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Bum Rush

The photo to your left was the scene at todays 'training' session at the Lodge. While I was at work, slaving away in Microsoft PowerPoint and Project, wondering if I'll have a spare ten minutes to eat a sandwich from Pret, representatives of the club - the players - earning up to 3 or 4 times my wages were playing silly beggars with Radio celebrities.

This has obviously been sanctioned by Levy. A mis-guided attempt at tapping up the yoof of today, to make us look sexy and trendy via Radio and Internet coverage so that potential new 'untapped' fans don't select a top 4 club to support but choose us because our players know how to fuck about with Christopher Moyles and someone called 'Comedy Dave', who by the look of him would fit in wonderfully well in our back four along side Daft Dawson and Silly Stalteri.

The picture, above, serves only one positive, in that it appears like Robbo is about to catch something for the first time this season. Either that or he's dropping balls again. If we lose against Charlton on Monday I will hold the BBC partially responsible along with Levy and will aim for some form of compensation for dropping points. Otherwise, I'll be the one dropping something, as I bend down to greet him outside his driveway.

As for Jol, once more, he shows lack of backbone by allowing his authority to be undermined by the publicity machine which appears to take precedence over what is surely the most vital few weeks in the clubs recent history. No evidence that an actual first team training session took place today, and pictures don't lie.

I plan to take tomorrow off work and visit the Lodge.


Tier membership and the new home shirt

Levy's marketing department have struck twice in quick succession, digging their poison soaked spur deep into the chest of unexpected fans and ripping out their still beating hearts while they feast on the blood like starved vampires. I am quite obviously referring to:

  • The new Spurs 125th anniversary home shirt
  • The new membership scheme

Let's start with the membership. The tagline is:

“In a world full of Uniteds, Citys and Rovers, there is only One Hotspur.”

This should be re-worded to read:

"It's a world full of disappointments, let-downs and choking....yes, its Hotspur "

We have gone the way of tier membership, creating differing class of supporters within the North, South and East Stands (West Stand is corporate and thus does not count) and the angry discontent echos from Bruce Grove all the way to Northumberland Park. Its scandalous.

Here is the tier structure, stripped of its colourful (yet ultimately false) advertising hype:

One Hotspur Lilywhite – For the fan who prefers to sit on his armchair and watch Sky Sports because he feels priced out by the extortionate cost of watching Spurs live.

One Hotspur Bronze – For the fan who deludes himself with the fantasy that one day he will actually possess a season ticket in his own name. Identical to the Lilywhite option with the added illusion that Bronze means you're just that bit closer to watching all of Tottenham's home games. Make sure you bring your deck-chair as you take your place behind the other 23,000 mugs on the waiting list.

One Hotspur Silver – For the supporter who wants to suffer every league match and watch yet another transitional season unfold before their eyes. No discount for the 5 minutes you miss at the end of the game as you leave early to avoid the traffic home.

One Hotspur Gold – For the fan who already owns a season ticket and wants to once more attend every game played at home, in the League and Cup competitions (which are only won by the Top 4 clubs) by way of a home Season Ticket and subscription to the Home Cup-Tie Ticket Guarantee Scheme that allows the club to charge your credit card anything they like for European games. If we don't have Europe, a special discount takes effect, coinciding with early cup exits in the two domestic competitions.

One Hotspur Platinum – For the mug who wishes to go to every game, home and away through owning a home and away Season Ticket plus subscription to the Home and Away Cup-Tie Ticket Guarantee Scheme because he wishes the club to drain him of all his resources both finanacially and mentally until he is nothing more than a broken shell of a man, sitting in a rocking chair drooling like an old dog that needs to be taken out back and shot.

Yes, hand over your hard earned cash so that Levy can afford his bling lifestyle while the fans continue to ask questions why we are still light years away from being a top 4 club. But still charge top 4 prices for anything Tottenham related. I still believe in the theory that subliminal messages are being transmitted (how else can you explain the loyalty?), both visually via the Jumbotron and hidden within the lyrics of Chas and Daves 'Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur' and the ultra-depressive and dreary Manilow anthem 'Cant Smile Without You' that sometimes get's played at the end of games.

Some distrubed characters in the Park Lane Lower actually sing it - or should that be cough it out from the very depths of their lungs. Though it must surely be done in jest? Does strike me to be a form of terrace social commmentry with various satirical undertones that echo around the Lane as a testemant of rejection to Levy's Empire. No one could seriously compare 'Cant Smile Without You' with 'You'll Never Walk Alone', so why even attempt to sing it with a straight face?

Anyway, for the record, I will be opting for a Gold membership. This will allow me legal access into the ground, though the court order banning me from the West Stand is still in-effect (and will be so till late 2013).

Let's move onto the home shirt. 125 years of Tottenham Hotspur. Last year we got the Puma shirt. Incidently, 'Never Red' (the contradictory marketing campaign for the Spurs clothing range) doesn't include the shirt the players perform in. Which you'd think is the most prominent item associated with the club. And yet we get a splash of ugly red on the front of it. The shirt design itself was average. The 125th anni version appears to have de-evolved the design further.

The blue trims are gone and the collar has changed to a v-neck. That's some way to celebrate 125 years. Change hardly nothing on the design, then charge £40 for the privilage.

This is another blatant urination from above. It's an in-joke, I assure you, that Levy and the directors at the Lane deliver each season to prove the majority will pay for anything, no matter the quality or price and that they can continue to make profits off the backs of the brainwashed masses.

I will not be purchasing this, or any other replica shirt. I have no intentions of funding the infidel and his oppression. That, and the fact the club shop have repeatedly refused to print 'FUCK YOU LEVY' on the back of a shirt. Whatever happened to freedom of speech in this once great and proud country?


Field Report (2nd May)

Watched the Milan v Utd match this evening. Wonderful performance from the Italians, guided by the brilliant Kaka. 3-0 was a fair result on display, though I didn't quite catch much of the second half as the tv screen was obstructed and I didn't want to use my mobile to tune into 606 to listen to the commentary. The risk factor was too high. Jack Bauer never abuses his cell phone for personal usage when on a mission.

Luckily my PSP-10 Cybereye second generation multi-purpose night vision system with head-mountable (cushioned for comfort) and additional camera-adaptable, c/w 2 stage IR illuminator functionality gave me the option of concentrating on Mrs Levy via the upstairs bathroom window for a good twenty minutes, which provided me with ample alternative orientation, making full use of the Cybereye's recognition range. The hands-free makes this one of the best NVG's on the market.

Battery life could be better. And some kind of anti-squirrel alert mechanism would help. Vicious little buggers. And boy do they cry like bitches when they get dicked with pepper-spray.

Nothing much to report this evening. Levy made one outgoing call. He looked very excited and animated. Initially thought it had something to do with the story in the press today about Auxerre French defender Younes Kaboul joining as for £7.5M. The arrival of a Domino's pizza delivery boy thirty minutes later suggested otherwise. Tandoori Hot if you're wondering.

Left around 10:15pm. Urinated on his favourite rose bush.


Day Zero

I have returned from exile. And in addition, have decided to embrace the Internet and blog culture in my fight against the oppressor. Season ticket burning season is almost upon us with the 2007 footballing year drawing to a close, falling into the abyss that is the summer transfer window. My therapist says keeping a journal should help. Personally I believe excessive porn and midnight conversations with Jack Daniels will block out any reoccurring night terrors.

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