Why Spurs are naff at set-pieces

It's like watching the Fellowship of the Ring.

It's happened again

According to various sources, West Ham have fought off a last ditch attempt by Spurs to sign Scott Parker. Like fuck they did. Parker turned us down twice before (first joining Chelsea, and then going to Newcastle). I find it highly dubious that we would go in for him a 3rd time, considering the players we have already. Though it would be unsurprising, as it follows a trend Levy is guilty of.

Signing a player who huffs and puffs but still fails to dominate the midfield would only drag us down rather than up. NRC is a far more effective player. Parker is, in a word, overrated. Add injury prone and inconsistent to that list, that somehow manages to amount to 40/50k in wages.

So, regardless of the facts concerning if we did make a last ditch attempt or not, I'm quite happy for this one dimensional Charlton reject to continue looking away from White Hart Lane.

Smokescreen my arse

Man Utd sign Portugeuse Spurs left-wing target Nani, and also bag Brazilian Anderson. Nani will replace Giggs in the long run and Anderson will slot into midfield, probably as a long-term replacement for Scholes. As for us? We are left with a key to a room in Fawlty Towers contemplating another near miss in the transfer market while trying to explain to the Spanish porter that we were never interested in signing Nani in the first place or had the foresight to consider Anderson.

Qué?

Yeah, well Qué indeed.

I don't believe our failure to sign Nani to finally resolve the left-sided midfield problem is in fact a smokescreen. That's just an excuse for our failings. We went in for him. We failed to sign him. Manchester United got stronger.

Or did it really happen like that? Wool over eyes? Levy maybe able to over spend on young British youth but when it comes to continential quality we have fallen short. But the ironic thing is, we never stood a chance of signing him anway. Levy was piggy-backing on the hype so that we would be seen to be actively searching for top class players.

Not going for anyone and not signing anyone is obviously not as 'positive' as going for players, but still failing. And, as we know, if there's one team that excels at nearly signing someone, its us.

Giles Barnes is a gooner

If you ever happen to hear someone singing in the shower, don't jump to any conclusions about the lyrics being sang just because you can make out the tune. 'Do Do Do Nigel Mediocre' can quite easily sound like 'Nigel Reo-Coker' from the bottom of the stairs. And anyone choosing to Sky+ Derby v WBA game is only doing it, so they have something to fall asleep to if when they suffer from a bout of insomnia.

I may have got my wires crossed (see previous blogs). Though, I think I prefer to believe that in both instances, I was purposely mis-directed. Seems the player got played. Anyway...

It would appear that Barnes is actually an Arsenal fan, who still had intentions to sign for us back in January, but because he mis-kicked a ball into the path of Pearson on Sunday at Wembley, Derby's MVP fancies himself more so than ever before. Bigger fish to fry and all that jazz. And the lad wasn't even 100% fit. What a legend.

Git

Apparently, he wants to stay at Derby and has been quoted today, bragging about his support of the pikeys and the fact he has a 3 year contract at Derby. Yeah, like he's gonna be with them for the next 3 years. Sol Campbell school of PR.

But then again, do we care? Do we need Barnes? Did we simply want him because we were linked to him? Where would he fit in anyway? Whats the point in having Barnes and Huddlestone and Taarabt? And there's still Jenas. And Ghaly. And one or two others loitering about. I know Levy likes to collect midfielders like I collect upskirt pictures, but there's so much 'young talent' you can get your hands on. I'm talking about purchasing footballers here and not girls in short skirts. Can never get enough of girls in short skirts.

Huddlestone and Lennon will be gutted to hear Giles state his intentions of loyalty. Barnes would have made a perfect additon to the Bling Squad. Apparently Gacoignesque on the pitch (though more than likely in the same way Huddlestone is allegedly Hoddlesque) and thus will avoid Spurs at all costs and aim for Manchester United or his boyhood club the Woolwich Arsenal, where I'm sure he will win the FIFA Player of the Year award repeatedly for years to come. Joining Spurs is surely a side-step move for this prestigious prodigy. So congrats to him for figuring it out early.

So, all the ITK's claiming this one was done and dusted months back, seems you also got pwnd by nothing more than misguided whorage.

As for NRC - another player that wants to maneuver himself a move to Arsenal and avoid Spurs. I'm going to sit back at this point and see what our beloved chairman and Martin Jol (our big teddy bear of a Dutch manager) aim for now that a left back has been purchased and we have 3 or so positions to fill.

There's one or two players on their way out......but will Spurs 'sell out' to bring in players that are not necessarily needed?

After two knock-backs (and let's face it, avoiding paying over the odds for young British talent when theres far better players on the continent isn't something to be red-faced about.....oops, Bale) I'm hoping that Levy doesn't go full circle and actually go back in for these two. They are not needed. So let's see where they end up.

more pish

I'm beginning to believe that maybe these ITK characters know as much as a blind and deaf fly thats high and intoxicated on dog shit. I wasn't out and about today due to the textbook Bank holiday weather. Preferred to remain indoors, working on one or two projects. And then this gem was posted on a forum:

"today/lates tom kalboul the auxere fella announced then

after that as most kno by now the target is to get nani,bent....

massive chance defoe going few in for him

also if we get a replacment they are happy with they would take the 10 mil on offer from chelsea which is true fact... (chimbonda)

will be a very busy few weeks

ghaly,mido priorties to get rid off

stalteri and tanio our on last years of contract and jol especially in teemus case is happy to let them see it out...."

So, just in case you are not understanding the above quote, this is whorage. In the know information that has been overheard/passed on/taken/eavesdropped/told in confidence/seen from a tree. Or perhaps, on this occassion, Ben (the author) simply read The News of the World over the weekend and then asked a random four-year old to dictate his findings.

Perhaps, this Ben character (if that really is his name) is nothing more than an Agent of Levy. Disinformation to go with his tree-theatrics. Placing his treeatrics aside for a moment, one has to question the logic of Chelsea chasing Chimbonda and wanting to spend £10M on him rather than the young and brilliant Daniel Alves. As for Mido and Ghaly, well I wonder what gives any ITK the idea that the probability of them remaining at Spurs is not so great.

Oh, and Robbie Keane signed a new 5 year contract today. But I'm guessing nobody at Spurs has bothered to talk about that openly, hence the reason you didn't hear the news on a forum 2 days ago.

I am In The Know

So, there I am. Downstairs in the living room. Considering pouring myself a glass of port (but not doing so) and looking around for any mislaid documentation or a blackberry (no such luck). Showers running upstairs, and I can hear singing. Now, I’m no Jason Bourne or James Bond. But I have certain skills and abilities that allow me to, let’s say, find a way in when I’m uninvited. And this blog entry (devoid of any actual circumstantial facts) would be inadmissible in a court of law. Just a deluded fantasy of an obsessed fan, your honour.

But even though I spent just 5 minutes before departing into the night, I took with me two rather glorious tips that would suggest that two new signings are in the offing. On Sky+, Derby v WBA is set to be recorded. And as for the singing in the shower? Do do do…..

That’s right. There’s no need to hang around the Lodge up a tree or rely on a tea-lady that might have heard something in the corridor while taking tea and biscuits to a board meeting. No sir. This is nailed on.

Giles Barnes and Nigel Reo-Coker are done deals. Literally, from the horses mouth and his programme planner.

And if you’re curious, he has a subscription to Television X.

Lennon

Twisted knee has ruled Lennon out of the England squad and wont take part against Brazil and Estonia. Blessing in disguise. The young lad is burnt out and needs a full summers rest so that he can be fit again to go out on the pull with Huddlestone and the rest of his Bling Squad.

Bale Signs

Shock horror. We've bought Bale. No other club made a last minute attempted hijack. Could argue no one else wanted to potentially mug themselves off with spunking £10M for a 17 year old. Sources are now suggesting £5M upfront, with £5M in future payments spread over the next few years and dependent on the success of the club in European competitions.

Spurs are also linked to Nani (though my guess is that this is agent induced gossip to force other clubs to bid for the 20 year old 'the next Ronaldo'). And Nigel Reo-Coker along with Bent (which seems to be the tabloids other fav piece of whorage in recent weeks). And the summer has yet to begin.

Back to Bale. Do I politely applaud Levy for this one? TBH I don't find myself as excited with this signing as I was when we purchased Andrew Reid from Nottm Forest. I have however changed my opinion on the 17 year old having read the comments of other fans (WHU, Arsenal, Utd etc) and that they claim we have signed a wonderfully gifted player. Hypocrite I hear you spit out while you read this. Not quite, and maybe its the medication thats making me momentarily delirious, but maybe the signing of this player isn't a bad deal after all.

The Missing Link

I haven't seen Bale play, unless you count the Youtube footage of his freekicks. Gareth's large pointy-out ears give him the uncanny ability of using them as radars to place them into the back of the net. The ball, not his ears. That would be a touch surreal.

I can't believe that players are bought on performances in the Championship.......considering we forked out a few million for Raziak who was storming the second tier of English football yet utterly out of his element in the Prem.

Still re: Bale and his freekicks; not quite the same impact of a jinxing run down the wing by the Reidmiester. But still impressive enough for me to give him the benefit of the doubt. As for Levy - do not make the mistake of taking this as an endorsement of support from me. Players want to join a massive club like Spurs, regardless of the chairman. I was quick to be critical of Bale simply because Levy has a track record of disappointing us and spending £8M on Jenas is enough for anyone to question the club's sense in the transfer market.

A word from a former hero

GRAHAM ROBERTS believes chairman Daniel Levy must not allow Dimitar Berbatov to join Manchester United. The former Spurs hard man commented: “If Spurs ever sell him, the chairman should be shot! You never sell your best players and he’s the best they’ve got.

Finally, a kindred spirit with the same passion for the club I have. Graham, if you're interested, e-mail me. I know a decent outfitter that offers fishing, shooting and hunting. We'd have a blast. But obviously, we would need to retain an element of professionalism. Especially with rifle and hand-gun practice. We wouldn't want the embarrassment of a Hinckley/Reagan incident.

May God have mercy on your soul

Berbatov fee agreed with Man Utd - £27 million plus Saha

Medical on 29 May 2007

The above is on various Internet message boards. If true, the streets of Tottenham will burn, burn with my apocalyptic anger and vengeful fists of furistic fury. I'll come down so hard on the club and Levy it will be like Hiroshima but without the atomic bomb. Just a lot of strong worded graffiti and water-balloons consisting of 2 week old urine and frozen shit pellets fired from a state of the art pocket catapult. Like most Spurs fans, I am now resigned to losing the brilliant Bulgarian. A player marked with the world-class stamp that is deserving of Champions League.

Sit back and watch us take another step backwards, in the only way we know how. Bent over, being taken bareback and asking to take it in the face.

Levy. Damn you.

Will Gareth bale out?

I would have liked to say I have photographic evidence of Gareth Bale arriving at The Lodge for his Spurs medical. I would have liked to say I caught a glimpse of his agent laughing into his mobile and stating how its a done deal. However, I got nowhere to being in a position of comfort.

Now, I know that I have stated already in this blog that I will report on all ITK transfer rumours, but people who know me, know that I do not have much time for all this type of nonsense. If a player is set to join a club, knowing about it 24 hours / one week / two weeks before it happens amounts to nothing. If the deal is going to happen, its going to happen - makes no difference. And I've found in the past all it serves to do is embarrass Levy and the general incompetence in the transfer market (Rivaldo, anyone?). But still, it serves a purpose to illustrate the goings-on at the club.

I'm also suspicious that Man Utd haven't done anything in the way of bidding for Bale this time round. It cant be because they have spunked all their money on Hargreaves. Perhaps its because they have just enough left to buy Berbatov. So they wont bid for Bale so that they wont fall out with Levy, making it easier for them to sign Berbatov with the dollars they have left. If Bale signs, then say goodbye to Berbatov.....says the conspiracy theorist in me.

But lets place the Berbs speculation aside for a moment and go back to my visit at the Lodge today. As stated, I got nowhere near to seeing anything, mainly due to one individual. Someone I thought would be harmless and in fact believed could be a future ally. Instead he has proven to be a nemesis. I'm talking about Ben. The man up the tree.

Kinda ironic that his name is Ben because it was like an episode of Lost. And I was John Locke. Trying to get to the hatch (in this case a tree) and finding myself avoiding various traps designed to stop me (I'm still removing the pins from my arse, though technically speaking that never happened to Locke). The only advantage point is that fucking tree and getting to it is proving harder than Hurley losing weight on an Island that has no supply of junk food. Which should be easy - but its not, which is why this is causing me so much grief.

The pins were one thing, the bee hive - that was pure evil. I'll tell you this much, Ben should be watching his back from this point onwards. I need information, not for the purpose of ego and telling people news that they will find out eventually anyway. I need it so that I can use it against Levy. My chronicle far outweighs his. Anyway, I came home to find the following posted on various Spurs forums - via Ben:

Out for most of day quick update

all will be tied up today ie bale....they got him last night from cardiff and briningigng him down this morning .southampton were peed of the news broke to sky ect...hence a delay....his medical will be this afternoon and hoping to announce this evening...but there will be no problems now unless he fails his medical

kalaboul as drgaon said will be announced monday but thats all done and dusted...

bent is player 3 we will get it done im sure in the next week or so there confident...

also dont rule big crouch out or even pedersen

All this from a fucking tree!!! I want its secrets. He doesn't own it, and if he does I demand to see the deeds. I did manage to catch a glimpse of the player arriving at Holly House which is a private hospital in Buckhurst Hill which the club use. No trees, but several bushes, one of which was my home for a couple of hours. Bale, was walking and looked fine, but I was unable to read enough from his body language and general self-being to know what his was thinking. He wasn't skipping too and from the hospital. But at the same time, he wasn't kicking a can along the ground despondently. My guesstimate would be is that he might sign. I'm not the only one that has come to this conclusion.

Sources close to the family say its a done deal. Agent fees and bits of the contract are left before final signature is penned on paper.

With Kaboul set to sign, its potentially a 'good week' for the club. Scoff. Had you going again. Let's wait and see if Bale does sign on the dotted line. We can then look forward to the open-bus parade.

Bale Medical

Apparently, we are in for Bale. Story appeared on Sky Sports News, which was followed by a quick rejection by Southampton claiming they had not accepted any bid from Spurs. Soon after, sources close to Bale revealed (via the BBC) that a medical will take place today and that Bale will sign this week.

Disregarding what the press say the offer will be structured like so (I read this on an Internet Message board):

£6M up-front
£3M (£1M per year over the next three years)
£2M if we get into the Champions League

Shrewd Daniel. Southampton will never see the £2M. Which means we get the seventeen year old for £9M. So, that’s a left-back who has never played in the Prem before who isn't as good at defending as he is attacking...for £9M. Though rumour has it, he will play left-wing rather than left-back which means we need to buy another left-back and placing all hopes on a 17 year old left-winger who hasn't played top class football before is shocking.

So we have another glam signing to appease the fans who beg for the sexy rather than the efficient (not that Bale is sexy in any way - but he is class on Football Manager 2007 and Man Utd were linked to him). So, it makes us look like we are getting one over the 'top 4' by signing him. Another political move by Levy.

I'm making my way to the Lodge now to see if I can catch a glimpse of Bale arriving for the medical.