Pilgrimage

UEFA Cup group G
Anderlecht
Tottenham
Getafe
Hapoel Tel-Aviv
Aalborg

From spurs.co.uk:

"We will open our UEFA Cup Group Stage campaign with a home fixture against Getafe on Thursday October 25.

This will be followed by a trip to Tel Aviv to take on Hapoel on Thursday November 8 before Match day three brings the visit of Aalborg to the Lane on Thursday November 29.

Our participation in the Group Stage concludes when we travel to Belgium for the encounter with Anderlecht on either Wednesday December 5 or Thursday December 6."

So a trip to the promised land for the Tottenham massive. Though I can already envisage our defenders wandering in the wilderness for a good 40 years before finding the stadium. The dizzy motherfuckers.

Its a wonderful life

I wont dwell on the 1-1 draw out in Cyprus and the confusion over who the pub team was. And to quote Martin Jol:

“I still consider this game a clean sheet, if you see the goal there was a handball. They had two goalkeepers on the pitch.”

Yes, that’s correct. We actually won the game and Robinson didn’t concede. Turning everything into a joke is the best form of defence. The Spurs back four don’t have to fret too much about that. They’re all stand-up comedians in their own right.

And as for the forwards, whether its first on the team sheet, Robbie Keane or always on the bench Jermain Defoe – they all back the manager. Can’t remember which of the two stated the following gem:

“Everyone is behind the manager. Everyone,” he said. “People realise what the manager has done for this football club. It has been amazing. Since he came to the club he has done a great job, so why would anyone want to change this?"

Yes. Why would they? Levy? Any return trips to Spain? Unconfirmed reports suggesting Ramos has been sacked (though they remain unsubstantiated at this current time, even with Seville’s 5 games defeated on the spin). From the looks of it, Ramos is very much suited for taking the hot seat from Jol – who may well look towards Ajax for an escape route.

And in the mean time, Spurs sit 4th from bottom, though just 3 points from 11th place. And 8 points from 5th. It’s not exactly a mountain to climb on paper. But placing stats to one side, on form, it’s not something that equally looks possible. Though you can always shine the sun on it. 6 games unbeaten. A point at Anfield. But when the same old textbook fuck-ups occur (come on, I knew at the 70th minute mark that Liverpool would score in injury time – everyone did) you have to ask when will they learn? When will lady luck squat down over our face and give us a golden shower instead of the same old scat every given Saturday or Sunday?

"Get down from there! We need to save the cheerleader"

Nothing has really changed. Jol still looks like a man who knows he is on his way out. Spurs still lack any kind of true swagger or arrogance. Yes, spirit we have, but that’s not enough. You want to believe the players respect Martin – and they do appear to have some (if little) self-respect but it doesn’t appear to be enough on both counts. And some of our tactics have been just a tad desperate at times. Pinball football and, yes, Wimbledon tactics. Let the quote do the talking:

"It was mentioned to me that our goals on Sunday were out of the old Wimbledon manual and, I have to admit, it is something I literally called for at half-time. The important thing at the time was for us to win our battles and get behind the back four so I said ‘let’s use the Wimbledon style occasionally!

I like to have a build up, but on Sunday we were overplaying around our back four and in the middle of the park and we needed to get the ball to the strikers for them to use their quality. I think it is fair to say they did just that"

Tactical genius? Why not. When the players are incapable of playing neat and tidy and concise balls, then desperate times call for desperate measures. And lets not pretend we haven’t played the hoof ball for an age. It’s the only think Robinson is good at. But still, lets please look to play it on the deck. Its nauseating all this up in the air stuff.

And a little more concentration and some basic schoolboy level knowledge of defending would have had us holding out for all three points against Liverpool. And that simple basic achievement of victory would have taken us to 13th. Unlucky for some, but a sure-fire catapult to that wonderful world of self-belief.

We could go rock bottom when we play Newcastle. I’m sure that will jerk Levy into doing something rather obvious. No matter. 5th is out of reach unless Spurs turn back the clock to 2 years ago and begin to dominate games or have a little of that tenacious lucky streak that saw us turn games around countless of times.

Until then, we can wonder if Robinson will ever be dropped or if Berbatov will regain that lost Henryesque ego that allowed others to feed off him resulting in larfs and larks on the terraces, rather than the abject distaste of misery.

1 win all season, 4th from bottom

Says it all.

When I defeat this horrid chest infection I will round-up the past week or so with the usual inane ramblings of a man who wished he was a teenager in 1961. Not just for the football, but the birds back then wore exceptionally high mini-skirts.

There's only one Graham Roberts

Review: Spurs 4 Villa 4

Where do I begin? Let’s start with the pint I was enjoying in Bootlaces.

ME: What way are you going home after the game?
MATE: Seven Sisters
ME: I’ll meet you then, outside the ground opposite the Park Lane lower entrance after the game.
MATE: Ok.
ME: If we;re two goals down I’m leaving at 80 minutes
MATE: What if we got one back?
ME: I’d give it an extra 5 minutes
MATE: Ok.

My mate left at 4-2. I stuck it out with the intention of burning my season ticket. Footballs a funny old game.

It was a given that we would get dicked. 125 years of constant heart palpitations has made it clear to me that Spurs never turn up for these type of occasions. Yes, the flag waving was rather pretty, but when the game kicked off there was yet another subdued atmosphere in the ground. Spurs fans have lost their verbal swagger. And when you take a look at the table, it’s obvious why. We have been shit this season and its Daniel Levy and his minions who are at fault. Caught with their proverbial pants down, there is no way of rectifying the shattering loss of confidence that Jol has suffered and as a consequence infected the players - who seem to be playing at around 45% at the moment.

The celebrations before the game included several legends (no Graham Roberts) and stood as a testament to the fact that we are firmly lodged in the past. Yes, a glorious past, but Spurs have anchored themselves to comparisons that seem to cause us more harm than good. The Bill Nicholson tributes were very touching. The man will forever be Mr Tottenham Hotspur. He has given us an almost impossible task of revisiting those achievements. Fan expectation is damaging.

With all the hype and colour and noise, the only positive was that the game wasn’t on Sky Sports. The twenty or so people watching Setanta would have then seen an almost comical game of football that only Spurs (and at a push, WHU) are capable of producing. The recent survey that placed Spurs at the top of the ‘most stressful team to support’ table was duly justified. We’ve suffered more heart-stopping moments that any other group of fans in the Prem League thanks to a relatively high number of narrow margin victories and defeats. I lost about 10 years off my life watching this game and by my calculations I’m due to die in the middle of next week having accumulated one too many of these horrid joyful experiences.

Aston Villa lost the three points at around the 3-1 mark. Martin O’Neil fucked up in a big way having his team sit back and allowing our midfield space and time on the ball. Before that Robinson did his upmost to continue his implosion with two tragic mistakes – a fumble and the other through his legs. And in fact the free-kick was also arguably his fault as he did his trademark jump to the left before attempting to dive to the right. All his talk about winning and confidence in the match day programme, once more ironically cruel. Time to ‘rest’ Robbo.

Berbatov’s goal was easy but he’s another player I’m concerned about. He looks unfit, lethargic. No sharpness and worryingly absolutely no arrogance at all. His problems look more personal and are probably not football related - but that's just an opinion. I hope he recovers from the lack of form in time to drag us out of the bottom three. The 1-0 was short lived and by 3-1 the Villa fans were the ones celebrating with a cheeky rendition of Happy Birthday (applauded by us, because, lets face it…it was funny).

At 4-1 fans started to leave. And who would blame them? Yeah sure, statistically we had more possession and shots on goal but that means little when you defend like drunk Keystone Cop on rollerskates. We are a team of individuals cello-taped together rather than one unit playing for each other. And players can only play to the managers instructions.

Four goals at home is unacceptable and when you dominate (half-arsed) the opening 20 minutes only to see players react so negatively to an equaliser, it's further proof that even though the players state their respect and loyalty to Jol – there appears to be a lack of true belief. They all looked as disillusioned as the fans were. Until Chimbonda scored Tottenham were as shit as the days under Gross and Francis. But that loyalty to Jol - displayed by team spirit - came to fruition.

With Villa sitting back and the crowd sensing something just might happen we notched up two more goals (3 goals in 20 minutes), surely saving Jol from the sack this morning – though arguably he knows he’s going and I doubt he will be at the helm by the time we visit Newcastle. A Spurs fan summed it up perfectly with describing our comeback as ‘crash bang wallop’ tactics. Yes – they showed determination and spirit (finally) but there was nothing sublime about it.

I won’t deny that the 4th goal made me celebrate like a husband who returns home from work to find his wife has organised a 'coke and hookers' surprise party for him. From beyond the brink of defeat to saving one point and saving me from one week of supporting Arsenal – you can only cry with laughter at how typical Spurs this was.

Happy Birthday indeed. Still 3rd from bottom and no doubt a UEFA Cup spot is looking highly unlikely (relegation still highly improbable) – making this season nothing more than a disaster. If Levy had left Jol alone, then on confidence alone Spurs would be mid-table or higher and within touching distance of 5th. Instead, no confidence on the pitch and in the terraces leaves us facing a season that will get worse before it gets better.

Graham Roberts wasn’t just missing from the Legends Parade last night. His spirit wasn’t anywhere to be seen on the pitch either.

It’s time for us to give this era a big hug and stick it in a cab out of Tottenham.

One Hundred and Twenty Five

This coming Monday will be fascinating. Spurs at home to Aston Villa, and after this weekends batch of games we could be second from bottom – so you would expect that winning and collecting three points will be the main focus for everyone at the club. Instead, we will be treated to a celebration of 125 Glorious years (with around 90 years of mediocrity mixed in), which includes the match day programme setting you back £10. Another case of 'Spurs fans are mugs so let's charge them the earth'. If you've got a few grand spare (4k) in your back pocket then don't bother with this, get your hands on the Opus book instead. Fuck it, just send the deed to your house to Daniel Levy and be fucking done with it.

However, I like the idea of White Hart Lane being illuminated with lights and projections with additional searchlights beaming into the sky to herald our anniversary. The muggers on Tottenham high road will see profits dip momentarily with the lack of shadows where they usually work their magic.

There's more. The high road alongside WHL will include images of our legends (if Freund isn't up there I will be bitterly disappointed). Again, nice to be reminded that 46 years ago we were the dog’s bollocks. You know the sixties. Nineteen sixty one to be precise. Nicholson. Blanchflower. Mackay. Black and white tv's. Everyone shagging Jimmy Greaves wife. Football boots that weighed a ton. League title and FA Cup winners. In the same season. First time this century. Last century. 1900's. The double, you know. History. It's what this club is about. Winning it. When it mattered. Because back then football was salt of the earth. Meant more than it does now. Irrelevant that every other club we considered rivals have left us behind while we hug onto a distant memory. 1961. Bobby Smith and all that. Play those old skool tapes on the Jumbotron again with that emotional Star Wars music to really show the world what we're about. In your face, present day. Stick it up your arse.

There's more. The special commemorative flag which apparently will ‘help create a carnival party atmosphere in the stands’ must surely be Levy’s pièce de résistance, because no amount of flag waving will stop our calamity defence conceding goals while Villa dick us and our 125th celebrations turn into a complete farce. So unless there's a Martin O'Neil voodoo doll attached, this type of thing is better left to clubs who do it better, like Arsenal and their hymn sheets and their singing sections. Oh look how pretty the Lane is with all those colours......and, oh, 2-0 Villa....but look, look, I see a Holsten shirt on the Shelf Side and that bloke over there is wearing three scarf's, what a nutter!

Games like this have textbook egg-on-face potential. I would expect (and hope) that the desired effect is one of majestic inspiration. What a perfect occasion one would think, to help elevate ourselves from the bottom three and finally put in a Premiership performance we can be proud of. With Newcastle and Liverpool to follow (both away) – this game is almost do or die (with 0 points to follow from those next 2 games based on previous history).

‘Oh Spooky, why oh why are you so negative?’

I’m not being negative. I keep expecting the team to click into place but we seem to shut down more often than a Windows operating system. The anti-virus software can’t seem to quarantine the Levy trojan and with the hard drive decimated with bad sectors a re-format is on the cards.

Time to change to Linux?

If we lose against Aston Villa at home I will support Arsenal for one week. Yes. Arsenal.

This is not an act of Judasness. This is much like what Mahatma Gandhi did back in the day. This is the highest form of protest, one that surpasses boycotting the Spurs shop or burning a season ticket. I am doing the unimaginable to prove just how much I love the club.

This coming Monday will be fascinating.

Spurs 2 Boro 0

The Crowd: BOO BOO, What you subbing Defoe for? FFS, you don’t know what you’re doing!

Moments later…

1-0 Bale

Moments later again…

2-0 Hudd

The Crowd: WE LOVE MARTIN JOOOOOL, MARTING JOL LOVES US…..

Tactical masterstroke or sheer luck, regardless, nearly scoring goals is not good enough for Jermain or the team and Jol can be happy with himself for bringing on the Orish Ronaldinho and watching us finally break the deadlock against a Boro team full of superstars.

There is still no swagger or extreme determination. We still watch the game with the usual 'oh God, we're gonna lose this any minute' mentality. It wasn’t a bad performance though, but compare it to the past 2 seasons, there is something lacking – though again, we can put that down to all the theatrics off the pitch taking a substantial bite out of our progress. Or if you sit in the other school of thought - Jol is finally being shown up for someone who cant resolve problems that are now very much digging away at the teams moral and performance.

Defending (organisation) is still a mess. Jol is still being over-quoted by the press who seem to have Jol fighting out of a corner every day. Once more, if everything Levy and Jol are saying is true (harmony at the Lane) then why does Jol constantly say things that he knows the media will write up and exaggerate?

Anyways, 4th round for us in the Milk Cup. And a win is a win. For the moment at least, we can be proud of having Gareth Bale in our team - a young lad who is looking quite superb with 3 goals to his name.

Now if someone can find Kevin Prince-Boateng (last spotted in Sainsburys, Loughton) then please return to Martin Jol.

Levy bites back

MEDIA SPECULATION

Normally we only have to remind fans to ignore speculation during transfers windows, and we do that in the best interests of our playing staff and our supporters. Given the level of speculation about Martin and his position at the Club we feel it is necessary to do the same thing now.

Much of the reporting that has been carried since mid-August has been speculative and unfounded and accurately provided information has been disregarded.

Chairman, Daniel Levy stated, “There has been no board meeting, let alone any emergency board meeting, and reports that we have agreed a compensation package with Martin are wholly inaccurate - we have not even discussed the subject and there is no reason to do so. We will not allow ourselves to be side-tracked or undermined by external agendas or media hype. Our focus is on winning games.

“For the record Damien was not in Barcelona this weekend, he was watching Southampton v Barnsley!”

Who to believe? Would anyone really choose Barcelona over Southampton?

Tales of the Unexpected

So there I was, effigy in hand, in Daniel Levy’s basement.

How did I get there? Let’s just say it involved snorkels, eye-goggles and a faeces filled sewage pipeline. Was just about worth dating the rather mature lady from the Drainage and Irrigation department to get my hands on the underground layout. Only way in now that there's improved security on the ground level. The less said about swimming in shit the better. And don’t even ask about the night in the Holiday Inn with the irrigation lady. I couldn't sit down for three days after that little exploit.

The effigy remained undamaged, wrapped in air-tight plastic. Very proud of this creation. It’s the head of a Damien Comolli. It’s not the actual head of Comolli. That would be first degree murder. Its simply a very well done effigy of the Frenchman's boat race, eyes screaming ‘no’, neck ravaged, all very arty. The plan was simplicity. Enter the Levy Mansion via the basement and place the Comolli effigy on the bed of Daniel Levy. His wife will be in the gym, while Levy has an extra hour or two, probably enjoying a lucid dream where he is revered and worshipped by all. When he awakes, he sees Comolli’s detached head and understands the message after wetting the bed. The Director of Football hierarchy does not work.

Although I did not get the go-ahead from Martin Jol directly, I know in spirit, he approves of this evasive action. Unfortunately, there was no way out of the basement and into his home. My plan was fruitless. The steel door at the top of the basement stairs appeared to be triple-locked. The basement itself looked like it had hardly been used in sometime. Darkly lit, dusty and not what I expected from a millionaire chairman. I was thinking pool table, jukebox and possibly a tv. Not here.

There was a stack of old Mayfair magazines in one corner and a few hundred VHS tapes in the other. Old toys and bikes along with countless boxes made up the rest of this mundane underbelly of Levy’s crib.

Within all the tattered boxes was a crate. Very nondescript, but its wooden exterior made it stand out from all the cardboard, making me open it. It almost called out to me. Curiosity, I suppose. I was aghast with what I found. I momentarily blacked out, managing to avoid collapsing to the ground. I could taste puke in my mouth. The crate was positively rammed with Arsenal FC memorabilia. Old programmes, magazines, mugs, posters, scarfs and dozens of replica shirts ranging all the way back to the 1970’s. It was a sea of red and white. My throat ceased, I couldn’t scream out my pain. Suddenly, breathing in the fumes of shit in the sewer was a far more pleasant alternative than casting my eyes on this hell-in-a-box.

I closed the crate shut. Then kneeled down and stuck two-fingers down my throat. Several gag throw-ups later, I wiped away the tears and stood up feeling much better, all things considering.

I’ve seen some things in my life. I remember this one time, in a pub in Chingford, this bird (Emma Jenkins was her name) was there in the tightest white all-in-one body suit you’ve ever seen. Fit as anything you would wish to break your wrist over in the comfort of your own home. Maybe it was food poisoning or maybe too much drink, but she proceeded to shit herself a brown waterfall so sick that several other people started gagging with one poor soul slipping on the crap that had now covered her surrounding area. It was horrid. She stood there panic-stricken. Much like how I felt standing in Levy’s basement.

Our chairman has this darkest of secrets hidden, lost in time, in his basement.

I decided at this point it was time to leave, with effigy in hand. I could always Parcel Force it. I did however salvage the original Chirpy mascot outfit which sat in some black bins. Although I had no use for the ball-gag, handcuffs and anal-plug that Chirpy was wearing.

As I swam my escape route through the chocolate river of waste, only one thing bounced around my head. I truly am fighting the anti-cockerel. Daniel Levy is evil in its purist form.

And now I understand everything. Its crystal clear. Unlike the shit that leaked through my goggles on the way out.

Another point

Reports are now suggesting that Martin Jol ‘has’ agreed to a £4M pay-out and will leave the club once they have found a replacement. This follows on from newspaper reports that he was on his way out yesterday, which were then proceeded with denials from Martin stating the stories were ‘rubbish’.

All this after a rather unimaginative 1-1 draw against Bolton which saw the return of Zokora and TT and the exclusion of Bale (rested? why?) and Defoe. Another goal conceded from a set-piece, Jol looks less likely with each passing game to resolve the long-standing problems we have. And Levy’s Ramos-chasing and the never-ending back pages has resulted in Jol managing the team with an almost scared approach.

We’ve got Boro coming up, followed by Villa at home. Our 125th Anniversary year is one tainted by internal politics and mis-management. The only good thing I've read this past week is Berbatov committing himself to the club.

Five years into Levy’s reign, all we have is opportunism in the transfer market, buying players that look good on paper rather than buying players we actually need to improve team balance.

We may still be (near the) bottom a month from now. It’s not exactly a dream start and a third successive 5th spot is looking less likely with each week that passes. But then again, there’s over 90 points to play for.

Never say die.

The Spurcial One

Anorthosis Famagusta were a soft touch. Nice little confidence builder, nothing more. A couple of superb goals from Defoe (who seems genuine when he says he wants to stay) and also good to see Berbatov smiling on the bench and mucking around with the other players. Not seen him that animated all season. Not good to see that we cant keep a clean sheet against a pub team.

Extra special note to the away end last night. Surely White Hart Lane hasn't seen this much hair since the 1970's. Lively bunch, even though they look like they've been burrowed from an episode of Fraggle Rock. Disappoint of the night was not seeing the idiot with the Turkey flag wrapped around him (idiot Spurs fan) getting his arse kicked. Little bit of politics there.

This was always going to end in victory and makes the second leg nothing more than a nice sunny trip to Cyprus for fans and players.

Elsewhere, Spurs fans are jetting out to the land of make believe pleading that Levy makes a phone call to Jose. That phone call will probably happen, but with the Special One stating 'goodbyes' to his kids school teachers you get the feeling he is about to fly out of the UK to pastures new.

Jose to Spurs? Not in this dimension. Would be far too much of a challenge. Though how refreshing would it be for a manager to emulate Cloughie by leaving (Derby) Chelsea and going to (Forest) Spurs - and turning them from not-even-pretenders to champions. But we don't usually see 'world class' managers go down a peg or two to work themselves back up again. They want the foundations built before they get there. Not always (Fergie built an Empire at OT all on his own), but the likes of Fabio and Lippi usually have a set of extraordinary talent at the clubs to start of with. We have Berbatov. The rest aren't world class, though one or two might be in a few years.

Onto Sunday. Lose that and we could be bottom of the Prem. And the tabloids will then start rumourwhoring about Jol's future and 2+2= Jose.

Its never a dull moment supporting this lot. Though today, no matter where Jose's future is, I'm happy to see Chelsea fans cry their lickle eyes out with losing the best thing they've ever had. Though arguably, Roman is the best thing they've ever had. Without his money, they probably wouldn't even exist. God, I hate him. Could he have not just bought a few islands or something instead? That's what I would have done. Whores on one island, self-catering drug factory on the other and my own personal strip-club somewhere in the middle. These billionaires don't have a fucking clue how to live their lives.

Jose walks out on Chelsea

In your face, headhunters. The Roman Empire loses its emperor. If he was sacked then its even better. Anything to divert the attention away from White Hart Lane. Having another 'crisis' club dominating the tabloids suits me fine.

Proof that its not just the Director of Football setup that causes problems. Interfering chairman are also a pain in the arse.

Relegation Dogfight

Bolton away over the weekend. Lose that and surely we will be relegated by Christmas. Only King missing now, leaving him as our only major injured player. Hopefully this Thursday against the Cyprian village team we might get to see The Prince and more of Tarrabt (probably both on the bench). What everyone wants to see is a swagger and a smile from Berbatov. Though knowing Jol, as this is a home game, we might get Bent and Defoe upfront. Nah, of course we wont.

I'm away (again) from tomorrow till the following Thursday so once more the blog wont be updated during the late evenings and this weekend. Which means I wont be able to comment on the Bolton game till Monday.

If you were wondering about the downtime, no its not whores and coke. Rehab does work when you're not a rock star (lack of funds means the only way to fall off the rails is working a stint at Kings Cross - and I aint doing that again).

So, in a week and a bit I'll be able to update you with one or two of my ongoing projects and also catch up with all the latest in-fighting (Jol v Defoe) and board antics and of course the hissy fits of forum-dwelling Spurs fans.

Might have a fair bit to write if Bolton dick us.