Its a wonderful life

I wont dwell on the 1-1 draw out in Cyprus and the confusion over who the pub team was. And to quote Martin Jol:

“I still consider this game a clean sheet, if you see the goal there was a handball. They had two goalkeepers on the pitch.”

Yes, that’s correct. We actually won the game and Robinson didn’t concede. Turning everything into a joke is the best form of defence. The Spurs back four don’t have to fret too much about that. They’re all stand-up comedians in their own right.

And as for the forwards, whether its first on the team sheet, Robbie Keane or always on the bench Jermain Defoe – they all back the manager. Can’t remember which of the two stated the following gem:

“Everyone is behind the manager. Everyone,” he said. “People realise what the manager has done for this football club. It has been amazing. Since he came to the club he has done a great job, so why would anyone want to change this?"

Yes. Why would they? Levy? Any return trips to Spain? Unconfirmed reports suggesting Ramos has been sacked (though they remain unsubstantiated at this current time, even with Seville’s 5 games defeated on the spin). From the looks of it, Ramos is very much suited for taking the hot seat from Jol – who may well look towards Ajax for an escape route.

And in the mean time, Spurs sit 4th from bottom, though just 3 points from 11th place. And 8 points from 5th. It’s not exactly a mountain to climb on paper. But placing stats to one side, on form, it’s not something that equally looks possible. Though you can always shine the sun on it. 6 games unbeaten. A point at Anfield. But when the same old textbook fuck-ups occur (come on, I knew at the 70th minute mark that Liverpool would score in injury time – everyone did) you have to ask when will they learn? When will lady luck squat down over our face and give us a golden shower instead of the same old scat every given Saturday or Sunday?

"Get down from there! We need to save the cheerleader"

Nothing has really changed. Jol still looks like a man who knows he is on his way out. Spurs still lack any kind of true swagger or arrogance. Yes, spirit we have, but that’s not enough. You want to believe the players respect Martin – and they do appear to have some (if little) self-respect but it doesn’t appear to be enough on both counts. And some of our tactics have been just a tad desperate at times. Pinball football and, yes, Wimbledon tactics. Let the quote do the talking:

"It was mentioned to me that our goals on Sunday were out of the old Wimbledon manual and, I have to admit, it is something I literally called for at half-time. The important thing at the time was for us to win our battles and get behind the back four so I said ‘let’s use the Wimbledon style occasionally!

I like to have a build up, but on Sunday we were overplaying around our back four and in the middle of the park and we needed to get the ball to the strikers for them to use their quality. I think it is fair to say they did just that"

Tactical genius? Why not. When the players are incapable of playing neat and tidy and concise balls, then desperate times call for desperate measures. And lets not pretend we haven’t played the hoof ball for an age. It’s the only think Robinson is good at. But still, lets please look to play it on the deck. Its nauseating all this up in the air stuff.

And a little more concentration and some basic schoolboy level knowledge of defending would have had us holding out for all three points against Liverpool. And that simple basic achievement of victory would have taken us to 13th. Unlucky for some, but a sure-fire catapult to that wonderful world of self-belief.

We could go rock bottom when we play Newcastle. I’m sure that will jerk Levy into doing something rather obvious. No matter. 5th is out of reach unless Spurs turn back the clock to 2 years ago and begin to dominate games or have a little of that tenacious lucky streak that saw us turn games around countless of times.

Until then, we can wonder if Robinson will ever be dropped or if Berbatov will regain that lost Henryesque ego that allowed others to feed off him resulting in larfs and larks on the terraces, rather than the abject distaste of misery.

One Hundred and Twenty Five

This coming Monday will be fascinating. Spurs at home to Aston Villa, and after this weekends batch of games we could be second from bottom – so you would expect that winning and collecting three points will be the main focus for everyone at the club. Instead, we will be treated to a celebration of 125 Glorious years (with around 90 years of mediocrity mixed in), which includes the match day programme setting you back £10. Another case of 'Spurs fans are mugs so let's charge them the earth'. If you've got a few grand spare (4k) in your back pocket then don't bother with this, get your hands on the Opus book instead. Fuck it, just send the deed to your house to Daniel Levy and be fucking done with it.

However, I like the idea of White Hart Lane being illuminated with lights and projections with additional searchlights beaming into the sky to herald our anniversary. The muggers on Tottenham high road will see profits dip momentarily with the lack of shadows where they usually work their magic.

There's more. The high road alongside WHL will include images of our legends (if Freund isn't up there I will be bitterly disappointed). Again, nice to be reminded that 46 years ago we were the dog’s bollocks. You know the sixties. Nineteen sixty one to be precise. Nicholson. Blanchflower. Mackay. Black and white tv's. Everyone shagging Jimmy Greaves wife. Football boots that weighed a ton. League title and FA Cup winners. In the same season. First time this century. Last century. 1900's. The double, you know. History. It's what this club is about. Winning it. When it mattered. Because back then football was salt of the earth. Meant more than it does now. Irrelevant that every other club we considered rivals have left us behind while we hug onto a distant memory. 1961. Bobby Smith and all that. Play those old skool tapes on the Jumbotron again with that emotional Star Wars music to really show the world what we're about. In your face, present day. Stick it up your arse.

There's more. The special commemorative flag which apparently will ‘help create a carnival party atmosphere in the stands’ must surely be Levy’s pièce de résistance, because no amount of flag waving will stop our calamity defence conceding goals while Villa dick us and our 125th celebrations turn into a complete farce. So unless there's a Martin O'Neil voodoo doll attached, this type of thing is better left to clubs who do it better, like Arsenal and their hymn sheets and their singing sections. Oh look how pretty the Lane is with all those colours......and, oh, 2-0 Villa....but look, look, I see a Holsten shirt on the Shelf Side and that bloke over there is wearing three scarf's, what a nutter!

Games like this have textbook egg-on-face potential. I would expect (and hope) that the desired effect is one of majestic inspiration. What a perfect occasion one would think, to help elevate ourselves from the bottom three and finally put in a Premiership performance we can be proud of. With Newcastle and Liverpool to follow (both away) – this game is almost do or die (with 0 points to follow from those next 2 games based on previous history).

‘Oh Spooky, why oh why are you so negative?’

I’m not being negative. I keep expecting the team to click into place but we seem to shut down more often than a Windows operating system. The anti-virus software can’t seem to quarantine the Levy trojan and with the hard drive decimated with bad sectors a re-format is on the cards.

Time to change to Linux?

If we lose against Aston Villa at home I will support Arsenal for one week. Yes. Arsenal.

This is not an act of Judasness. This is much like what Mahatma Gandhi did back in the day. This is the highest form of protest, one that surpasses boycotting the Spurs shop or burning a season ticket. I am doing the unimaginable to prove just how much I love the club.

This coming Monday will be fascinating.

NLD (posted on absinthe)

Martin Jol has to go.

This is not an endorsement of Levy’s management of the club. Because arguably, what’s happening behind the scenes has to some degree affected moral within the club. But placing to one side the politics of the situation, the fact of the matter is that perception means everything in the modern game.

Last season, when Jol gave his rapturous speech at the final home game of the season everyone was in love with him and everyone just knew, just knew it, that he wasn’t just the right man – he was THE man to take us to the next stage. But why? Yes, we limped into 5th spot again – but we were never in the running for 4th. Yes, we had some great cup runs. But how great were they? Hardly played giants of football in the UEFA Cup, and when we finally did – we choked. In the League Cup we lost out to a bunch of kids. In the FA Cup we squandered a 3-1 lead. Throughout the whole of the season we still failed to improve on all the schoolboy errors of previous seasons (defending and taking set pieces). Jol still struggled with tactical substitutions. There was still no evidence of true balance in midfield. And some players remained undroppable, no matter what their form.

Into the 2008 season, we find ourselves playing the likes of Kaizer Chiefs and the Pirates – just like we did the previous year, which also resulted in a poor start (much like this season). Other clubs were busy playing big European teams. Preparation is everything, and when have a lazy git like Ghaly suggesting Spurs don’t do much running in training, you have to question who exactly takes place in training sessions at The Lodge.

Enough of this ‘Fergie took 5 years to get things going at Utd’ nonsense. That was a different generation. The game is a monster now. And the fact is, our mentality of ‘lets be patient’ is costing us. Yes, we don’t deserve success we have to earn it. Well, at Spurs the money has been spent. We have the players. We just don’t have the manager. He has taken us to a level which we appreciate, but you have to be a certain type of cunt to proceed further (i.e. Fergie, Wenger, Jose). Even Rafa and his constant complaining and bitching constitute him as a cunt. Jol, the big cuddly bear with dagger eyes, appears to wear his tracksuit way too often. Not that wearing a suit will result with wins on the park. But one wonders what kind of respect he earns in the dressing room. But the fear of God into the players, for fucks sake. You’ve got the looks for it.

Results this season have seen us lose two goal leads. Concede last minute goals. We were plucky against Utd. Unlucky. But how many times are we gonna settle for ‘almost’ winning? Why should we settle for it in the first place? How long does it take to get things right, simple things right?

Jol still shoots himself in the foot with irreverent substitutions in the final 20 minutes of games. Players appear to back off and defend deep allowing the opposition to attack and take the initiative. And as all this is going on, our players begin to show signs of fatigue and loss of concentration. It’s happened way too often and way too consistently. And far too often in BIG games.

The NLD derby. How many times are we going to take the lead against them, on occasions matching and outplaying them (bar the 3-0 at AG last season)? Spurs have made a vast improvement in catching up with Arsenal (only because they have stagnated a little). But if you lack a team of players who have not experienced a NLD win (more the fault of previous generations of managers and average players) then it’s down to the manager to instil that belief.

Can’t beat Arsenal. Can’t beat Man Utd. Liverpool. And probably Chelsea. Defeating them last season was the kind of performance that Everton achieve over Liverpool now and again. But if we need to take that next step we have to do it more often. Other clubs – nowhere near the top 4 – have better records against the top 4 clubs than we do. Even with their lesser players, then find the spirit to overcome the odds. We flatter to deceive. It’s not acceptable.

We have to evolve. We have to make a sacrifice and remove the manager and bring in someone who is the genuine finished article. A world-class manager. One will drop Robinson and Jenas. One who will look at the team and introduce a system that works from the back to the front. Have players playing for each other and the team as a whole. Completely revamp training and preparation. Get each player understanding the very basics of the game, like closing down and bossing the midfield.

Spurs fans get slagged off for being ambitious. For wanting success. We get accused for dreaming. For aiming higher than we can jump. Well, if I didn’t do any of that I’d be a West Ham fan. We have a rich array of talent at the club. But still lack a true midfield general. Man Utd have the likes of Carrick and Hargreaves. Liverpool have Gerrard and Alonso and Mascherano. Chelsea have an abundance of grit and skill. Arsenal have Fabregas.

Spurs, with a full fit squad will still make the same mistakes because no evidence has been forthcoming that the mistakes will be ironed out.

Fully fit, we will do exactly what we did last year. Finish 5th. Get to a Q-F or S-F in a couple of Cups. And then the same will follow the next year with more players joining the club and giving Jol a selection headache.

New, fresh approach is needed. We are – on paper – the 5th best side in the country. With Levy’s pathetic display of boardroom antics he has possibly cost us that 5th place. Jol is not at fault. He’s just not good enough.

Bringing in a new manager wont be a case of ‘another transitional season’. It will be the case of damage limitation and immediate progression and improvement. An injection of adrenaline that will settle to consistent and a true 4th place challenge.

There is simply no room for mistakes with the next appointment.

Observe This

Read this article:

observer.guardian.co.uk/sport/story/

Now I’m all for anti-Levy articles highlighting his weakness and fuck-ups, but Christ, let’s not disappear into la-la land with over the top exaggerated pish.

Carrick wanted to leave the club. He left because he used us as a stepping stone and nothing more. In his time at Spurs he was the model professional, but at no time did he declare his love for us or publicly commit to us – even though we were the team that took the plunge to sign him.

He knew we would be forced to sell him as he wouldn’t sign a new contract. It’s no big secret. To suddenly suggest insiders have revealed that the tapestry of fuckary extends back to a botched up contract meeting between Carrick/Agent and Spurs is bollocks. Its best left for the 606 forums. Not for the pages of the Observer/Guardian.

Kevin Mitchell. Sort it out fella. Using football agents as sources to back up your stories? Yes, good show. Because we all know they tell the truth and ‘understand the rules of engagement and football’.

Super-gluing half-baked assumptions and theories is not good journalism. Though that’s probably a paradox.

See ya later, Dimitar

"I chose to join Tottenham last season, now I'm staying at the club through my own free will. At least for now. There has been a lot of speculation but all I can say is the club's board have decided to raise my salary.

No one said that United didn't have interest in me and my price in general but it has to be clear that there will not be a move for now."

At least for now. There will not be a move for now. How very reassuring. Let’s not dwell on the reason why Mr Berbatov has suddenly outgrown the club. Or whether his statement is genuine – in that I mean, if he really believes he is staying ‘for now’ or is simply outlining to Man Utd what needs to be done for them to capture him pre-transfer deadline.

Its not like he’s stated, “I’m 100% committed to Spurs. I’m going nowhere”. Its more of a, “Well, they’ve offered me more cash but in all likelihood we wont finish 4th or win anything so maybe come back at Christmas or the summer”.

Better off selling him now and be done with it. Yes, he’s the only world-class player we have. Yes, he gives our play a dimension that no other player can, but if he doesn’t want to be there, why have him at the club?

Players are impatient creatures, worse than the most avid supporter. From a selfish point of view he would see himself better off at Man Utd. And why wouldn’t he? But where has the unselfish modest happy Berbatov disappeared too? What’s with all the Henryesque mood swings at displaced passes?

Reading too much into it, am I? Might well be doing so, but its best to look at the negatives and the worst possible scenario and worry about that, because if by some miracle the opposite happens, at least you’ll feel good about it.

Now some of you will scream ‘hypocrite’ and ask why I have not remained anchored to my original opinion on the player.

Yet again, I’m at ground zero. I was at ground zero at the start of the season (remember?) stating I would give the chairman the benefit of the doubt. And then Jolgate happened. I’m at ground zero again. Not with the chairman. He can go fuck himself.

The players have a responsibility to the fans. They have a responsibility to Martin Jol. And granted, a 1-0 defeat at Old Trafford is a seasoned expectancy for all, but spirit was displayed and regardless of whether it was a penalty or not, Spurs did their fans proud (as did the away support).

Still cant beat the ‘big’ teams though, can we? It’s fine being plucky and unlucky, but it’s not enough. Fulham away HAS to be three points for us. Then it’s Arsenal at the Lane. No pressure then.

With regards to the Utd away game– a good balanced team. Good debut from Bale. Berbatov could have and should have scored (along with Rocha). Even The Gardner played ‘well’. Deserving of sharing the points for sure. When you add back King, Dawson and Kaboul – then you can see that 5th spot is practically a certainty. Anything less and its implosion time.

I still think Ramos is in at the end of the season. Everything is for show. Jol will battle on. Shame we live in an era where 4th spot is deemed the be all and end all. What happened to winning the FA Cup? Getting into a final? Something to write into the history books. Something to remember.

Actually, I forgot. Only top 4 clubs win the Cups. See, special membership is needed for silverware. And at the moment, the ticket to riches is blowing in the wind the opposite direction from where Jol is looking for it.

Spooky Editorial

Posted on GG.net:

It seems there are countless of threads about the same topic, relating to the mess at the Lane, so I will simply add to it with my own by stating one word:

Justified.

I've been preaching to you mugs for years, outside the ground on Bill Nic way with a megaphone, in disguise and talking in code language to avoid Levy’s minions from knowing my true goals. Sadly, very few - well actually nobody - cracked the code, which was disappointing. When I was preaching about God, it was obviously a reference to Hoddle.

And all those times that I've signaled to others in the Park Lane to burn their season tickets, you all responded with shouts that Levy has invested well and is a 'true fan' and has our best interests at heart.

Yeah, well, look at what the true fan has done.

This is akin to going out with a beautiful stunning woman. The sex is fantastic. Sure, she gets a headache now and again and the sessions in bed could be improved with her taking the initiative more and not sitting back waiting to get fucked. And sometimes her decision making is a little off-key. Would be nice if she swallowed rather than spat. But after two years of banging her, she’s in prime shape, and with the addition of a couple of expensive implants upfront she looks the business. But you want more. You don’t just want the ordinary. You want the goal all men strive for. You want her up both pipes. You want anal sex.

And she’s willing. She’s working towards it. You can almost smell the lube. But suddenly you get impatient. When is ‘soon’? What if she promises something that never materialises? Sticking a finger up there just isn’t enough, damn it!

Then next thing, you’re offering a hooker enough money to make her dizzy, just so that you can purposely dip your tie in the chocolate moose. The hooker turns you down, too busy with another client. But it’s too late. Your bird knows what you've done, and she’s heart broken.

There’s no chance of it now. You’ve lost her. And soon enough, with all trust gone, you’ll have to go back to speed-dating, while your ex has moved onto bigger and better things and is out getting fucked senseless up the arse without a condom.

And all you can think is: “It could have been me. I could have gone bareback like the pornos”

That's you Levy. You had the Brown Gold in your hands and you let it slip.

You make me sick. You and your blind idiotic followers.

Justified

Now we have to endure stories of Defoe allegedly telling Jol he won’t sign a new contract, furious that he only got 15 minutes against Derby. On top of this, the rumourwhoring machine has spat out a story that states that after the Everton defeat Berbatov and Robinson had a massive disagreement, which resulted with Jol siding with Robbo.

Again, its been said a million times by a million Spurs fans in the past two days, but only we can take a stable situation and smash it into a hundred million pieces.

Levy's Machiavellian masterplan appears to have fallen short of turning the fans against Jol, but has made his (Jol's) position unattainable and Levy' equally so in the eyes of the fans. Levy and his minions couldn't even get it this right, an embarrassing incompetent plan executed with no precision and has only served to destroy all the work done by our Dutch manager. I'm thankful for it. At least now everyone can see that Levy isn't this whiter than white messiah that will guide the club forwards.

If....and its a huge if.....some of the rumours are true and Jol has fallen out with players and does not command the respect of the team as a whole - there's about a thousand ways of dealing with it without making it look as shambolic and pathetic as its turned out.

It's not Jol who is dead man walking anymore. Its the board of directors. For the first time, I might not be alone in burning my season ticket.

I'm talking big fuck off bonfire over here.

An alternative look at the seasons events from White Hart Lane

Summer, 2007

LEVY: Here’s £40M, spend it well.
COMOLLI: Of course I will. Have I let you down before?
LEVY: Well, I suppose Zokora hasn’t…
COMOLLI: He needs to settle! Damn it Daniel how many times do I have to explain the settling down thing! Sacré bleu!
LEVY: Just make sure Martin has the final word on all transfer targets. Don't want to get him upset. He's scary when he's angry.
COMOLLI: Of course I will consult with him. As if I would spend the clubs money without the capo’s word.
LEVY: And if you plan to travel abroad to complete any potential signings, don’t allow some skinny teenager to take photos of any new players, resulting in them appearing on forums before the official site. Be discreet at all times! Remember go incognito.
COMOLLI: Fucking hell, yes, yes. Jesus, I know what I’m doing, I use to work for Arsenal for fucks sake. Chill out. I have a disguise and an alternative name I travel under.
LEVY: Which is?
COMOLLI: Diego Ribas da Cunha.
LEVY: Catchy.

Later on…

COMOLLI: So Martin, who should we bid for? A left-winger perhaps?
JOL: No, no. We need more midfielders, lots of them. All different types. Big midfielders, small midfielders, sexy midfielders, tall midfielders, fast midfielders, slick midfielders, young midfielders....
COMOLLI: A creative midfielder?
JOL: No, no. Let’s buy a left-back instead.
COMOLLI: Ok. But we have a few already…
JOL: Yes, but not Gareth Bale. Fantastic talent. Can score precision free-kicks. I want Bale.
COMOLLI: Ok. Let me just make a note of this……Must sign Bale.
JOL: Why are you writing it on your hand?
COMOLLI: I forgot my notepad.
JOL: Yes, but in crayon?
COMILLI: I left my pencil at home. Ok, so Bale is our target. Anyone else?
JOL: We need a defender, a good one. Young, strong. Someone to cover King.
COMOLLI: You have someone in mind?
JOL: No, no. I trust you to find someone. Scout some players and let me know who you recommend we should bid for. I will give you the go-ahead if I’m happy with the video footage.
COMOLLI: Ok, so two defenders on our hit-list. A left-winger perhaps now?
JOL: No. I want you to bid for Scott Parker and Kieran Dyer and offer them a kings ransom in wages.
COMOLLI: Right, ok. Dyer and Parker.....
JOL: Haha, don’t be a mug all your life. Of course I don't want them. They are shit. I want another young player with potential. Giles Barnes perhaps, or one from the continent.
COMOLLI: Ok, I think I know someone from abroad. Boateng. Good player, bags of potential. Will be one for the future.
JOL: Good, good. I like ones for the future. They need many hugs on the touchline. I'm good at that. Hugging.
COMOLLI: Yes, sir. You are. My back is still recovering. Anyone else? Left-wing?
JOL: Darren Bent.
COMOLLI: Darren Bent?
JOL: Yes. Why not. If we are going to challenge for 4th and all cups including UEFA Cup, why not have the best strike-force in England? Bid for Bent. Levy has money coming out of his bum.
COMOLLI: Ok. So Bale, Bent and Boateng. Left-wing now? A creative midfielder?
JOL: What’s your fucking hang-up on a creative midfielder? We have Taarabt. I will play him when he's ready and he will fill the void. We can save ourselves £10M or so.
COMOLLI: And the left-wing? We need to fill that void. Petrov perhaps?
JOL: Bah, Petrov, Shevtrov. Bid for him if you want.
COMILLI: I could try for Duff again if you prefer?
JOL: Forget it! He chose Newcastle. He got away from us. Its finished. Over. He is not a target anymore. Don't tell me you are still having the nightmares? He's hardly kicked a ball for them anyway.
COMOLLI: I nearly signed him you know. If only we offered him twice as much....if only......
JOL: Just bid for Petrov. Keep the Spurssh forums distracted for a bit. He wont sign. He'll do what Duff did and go where the money is. And all this fuss about a left-winger. We came 5th twice with no left-winger.
COMOLLI: I'll get to work now.
JOL: Good, I have some personal things to do online.

(Jol boots up his PC, logs into glory-glory.co.uk and starts a thread using his alias)

WE8CAMPBELL: I have some news. Torres is on his way. Medical tomorrow, should sign end of week.

JOL: Hehe...

Politics

MIDO: What’s this?
DIETITIAN: Its lunch.
MIDO: What? This is bullshit man. Bullshit!
DIETITIAN: It’s a healthy balanced meal, it’s what all the players get.
MIDO: Fuck this shit maaan! I want a fucking cheeseburger, double cheese, double burger with extra cheese and burger and some fucking burgers with fries. And I want a diet coke to go with that!
DIETITIAN: You can’t smoke in here.

(Mido Lights up a cigar)

MIDO: Fuck you. I’m Mido. Nobody tells me what to do.
DIETITIAN: Ok, well, can you take your meal please and join your teammates.
MIDO: It’s not a meal, man, its rabbit food. I’m wasting away here! I'm skin and bones!
DIETITIAN: Damn it, every day it’s the same thing. You can’t have a frigging burger! Now please Ahmed, take a seat....
MIDO: Yeah well fuck you and fuck this club and its politics. I’m going to Birmingham.

Later…

STEVE BRUCE: Ok, so that sorts out the wages. I’m happy. Anything else?
AGENT: I think we are fine.
STEVE BRUCE: Happy days.
MIDO: Hold on.
STEVE BRUCE: Yes..?
MIDO: What do we eat?
STEVE BRUCE: You mean now? We could go for a meal to celebrate, once you sign the contract.
MIDO: I’m not signing any motherfucking contract until I know what we eat. What do you feed the players?
STEVE BRUCE: Well, its all done by a dietitian, it’s a healthy balanced…..
MIDO: Cheeseburgers?
STEVE BRUCE: Of course not.
MIDO: Fuck this shit. I’m out of here. No burgers, no deal.

And later…..

GARETH SOUTHGATE: Hi Mido, its Gareth here. Would you be interested in joining Middlesboro?
MIDO: Jesus Christ, no fucking way.
GARETH SOUTHGATE: We are happy to pay you loads of money.
MIDO: Will the money be made of burger meat?
GARETH SOUTHGATE: I suppose that can be arranged.
MIDO: DEAL!

The Sunderland Defeat

LEVY: That wasn’t good.
JOL: I know, we played shit.
LEVY: What went wrong.
JOL: We didn’t get going.
LEVY: Let’s try and get back on track.
JOL: Will try to do so. With so many players out....
LEVY: You should be fine. You've got us up and running for the past two seasons.
JOL: I know. It will be fine.
LEVY: You know the newspapers and fans are going to start to stir up the wrong type of publicity for the club?
JOL: This is England, yes?
LEVY: Well, you have my support, 110%.
JOL: That's not a vote of confidence is it?
LEVY: Technically speaking I would have to release a press statement.
JOL: How's your wife?

(Pause and stare)

LEVY: Yes, shes good. You should come...come round for dinner one night.
JOL: I think I will.

In the forums

‘This is disgraceful!’
‘What’s gone wrong?’
‘No balance – no organisation’
‘Is Jol tactically inept?’
‘Who do we need to buy to get things right?’
'Worst weekend ever'
'Why so defensive?'
'I miss Ledders!'
‘Same old Tottenham’
‘Jol's not good enough!’

The Media

SLAG01: HAHA, looks like the Hotspurs have fucked up.
SLAG02: Yeah, should be fun slagging them off for flopping so badly, and live on TV too! £40M spent and they lose to Sunderland.
SLAG01: Serves them right, their fans are so fickle. They thought they could challenge for the title.
SLAG02: Did they say that?
SLAG01: Nah, just made it up. Gonna print it too.
SLAG02: Fuck, you’re good.
SLAG01: Course I am, that’s why I’m the Sports editor.
SLAG02: Up the ‘ammers!
SLAG01: HIGH FIVE!

The Everton Defeat

LEVY: Martin?
JOL: Yes, yes. I know. But you can’t judge me on two games.
LEVY: I’m not. But we need to pick up and pick up soon.
JOL: And we will. Two 5th places on the trot. No other Spurs manager in the past 20 years can claim that, no? Two defeats can't mean anything compared to two full seasons of progression, no?
LEVY: What are doing?
JOL: We will win against Derby and it will kick start our season.
LEVY: They booed the team tonight.
JOL: They may boo from the stands but face to face, they will shit their pants. They will sing my name on Saturday. I promise you. Anyways, they were not booing me. They were booing the players. And I've had words with them. They understand their responsibilities.
LEVY: Berbatov's out injured.
JOL: Yes, but we have Bent.
LEVY: Good signing. Money well spent.
JOL: I know.

In the forums

‘He’s got to go’
‘Humiliating’
‘What’s gone wrong?’
‘Why did we buy Bent?
'Dear Mr Levy...'
‘Jol doesn’t have a clue’
‘He’s not the right person for the job’
‘How long does he have left?’
'Two defeats - is our season over?'
'No midfield, why didn't we invest better?'
'The last two years have been flushed down the toilet'

The Bookies

BOOKIE01: Bets are piling on.
BOOKIE02: One little white lie and were in the money.
BOOKIE01: Farking mugs! Easy money!

In the Media

SLAG01: HAHA! Another loss.
SLAG02: Yeah, we should run stories on him being under pressure and the board being unhappy.
SLAG01: Are the board unhappy? Have you spoken to someone there?
SLAG02: Well no….
SLAG01: I know, we can say….an insider told us!
SLAG02: Yes! Of course. But we need more exclusives.
SLAG01: Easy. Lets wait for the Spurs fans to give us some ideas.
SLAG02: How?
SLAG01: Easy. Type in www.glory-glory...

In the forums, In the know...

‘Levy is unhappy and Spurs are looking for a replacement’
‘Jol has been sacked. Derby is his ‘wave goodbye game’'
‘Ramos is an option’
‘Comolli and Jol don’t get on, Jol has no power over transfers’
‘Levy and Jol don’t get on’
‘Board unhappy with Jol’
‘Spurs sending director to meet with Ramos’
‘Jol knows he is history’

Back in the Media

SLAG01: This is Gold!
SLAG02: Are you copy and pasting?
SLAG01: Yes, I know how to copy and paste!
SLAG02: Use spell checker too.
SLAG01: Back pages here we come!
SLAG02: How much do you earn?
SLAG01: £90,000
SLAG02: HIGH FIVE!!

In Spain

KEMSLEY: Hi, I’d like to inquire about some of your players?
RAMOS: No chance.
KEMSLEY: Are you available?
RAMOS: I don't date men.
KEMSLEY: That's not what I meant.
RAMOS: You want me to leave Champions League, two-times UEFA Cup Champions for Spurs?
KEMSLEY: Doesn't sound plausible when someone says it out loud.
RAMOS: Adiós.

The Derby Win

LEVY: That’s better.
JOL: Yes. Jenas was majestic.
LEVY: Good comfortable three points and a clean sheet.
JOL: Did you hear the crowd singing my name before we even scored?
LEVY: Yes, yes, you have no hair. I’ve heard it once or twice before.
JOL: Utd up next.
LEVY: Fergie's job is on the line over there. Three games none won. We might be in for a backlash.
JOL: With Jenas on form, we have nothing to fear. He destroyed newly promoted Derby.

The Media

SLAG01: Fuck. Can we still write negative things even though they won?
SLAG02: Of course! You’re the editor! You can do what you want!
SLAG01: Ok, lets change the ‘has 1 game to save himself’ to ‘has 6 games to save himself’
SLAG02: What about these photos?
SLAG01: What photos?
SLAG02: These.
SLAG01: Your hand is empty, you have an empty hand. You are not holding anything.
SLAG02: Oh yes, but am I?
SLAG01: (Stares)
SLAG02: In my hand, I have photographs of Ramos and a Spurs director talking shop about becoming the new Spurs boss.
SLAG01: But your hand is empty, theres nothing….Oh, I get it. Magic invisible truth photos! Can we print them?
SLAG02: I don’t think we can. Probably best not to. They are only magic when they are in my hands.
SLAG01: Let’s just say we have them, but cant use them. But we've seen them, so that should be enough for our readers.
SLAG02: Excellent! Make sure we use an extra large font to hide the fact we have nothing to report in our exclusive!
SLAG01: Brilliant!

The Fans and the forums...

‘What about the negatives from the game?’
‘No official comment from club on rumours’
‘We beat Derby, doesn’t mean he’s safe’
'Is Adel better than Zidane?'
‘If theres smoke theres fire’
‘Any more rumours floating about?’
‘Berbatov wants to leave’
‘Says who?’
‘Who cares, lets turn this 'Berbs to leave' thread into a 30 pager and the Daily Mirror is bound to see it’
‘Yay! More bullshit! w00t!’

The Sunday Supplement (on Sky)

PRESENTER: Should we spend 10 minutes talking about Tottenham?
JOURNO: Sure, let’s spend 10 minutes talking about rumours and conjecture and look all serious and intellectual when doing it as we are at the peak of our profession.
JOURNO2: Sounds good. I know someone at the club who tells me that Jol and Levy don’t get on.
PRESENTER: Really?
JOURNO2: No, of course not. I read it online.
PRESENTER: Do you have anything to add?
JOURNO2: Billy Levy doesn’t know what he’s doing and Craig Comolli buys all the players without telling Jol and smuggles them into the training Lodge and has them all wearing Jeans masks in training.
JOURNO: And then theres the English block that stops the continental system of having a coach and director of football working at Spurs.
PRESENTER: Jol is Dutch, Comolli is French. They are both continental.

(Silence)

JOURNO: Yes, but its the English block! They don't know how to use the continental system over here. Its too confusing for them. They're in England so being Dutch or French isn't relevant. Jol should be left to be the manager of the club and buy the players he wants to buy. And anyway, theres way too much for a manager to do nowadays and they need help when it comes to running the first team and dealing with transfers.
PRESENTER: You're not making sense. You just contradicted yourself.

(Silence)

JOURNO: I support West Ham United and get paid £90,000 a year.

Back at Spurs

LEVY: Bit crazy all these stories. Ramos this and Ramos that. Don't believe what you read, Martin.
JOL: What stories? Oh, them. No, no. Not paying too much attention. Daniel, can you call me back. I’m playing Football Manager. I'm two nil-up against Arsenal at home......Oh shit, make that 2-1.

Project Mayhem

Seems the club does nothing but bring in project players. That's players who are not the finished article (Boateng) and need work or players that are way off from being classed as world class (Zokora). Or players that apparently have potential (Jenas - ha!).

Obviously, a complete finished article DM or Attacking Midfielder would be perfect, but then every club wishes to have these players and not every club can. Which means we have to make do with what we have, and what we have are players brought in by the present management to push for 4th. So we can't complain about not having the right players, because surely the management know who the right players are. Why else buy them?

Sadly, at times, it seems they don't have a clue.

Our midfield lacks structure. There is no true clarification of the roles that each individual have. Its a mish-mash of squad players who are all under performing and failing to reach their true potential. Why? Well, one might think its because they are being selected and are not getting the directions they require from the coach. This is the scary part. Surely the coach can aim to get every player playing to their strengths when part of a unit/team?

If there is no finished article world class player on his way to Spurs, then we have to make do with what we have - and what we have appears to be what Martin Jol wants - therefore, in his head, its good enough to push for 4th. We've been here before, haven't we?

He has to begin to realise the potential he has at the club. He signed off on the players we have bought. If he's the right man, he'll get it right on the pitch. If he cant.....

The Holy Grail

What will it take to break the stranglehold of the current 'Big Four'? Even with Arsenals current blip (a problem most other clubs would love to have) there's still no sign that the Big Four will have a new member or that the Big Four will become the Big Five or Six - all taking turns in the Champions League.

Transitional periods and re-building is the current trend with the chasing pack, and all long to be the club that achieves the nigh impossible. And with the odd billionaire financing you, who's to tell you wont buy and bully your way there.

For purists (if there are any left) the irony is that in an age when winning is everything and the only thing........theres only two teams in the Premiership who can realistically win the title. Two teams. Followed by two pretenders. The 1970's or 1980's it is not. Gone are the permed days of 8 or 9 teams who could claim to be in with a shout without being laughed at.

I'm sure some of you are old enough to remember that it wasn't just about Liverpool and Everton. Spurs were in there (top 3 on occassion, gosh the cheek of it) and the likes of Villa, Forest of course, Derby, Ipswich...the list goes on. Arsenal were shit back then too. Maybe the footballing Gods left their dizzy PA in charge of things while they went down the pub and still haven't returned to sort the mess out.

There was even club loyalty back then on account (the likelihood) of playing for someone who might win something. The FA Cup and the Milk Cup were monsters of triumph. They almost seem like an afterthought nowadays. And its still the Big Four that pick up these pieces of silverware.

This isn't a dig against Man Utd, Liverpool, Chelsea or Arsenal. Utd and Arsenal achieved consistency and challenged for trophies due to good management. They took the throne away from the dominating Red machine from Anfield who lost the magic of the boot room. Everyone else flattered to deceive. And recently, Chelsea, plugging away without the end result got the final pieces of the jigsaw when the Russian and the Portuguese blokes turned up at Stamford Bridge, one after the other.

The blame is firmly on football itself, for growing up. For leaving the streets behind and moving into the penthouse suite. The European Cup become the Champions League, and suddenly, everyones priorities change. For the worse.

At this current time, chances are that if you don't support Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool or Arsenal the club you do support has zero to slim chance of winning the title.

4th spot in the Prem is seen as success. 4th spot is an achievement. Probably only sport where it is. But this is football and its not like any other sport.

Its them and us until something gives way. The top two battle it out for first place and the rest have to settle for the scraps. Wont change anything. It hasn't changed anything. We all still wear our colours and support our clubs. Derby, back in the Prem could never seriously consider winning the title. Forest, long since departed from the Prem wont ever lay claim to the biggest club trophy in the world.

We will still support. But it seems in the modern age, finishing 4th with a chance of qualification into the Champions League is more important than winning the FA Cup or anything else.

Maybe it is. Maybe a club has to claim Champions League to then push towards the domestic title. And sacrifice everything else for it.

Jol'll Fix It

Going back to the end of last season, in the following blog entry I noted the following:

These defects are still present in the team that Martin Jol built and financed by Daniel Levy. Its like having a house with several holes in the roof that water drips down from. Instead of fixing the holes, you leave several buckets to capture the falling water.

* We can not defend crosses or set pieces
* We give away painfully simplistic goals, usually created out of individual errors
* We cannot take set pieces (corners or free kicks)
* We cannot cross the ball (still no true left winger three years later)
* We cannot keep clean sheets
* We still don't have the right balance in midfield
* We sit back instead of dominating possession

All of these are fixable at a management level, so this is Jol's main priorties. Taking set pieces should not be a problem at all this season with Bale in the squad and Kaboul having quite a hit on him. The lack of a true winger who can swing the balls in from both angles (Lennon isnt quite there yet and Routledge never will be) is vital unless the style of play Jol has in mind doesn't involve out-and-out wing play. Anyone can see that if you add a MGP style player into the team then we would score 15/20 more goals per season. Thats a massive difference to the goal difference.

At the other end, the conceding of the simplistic goals was down to the back four changing all the time. No King means more concerns, but again - with the whole of the summer at his peril, if Kaboul is the only player we need at the back, then fair enough. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and see how it all pans out.

Replace 'Jim' with 'Jol' for visual gag to work

The defence needs to be organised to form a unit that knows each of their individual responsibilities and their collective responsibilities. That's what training should help formulate. Again, regardless of the players (does help to have quality) having the right instructions during pre-season and week to week training is where the foundations are built.

Clean sheets is up to the defence and up to Paul Robinson to trim down and stop getting beat from 30-40 yards out. But there's more to it. If we get over-run in midfield then its likely to cause more stress and pressure for the back four.

Will Boateng (offensive, yet apparently decent defensively too) play a part as the Man of Steel that we are crying out for?

All the top clubs have their bullish strong central midfielder that does the dirty work. We had Carrick, who was more Hoddle than he was Keane. Zokora is still a grey area. What kind of player will he be for us this season? He was bought in as the Carrick replacement of sorts - so no point in writing him off until the end of season 2008.

One thing is for sure. If Spurs can dominate teams for prolonged periods (at home) why do we struggle to get hold of the ball just after we take the lead? Its the main fix IMO.

Be ruthless, swagger with effect and bully the opposition. At 0-0, at 1-0, and at 2-0 and so on.

Its the mental block that also costs us when we lead against the top 4. Its lack of self belief.

Again, no new players will sort this out. The manager must.

Over to you big bear....

FAO Edward

The following article is currently sitting somewhere within the endless linkage of NewsNow.

I Have An Irrational Disgust For Tottenham
Posted on Monday, July 30th, 2007

Edward supports Everton. Edward does not support Arsenal. Edward doesn’t even support West Ham. Yet Edward doesn’t like Tottenham.

I have an irrational disgust for Tottenham Hotspur, bolstered by the fact that everyone from Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho to my obese cousin are tipping them to “break into” the Top 4. Nick Hornby describes them as having a “smug air of ersatz sophistication” and this sums up my feelings on the matter perfectly. The funny thing is, I am an Evertonian. My opprobrium towards these masters of style over substance is purely because of a cold calculating hatred, not due to bitter Arsenal or West Ham football rivalries. Going to “The Lane” is probably similar to becoming a scientologist. Tom Cruise and John Travolta would be the perfect Spurs fans, and Glenn Hoddle isnt too dissimilar to L. Ron Hubbard.

Scientologists believe that 75 million years ago an evil galactic ruler, named Xenu, solved overpopulation by bringing trillions of people to Earth in DC-8 space planes, stacking them around volcanoes and nuking them. Then the souls of these dead space aliens were captured and boxed up and taken to cinemas where they were shown films of what life should be like, false ideas containing God, the devil and Christ.

If all this sounds like nonsense, try talking to Spurs fans, they believe their own footballing version of this: that they should be the rightful leaders of the premiership. Transmitting their superior style of play to the infidels, and restoring their “glory Years”. Spurs are perfect for the new generation of hyped-up, over marketed , sky tv football-watching, habitual masturbating football fans; it is a perfect marriage. Whilst most of us grumble about the state of modern football, for fake plastic Spurs fans, this is their utopia.

One Spurs fan I know told me at the beginning of last season that Spurs were “going to do an Everton” (qualify for the champs league on a shoestring budget) — In fact they did nearly the opposite — they nearly qualified on a budget that would sustain Everton for about a century.

Spurs are the doilies of football, or more precisely a pink and green polka dotted 1970’s bungalow strewn with a cornucopia of doilies; in crochet, beaded and lace. They are needless and grotesque to all but a deluded few.

Hmmm. Ok. Lets break this mother down.

Edward supports Everton.

Really? I doubt it. If he really supported Everton he'd spend most of his time slagging Liverpool off. Fraud alarm already going off on this one.

I have an irrational disgust for Tottenham Hotspur, bolstered by the fact that everyone from Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho to my obese cousin are tipping them to “break into” the Top 4. Nick Hornby describes them as having a “smug air of ersatz sophistication” and this sums up my feelings on the matter perfectly. The funny thing is, I am an Evertonian. My opprobrium towards these masters of style over substance is purely because of a cold calculating hatred, not due to bitter Arsenal or West Ham football rivalries. Going to “The Lane” is probably similar to becoming a scientologist. Tom Cruise and John Travolta would be the perfect Spurs fans, and Glenn Hoddle isnt too dissimilar to L. Ron Hubbard.

I'm lost. You cant be this bitter for being dicked out of 5th spot by us?

Its all media bravado anyway. Jose knows Spurs cant break into the Top 4 yet (most Spurs fans know this too looking at the current state of our unbalanced midfield). But out of the rest of the pack, we are the only club someone like Jose could pick out to pin the 'beware of the pretenders' tag on.

"smug air of ersatz sophistication” - Nice. Quote a gooner because that's really going to help you with your argument using the biased views of the Enemy. Spurs, under Jol, are at least attempting to fanthom some kind of playing style that most can appreciate as entertaining and productive, unlike Evertons uber-bland black and white tv bore tactics that postively make neutrals bleed blood and piss from their eyes as AJ falls over (again) to claim a wonderous penalty.

Jealous perhaps?

Scientologists believe that 75 million years ago an evil galactic ruler, named Xenu, solved overpopulation by bringing trillions of people to Earth in DC-8 space planes, stacking them around volcanoes and nuking them. Then the souls of these dead space aliens were captured and boxed up and taken to cinemas where they were shown films of what life should be like, false ideas containing God, the devil and Christ.

If all this sounds like nonsense, try talking to Spurs fans, they believe their own footballing version of this: that they should be the rightful leaders of the premiership. Transmitting their superior style of play to the infidels, and restoring their “glory Years”. Spurs are perfect for the new generation of hyped-up, over marketed , sky tv football-watching, habitual masturbating football fans; it is a perfect marriage. Whilst most of us grumble about the state of modern football, for fake plastic Spurs fans, this is their utopia.

I quite like the Scientology angle on this. Quite funny, but poorly executed. See, it was 74 million years ago Spurs won the Double, not 75. Check your history books idiot.

Rightful leaders? You've lost me on this. In 30 years time, you'll look back to the 80's (remember that patch when Liverpool failed to win a couple of titles?) and see that as your Glory Days and long for it to be repeated.

Of course our fans are going to look back at the 60's and 70's and 80's and a single season in the 90's and say 'Thats what we want!'. What else is on offer? Gross? Francis? Graham?

Maybe I need to dust off my collection of pre-historic VHS tapes. Spurs have always sought to play a certain way with a certain swagger (damn it, I'm being superior, aint I?). Tottenham are a footballing side, historically. Much like West Ham United are. Manchester United too. Nothing wrong with attempting to continue tradition. Its an identity, right?

And bully for you if Spurs fans expect more from their team that has practically prick-teased us for 40 odd years.

As for your 'Spurs are perfect for the new generation of hyped-up' comment, stop embarrasing yourself. Fake and plastic? Tune into Sky Sports yourself, where you will find much masturbating in the direction of Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool. Honestly chief, you don't have a fucking clue, do you?

'Whilst most of us grumble about the state of modern football' - You sound like a miserable twat to be quite honest, Eddie. I bet when you sit yourself down in your bedroom to watch some 1970's porn (those were the true Glory Days) you find yourself staring at the hairy chest of John Holmes rather than the female he is groin-dancing all over, wondering how he manages to trim his chest hair.

You are easily and unnecessarily distracted.

Everybody grumbles about the state of modern day football. We can't smoke, we can't swear, we can't stand. Maybe you should try going to some games outside of Stanley Park.

One Spurs fan I know told me at the beginning of last season that Spurs were “going to do an Everton” (qualify for the champs league on a shoestring budget) — In fact they did nearly the opposite — they nearly qualified on a budget that would sustain Everton for about a century.

Hold up. One Spurs fan? Fuck me, really? You mean a single individuals stated opinion proved ill-judged and thus ended with egg on his face, deeming it a sufficient enough example for you to wrap it round your cock and wave it about for everyone to see?

The Spurs fan in question probably meant that Spurs would claim CL in the same way Everton did so - i.e. 'surprising everyone'. And not in the context of 'Spurs will do what Everton did right down to the smallest detail'.

Maybe I should quote from the various e-mails and text messages I got a few seasons back, gloating about how Everton would do well in the Group stages. See, things don't always turn out the way you think, even if you spent time and effort shouting from the rooftops prior to it. But shouting from the rooftops is what we (football fans) are meant to do. Otherwise, what's the point. West Ham fans sing about being shit. They take anything, any inkling, any crumb of success (be it surviving relegation) and celebrate it like they've won the World Cup (something they did back in 1966). Are they too deluded for loving their club and showing unashamed passion? Of course they are. Football fans, melodramatic, what is the world coming too.

Spurs are the doilies of football, or more precisely a pink and green polka dotted 1970’s bungalow strewn with a cornucopia of doilies; in crochet, beaded and lace. They are needless and grotesque to all but a deluded few.

You play the Z Cars theme music over the tannoy for your players, when they run on the pitch, so stick that up your c*nt.

Spurs needless? I'll tell you what's needless and grotesque, David Moyes screaming from the touchline.