Got any spare change, guv?

The Opus. This titanic half metre of memorabilia ranges between £4000, £6000 and £10000, depending on whether you purchase the club, captains or legends edition (price relates to the varying degrees of signatures from current and retired players and edition number) – making up 1000 limited editions of Tottenham’s 125 year history. This isn’t your bog-standard coffee table book. Probably because if your table isn’t made of reinforced steel, it will collapse under the weight. Not exactly an item the average Spurs fan can afford either. So why Spurs continue to ram the hype down our throats at every given opportunity is anyone’s guess. Not shifting many Daniel?

The Opus. For the rich.

We had a couple of ex-players looking at the book at half-time in a recent game. Blatant publicity stunt, as the bloke with the mic salivated his way through a sales pitch informing the crowd countless times how magical and amazing and brilliant the book was. The ex-players were kitted out in special gloves to not dirty up the glossy pages as they commentated on the pics and churned out antidotes about Bill Nick. The fact I can’t remember which of our beloved legends were involved in this PR stunt tells you how little attention I was wasting on the scripted dramatics. £600 or so on a season ticket is my limit, with the special added-value extra of being able to burn it any given time without remorse.

£10,000 is a deposit on a flat or house. £6,000 is a very decent car and £4000 is a couple of nights with an escort girl and a few grams. Spending any of those totals on a book is sheer vanity. Where’s the re-sell value? How many times can you stare at black and white pictures of men in shorts and various arty shots of White Hart Lane and its Cockerel?

If you’re the type of fan who must have everything, because you can’t deal with living without, Spurs have a couple of payment plans available just for you. A ‘buy now and pay later’ option along with personal loan instalments. A sly way for you to get into debt with the club. Default on the payments and Levy will have you selling bagels for the next 10 years.

Glory only comes in black and white

Yes, there are some unique photographs and newspaper articles and pre-historic match-day programmes that you probably won’t find anywhere else in any other publication. And with all proceeds from sales going to the Tottenham Hotspur Foundation, the club probably forked out a lot of money for the privilege (and apparent honour) to have this book commissioned and produced.

The irony that the only people who can afford this without denting their wallet are the players themselves is lost on the club. Get rid of the boring half-time QVC segment and drop leaflets over the West Stand upper if you want to clear stock quickly.

This is almost as bad the Chirpy revamp.

There's only one Graham Roberts

Review: Spurs 4 Villa 4

Where do I begin? Let’s start with the pint I was enjoying in Bootlaces.

ME: What way are you going home after the game?
MATE: Seven Sisters
ME: I’ll meet you then, outside the ground opposite the Park Lane lower entrance after the game.
MATE: Ok.
ME: If we;re two goals down I’m leaving at 80 minutes
MATE: What if we got one back?
ME: I’d give it an extra 5 minutes
MATE: Ok.

My mate left at 4-2. I stuck it out with the intention of burning my season ticket. Footballs a funny old game.

It was a given that we would get dicked. 125 years of constant heart palpitations has made it clear to me that Spurs never turn up for these type of occasions. Yes, the flag waving was rather pretty, but when the game kicked off there was yet another subdued atmosphere in the ground. Spurs fans have lost their verbal swagger. And when you take a look at the table, it’s obvious why. We have been shit this season and its Daniel Levy and his minions who are at fault. Caught with their proverbial pants down, there is no way of rectifying the shattering loss of confidence that Jol has suffered and as a consequence infected the players - who seem to be playing at around 45% at the moment.

The celebrations before the game included several legends (no Graham Roberts) and stood as a testament to the fact that we are firmly lodged in the past. Yes, a glorious past, but Spurs have anchored themselves to comparisons that seem to cause us more harm than good. The Bill Nicholson tributes were very touching. The man will forever be Mr Tottenham Hotspur. He has given us an almost impossible task of revisiting those achievements. Fan expectation is damaging.

With all the hype and colour and noise, the only positive was that the game wasn’t on Sky Sports. The twenty or so people watching Setanta would have then seen an almost comical game of football that only Spurs (and at a push, WHU) are capable of producing. The recent survey that placed Spurs at the top of the ‘most stressful team to support’ table was duly justified. We’ve suffered more heart-stopping moments that any other group of fans in the Prem League thanks to a relatively high number of narrow margin victories and defeats. I lost about 10 years off my life watching this game and by my calculations I’m due to die in the middle of next week having accumulated one too many of these horrid joyful experiences.

Aston Villa lost the three points at around the 3-1 mark. Martin O’Neil fucked up in a big way having his team sit back and allowing our midfield space and time on the ball. Before that Robinson did his upmost to continue his implosion with two tragic mistakes – a fumble and the other through his legs. And in fact the free-kick was also arguably his fault as he did his trademark jump to the left before attempting to dive to the right. All his talk about winning and confidence in the match day programme, once more ironically cruel. Time to ‘rest’ Robbo.

Berbatov’s goal was easy but he’s another player I’m concerned about. He looks unfit, lethargic. No sharpness and worryingly absolutely no arrogance at all. His problems look more personal and are probably not football related - but that's just an opinion. I hope he recovers from the lack of form in time to drag us out of the bottom three. The 1-0 was short lived and by 3-1 the Villa fans were the ones celebrating with a cheeky rendition of Happy Birthday (applauded by us, because, lets face it…it was funny).

At 4-1 fans started to leave. And who would blame them? Yeah sure, statistically we had more possession and shots on goal but that means little when you defend like drunk Keystone Cop on rollerskates. We are a team of individuals cello-taped together rather than one unit playing for each other. And players can only play to the managers instructions.

Four goals at home is unacceptable and when you dominate (half-arsed) the opening 20 minutes only to see players react so negatively to an equaliser, it's further proof that even though the players state their respect and loyalty to Jol – there appears to be a lack of true belief. They all looked as disillusioned as the fans were. Until Chimbonda scored Tottenham were as shit as the days under Gross and Francis. But that loyalty to Jol - displayed by team spirit - came to fruition.

With Villa sitting back and the crowd sensing something just might happen we notched up two more goals (3 goals in 20 minutes), surely saving Jol from the sack this morning – though arguably he knows he’s going and I doubt he will be at the helm by the time we visit Newcastle. A Spurs fan summed it up perfectly with describing our comeback as ‘crash bang wallop’ tactics. Yes – they showed determination and spirit (finally) but there was nothing sublime about it.

I won’t deny that the 4th goal made me celebrate like a husband who returns home from work to find his wife has organised a 'coke and hookers' surprise party for him. From beyond the brink of defeat to saving one point and saving me from one week of supporting Arsenal – you can only cry with laughter at how typical Spurs this was.

Happy Birthday indeed. Still 3rd from bottom and no doubt a UEFA Cup spot is looking highly unlikely (relegation still highly improbable) – making this season nothing more than a disaster. If Levy had left Jol alone, then on confidence alone Spurs would be mid-table or higher and within touching distance of 5th. Instead, no confidence on the pitch and in the terraces leaves us facing a season that will get worse before it gets better.

Graham Roberts wasn’t just missing from the Legends Parade last night. His spirit wasn’t anywhere to be seen on the pitch either.

It’s time for us to give this era a big hug and stick it in a cab out of Tottenham.

One Hundred and Twenty Five

This coming Monday will be fascinating. Spurs at home to Aston Villa, and after this weekends batch of games we could be second from bottom – so you would expect that winning and collecting three points will be the main focus for everyone at the club. Instead, we will be treated to a celebration of 125 Glorious years (with around 90 years of mediocrity mixed in), which includes the match day programme setting you back £10. Another case of 'Spurs fans are mugs so let's charge them the earth'. If you've got a few grand spare (4k) in your back pocket then don't bother with this, get your hands on the Opus book instead. Fuck it, just send the deed to your house to Daniel Levy and be fucking done with it.

However, I like the idea of White Hart Lane being illuminated with lights and projections with additional searchlights beaming into the sky to herald our anniversary. The muggers on Tottenham high road will see profits dip momentarily with the lack of shadows where they usually work their magic.

There's more. The high road alongside WHL will include images of our legends (if Freund isn't up there I will be bitterly disappointed). Again, nice to be reminded that 46 years ago we were the dog’s bollocks. You know the sixties. Nineteen sixty one to be precise. Nicholson. Blanchflower. Mackay. Black and white tv's. Everyone shagging Jimmy Greaves wife. Football boots that weighed a ton. League title and FA Cup winners. In the same season. First time this century. Last century. 1900's. The double, you know. History. It's what this club is about. Winning it. When it mattered. Because back then football was salt of the earth. Meant more than it does now. Irrelevant that every other club we considered rivals have left us behind while we hug onto a distant memory. 1961. Bobby Smith and all that. Play those old skool tapes on the Jumbotron again with that emotional Star Wars music to really show the world what we're about. In your face, present day. Stick it up your arse.

There's more. The special commemorative flag which apparently will ‘help create a carnival party atmosphere in the stands’ must surely be Levy’s pièce de résistance, because no amount of flag waving will stop our calamity defence conceding goals while Villa dick us and our 125th celebrations turn into a complete farce. So unless there's a Martin O'Neil voodoo doll attached, this type of thing is better left to clubs who do it better, like Arsenal and their hymn sheets and their singing sections. Oh look how pretty the Lane is with all those colours......and, oh, 2-0 Villa....but look, look, I see a Holsten shirt on the Shelf Side and that bloke over there is wearing three scarf's, what a nutter!

Games like this have textbook egg-on-face potential. I would expect (and hope) that the desired effect is one of majestic inspiration. What a perfect occasion one would think, to help elevate ourselves from the bottom three and finally put in a Premiership performance we can be proud of. With Newcastle and Liverpool to follow (both away) – this game is almost do or die (with 0 points to follow from those next 2 games based on previous history).

‘Oh Spooky, why oh why are you so negative?’

I’m not being negative. I keep expecting the team to click into place but we seem to shut down more often than a Windows operating system. The anti-virus software can’t seem to quarantine the Levy trojan and with the hard drive decimated with bad sectors a re-format is on the cards.

Time to change to Linux?

If we lose against Aston Villa at home I will support Arsenal for one week. Yes. Arsenal.

This is not an act of Judasness. This is much like what Mahatma Gandhi did back in the day. This is the highest form of protest, one that surpasses boycotting the Spurs shop or burning a season ticket. I am doing the unimaginable to prove just how much I love the club.

This coming Monday will be fascinating.

Another point

Reports are now suggesting that Martin Jol ‘has’ agreed to a £4M pay-out and will leave the club once they have found a replacement. This follows on from newspaper reports that he was on his way out yesterday, which were then proceeded with denials from Martin stating the stories were ‘rubbish’.

All this after a rather unimaginative 1-1 draw against Bolton which saw the return of Zokora and TT and the exclusion of Bale (rested? why?) and Defoe. Another goal conceded from a set-piece, Jol looks less likely with each passing game to resolve the long-standing problems we have. And Levy’s Ramos-chasing and the never-ending back pages has resulted in Jol managing the team with an almost scared approach.

We’ve got Boro coming up, followed by Villa at home. Our 125th Anniversary year is one tainted by internal politics and mis-management. The only good thing I've read this past week is Berbatov committing himself to the club.

Five years into Levy’s reign, all we have is opportunism in the transfer market, buying players that look good on paper rather than buying players we actually need to improve team balance.

We may still be (near the) bottom a month from now. It’s not exactly a dream start and a third successive 5th spot is looking less likely with each week that passes. But then again, there’s over 90 points to play for.

Never say die.