesn't get it. Jog on gooner. Find something less complex that you can take on board. Why does Apple's autocorrect want to call you 'goober'? What is a goober? Answers on a postcard ...
We really gotta sort out the striker situation. Watching Bale play up there against NY Red Bulls with Gylfi Sigurðsson behind him and it`s not exactly working out. Sigurðsson have been poor in all three games in the US so far.
What a usless player Hudd looks. Loosing possesion, looking completely disinterested. Lennon looks like a shadow of his medicore self. Fucking dissapointing, you'd think Harry put that team out.
If you keep this up, Spooky, you'll be a has bee(n)...
I thought the Hudd looked reasonable for not having played in a year. Couple of good long passes and he protected the back 4 well IMO. Lennon almost won the game at the death. He's still got it and hopefully saving it for the real thing. We really need a target-man up front. Let's get the Ade-thing signed and sealed so they can train a bit this year. Worried about Siggy, though, he looks lost.
Oops. Wrong game! Sorry...still on about Baltimore...never mind...
And of course a few minutes after I write this: " Sigurðsson have been poor in all three games in the US so far." he gets an assist and a great goal ;)
Genius spooky. But ain't it just typical that someone comes along and betters you? I bet you dream of possessing the wit, imagination and sheer literary genius of someone who inserts not just one but two sundry o's into the word 'gooner'. He's clearly spent more time at the library than you.
Well that's life spooky. Petit pois Rodney, petit pois.
Don't forget, Adam also should have been sent off in the way game at Blackpool the season before last for doing Dawson in the 92nd minute when we were 3-1 down... Completely unnecessary but only got a booking, as it was already game over.
Someone said it well. If Bale were a Man U player Adams would have been excomunicated by now and the FA would have set up a judicial inquiry headed by SAF to see if Adams was an illegal immigrant.
The year 2062
....As the muscular, bat-wielding-shadow loomed ever closer to the hive, a single voice amongst a thousand tiny screaming voices could be clearly heard, and seemed to be emanating from the heavens above.
‘Charlie, Charlie, wake up dear you’ve poo’d your pants’
A Skysports headline today: 'Spurs to look at Luka'
.. are we going to seal him in a display cabinet and stand around gawking at him?
A Sun 'exclusive' today: "Real Madrid are threatening to pull out of their chase for Luka Modric - because Tottenham want more money up front"..
Quick, abandon ship!
Nice article Spooky, I like the bee analogy and some of the responses have been very good, minus the illeterate gooner of course. Your thoughts on organising a welcoming commitee for the striped one when the scousers come to the Lane? .....Hive a few suggestions which may be of interest!!
Spooky, the incorrect spelling of the word 'illiterate' is deliberate and is simply my swipe at the gooner....no doubt he will not notice it. COYS!!