Seven sure-fire ways for Spurs to score from the penalty spot
Monday, February 15, 2010 at 3:44PM 1) Draft in Derren Brown to create the illusion that the penalty has already been taken and saved and while the keeper punches the air in celebration, the penalty taker can simply slot the ball into an open goal without any concern that it might be kept out.
2) Play the ball ever so slightly forwards to allow a second player to run into the penalty area and strike the ball to confuse the keeper and score with arrogant ease. It's so easy, its impossible to fail! Impossible!
3) If the match is officiated by Howard Webb, simply wear a Man Utd shirt under the Spurs shirt and give him a sneaky look at the colours. Don't fret if you don't score first time round - Webby will let you take it until you firmly slot the ball into the back of the net. Wheel away and celebrate and if Webb happens to skid past you on his knees slapping his chest just do as he does to avoid a potential yellow card for failure to appease The Church of United.
4) Have a random bit of totty in a sexy short skirt and tight top flirting with the penalty taker from behind the goal holding up a banner stating 'Score this and you score with me'.
5) Don't take the penalty. If the ref questions this and blows his whistle repeatedly, simply explain that you have already taken the penalty. If he states you haven’t because the ball is still on the spot, tell him that in essence he is only half correct. The metaphysical presence of the ball is on the spot but it's journey from there to the goal is one that has already taken place many times before. Then explain that to get through the hardest journey we need to take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. Proceed to shuffle in front of the ball never striking it, and then sit down and mediate for 4 hours.
6) Pick up the ball run towards the goal and then dive across the line making sure the ball (cradled in your arms) touches the ground as your body skids on the grass. Let everyone know you just invented a new version of football and then form a new breakaway league where handball is allowed. If the ref tries to argue this already happened back in 1823, let him know that history only began in 1990 and anything prior to that date is null and void. The ref will have to allow the goal.
7) A months wage docked for any penalty that isn't scored. Special DVD release for successful scorer with accompanying 'Where were you when XXXX scored from the spot?'
Reader Comments (30)
I actually laughed out loud at number 5. Brilliant spooks. You do ever less work than I do.
let bale take the penalties, you can just tell he'll be good at them, fullbacks always are e.g. corluka in the cup final and graham alexander, and he's confident at the moment
I think number 5 is what is called a Zenalty.
I'm here all week. Try the veal.
Zenalty, LOL.
Remember Bent's missed header against Portsmouth, the answer is staring us all in the face it's time to give Harry's missus a game
Much as I'd like to go with the Bale option, he's left-footed and in my book lefties regularly miss!!
I used to sit and watch penalty shoot-outs with my brother and debate who would miss and we'd always pick the left-footer....
To be honest I don't think I'd trust any of our lot from 12 yards at the moment - God forbid Bolton take us all the way in the replay.
They all seem to have lost it mentally.
I still can't believe Hudd didn't just thump it down the middle.....
Sandra can't take the pens for us, Internacional won't let her go.
I picked Tom to take penalty' but what is worrying me about Tom is when he shoots he is hitting out to in accros the ball and with hitting long cross field bails he is also leaning back when he shoots and blasting this lighter ball high over the bar so when he took the pentaly he side footed the ball but Jussi has a habit of leaving is line early and also Bolton players where in the box when Hudds struck ball and pushed him of the rebound .I bet he woild not strike the ball like that again on a wet clingy pitch you have to blast it and if it goes over so be it stutered run ups are for summer hard pitches .
cheers spooky for the mid-afternoon lift! Just what was needed!
No. 8. Don't give it to Hudd or Defoe! I'd tell Tom to take a long run up, but I guess there lies the problem!
In line with number 5, I think that was what Hudd was trying to do by convincing the Ref that what he had seen was actually the pre-match warm-up shooting practice for the goal-keeper.
Excellent as ever.
A great pickup on a dull Feb afternoon.
Yeah no 5 is a beaut and I'd pay good money to watch that...for four hours at least
Number two. The memory of those two arseholes making tits of themselves cheered me right up.
guys listen up, taking a penalty is not rocket science and i cannot beleive how some players strugle to score, a penalty should never be missed, this is how its done this is scientifically proved, firstly the keeper needs to guess the right way and most times he will save it and the keeper always dive low it is impossible to dive high,
secondly the penalty taker needs to slot the ball high into the goal it is almost guaranteed to score you just cant miss, this is idiot proof
i just cannot beleive that players always try to slot it low, that for me is no good but if you hit it high and hard a few yards either way of the keeper then you score making sure you dont hit it straight at him ofcourse,
it is impossible to save, do you remembr beckfords penalty a few weeks ago? high, hard and in the corner, that for me is class and coolness especially in the last minute.
thats why it should never be a mind game just wack the bloody thing high and hard ffs
these players get paid enough to be able to have the nerve to just hit the ball high and hard into the corner,
very simple even i can do it, this is a no brainer penalties should never be missed NEVER
I'm a brilliant penalty taker. the advice i have is watch matt le tiss. Always in the corner, always with pace, always varying the corner. penalty taking is the lost art of football, especially in england. All this talk of winnign world cups etc makes me laugh, because we aint gonna win anything unless our players can win a penalty shootout. its no coincidence we are shit at them. I cant be arsed to go into detail why, but it comes down to a few things, mainly poor technique. Defore is a classic example. Hits the penalty shot like he is a fucking retard. you dont need to fucking blast it!! a firm sidefoot is requred, but english players completely fall apart and are unable to execute this basic technique due to nerves and lack of bottle. Deofe has always been crap at penalties. if the keeper guesses the right way, he will save it. He cant seem to lift it off the ground, just does this little scuff floorshot.
Also the shimmie move is useful if used right - you MUST have a default position to put the ball if the keeper doesnt buy the shimmie. Hope he makes a move, but if he doesnt, then switch to your default penalty and place it in the corner. Hudds problem was that as soon as jussi didnt buy the shimmie, he was lost. It amazes me that people apparently dont practice penalties. I'll tell you who never loses shootouts - brazil. because they will nearly always just relax and trust the technique. English players get so panicked and jittery that all semblance of good technique goes out of the window. look at the last shootout v portugal. anyone who even vaguely thought englnd would win is a whackjob. Lampard can bang them in for fun against wigan and mecedonia, but put him in a big game and that low power smash becomes a unco scuff. Get ashley cole taking them, for all his faults he is a big game player and the complete opposite of a bottler. he thrives on pressure when most england players bottle it.
rant over
I agree that someone paid to do that job SHOULDN'T miss, but they always have haven't they?You're saying put it high, in the corner and then saying fookin welly it! ha ha
P.s Rocket science is a piece of piss these days, I think the condescending mantra is now ' It's not string theory is it?'
or some other bollocks.
PS I do agree those paid to play football should be a taaad better than 6 out of 10 missed from JD and Hudd's fanny fart attempt yesterday.
#5 is brilliant
I read the first line as:
'Draft in Darren Bent.''
Now HE knew how to take a penalty.
You cheered me up for a bit, but its going to take more than that - I'm TOTALLY fed up of Spurs at the momemt. Fed up of us hitting long balls for Crouch, fed up of seeing him argue with the ref every time he fouls someone, fed up seeing Tom Hudd strolling about (which top team would he get into exactly??), fed up of us needing a boll***ing at half time, fed up of seeing HR sitting down while the other manager is up and trying to influence the play, fed up knowing that one bad game and Bale will be out of the team again, fed up of shouting at Corluka. Pav isnt great but how can he not even get 10 minutes? Why not try Kranjcar at CM with WP? Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!
Cheshunt mike - spot on. The only thing I would say is that Pav isn't great - he's world class but because the East End Boy is still living in the post-war anti Russian era, Pav will never get a look in. He left his country to come to us, he couldn't speak the language, left everything he knew to play for Spurs and now he sits on the bench. The guy is cunning, a smart mover, has a good brain, is good in the air on the floor and most importantly is a deadly finisher. Time for Redknapp to swallow his pride and give the guy a chance - Pav would not let us down and Redknapp knows this but such is his reluctance to drop one of his bum boys our cutting edge will never change whilst we have those two lazy sh*ts up front. They don't move off the ball, nor do they close down oppo defenders. Defend from the front anyone? If you're not going to do that, at least score goals. Come on Harry, no more excuses. Time to start positively impacting your selections and in-match tactics instead of sitting on your arse all the time and blaming the players. You pick em and you never change em during the game. Sort it out.
I'd say let Gomez have ago but sod's law is that one of these F.A. matches is certain to go to penalties so we are going to need more than one penalty taker. Better get practising.
Don't mean to nitpick, but #2 wouldn't work cause after the penalty taker has touched the ball, it must then touch a player from the opposing side before a player from the attacking side may touch the ball again.
Bring back Zokora I say!
Chief, as usual I enjoyed your blog, its the first thing I look for after spurs does what many might consider the impossible.
Also I would like to say, I endorse these methods. Seem 100% fool proof.
Particularly number 3 and 5.
Keep up the good commentary.
Someone e-mail these to Redknapp and Jordan.
Quickly and before the reply.
*replay.
And someone hit me with a spell-checker.
No. 5 reminds me of Schrodingers cat. Erwins theory applied to penalties would see Defoe (or in this case Tom) having both scored or missed at the same time. Blame the Copenhagen interpretation. Total Verschrankung it is I telll you.
hard and low.even if hits the goaly odds on it will go in.
lolololololol a classic