Serious relegation fears

Prem fixture list is out. Available in full here. Complete Spurs fixture list here.

We play the scum November 17th away and March 2nd (subject to usual TV rescheduling).

Chelsea at home on October 20th.

Opening day's fixture is away to Newcastle. Followed by Albion (H), Canaries (H), Reading (A) and Rangers (A). Then the obligatory capitulation at Old Trafford.

November looks tricky with City away followed by Woolwich at the swamp, West Ham and Liverpool at the Lane. No particularly obvious bad sequence of games other than Woolwich followed by Liverpool in March and Chelsea/City consecutively in April.

Xmas sees us entertain Stoke at home followed by Villa (Boxing Day) and Sunderland away and then Reading (New Years Eve) at home. Cheers Santa.

End of season,  lightly finishing (home in brackets) with Wigan, Southampton (H), Stoke, Sunderland (H).

Onwards.

Footnote (via Spurs): Due to our Europa League involvement, PL matches move from Sat to Sun as we progress. We enter EL at group stage in Sept. Draw on Aug 31.

Relegated by Christmas

Blatantly, the FA Premier League have implemented advanced code in their fixture list computer software to conspire once more against the mighty Tottenham Hotspur's push towards reclaiming a Champions League spot.

The season explodes with a Category A orgy. Let's hope we remember to bring some protection. I don't mind the opening game of the season being at the Lane against beatable opposition, but the following two appear to be of the ilk of mockery. Utd then City. September will be fine, with Liverpool at home sandwiched between Wolves and Wigan away (so that's D, W, D). Which then brings us onto the North London Derby, unceremoniously early for my liking on October 1st. The games from that point onwards up until we face Chelsea on the 20th December, I fancy with chest beating confidence.

It's the period after the new year that doesn't look very appealing. January is home town glory, punctured by an away game at the Eastlands which is never daunting (just saying we know how to play up there on their patch). February on the other hand is like buying a packet of Revels and finding every one you pick out to eat is coffee. March is equally tricky thanks to Man Utd and Chelsea, but points to be had at home I would guess. April is a good month. In fact, so is May.

Hold up, let's try this again.

It's the period after the new year that doesn't look very appealing that has me thinking we'll find our stride towards the leagues conclusion, with perhaps one or two hiccups but no chokes.

Let's face it, no matter how the fixtures are lined up, it's hardly relevant. Last season we had runs of games that were supposedly easy on paper and we faltered. The season before, the fixture list was nigh impossible and we trounced it.

In short: Remain difficult to beat at home and improve our win ratio compared to draws in comparison to the 2011 season. Away from home, no slip ups reminiscent to the Blackpool game.

Other than that, COYS. Fixture list today, world class forward tomorrow.

Challenge Spurs, ended

That went well. The fixtures were meant to act as a buffer in the way of accumulation of points before the actual run-in and the massive London Derby games and City at Eastlands. Two wins from five games, eight points gained, seven points wasted. But in the midst of it all, a Champions League quarter-final place and the return of Gareth Bale along with one or two others crawling their way to full match fitness.

Talking of which, nice touch with the contract revision + one year extension. That should add an extra £15M to any potential transfer this summer.

Just saying.

It's now end-game territory and if we couldn't afford to drop points at home on Saturday, then we most definitely cannot afford to drop points in our remaining home games. Backs to wall, it's time for some of that Tottenhamesque nail biting intensity and tenacity that saw us through the mire at the back end of last season ending with a celebration on the pitch at Eastlands that irked Barry Glendenning (which is always a good thing).

Wigan, away
Stoke, home
Arsenal, home
West Brom, home
Chelsea, away
Blackpool, home
Liverpool, away
Birmingham, home

+ City, away (once it's rearranged)

Five home games. Some tricky away from the Lane. It's almost like it's 2010 all over again. The three successive N17 games imperative to our march. The triple threat of Chelsea, Liverpool and City the key ones on our travels.

I should be nervous. I'm not. I'm more than up for this and will look towards our players to equal and better my belief that we can do this again. Shame about the mishaps and hiccups. But if you want to waste time with what ifs, don't forget to include all the what ifs the other clubs around us would want to bring to the theoretical Premier table that would have five teams sitting and sharing the top slot.

One of these days we're going to get it spot on and our complaints will centre on why our full backs don't score enough goals and BAE's afro whilst we sit comfortable in a CL position season in season out. Zany.

COYS.

Spurs v West Ham match report here.

Champions League Fixture Build-Up

by Fox Mulder

NOTE: After drafting this entry, Spooky enlightened me on a quite ridiculous rule that basically states that he isn't allowed to publish a premier league fixture list without paying a substantial fee. It goes something like this:

Fixtures from the four Leagues (Premier League, Football League, Scottish Premier League and Scottish Football League) are copyrighted to the Leagues and again cannot be reproduced without the relevant agreement in place. The license fee for showing the Premier League fixtures on your website within a club by  club order is £5,320 + VAT per season. Further fees can be identified on our website, www.football-dataco.com.

What delightful people.

So with that in mind, I hope the following makes sense to most of you.....

The other day I was flicking through the Mirror's fixtures pull-out and performing the annual ritual of working out where our good runs might happen, checking when we've got the goons and Chelsea, seeing which away games I could make it to, how many points I expect us to have by Xmas etc. You know the drill.

But this year I found myself doing something totally alien yet pleasantly exciting (matron!)

A glance across the page showed the schedule of Champions League fixtures for 2010/11.

Apologies if this is massively tempting fate and jumping the gun a little. But by christ this world cup has been pretty depressing so far. Not least because I'm living in Ibiza with my girlfriend at the moment and she won't let me watch all the games. "This is supposed to be my break from football" she decries, happily drowned out by the monotonous drones of 60,000 vuvuzelas.

Anyway, SUPPOSING we make it through the qualifiers, here's our fixture list intertwined with the Champions League group stage fixtures (i've stopped short of the knock-out rounds - if we get that far you won't need me to spell out the fixtures for you):

August

14 The team from Manchester that aren't as good as the other ones (H)

17/18 CL play-off 1st leg

21 Long-throw merchants that play in red and white (A)

24/25 CL play-off 2nd leg

28 We beat them 9-1 (H)

September

11 Not East Bromwich (A)

14/15 Group matchday 1

18 West Midlands dog-like creatures (H)

25 Dirty East End Pikeys (A)

28/29 Group matchday 2

October

2 Claret and Blue Brummies (H)

16 Formely Harrods FC (A)

19/20 Group matchday 3

23 Scousers that play in Blue (H)

30 The team from Manchester that are better than the other ones (A)

November

 2/3 Group matchday 4

6 Notlob (A)

9 Darren Bent and his new mates (H)

13 Dull Northern team managed by a fat bloke with delusions of grandeur, initials S.A. (H)

20 Trophyless foreign team based off Holloway Road (A)

23/24 Group matchday 5

27 Scousers that play in red (H)

December

4 Brummies that play in Blue (A)

07/08 Group matchday 6

11 Double-winning scum (H)

You often hear Fergie/Rafa/Arsene moaning about how they have a tricky away game after a champions league match blah blah blah so how does it pan out for us?

First the play-offs:

Stoke away after the first play-off leg having played man city only a week before - very tricky baptism of fire stuff.

Wigan at home after the second leg - a bit easier but will be the 5th game in 14 days, although you'd hope a few of the league games will get shunted back a day or so to accomodate.

Then (hopefully) onto the group stages:

Game 1 - followed by Wolves Home - about as kind as it could get provided we take them a little more seriously this time!

Game 2 - Villa Home - thankfully another homer but villa will be hard. hopefully they'll have also played in europe that week

Game 3 - Everton Home -  Another home game? The gods are smiling. Although Everton are another very tough and physical side to play after midweek european exploits

Game 4 - Bolton Away - well we never win there anyway and won't be fun if the lads have just flown back from somewhere like Russia

Game 5 - Liverpool Home - hopefully we'll turn them over again but the fact we have Arsenal away 7 days previous may take it's toll on the players. I guess it depends on if they decide to revel in the succession of massive games or shrink like Frank Lampard in an international tournament.

Game 6 - Chelsea Home - another massive test but a lot will depend on whether we've long been knocked out/qualified from our group or if it goes down to the final game.

So presumption aplenty then.

5 home games following midweek Euro exploits and an away trip to an average side. Sounds good on paper. It's enough to get Ol' Red Nose's cheeks a burning. But then consider that 4 of those teams are all rivals to the top 4 places this season.

But what is plainly obvious is that dining at European football's top table may leave us with a little bit of indigestion when it comes to the bread and butter of league football and trying to equal/better that fourth spot. Obviously we can't truly judge the fixtures until we know who we might play and where, but it doesn't take a genius to see that we are going to need to add a lot more real strength in depth to the squad in key areas. 

Exciting times.

RIP the Carling Cup...

Super Spurs

Fixture list for 2011 is out. As you've probably already seen it and read it a dozen times and worked out our potential points tally for the opening five or six games. Doesn't look too daunting this season as there appears to be no 'month from hell' (ala April of season past). Although that particular month of hell in the end turned out to be nothing more than a skip down the yellow brick road.

Obviously the most telling sign of the list is our inclusion in a couple of Sky Sports Super Sundays.

Feels a bit dirty, doesn't it?

Although I don't believe for a second that we will be embraced into the elite or have Howard Webb award as penalties. And I'm sure to compensate our arrival and aid Keyes and Gray, the Big Four will be refereed to us the Big Three (with an additional special mention to Liverpool and their divine right), and we'll continue to sit amongst the chasing pack again. Plucky Spurs, can they do it again? Quite happy for us to be underdogs/written off once more.

Having been scorned for so long as a team deluding ourselves that we could ever possibly finish 4th, having done so, the hype and pressure will now concern the retention of said position - as anything more would be considered a title challenge, and we're not quite up to that standard yet. Although continued stagnation for the likes of Arsenal (and if Liverpool fail to swim above water once more) we might find ourselves flirting with 'it'. Until Chelsea and Utd pull away once more. One step at a time. But if you look at how fragmented the goons were and yet how close they actually came - it's a very thin line between success and failure. And the line is almost as thin, separating us/others and 3rd spot.

Anything less than a sustained challenge to equal or better ourselves (i.e. failure to get into the CL group stages or/and finishing 5th or below) would be a bit gut wrenching. But it's a risk, the latter more so, because of the sheer openness of the Prem these days.

All depends on about a thousand things. I'm sure City will have their own ideas, if they don't muck up their cohesion with another major influx of players. Villa and Everton should never be discounted. And obviously our rivals, West Ham.

For THFC, there are two areas for improvement:

- Not losing to the newly promoted sides at home (or away for that matter). It's a trend we've seen in the past, but even amongst all the glory last season - we still suffered, especially at the Lane

- Winning a game away against a seasoned 'Top 4' side (Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool)

We've invaded Top 4 space. One of the seasoned members dislodged themselves. Others also harbour ambitions to knock on the door. There's no guest list, it's open invitation. You just have to get there before the lock in.

Fact is, if we do progress and do so with focus and intent and consolidate CL football season in season out, then our standing will change. And that dirty feeling will be near impossible to wash off.

The season starts here...

Ok, shake off the hangover of two successive defeats. Losing to the elite clubs is not relevant as we are not part of the Top 4 Sky Sports Grand Slam Super League. And as long as we impress and win in our other games we'll be in with a solid chance of challenging for the second tier Premier Title. 5th spot has never looked so appetising.

Ok, so we're missing Modric. Boo-hoo. We're not a one man team. Ok, so King is out injured again. And arguably we're a two-man team but even with these two monster players on the sidelines and Woodgate lost in the abyss of confusion with his mystery injury - we still have plenty to drag ourselves upwards and through the next month and a bit. No excuses. No typical knee-jerk confidence drainers. Forget Webb and his incompetency. Forget the injuries. Dig deep. Battle hard. We need to start taking responsibility and taking it out of the hands of the officials and reclaim residency of our own destiny.

One of my readers nailed it with this rather simplistic statement:

"No siege mentality, no determination to right the wrongs..."

Nail on the head. Harry has some work to do. The players need to find the next level of play. The aim should be that by the time Modric is back and ready for action, we're flying, and his return to the side is effortless, lifting us up further as the Spurs faithful struggle with their nosebleeds.

Ooh, I do like a bit of romanticisation.

This time last season some of you guys and girls will remember a certain series of games that carried significant importance. Yep, I'm referring to the epic 'The Dirty Dozen - Challenge Spurs™'. Harry's first 12 Prem games in our quest for survival. Emotional days. Click here to re-live all those scary moments that had you shivering under the covers, knowing that the creature under the bed would attack if it could smell your fear.

Last season's zany antics

But the challenge this time round is altogether different. Take last seasons prem table and turn it upside down. Failure would still be deemed as depressive. When isn't it? But unlike last term when we were God awful and playing our way into the Championship, this time round we are looking at a far more appeasing target. This isn't an official launch of the new Challenge Spurs series as I've yet to carefully craft a snazzy campaign poster. Think of this as a pre-launch party.

So, what's the actual challenge at hand? Five games.

(H) Burnley
(A) Bolton
(A) Pompey
(H) Stoke
(A) Arsenal

Five massive performances required. We've got 12 points as of right now. Am I being greedy asking for 12 more points before we play the scum away? Burnley will no doubt be plucky. Bolton away is a match where we hardly ever get anything out of. Pompey away sees Harry return to his old stomping ground. And Stoke at home is one of those 'we'll win this Shirley' games.

If we plan to look towards 6th/5th with any true intent and claim a deserved open bus parade, then we should be aspiring for another professional and clinical four game run. The Arsenal away game we can discuss at a later date. Because I'm hoping we go into that match on the back of another run of victories. Would make the game fairly significant.

So it's up to Harry to just take a moment to relax and not over think things tactically, obsessing how best to deal with the Luka conundrum. Against Burnley I'd simply play our original formation, swapping Niko for the absent Moddle. Left-wing sorted.

Stability aiding consistency and confidence.

CB positions obviously the main bugbear at the moment thanks to the decimation of our backline. Huddlestone to slot in at the back? Fingers crossed Dawson isn't too far off. It's also time for Gomes to return between the sticks. Crouch is deserving of a start up front with JD. Harry has to place the club in ahead of any individual, even one wearing a captains armband. Drop Keane for a game. It's ok. The universe won't collapse in on itself.

We have a decent tally of points. And the end-game of this brand spanking new Challenge is this:

13 points. Minimum.

No pressure.

15 Points, 8 Games...please

What a crock. The one time the FA give us an opening day home fixture they give us Liverpool. Man Utd get a newly promoted side at OT. Chelsea get Hull at Stamford Bridge. We get Liverpool. Still, we managed to ride our luck last time out at WHL and steal all three points, so hopefully a balanced confident side should be able to compete. We hope. I'm only really complaining in jest. I'm grateful for it. We all at Tottenham would like to thank you (the FA) for the privilege. At least Arsenal have been sent up to Everton for their opener. It's a minor miracle. But alas one that is dashed when you glance at the scums first 5 home games. That pesky fixture list mainframe does it again!

Obviously I can't post the the list in it's entirety or in part here because of intellectual copyright reasons (ridiculous) but I'm sure you won't have trouble finding it on a site that can afford a license. Nice little earner that for the bigwigs at Soho Square.

Only games I'm interested in at the moment are the opening eight for the simple fact that I challenge Harry Redknapp to avoid a repeat of the Ramos collapse of last season. Two Points Eight Games© must never be repeated. Never, ever. And here's the super-eight that will have many sweating through the summer nights in anticipation for the big kick-off:

Home - Scousers (Elite Four)
Away - Tigers (Almost got relegated)
Away - Spammers
Home - Brummies (Newly Promoted)
Home - Champions (Elite Four)
Away - Russians (Elite Four)
Home - Suicide Squad (Newly Promoted)
Away - Megson's lot

So, we've got ourselves three of the top four sides in our opening eight games. Does David Dein still have security access to the FA Headquarters? The voice in my head is telling me something about us doing pretty well against the 'big' teams last term out. So maybe the games we should be more concerned about are the ones against Hull, West Ham, Birmingham, Burnley and Bolton - one side almost went down and two have just come up. If we have any true intention to push forward with intent then we need to be ruthless. Absolutely no bloody fuck ups.

Prediction time:

Lane - Scousers - D - 1 point
Away - Tigers - W - 3 points
Away - Spammers - W - 3 points
Lane - Brummies - W - 3 points
Lane - Champions - L - 0 point
Away - Russians - D - 1 point
Lane - Suicide Squad - W - 3 points
Away - Megson's lot - D - 1 points

15 Points, Eight Games. Lap that up Mr Ramos (I've had rum for breakfast). My prediction is based on the assumption that we start confidently, something we rarely do because of some in-built mental mechanism that automatically switches off the whole Spurs collective rendering them as soft as a lemon mousse (which ironically is what our new home kit will look like).

Worst (acceptable) case scenario is Chelsea dick us away from home and Bolton beat us (which they always manage to do). That would give us: 13 points. But it's all just impossible to really know at this point. Like last year I will not be getting carried away if we thrash Barcelona at Wembley (like we did to Roma at WHL).

Harry Redknapp has to buck the trend. It's that simple. No more believing the hype. It's time to create hype off the back of hard work, determination and spirit. We would like something back in the way of hope. It's been a while since the giddy heights of 2006.

As for the back end of the season? We've got Arsenal and Chelsea at the Lane and then Man Utd away followed by Bolton back home and finally Burnley away.

Brutal finish to go with the tricky start.

COYS.

Spurs at home first game of the season?

Arsenal? Playing away from home? On the opening day of the season? Are you mad? The FA would never allow that.

Apparently they would according to a Sky Sports News slip-up as seen in the above screencapture. Considering the fixture list isn't meant to be out yet it makes me think it's a fake. Unless Sky are privy to this sort of thing before the official release. Ooh.

If this is/was geninue, I trust the FA will fix it up. Probably give us the above fixture list.

Two points six games anyone?

Update: Bank Holiday dates are wrong based on the proposed programme of games the Prem League has lined-up, so this is not real. But don't fret. The ITK fraternity claim the scum are away to Everton and we do play at home....against West Ham United. Some of that please.

Spurs and Survival: It's time to get medieval

A regular feature on this blog has been a reoccurring series following a set of fixtures that are meant to provide the much needed impetus (and points) to finally steer us clear of the scary little mire that is the bottom three seats of the Premiership. A place best avoided much like a seedy back room in a pawn shop resembling a dungeon.

When Harry Redknapp joined, I gave him 12 games to get us out of trouble. Results were not too shabby. The 12 games in question made up the fabled Challenge Spurs™ (The Dirty Dozen) series. But when that ended, we failed to capitalise on the points tally acquired and managed to follow it up with a pretty awful run of results, followed by another mixed bag (as chronicled in the V for Victory™ series).

This meant we failed to pull ourselves away from the mix down at the bottom. So these run of fixtures never made a difference win, lose or draw with regards to climbing the table (obviously the points picked up have been all important, otherwise we'd be doomed by now). And the teams around us have also remained fairly constant with poor and inconsistent form. Not a lot has changed in the past few months.

We now find ourselves with the run-in and every game a must-win (not every game is winnable, but that's the attitude required. Deja vu, right?). Which ironically means, that if there was a time to scrutinise our fixture list and welcome back Challenge Spurs™, it’s now. Fail, and there's nothing but Championship fixtures to look forward to.

We have 13 games left - 6 at home and 7 away.

We've already driven the little Honda into Marcellus Wallace. Donuts and coffee hitting the pavement. And arguably, we’ve already stumbled our way into the Mason-Dixie pawn shop. So squeaky-bum time is potentially moments away. Zed will see to that. Get yourself caught up in the moment and you might find it more than just a bit tricky to get out. All tied up and gagged, praying for a miracle. Zed has us in his sights. Relegation. Relegation has us in its sights. The spider has caught itself a fly.

"Bring out The Gimp"
"I think The Gimp is sleepin'"

In this case, the Gimp is not Jermaine Jenas. And neither is it sleeping. The Gimp is the monkey on our back. Nope, not Gareth Bale (he's mostly on the bench nowadays). The Gimp is the persistent match-losing lack of concentration that has seen us defeat ourselves in the last four league away games - all in the final minutes.

It’s a mental block. Lack of concentration, belief. A fundamental lack of self-respect. Confidence, pride...lack of. Tag whatever you wish to it. Its a Spurs trait we always blame when you know what hits the fan.

Last time the Gimp persevered, it cost us Champions League (forget the last game and think back to the amount of points lost in the final minutes both home and away during the course of that season). For it to occur four times on the trot, all away from the Lane this season, is a sure sign that winning is sometimes a task too hard for some of our players. They welcome the Gimp and it's all too familiar hooded face of sadomasochistic defeatism. We need to punch the Gimp in the head several times.

"So, we're cool?"

We are at the point of no second chances now. If you sit down with your calculator or Prem Table predictor website tool, the possibility of us being unsafe and at risk on the final game is possible if you base our final set of games and likely outcomes on prior form. Especially on away form.

We are likely to pick up points at home. Although it’s ominous that we haven't done that amazingly well so far. But the home games are now imperative. No possible excuse could appease us if we don't prove successful at WHL. As for the away games, they can be grouped into two sections:

The 'No Chance in Hell' List

Man Utd
Aston Villa
Everton
Liverpool

The 'Doubtful we'll win' List

Hull City
Blackburn Rovers
Sunderland

Lose to Hull away, and the game against Boro at home turns into a Cup final, to follow on from that other Cup final we play out a few days earlier. Sunderland away has yet to be slotted into the schedule having been postponed. So where is the away win(s) going to happen? We have a good record at Everton, don't we?

I prefer to think that Spurs will do what they usually do in such desperate times. Instinctively react and do so positively. Almost nonchalantly. Bit like the goals that came at the end of the semi-final against Burnley. We waited until we were 3-0 down and (practically) out of the Cup before showing a bit of quality and pulling through. It's textbook Spurs. It's eternally frustrating. Back to the home games left to play:

The 'Must Not Drop Points' List

Boro
Chelsea
West Ham
Newcastle
WBA
Man City

Apart from Chelsea (who might be rejuvenated a little by the time we play them) the other games in this list have to be victories in our favour. Without any disrespect, they are winnable. On paper. That's a fans perspective. The players have to be ruthless and fearless against the lot of them.Whether it's Chelsea or WBA.

The other clubs around us down at the bottom will no doubt struggle till the closing day of the season, but the desperation of needing them to lose to help us out is something I will not embrace.

It’s in our hands. Again. We can't be hoping other results go in our favour. We have to control our own destiny (cringe away).

We are in need for an inspired Butch with a Samurai sword moment to signal our intent for survival.

And we are equipped for it. Palacios, big and strong and inspiring. Keane will rediscover form and the back of the net. Dawson will continue to led in the absence of King. Lennon, who's energy this season has never faltered, will buzz around and torment. Modric possesses the quality that will help unlock a defence or two and allow Pav and Bent to get in amongst the goals. And Harry will make sure it all tick tocks clockwise.

How the Carling Cup final or the UEFA Cup games will affect squad moral is not something I wish to dwell on. It's not quite like last season where the players went to sleep after the 2-1 Wembley win and forgot how to win in the Prem. There's a clear distinction between one off games like the Final and the bread and butter of the Prem this term. And the latter is clearly of more importance in the long run.

Butch, driving into Marcellus, allowed destiny to take them to the pawn shop and perilously close to a humiliating death. The death part was avoided. The humiliation unavoidable. The will to survive saw them through it, bloody in victory and revenge.

Much like the two of them, its down to us that we are in this predicament. We've led ourselves here. Destiny playing its part with comparative ease. We've suffered the humiliation. We now need to stay clear of death. So here's to a quick sharp exit, riding off on a Chopper, with a happy ending.

‘Who’s Relegation?’
‘Relegations dead, baby, Relegations dead’

Challenge Spurs™ - The Challenge and the Forecast

The Challenge

30 points minimum by January 1st.

12 games.
6 at home.
6 away.
36 possible points.

The Forecast

Here's the Dirty Dozen:

(H) Bolton
(A) Arsenal
(H) Liverpool
(A) Man City
(A) Fulham
(H) Blackburn
(H) Everton
(A) West Ham
(H) Man Utd
(A) Newcastle
(H) Fulham
(A) WBA

30 points is such a massive task for one simple reason. We've picked up 2 from 8 games, so form wise - taken into account the last few performances - we are unlikely to win any of them. But something has to give, right? Something has to give. So, we may as well humour the hypothetical. Its nigh impossible to predict results ahead of the next one for the simple reason that as shit as we are, if we do get something out of the Bolton game then our form might progress to the point where we start winning games and playing well. Confidence can do wonders.

So, let's pretend Spurs will take charge of their destiny and attempt to be realistic with the predictions:

Game 01 - (H) Bolton ---------------- W 3 points
Game 02 - (A) Arsenal --------------- L
Game 03 - (H) Liverpool ------------- D 1 point
Game 04 - (A) Man City ------------- D 1 point
Game 05 - (A) Fulham --------------- W 3 points
Game 06 - (H) Blackburn ------------ W 3 points
Game 07 - (H) Everton -------------- W 3 points
Game 08 - (A) West Ham ------------ D 1 point
Game 09 - (H) Man Utd ------------- L
Game 10 - (A) Newcastle ------------ D 1 point
Game 11 - (H) Fulham -------------- W 3 point
Game 12 - (A) WBA ----------------- W 3 point

That gives us a measly 22 points. Which means at Christmas we'll have a grand total of 22 points. That's 8 short of 30, which means Spurs will simply not be able to afford any slip ups into January through to May, and that might still not be enough. Maybe we need to be tapping up Santa Claus.

In the above predicted results I've given us the following proud stats:

• 4 home wins from 6
• 2 away wins from 6
• 4 draws
• 2 defeats

Realistic enough? Obviously again, all dependent on the Bolton game/result the game directly after that one (Arsenal - gulp). Two straight defeats, then we'll be lucky to pick up 5 points before Boxing Day.

Turning the draws into victories will be the difference. Any of those turning into defeats and we'll be down before we visit the JJB.

After Xmas, comes 2009. Which brings us onto the following games:

(A) Wigan
(H) Portsmouth
(H) Stoke
(A) Bolton
(H) Arsenal

All of which will be of no consequence, depending on what happens now till Xmas.

Ideal (fantasy) Scenario?

6 home wins (18 points)
3 away wins (9 points)
2 away draw (2 points)
1 defeat (not ideal, but I'm already deep in imagination land with the rest of this scenario)

= 29 points + 2 we have already = 31 points

Mission Accomplished. Either way, 22 or 31, the points ratio has to pick up from game to game.

So, the aim of Challenge Spurs™ is simply for the team to achieve the points tally as outlined under 'The Forecast' or better it.

Excited? I'm shitting bagels.

UEFA Cup Draw

GROUP D: TOTTENHAM, Spartak Moscow, Udinese, Dinamo Zagreb, NEC Nijmegen.

Top three go through. Much prefer our group than the ones Villa, Pompey and City got. Pompey have to deal with Milan and Villa will see themselves up against Martin Jol's Hamburg (odds on us playing Hamburg in a latter round?). I actually fancy them (the Germans), Milan or Liege to win it this season. Although Sevilla can't be discounted (odds on us playing them in a latter round?).

Anyways, not saying ours is an easy group, but it won't be too difficult if we wake up and start playing well. An on-form Spurs side (remember those days?) won't have trouble qualifying. The current 'form' Spurs side won't pick up more than 2 points (there's that number again).

Like the way the draw sees us up against Pav and Modric's former clubs. Not that Pav can play. All down to Campbell and Bent to lead us to glory.

Cough.

Also, if anyone can explain how the draw works, let me know.

Ramos will bale us out

Spurs pretend-flirt with the bottom three places all the time. We lift up our short skirt and bend over, teasing ever so playfully - but never does the big cock of relegation penetrate our anus. The chastity of mid-table always retains the little dignity we possess.

Things are not exactly pretty statistically at the moment. Ramos has been Spurs boss for almost 12 months. In that time we’ve played 31 league games winning 10, drawing 10 and losing 11. We’ve notched 1 league win in our last 11 games and haven’t scored more than a single league goal since March when we won 2-0 v Pompey. Bale has played 12 league games and in those games Spurs have never registered a win.

If you take all the league games played in the calendar year of 2008 we sit second from bottom with 5 wins in 22 games (8 draws, 9 defeats). With a total of 23 points compared to Chelsea who are top with 54 points. Those 5 glorious victories came against:

Sunderland (h)
Derby (a)
West Ham (h)
Portsmouth (h)
Reading (a)

It’s all compounded further with the sorry fact that this is our worst start in 34 years. And if you want to get uber-depressive about all this (if you’re not moving to Bridgend already), this season we haven’t deserved to win any of the games we have lost. All winnable, very much, you would think and hope. But 0 points against Boro, Sunderland and Villa is exactly what our performance was deserving of. Sure, we retain the ball and pass it about, but every counter attack from the opposition seems to end with them scoring. The two goals we buried into the back of the net were both fortunate rather than something created from a spark of magic.

But in the midst of all this chaos and dejection, it’s not surprising if a first win sets us on our way. We seem to start poorly, more so these days. The higher the expectation, the more embarrassed we are. So, up and coming:

Spurs v Wilsa Karkow (UEFA Cup)
Spurs V Wigan (Prem)
Newcastle v Spurs (Carling Cup)
Pompey v Spurs (Prem)
Wilsa Karkow v Spurs (UEFA Cup)
Spurs v Hull (Prem)

6 games. Six defining matches. Thursday is an evening of football where Spurs cannot fail to impress and convince.

Ramos – play your sodding strongest side. Play to the players strengths.
As for the players – show some fucking heart, spirit and pride.

Boss the pitch. Movement with urgency and trickery. Dominate and win handsomely.

And the fans? Calm the fuck down you bunch of absolute melters. Stop obsessing with stats and harping on about Martin Jol because I’m sure the ones questioning his ‘sacking’ and wanting him back are the same tools that wanted him sacked. Jol, undermined and spent had to leave our club. 3 fucking defeats and you want Ramos out and Jol back? Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse. Being bottom of the table or listening to the fickleness that our supporters are preaching.

COYS and lock Bale in cupboard till Monday.

~Spooky