Seven sure-fire ways for Spurs to score from the penalty spot

1) Draft in Derren Brown to create the illusion that the penalty has already been taken and saved and while the keeper punches the air in celebration, the penalty taker can simply slot the ball into an open goal without any concern that it might be kept out.

2) Play the ball ever so slightly forwards to allow a second player to run into the penalty area and strike the ball to confuse the keeper and score with arrogant ease. It's so easy, its impossible to fail! Impossible!

3) If the match is officiated by Howard Webb, simply wear a Man Utd shirt under the Spurs shirt and give him a sneaky look at the colours. Don't fret if you don't score first time round - Webby will let you take it until you firmly slot the ball into the back of the net. Wheel away and celebrate and if Webb happens to skid past you on his knees slapping his chest just do as he does to avoid a potential yellow card for failure to appease The Church of United.

4) Have a random bit of totty in a sexy short skirt and tight top flirting with the penalty taker from behind the goal holding up a banner stating 'Score this and you score with me'.

5) Don't take the penalty. If the ref questions this and blows his whistle repeatedly, simply explain that you have already taken the penalty. If he states you haven’t because the ball is still on the spot, tell him that in essence he is only half correct. The metaphysical presence of the ball is on the spot but it's journey from there to the goal is one that has already taken place many times before. Then explain that to get through the hardest journey we need to take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping. Proceed to shuffle in front of the ball never striking it, and then sit down and mediate for 4 hours.

6) Pick up the ball run towards the goal and then dive across the line making sure the ball (cradled in your arms) touches the ground as your body skids on the grass. Let everyone know you just invented a new version of football and then form a new breakaway league where handball is allowed. If the ref tries to argue this already happened back in 1823, let him know that history only began in 1990 and anything prior to that date is null and void. The ref will have to allow the goal.

7) A months wage docked for any penalty that isn't scored. Special DVD release for successful scorer with accompanying 'Where were you when XXXX scored from the spot?'

Paying the penalty, over and over again...

I asked for swagger. What we got in the first forty five minutes was not swagger. It was a hellmouth of atrociousness. No shape, no fluidity, no composure. Granted Bolton are spoilers, a side that will get in your face and stop you from playing, but let's not exaggerate. This is no longer Big Sam's anti-football on show at the Reebok. It's a far more timid version and regardless of our poor record up there you'd hope we’d at least attempt to match their tenacity. But oh no. This is Tottenham and once more we failed to see any of our esteemed players capture that early to mid season form which was spent chasing down opposition players, applying pressure and generally bossing teams and picking them off with comparative ease. I'm not even exaggerating, we looked the part back then. But with each passing week we appear to be forgetting how to play as a unit. Granted, no Lennon means we lose a vital dimension to our play. But this goes beyond not having the little man in the side because our decline began when he was fit and playing.

So we got battered for 45 minutes, looked absolutely lost and lacked any sort of spark. They're calling it a game of two halves and that's just about the best tagline you can give the match. Although it wasn't until the 60th minute that we awoke. Two moments that saw the ball hit the woodwork (for any other team, it would have sneaked in but we seem to will the ball over safely thanks to our desperation for relying on any anything that resembles luck). But when the goal did come (Defoe lashing it in) I almost felt a moment of over zealous confidence. We're going to win. The assault continued, can hardly remember Bolton doing that much in the second half so when the penalty was awarded, I jumped up and punched the air in delight, dancing a jig of joy followed by some break-dancing.

I'm fibbing, that wasn't how I reacted. I infact feel to the ground (Wengeresque) with my head in the palms of my hands. Because I knew, I just knew that more misery would be compounded on us. That it's not enough that its taken one hour to get going, we're now going to see victory wave a fleeting goodbye and disappear, to be seen next under floodlights.

What? You telling me you honestly thought we'd score?

When Huddlestone stood there ready, there was a moment, half a second, that had me thinking he would drill the ball towards the goal. The fundamental issue with penalties remains one of mental strength. If there is 1% doubt in your mind, you're likely to over-think how to take the kick and probably fail to simply rely on instincts and the natural obvious method.

i.e. Decide where to strike the ball before you put the ball on the spot, then strike it with power to the pre-determined target area.

The moment Tommy started to do the shuffle I laughed. If that wasn't a 'I don't know how to take this penalty' moment, then I don't know what it. He placed his shot. Placed it. Tommy 'I have a thunderous thunderous shot on me and can't half it hard' decided to softly softly place the ball allowing for a comfortable save. Yes, I know, its 50/50 with pens. Had the keeper guessed wrong we'd have scored. But why leave it to percentages? Pick a far corner of the goal, left or right, doesn't matter. Then drill the sonofabitch towards it. Damn it, Tommy, we know, you know…you can hit a ball with venom. It's usually moving. Here, it’s a dead ball and what do you decide to do? Caress it.

I say give the next one to BALE BALE BALE.

Anyways, if we get past Bolton we've got Fulham away. So we go from one bogey away side to another.

Rejoice.

COYS. In it to win it.

Everton 2 Spurs 2 Autopsy: Cry me a river

Decided not to blog post-match on Sunday evening, mainly because I was waiting to see if I was about to be consumed by the knee-jerking that took place on various message boards. Specifically the knee-jerking on the Glory Glory board. Anyone browsing in would think the Mayans got their prediction about 2012 a couple of years off. Absolute melt-down of the highest order. Half the players were being slated, everyone was suddenly writing off any chance of a Top 4 challenge and Harry was the culprit responsible for our downfall. Bedlam. People should stay away from football forums during and just after a game as emotions tend to over-take sensibility.

Regardless of the fires and riots, I still found myself conflicted. I was struggling with the notion that perhaps the knee-jerking was the correct response to losing a two-nil lead and then missing the opportunity to take all three at the death. Perhaps not knee-jerking is nothing more than a delusion, a form of denial and that brushing off the reality of the two points lost was the easy way out. Brush it under the carpet, tag it under 'learning curve', place it in the bottom drawer and close it shut.

"One of those days"

Even though we tend to suffer one of those days every time we're meant to be witnessing the necessary move up to the next level. You sort of kind of can't blame some peoples reaction.

And that's the crux of it. The reason why everyone despondently frowned as they turned the pages of the 'How to throw away points by Tottenham Hotspur' manual and in unison sighed at the predictable outcome at the final whistle. This was textbook. But then why do people act so surprised when it happens?

Pre-match, I was confident. Teasing and (tongue in cheek) asking for a 4-0 away win. I wasn't alone, although being a Spurs fan, you almost know that in the type of games you're expected to win you usually falter. Everton, depleted, but perhaps not unconscious in a shallow grave as most assumed. I called for 'mental strength'. And once again, Miss Irony lashes out and slaps me across the face. How dare I insult her.

"This season is going to be tight, and these are the types of tests we need to pass with flying colours"

Famous last words from me.

Congratulations to Everton on their victory. However, had Defoe taken the penalty with any sort of ruthlessness then the aftermath wouldn't be half as dramatic as it is at the moment. We'd have won, and there would have been the same questions about certain areas of our play but I guarantee you there would also have been plenty of 'this is what Top 4 clubs do, they win games no matter the obstacles they face' types of bravado. And yet, the miss means that we are suddenly not good enough. The logic used with some of our fans is based on a game-to-game template. The expectations are complicated, rather than simplified. And everything that has come before is rendered redundant based on the 90 minutes of football just played.

We fucked up. There's no doubting it. 19 attempts on goal, we (again) looked like the home side in an away match. 4-0 would have been the outcome had we been a touch sharper. The match was lost not on the Everton comeback or the penalty miss but the lack of clinical finishing. Up until the final 20 minutes Everton were plucky and physical and bullish but had little to offer in the way of goal opportunities. That was until we gladly allowed them the time and space to score.

Rather than assert ourselves we let them progress forwards. Wave and wave of ugly snarling effective football. Ominous it was.

And this is where my conflict sat and why so many knee-jerked after the game. Why oh why do we always allow sides back in when we've bossed the game? Answer? No leadership. Imagine a Roy Keane in the middle of the park barking out orders. Harry has come in for some slack for not motivating from the touchline or making substitutions that make no sense. I'm waiting for the theory that he hypnotised Wilson Palacios and forced him to spread the ball out to Coleman (lovely player) who was left with space ahead of him and the next time we touched the ball was to take it to the centre of the pitch to kick-off.

Bale was slaughtered by most, but how many noticed Niko drifting into no man's land and leaving Gareth alone to face two Everton players? He stood little chance. Although that's not to say he looked comfortable at left-back (brought on because BAE was losing his head). Bale is probably more suited for the left-midfield position anyway, as it appears our coaches have done little to improve his defensive qualities.

It's amazing that from a position of complete authority and control, I was willing on the final whistle towards the end. Again, here festers my conflict. We've seen this so many times. But once more, I call lack of leadership on the pitch as the main reason for the inept surrendering of two points. Losing shape and concentration is proof that mental strength is still lagging desperately. As though we had switched off at 2-0 up and decided the game was done, rather than perhaps step up a gear and score a third.

Wilson, who had an indifferent game (very untidy at the start, but introduced a little bite later on) won us the penalty and was then carted off to hospital. I'm certain I was not alone in thinking JD would miss. But then most people would think that (regardless of the team/player) because it was one of those matches full of twists and turns. And it's Tottenham and making us suffer is what they do best.

Then the knee-jerking hellmouth explodes releasing all manners of over-reactions and ridiculous analysis, including a personal favourite where some people thought Harry should have got Keane on the pitch to take the penalty. The same Keane that most prefer to have sitting on the bench…forever. Another gem was the question that asked whether Defoe is over-rated. Yes he is. Because he missed a penalty. Send him back to Pompey the useless git. He only ever scores when it doesn't matter. Fabio should drop him from the England team.

So, am I still conflicted? No. Not really. I'm still gutted. More so than the home defeat to Stoke. Could have been worse, we could have been two-nil up to West Ham and let it slip. But it's Monday morning, and I'm still pissed that we failed to kill the game off. And in the past we'd have been happy with a point. But times have changed. The frustration is that times need to be changing further. It's in need of some tweaking.

Whether you blame Harry for this (killing a game off) inability is dependent on how patient you are and how long you believe a learning curve should last for. There's that old chestnut about how no matter the players no matter the staff no matter the manager - the same reoccurring problems exist. Years and years of devolution (with the occasional spike) can not be fixed over-night. When Harry took over we had a mixture of good and bad players who were all under-performing. He's got us up to where we should be based on the squad we have. The underlining problem still at large is that we are still lacking that little bit extra. That mental resolve comes with belief and if you don’t have players on the pitch who led by example and scream and shout orders to others then it's easy for the complacency to creep back into a performance.

Of course, you might deem my conclusion to be optimistic. Denial? No massive massive knee-jerk? Sorry to disappoint.

We're in good shape. And had that pen gone in, we'd be third. We are still top 4 and we've got Wolves at home next. And if we manage to beat City in the following game, watch how a single 90 minutes once more changes opinions from one side of the spectrum to the other. Because Villa and City have suddenly woke up, some of our fans are citing how this is not good news because we faltered and thus we have shown a weakness too great to overcome. Regardless of the fact City drew 7 on the trot and Villa have been a little inconsistent in places. The fact both won means their 90 minutes of football out-weighs our, and therefore they are in a stronger position because they are about to improve tenfold. It's wonderful logic.

This season hasn't even got started yet. Nothing has change from 4 weeks ago to now. We still need a new midfielder. Other clubs around us will drop points. At some point we will have to step up to that fabled next level, the level where we would have beaten Everton. Next time out, in a similar situation, if we lose our heads again in the same fashion - then rather than knee-jerk, we should just admit we don't quite have it in us and Harry/the players have failed to learn from prior lessons.

You might pose the question that there's no room for this type of complacency and that points dropped now are irreversible damaging our season. I guess opinions on this will remain divided.

My confliction is now resting deep in its own shallow grave. Don't compare the disappoint of this game to games of similar ilk from past seasons. We tend to react positively nowadays. We learn and move onwards. We're not about to implode.

The reports of our death have been greatly exaggerated.  

Get a grip and dry them.