Application for the Tottenham coaching job

Dear Mr Levy,

I would like to apply for the job as first team coach at Tottenham Hotspur.

My understanding is that the position is not officially or publicly on offer, however, I can read between the lines and its obvious to me that you require a fresh approach at the club, and as someone who understands football as good as any journalist or ex-pro I can offer something unique.

Unlike other potential appointments, I can clearly state that I am Tottenham Hotspur through and through. And as a fan, the expectancy of wanting the players to give 110% in all games will be made clear in the dressing room. I’m capable of shouting and throwing stuff around and let’s be honest, it can’t be that fucking hard to get eleven players to follow simple instructions.

Win the ball, keep the ball, push the ball, pass the ball, kick the ball, turn away and celebrate.

I’m happy to work with Martin Jol if you want to demote him to being my assistant. Won’t work with Chris Houghton though. Nothing personal. Just not sure what it is he does.

I’m available for a sit-down with Kemsley or whomever you want to send out to discuss terms. I won’t be packing any Nurofen, and don’t expect to get dizzy, but will keep an Aspirin on me in case the offer gives me a momentary head-throb. No need for web-cams, net-meetings or telephone calls. We can do this in a plush hotel or restaurant, or if you prefer I know a great pub in Wapping.

No, I do not have any coaching badges. Or any prior experience as a manager or coach in the professional game, in England or abroad. But I’m a snappy dresser and will look sharp in the technical box shouting instructions out to the players. I also have an air of arrogance that appears to be quite popular with today’s big name managers. Call it a verbal swagger. In post-match interviews I will use the media to mine (our) advantage, rather than being apologetic or sympathetic or saying funny stuff like ‘shitting it’ or ‘English cup of tea’. It’s obvious that the bigger the cunt you are the better the manager. I also have bad eyesight, which is obviously a bonus.

As a fan, I will select the players I believe are deserving of representing the club and will instill a never-say-die attitude. And with a true fan at the helm, supporters won’t be able to complain that I don’t know what I’m doing, because if anyone knows the best for their club it’s the person who watches them week in and week out - the season ticket holder. I am the voice of many. The voice of a collective. Think Locutus of Borg. More hair, not as pale.

I am happy to work as part of the continental director of football coaching structure with Damien Comolli. Though if you think for a second I will accept any old rubbish just because he scouted them, then we may have difficulties. I’m being upfront about this rather than allow problems to manifest at a later date. I’ll ask for the type of players I would like, he can bring me a list and I’ll select the one I want. And if I don’t like any of them, then I’ll use the Football Manager database as an alternative. If I ask for a defender(s) I don’t want you to buy me a £17M striker. In fact, fuck it, let’s just use FM. Save you a packet in wages and expenses. If you look closely at the stats it clearly shows Zokora’s first touch is pony. FM 1 Comolli 0.

Now, you’re probably wondering ‘what the hell’. I don’t blame you. I probably scare you a little. When I stand outside your bedroom window at night with my voodoo doll you probably think to yourself, what a strange young man. But it’s people like me that make football what it is. Unpredictable. I’m a maverick. A glitch in the system. An unexpected fart on the train. I’ll bring tactical awareness much like Jose (who never played the professional football) has done in his career that will lead to silverware.

I will drop players, no matter who they are. Yes, I will drop Jenas. I will demand they all play to win every ball like their lives depend on it. I’ll start with the basics like fitness levels, set pieces and closing down. You can hire qualified PE teachers for all the exercise stuff. In addition, a few rounds of British Bulldog and ‘Knockout’ will help with intensity.

Just make sure I have a blackboard and a piece of sturdy chalk, or if its in budget one of those Andy Gray toys, without the shaved talking guerrilla.

Robbo will be the first one to sit on the bench. Then he'll sit on the floor when it breaks into two. At the moment all opposition teams need to do is either have a crack from 30 yards out or dink the ball into the box (he’ll miss one out of ten). Easy pickings. Also easy not to pick him.

Tactically, I’ll do what any successful club does. An organised defence with a loud commanding central defender bossing the team. Midfield anchorman/defensive lion heart along with an attacking maestro (Diego at FC Porto will do if you want to start tapping up a player). Upfront, I will play two forwards who are in form and will rotate only when the second two forwards can still guarantee goals against weaker opposition.

Against Arsenal in the NLD we were spread more easily than margarine (copyrighted David Pleat). Fact is the players we possess in midfield cannot play to a system that isn’t clearly defined. The amount of room given to Arsenal was insurmountable. There is no intelligence with our play. It’s like asking a bunch of seven year olds to play Total Football. Play to your strengths with the players you have.

As for style of play, yes, I’m a purist. Entertaining football does bring success. And rather than go for the Chelsea school of thought, I will look to build a side that has all the qualities that Spurs fans demand with one major improvement. Backbone. Backbone in every sense of the word.

We attack relentlessly. If we go one up, from the kick-off we look to take possession and dominate midfield, then strike again. None of this sitting back lark. If we go 2-0 up, we play tenaciously, biting at the opposition and retain the ball and once more look to put the game behind them.

I’ll have them playing like Arsenal in no time.

You earn £40,000 per week? I want to see you sweat blood. I want eleven Terry Butchers. Just less ugly. And more skillful. A lot more skillful. In fact, scrap Butcher. I want eleven Dave Mackays, still running around even with broken legs. Shirt worn with pride and honour.

You let the fans down with a lacklustre performance in a North London Derby? Your wages are docked and they go into a lottery to be won by the fans (excluding the West Stand). At least that way they get something back.

Football management is about man management. I don’t need to have played the game for 20 years. It’s not a necessity. It helps, but let’s face it, anyone could do it. It’s just that there’s a secret club mentality with giving jobs to ex-pro’s, keeping them happy, prolonging their retirement plans. It’s like the police and the London Black cabs.

Also, let’s take the Big Sam Factor into consideration. Bolton Wanderers. Hard to beat, well organised, difficult to play against, good at counter-attacking. A bastard of a team to beat. Everyone’s favourite most hated side. Then, with the same squad of players, Little Sam manages to turn them into an easy to beat soft touch of a side that look like relegation fodder. Why? Because Little Sam doesn’t have the required skills to inspire the players. He commands little respect and no inspirational and motivational skills. Though when you attempt to emulate the former manager by wearing a long trench coat and earpiece, you’re just asking to be ridiculed. You stupid stupid little Peter Pan of a man. Stop with the self-humiliation and grow the fuck up.

Spurs players may feel the same about me. No respect because I haven’t played the game. Haven't won anything. Yet there’s a ton of managers out there who did play the game, pretty damn badly, and they’re in management.

Considering you appointed Santini, I don’t see that much difference. At least my eyes sit comfortably in my head and I speak the language. I’ll be far more media savvy too. Jol is media savvy though, bless him. With that menacing look turning to a sly cheeky grin. The big fat Dutch bear, I just want to hug him till he burps love bubbles.

I know that in most cases people would include their CV at this point. Much like that bloke who applied for the Boro vacancy, after McClaren left for England, with a list of his Football Manager achievements. I will not list my FM achievements, though winning the quadruple 3 years running and remaining undefeated at Fortress Lane for 5 seasons shouldn’t be something to ignore lightly (stature also built in my honour).

Instead, I simply ask you to give me three games. Just three games. Call it a trial. You don’t have to pay me. If I win all three games, then that will be proof (more so than a bunch of words on a CV) that I can do the job. If I have an unsuccessful stint, then we’ll share a bottle of vintage port, made an antidote or two and I’ll be on my way. I’m sure Gillingham will hire me and you'll be free to bring in Ramos for next season.

To dare is to do, Daniel.

Yours Hopefully,

Spooky

Know your place

Apparently Jol has had a furious row with Defoe, telling him he would 'rot in the reserves' if he failed to sign a new contract. Hard decision time for Jermain. Rotting in the reserves as opposed to rotting in the first team.

Coat already on.

NLD (posted on absinthe)

Martin Jol has to go.

This is not an endorsement of Levy’s management of the club. Because arguably, what’s happening behind the scenes has to some degree affected moral within the club. But placing to one side the politics of the situation, the fact of the matter is that perception means everything in the modern game.

Last season, when Jol gave his rapturous speech at the final home game of the season everyone was in love with him and everyone just knew, just knew it, that he wasn’t just the right man – he was THE man to take us to the next stage. But why? Yes, we limped into 5th spot again – but we were never in the running for 4th. Yes, we had some great cup runs. But how great were they? Hardly played giants of football in the UEFA Cup, and when we finally did – we choked. In the League Cup we lost out to a bunch of kids. In the FA Cup we squandered a 3-1 lead. Throughout the whole of the season we still failed to improve on all the schoolboy errors of previous seasons (defending and taking set pieces). Jol still struggled with tactical substitutions. There was still no evidence of true balance in midfield. And some players remained undroppable, no matter what their form.

Into the 2008 season, we find ourselves playing the likes of Kaizer Chiefs and the Pirates – just like we did the previous year, which also resulted in a poor start (much like this season). Other clubs were busy playing big European teams. Preparation is everything, and when have a lazy git like Ghaly suggesting Spurs don’t do much running in training, you have to question who exactly takes place in training sessions at The Lodge.

Enough of this ‘Fergie took 5 years to get things going at Utd’ nonsense. That was a different generation. The game is a monster now. And the fact is, our mentality of ‘lets be patient’ is costing us. Yes, we don’t deserve success we have to earn it. Well, at Spurs the money has been spent. We have the players. We just don’t have the manager. He has taken us to a level which we appreciate, but you have to be a certain type of cunt to proceed further (i.e. Fergie, Wenger, Jose). Even Rafa and his constant complaining and bitching constitute him as a cunt. Jol, the big cuddly bear with dagger eyes, appears to wear his tracksuit way too often. Not that wearing a suit will result with wins on the park. But one wonders what kind of respect he earns in the dressing room. But the fear of God into the players, for fucks sake. You’ve got the looks for it.

Results this season have seen us lose two goal leads. Concede last minute goals. We were plucky against Utd. Unlucky. But how many times are we gonna settle for ‘almost’ winning? Why should we settle for it in the first place? How long does it take to get things right, simple things right?

Jol still shoots himself in the foot with irreverent substitutions in the final 20 minutes of games. Players appear to back off and defend deep allowing the opposition to attack and take the initiative. And as all this is going on, our players begin to show signs of fatigue and loss of concentration. It’s happened way too often and way too consistently. And far too often in BIG games.

The NLD derby. How many times are we going to take the lead against them, on occasions matching and outplaying them (bar the 3-0 at AG last season)? Spurs have made a vast improvement in catching up with Arsenal (only because they have stagnated a little). But if you lack a team of players who have not experienced a NLD win (more the fault of previous generations of managers and average players) then it’s down to the manager to instil that belief.

Can’t beat Arsenal. Can’t beat Man Utd. Liverpool. And probably Chelsea. Defeating them last season was the kind of performance that Everton achieve over Liverpool now and again. But if we need to take that next step we have to do it more often. Other clubs – nowhere near the top 4 – have better records against the top 4 clubs than we do. Even with their lesser players, then find the spirit to overcome the odds. We flatter to deceive. It’s not acceptable.

We have to evolve. We have to make a sacrifice and remove the manager and bring in someone who is the genuine finished article. A world-class manager. One will drop Robinson and Jenas. One who will look at the team and introduce a system that works from the back to the front. Have players playing for each other and the team as a whole. Completely revamp training and preparation. Get each player understanding the very basics of the game, like closing down and bossing the midfield.

Spurs fans get slagged off for being ambitious. For wanting success. We get accused for dreaming. For aiming higher than we can jump. Well, if I didn’t do any of that I’d be a West Ham fan. We have a rich array of talent at the club. But still lack a true midfield general. Man Utd have the likes of Carrick and Hargreaves. Liverpool have Gerrard and Alonso and Mascherano. Chelsea have an abundance of grit and skill. Arsenal have Fabregas.

Spurs, with a full fit squad will still make the same mistakes because no evidence has been forthcoming that the mistakes will be ironed out.

Fully fit, we will do exactly what we did last year. Finish 5th. Get to a Q-F or S-F in a couple of Cups. And then the same will follow the next year with more players joining the club and giving Jol a selection headache.

New, fresh approach is needed. We are – on paper – the 5th best side in the country. With Levy’s pathetic display of boardroom antics he has possibly cost us that 5th place. Jol is not at fault. He’s just not good enough.

Bringing in a new manager wont be a case of ‘another transitional season’. It will be the case of damage limitation and immediate progression and improvement. An injection of adrenaline that will settle to consistent and a true 4th place challenge.

There is simply no room for mistakes with the next appointment.

NLD (posted on prozac)

Things aren’t quite right. Yeah, sure, we have the same amount of points we had this time last year and this time last year when the UEFA Cup kicked off, we managed to finally kick start our season. And ended up 5th and did pretty well in Europe. See what fans expected was a continuation and improvement from the end of last season into the 2008 season. Except what we got was a dejected 1-0 loss at Sunderland then (would on the face of it) appeared to be a knee-jerk from Levy and co in searching out Ramos as a potential replacement. Though the rumours would suggest that problems with Jol (and politics at the club) have been ongoing for a while. Even Mido hinted at it.

Yesterdays NLD was a little subdued. Not the game itself, which had a good tempo to it. But just that it struck me as a game that wasn’t on the same level of expectation that last years tussles were.

The game itself was a peculiar one. Arsenal wasteful in front of goal. Berbatov and Bent clumsy, missing incredible chances to score (why did Berbs attempt to trick the defender having beaten the keeper?) and Bent just scuffed it embarrassingly wide. No idea if the ball crossed the line in an earlier attack (or was handled), my eyes are not that good even with the aid of glasses and watching MotD highlights isn't going to be on the list of priorities for today.

Berbatov’s body language is one of major concern. This time last year, he had still not taken the Prem by storm, but this season he appears to be dis-interested/depressed/lacking confidence. Keane doesn’t appear to be doing that much this year, for all his running around. And Defoe may as well be sold as wont get his chance. Jol obviously can’t handle keeping 4 main men happy. Though I stand by my statement that Bent was bought as a direct replacement for Berbatov.

Thought for every chance we missed, Arsenal had two they should have scored and in the end the better team won. Yes. The better team. Their death has been greatly exaggerated. They are still not half the team they were a few season back, but their future is a good one. The misconception that we are reaching their level is what gives people the delusion that ‘we might just beat them this time’. Fact is, they’ve got 10 years Champions League experience and play to a system that is the end product of Wenger’s development. We can’t say we have a similar system and tactics. It’s laughable to suggest we do, so logical – how can we beat them?

City and Everton now and again do just that (in defeating Utd and Liverpool). They are never – on paper or in recent years – on par with their rivals. But belief and determination wins through now and again, and although it’s nothing more than a consequence of those 90 minutes (rather than a sign the teams have reached their rivals ‘level’) its still a fucking win.

Spurs haven’t beaten Arsenal for 9 years. We haven’t beaten any top 4 club for as long (except for dicking Chelsea last year). Again, for the millionth time, mental strength and belief lacks in desperation. And of course it does when we don’t have any players who have tasted victory in these circumstances.

Manager Jol doesn’t have the skills?

What’s even more laughable is the chants of ‘England, England’ as Arsenal play without a single Englishman in their side. Yet their players know what it means to win a NLD with pride, passion and never-say-die attitudes. Yes, their a bunch of cheating cunts. But they walk away with the three points. We end up with nothing. Its frustrating to see us, with our English boys not giving the same level of commitment.

In the past decade, we’ve tended to lost against them for the simple fact we were shit/just not good enough. In the past couple of seasons – with the players and potential we have – we have been in a position to suggest we could. You know you’re doing something right if Arsenal fans are talking about you again.

So, has this season thus far – and yesterday – been nothing more than a glitch? Or are we seeing the same old tired problems rise their ugly heads.

Sunderland (A) L 1-0 – Poor display, last minute goal
Everton (H) L 3-1 – All went a bit pear-shaped, one of those games
Derby (H) W 4-0 – That’s more like it
Man Utd (A) L 1-0 – Never deserved to lose this. Could have won it
Fulham (A) D 3-3 – Should have won this easily, slack defending
Arsenal (H) L 3-1 – More slack defending

In the afternoon’s entertainment, Robbo was at fault again (time for him to be dropped/rested) for the first Arsenal goal though you could argue the same for Dawson, so best to just say 'the defence' and its lack of communication was the reason why the ball nestled in the back of the net. I didn't actually see the incident as I looked away as the free-kick was taken, knowingly knowing that they would score from it, which they did. Some things are easy to predict. Second goal was just majestic, brilliant stuff from the arrogant prick (world-class prick) that set them on their way to all three points. Though if Robbo weighed a little less, he might have got his fingertips to it. Third goal, I was half way up Tottenham High Rd.

In the past few seasons, we've had 45 minutes of football were Spurs have been immense and pushed back Arsenal. We’ve looked 100% in all positions all over the pitch. So, we know we are capable of it.

But then we choke in the second half. Today looked and felt a lot different. Arsenal by far played better, more fluid and crisp football. Lets not dispute it for a second, the way they create space for each other, run with the ball super-glued to their feet and find passes with telepathic precision has to be applauded. But that’s been them for 10 years.

Fabregas (why he wasn't man marked from the start, I don't know) run the show, and I even before we went 1-0 up, I said that Arsenal will most definitely score goals today. You could see us being carved up eventually. And carved up we were.

Yes we shaded possession (I think, well according to the Beeb we did) and had 16 goals on goal (same as them) but football wise, they were more of a team, never looking under major threat or slack in defence, midfield or attack. If both teams play at their 'best' (not that either did today) then Arsenal would win.

Something about the rather subdued atmosphere pre-kick off suggested that many Spurs fans felt the same way.

I really don't want to spend time asking 'Why didn't Berbs/Bent score?' Because Arsenal were guilty of some sitters too. Do feel for Jol a little. Cant blame him for slack guilt-ridden one-on-ones - but I could argue that once more the teams mental strength (there it is again) lacked any true edge that is required to achieve some kind of win over this lot and any other top 4 club.

Decent game though, good tempo. But not anywhere near what was needed from us - for example - the performance against Chelsea last season, which was drenched with intensity and desire and belief.

Spurs defeated themselves once more. Arsenal can be beaten. But not with whatever preperation we appear to be settling for at the moment.

What Levy has done to the club and with what’s happened behind the scenes, Spurs are pretty much doomed at the moment. No matter what players say in interviews and no matter how many times Jol echoes his battle cry, he is still a dead man walking.

The crux of the problem is Levy should have waited until the end of the season to review and possibly sack him rather than create an impossible situation for him to dig his way out of (Jol that is).

But then we all know ‘doomed’ is just an over-reaction. West Ham Utd were doomed. One game. One game will change it all. With Lennon back, King not too far off (hopefully) – Jol will need to prove he can handle it all. Certain players seem to be passengers at the moment. Certain players need to pull up their fucking socks, leave the hair gel alone and wear the shirt with some pride.

The manager is the one with the responsibility and the same old problems are still there. Still can't take our chances or defend set pieces. Long shots remain the bane of Robinson. Defeating top 4 clubs is almost a mission impossible (City and Everton are able to achieve this over their deadly rivals every now and again). And the other long-standing issues are still present. Corner kicks are woeful. Midfield still unbalanced. Having Berbatov, Bent, Keane and Defoe is obviously too much of a burden for Jol to handle. Key positions still remain 'weak'. Lee (bless him) is the best we have in that position, but he has limited abilities going forward. Jenas remains the enigma. Or shit, depending on your perspective.

I didn’t preview this game. I probably should have bothered with this review, because it’s akin to a broken record.

Same old Tottenham.

So what now? Where is the moral boosting win going to come from? And will it ignite our season?

Famagusta at home, Bolton away, Boro at home then Villa at home. Those four games for starters would be nice.

Football is no longer the game it was 20 years ago. Managers, with the transfer money involved, no longer have 4/5 seasons to ‘get things right’. Apparently Jol has been quoted as saying, ‘the season starts now’. Well no. It started back on the 11th August.

Hello

I'm back. Rejuvenated and refreshed, with one or two newly refined opinions on the state of the club and my crusade. Spooky, new and improved. But I wont bore you with the politics or conjecture until Sunday. Allow the small matter of an untelevised North London Derby play out for the fortunate who have tickets to be there before I start getting my hands dirty with ranting blog entries and letters.

There will be no preview for the North London Derby. You may as well re-read last seasons write-ups for the yearly What Spurs need to do to defeat Arsenal™ paradox. Never changes from one season to the next. Groundhog Day is every Tottenham fan's least favourite day(s) of the year.

Tomorrow, I will awake early. Have some breakfast and depart for the Bricklayers Arms on the high road. Then stagger over to the Park Lane just in time for the kick off. I'll sing, swear and gesture through 90 minutes of blood and thunder football and then go back to the pub.

Anything that happens on the pitch is out of my control. One thing is for certain, these games are rarely enjoyable for the heart. If mine doesn't give way, I'll be back online just after you have your roast dinner on Sabbath.

Offline for a while

Wont be online till around the second week of September. Going 'dark'. Blackops.

Will leave you with the news that Lennon, Dawson and Kaboul are in contention for Saturdays game - which is good news considering the NLD is not that far off.

Jenas signs 5 year improved contract

The nightmare wont end.

From the official site:

NEW DEAL FOR JJ

We are delighted to announce that Jermaine Jenas has signed an improved five-year deal with the Club that will see him at the Lane until 2012.

Signed from Newcastle United in August 2005 and already capped 17 times by England, ‘JJ’ enjoyed a fine campaign last season when he contributed eight goals from midfield despite injury ruling him out for two months.

He’s already up and running in 2007-08 with a goal against Derby County.

Still only 24, Jermaine said: “This Club has the calibre of squad that any player would want to be part of.

“The spirit in the squad is terrific, the Club is ambitious and undoubtedly moving forward.

“I feel I still have a lot of potential to develop further and playing alongside team-mates of this quality will help me do that.

“I am very happy here and would love to stay at Tottenham for the rest of my career.”

Manager Martin Jol added: "JJ has made a big contribution over the last two seasons and he is improving as a player all the time. His goals from midfield are a vital ingredient for us and he is already off the mark this season.

"I am delighted he has committed his future to the Club because JJ has so much talent and is such a positive player. He always wants to learn and that is the right mentality to have, he wants to prove that he is a top player and the sky is the limit for him."

How long is JJ going to remain in a state of flux between lacking in self-confidence and being a player with the type of impact Gerrard has? Potential this, potential that. It's not enough to suggest he will be a world beater. He has to prove he IS a world beater with consistent displays and not the odd last minute winner here and there. Too often he is lightweight and inept. Yes - he can sometimes play a blinder - but you would laugh at yourself when attempting to compare him to Lampard (granted Frank doesn't do much either, other than score 20 goals a season) and Gerrard.

Also - anyone else think that Jenas is reading from a cue card written by Donna Cullen?

Terrific. Ambitious. Potential. Quality.

Nice upbeat words there Donna.

Standard and Glory Glory

Back (inside) pages of todays Standards cover the Levy banning order on the London paper and have several quotes taken from the pages of the Glory Glory forum. I'll take it as a compliment that they have not quoted me. Not once. Not a single quote. Not one word. Anyways, goes to show they spend a lot of time browsing and lurking in Spurs forums - which explains why so many shit transfer stories end up in the newspapers.

Here's a collection of quotes (from the GG.co.uk thread the Standard quoted from) that they chose NOT to print:

Think both Mellor and Norman are crap journalists who use their columns for personal agendas rather than "reporting", so see no problem with this. And there are enough media outlets operating that this is hardly a restriction of the freedom of the press to cover spurs - The Last Mango in Paradise

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So many bad things happen to so many nice people. Why do people like Mellor never get a dose? The man is vile on so many levels. Self-important ponce. - the dza

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Fuck off, you twit.

Free speech in a "free society" doesn't include that private persons and companys open up their doors for you to obtain material with which to libel them in public.

If you are worried about not being able to compete with other media, then perhaps you should review your reporting style. Idiot. - DanishLineker

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I'm just surprised its only the Standard that he is banned!

I've always liked the Standard and it has given us a lot of balanced coverage over the years - however, I usually chose not to buy it on the day (Tuesdays) when Norman wrote in it. He believe he has absolutely no inside information and desite being a fan seems to have a vendetta against the club dating back to Sugar.

Or perhaps he is just indicative of the current media who are negative and cynical for the sakes of it. Believe me if Spurs won the Champions League, Norman would find something trivial to moan about instead.

Hopefully Neil Ashton, the vindictive little bastard, from the Daily mail will be the next one banned for all the crap that he has spouted in his columns and on talkSPORT in the last 2 weeks. - Mr Gafferson

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matthew norman is a cunt, always seems to me the guy has always had personal vendetta against the club (which he supports) - Billyiddo

I didn't post anything quotable in that thread. Gutted. Just gutted.

Another point of view

• Since Levy took over at Spurs, the club has continually looked at the way successful European clubs are run.

• Jol has been linked to other jobs, including Holland.

• Many members of the media disagree with the DOF system and frankly do not understand it.

• Tottenham need to keep one step ahead and if that means tapping other managers - so be it.

• We had a bad start to the season. Two defeats.
  

• The media like there to be a 'club in crisis'.

• The board have told Jol to finish in the top four. And have given him £40m to assist him in his quest.

• Jol is our manager and if he does not hit the targets that the board has made then he will be replaced.
  

• In this he is not in a unique situation.

Rose-tinted glasses? Where can I get a pair?

Levy bans The Evening Standard

Matthew Norman is a Spurs fan. Not a very good one. See, unlike me, I want them to achieve success, whereas Norman prefers that Tottenham struggle for all eternity because he can then make biting remarks about the club/the players/the board and people would mistake him for an Arsenal fan thus providing him a sense of wellbeing that I’m sure allows him to sleep like a baby.

I haven’t read the Standard for a while. Would appear Daniel Levy has and from the sounds of it there’s been some name calling. Rather than ignore it, our guilt-ridden chairman has decided to strike with furious vengeance and ban the paper (and thus I'm guessing the reporters) from White Hart Lane. Apparently all because of the paper persistently printing ‘negative stories’ about the club.

Hmmm. You mean like the negative stories generated by your good self and that Kemsley character in the past week or so? Those type of stories?

I can appreciate that most, if not all, of the (footballing) media are blood-sucking dieased ridden leeches that base their ‘factual’ reporting and exclusives from information given to them by ‘club insiders’ (wink, wink). They swagger with ill repute disguised as freedom of speech believing they can print anything and claim everyone has the right to read it and believe it (no matter the lack of facts).

Now I’m not suggesting that Spurs don’t deserve the 'farce' tag after last week. But its been proven countless times in the past 10 or so days that the press have mis-quoted and then mis-quoted the mis-quotes. No different to the denials coming out of WHL – but that’s not the point. The truth - to our understanding - is enough to be reported on. We dont need it smacked about and then set on fire so it makes for better reading. Ok, metaphor didn't quite work there did it. I should ask David Mellor for advice.

Levy has fallen into a trap. And has given himself yet more unwanted media coverage with his blame everyone but the people who should be blamed tactics.

If you pee yourself during PE and a class mate tells everyone at school (everyone who wasn’t present to see the rather public humiliation) about it, exaggerating the story and saying you also pooped yourself – this doesn’t mean uninviting him from your birthday party is going to change the fact that you wet your pants in front of everyone and that its believed you also did a number two.

Fact is, you did pee yourself in public. You can’t run away from that fact. If someone wants to exaggerate the story, there’s not much you can do about it either. People tend to believe the lies more than the truth. And even if you know you didnt soil your pants, if 100 kids think you did - then that becomes a truth because it has 100 believers saying it.

See that’s what you are Levy. You're that kid. You’re a bed-wetter whose gone public, pissing yourself silly in front of all your class mates because you left your PE kit at home and you’ve been forced to do gym in your Mickey Mouse Y-Fronts and when the PE teacher points at you and then at the monkey bars you colour your pants yellow. Next thing you know, they’re calling you Shitty Pissy and the girls think you smell of tramp.

Why on why give Matthew Norman the green light to go ape-shit on your sorry arse with his bland sleepy articles? I mean, fucking ‘ell, doesn’t Matthew Norman sit in the West Stand at White Hart Lane? Normally I would encourage this kind of anarchy, but the bloke is not someone I’d have standing next to me in the Park Lane end. He's the type to complain when we're winning 3-0 because a crisp packet blew onto the pitch just before Keane side-foots home.

"Looks like a packet of Monster Munch in the penalty area. Pickled onion. Completely takes away the majesty of the counter-attack. Not happy with this at all"

Can you envisage his next column? Or the back page of today’s Evening Standard?

And what’s he guilty of? A sustained set of (personal) attacks at the club and chairman? What next? Revoke his season ticket? I feel a little left out over here.

Kemsley, Donna Cullen (director of communications) and Levy - you should all get themselves a box of Pampers to share.

Observe This

Read this article:

observer.guardian.co.uk/sport/story/

Now I’m all for anti-Levy articles highlighting his weakness and fuck-ups, but Christ, let’s not disappear into la-la land with over the top exaggerated pish.

Carrick wanted to leave the club. He left because he used us as a stepping stone and nothing more. In his time at Spurs he was the model professional, but at no time did he declare his love for us or publicly commit to us – even though we were the team that took the plunge to sign him.

He knew we would be forced to sell him as he wouldn’t sign a new contract. It’s no big secret. To suddenly suggest insiders have revealed that the tapestry of fuckary extends back to a botched up contract meeting between Carrick/Agent and Spurs is bollocks. Its best left for the 606 forums. Not for the pages of the Observer/Guardian.

Kevin Mitchell. Sort it out fella. Using football agents as sources to back up your stories? Yes, good show. Because we all know they tell the truth and ‘understand the rules of engagement and football’.

Super-gluing half-baked assumptions and theories is not good journalism. Though that’s probably a paradox.

See ya later, Dimitar

"I chose to join Tottenham last season, now I'm staying at the club through my own free will. At least for now. There has been a lot of speculation but all I can say is the club's board have decided to raise my salary.

No one said that United didn't have interest in me and my price in general but it has to be clear that there will not be a move for now."

At least for now. There will not be a move for now. How very reassuring. Let’s not dwell on the reason why Mr Berbatov has suddenly outgrown the club. Or whether his statement is genuine – in that I mean, if he really believes he is staying ‘for now’ or is simply outlining to Man Utd what needs to be done for them to capture him pre-transfer deadline.

Its not like he’s stated, “I’m 100% committed to Spurs. I’m going nowhere”. Its more of a, “Well, they’ve offered me more cash but in all likelihood we wont finish 4th or win anything so maybe come back at Christmas or the summer”.

Better off selling him now and be done with it. Yes, he’s the only world-class player we have. Yes, he gives our play a dimension that no other player can, but if he doesn’t want to be there, why have him at the club?

Players are impatient creatures, worse than the most avid supporter. From a selfish point of view he would see himself better off at Man Utd. And why wouldn’t he? But where has the unselfish modest happy Berbatov disappeared too? What’s with all the Henryesque mood swings at displaced passes?

Reading too much into it, am I? Might well be doing so, but its best to look at the negatives and the worst possible scenario and worry about that, because if by some miracle the opposite happens, at least you’ll feel good about it.

Now some of you will scream ‘hypocrite’ and ask why I have not remained anchored to my original opinion on the player.

Yet again, I’m at ground zero. I was at ground zero at the start of the season (remember?) stating I would give the chairman the benefit of the doubt. And then Jolgate happened. I’m at ground zero again. Not with the chairman. He can go fuck himself.

The players have a responsibility to the fans. They have a responsibility to Martin Jol. And granted, a 1-0 defeat at Old Trafford is a seasoned expectancy for all, but spirit was displayed and regardless of whether it was a penalty or not, Spurs did their fans proud (as did the away support).

Still cant beat the ‘big’ teams though, can we? It’s fine being plucky and unlucky, but it’s not enough. Fulham away HAS to be three points for us. Then it’s Arsenal at the Lane. No pressure then.

With regards to the Utd away game– a good balanced team. Good debut from Bale. Berbatov could have and should have scored (along with Rocha). Even The Gardner played ‘well’. Deserving of sharing the points for sure. When you add back King, Dawson and Kaboul – then you can see that 5th spot is practically a certainty. Anything less and its implosion time.

I still think Ramos is in at the end of the season. Everything is for show. Jol will battle on. Shame we live in an era where 4th spot is deemed the be all and end all. What happened to winning the FA Cup? Getting into a final? Something to write into the history books. Something to remember.

Actually, I forgot. Only top 4 clubs win the Cups. See, special membership is needed for silverware. And at the moment, the ticket to riches is blowing in the wind the opposite direction from where Jol is looking for it.